Ep 66: Finding Confidence in the Darkest of Times with Ebony Moore

You are listening to episode number 66 with Miss Ebony Moore.

If you're someone who wants to make major changes in their life, someone who wants to achieve their goals, or maybe you're someone who knows this is not as good as it gets but you have no idea where to start, on the Reinvent You Podcast, we explore different types of people, their successes and failures, and how they reinvented themselves to create the life they love. It's our hope that from hearing their stories, that you too may have more insight into what it takes to build a life that you envision for yourself. Here to help you do that is performance and life coach Travia Steward.

My guest on the Reinvent You Podcast today is the host of bosswife.live. She is a confidence coach and she's also a business owner owning her own modeling studio. She works with women through encouraging them inspiring them to be self-motivated. She works with entrepreneurs, she works with mompreneurs, and she also, through her work, focuses on living a healthy lifestyle. Welcome to the Reinvent You podcast, Miss Ebony Moore.

How are you doing today? Hey, I'm good. Thank you for having me on here, Travia. How are you?

I'm really, really good, you know, and I love that, you know, have you ever— I think it's called code switching. Have Have you ever heard of code switching? So like, whenever I'm like, this is so Black of me, whenever I'm talking to somebody like, and you know, they're Caucasian or somebody, it's like, you know, I don't get that cool and hip and stuff, but now I hear you like, hey, so I'm like, I got permission to be here. We are code switching, baby. So very cool, very cool. So Ebony, I would love it if you could start off the episode with giving my audience a little bit of context. I already said you're a confidence coach, You own your own modeling studio. But that's so— that's a bit— that's big stuff right there. What was your journey to becoming that confidence coach and owning your own modeling studio?

OK, well, thank you for asking. So owning my own modeling studio, my journey was I was actually a model. I modeled for— I started modeling at 12 years old. And I modeled up until 19, 18, 19. My husband and I got married at 19, right out of high school. Out of school. And he— we immediately started our family. So, and he definitely didn't want me to model anymore because I was traveling and doing a lot of things. And so, um, once my kids started growing up, I noticed that they were very into modeling and acting and theater. So we live in Chattanooga, and so we went back and forth, back and forth to Atlanta, Chattanooga, to Atlanta, Chattanooga. And for them to be so young, there wasn't really anything for them to do here. So it was a lot of auditions and stuff like that, and they always loved them, you know. They always wanted to keep their pictures and do callbacks. They were like, oh, I need you to go home and work on this, you know, and I need you to go back and work on this. And for us to come back to Chattanooga, there was nowhere for them to do that here, you know. And by me being in the industry, I'm like, you can't just let certain skills sit because then they get dormant and, you know, you just lose them, right? Yeah. So, um, the older they got, they got more into theater. We did that a whole lot, a whole, whole lot. And so my daughter is still very much interested in modeling. So I was like, you know what, it's still a very big passion for me. I was still teaching modeling at different churches and organizations here in Chattanooga. So I was like, God was just like, you know, I'ma close one door. I actually lost my job during the pandemic, and it was extremely devastating, extremely devastating. I've never lost a job in my life. And, um, I'm a medical— I'm a certified medical assistant, so I work cardiology, and when that door closed, I mean, I think I was in the bed for about a week because I just, I couldn't grasp what just happened, you know?

Right.

So one of my coworkers, she actually sent me a video on Messenger. And it was about a girl who lost her job. Her life, she felt like her life was ending. And she had this really, really great passion for photography. So she started taking pictures, and then she noticed other people started noticing her taking pictures. So then they started paying her for her pictures. Then she started, you know, marketing herself as a photographer, and it just grew into something great. So she took this really, really bad moment and made it her best yet to come, you know what I'm saying? So yeah, so yeah, so I took that note and I ran with it. I was like, okay God, I don't know what you're telling me, but I'm gonna do it, you know. So that was kind of my journey to opening up my own modeling studio. I was like, we don't— in, in my studio we do modeling, acting, body arts, and theater, and nobody here offers that at all, not all in that same package. So, right, I was extremely excited about that.

Now, oh my God, that's incredible.

Thank you, thank you. So, and my kids love it. It's been growing, and I actually opened it up during the pandemic, and I don't have like bookoo of clients, but we have enough, right? I have a staff, we're moving, we're growing. We have our second fashion show coming up in September, so I'm really excited, I'm really excited. So my journey to becoming a confidence coach, that's kind of a big one for me. So I definitely lost all of my confidence. Like I said, I was modeling up until about 19. Immediately got pregnant after I got married. And it was a big slap in the face because I gained all this weight. Never been big in my life, right? Gained all this weight. Never had an issue with gaining or losing weight. And then I'm stuck in a house, like, not stuck, but, you know, I was a stay-at-home mom. We had 4 kids in 3 years, so it definitely was not worth me trying to work anybody's job.

