Ep 74: Creating MORE intimacy in your relationship with Alexandra Stockwell

You are listening to episode number 74 with Alexandra Stockwell.

If you're someone who wants to make major changes in their life, someone who wants to achieve their goals, or maybe you're someone who knows this is not as good as it gets but you have no idea where to start, on the Reinvent You Podcast, we explore different types of people, their successes and failures, and how they reinvented themselves to create the life they love. It's our hope that from hearing their stories, that you too may have more insight into what it takes to build a life that you envision for yourself. Here to help you do that is performance and life coach Travia Steward.

My guest on the Reinvent You podcast today is Alexandra Stockwell, MD. It's also known as the Intimacy Doctor. She's an intimate marriage expert who specializes in showing couples how to build beautiful long-lasting, passionate relationships. She's the best-selling author of Uncompromising Intimacy, and she also is the host of the highly acclaimed The Marriage Podcast. And for over 20 years, Alexandra has shown men and women how to bring pleasure and purpose into all aspects of life, from the daily grind of running a household to clear and intimate communication to ecstatic experiences in the bedroom. A wife of 25 years and a mother of Alexandra believes the key to passion and fulfillment, intimacy and success— well, it isn't compromise. It's being unwilling to compromise. Because when both people feel free to be themselves and know how to love and be loved for exactly who they are, the relationship is juicy and nourishing and deeply satisfying. Alexandra has been featured in the Huffington Post, Rolling Stone, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, Business Insider, Thrive Global, Fox News New York City, and many other publications. You guys, I know I said every episode, but you really don't want to miss a moment of this podcast. All right, my Reinvent You peeps, joining me today to talk about one of my absolute favorite topics on the face of this earth is love and connection, which is my top value, my top human need, relationships and intimacy, and all those things that I think we were put on this earth to do. So joining me is my expert guest, Miss Alexandra Stockwell. Alexandra, thank you so much for joining me today, and welcome to the Reinvent You Podcast.

Thank you so much, Travia. I just love the topic of your show, and I'm really excited to get into it with you.

Perfect, perfect. So this is, I mean, the perfect time to jump right into the reinvention, right? Because I read that you stopped practicing medicine to become a luxury love and intimacy mentor, right?

How was the motivation?

Yeah, what is that? Tell us about that journey of reinventing yourself from an MD to a love mentor.

Okay, well, let me just say right off the bat, and I'm guessing this is common, but anyway, it's definitely true for me, that I knew what wasn't working for me. Before I knew what I was gonna become. So I was in my mid-30s. I was married to my husband. I mean, I still am. We've been married for 25 years. We were married, we had 3 of our 4 children. I had my own small practice north of Boston. I'd paid off my very sizable medical school loans, and I was an ambitious woman who had achieved all of the things I intended to achieve. And I thought I would feel gratified and excited to live another 3, 4 decades in just this way. Sure, my kids would get older, but basically all of my ambitions were achieved other than to keep going further in the directions I'd already accomplished. But I did not have that feeling. Yeah, you know, like the feeling of I'm in the right place and this is where I belong. I'm not talking emotionally or even psychologically. In a way, it was, um, it was like in a new, a new place inside my soul.

Yeah, that's self-actualization, right?

Exactly. And I think if I had been 65, I would have just stuck with it. But I was in my mid-30s with a lot of living to do.

Oh, wow. Okay.

And I did not want to continue, even though there was nothing wrong. Burnout is a very common phenomenon among physicians, and I was not burnt out. I was laughing, I was happy, but it's like I could see the handwriting on the wall, and I listened at the level of a whisper. But the thing I want to say is that I had a lot of shame, and it's not that I knew I wanted to leave, I just knew something had to shift, and I actually tried different things. And realized that it wasn't about time management, it wasn't about this, it wasn't about that, and I kind of needed to just step back. So what I did is I went on sabbatical. I created a sabbatical for myself. And going on sabbatical, for the first time in my life, I gave myself permission to do whatever I felt like doing.

Absolutely.

