Ep 64: High performing men and vulnerability with Angus Nelson

You are listening to episode number 64 with Mr. Angus Nelson.

If you're someone who wants to make major changes in their life, someone who wants to achieve their goals, or maybe you're someone who knows this is not as good as it gets, but you have no idea where to start. On the Reinvent You podcast, we explore different types of people, their successes and failures, and how they reinvented themselves to create the life they love. It's our hope that from hearing their stories that you too may have more insight into what it takes to build a life that you envision for yourself. Here to help you do that is performance and life coach Travia Steward.

My guest on the Reinvent You podcast today is Mr. Angus Nelson. He helps high-achieving men to align their lives with their purpose. He's worked with executives of the world's largest companies including Walmart, BMW, Coke, Hallmark, and, and he's also worked as a speaker and a coach and facilitator. He comes from a background of starting his first business, becoming overwhelmed, overworked, falling into addiction, ending in a divorce, and losing his self-worth. Today on the podcast, Angus shares very vulnerably his story of redemption and personal growth to help men know that they're not alone, and that life can be significantly different than it is today, and how they can get out of their own way. Today our conversation ranges from a realm of things from symptoms to— for you to figure out when you're spiraling through into these, these unwanted behaviors, how he helps men find the ability to be vulnerable with the people in their lives that matter. Also how to break free from the things that are not taking you where you want to go, and so much more. Join me right now for the conversation with Angus. I'm so excited to get started with this conversation. Welcome to the podcast, Mr. Angus Nelson. How are you today?

Well, thanks for having me, Travia Steward. I'm doing great. We just got done with, um, an awesome weekend. We had lots of family, you know, summer. It's got all the cousins visiting. They're out in the pool splashing clashing and making a ruckus. And so now we're jumping back in our weekend, like, what a way to start the week, right?

Yeah, it's so cool, you know. And as a matter of fact, I had to remind myself that Monday— is Monday a holiday for me, or is it just like, oh, I'm an entrepreneur, it's whatever I want it to be?

Whatever, whatever. And, you know, and here's, here's the thing, like, and connected to, to, to being an entrepreneur, because I'm the same like you, and, and there's this element of it being summer. Yes, people here, but that's the thing is people are here after this last year. I'm an extrovert. So like anytime we have people visiting, family, friends, or whatever, I've got my accountant coming over at 3:30. I was like, you're meeting at my house. My bookkeeper's in town. I'm like, we're not going to a restaurant. We could, but I like, I just want to have people. I want to host you. I want to like make you a drink. I want to like, I just want to like be connected.

Yeah.

Um, yeah, it's, it's a great time right now just to be grateful.

It is. And you know, when you're saying that, just to be connected, like my— the thing that I thrive on the most is, especially after COVID, it's like I just want to go out there. Wherever there is, I want to go out there. I don't want to be in the house anymore. I want to connect with other people. So I totally get that. I love that we have that in common. So Angus, you know, introduce yourself to my people? Like, what is the context of what you do? How do you show up in the world? And just a little bit of your story. Who is Angus Nelson?

Sure. So I'll give you the textbook, you know, the little elevator spiel first. And that is, you know, I'm a high-performance men's coach. I help men to get the hell out of their own way. My clients are high performers, high capacity. They do really big things and have big dreams. But for some reason, they've hit a ceiling. What once worked is no longer working, and they've built kind of like a bottleneck around themselves because now they're the source of every question, every answer. They think that by having that kind of command and authority that they're actually doing the best of service, but what they're actually doing is clogging up the pipes. You need to get people around you that are smarter than you, faster than you. You need to be able to fly at 30,000 feet and carry out a vision. And there's a lot more to that, and I'm sure we'll dive into that. But behind all that came from my story is my first business I ran, I ran into the ground because I did exactly what I just prescribed to you not to do. And suddenly I didn't know how to delegate. I didn't know how to hire, you know, some operations. I didn't know how to ask for help. I didn't know how to go to my board. I did all these things that most people do throughout their lives is when things get tough, we work harder because that's going to fix it, right?

Absolutely.

And I went to like 60, 70, 80-hour work weeks, and I was just burning the candle on both ends. I was operating out of lack and deficit. And so in my urgency to try and make something happen, what I now see looking back is I was simply trying to provide protection for my own ego. I wanted to prove to my wife, prove to my board, prove to the community that I could turn this ship around because we had made some mistakes. We found ourselves in financial crisis and I was going to be the hero. Yeah, and that was part of my problem. In short order, I started coping with the pain and the stress, and I started with porn. And now here I'm spending late nights when I could be back home with with my wife, or I could be, you know, working on other things, and I'm consumed in trying to sense some form of control over this situation through what I see and what I feel. It is an escape. And then I started drinking because the guilt and the shame of like, ugh, I feel just gross. And now I started drinking, and then I started pursuing relationships outside my marriage, and now I'm sleeping around. Like, when I look back, like, none of it makes any sense. And I don't think anyone wakes up in the morning and says, you know what, today's a good day to really jack up my life, right? Nobody does that. It's a slow, incremental deterioration. And when you finally wake up, everything's gone from under you, and now what? And so I've made it my life mission to try and intercept people where they're at and say, if these are some of the symptoms you're feeling, let me show you a better way.