Y'all were busy, right?

Definitely. So, you know, so I was a stay-at-home mom, you know, and I definitely lost all of my confidence. I felt like, well, I'm just gonna— I'm gonna be real with you, so my husband and I got married at 19. There was definitely infidelity in our marriage. I was going through a mental abusive relationship, physical abuse, um, emotional abuse. And for me to be carrying a child and going through all of that, it stripped me of everything, right? Like, like, I feel like a burn— you— a burn patient. Now you see like a burn patient and they're just— all of their skin is just gone, melted off, right? This is exactly what I felt like. On the inside. And trying to struggle through that, raise children and stay married and work on me, and you know what I'm saying? Like, I just— I lost everything. Like, it was just— it was unbearable for me. Um, I couldn't— I had thoughts of taking my own life, but I couldn't because I had 4 children and I just couldn't see myself leaving them because I was selfish. And then, you know, it's like, I swore— I tore with myself so much over that. It was awful. But moving past that, once I started seeing my children question their skin color, definitely my girls, once I started seeing them question their skin color, questioning their shape. Now, my husband is the same size as when we got married, right? Because we were the same size when we got married. So their jeans, you know, they're small. But for them to say, hey, I think I'm fat. I think, you know, my hair should look this way. Or can I get extra hair added in? Or can I change this about my skin? Like, my daughter literally asked me, Mom, um, is there anything I can do to make my skin lighter? And she's like 3 or 4 shades lighter than me, and it was devastating. And I'm like, okay. So I put— I literally like hid away all of my emotions, everything that I felt about me, and I started lying to myself and saying, you know, I don't have to love myself in order to love other people. I don't have to love how I look. I don't have to love my weight. I don't have to love you know, my hair or my skin color, because I hated all of those things about me. And I learned to ignore them. Like, I learned to look in the mirror and only look at my shirt or my earrings or my hair, you know what I'm saying? Like, I learned to ignore certain parts of my body that I was not comfortable with. So I hid all that away. And once I started seeing it in my girls, I was like, okay, so maybe they're seeing something that I'm letting off that I didn't know I was letting off. Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

I do.

Even though we, we fool ourselves, you know, kids are very intuitive. Like, they, they're very, very, um, aware of everything, even when we think they're not listening or watching us. So, um, that, that was it for me, you know. And then definitely, like, my baby girl, she, she was born with this great personality. She, I mean, Even when she was a baby, like, I think I have like a 2-year-old picture of her. She came out of my room— I mean, she came out of the bathroom. She took a bath. She had on her panties. And she did like this pose in front of the mirror. And she was like, can you send this to me, Ma? And I was like, uh, that's kind of like child porn. I can't send that. You know? Like, I can't send that over my phone. But I did. But my mom, like, we all just loved this zeal that she had about who she was and what she looked like, you know?

Yeah.

Now— She is in the— she's going to the 6th grade, 7th grade. She's going to 7th grade, and it's gone. It's gone. Like, you know, she asked me, can she get her hair a certain way? I let her do it. But then I see that she likes certain clothes. Then she tries to cover it up, you know. She tries to hide her body. Um, she doesn't feel like she's as pretty as the other girls. She hides in her room a lot, you know. And I'm like, When did that light go out? You know, like, I don't know. I don't know when that light went out, you know what I'm saying? Because now, once we got past that 2, 3, 4, 5-year-old, now they're in the public, you know what I'm saying? Like, so now I can't control everything that's being deposited into them, right? So that was it for me. I said, you know what, I love who I am regardless of my weight, regardless of whatever's going on with me, regardless of my circumstances. If I don't deal with me, I can't help my girls, you know. I can't have a modeling studio, I can't encourage other people because I, I don't believe what I'm saying. So that was my journey to becoming a confidence coach because I'm encouraging other people. I love boosting other people. I believe that anybody can do anything. My husband tells me, you know, I'm kind of, um, what's the word, um not passive, but, um, oh, I can't think of the word. He tells me all the time, naive. I'm very naive. Okay, okay. Like, immediately, like, if I meet you, I'm gonna think you're awesome, you're great, I trust you, I love you, you know. Like, whatever you tell me, I'm gonna take it for granted. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, everything you say, you say, I'ma be on your every word. And he's like, Ebony, the world isn't like that. But we can create the world to be that, you know what I'm saying? Like, we can encourage the world, a revolution. We can start our girls believing, hey, that girl beside you, she's just as great as you are, and you're going to complement each other in any kind of way that you can, you know. So that was my journey. So now I also volunteer at Girls Inc., you know, and I help motivate them and I help push them, and I just love it. Like, any way that I can, I invest back into the youth, I invest back into our community. And that's been my journey to becoming a confidence coach because I I need everybody to believe, you know, have this confidence, because without it, everything that we went through during the pandemic is going to keep happening, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you so much for sharing that.

