Can you repair a relationship after an affair

It's never too late to save your relationship, even if he or she has cheated. And I believe this 100% because I believe that true love can have some difficulty. True love can have some bumps in the road. And so if you really want to save your relationship and repair it and start over, it's completely possible. How do I know this? Because someone very close to me in a heterosexual marriage, and for a very, very long time he was happy in his marriage. He was happy for the first, you know, 7, 8 years. Well, then, you know, there were some bumps in the road. Then things became complacent. Then it became a matter of the chemistry died off. You know, we were compatible, but we weren't living a life together We weren't even coming together. And so he started looking elsewhere. He started eyeing other women. And so eventually he had an affair. So he had an affair like for 6, 6 to 8 years. And then when we had a conversation, I said, what is it that made you go outside of the relationship? You know, why are you cheating on this woman that you've been married to, this woman that has your kids? And he said, because the woman that I'm with makes me feel like a man, makes me feel needed and wanted, and all she does at home is bitch at me all the time. So today, guys, I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna give you some steps of what you could possibly do to repair your relationship even after he or she has cheated. Welcome to Reinvent You. My name is Travia Steward, and I am a performance and life coach. As a coach, I work with people to build confidence, to help them communicate with clarity, and to build strong, thriving relationships. This is the show for you if you want to transform and change your patterns of behavior and how you show up in the world today to better align with what you really want to do in this life. This show is about transformation, and not until you transform yourself first will your relationships, your business, and even your health change. On this show, I encourage you to be honest with yourself about who you are right now and who you want to be, and I can help you find a path to getting there. Welcome to Reinvent You, your guide to connecting authentically, living with purpose, and having no regrets. Today we're going to talk about if your relationship has gone off the rails, how to recover from a relationship that's had some infidelity, that's had some cheating. Just a little backstory, I follow the work, I study Mark Manson, David, David Deida, Susan Campbell, the Gottmans, and so a lot of my coaching is based around their work. So the 3 most important things that I think actually make a relationship work or not is chemistry, compatibility, and communication. So chemistry being the emotional connection that's present when 2 people are together. If there is a lack of chemistry between the 2, that could also result in a lack of an emotional connection, right? A high degree of chemistry might look really, really good in the bedroom. It might look like, you know, you're having this intense sex, life-altering, you know, heart-pounding sex. A low degree of chemistry could look like it's boring. It's the same positions every single time. It's on a Saturday night. Or a Friday night, or 9:00 PM on Tuesday, because it's so scheduled and nothing is spontaneous, right? So that's chemistry— when we have this, this pull, and we feel harmony with someone else, and we feel connected. Okay, the second part is compatibility. That is the natural alignment of lifestyle choices and values that, you know, the values of both people involved in the relationship. And if you have a relationship with a high level of compatibility but little chemistry, well, that relationship could very well be so comfortable, but it might be a little boring, or it might be a lot boring. And sometimes when we are decreasing that level of chemistry, I have found from experience that people have a tendency to drift apart. Because why? Again, like in my last episode, you might be trying to get those needs met elsewhere. Now, having a high level of chemistry but a low level of compatibility could lead to absolute disaster. These relationships start so fast, they're hot and heavy. Maybe sometimes it's an affair. It doesn't even have to be an affair, but they start so fast and everything is so hot and so good. But we're not compatible, our values aren't aligned, and we're so far apart on the spectrum to where all we do is fight when we're not having sex. So those relationships start really fast and then they end just as quickly as they started. And then that third component is communication. So you can have chemistry, you can be hot and heavy for one another, you can have compatibility, but if you don't know how to talk to one another, if you don't feel free to express how you're feeling with one another, then one of those main three pivotal things that help relationships thrive and flourish is really, really missing, and it's gonna cause problems. So just as a foundation, having chemistry, having compatibility, and being able to communicate with each other is a sweet spot that you want for your relationships. So here's an example of what it could look like when you still have a high level of compatibility, but the chemistry is very, very low, and the communication is kind of sort of going out the door as