Wow. And so that's exactly the— that's the light that came on for me, because it's kind of like, yeah, you have this guy, you know, John Smith, who is like, he's spiraling, you know. What if he's listening to this podcast right now? What are like 2 or 3 of the symptoms when he's like, you know, instead of— because the metaphor I use is always like, oh, I put that up on the shelf, you know, I'm gonna talk about that later, then that whole shelf falls down. What are like 2 to 3 symptoms that they're like, ooh, if you can catch this and notice this, this can save you a world of hurt?

If there's something in your life that you can't tell your mom or your dad, if you're struggling with something that you're hiding, it's a problem. It can be, you know, anything from a food eating disorder to, you know, smoking some weed just to try and take the edge off. And what started off as just kind of a recreational thing now becomes an almost daily thing. If you're in a place where pornography is an obsession, or dating apps that you find yourself spending hours on, and like, if you couldn't go to your mom or dad and say, hey, you know what I've been doing with my time? You're in a place of hiding, and anything you hide will grow. Yeah, it's like, yeah, I'm kind of a weird mold, right? And until that stuff comes to the light, it can never stop festering. And you have to bring these things out to light. Now, am I saying go out into the public and tell everybody your junk? No, that would be ridiculous.

Right, right.

But getting therapy, getting a counselor, getting coaching, or finding a good trusted friend, someone that you can— and, and for some guys, I say trade daggers.

Okay.

It's like when you get to this place that you can share something so vulnerable, it's like, this is a dagger that could take me down. And when you show yourself vulnerable, you give others permission to do the same. And so oftentimes when you have a really great relationship, of which many men don't, we don't have really quality relationships, we have really shitty ones. Can I say that?

Absolutely. Okay. Yes.

So really shitty conversation or relationships where maybe it's my, you know, my bro for, you know, fantasy football, it's the softball league, it's the bowling league, you know, it's one of these things, these recreational pieces, but we really don't have friends that we could sit down and really talk about depths of life, right? And when you can find somebody like that, it's an absolute treasure. But our culture, or our former, you know, boomer generation who didn't have connection with emotion and emotional intelligence or self-awareness, didn't have the tools to be able to teach or train us how to maintain it ourselves, right? And so there's this thirst and need for men across the board to understand how to process these pains, how to process these emotions, right?

So I love that. I love how you're just so thorough with everything. How does a man, you know, like, find it safe to be vulnerable? You know, because, you know, most of the men that I work with are like, you know, well, no, you know, I, I might admit that to you, but I'm never going to admit that to my, to my partner, to my wife, whatever. How, you know, coming from a man here, how do they find and open up that level of vulnerability?

Yeah, I think it goes back to what I was saying, is sometimes you got to start with like someone who's paid to shut up. You know, yeah, like if it's a therapist, you know, let me start with talking to a professional. So I'm gonna put some money on the table, right, which is gonna cause me to show up, and I'm gonna tell somebody something that I've never told anyone else before, right? And again, once you bring that to light, you know, now all of a sudden things can be dealt with, and a professional will be able to kind of help you discern or dissect, you you know, some of the elements of that story or that belief that is driving that behavior. And, and that's a big thing is what we don't understand is the thing we're doing is not the thing we should be concerned about. It's not about the porn, it's not about the drinking, it's not about the sex, it's not about the workaholism.

Why?

Are you doing those things, right? What is the feeling of inadequacy? What is the feeling that I'm not enough? I always say it comes down to 3 things: I'm not worthy, I don't deserve, or I don't have what it takes. And if that's the underscore of some of these things, we can change stuff because those are elements of identity, right? And when you shift identity You shift beliefs. You shift beliefs, you change behaviors. You change behaviors, you get different outcomes, different results.

Yeah.

And so a lot of this comes down to— and this is, you know, if we're going to get down to brass tacks and get real practical about this— is like, how do I see me? Trivia: when you wake up in the morning, you look in the mirror, do you say, man, I really suck? I'm so stupid. What an idiot. Are these the things you say to yourself when you look in the mirror?

Not at all. Not at all. I'm very—

what would you say? Right.

I say, well, first of all, I say I'm confident. I got this. My 2021 word is bold. I will take action. I am strong. I live a life of health, great health, great wealth, abundance, and prosperity. And I mean, I do incantations. I'm a, you know, Tony Robbins and just, you know, I mean, I've already done my meditation. Meditation, my visualization. So I know that, you know, in the morning, my goodness, that's the gasoline, that's the fuel. I'm fueling my brain so that I can make things happen throughout the day. Absolutely.

Right. And yet the men, what we're talking about, and women who wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and question all of those things that you and I might say to ourselves, yeah, are the ones who are victims of that belief system. So if we break this down, it's like I have a belief and I built a story around that belief. So for instance, I have a client, he comes to me, he runs, um, a company at 26 years of age. He's running his own company, uh, nearly just shy of 7 figures. Like, pretty impressive. I wasn't doing that at 26. Dang, come on, brother. And he says, um, I didn't graduate from high school. How long is it gonna be before I bail on this company too? And I said to him, that's a really shit story. What if your container was so big it did not require a diploma in which to achieve what you see in your heart to achieve, but instead required you to leave school so that you could experience life in such a way that life would prepare you for what life was preparing for you.

Yeah.