Yeah, no problem.

Wow. What would you say if somebody's, you know, listening right now and they're going, oh my God, I could really use some help with getting my confidence back? What was your process? I mean, because it's not— we all know it's not as easy as going, oh, my daughter's recognizing this in me, and overnight I now have confidence. How did you look at yourself in the mirror again and go, I love me, and I am going to be the best me in this body, in this skin, and not see yourself as that burn patient anymore?

Right. My, um, my best friend— now, my mom has been telling me for years, you know, Ebony, you're beautiful, Ebony, but we don't take it from our parents, we don't take it from our spouses or aunts or whoever, because we feel like they owe us that, you know. They're definitely gonna say, yeah, Y'all great, you know what I'm saying? So it's like, okay, whatever. My best friend's mom— I gained— I was up to 308 pounds. And my best friend came to visit her mom, and we, you know, we met up. And so her mom saw me. Now, this is the one who's been seeing me since I was in 7th grade, so she knows everything about me, my whole life story, you know. Yeah. She looked at me, she said, Ebony, you— she said, are you happy? And I knew she wasn't talking about my life. You know, she was just saying physically. And she was like, are you happy? And I was like, you know, no, I'm a little uncomfortable. Like, you know, obviously I'm uncomfortable with my clothes or whatever. And she was like, you deserve to feel and look the way you want to. And for some reason it stuck with me. Like, it hit home more than anything has ever hit home to me before. So now this was also during the time I lost my job. And I immediately said, okay. So I wasn't focusing on looking for a job, I was focusing on me. I woke up every morning, I went to the gym. I told my husband, for my birthday, this is what I want— I want a gym membership.

Yeah.

And I told him, I said, but it has to be like a two-partner membership, like you have to go with me every day. He started going with me even when, even when we were working. You know, I would wait, he would wait for me because he gets off at like 3 or 4. I don't get off like 5 or 6. He would wait on me to get home. We went immediately to the gym. So then I started Googling and looking up affirmations. I started meditating, you know, and, and don't get me wrong, like, I'm a Christian, my husband's a preacher, but, and I'm not knocking Christianity, I love, you know, I pray all the time, but I've been a Christian my whole life. You know what I'm saying? So there was something— I had to take a different avenue. I started meditating.

Yeah.

Started taking my time for me. I started honing in on the things that I hated about myself. So then I started voicing all of them, right? I started writing them down. This is what I hate. I journaled it. Journaled it. You know, I hate this. I hate that. I don't like this. I could change this. I want to do this to my body. I want to do this to my personality. Because I'm that type of person. Like, I'm an acquired taste, even in my personality. So I hated the fact that I don't make friends as easy as everybody else does, you know what I'm saying? Like, people don't— I don't draw people to me. And that's— and that was just me, right? That's just how I felt and how I think. That doesn't make it reality. That was just my feeling.

Yeah, right.

So, um, I wrote down all of that. I wrote it all down. So then on the other side of the page, I wrote down everything that was great about me, everything that was wonderful about me, everything that was perfect about me. And then I put them together because I am imperfectly perfectly made, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm perfectly imperfect, and I had to realize that. And you're right, it didn't happen overnight, but I kept telling myself, hey, the end. And the more I told myself the things that I liked about me, that page that had everything negative about me, I never went back to it because now I know how to change my verbiage. Now I know how to think on purpose. You know what I'm saying? Like, when I, when I start thinking about, oh my God, I'm drowning, I'm, I'm overworked, I'm too this, I'm too that, I'm too tired, I'm too exhausted to do this, I'm too exhausted. And that's the problem. Like, sometimes I get too exhausted to invest in me. So you definitely have to take that time out. So in the mornings, that was my time, you know, that was my investment in Ebony time. Because we invest in everything else, right? We invest in a home, a future, we invest in stocks, buns, everything else. We try to make our future great, but we never try to make us great. And you can't, you can't have a great future without making you great first.