well. What that could look like is things that you used to do together, you no longer have the interest of doing it. Maybe it's just one person you're flying in from a trip and you're expecting your partner to pick you up from the airport, but he's late, she's late, and then the excuse that they give is that, oh, they lost track of time. You know, it could look like not wanting to spend the time that the two of you set aside together not wanting to spend that time together, but actually choosing to do something else. It could look like even when you're in a social gathering with other people, if you've forgotten that your partner is there with you and you are laughing and having the time of your life and your partner is not a part of that, also a disconnection there. And that's just, you know, just a couple of examples, but You know, it could look like you just are not sharing things with one another again. So what happens when these things happen? There is an absolute disconnection, and we go out and we get those needs met somewhere else. Someone— and someone starts making you feel good. Someone starts complimenting you. Someone starts making you feel more appreciated than you feel at home. Someone starts like really lifting you up and paying attention. And maybe your partner stopped doing that. You know, again, that disconnection causes us to seek those needs to be met outside of the relationship. When that does happen, infidelity, cheating, having an affair is probably a warning sign for a bigger issue. Disconnection can show up in the form of pulling away emotionally and sexually as well. You know, the disconnection looks like you're fighting a lot, you're just not opening up to each other anymore. And so again, going outside of the relationship is where you're seeking to get those needs met. Once infidelity has occurred, and you have one partner who feels like they've been absolutely betrayed. This used to be a place where they felt absolutely safe and comfortable with you. Now that place no longer feels safe. That place— like, their whole world is turned upside down, and now it's like, the safest place that I thought I had in my life has now been pulled— the rug has been pulled out from under me. All these things, you know, the life that I knew has been taken away from me. And we're at a point in the road, at a fork in the road. Do we fix this relationship, or do we just go our separate ways? If you would like a complimentary session to have a conversation and explore what's working and what's not working in relationship, click the link at the bottom of the show notes. Now Let's get back to it. So once we figure out that, you know, one of the people in the relationship has cheated, the affair has now come to light, what do we do now? Well, the first thing you have to do is decide that this relationship is worth saving. In this case, especially when there's been infidelity, both people have to be on board to save the relationship. In this instance, It can't be just one person deciding. It can't be— number one, the person who went out and cheated has to, you know, know that they betrayed their partner, has to know that there's a level of trust that has been completely taken away, completely ruined. The person who was left behind and cheated on feels like Again, their whole world has been turned upside down. The rug has been pulled out from under them. The, the safety and the comfort that they once knew has been completely taken away, and they no longer see the cheating partner as that loving person. Now that cheating partner is a source of, of hate, a source of anger, and it's hard to get past that. But if the two of you decide that this is what you want to do, that you want to actually work towards saving the relationship, because no matter what, it's worth saving. Nobody can fault you for that decision. These are choices that you're making. So the person who was cheated on, the spouse who was left behind, you have to decide that, okay, if we're going to be on board with this, then you have to decide to forgive them. You can't bring it up every Tuesday. You can't bring it up every Friday. You can't bring it up when, when he or she is late. You have to completely forgive them. You know, and I always love that quote. It's like, when you harbor this anger and this bitterness and this toxicity within you, it's just really destroying and eating away at your soul and at your core. You know, it's like drinking rat poison and expecting your partner to get sick or die from it when you're the one drinking it. So you have to, no matter what, decide that you will forgive your partner for the infidelity and trust and assume the best intent in your partner going forward, that it won't happen again. So forgiveness is the first step. The second part of that is figuring out where the disconnection happened to begin with. And that's why I led with the 3 C's— with compatibility, with chemistry, with communication. Where was the breakdown in the relationship? When did the cracks start? When did you stop communicating? When did you stop wanting each other and feeling that sexual polarity? So once you, you figure out where that happened, then you go back and you analyze, okay, This is when I started feeling, you know, for example, this was when, you know, it was a year and a half ago when I felt like you were keeping things from me. It was a year and a half ago