Suddenly you give it a new story. What are the stories you're telling yourself on a daily basis that are crippling and sabotaging you from a powerful future? And so in a workplace, gosh, we just came out of the pandemic when some people got laid off, and to get the next job, they feel like it's a fight. They feel like they're sending out resume after resume after resume. And if you're listening and that's you, I will tell you that you're only filtering through the no so you can get to the yes. And it sounds like it's placated. It sounds like it's like, what? Dude, I gone through it myself. I had those times when I questioned, am I a failure now? Am I incomplete? Am I in a place where I cannot be hired? Am I too old? Am I not savvy anymore? Like, does nobody love me? And that sounds kind of cheesy, but like, that's what it feels like. And if you're a high performer, a lot of the reasons why you do what you do is for some form of validation. And so the experience you're going through is actually paying you a favor because it's eradicating you of the need to please. And now you get to lean into your gift. What am I actually good at?

Yeah.

And so when you walk into an interview, instead of thinking, oh, how am I going to screw this up, or how am I going to be rejected, You attract what you are. And so if you believe that you're rejectable, then you'll just attract rejection, right? So what's the story, right? Oh, I couldn't get this job. I put out these, these, these, you know, freaking resumes and nobody's hiring me. Or my gift is so valuable that these things I'm just chasing after they're not the right fit, right? And I'm seeking for the right fit, and therefore I'm actually finding the universe is being particular to open the doors that are necessary and closing the ones that are not.

I love that. Well, yeah, that's powerful, Angus. I feel like, you know, you and I, we are a lot alike. Like, I'm 100% on board with everything that you're saying. So I want to— like, we're talking brass tacks here, right? Yeah, so I still want to touch a little bit on— a hair more on vulnerability. So I know that, you know, it's, it's easier to go and pay someone to listen to you. It's easier to tell your best guy friend. But how do you find the vulnerability as a man, Angus, to tell your wife that you have cheated, that you had, you know, with someone you're not proud of even before the relationship?

Yeah, um, so each relationship is different. There's no like, you know, like absolute, like, this is how it is, right? However, there are some principles that I like to have on board. You know, one, are you telling somebody what you're telling them just to relieve yourself of your own pain? If you are, that's the wrong time to be vulnerable. If you're feeling guilt and shame about something you've done and now you're going to go tell your partner, oh, I just did this thing, you're taking your pain and you're dumping it on them because now you're sharing from a place of a scab versus a scar, right? So if I was, um, unfaithful before we got married with, uh, you know, some other women that I dated. I don't necessarily need to be sharing that with my spouse in the middle of dating. Well, let me back up, before we get married, right? But after we're married and we're, we're together, it's like that doesn't mean as much as it did while we were still dating. Because while we're still dating, it was still the same place as those other, you know, infringements, versus now we're married. I chose you, you chose me, we are one. Now when I share what happened back then, It's like, that's a scar. It's no longer a scab. It's not an open wound that can be, you know, festering into something worse. It's like, that was me back then. I was a bit of a turd, but now it's you and me, and this is a different world, right? So, so there's some wisdom in how you share, right? If you're in a relationship and you haven't been faithful, well, then that's another complexity. It's like, I'm just going to go and sit down with my spouse and say Hey, I cheated. That's a bombshell, right? How do you share that? Do you need a third party in which to share that? And third, do you even need to share that? Because I probably, contrary to some people, if you've been a bonehead and made some mistakes, sometimes those things are still scabs, right? And you're questioning, like, what made me do that, right? Again, it's not about the thing that happened, it's the thing behind the thing. What was my feeling of inadequacy? Why did I go to that place? What is it that's coming up in me to make me think that that was a good decision? And it comes back down to your identity. I know this Every level that you grow, your subconscious will want to bring you right back to the old identity at new because your subconscious wants you to feel safe. And even if that— I call this the belief box, right? It's kind of like grabbing this little box here just to give you like a little— like in this box, like that's what I believe, like everything about my stories. And personal growth causes me to step outside of that belief box into bigger beliefs about myself. And the challenge is now I get faced with a universe that feels like it's trying to push me back in my box. It's actually not the universe, it's your own subconscious saying, are you sure you want to? Are you sure you're that guy? Oh, you're such a fraud. Oh, you're being an imposter. You're not this guy. And your subconscious is not doing it because it's cruel and a beast and a monster. It's doing it because it wants you to feel safe. That's the way we're wired. We want to stay safe. And yet the only times we truly feel alive is when we take risks. And so for us to have a life that's fulfilling, we have to continue to take these risks. So we step outside that belief box, we experience something, you know, that feels awkward and different and new. And then we have to normalize that this is the state I'm at. This is the kind of money I'm capable of making. This is the kind of people I'm capable of associating. This is the kind of person I'm becoming. And so now you grow to that. Your subconscious takes you back to that old identity. And now you start acting out, your behavior starts to fall back to those old patterns. And then maybe means that you make choices you otherwise would not have made. Suddenly you took a hit of some chemical, you took an opportunity to go to the strip club, you took an opportunity to, you know, look at some shit you shouldn't be looking at, and you could go right back into that shame cycle and say, look, see, I suck, that's just me. Suddenly you've acquiesced to the old identity, or I see what's going on here. I made this action because I didn't believe I am now the man that I know that I am in this present tense, and therefore I'm going to reject those behaviors, and instead I'm going to use that as a lesson to say every time I see that I have to be vigilant to see those red flags, to see the propensities that I have, and create the kinds of boundaries or borders around my life that will keep me from falling into again, right? I don't want to go to that, so I'm going to create some kind of accountability, whether that be a person, whether it be software, whether that be places I go to. Like, for me, I try to never go to a one-on-one meeting with a member of the opposite sex. It's not because I have anything against women. It's not anything. It's just like my background, my track record, in honor to who I am and the gift that's in me. Like, I just don't want to be in a place where there's any question that anybody says, oh hey, I saw him with some lady. They should— he looked like he might have been making eyes. Like, no, I'm— no, not in private, not in public. I just don't I do everything in my power to try and like circumvent those kinds of circumstances. I might invite somebody else into a meeting like that, or I just don't take the meeting, we'll do it on Zoom, right? Like, this is the bigger picture. Yeah, of what this looks from a very practical standpoint, right?