Yeah, so true.

So that was my, that was my working on me. Like, I, I literally, you know, I didn't add in extra hair, I didn't do makeup, I didn't, you know, I didn't buy clothes. Like, I didn't try to cover things up. I took me who I was, you know. I told my husband and my girls, hey, I'm going natural for a while. I mean, I'm already natural, but normally I like wear crochet or some weave or something or whatever. And I was like, no, like, I need to face who I am and this is what I need to love, right? Because it's easy to love that person that we're enhancing, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, it's easy to love that person that we're adding stuff to, right, to make us feel a certain way. I need to strip everything away just like I did with my emotions and learn to love everything physically as well as emotionally about Oh, that's really powerful.

Wow. I love that. So when, you know, I love, like, I, I wanted to smile when you were talking about theater. I taught high school theater for 24 years. And when you're talking about your kids are looking up and they're seeing this example and they're into modeling, they're into theater, they're into the body art and everything, but yet they're looking in the mirror questioning their skin color. Can your skin be lighter? Is there a component of— I want them to follow in the performance in theater because there you can bring on, you can take on any identity that you want. And it's almost like when you play these roles, the possibility, the door for possibility opens, especially for African-Americans, right? Because most of the time, like I grew up in a time where I didn't come from money. I came from people who work their tails off, from check to check, all those things. And I didn't see these people making a whole lot of money, and I didn't see the possibility of who I could be in this world, right, until theater. And I was like, oh my God, your imagination is so incredible. You can be anybody that you want. And I take that whole methodology of reinventing from theater. That's how I work with my clients. How do you use that with your kids, man?

Like, I tell— you're right, I tell them they can be any and everything they want to be. Um, my kids did two of the biggest shows that we had here in Chattanooga. They were in Lion King and The Wiz, and it was an all-Black— well, The Wiz was, um, an all-Black cast. And, um, when we— we literally had to do like an encore show, right? So then when we did The Lion King My daughter got to play, um, my baby girl got to play baby Nala. Yeah, my oldest daughter, she got to play Simba's mom. And you know, my boys were in the cast. Well, at school, the school they were in, they also wanted to do like a junior Lion King. Well, my daughter got to play Simba— not Simba, she had to play Scar.

Okay.

And to me That was the most awesome role ever because it showed her there is no gender, no race, no restrictions on who you can be in this world. You know what I'm saying? Like, for them to embrace you as a person and not as a figment of what they want you to be. You know what I'm saying? Like, don't put yourself in one category. Allow yourself to be open. Allow yourself to be in— um, sorry, allow yourself to be poured into. And that's what I tell them even at home, like, don't, don't close yourself off to possibilities because you feel like you may not be— and I take this for myself too, like, don't close yourself off from possibilities because you feel like you are not worthy of this opportunity. Because the person that you're comparing yourself to, they had to start in the same place you have— you're starting. Right? Like, everybody has common ground. We all have to start from somewhere. So we can't manipulate our mind to thinking I'm not worthy of something, or I'm not— I shouldn't be available for this, or I shouldn't be open to this, because it doesn't matter. And just like in theater, you can be anything, whatever. You can be everything you want, right? There, you don't have to be a lawyer. You can be a doctor, a fireman, a police officer, you know, whatever, a lion. A lioness, you know, anything you want. Africa, I mean, you know, African, Chinese, Japanese, and they love it. And I love that they love that, you know. Even in our fashion shows, we create everything that they wear. In all of our fashion shows, we created from scratch. And I love the fact that their minds— not even my oldest son, he's an artist, he likes to draw, and he loves, um, doing like robotics. And, you know, he wants to be an engineer. So they're, they're very into anything that create anything they can put their hands on. And I have to, I have to remind them that all the time. Your mind is the same way. Your body is the same way. Anything that you want your body to do or perform, anything that you want your mind to do or perform or create, it can do it just like your hands, right?

Right. Oh my God, thank you so much for sharing that. So when you went through this whole process, you're— I mean, because kids give you so much leverage, right? That really is your why, because you want them to have a better life than you had. You want them to be better than you ever were, right?

Right.

And so it's kind of like you saw the example of your friend who did this thing that was sort of like a catalyst, right? But I know that there was still moments of feeling that inner rejection, right? And overcoming that. And then every now and then your daughter says something, your son might say something, How do you keep quieting that inner rejection that sometimes that we all face, you know, and especially it's like, because, you know, a lot of African Americans, I mean, I have been guilty myself of going, things might be a little easier if I was white, you know? And then we're going, oh, that inner rejection that we think we're rejected before we even step and put ourselves out there and exceed our own expectations. Right, right. How does Ebony do that?

