A Shortcut to Confidence

Have you ever felt exhausted from just trying to keep up with everyone else's expectations, social media, the world? Well, what if I told you that the secret to a happier, more successful life is something that you, we already have within us? It's your authenticity. This is Lead with Confidence Now, the podcast that helps you grow your confidence. My name is Travia Steward, and I've spent 27 years transforming lives, and my mission is to help you grow your confidence by improving your self-image so that you can perform better in all areas of your life. And so today we're going to talk about how embracing more of your authentic self leads to more confidence, period. Obstacles that, that hinder this and the benefits that come from showing up completely yourself, completely authentically. This episode will empower you to embrace your true self shedding external expectations, which can lead to a more fulfilling life. And if you want one-on-one coaching so that I can personally help you boost your confidence, at the end of the episode, I'll let you know what to do next. Let's get to the episode. To begin with, I want to share a story of, you know, from my life, because for most of my life, I did not show up authentically. Like, I remember growing up in high school and college, like I was always, you know, a Christian. I was always spiritual. So going to church, I was, you know, I grew up in Louisiana. And so I would go to Catholic churches. Sometimes I would go to a Baptist church with my mom. And it was expected that because I'm a female, that I should wear a dress or skirt, something, you know, befitting for a female. And I remember how uncomfortable it made me feel, but I always, I just kept doing it and doing it and doing it because that's what I was supposed to do. I mean, I even sang in these Baptist church choirs and then we would go and, you know, go around to other churches and sing, you know, at their, their churches. And I would put on these little short high heel shoes that I completely hated, to be perfectly honest. But it was what I felt like I was supposed to do in order to fit in, in order to, you know, not draw attention to myself. And it wasn't until I recognized that I wasn't being true to myself, but I didn't know how to, you know, I didn't know how to get myself out of that because what's the alternative? You know, go against what society wants you to do, go against what people deem to be, you know, inadequate, wrong, unacceptable. And so I kept doing it. I kept plodding along and I would go shopping and wear, you know, and buy all these ultra feminine clothes. Well, not ultra, but as feminine as I could get away with. And I would go and get these clothes that, you know, because my female friends were buying these things, you know, I would go get a spaghetti strap, you know, top, and I absolutely hated it. And even when I would go to church and I would wear, you know, high-heeled shoes, my friends always, you know, chuckled and, you know, made fun because they said I walked like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost in those high-heeled shoes. And I, you know, I played along with it. I thought it was funny. And so, but I just never felt comfortable in those types of clothes. And then when I moved to Arizona and, you know, I moved to Arizona with, you know, to be with Shelley, and there was something different about moving to Arizona that I began to open up and embrace more of my authentic self. And the first thing that basically needed to shift was how I was dressing. How I was dressing was not authentic to me. It made me feel uncomfortable. And so one of the things that Shelley and I talked about, you know, I, you know, always felt free to share how I really felt about these clothes and, you know, the things that I felt like I needed to do. And that was the first gift that she gave me. She didn't expect anything of me. You know, I taught at this high school, they didn't expect anything of me. And so moving to Arizona where, you know, a lot of people will be like, "Oh, that's a red state," but there's some very, very blue parts of Arizona. And I was able to slip out of that expectation, slip out of wearing these clothes that I didn't feel good in. And that's when I decided, I made the decision that I wasn't going to do that anymore. And this was the beginning of my confidence journey because you see, I was hiding a valuable part of myself. And I would venture to guess if you're not feeling 100% confident, you may be hiding a valuable part of yourself that you think, I need to keep that at home. I need to keep that under wraps because So-and-so is going to judge me at work. So-and-so, you know, I don't want to be looked at, you know, differently. Whatever that thing is. But I know that once I decided to embrace how I truly wanted to dress— I hate dresses, I hate skirts, I hate high-heeled shoes— once I decided that those things were not true to me and I wasn't going to bend to society anymore, more of my authentic self began to come out. And it was honestly like a weight. That was completely lifted off of my shoulders. And my confidence soared just from that decision. And because I didn't feel like I needed to hide anything anymore. I didn't feel like I needed to pretend to be something that I wasn't. So when we talk about, you