So you mentioned a few minutes ago that you experienced porn, you know, you went through basically drinking, you know, alcoholism, maybe infidelity. Like, you know, because it's obvious you've done the work. You're a coach. You know how to help people. But peel all of that away. Let's say that you're an average Angus who is like— he doesn't even know what a high-performing guy is, right? He is a guy who is caught up in porn. His wife— their communication has broken down. And what if you were to go back to your steps that you took before you knew today what you know? What were the practical things that you did to come out of that? You know, before, like, even without going like my identity, because most people are like, what does that even mean, right?

Yeah, yeah. I love this question, Trivia. Thank you so much for asking this, because all things are possible to those that believe. What you believe about you is everything. So if you're starting at some point where you're struggling with any of these issues, the first thing we have to, you know, kind of bring into question is, what do you want to believe about you? Because the books you read and the things you listen to actually transform you more than you give it credit for, right?

Yeah.

And I always say that the people you associate are the people you imitate. And so what circles are you in? If you're in just a bro culture, guess what you are? You're a bro. If you want to hang around with chickens, you'll never be an eagle. Like, the first thing you have to do is change the behavior of the people you associate with. Like, excuse me, let me rephrase that. That sounds really weird. You're not changing their behavior. Yeah, yeah, your behavior, right?

Right, right.

By choosing to be around other people. And at first it may feel really awkward. I remember when I first started doing this and I walked in the room and I felt like an absolute, like, fraud. I don't belong here. These people make— they make way more money than me. They look way more successful. They dress way nicer than me. Like, who the hell am I to be in this room? And I just kept putting myself in the room. So I'd go to like networking events and I would go to conferences and I started learning that the only difference between me where I was and them where they are was in the fact that they were doing things I wasn't doing, believing things I wasn't believing, right? And if I got to the place— oh, and thinking things I wasn't thinking. I'll add that too. Like, just those 3 things: how they thought, what they did, and what they believed. And the beauty is, all 3 of those things you can change. Like, you have the power in and of yourself to change. And so the first thing I would say is, what you hear about, you think about. You think about, you talk about. You talk about, you bring about. And so if you ever want to know where your belief system is, listen to your mouth. Kind of like we were joking in the beginning when Travia Steward, you were looking in the mirror like, I suck. Some people actually have that language come out their mouth. You make a mistake, you're like, of course that happened to me. Oh, of course it was gonna blow up. Oh, what was I thinking? I'm such an idiot.

Yeah.

Guess what you believe about you? All those things you're saying.

Absolutely. It's like the iceberg, right?

And so if you're in that place, right, your iceberg has gotten really large under the surface of junk, right? And so it's going to take a little bit for you to retrain your brain and change what you're listening to. So what does this look like practically? I guarantee you some of the music— if you're listening to a lot of booty bump kind of music, guess what you're thinking about? Like you're trying to get some and you are thumbing through some kind of online dating something or other, or porn, right? Because that's what you're listening to. If you're listening to Tony Robbins, as you mentioned before, guess what you're thinking about? Higher level thinking. Yeah, Tony Robbins has challenged me to question my shit, right? If you're listening to Brené Brown, if you're listening to Brendon Burchard, if you're listening to like, go down the list, there are so many people who have so much positivity and so much power in the way they perceive the world. And if you start listening to that stuff, finding podcasts like Travia Steward who's going to challenge you and bring other people that are going to contextualize these new factoids for you, it's going to model your brain differently. And so the things you're watching, like there are some shows that I've started and I just, I can't get into it. I tried to watch Game of Thrones. I know everybody loves Game of Thrones. You know what? That first episode, just this like crazy amount of like unnecessary sex and it was violent sex. And then at the end, they— spoiler alert— they push a kid out of the window to his death. I'm a father. Like this is all seriously disturbing for me.

I'm done.

I'm out. I don't need to see that shit. I started to watch Westworld. Westworld, all these manipulative human beings who go to this crazy world to live out their lust and desires with these robots who are now coming to consciousness. Like, uh-uh, no, I don't need this. People are subjecting themselves to drama. Don't need it. I can go down the list. The things you're watching, horror, sex, like whatever. I'm not trying to be a prude. I'm not taking you to church. I'm not putting you in any kind of like dogma. I'm just saying what you're watching is shaping you, right? In the same way, what you eat shapes you too. And so looking at that whole element is the information you're listening to. If you are here in a place where you are struggling The first thing I would say is change what you listen to. Second thing is change who you're with. Change your audience of people you spend time with. Yeah. Get— who was it? Was it Jim Rohn that said the difference between who you are today and the person you'll be in 5 years are found by the books you read and the people you associate?

Yeah, right.