Oh my goodness. So what I do is I— after I say it or think it, and you know, it's, it's easy to do it because it's like in a split second, it happens so quick. Oh my God, I can't do this, you know, or oh my God, this door is not going to open for me. I have a great example. So I started a new job, right? I got a new job and I saw there was a need there, and I went to my— I went to my office manager And I said, hey, you know, we don't have this certain position in our office. Every medical office I've ever been in has had this position. Allow me to step into that role and help you better and help the office flow better. Right. And my resume, I even, you know, asked people from my last job if they could send me a recommendation. You know, other doctors that I've worked for, they sent me recommendations and I gave it to her and she was like, okay, I'm going to take it to HR and, you know, see what they say. And see if we can open this position for you, right? So she comes back and— well, did she— I don't know, she came back to me or I went to her and asked her about it, and she said, oh, well, they feel like, you know, an RN may be better in this position. Well, the RN didn't look like me, okay? So, right, right. And I'm like— and it's okay. It— well, it's not okay. I'm not gonna excuse anything, but I was okay with it because the moment that I, I made up in my mind I should step into this role, or I should apply for this role, or I should ask for them to create this role for me, the moment I did that, I was like, no, it was, you know, I rejected myself because I already knew that there were going to be other stipulations. But what I did was I said, if you don't do it you know, who else is going to do it? Or if you don't ask for it, somebody else is going to ask for it. Or if you don't put yourself out there, they're never going to know that this is something you want. Or if you put yourself out there and they say no, it's not going to take anything away from who you are, you know. So there's a process that I go through, literally, because if I don't, I definitely will go into that spiral and just keep going all the way down because I know me. I am definitely my biggest critic. You know, we all are. We all—

right, absolutely.

I will come up with everything that's wrong with me, everything that, you know, I can't do, and I don't think as fast, or I don't type as fast, or, you know, I don't talk as fast, or I don't say the right words when they want me to say them. Because, you know, working in a doctor's office can be very intimidating, but I've been doing this for years, you know what I'm saying? So it's like, especially by me being on a new job I just felt like, you know, maybe I shouldn't step out because there are people that were there already, but they hadn't approached it, you know what I'm saying? Like, they, they didn't take advantage of it. So I did, and I was excited. I was proud. I was very proud of myself. I came home, I told my kids, told my husband, because it didn't matter if I actually got the position. What mattered was I wanted to create my own experience. And I took that first step and I tried to do it, and it didn't take anything away from me. Yeah, you know, it didn't. If it did anything, it definitely put me on their radar, right? So that's all it could have done. That's, that's the only harm or hurt. Nothing has hurt or changed, you know, my role, my title. They didn't try to take anything away from me. And I think that's a lot of times we don't try to step out or we don't try to even take that first step because we think about what, what ifs. And the what-ifs will paralyze you.

Oh my God.

Yeah, way more than physical paralyzation, you know, like it's just real fear. Like, I don't— and it's, and it's not even— it's all us. It's all a myth. It's all made up. It's all of it. Yeah, you know, because people had to start somewhere. These same people we're needing stuff from, or we're trying to get something from, they had to start somewhere just like we are. Right. And so we talk ourselves out of it. So I know that I would definitely do that. So it's definitely a process for me. So I, I try to slow my thinking down because I definitely have ADD. I try to make sure I'm thinking it out loud, you know.

Yeah.

And I don't care, hear me talking to myself out loud. But if I don't, that other inner voice will kind of overtop this one, you know what I'm saying? So for me, myself saying, no, Ebony, you can do this, you got this. Like, I need to hear myself say that. I need to hear myself encourage myself.

Yeah. Oh my goodness, that's— yeah, that's powerful. So when you started going to the gym, you and your husband, you know, because you just talking about the shedding of— like, I almost feel like it was like you shed this old skin, you brought on a new skin. And I just remember, like, when I go to the gym, sometimes that's the most transformational transformational place I can go. Like, I can think— I'm usually listening to a little bit of Les Brown, you know, and I'm just thinking, I'm in my mood, I'm in my, my zone. And there's something about what happens when you are transforming yourself from the inside out, right? What were some of that inner monologue when you were shedding, you know, that dead weight, you know? And I'm not talking about your physical weight, I'm talking about you going to the gym and, you know, becoming this powerful woman. Woman who's sitting here.