when I felt like you took someone else's side over mine. So I— it made me feel, you know, like my opinion didn't matter. It made me feel like I wasn't supported. It could be something just as small as that. It could just be that you're spending more time doing things outside of the relationship than you were doing inside the relationship with your partner. So John Gottman has done research for like over 30 years and has identified what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. And these things can predict the demise of a relationship. So if we're going back and figuring out what was it that happened, what was it that broke us up, We begin with criticism. Criticism basically looks like one person, or maybe both of you, is criticizing the other person. So you're criticizing every single thing when your partner does something wrong, and it's like shining a light on it and never having anything positive to say outside of the window of criticism. The second thing is contempt. And that is when you're really, really— I mean, it goes further than criticizing. It's putting someone down. It's making statements that make you seem so much smarter, so much superior. I'm so much better because I do this, or I'm this or that, you know, pointing out people's mistakes in a very superior way that makes them feel like total shit. So that is contempt. The third thing that research has shown is if defensiveness is, is present in your relationship, that could be a result of the criticism. It could be a result of the contempt that you're— that one or, one or both of you is facing. So then we get defensive. We want to protect ourselves. We want to ward off the next attack. And so we're just defensive about anything, and we can't— you know, it's hard to take full responsibility. It's hard to accept exactly what your partner's saying without feeling like you were attacked. And then the fourth horseman is stonewalling. Stonewalling is sometimes if you have all of the above coming in and it's like this whole emotional flooding of all of this negativity, which could look like, you know, I'm folding my arms, I'm not talking, I'm going to my bedroom, I'm leaving, I'm going for a walk, you know, all these things. And you just completely shut down. So the level of which these 4 things are apparent in a relationship— criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling— can predict the demise of a relationship, right? Newlyweds who displayed the Four Horsemen, those characteristics, were more likely to divorce than couples who didn't. How do we fix it again? So we've talked about both of you have to decide to be on board. The person who was cheated on has to decide that if this relationship is going to be saved, if it's going to be, then you have to forgive the other person. If your relationship If the cheating outside of the relationship was a result of a high level of criticism, was something that you can do to, you know, to help bridge that gap so that you are now starting to, you know, lower, eventually eliminating the high level of criticism that maybe you both are receiving in the relationship? And you can do something called a gentle startup. So whenever you're coming from a critical place, generally it's, it's pointing the finger, you know, it's you did this, you did that, blah blah blah blah blah. You're criticizing, right? But using a gentle startup, like for instance, instead of immediately attacking, you know, again, like I intimated in the last video, you know, starting from how you're feeling, you know, maybe a gentle startup looks like I loved how you made me feel last week. Can I get more of that? You know, instead of, you know, you never do anything right. You only touched me one time last week and how dare you know. So using a gentle startup with some appreciation at the very beginning of that, before you get to the butt, before you get to something else that makes the other person feel like, ah, I did these things and it's still not good enough. Right. How do you, how do you repair if defensiveness was a part of the problem? Well, that means we generally get defensive when we don't take responsibility for our part in the choices that we've made, for our part in where the relationship is today. Even if you're the one who was cheated on, there's still some responsibility that needs to be taken by both people for the relationship getting to that point to begin with. Okay, and then to alleviate contempt out of the, out of the relationship, you have to start building a sense of appreciation, a culture in your house of appreciation, you know, making some emotional and physical deposits into your emotional bank account so that contempt no longer surfaces. And what does that look like? If you're saying something, if you're making your partner feel less than Well, let's do 5 positive things that, you know, it's not one for one. It takes 5 positive things to deposit to kind of override that one ugly thing that you did or said. So it's making more emotional and physical deposits into the relationship so that the things that begin to surface are the positive deposits rather than that negative, contemptuous critical comment that you made, you know, last Thursday. And then how do we get rid of stonewalling in the relationship? Well, stonewalling, again, here is where you have to figure out how to— what is it, first of all, that's causing you to