know, embracing your authentic self, let's talk about what I'm referring to when I talk about authenticity versus confidence. You see, confidence, you know, according to Webster, is the belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities. Like, you believe in yourself. To what level you believe in yourself, that's your level of confidence. It's having trust in yourself to do something. You know, we talked about in a few, uh, several podcast episodes ago, you know, self-efficacy, you know, basic, uh, compared to self-confidence. And when we talk about authenticity, this is basically about being real with yourself and with others. It's not faking it. It's not pretending to be someone or something that you're not, that I'm not, just to fit in or to meet others' expectations. Because when you're authentic, you know, what you say and how you act and what you believe in really lines up closely with who you truly are on the inside. And the link between the two is so incredibly powerful because when you're authentic, you are more confident because you're not hiding behind this farce, this facade, this mask. And so the second thing I want to talk about is the barriers that keep us from, you know, showing up fully, from being authentic. And these barriers hinder our confidence. You know, I know that this, this is very true for me. And I know many other people, my clients included, who struggle with being authentic because of things like judgment, judgment that we expect from others. You know, we have a fear of rejection. We have a fear of being criticized. We have a fear of being embarrassed. And I know during this time, the things that kept me from, you know, kept me playing that same game, wearing those clothes, I believe that I wouldn't be fully accepted. I would be looked upon, I'd be frowned upon. I truly believe that, you know, that's one of my limiting beliefs that, that was really present for me. You know, um, I believe that if I didn't dress a certain kind of way, people wouldn't want me like in their life. They wouldn't want to hang out with me. They wouldn't want to go to, you know, dress-up places, you know, if I didn't wear what sort of what they were wearing, you know, for, for most of my life, you know, I thought it was wrong. I thought, you know, being gay and all the things that, that sorta came with it authentically, I thought it was wrong. So I convinced myself that I needed to dress a certain kind of way. And you see what happened was because I believe it wasn't accepted in the next podcast episode is going to be about embracing and accepting and loving. You know, that authentic side of you, especially if it's something that you don't accept yourself. Because much of my actions were filtered through that negative thought that then became a belief that who I am at my core is not acceptable. So everything that happened in my life, I began to filter through that negative limiting belief. And I know that barrier held me back and it can hold us all back from being our true selves. And it hinders the level of pro— of confidence that, that you show up with. And you know, I recognize that for most of my life I was hiding one of the most beautiful parts of myself. So are you hiding one of the most beautiful parts of yourself? And then number 3, the benefits of being authentic, authentic with confidence. We have, you know, when you think about it, it's like you don't have to hide anymore. The level of stress reduces. Like, you don't, you know, I know for one, I didn't feel stressed out anymore because I wasn't hiding who I was. It also builds a higher level of integrity because, you know, one of the things that, that is true to me, that I am my word, and when I mess this up and I don't follow through, I'm sure to clean it up. But it builds a higher level of integrity. And I had a hard time of being integral to my word when I was lying about who I really was for the benefit of other people. And then when you're authentic, it improves every one of your relationships, especially the relationships that are meant to be in your life. Now, it may not improve a relationship where someone was expecting you to be something that you're not. Then you probably don't want that relationship anyway if you can't be your authentic authentic self. Being authentic and embracing that, it allows better decision-making, you know, because you're trusting your intuition, you're trusting your gut. You're not thinking about all of these if, ands, or buts, yeah, buts, you know, when it comes down to making a decision based on what other people think and want you to do and some perceived, you know, levels of judgment, criticism, embarrassment, And so it leads to better decision-making because I believe that it clears out those negative filters so that you can make better decisions from your core, from that authentic part of you. And I believe that it builds your leadership and influence because when people see you show up authentically, it gives them the power to show up authentically. And I learned that lesson, you know, several years ago.. But I am committed to showing up authentically in everything that I do. Now, am I perfect at it? No, I'm not. I'm not perfect at it, but I recognize when I'm not, and then I take action. I shift it and I make changes. And the other thing that I find that it