Um, I definitely— my thing was I wanted to feel and look like that 12, 13, 14, 15-year-old girl did again. Yeah, I had so much inner strength then, and I told myself I owed myself that, because if I don't give it to me, nobody else will. I mean, yeah, my husband will encourage me. They tell me— he tells me all the time, oh, you look good, you're fine, you know, you sexy to me. That's all good and dandy, but that's not who you married, right? Yeah, that's not— that's not what you were attracted to when you married me. That's not who I looked like. That's not who I was mentally or emotionally. So going to the gym, my whole mental process was definitely, you owe this to yourself. I get my nails done. That's the only thing about— I pretty much do for myself, right? Because yeah, obviously, for kids growing up and trying to run a business and do all this other stuff. So to me getting— and I told my husband, like, you need to put that on the bill list because that's going to be a definite every month, you know, every 2 weeks, whatever, right? So that's the only thing I do for me, right? So when I was going to the gym, I mean, if this is the only thing you do for yourself, you got it, right? If this is the only hurdle you have to accomplish this week, you got it. If this is the only way that you can challenge yourself this week, you got it. Because after you start challenging yourself physically is the mental is easy, right? Yeah, sometimes we do, we have to start first mentally, right? But sometimes when you can't even speak out loud, when you can't even— when you're in this dark space and you can't pull yourself out, the one thing we do as women, right, we dress ourselves up. Yeah, well, if I, if I can put on clothes, if I can do my hair, Right, the rest easy, right? It's like a breath, right? So it's the same. Sometimes if you can't get there mentally, if you can't get there spiritually, you can't get there, you know, emotionally, physical would definitely help transition your body, your mental state, you know, your spiritual state. And then vice versa. Sometimes we can't— sometimes we don't feel like getting up, so we got to talk it— we got to talk ourselves through it, right? Sometimes we don't feel like you know, loving another person. We don't feel like putting in the effort to make somebody else see who we are. So we got to talk ourselves through it. We have, we have to start with us first. So my mental shedding was definitely the fact of Ebony, you got it, you have to conquer yourself today. And that's— and I actually put that on my Facebook a couple times, like, you have— I conquered Ebony today. And that is definitely important. Definitely important. We're our biggest hurdle in everything.

It's true, it's true, because we're all— we all keep ourselves trapped from fear, false evidence appearing real, and every bit of that— you said that a few minutes ago— every bit of those thoughts are 100% lies. Every bit of them.

All of them. Wow.

So Ebony, you know, when you are in the space, you're doing these fantastic— I mean, these exceedingly great things. You've got to have somebody in addition to Darryl who goes, look, baby, I'm proud of you. Hey, Ebony, I support you. I, I see your vision and I'm there with you. How were you intentional about forming a support system and a tribe so that when Ebony falters a little bit, she can't pick herself up, you know, in addition to Darryl, what does your tribe and support system look at, look like? And were you intentional in forming that?

I was definitely intentional on forming that. Um, I have a few close friends that I didn't even tell, you know, that, hey, I'm going to start a business. I didn't tell them I was going to start a coaching business. I didn't tell them about the journey, how I got to doing those things, right? Now, I do have a certain amount of friends. I have like 2, maybe 3, that I included in this, and they do— they have my back 100% because I needed somebody. I'm very down on myself, right? And so I needed— I definitely needed somebody outside of Darryl and my mom to encourage me, to say, OK, no, we can do this. Actually, one of my friends, she calls me fireworks because I get so many ideas and they just start going. And she's like, Ebony, bring it back in. We got to focus on this.

We got to just—

Right. She's like, no, you got too much going on, right? She's like, no, let's do one thing at a time. And then we'll get to that. And then we'll get to that. You know? And then sometimes— Sometimes I go to that other friend, they're like, hey, let's do it. We can do all of it. What do you want to do first? You know? And then we'll just start— we'll just start knocking stuff out. So yes, I definitely have people in place in my life who I only go to. And I was definitely intentional about that because I don't— even like I said, I have a lot of friends that love me. But you know, I may have like 10 friends in all, right? So I have like 3 that's in that inner tight circle. Because I don't want to hear, girl, you ain't got— don't do all that, you got 4 kids, you need to focus on raising those kids and keeping your husband happy. I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to hear, you got 4 kids and a job and a husband, you need to focus on it. Like, no, I needed somebody who's gonna say, you can do that, yeah, and I got you. I can pick those kids up for you, I can take them to a doctor's appointment for you, you know, I, I can do whatever you need me to do. I can, I can go out and buy you a new computer or a new sound system. Or new whatever. Like, I needed that kind of support. Yeah, I needed somebody who's gonna stay with me at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning and say, okay, Ebony, let me reread whatever you just wrote out, or whatever you typed out, or let me help you with this website, or, you know what I'm saying? Like, I needed certain people in different areas too, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, so I have those 3 friends that boost me, and, and I can go to for 3 different things, you know? And iron sharpens iron, we all know that. You always have to have somebody who who you're, you're aspiring to, right? We always have to have somebody that we're looking up to who has goals and standards that you're like, oh my God, I need to be, you know, let me put that on my, on my checklist. Like, let me make sure I put my goal box, like, you know what I'm saying? So yeah, I definitely surround my people who are very intentional for me and help me stay intentional.

