Embracing your authentic self

My peeps, have you ever felt like you were wearing a mask to fit in, especially at work? What if I told you that removing that mask could be your biggest strength? Let's explore that today. Welcome to Lead with Confidence Now, the podcast that empowers you to grow your confidence. I'm Travia Steward with 27 years of experience transforming lives. My mission is to help you improve your self-image and perform better in every area of your life. And today we're delving into this crucial topic. We started it last week, embracing your authentic self. And by the end of this episode, you'll have some actionable insights on how to be true to who you really are at your core and why that truth is your ultimate superpower. In your life and your career. But before we get started, if you're seeking a transformation through one-on-one coaching, stick around to the end of the episode and I'll show you how to connect with me personally to begin your journey of boosting your confidence. Now, let's get started. So imagine a world where everyone feels free to be them, their absolute selves, completely, unapologetically. Well, what would that look like for you? And I want you to imagine it right now and keep that image in your mind as we begin to talk about some of these tidbits to living authentically. So to begin with, I want you to think about how great it would feel to, like, when you went to work, like, you went to work and you could just be yourself. You could talk about the dates you went on this weekend, whether it was a date that was a same-sex date partner, whether it was, you know, a polyamorous partner, whatever it is that floats your boat, whatever that thing is. Sometimes we've had such a blast on the weekend, but Monday morning comes, it's like, I don't even know that person. I'm going to put on a mask. I'm going to You know, just keep that stuff separate. Now, I'm not saying that you should blast all your personal life, that you should tell everybody in the office what's happening in your personal life, and these are folks that you work with. But if it's making you feel a certain kind of way, if it's making you feel like a fraud, if it's making you feel fake, if it's making you feel like at times motivated to lie about something, this is what I'm talking about. And so being able to show your true thoughts and feelings and passions, you know, whatever it is that you love without hesitation. And what this looks like is absolutely embracing your authentic self. You know, embracing your authentic self at work, it just means you're really aligning your external actions with your internal mindset, your internal truths, your internal core of who you are at the core. And it's confidently saying, this is who I am. And shedding all, every bit of the pressure to conform in the workplace, to conform, you know, with workplace norms, societal norms that, you know, that really just don't fit you. Because here's the deal. You see, our thoughts and the judgment that we anticipate from others, this is a filter. These are like the, the baby bumpers at the bowling alley that guide how we behave at work. We decide that we're gonna leave this authentic part of ourselves outside of work. We're gonna leave this part at home. We're just not gonna talk about it. Which means a lot of us wear professional masks. I, for one, wore a professional mask hiding my true authentic self for years and years and years. And the reason why we do that is we are often worried that we're not gonna be accepted, right? I talked about this in the last episode. We're not gonna fit in. But again, when you bring your whole self to your work, Things change. You know, we begin, you know, dropping that whole facade, that act of pretending to be someone, you know, that we're not. And this, again, I really talked about this in the last episode, can really boost your confidence because we feel more authentic, we feel more at ease, and we become really more effective in our roles. And so, Today I want to share my biggest, my biggest insight. You know, I've mentioned it on a few podcasts before, but you see, growing up, I always knew I was different. I always knew that I didn't really have the same feelings that a lot of my other friends had, you know, especially once I hit the teenage years and I started recognizing that Ooh, I might be having some crushes that are unlike crushes that my other friends are having. And so, you know, it took me decades to come out as gay because it scared the crap out of me, you know, because where I came from, being gay wasn't really the norm. It was seen as something that was wrong. It was seen as something like, you know, she's got the devil in her. She, you know, what you doing over there? You know, you're not supposed to be doing that kind of stuff. You know, you're going to go to hell for that. There was a lot of that kind of stuff that I grew up really, really believing. You know, we heard, I heard these kinds of things whispered about. It was frowned upon, you know. And then I took on this belief that, you know, because these are thoughts that you have. I was having a thought, again, reinforced by my upbringing, the people in my life. And I get it, you know, I didn't understand it at the time, but I get it. Everyone was just doing the best that they can. But what happened for me was I grew up having these thoughts that, who I was at my core was not acceptable. And then that thought became a belief, and that belief basically motivated and it framed how I would show up in my life. And so even as I went into adulthood, when I started working as a teacher, those feelings didn't just disappear. You know, even then, especially then, I felt like I had to hide to fit in. I dressed— I told you guys last week, I dressed dressed a certain way because I thought that's what I was supposed to do, right? Because I was putting on a mask before every school year, every