And I did it because I felt like it, and it wasn't a means to an end. Because even if I was having fun in the past, it felt a bit like a means to an end. And it was— for someone who has achieved a lot, it was confronting for me to do things for no reason, just following my nose. And I took a painting class, I sat by the river. I still had a household and 3 kids, so it wasn't like I had tons of free time, right? But I related to my desires in my inner world in a very new and actually much more honoring way. And this led from one thing to the next, and I eventually really didn't go back to practicing medicine, and it was for my own purposes because I wanted more juicy passion, sensual aliveness in my own life, in my own marriage, that I took a fantastic, very thorough training, which also was a training for coaches. But that's not why I took it. At the time, I didn't even know what a coach was. But I like learning, so I thought, well, let me check out the Teaching Lab. And then I knew I had come home, that that is how I wanted to serve.

Wow. So did you discover through maybe the Teaching Lab and discovering your passions and your gifts that you may have like kind of just forgotten, put them on the back burner, that kind of thing? Did you discover that through this class and then you're like, oh my God, I'm waking up a part of me that has kind of been asleep? Tell me a little bit about that revelation.

You know, I really relate to how you describe it, but it's not quite how it was for me. It's more that I was alive, devoted to my own growth and evolution, and really motivated to serve others and facilitate healing and transformation. And that the container for doing that, the container of practicing medicine wasn't actually the best fit, although my intentions were still very much present. And in coaching, I felt like it was actually the better context for the truth in my heart that I had tried to achieve through practicing medicine. And let me just say, I liked practicing medicine, right? And I have no regrets. Like, I am so glad that I have that training and that expertise. But then I wanted to go deeper and into more nuanced realms and more personal realms, I'll say, where there isn't a lot of evidence-based medicine to guide practice. And yet these are the things that are so important in determining the quality of people's lives before— like, you could say that as a relationship and intimacy coach, I'm doing flat-out preventative medicine, right?

Yeah, that makes sense. Absolutely. Wow. So how do you— you know, you're an MD, you know, how long have you been married?

25 years.

25. Wow. Is that the silver— the silver anniversary?

You know, um, well, that just shows you I have a lot of expertise but not in my Anne Landers or Martha Stewart.

There you go.

Yeah, we had a really beautiful celebration, just the two of us, during the pandemic, but I don't actually know.

Okay, okay, because I was thinking for some reason 25, I think, is the silver, and maybe 50 is like the gold anniversary.

Yeah, I think that, but I don't have certainty.

So yeah, yeah, neither do I. That's why I was asking you. So, so I'm assuming that people who actually click and listen to this full episode— and this is assuming a lot— are people who are like, ooh, how can I find, you know, a hotter fire in my relationship? How can I— maybe we're on the rocks, maybe on the verge of divorce. And so where do you begin your work with your clients who come to you? Are they already in trouble? You said it's a preventive, you know, is it preventive? Like, have they been diagnosed as pre-diabetic and now you are helping them not to become diabetic?

You know, that's such a fun way to ask the question. So my clients in large part are self-selecting, and what they have in common is being motivated to put time and attention into experiencing a much better relationship. So sometimes it takes people fighting more, really experiencing disconnection and disruption to motivate them. But let me say, there is so much when things are basically okay.

Yeah.

And people want to expand beyond what they've known, what they've known in their families, what they've seen in celebrities. Like, we really don't have a lot of role models of long-lasting, really fabulous, passionate, dynamic relationships. And so clients definitely seek me out because I have a roadmap for that, and they don't even really necessarily know what that destination looks like. And so That's part of the fun. But in terms of where I start with them, typically people are so trapped in their own perspective that one of the most important things is that through our conversation they see all these new vistas that are genuinely available to tie it really into the context of this podcast, reinvention is always available within relationship. But I think it's an area that, because it's you and another person, it can feel hopeless and stuck. So one of the things for people who are in more desperate circumstances, or more challenging circumstances is a more honest word, um, one of the main things they come away with from our very first conversation is hope.