Wow, love that. So when you look at us, you look at our people, right? You go and volunteer you do speaking. What's the thing that if you had a microphone and you had the ear of every African American, every minority, every female who you feel like isn't living up to their full potential, their self-actualization, what would you say to them right now if you had every one of their ears?

Fire everybody around you who is not honest with Let go of all of those relationships. Even if it's your mom, if it's your best friend, if it's your pastor— anybody who is not 100% honest with you doesn't love you. Those people, they keep us where we are, you know. It's either for their comfort or they think they're doing what's best for us. Either way, it's definitely not going to help you grow, right? We need somebody who's definitely going to push you to the edge and then say, I got a parachute, let's dive out together. Because yeah, yeah, like, we— my, my whole thing with the confidence building and for the girls and the women, um, I need it, like, I need every woman to grab somebody's hand next to them and just be like, I love you, I'm here for you, whatever you need, I am in your garden, right? I will help you plant, I will help you grow, I will help you pick, I will help you clean, whatever you need me to do, right? Because in a garden we have so many different things growing. We have cabbages, we have, we have roses, we have, you know, greens, we have whatever, potatoes, fruit, everything. Like, so whatever you need me to do, if you need me to till the ground and break it up for you— because we do, we need somebody who's going to go over there and get their hands dirty. And you have to be that person for the person next to you. Yeah, we're going to continue the same cycles. Our girls are going to continue to come home and not like the way they look. Or our— the light is going to continue to go out of their eyes. Even for our guys, like, I have two boys. I don't need them to come home thinking something is wrong with them because they left my, my circle, because they left out of my box, right? Like, I need you to teach your kids the same thing that I'm teaching mine. I need everybody to feel the same way and boost each other the same way, because at the end of the day You know, we, we don't know when our last day is. We've seen it, we've seen it already. Yeah, we've lived it, we're still living through it. We don't know what's going to happen, you know. We don't know when we're going to be able to take our next breath. We don't know if we're going to go into another pandemic, right? So if the person that's sitting beside you isn't 100% real with you, like my friend, you know, hey Ebony, we can't do all that right now, you know, we can't put on 3 shows this month, you know, like you don't have 8 and throw into just a fashion show. No, I need somebody to say, hey, you misspelled something on Facebook, can you go on there and correct that? Hey Ebony, I think, you know, that's not really a good color on you today, let's change that. Like, I need— that's what we need. Yeah, I know that business adventure, I don't think that's, you know, secure, let's not try that, or let's go, let's go about it a different way. Or hey Ebony, Let's work on your, your credit score. I see that you're spending a lot. I see that you're eating out a lot, you know. I see that you're buying your kids fast food a lot. Like, those are people we need. We need somebody who's definitely going to say, hey, let me check you, because we don't check ourselves. We get comfortable, we get complacent, you know, and we get relaxed. No, that's what I would say to whoever's listening. Definitely, definitely be intentional.

Oh my God. Yeah. Dropping it. So, you know, Evan, I didn't know who— I didn't know what a life coach was until probably 15 years ago. That is not something that is prominent in my culture, probably in our culture. I mean, I have family members, I have best friends who are like, what'd you do again? People pay— people pay you for that?

Right.

What I need that for, you know?

Yes, definitely.

What, $600 for a relationship? And I was like, that's cheap, right? You know, it is your argument. What is your stance about the needs for our people to realize the importance of having that mentor, having that life coach, you know? What do you stand on? What's that foundation for Ebony?

