159. Are you compromising who you are by settling? | Breakthrough: No More Settling

The strongest force within the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves. And when we think about that, how is that working for you? Are you satisfied with who you are and how you show up? This very topic is the reason why so many of us settle in life, in our relationships, and our careers. Let's go! I'm Travia Steward, and this year on the podcast, you are about to experience ways to stop settling in your relationships, careers, and lifestyle. No more settling for the bare minimum. This is Breakthrough. Yo, what's up, my peeps? Happy Podcast Thursday. Today, when this episode drops, it is February 8th and we are moving right along into 2024. So today what I want to talk to you about is this, this statement, and it's one of the most profound things that I learned in my certification to become a life coach. Um, and it's, it's from Tony Robbins actually. And it's the strongest force within the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves. And those decisions were made years ago, guys, years ago. During that time, we made decisions about what we believe, what we were capable of, and who we were as people, who we were as a person, which became like the limiting glass ceiling of what we were capable of. And once you lock in on that identity, your brain finds a way to keep you there. Because if you're not there, your brain sees like, oh, lions and tigers and bears, you know, like you're going to be eaten. And this falls in line with the topic that I'm really focusing on this year, Why do we settle? You know, why do we settle in ways that keep us doing the same things that we've always done? Why do we compromise, you know, things like our authenticity? Why do we compromise our opinions, our voices? And the answer is rooted in, you know, again, we've talked about it before, societal expectations. We have fear of judgment. You know, we have the need to, to conform to what other people expect of us and how we were raised and experiences that were a part of our life. Because, you know, and truth be told, we live in a world where, you know, it's, it's hard to break from, to break free from those, those, those limiting chains and the expectations of others. You know, it's hard to sometimes really just be who you were meant to be and who you know yourself to be at your core.. And so I want you to picture this, right? Back in the day, you know, you made choices. I made choices that like stamped our identity card, right? What we believe, what we thought we could pull off, what we thought we were capable of, our potential, who we were as a person. Sometimes it came down to you were too loud. And so your parents or someone in an authority figure said, you know, little girls, little boys, you know, you, you've gotta tamp that down. You know, you don't make Don't be noticeable with a loud, big booming voice, you know. And so then we made that mean that this was something that was wrong about us. And so our identity card was stamped that whenever I speak, you know, too loud, that's a bad thing. And so we have these things. That's one example. We have these things of this is something that happened you know, early in my life, early in my formative years, that became an, like, an invisible glass ceiling, you know. And then it's like, I, we carry these things into adulthood with us, you know. And I remember when I was, when I was 6, I tell the story a lot when I'm on stage. When I was 6, when, um, my dad called to ask my brother and I what we wanted for Christmas. And my brother wanted a dump truck, and I also wanted a dump truck. And then my mother quickly corrected, it's like, "No, you don't. She wants a baby doll." And so as a 6-year-old, I learned that little girls don't play with dump trucks. Little girls should not want to play with boy, male toys. This— I was made to feel wrong for a choice. For, like, I really wanted to play with that dump truck. And so this was an identity thing. So later on in life, I remember making choices of, what's my mom going to think? How can I, you know, be the person that they want me to be, not the person that I wanted to be, you know? And then once you lock in on that identity, the brain is like, You know, the security guard at the door of a bar, you know, where it's like, no, no, these, these things that do not align with who she has announced herself to be, these things cannot come in. You cannot come in right now, right? Because we have not defined, and that is not how we're living. It doesn't matter that that's something that she really wants to do. That's her core identity. Those things are not allowed. Because those things were not stamped on the identity card. Those things were not how I consistently defined myself from those decisions that were made years ago. And so how many times do you catch yourself saying, eh, that's just how I am. I can't change now. It's too late to change. Right? And those are just random remarks, like the change that we voluntarily put on our potential. And so many times we find ourselves, you know, well, that's how I've always been. We fight for our limitations. We'll go, oh, okay, I've never been— I've never been patient, so why start now? Okay, so now let's spend the rest of our lives being impatient, fighting again for those limitations. Well, I've, you know, I've always been hurt my entire life, and now, you know, the last two relationships I've been in, I have been hurt. And, you know, I'm just gonna like ironclad my heart behind these bars, and I'm never going to let anybody get, get close to me again. And that's not a way that you want to create the rest of your life, because I'm a firm believer that we, we can create it, much less just live the rest of our lives. And so we make these rules and these meanings and these stories based on past experiences, and then We fight for the limitations of those things becoming our truth. And then we fight every day to prove them right. You see that next guy? You see, I told you he was just gonna break my heart. Well, that— those were the vibes that you sent out. Those were the actions that you declared that made it inevitable for you to end up with a broken heart again. And so as we continue to dive into this topic of yourself, I want you to ask right now, where in your life do you feel like you cannot fully be