Okay. Nice. So do you think people— so I'm trying to, I'm trying to get a sense of, of, of making sense and how that fits in, into like my life, you know? So is it that you are looking at this version of the Hollywood couple that we don't have many examples of, or do you just know as a couple who's coming to you that it's like, You know, I've read Danielle Steele for 27 years and I just don't feel that burning desire anymore.

So, okay, I definitely need, I definitely need option C. If A is being like the celebrities and B is wanting more Danielle Steele, yeah, we need C. So let me say what the third option is.

Okay, okay.

The clients that I work with, they typically look like they have good strong relationships from the outside, and they do have good strong relationships. You know, they live together, they're both working, they're caring for children when children are involved. Like, there is a steadiness and a companionship that is present and This is, this is not typically something that they're complaining to other people about. Okay, that's not my people. My people, things look good on the outside, but inside one or both of them have a yearning because they know more is possible and aren't really sure what that looks like or how to get there. So it's like a kind of a Nawing yearning is what I would say. I mean, it can have more specificity if communication is dropping off or sex is less frequent or, and/or less fulfilling. Like, that's where it gets specific. But honestly, typically it's a, it's a more subtle desire than Danielle Steele or celebrities.

Right.

And but when they hear me speak about being married for 25 years, and I do have an extraordinary relationship in the bedroom with my husband, even though we have been together for 25 years. And one of the things that's so interesting to me is there's a trend, you know, more luxury, luxury cars and luxury handbags and luxury shoes, but when it comes to our relationship, what is luxury there?

Hmm.

And for me, it is feeling fully seen, feeling supported, doing the work I need to do to accept myself and accept my husband exactly how he is, while also seeing the potential and possibilities for him.

Absolutely. So 25 years, that again, that's incredible. And I, and I'm, I'm longing for that longevity myself, but I'm only on 7 years married, so, but I'm well on my way. So Alexandra, how, what is the secret? You know, you said you have a, you know, 25-year marriage, it's a great sex life, there's intimacy. What would you say is the secret to that? I mean, because generally people have been married for 25 years, they have become roommates and best friends. What's your secret?

Okay, there are two secrets.

Oh, I like more than one.

So one secret is the foundation of the relationship. So if people come together to pool finances or they come together because that's what their parents expect, or they come together to have children. None of those things create long-lasting passion. And the evolution of marriage as an institution— it was something political, it had to do with transfer of property— like, we have a lineage of marriage based on reasons that really do not create fantastic relationships with ongoing dynamic goodness. So the first thing, whether you are new in a relationship or you've been together a long time, is to really consider if what you want to be sharing with one another is a devotion to your own and one another's personal growth and evolution. Because if you want to be two people who grow and evolve together, then, then everything is possible. So that is definitely one secret.

Okay.

And the other secret is curiosity. Because if you think of what it's like when you're falling in love, oh, you just are so curious. What is your person's favorite vegetable? Where does that scar come from? What do they dream of? Like, we just, we want to consume all of it. And then comes the wonderful feeling of companionship, and I know how to finish his sentences, he knows how to finish mine, we know what one another is going to order in a restaurant. And typically people withdraw the curiosity. Oh, and yeah, there's some comfort in that, but it is not helpful for passion.

Oh yeah, that makes sense. I've never heard it put like that. It's like, I've heard it stated as, oh, you know, we quit dating one another, but you withdrew the curiosity, you stopped being curious. I love that.

And that goes part and parcel with the first thing of being devoted to ongoing growth and evolution. Because when you are growing— well, all of us are growing, but when we are actively growing by choice, there is always something interesting to be curious about.

Absolutely. Wow. So, huh. So you and your husband have a great foundation, and you are curious about one another.

Yes, I, I mean, this is something that people can understand when it comes to children as well, because when children are learning to walk and talk, like, we are so interested. And my 4 children— my oldest will be 25 next month, my youngest is 9— and I have to say, while it's definitely more nuanced, I have yet to find a phase where I am not fascinated by their growth and evolution. And I hear new things in my 22-year-old son's voice as he's graduated from college and getting a job. And it's also interesting. So I think there's a lot of being interesting and being interested, which contributes to the passion.