Let me tell you, my whole life journey, at some point we all need a counselor, right? Yeah. So after that counselor is done with you, after that psychiatrist is done with you, you need somebody that's saying, OK, now that you've dealt with those issues, you've dealt with those problems, you know where the root is, you need somebody to say, hey, I got you. Let's go. Let's roll. Let's get up. Let's go do this. Let's go do that. You need that pusher. Um, my main thing was after I realized— because I have a life coach— so after I realized, you know, okay, there's something wrong with me, it's spilling over, people— my kids are noticing, people are noticing— I was ready to get started, but I needed somebody in my corner saying, hey, go, go, go, go, you sleep, okay, you got 2 hours, get up, let's go, let's go. Yeah, you know, but you have to be ready. Like, they can't pump and prime you, you have to already have that in your mind. And I think our people don't realize the importance of having somebody who has nothing connected with you, no strings attached, no motive behind what they're doing. You need somebody to say, hey, I trust you, I believe in you, I know you can do it, and let's go get it. And it's worth it, it's definitely worth it. Because sometimes we even— even me, like Even after my journey, even after everything I know, even after all of my research and everything, even I still get in this complacent mindset where I'm like, okay, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's next. I don't know what to do next. I don't know what to tackle next. I don't know, you know, if I got it to keep going. I call my life coach. Hey, this is what I'm dealing with. Can you help me with this next step? What are some strategies that you think I should be putting in place? You know, Even though I'm a life coach, I'm a confidence coach, right? I'm not a life coach. You know, like, that's two different things. I need somebody to help me keep my life on track, right? Because I have a lot of different moving particles, you know. So, um, I definitely think just like psychology is important, our health is important, a life coach is definitely important.

So important.

Wow. It is.

So yeah, because, you know, I have my own coach as well. I actually, I got a business coach, I've got a life coach. And so yeah, you gotta have, because it's so different that, you know, I can see their blind spots. I can't see my own.

That's true. You know, I can't.

And so like the things that I go, I work through with them, I go, that's so easy. Why aren't you doing that? And then I go, oh, well, why am I not doing that? You know? Exactly.

Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

Ebony, who's your target audience and how do people come to work with Ebony? What is it that they're coming to you with? Like, not just because most of them don't come and say, I just need my confidence. What are the things, what are the words that they're using? And you're like, I got you.

Um, my clients normally come to me and say, I know what I need to do. I know how to do it. I just don't know if I can do it, right?

Yeah.

Um, they know that they're capable, but they don't know if they have everything that they're looking at this other person, right? They don't know if all the zeal in life that's in this person that they have in them. So when you come to me, that's my target.

Yeah.

What is it that you— what, what, what is it that you're keeping that you don't want to let go of, right? Because we've all been through it. We all know, even though we've released everything, or we feel like we've released everything, there's that closet, right? There is— there's that closed door, there's that kitchen door, or that back swing. There's something that happened back there that we're saying let me, you know, I don't— I'm not really ready to release, to relinquish it.

Yeah.

And so that's what I try to pull out. Okay. Right.

We're all holding on to that solution that we created because it worked for us when we were 7, and then in another way it worked when we were 12, and then we kept repeating that, repeating that, and go, oh, you know, just like the kid who throws it, you know, when you see them at 6 and they're throwing a tantrum in the store because they can't get a toy that they want.

Oh my Oh my God, yes, right?

And I go, oh my God, that person's gonna be Donald Trump throwing a tantrum, you know?

Definitely. And you're right, we see that so much in adults. That's exactly how they get it done. They throw tantrums and you're like, you're grown. Yeah, you know, like, figure it out. There's different ways to get what you want, right?

Yeah.

Oh my God, you're so— that's so true. That's hilarious. That is so true.

Yeah. So every— you know, just one final thing, you know, how can people connect with you?

Like, they have issues, they're like, I know what I need to do, but I don't know how to do it.

I need to get out of my own way. How can they find Ebony?

Um, I, I have a website, and it is going live tonight, actually, and it's, um, Right, I'm excited about that. So it's, uh, it's Purposeful Thinking 360.

Oh, okay, Purposeful Thinking 360. I love that because that's what it's all about, you know. If we can control our thoughts, then we can control the words that come out of our mouths, then we can control and actually make meaningful actions in this world.

That's right. Yep.

Yes, Ebony, this has been a blast. I love the conversation that we just had, and I know that people are going to find a lot of value out of it. So thank you so much for, for being here with us and sharing so much of your knowledge.

Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. This was such an honor and a pleasure for me to even be on your show, so thank you so much for having me as well.

Perfect. If you like what you're hearing And perhaps you're interested in having a complimentary conversation with me. Click the link at the bottom of the show notes. Thank you so much for listening. If you even want to know more about what I'm up to, head over to traviestewart.com. And if you like seeing the videos of the podcast, every episode is on my YouTube channel. Take care, guys.