161. Who are you…really? | Breakthrough: No More Settling

I am your host, Travia Steward, of the Breakthrough Podcast, and this is the place where you come when you're ready to stop settling in all areas of your life. I believe that you are one breakthrough away from a completely different life. Let's go. Yo, what's up, my peeps? Happy Podcast Thursday. Yes, indeed. It's that time again. And today I want to continue the podcast episode from last week, Reinventing from the Real You, because we wanna still peel back that onion and get down to your core identity and then build on from there. And so one of the things, and the reason why actually I am motivated to do this podcast episode is because I wanna help myself. I wanna help all of you who listen find the real you, the real authentic you, and fall in love with that person. And then, you know, we can reinvent, then we can pile on different personalities and identities and characters to go after that goal that you feel like is with, you know, not within your reach. And so part of the motivation for some of these topics that I've been delving into You know, one of the people, actually the most important person in my life, Shelly, is the one who is so honest with me. And there's so many times she says things like, like for instance, you know, we do what's called a relationship check-in. I have these 5 questions that my clients use. I have, you know, I use the same questions in my relationship. And there are some times when, you know, out of the blue, I'll just feel like, you know, it's time for a check-in. And then there are times when I will go to Shelly and say, "Hey, would you like to do a check-in today?" And she might say, "Mm, not right now," because you wanna make sure both people are ready and on board. You can't just go blindside somebody with, "Hey, you wanna do a check-in today?" And there have been times when in a check-in when Shelly comes back and says, "Okay, I'm ready." Now we're both ready. She's ready, I'm ready to do that check-in. And sometimes those check-ins are used in a way of grounding me back to the person that I am when I'm the happiest. And I remember like in one of those check-ins, Shelley mentioned to me, she said, "You know, you're a little different right now. There are times when like you've done a speaking engagement or you've done something where you had to present a performance." She said, "Then you come home as that person." She's like, "Shit, I didn't marry the presenter. I married you." You know, I want the real person. And so, and I'm like, oh damn, you're right. You know, there have been times when I'm like, you know, will you listen to this podcast episode? And she'll go, that just doesn't sound like you. So the goal is I don't just get on this podcast mic and tell you guys things that I'm not working on in my own life as well. I'm working on these things too. So one thing that I am working on is bringing my most honest, raw, and uncut version, my most authentic person to this podcast, just like I'm asking you to do in your own individual lives. Because then I wanna remind you of this profound quote, that's the basis for this work, that the strongest force in the human personality is the need to stay consistent with how we define ourselves. You know, again, those decisions were made years ago, and we made decisions about what we believe, what we were capable of, what— who we were as a person, what we could and could not do. And then that became the box, the glass ceiling that kept us basically boxed in. And then I want you to really think about this last part, because once you lock in on that identity, once you decide this is who I am, your brain finds a way to keep you there. You fight for those limitations. I fight for those limitations. And so that's what we are continuing to peel. So I want you to think about who you are when no one's watching. Like, if you were in the house just by yourself and no one was watching, there are no cameras, you don't live with anybody, who is that person? Who are you when you're with your immediate family? Who are you when you are maybe, you know, hanging out with some very, very close friends? Who are you when you're hanging out with just associates, like, who are not very close to you? Who are you when you're at work? So I want you to think about all these different places in your life where you potentially put on different masks. You potentially are different identities that show up because the circumstances have changed. So I want you to think about, again, the core of your personal identity. If none of this stuff existed in life, like social media, if we didn't constantly compare ourselves with other people, I want you to think about your values, your beliefs. And again, let's put you on not even just in your house by yourself. Like, what if you're on an island by yourself, no expectations of others? What is that version of you that is stripped down from all the societal expectations that doesn't need a mask because you don't have to perform, because I don't have to perform for anybody. And then it's in those moments when we are unguarded, unguarded, right? Like we don't have to be someone that we think other people want us to be. And so now when you think about who you are, you know, on social media, who are you, you know, socially, even before social media, you know, whether you're with your family, friends, or in the community, who are you then? Are you the caretaker? Are you the joker? Are you the someone, the badass? Are you the person who, you know, is a sailor who who cusses about everything and you're like, do y'all really wanna cuss? Yeah, I wanna cuss at everything. I wanna cuss at work too. I will cuss people out all the time. Are you that person? You know, are you the adventurous one? Are you the listener? Are you the life of the party? I love to be the life of the party, but you know, sometimes I don't wanna be the life of the party. Sometimes I love to impact people. I wanna make people laugh, but I recognize that there are times when I put on a mask because I then begin to think it's expected of me. It's expected of me that every time I walk into a social gathering, social event, that I need to be the life of the party. I remember one time I was having some, I was having, I think I had pulled a muscle in my back and my friend was having a barbecue at her house and I pulled a muscle in my back. And so I took a muscle relaxer, which meant I was, you know, not drinking. And I was probably quite a bit lethargic, which is not, you know, something that people are used to seeing in me, especially in a social atmosphere and environment. And so I