Yeah. Now, is that because you're a coach? Is that because you work on being curious, being intrigued, and being interested in people? Because most people just aren't?

I definitely don't think it's because I'm a coach, although I have to say being a coach is helpful. Yeah. What I really think, um, is the cause of this problem, this epidemic, is the absolute most common relationship advice that is given throughout the Western world and probably the whole world is that if you want a great relationship, you need to learn to compromise. The key to a great marriage is being good at compromising.

Yeah, we've all heard that. Absolutely.

It's not true, because if you want companionship, comfort, conflict-free, bland, neutral relating Well, compromise will definitely deliver that to you. But if you want passion, dynamic, vulnerable, erotic communion, and the, the amazement of, oh my gosh, can you believe, like, what did you say? And let's experience that. And whatever this looks like, maybe it looks like hiking and extreme sports. Maybe it looks like adventures in the bedroom, like whatever this looks like for you, right? And those are dramatic examples. We can use much more mild ones, like about who's doing the dishes as well. But all of that comes, that comes with what I call uncompromising intimacy. And okay, I want to be very clear, uncompromising, that doesn't mean you're a bully or you get your way all the time. But whereas compromise means that you hold back who you are in order to make your partner comfortable, being uncompromising means you bring all of yourself to the relationship. There's no part that you're checking at the door. And when you share the truth of who you are what you want, what you feel, and you invite your partner to do that, then both of you have all of the information and can collaborate on how you're going to proceed. And so I really want to emphasize that it doesn't mean you get your own way. Uncompromising means you reveal yourself fully.

Okay, so where my brain has gone, and I hope this is totally fine.

Bring it on.

When I hear you say these things, all I'm thinking about is, oh my goodness, every time, like, if somebody's been married for 25 years, whether you're curious or not, you know, I have these people in my life who are like swingers, you know. You know, are you a, a love intimacy mentor who, who It's like somebody comes to you and goes, we need to spark up our, our sex in the bedroom, right? Like, do you like, okay, we tried everything, but what is your advice and what is your, your perspective on like polyamory, like swinging, all those things, which I find so fascinating.

Okay. So I want to move through this part of the conversation slowly because it is ripe for misunderstandings.

Yes, okay.

So I'm just going to pace it differently, not because I have any issue with it. So I have a lot of experience working with couples who swing and polyamory, and one of them is polyamorous and the other one isn't or wants to be. Like, that's all very complicated. And one of the main things that people who are really devoted to polyamory often say— I'm generalizing— but one of the things they often say is that the thing about being polyamorous and having multiple partners, or ethical non-monogamy, which isn't exactly the same thing as polyamory, but anyway, that it means more consciousness on their relationships, that there's no going to sleep at the wheel when you're participating in ethical non-monogamy because there's so many other variables to attend to within oneself and in relationship with other people. And I think that the heightened attention which is found when ethical non-monogamy is practiced well— it isn't always, but when it's practiced well— that, that heightened attention is really essential for the kind of passion that I'm talking about, but the container of ethical non-monogamy is not. It's not specifically a hindrance, but it's not required. So let me answer in a non-linear way.

Okay.

So I had a client who had been married for 5 years, got— liked her partner very much, but became bored with the intimacy, which had trickled off. Mm-hmm. Gotten divorced and now was with a new partner, the love of her life. They had been together for 5 years when I coached them. And this woman was so concerned that the sex was gonna become bland. Mm-hmm. And boring, and that she would be faced with a terrible sit— like a terrible decision. Was she going to stay with this love of her life, or was she going to sacrifice her sexual gratification? Because she was sure you can't have both. She said, 'Cause I like novelty.' Okay. And my response is, novelty is amazing, and the main thing is that it looks different 10, 20, 30 years into marriage than at the very beginning. At the very beginning of a relationship, novelty— like, I don't need to define that, you know, it's new places, new positions, that there's variety and new experiences to be had. So 25 years into a marriage, there's not a lot of new territory of my husband's body or mine. I mean, it changes with age, but basically there isn't a lot of novelty in the traditional sense available. But what novelty looks like is we are so attuned to one another, at one another's bodies and our own bodies. We— it's like I'm basically about to describe mindfulness in the bedroom, where we are each so embodied and have cultivated the capacity to be so that novelty is a micro adjustment during sex that suddenly opens up a whole new landscape of sensation and a whole new erotic experience. That's what novelty looks like. So if it's being filmed by a porn videographer, it would look like nothing has happened necessarily, because it's a— it's really a shift in attention. It's a micro adjustment. It's nothing dramatic. But then we are having an experience that we have never had before. So it comes with more embodiment, more attention, and more honesty.