Like, these are really, really simple things, and for whatever reason we make them hard and I love to say this when people come to me and they say change, transformation, business growth, whatever, it's so hard. Oh my God, it's so hard. And I say, what if it was easy? What if you just made a decision that this is going to be easy? Yeah, maybe it would. And then you'll like watch something like, oh my gosh, this is garbage, forget this, I'm gonna go to something else. You know, I'm not being, like I said, not being a prude, don't watch TV, like whatever. No, I mean, what I'm saying is be mindful of its effect and impact in your life.

Absolutely. I love that. Thank you for sharing that. So what do you think is the core of your motivation for this work? Like when I think about the reason why I do this work, because it's easy for us, like, you know, I consider myself a high performer. I'm assuming that you also are a high performer. It's easy to just go off and do our own thing, right? And we're not going to have a ladder and pull people up with us, right? We're just going to go and stay in our own bubble, make our own money, and that's it. But there was one day I looked and, you know, that was the beginning. I looked in the mirror and I said, you know, is there more for me? There's got to be more than this. And then I looked around to my siblings, I looked around to my friends, and I went, and there's got to be more for you too, and you just don't know what that is. And so I felt a huge calling that, that's what you— it was the craziest thing. And he goes, I was at the gym on the spin bike, and I listened to a lot of motivational videos and, and audios on YouTube and stuff. And it was a combination of like Tony Robbins, you know, Les Brown, you know, Jim Rohn, all those people. And I was, I was still teaching high school, and I was like, I just, I feel like there's something bigger. And in a moment Angus, like, I just heard this voice. It's like, you know, this is where you're supposed to be. You know, you are supposed to be giving back and helping your people come up just like you have. And I'm on the spit mic and I'm going and I'm just crying like a baby because I was like, oh my God, it was so powerful. Based on the things that you've gone through, Angus, what was that moment for you when you knew that it was this? You had a bigger calling than just Angus.

Um, again, Trivia, I fucking love that question. Um, I hope it's okay to say that.

Absolutely.

Here's what I know: our world is much bigger than we give it credit for. And just like you said, you had this almost supernatural kind of experience. I had the same, and I came from a church background, so I can get really like super spiritual about kind of what it was like, and I've come to learn like some super practicals of what some of that may look like if you're outside of like a church background. And for me, it was a very similar thing. It was December 25th, 2003, and I'd just been divorced 2 days earlier. My divorce was finalized on the 23rd. Merry Christmas. Yep, I was sitting under my Christmas tree and I was contemplating how I was going to take my life, and I heard a voice that said, "We're not done here yet." And that was the beginning. Again, I came out of not having a sense of emotional intelligence or self-awareness. I knew a lot about religion and doctrine and, you know, legalism, which only perpetuated my shame. It made me feel less than. And in this moment, I discovered a thing called grace. And over the next year, uh, 2 years actually, I started like— I was eating everything I could get my hands on. From a mental standpoint. Videos, you know, um, and they sell like cassette tapes back then, like, you know, anything I get my hands on. Like, YouTube wasn't necessarily a thing yet, um, and I was just pounding my head with information. And what I came to learn— there was a pivot in 2005 where there was an author who was writing this book called Becoming the Person You Want to Be. The whole premise was we're so busy trying to like get what we want externally, we don't realize we have all we need internally. Kind of like the story of Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz.

Yeah.

And so that opened my eyes to this whole new level. And so I put my house on the market and went and sat under this guy for a year down in Huntsville, Alabama. And he was my first mentor. And, um, that was the piece that I transition into an understanding of expansion. This guy I sat under had this faith perspective, but it was meant, or it was melded with this element of psychology and, um, mental health, emotional wholeness, and Eastern practice. And I'm like, what? I don't like— I don't like— this guy would challenge the way I thought. And one of the things he brought into this was this quantum world, like to understand that we live in quantum science and molecular elements, and what you speak has power, and what you are experiencing has energy and frequency. And these were all like new weird things to me, and yet very much in the context of what I knew. And so my transition into understanding like, this is what I'm called to do. Actually happened 10 years ago. So I had this experience over these 5 years of growth, and then I was, um, in a place where I had, uh, the economic downturn 2009-2010. It happened. My wife challenged me to write a book, and so I wrote a book called Love's Compass, and it told my story of that brokenness and that failure. And how I, you know, came back from it. And I was a stay-at-home dad at the— see, during that season. And if you watch any of my— you can like Google my old, like really old YouTube videos, and I had like this series of videos that I did, and they're horrible. Like I look back and I'm a little embarrassed, right? And they were my first attempts of like being motivational, and I knew there was something that I had to give, something I had to contribute. And that book led me getting into social media to try and promote the book. My brother, he had this really big swanky job working for Salesforce. He was their head of social media. So he knew like all these big names in the space. He's like, yeah, there's this thing called Twitter. I'm like, what's the Twitter? You know? And so I get into the Twitter and I started doing social media. And Long story short, I ended up meeting some of his friends at South by Southwest. He just introduced them to me and say, "Hey, that's so-and-so from such-and-such. They're a hugger, shaker, go." My brother and I were identical twins, so they don't know the difference. They think they're talking to Marcus, my brother. Then 5 minutes later, he would walk up and they'd be like, "What the what?" That's how I got introduced to Gary Vaynerchuk and all these really big hitters in the marketing space. And one of those guys gave me a shot to work with his company he was starting. And suddenly I was running an association of Fortune 500 brands. Talk about imposter syndrome. Like, how did I get here? These people have gone to the best schools. They're making great money at these incredible companies. And I'm creating all this curriculum around innovation and digital transformation and all the stuff that I had studied on my own and learned. And drinking from a fire hose. And that's why I know, by the way, side note, you can become the person you want to become if you put in the work. And so anyway, I'm running this association and I'm finding myself on calls with people who, like I said, have all the things. And so many of them were miserable. And I found myself on calls talking to them more about about their personal issues than they were about digital transformation and innovation. And that's when the light bulb went off. Now I know my thing. Like, this is coaching. And that was in 2015. And so I spent the last 6 years now transitioning to say, how do I coach? And so I started coaching, and my first coaching thing was 4 or 5 years ago, and I charged like $350.