day, you know? And so what happened was I began filtering my life through, if someone looked at me, I immediately made it mean that they were judging me. If someone looked me up and down, you know, like, what is she wearing? Why is she wearing that? She looks like a guy, you know, she looks like a man. You know, there was one time when I was, uh, this was in 2014. It was, that was the year that Shelley and I were married. And I remember we got married, right? And so my mom, At some point in the year, she was like, "Travia, Aunt Esther came by here and she said she wanted to see a picture of my baby girl. And she said, 'I don't have a recent picture of you. Can you send me a recent picture?'" And so I was like, "Oh, of course." Now, granted, I didn't feel comfortable inviting my mother to my wedding because we never even had the conversation. I didn't think she approved of what was happening. As a matter of fact, I assumed she didn't approve because she had these strong this, the strong language that she used for other people. Like she would say things, again, I know my mother was just doing the very best that she could, but like she would see somebody like a guy who would be walking through the neighborhood and he had a certain twist in his watch. She'd be like, look at that little sissy going through there, that kind of thing. Oh, and so I always, felt that it wasn't safe for me to be like, well, yeah, that's me too. And so I kept filtering, allowing this thought that became my default sentence, that who I am at my core is not acceptable. I allowed that to become my truth. And guys, it was so much energy. That took a lot of energy to keep going. This is how people are thinking of me. When in actuality, wasn't the way I was thinking about myself, you know? And I felt like for most of my life, I had to keep up that act. I had to keep doing it so that I would keep the people in my life that I, you know, that I enjoyed being around, that I felt like you know, loved me and the people that I wanted to be with. And knowing what I know now, if those people didn't love me for who I was authentically, then I didn't need them. But you see, I didn't have the wherewithal. I didn't have the thinking that I have today to recognize the difference between those things. And so for the longest time, I filtered through my default sentence, which I've since changed, that who I am at my core is not acceptable. And then I began to take on that myself, that I am not accepting myself. And so for years, it, you know, I worked through this, that I wasn't accepting and loving myself just as I was. I was feeling bad because these things were wrong. So clearly I couldn't love myself for who I was. I couldn't love the fact that I was gay and loved a female. I couldn't love those things. I didn't understand how to do it at the time. But since then, I've gone through a process of accepting who I am at my core. And guys, I believe that's one of the best things about me is who who I am at my core is why I'm loved, is why I'm accepted, is why I'm appreciated. And it took me years to remove that part of that mask that I was wearing because I was afraid of the criticism and the judgment and the resentment and rejection. And so what I want to share with you today is that letting go of that thing that really deep filter that was framing my life of feeling like I wasn't acceptable, of me not accepting myself, once I crossed that bridge, it was so liberating because as I became more open about my identity, I noticed a shift in my interactions. I didn't feel the need to hide anymore. My colleagues, even at work, you know, who valued authenticity responded with a higher level of respect. And you know what? I was able to engage on a deeper level with those. My ideas, like for theater, my ideas in coaching flowed more freely. And I felt like I was more creative because I didn't have this big old block blocking me and blocking my creative flow. And, you know, I was able to get in the zone more. And I would, I am convinced that my career took a positive turn. Like I had a closer relationship with my students. I feel like because I no longer hide, I have a closer relationship with my clients. When I'm speaking, people see who I am at my core because I no longer hide it. And I spent so many years doing that that were not productive. Were not fulfilling. And sharing who I really am, it didn't fundamentally change how others saw me. It changed how I saw myself. I learned that who I am is worth celebrating. It is worth me shifting and accepting me for me because I do, you know, love some me. I'm a very confident person, but there was still that gray area that I wasn't fully accepting. And today I accept all of me. And so I share that story with you because if you have something that you're like, this really is something I need to hide, this is holding me back. Again, I'm not saying that you need to put your business out on the billboard at work. Not saying that, but if it's causing you to move through the world in an inauthentic way, then this is something that we just really wanna look at. The first thing I want you to do is pinpoint, like, identify that thing that you really wanna hide from others. And by identifying this, you know, what is holding you back from being your authentic self? It could be a part of your personality. It could It could be something that you're really into that your boss, your coworkers wouldn't think is professional, or even an opinion that you're scared to share. I'm not trying to say go piss everybody off because of your difference in religion, your difference in politics. I'm talking about who you are at your core and being authentic. Because acknowledging and embracing these hidden parts of us leads to more authentic living and showing up more authentically at work. And then the second thing I wanna talk about, our limiting beliefs promote the hiding, right? For years, that