Okay.

Which is very different than swinging. Yes.

Yes, it is.

Swinging creates novelty in the traditional sense that is available at the beginning of a relationship.

Right. So how do you, or what would be your advice for someone who wants to create mindfulness in the bedroom, like during those intimate moments? How can they put that into practice?

It's such a good question. And for anyone who's listening to the podcast and not seeing us, I just want to convey how fun it is to see these topics as they move across your face as you're considering what I'm saying with so much depth and respect and kind of creating a jigsaw puzzle in your mind of how this all fits together. I feel really honored to be heard and responded to by you, really. So I wanted to share that with anyone who's only listening.

Thank you so much.

So for somebody who wants to develop what we're calling mindfulness in the bedroom, the very first place to start is to pay attention to how you feel. It's not something that involves your partner at all. So we are in the habit of having so many rote experiences which function in a numbing way. So to have, like, to move towards the kind of sex that I'm describing, the way it starts is if you have a skincare routine and you get up in the morning, that instead of washing your face as though it's a kitchen counter you're rubbing— I don't mean because you're rubbing it vigorously, but like you're just washing your face while you're thinking about something else, to instead put your hand on your face and caress it and feel what your hand is feeling and feel your face. And go ahead, what were you thinking?

No, I'm just— I'm doing that right now as you say it. I was like, oh my God, I think that would make such a difference because I do that. I just wash my my face. But keep going, you keep going. Oh my goodness.

Yeah, but like, this needs to be functional, right? I'm, I'm— I get a lot done in my day, and so I'm not talking about like moving through the day as though I'm stoned and doing everything in slow motion. That's not what I'm talking about, right? But when you Give yourself the time to cultivate this kind of practice. It does not actually take any longer to wash your face, but afterwards you feel very different than if you've treated your body as just a thing to clean, as opposed to having it be an alive sensual experience. Same thing with like eating or Pouring your morning coffee. I had a client who really didn't have access to pleasure in the bedroom. She had 3 children, she'd had sex, but she really— it wasn't— she was disconnected from the experience of pleasure. And with her, the place to start was to pick her favorite mug, and because she loves coffee, and to pay attention to the coffee coming out of the coffee pot, enjoy the flow and let the aroma fill her and really take the time to enjoy it. So I think I'm giving you a sense of really savoring the sense experience that you are having. So this isn't really something that you can do that well, let's say, while you're driving, but there are enough moments in everyone's day where this is the case. So This is foundational. And now should we turn it up a notch?

Let's do it. Let's do it.

Absolutely.

Red hot.

Awesome. So in my worldview, in long-term relationship, anything which isn't sex functions as foreplay. And what I mean by that is that everything brings you a little closer together or a little bit further apart. And they can be micro adjustments, but it's either creating connection or eroding connection. So, right, if I go to my husband, he's a physician and he leaves the house to go to work most mornings, he could just leave and I don't say anything. That's certainly what has happened for us and is a common occurrence in many households. Or I could say, bye-bye, you know, we're like acknowledging it.

Absolutely.

We can do a peck on the cheek heading out the door. Or even though he's got all his stuff together and is focused on getting to work, We can each take the 4 seconds, 2 seconds, and have a kiss which feels like a kiss. I'm not talking about a big old makeout before he leaves for work. That's always possible, but— excuse me— I'm talking about bringing my full attention to the moment and his bringing his full attention to the moment and having it feel connected, juicy, creates a little sparkle. And we're both looking forward to seeing one another that evening. Yeah, in a way that doesn't happen when it's just a thing on the to-do list, like anything else which is mundane. So that's the turning it up the next notch, is having each interaction that we have be very intentional. Not 24/7, but a whole lot more than most people generally have.