yourself, where you can't fully act the way you wanna act? And so this in essence is a way of settling. We're settling with becoming the person, with being the person, with acting like the person that other people want us to be. That's a form of settling. And I want you to reflect on the areas where you may feel, you know, constrained, where again, the past influences are navigating your present, like the broken heart, you know, like my story with the dump truck, totally navigating, you know, how I was viewing life as I was growing up. You know, where are you maintaining, like, a facade, you know, a facade in your life where you're wearing a mask, you know. And so I want you to ask yourself, what has happened in your life that has influenced the way you live today? And are they rules that you're going to continue to find evidence to continue to make that the absolute truth for you? Or can we begin to recognize that these are merely stories and meanings we've created and we can totally erase it like it's a chalkboard, it's a black, it's a dry erase board. We can erase those things and create beginning now because it's so important to realize when we're settling. It's so important to realize the constraints that, that we have based on these decisions that we made a long time ago. You know, and then again, living as though they are the truth. And, you know, I have done this for so long. You know, it wasn't until I was almost 50 years old that I felt like I was free to fully be me. I remember we went on a trip to the Dominican Republic and the towels, you know, like when we hang out on the beach and that were like on the beds, like under the cabana, the towels said Free to just be. And I was like, oh my goodness, when was the last time I felt free to just be? We took that trip, I think, in 2013, and I was not free to just be then. It wasn't until it was closer to like 2017, 2018 that I began to embrace the freedom in the core of who I was at my core and who I am at my core. And so breaking free from those self-imposed constraints, it really begins with self-awareness. It begins with a conscious effort to understand what influences us, what colors our lenses, what creates the world as it occurs for us, what limits our potential, so that we don't continue to live as though the things that happen to us— I mean, I'm not talking about the factual things, I'm talking about the stories and the meanings we've applied to it. Like, for instance, For instance, little girls don't play with trucks. You know, for instance, guys are always gonna break, you know, so-and-so's heart. Those are meanings and stories we've applied to it, and we don't have to continue to live as though that's the truth. And so when we think about all of the ways in which we've created the life we have today, another word that I hear people saying a lot is a word like, I need to be practical. I need to be reasonable. And so when we're being reasonable, this is like the most boring, lowest level of life that you could possibly live. We've cut off all of our imagination. We've cut off our creativity. We've cut off— and glass ceiling, and the ceiling keeps getting lower and lower and lower. Because we wanna be reasonable. And so being reasonable is another way of settling that holds us back in life. Living life fully, it requires you to live unreasonably without having to justify every single thing. Like sometimes you just wanna do things because you wanna do it and not having to justify it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry. You know, and maybe you don't even have to justify it to yourself. You just want to do it because you want to do it. You know, we don't always have to live reasonably because sometimes that's a way that we tamp ourselves and our interests and our creativity sides down, and we keep it buried under the facade and the mask of what's expected of us and who, you know, and how people want us to interact with them. So today's episode is about challenging the story that you've been telling yourself and, you know, discovering a whole new world beyond what you think is possible for you today. Now, I'm not saying that this journey is easy. I'm not saying going against the norms, going against society, societal expectations, the fear of judgment. I'm not saying any of that's easy because I continue to work on those things myself. But remember, breaking free from these, these chains, these, these limitations is a way that, you know, you can be courageous. And it's an act of self-love, and it's, it's, it's a decision to live authentically from your core and to create a life that, that aligns with the things that you really want. So as I In this episode, I want you to ask yourself those very profound questions. Are you free to be the person that you know in your heart you were created to be? Are you feeling constrained with people, with places, with things in your life that keep you from your full and true authenticity, which, which is your superpower, by the way. And this is what sets you apart and, and, and begins to open up the vast universe to full fulfillment. And so the way we end up being in life, we just assume that that's how it's supposed to be. And I'm here to help you debunk that, that that is not how it's supposed to be, and we don't have to just accept that. So Today, ask yourself, who am I and who do I feel like I have to be when I'm interacting with other people? And is it something that you want to do, you know, authentically? Who do you consider yourself to be? When you refer to yourself, you know, I do such and such, what follows those words? What is your identity? What is the identity that is keeping you settled and keeping you in getting the same thing that you've always gotten and creating the life that you're living right now. Peeps, that's what I have for you this week. And if you are feeling so inclined and you want to ask me a specific, a specific question, I would love for you to email me at travia@traviasteward.com. Ask me anything that you want to know about settling in your life, relationships, your careers, and even in your health. Ask me anything about like your, your beliefs and how you can create what it is that you want in this life, and I would love to answer it on the podcast. I would dedicate, you know, an episode or a part of an episode to answering your question. All right, my peeps, we'll talk next week.