default sentence promoted me to hide because I felt like I could not be completely honest because people wouldn't love me for who I was. And I want you to think, I want you to consider the beliefs that motivate you to hide some of the things that you're hiding. You know, again, it could be fear of being judged. It could feeling different, not being respected or appreciated, you know, feelings of rejection. And so we wanna identify if you have a default sentence in which you are filtering your life through and your interactions through. And so as I move on to point 3, I want to share with you some practical steps to begin expressing your true self. First of all, you wanna know if you have a soundtrack that's running, that's playing over and over and again that you are filtering your life through. Like mine, my soundtrack was who I am at my core is not acceptable. And I have since reframed that again to who I am at my core is why I'm loved, why I'm appreciated, why I'm successful. And I want you to just begin to notice when are those moments that you realize you begin to go inward? Like you hide, you put your hands in your pocket, you fold your arms. There is an uneasy feeling in your body, in your chest, in your groin, your abdomen, your shoulders, your chin, wherever that thing is that makes you feel like you are or you're feeling anxious and you're feeling stress. Now peel that back, peel those layers back, and ask yourself, what is the thought that is producing these feelings that are showing up in my body? And I want you to think about taking the smallest steps, even like sharing with, you know, maybe your personal story with one coworker. You know, wearing something that truly reflects who you are and not dressing for other people at work or the way that you think people expect you to dress. Maybe, you know, you have a different style of professionalism. That's your style. That's still professional, but it screams who you are and how you wanna show up in the world. We wanna just basically take small authentic actions And the more actions you take, it begins to compound, and your confidence begins to grow. Because being authentic helps to build more genuine, stronger connections with your colleagues at work. And I firmly believe that people are drawn to authenticity when they really feel like somebody's being sincere. Like, you know, we all have this, this energy. Sometimes I'm drawn to someone's energy, sometimes I'm repelled by someone's energy. And I feel like especially in, on, in the workplace, being more authentic, it, it makes your teamwork, it makes collaboration smoother and more enjoyable, right? And then it leads to better relationships. You trust each other more. You know, there's often more opportunities for advancement because I know from personal experience that there were some times when I'm like, I was viewing the world through this filter. And so because I was not feeling accepted and I wasn't accepting myself, I immediately made it mean, well, I don't belong here anyway. It's kind of like when you were younger and you felt like, you know, your girlfriend or your boyfriend was like getting distant, like, well, I'm gonna break up with him first. Well, as an adult, we take that same action. It's like, well, I don't like it here anyway. You know, I'm, you know, this job, it just gets on my nerves. And, and, you know, all the things we convince ourselves that it's the job, it's the place, it's the coworkers, it's the boss. So I'm asking you to just take a look. Is it that you're not accepting yourself? And if you could be fully authentic, what would that change for you? Who would that change with your interactions at work? Because see, this isn't just an overnight thing. This is an ongoing process that requires courage. It requires self-reflection, like through your journaling. And it really requires you to step outside of that comfort zone. And when you're true to yourself, especially at work, your decision-making improves. You make choices that are in better alignment with your values and long-term goals, rather than just always playing it safe. Which again, I firmly believe leads to greater job satisfaction. You'll like your job more, it reduces your stress, and I believe it helps you to perform better. So as I wrap up this episode, embracing your authentic self, flipping that default sentence, that soundtrack that's filtering the way you view your life, isn't just about making a day-to-day move, like something that's just gonna be for the moment. This is something that can free you up from worrying about judgment and negative thoughts, again, enabling you to build better relationships, make better decisions, and ultimately succeed in a way that really feels true to you. It's about letting your true self shine in your professional life as well, right? So as we wrap up, the first thing we identified was what are you hesitant to reveal about yourself? And then we talked about what are some of the limiting beliefs that encourage you to hide and conceal some of the best parts of you? And then third, actionable insights, ways, small steps that you can take, express yourself, your true self, your authentic self openly. In wrapping up, I wanna leave you with this, this quote that I really love. It's another quote from Brené Brown. You know, we all love Brené Brown, right? So the quote is, "It's hard to practice compassion when we're struggling with our own authenticity or when our own worthiness is off balance." Brené Brown. So if you're ready to take the next steps towards a more authentic and confident life, I am here to help you. Click the connect link in the show notes if you're ready for one-on-one coaching. I can help you become more confident, unlock that shit that's holding you back. Guys, click the link in the show notes and let's get this work going so more people can get what they want in life. All right, my peeps, we'll talk next week.