Wow, that makes so much sense. Yeah, there's a difference in like the peck on the cheek or just being intentional because that's your partner. I love that. Wow. What do you think— and as we, as we continue to uncover and unpeel, what do you think is the biggest reason why some people get to a part of the point of, you know, maybe, you know, without— because I know curiosity kind of, kind of helps with that as well, but what do you think is the, the main reason why relationships just fail, you know, altogether, like they, they're ready for divorce. What do you think that reason is?

Okay, well, this is what I think, what I see. I'm— I have great conviction in my answer, and that is that we all emerge from childhood with various gifts and opportunities and wounding. And we pick our partner for whatever wonderful qualities they have, and because they invariably— often in ways we don't see at first— they invariably are the perfect activator for our childhood wounds to come up again. So when the childhood wounding happens or is reactivated, then if we don't work through that, it becomes unbearable. If we do work through that, our partner is the most exquisite catalyst for our wholeness. And I want to give a very specific story about how this works. So I had a— there's a couple that I worked with. They had a wonderful relationship by all measures, except that on Saturday mornings they always fought. And the fight was he was kind of a My examples are very heteronormative that happened to come up today, but these are the people coming into my mind. This all applies across all relationship flavors. And so anyway, there he was, a kind of a peaceful guy, and he worked hard, and Saturday mornings he liked to put his feet up and just read for a while. And she would hear that, would experience that, and just start talking to him. And start interrupting and not letting him just sit and read with his feet up and eventually nagging. And he would say, "Can you please just give me some quiet?" And she would get more and more intense. And they otherwise had a good relationship, although of course this was starting to bleed into other days as well. But it really started on Saturday mornings. While speaking with them, Come to find out, her father was an alcoholic who went quiet before he became violent.

Hmm.

She hadn't made this connection, but of course her wounding, her conditioning from childhood was such that when her dear, loving, non-alcoholic husband went quiet there was a part of her body that was conditioned to want to prevent that because it anticipated violence was coming next, although violence never came with her husband.

Right.

And as soon as this was brought out, her husband said, "I don't ever need to read. Like, I'm happy to just keep talking and keep busy, no problem." But as soon as she saw that, she said, "Actually, it's fine if you read." Because just having the awareness shifted the locus of attention and she saw the work she needed to do. And this is the kind of situation where if they hadn't sought out coaching or counseling or any kind of support, give it 2 years and they would have been divorced.

Yeah.

But because they took the steps to get the support, the childhood wounding that got activated really could then become healed. And they could— I mean, he had his version, but we're focused on hers right now— that she could really grow, heal, and live in more wholeness.

So, yeah.

I see relationships as absolutely the ultimate vehicle for personal growth. And there are times when two people, they get what they came to get from one another and then they separate. But I think the divorce rates of 50% of first marriages, 60% of second marriages, 73% of third marriages, Those statistics are changing with millennials waiting to get married and being more intentional. So those statistics are actually a little bit outdated, but they apply to people 40 and over. Those numbers, 50% of couple, uh, first marriages ending in divorce, those have much more to do with the fact that childhood conditioning gets triggered and people don't use the opportunity, which can feel not at all like an opportunity. It can feel devastating and hopeless. Yeah, but it really is an opportunity for healing and empowerment.

I love that. Wow. Yeah, that makes so much sense as well. How do you know when a couple comes to you if they are just at a point of no return? That relationship is not salvageable, we're not moving forward, you two should really just go your separate ways.