does, another benefit is it reduces the energy drain on you. You know, because when you're showing up in a way that's not authentic, that becomes work. I know it was work for me for so long to pretend to, you know, that I felt good in a skirt and I need to cross my legs in a skirt, to put on pantyhose, for Pete's sakes, pantyhose, you know, to do all these things. And I just remember that after I would do it, you know, and people were like, oh, you're so pretty, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cause you know, I would get, you know, fully made up, all the things. But it was such an energy drain. I was tired after pretending for hours that I enjoyed what we were doing, I enjoyed what I was wearing. So I believe that, because I know it's true for me, that it reduces your energy drain. And so those are things that I learned about myself from not pretending to be something that I wasn't. And what happened was, as I became more confident, and my level of confidence today is through the roof, I became more confident in my skin. As you become more confident and you embrace your authentic self, your confidence level will grow. And then you'll learn that it's okay to be yourself and that you can handle, you know, even the vulnerability that comes with that. And the confidence and the self-assuredness leads to a more relaxed and content state of mind. You know, I also have found that I have better authentic relationships with the people in my life, with my family members, with my friends. I remember several years ago before I was, you know, fully authentic with my siblings. Um, when my sister passed, I remember having this conversation with my, my older brother and he wanted to, you know, because we, my, my older brother is 13 years older than I am. And so he went away like to the army. And so I did, I, for a long time, for half of my life, I didn't know him as a brother. He was just this distant guy. And on paper he was my brother, but after my After my sister passed in 2015, we had a conversation and he wanted, you know, us to work on our sibling relationship. And we did. And the first thing I said was, this is who I am. This is who I'm married to. And if you can accept that, then we have a starting point and we can, and we can build on that. And I tell you what, and we have done that. He has kept his word. He loves Shelly. He asked about her. They've been here to visit. And that has led to such a beautiful relationship with my older brother. You know, it's allowed a level of emotional honesty. You know, sometimes, you know, I want to be able to express— not sometimes, all the time— I want to be able to express my true feelings. So my level of emotional honesty when I'm very— when I'm hurt by something I just allow it to happen and I'm not hiding it anymore. I also, you know, it's also increased my, my interest in things. Like, like I didn't pretend, I don't, I no longer pretend to be interested in things. I have a genuine interest in the things that bring me joy, the things that fill me up. And I don't people-please anymore. I don't say yes to things I don't want to do because I have embraced my authentic self and what I really authentically enjoy doing. And one of the most important things is it's allowed me to come into alignment with my values. And so, you know, my health, loving connection, my business. And so when I think about aligning with my values and my principles, it's so much easier to connect with people I want to connect with. You know, I can love people from afar, but I don't give my time to people that, you know, don't fill my cup anymore. I don't give my time to people just for the sake of, well, they asked me to do something, so I should say yes. I don't people-please anymore. And so those are the things that I have benefited, that I believe you also could benefit by embracing your authentic self. So the final thought for this episode is, you see, when we embrace our true core, our true authenticity, amazing things happen. Because being your full authentic self, it breeds self-acceptance and it allows, it allows us to form honest and genuine connections with others. And we're not wearing a mask, putting on a facade and pretending. And so I believe it's the foundation that will empower us to be our best selves. All right, my peeps. So today we talked about how embracing more of your authentic self leads to more confidence, and also why we hide parts of ourselves, and then the benefits of embracing your true self. You see, I believe that authenticity is the key to transforming your confidence. It is the foundation. And when we are true to ourselves, we exude a sense of self-assurance that is truly empowering. You see, confidence is crucial, is a crucial trait that can enhance your performance, improve your relationships, and increase the likelihood of your personal and professional success. It enables individuals to act decisively, pursue their goals with determination, and maintain composure in challenging situations. Brené Brown said, authenticity is a daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. All right, my peeps. So if you want one-to-one coaching so that I can personally help you boost your confidence, click the link, click the connect link in the show notes. All right, my peeps. I look forward to meeting you and we'll talk next week.