stonewall? Generally, you know, we stonewall because we have these thoughts going on in our mind, because we're assuming things. Sometimes we stonewall because, you know, we don't want to hear what's going to be said. So in order to start breaking out of stonewalling, you have to learn how to self-soothe, you know, how to get yourself out of that place. Because it probably is a place that was triggered by something that your partner said that took you back to, you know, a, a memory that you haven't fully, you know, resolved yet. Something that triggered— it could be something that triggered from a past relationship. But it's always— it's usually something that triggers you. And so in trying to move out of and getting rid of stonewalling, figuring out how to self-soothe and give yourself what you need in that moment so that you're not closed off and, and deaf to everything that your partner is saying. So once you've figured out these 4 things, if they were present— maybe they weren't You know, maybe it is just a matter of figuring out, okay, which of the 3 C's do we need to repair? Is it that we just need to be, you know, to reignite that passion in the bedroom, reignite that emotional connection? Is it that I need to not tell all the things to my friends at work or my friends that I go hang out with, and I need to save, you know, those things that mean so much save those things and communicate those with my partner instead of allowing other people to know more about you and parts of your relationship than your partner does. And maybe it's a matter of opening all those things up, and the compatibility is, is, you know, doing something together. Small things that you could do that repairs the relationship is, you know, again, appreciating one another, but turning towards the other person. So when someone walks in the room and your partner walks in the room and they want to talk to you, right? And let's say you're working on the computer and your partner starts talking, you don't even stop. You don't even stop what you're doing, and you certainly don't turn towards them. Well, that can make you— I mean, just imagine as you visualize me saying that, you know, it just makes your partner feel like whatever it is you're doing on your computer is way more important than what whatever it is they have to say. So turning towards, whether— and actually stopping it, what it is that you're doing. So doing those types of things when your partner walks in the room, acknowledging them, maybe, you know, that's a, that's a, that's a smile, that's making eye contact with them, you know. So turning towards to each other also begins to open up just the feelings of safety and comfort might ignite a little chemistry as well, right? And then throughout the day, checking in with each other emotionally. We want to build up that emotional bank account also by checking in with one another. Hey, how's it going? How's work? How's that project you're working on? How are you feeling right now? I'm noticing that your energy is a little low. Is there anything that I could help you with? Is there anything that's going on? And then again, we can use reflective conversation. So the conversation of you starting out, "This is what I am feeling," and you repeat what the other person just said, ask, you know, "Did I get it right?" You know, so basically listening more than we're talking. Okay, and then again, having that dedicated connection time to rebuild from the times that you were disconnected. So even if you look at it like it's a new fresh start, that's exciting as well. And so building in new rituals, building in not that same Thursday night date night— maybe it's Sunday afternoon now, maybe it's the whole day on Sunday that you commit to be with your partner and not do anything. It's your day, it's your time. And again, exploring those different things that make the relationship feel fresh and new. And so no one can ever expect when you start that relationship that you're going to remain the same person that you were to begin with. Things happen, people change, people evolve and grow. And the point with this is once you've decided to forgive each other, you've decided to fix it, will you decide to evolve and grow together? So that your relationship can truly flourish? You know, can you decide that it's worth saving and that every single day that you live together with your partner, you will spend each day learning how to love one another better and better every single day? Is your relationship worth fixing? Is it worth saving? Is the love that you once felt deep down inside worth getting back, getting back to a place of harmony, a place of fulfillment? So ask yourself today, is your relationship worth saving? Can you forgive your partner? We can all choose to make decisions, but the decisions that we make, you have to go in 100%. You can't have one foot in the door and one foot out of the door. Ask yourself if it's worth saving. And if you decide that it is, both partners get on board and get to work. If you like what you're hearing and perhaps you're interested in having a complimentary conversation with me, click the link at the bottom of the show notes. Thank you so much for listening. If you even want to know more about what I'm up to, head over to traviestewart.com. And if you like seeing the videos of the podcast. Every episode is on my YouTube channel. Take care, guys.