My developed superpower is to perceive the point of connection, to perceive the essence of intimacy between two people, and very often they don't perceive it. They each have their own perspectives, but I can see what they have come together to learn from one another, if you will, and usually it's a perfect pairing. So if we go to the example of the couple on Saturday mornings where, um, this wasn't the case, but I'm going to make it up as though it was, that he had never— his, his voice had never been heard in childhood, let's just say. And so this whole thing that happened with her allowed him to honor his own needs more deeply. Let's just say something like that, where their wounding and the context in each of them was very dissimilar. And yet they were perfectly paired. And I find that any couple that I'm talking to, there's something of that sort which they haven't seen, but once they see, they can then work it through. So I don't mean to avoid your question, but having begun in this way, very often when people want to stay together, they just have no idea how. I can absolutely help them with that.

Yeah.

When people don't want to be together, or one of them doesn't, what I always say is use the interactions with one another to grow and heal as much as you possibly can, or you're just going to end up in another relationship after you end this one where everything can look completely different. It can be in a different country, like It can be completely different, but you're still who you are and you still have the stuck energy and the wounding and the limiting beliefs that need transformation. So why not use this container, this relationship, to go as far as you can, right?

So you don't just, just go into another relationship and repeat that.

Exactly. So I'm not in a— like, with the people who seek me out, I'm not saying to them there's no hope. I might be thinking divorce is likely, but I'm going to give them everything I can to use the relationship for individual healing to the absolute extent possible, and then they can divorce as they choose.

Got it, got it. So, Alexandra, do you incorporate The Five Love Languages. I love that. How do you use that? Are you an advocate for that?

Yes and no. I don't have simple answers.

So yes and no.

Okay, yes and no. So I do love The Five Love Languages, and I think it's very important to be aware of the principle and what your love language is and what your partner's love language is. For sure. And especially if there's conflict, the Five Love Languages are such a beautiful way to shift perspective and reconnect. However, in talking about the kind of long-lasting passionate relationship that I was describing earlier, yeah, I think the Five Love Languages are just the beginning because Where I am now, I aspire to truly feel loved no matter which love language my husband is speaking.

Mm-hmm.

And to be able to express my love to him in a way that is gratifying and comprehensive and feels really good to me in any of the love languages. So I think they are so helpful for getting back on track And then I'm all about full spectrum living, broadening all the different ways that we can really receive and feel love.

Yeah.

And express and give it. So there's my yes and no. What do you think of that?

You know, I, I get it. I understand what you're saying because my partner really likes acts of service. Well, and I go What? I want to touch. I want, you know, words of affirmation. I want— I just want affection. So that's the way I want to receive it. But that's also how I want to show it. But that's not how she receives it, kind of. Sometimes she just— OK, this is a lie, Alexandra. But sometimes she goes, oh, you're just like a man. That's all you think about. So, you know, when I think about the loveling, I was like, okay, then turn that off and then just go and, and, you know, do the act of service kind of thing, right?

Right. So what would be so incredible, because you're obviously a very intentional, dynamic woman, and I presume you're with a partner that one could say the same thing about. Yes. What would be So amazing. Instead of a physical touch for— this is actually the edgiest one to do this on, so I'll just go for it, but it is much easier with the others because physical touch can be so confronting, especially if you don't feel like it, right? But instead of saying, oh, you're just like a man, you just want physical touch, to really— for her to do the inner work and open so that the physical touch feels loving to her, that it, it is a way for her to experience love, which might mean asking you to touch in a particular way which is different than you are. Like, we're not talking about touch without consent, right? And likewise, that you can broaden your humanity enough to feel like acts of service is a fantastic vehicle through which you pour your love, because that is very different than just doing it for her, but really physical touch is what love feels like to you. But when you can feel love in doing the acts of service, you're the one who grows and becomes more aware and more refined in your being human. And yes, she gets love too, but it's not, um, yeah. So what do you think of that?

I think it makes so much sense. And so, you know, when I sit back and I listen to you say it, I'm like, oh yeah, I could totally do that. You know, and I feel like I'm doing that, but not really. I'm not really doing that, but I could take it up a notch and really do that. That's so true. I did, right? Because I'm hanging on every word that you're saying here.