Like, ooh, $350. Right?

And only to realize, like, you need a lot of clients to make a real living that price, right? And since then, I invested in myself in other coaching. Like, I've spent over $100 grand just on getting me where I need to go, right? Like, my coaches, my mentors, my investment in myself. And by the way, if you ever get a coach and that coach isn't doesn't have a coach of their own, like, that's not the right coach. You want somebody who's investing in themselves, right? And so to answer your question, in this long context, it was these series of discoveries of having that supernatural experience, then making a move to get to a different place to learn a different perspective, to then work with people who— it was as if my gift and their need We're drawn together magnetically. And then I saw like, I have something to offer. And the more that I've grown and the more I've invested in myself, the higher caliber quality and value I bring. And now I can rapidly take somebody, you know, from where they're at and unlock and unleash them in such a short period of time because I've walked the freaking path.

Yeah.

And I know the challenges. And I know your story probably is very similar. Like you had that moment, but that's not all. I know that you invested in a completely, like if you're talking Tony Robbins, I know you know the drill. Like what, I bet you want to pause. Okay. I'm gonna reverse the mic here for a second. Like what was like the first like book or two? Like you read this book and you were like, oh, like that was the first personal development book that rocked your world.

Motivation Manifesto, Brendon Burchard.

Come on, come on. Again, somewhere up here.

Yeah. So if you can't see, and I found him through a podcast, and he— I'm in Arizona, and I was on spring break from teaching. He came to Phoenix to do High Performance Academy for, you know, like 4 days. And I had already been to the gym and had this epiphany. And, you know, this was like a year or two before. And then every single day, Angus, I'm in the conference.

Come on.

I mean, every day. And there was one woman sitting next to me and she goes— she pulls out her card and she goes, I don't know what this is about, but I know there's something big here and I want to be a part of it. My goodness, you're going to do some big things because there's something waking up in you. She hands me her card and we're in touch to this day.

Love it.

Yeah, but it was, it was, I would say Brendon Burchard was the catalyst. I mean, I had already been familiar with Tony Robbins and stuff, but it was something about his book. It was about him speaking. It just was, I was in that place in that moment.

I love it. I love it. Yeah, he's I remember when, when he was like kind of just hustling like marketing stuff, and then he kind of turned a corner, went far more into the motivational stuff. Like, awesome. And then Brené Brown— I felt like Brené Brown for me was kind of another pivotal piece. Um, I'm trying to remember the first one. I mean, it was Tony Robbins, um, and then, oh, there was a book that my counselor gave me when I was coming through my divorce called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. And in it, he said that men seek three things. They seek a battle to fight, a princess to win, and an award to win. Oh, no, battle to fight, a princess to rescue, and I forget what it is, but it's something like those three things. And it's kind of this story metaphor. And, um, and I think that's where you and I probably share this, this piece is like we have these life experiences and then you move from, I have these victories, I have, you know, some elements of success, whatever, and now I want to move into like this area of contribution, this area of like, like, how do I make this shit contagious?

Yeah, right. Yeah.

And, um, that's where— that's where I— this, this is the last thing I'll kind of say on this, is like, if the world was created by something, some kind of universal intelligence, God, call it what you will, and the universe is constantly expanding, and our little speck of dust planet called Earth in the midst of this massive universe as a sun that shines, grass that grows, and wind that blows. And I can lay down asphalt, and in just a short while, grass will start punching up through it. Or I, you know, shave down a field and leave it for a couple of weeks, you know, back will grow a jungle, you know, in just a matter of months. It's like everything is built for expansion. How much more should we as an element and expression of this creative being and creative life force that gives us this cognizance, consciousness, that we are the only species that can perceive and to act in ways that other creatures and species cannot. How much more should we be in this place of generosity and abundance, that our expansion is in this place that we can pour into others, not because we have need for anything from them, but simply because of the gifts within us. And now instead of being in a place where we're looking externally for validation, instead of— we've already validated ourselves. And now I walk into a room with nothing to gain, nothing to prove, and nothing to lose. I come and be just because I am. How much more powerful would our world be if people could operate like that?

Oh, it's beautiful. You're like a poet. That is beautiful, Angus. Wow, thank you. Wow. So good night, good night. So Angus, I know that, you know, you said these exact words, you know, when you work with men, you unlock and unleash. How do you do that? You know, without giving us your kitchen sink, of course, you know, but How do you do that? I know you have something, you know, that's called the Matrix, the Manhood Matrix, Matrix Alignment. Yeah, I know. But that's a, that's a mouthful, like 3 times in a row. So yeah. How do you do that, Angus?