remember her like, like, just like hitting me, like, I don't like this Trey. Who is this? You know, where's the fun Trey? And I was like, shit, I'm in pain. I'm hurting. And so it was, that was an example of I wasn't being the life of the party, so it wasn't good enough. It wasn't good enough that I had taken a muscle relaxer and I was in pain. And so in that moment, I let go of trying to please everybody and go, you know, I don't need to be the life of the party. I am in pain right now. And that's just good enough for me because I just want to focus on feeling better. But that's not something that I always do. There have been times when I will just turn it on because people expected of me. I would turn it on because people ask, you know, where's the fun, Trey? Okay, here she is. Boom. Like clicking a button. And so I want you to now think about moments in your life when you might do some of these things that I am confessing to. You know, think about your personal identity. You know, how do you change when you go to work, when you step in to lead a team, to be a part of a team? You know, how do you show up when you have professional career-oriented responsibilities? And so, thinking about how do you react with colleagues? How do you act? How do you react and interact with your colleagues at work compared to some of your best friends? And I want you to think about that balancing act that we are all doing repeatedly day in and day out. And is it a part of the cultural identity because this is the tradition, this is how I was raised. And I have this tradition that we always, we're respectful respectful of our elders, but I don't really understand it. That's hypothetical. I'm respectful of my elders. I'm respectful of most people, to be honest. And I'm not saying like that's a bad thing. I'm just saying that the things that you're choosing to believe in and act on, are they things that you genuinely want to do? Are they things that were passed down to you? And then I want to talk about social media because most of the people, you know, and I admit I've been guilty of that as well. I look at some people's highlight reels on Instagram and go, How am I ever going to catch up to that when I don't even need to catch up to that? And one of the things that I, you know, one of my declarations is that I'm committed to knowing that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. So who am I to compare myself to someone else's highlight reel on social media? And so I'm not asking you to, you know, put your diary on social media to, you know, show your most vulnerable parts, but Are you— I just want you to answer this question— are you being the person that you actually want to be on social media? Are you even on social media at all? Because, you know, it's loss, it's effect and appeal for most people. And, you know, there's something about some of these people who have never ever gotten on social media. They just never did it. And I'm like, kudos to you for, you know, staying away because For some reason, I think social media has increased the effect of the comparison. We compare ourselves to lots of people and we don't even really know what people's lives are actually like. So I have an exercise for you. So in the process of getting down to the real authentic you, I want you to answer just a couple of questions, and it may be, it's a matter of becoming aware of things and journaling about it, maybe just taking some notes in your phone. But I want you to think about in your life, who is the one or two people where you feel the most authentic, where you feel the most you without wearing any mask, without, you know, pretending to do or like or eat or do— just, just where are you the most authentic person, where you love who you are? And I want you to become aware of who you are when you're with these people or with this person. How is this person different than when you show up at work? Than when you go on social media, when you are interacting with, you know, associates. And then I want you to take 5 minutes in, you know, it doesn't matter, just some time of the day and spend some time with you. I just want you to look at yourself in the mirror and decide and ask yourself, what do you think about you? Look yourself in the eye. And some people find this exercise very, very hard to do, to look yourself in the eye. Take 5 minutes and ask yourself, what parts do I love about what I see in this mirror? Are there parts that you don't like? And is it based on comparing yourself to others? And then ask yourself, how can I love what I see in this mirror? And then also, when it comes down to these different identities that we want to morph into fewer and fewer and fewer, what are the things that you're doing that you no longer want to do? You know, are you hanging out with people that you really don't want to hang out with, that you don't find value in? Who are you being when you're hanging out with these people and you really don't want to do it anymore? You know, what do you really wish you could do more of? What do you want more in your life? Because that may be closer to your authentic self, the real core. We peel that onion back, core you. So I want you to really think about these things so that we can get down to, well, who are you really? And that's what this episode is about. We can change and shift our identity The second we make a decision to, but we need to be aware of what's happening and what identity we're starting with right now. You know, what is it that we're continuing to do that we don't like? What is it that we want to do more of? So who do you wanna be? Who do you wanna create yourself to be to help you just go through each day loving life and loving who you are being? In every moment of the day. All right, my peeps, I would love to get some feedback on that exercise, on how it's helping you to shape and create the person you wanna be. So that's all I have for you this week. Take care, my peeps, and I hope you are having the most amazing 2024, and I look forward to you and talking next week. 'Cause I tell you, I really feel like I'm sitting down having one-on-one conversations with these podcast episodes. And if I haven't told you lately, thank you so much for listening. I appreciate each and every one of you. And I go and look at the downloads and yeah, it's not the download numbers that some of the, you know, number one rated podcasts have. And I, you know, I try not to be envious of those things, to be honest, but I am grateful for you who is listening to this podcast right now. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. All right, my peeps, we will talk next week. Peace.