That is so great. I love that. Um, because if you're doing acts of service in a way that feels like fulfilling a role, it's like you love her, so you're gonna play the role of acts of service so that she can feel the love you have, right? That is a great way to go when emerging from conflict. But at the level that you're at and the level of this conversation right now, to actually like check yourself— maybe there are certain acts of service that are easier to be a conduit of love, or maybe you'll have a very interesting inquiry, like, did people do things for you when you were a child, and were they actually more loving to you than you realized now that you can orient in this way? Or was something missing? Like, I'm, I'm making things up, but there is always more self-awareness to be had because I really believe that in our most evolved and enlightened state, and being in relationship and navigating the challenges helps us get there if we take the invitation, we can be more loving, period.

Wow, this has been so fabulous. Oh my goodness, I wish, you know, I'm gonna have to have you back because there's so many more questions that I want to ask you that people are like, girl, end that episode already. So Alexandra, how can people connect with you? How can they work with you? Like, are you open for clients? And what is it— what is the process of getting in your world?

Well, thank you so much. alexandrastockwell.com is my website, and I have a lot of different ways of learning from me there. My book called Uncompromising Intimacy, which is a a lot of tips and tools to make it really something that you can apply. I have programs to do on your own, programs to do with me coaching. So I think the best thing is really to go to alexandrastockwell.com and by all means fill out the contact form there and let me know you're interested in having a conversation. I also have a free Facebook group which is another place to connect with me. It's called The Intimate Marriage, but alexandrastockwell.com is the place to go.

Wow, thank you so much. I could sit and talk to you on this subject for the rest of the day. I mean, I, I just think love and connection is my top human need. You know, when, when COVID happened and we were stuck inside, I was like, I just want to go out there, wherever out there was, right? Just not in the house, just out there somewhere. And I just think that's the reason why we're put on this earth was so that we can connect with other people. Right. And so I love that you and I have shared the space and I thank you so much for everything that you've shared. And I mean, I have learned a ton today, a ton. So thank you so much for the gifts that you've poured into this, this episode. And I know that people are going to get— I can think of 6 people right now are going to get something from this episode, at least 6.

Well, thank you so much for saying that. It's really been a pleasure speaking with you. And because love and connection is your, your love language, I, I want to say that I really felt the connection in how you listened, which I named before, but also in the questions. Like, I, I think that this conversation is a really lovely example of what curiosity and connection creates. You and I, we're not old familiar people to one another, but you know what, if we talked once a week for 30 years, in 30 years we'd have a conversation just like this too, because we're both bringing this attention and adjusting to the connection as it grows between us. So yeah, thank you for that.

Absolutely. Thank you. You should also be a voice actor for romance books, novels.

Okay, I'll consider it. I did the Audible for my book, and it actually is one of the hardest things I've ever done. And I'll tell you— yes, because I'm a doctor. I've worked 36-hour shifts. I have 4 children. I know how to push myself.

Mm-hmm.

And when it comes to the voice, you can't push it and create good results. And so I had to take more pauses than in anything else I've ever done. It is a great therapy for an overachiever.

Yeah. Got it. But when, when I listen to you talk, and especially if we're talking, and this is, again, this is a lot, but when you were talking about the sexual parts, I was like, that's the first thing I thought. I was like, oh my gosh, she should be the voice of some of these hot and heavy romance novels because, you know, I'm like, you know, I turn it down here. So I love that. I love that. And so I hope you take that as a compliment the way I mean it.

Oh, I totally do. Good. What, what I take it as is authenticity.

There you go. Absolutely, absolutely. So Alexandra, thank you so much. This has been the absolute highlight of my day today.

Thank you, it's really a pleasure to know you.

Absolutely. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. If you're finding value in these podcasts, I would love it if you would share it with some— with other people that you think would find value. And then also, if you've ever had that voice, that little subtle voice that's like a whisper in your ear going, is this all there is? How can I receive more fulfillment in my life? How can I reach that level of, of really knowing and feeling 100% that this is what I was put on this earth to do? This is what I was created and made for. I would love it if you would go to Travia traviasteward.com, fill out the contact sheet, and we can have a conversation to see how can we jumpstart you right now to getting you on the path for creating your more.