So Manhood Matrix, I looked at Maslow's Pyramid and his whole element of self-actualization. And I said, well, so what does that look like, you know, for the guys that I serve? Like, I've following patterns. And as a coach, you know, this is like, you work with enough clients, and sometimes you can kind of pattern match, like, different elements or areas that people are in. And so one of the things I observed is like, MANHOOD is an acronym. Like, the first thing is your mindset. Like, that's the foundation of like, think of it as a pyramid. And I actually have this download, you can actually go get it at manhoodmatrix.co. CEO. And in this level of mindset, you're at this place where you're seeing those beliefs that we talked about and the stories that you're creating. And then you stack upon that in this alignment tool, your attitude. Like, you know, from Tony Robbins, life is happening for you, it's not happening to you, right? You're in this place where you come from seeing the world as a abundance, not from lack, but rather from this place of generosity. And from the attitude you stack upon that, your nature, that you understand that your nature isn't about the things that you do, it's about who you are. And suddenly, like, you're addressing things of the ego, which takes us to this place of humility. Humility is where you see your gifts, talents, and skills have a bigger place to play in the world, that it isn't just to build you and your kingdom, but it's to serve and it's to contribute. Then you'll go to this place of observation where you start to see the world almost in third person. And it's like you could be in the middle of a conversation with, you know, your special someone, and you're like defending your cause, and suddenly in the middle of like, holy crap, I'm talking from fear. I just projected a bunch of crap on you that you don't deserve. I am so sorry. And so like that third person snaps right back into first person, like You know what I just said? That was a bunch of hoo-ha. I want to take back that because I'm just angry right now and I'm afraid and I'm putting that on you and you don't deserve that. And your partner kind of like does a little cock of the head and says, okay, that's cool. Because now you're becoming self-aware and you're reading your own BS. Now you start to turn from observation into opportunity. Where those gifts, talents, and skills play in the world. Because my level of connection with people and my level of connection with self, my level of connection with my gift, now has, it has to be expressed. In which case I'll finally dare. I'll dare to do the thing that's in my heart to do. And our intuition is always calling us to these bigger places. And I don't believe you have one dare throughout your life. You're gonna have numerous dares, and each one is gonna scare the spit out of you. And this is what I love to say, is that your fear is always an invitation. Your fear is like Joseph Campbell says, in the cave you fear to enter lies the treasure that you seek. And so if we go back to where this whole conversation started, this element of your belief box, if you use this alignment tool and you build upon it, this whole context, anytime something goes sideways in your life, you can question Is this questioning and challenging my interactions with people? Am I being, you know, challenged in terms of my ego? Ooh, this is my nature. I'm questioning my nature. So what do I believe about my nature? What's my attitude about me? So you can go back down the line and say, where do I need to rebuild to transform the way that I'm engaging, the way that I'm thinking? The way that I'm behaving. And you'll start to see that each one of these 7 levels, once you master them, it's like there's cycles. You go through life and you'll keep addressing different cycle or different levels through different cycles throughout your life.

Yeah.

And that becomes like my go-to when I work with my clients and taking them through my process. I'm always going to measure back to the matrix. And so this becomes a tool. And honestly, can women use this? Yeah, you can, but I'm not gonna make it WOAH MAN because there's just too many letters. Yeah, but you can absolutely use this in your own life, and you can go download it for free. It's totally for you at manhoodmatrix.co.

Perfect. Thank you for sharing that. So in using that tool and being a high-performance man yourself, I'm thinking back to your first marriage before your divorce. I'm thinking about some other men who are working 80 hours right now, who feel they, they have to validate, they have to provide for their family, all those things. What is the one thing that your wife could have said to you? What is the one thing that a wife could say to her husband right now that validates them and where it's, you know, I'm like, oh my goodness, I can slow down. What is that thing?

The one thing, the one thing, 6 things. You know, here's the one thing I think a lot of men need to hear. I believe in you. You know, if you have the courage in your man to say, look, you're working 80-hour weeks. I know that these 80-hour work weeks are crazy and you're exhausted. Like, what would happen if we could like get rid of some of that? What if you got a new job? What if I could like help you? What if I could go find some jobs that are available? What if I could do something? Like, I believe in you, and I know that the life we're living isn't fair to any of us, and you deserve better. Because here's what I know: we are far less motivated by what we believe in and we are far more motivated by who believes in us. I don't know why that is, but it's like other people outside us can see our gifts far more clearly, far more objectively than we can. And when they call it out, something rises within. And so if you're a woman speaking into your man and saying, 'I believe in you,' and then contextualize that into why you believe in them. What part of them do you believe in? What ways can you put words and power into their chest? Because a man will rise to the occasion for those that believe in them. And if you think about it, every school teacher, any influence in your life, a parent, an aunt or an uncle, if they showed some kind of belief in you for whatever reason You always rose to the occasion.

Yeah.

And for men, there's like something in us that feel like we can do the same. And oftentimes a man who's been beaten up over and over again, you become kind of the fuel that helps them to see a different perspective. You don't want to be their crutch. You don't want to be their enabler. What you want to be is the person who is empowering their possibilities, loving them for where they're at, because you know that if you just love them where they're at, they'll take care of the rest. Yeah, that's the kind of man you want to have in your life.

Oh, that's powerful. I love it. So, Angus, you know, I got some guys who are listening right now. I'm, I'm, you know, when this episode drops, they're listening and they're like, How can I work with this guy? How can I get him to unlock and unleash what I have within me? What is the work that you do? How do you feel? How do you work with, with the men today?

Um, you can contact me. Probably the easiest way is, uh, a direct message on Instagram is probably the easiest, and we'll start a conversation. Like, I could send you my calendar link, we could set up a call, blah blah blah. You know what? I want to start a conversation first. Like, go to my Instagram, go see some of my posts, see if there's a— if you're vibing with me, see if my words are speaking to you first. And if they are, then tell me a little bit about you. Like, hey, I heard you on Travia Steward's podcast, and this is why this is meaningful to me, and this is why I would be a perfect person for you to work with. Because the truth is, I don't work with anyone. I want to work with people who like are in that place like, I am ready to get some shit done, right?

Like, you don't have to convince them, right?

I'm not here to sell you jack. I'm here to take you to the place that you are capable of, of, of going, but you have to choose that now is the time to go, right? And so reach out to me, Angus Nelson, uh, @angusnelson on Instagram. And I would be more than happy to start that conversation, see where it goes.

Perfect. I love that. Totally love that. And so, Angus, what's next for you? What's the next big thing on the horizon for Angus?

Other than a coaching call I have in like 2 minutes ago.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

I just texted him saying, hey, I'm coming. Yeah, um, there's— I think the next best thing, the next biggest thing for me is I'm in a place, um, where I am learning how to multiply myself. Where, like, I've done one-on-one coaching, and this is why, you know, and I know you can appreciate this, is like being at a place where you can only serve so many people with your time. And so now me being able to build tools that now take a lot of the resources I use for my clients and build them into a different kind of expression. Like right now I have, um, The Manhood Matrix is, is one piece, you know, it's got that one PDF which leads into a masterclass where I actually teach how to implement this. And then I have a group coaching, which is where now I'm coaching one-to-many and helping them, you know, go through this material together, right? So now it's not just me one-to-one where I can only do so much with my time. I'm creating one of two things. One is being able to meet more people where they're at on a broader spectrum, and it offers a lot of value because they're also getting to see that they're not the only one. There's other people were going through this as well, so I'm not alone. And then the third piece of this is, as they elevate, if they are at a place where they can work with me one-on-one, they can. And the next piece after that— by the way, I'm building a whole website right now. It's going to launch in the next few weeks. It has all this stuff in. Here's what I know on this, just a little side note, don't try and make things perfect. Just go and serve and then build it as you go. And that's kind of like my principle, like, I don't, don't get caught up in the weeds, just, just act, right? Oh, and so that took me to this last piece is making it a course. So now it's a lower ticket, you know, it's a lower price, and you can do it on your own, at your own pace, at your own time. And so now I just have videos that facilitate all that. So my coaching was really hard for me to let go of that because I thought like, I have to be the one, and I realized no, like, I'm not the hero. The hero of this story is you. I'm the instigator, I'm the igniter, I'm the inspirer, if that's even a word. So at the end of the day, like, I want to be Yoda and you're going to be Luke Skywalker, right?

Yeah.

That's— I'm Obi-Wan, and you be, you know, the Jedi Knight. Because what I know is I don't fix people. I work with people who already have the fixing abilities within them, and all I do is help them unlock and unleash. Like, you have the power within you to do these things. All I do is I like show a mirror and I say, see how much of a powerful mofo you are. Because once you see that, you can't unsee it.

Yeah. This is so powerful. Angus, thank you so much. I mean, just this conversation, I like, I feel like I could hang out with you all day long. We could just talk and come to Nashville, shoot the shit, you know? Yeah. I mean, I love it. I love it. Thank you so much for sharing. So openly and so vulnerably, honestly. So thank you so much. It's been an absolute blast and it's been, it's, it's, you know, a lot of the things that you said have made me think. And so I love that, you know, when I feel like, oh, we're not just doing an episode that's, I'm going to ask him a bunch of questions and no, no, this has been a very thoughtful conversation. And I thank you so much for that.

Oh, my pleasure. And I love your questions. You're an awesome interviewer. So, Travia, I can only imagine how awesome of a coach you are too.

Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that so much, Angus. Thank you. Okay.

My pleasure.

All right. Well, go ahead and head off to your next call. And I thank you. I will tag you on Instagram and Facebook when this drops. And, and yeah, let's stay in touch.

Yeah. And what, do you have a timeline on when you think it's going to drop?

I do. Uh, let's see, Angus is the 24th, actually. You're the 24th? Yep, July 24th.

Cool. All right, so I'll kind of keep that on calendar so my people can do what my people do. All right, and I can do what I can do.

Perfect, perfect. Sounds good.

And, um, thank you for the opportunity. And seriously, like, I love your questioning and I love your, your your depth. And I went back and actually saw some of your interviews, and you have some really interesting cats that you've interviewed, and from transgenders to like all the like woo and, you know, new agey, what, like fascinating. And I think it's such a, a great context for your platform is to not like stick to one thing but to like look at this broader spectrum.

And yeah, I just want to say, hey, thank you, I appreciate that so much, Angus. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If you like what you're hearing and perhaps you're interested in having a complimentary conversation with me, click the link at the bottom of the show notes. Thank you so much for listening. If you even want to know more about what I'm up to, head over to traviestewart.com. And if you like seeing the videos of the podcast, every episode is on my YouTube channel. Take care, guys.