Ep 87 From emotionally unavailable to finding himself again with Daniel Rowan

I'm Travia Steward, and I want to help you move past barriers and obstacles that are preventing you from getting what you want in life. This is Breakthrough. My guest today on the podcast is Daniel, and those of you who follow the podcast know that Daniel was my very first guest And the evolution, the transformation that I have witnessed in Daniel, I had to have him back on the podcast because he is someone who has done the work. Daniel is someone who— he's an actor, he almost gave up acting, he's a singer, he's a writer, and he lives in New York. And we dive into Daniel's latest breakdown, his emotional breakdown that occurred just this past December. And Daniel shares with us so intimately his thoughts, his feelings, how he felt like he couldn't really be himself, always wanting and feeling the need to perform or be someone that he wasn't. And I love this episode and the conversation that we have because He's authentic, he's vulnerable, and he's raw, and he's so genuinely sincere. And Daniel's someone who does the work to create the life he wants to live. So here we go with Daniel.

It was, uh, the beginning of December last year, 2021. I had all my Christmas lights up in my apartment, first holiday spending it by myself with my cat. And I just come home from work. I've been an actor for so long. But recently, like, you know, during the pandemic, like everybody does, we figure out a way to make it work. And that's the headspace that I was in, just making it work, not making it— I was making it work, um, not necessarily making it what I wanted it to be, um, because what I would like most look forward to was, um, just being at home by myself with my cat, which is great, that's fine, um, but I realized that, um, I was really, really looking forward to it, to being alone, a lot more than, uh, was healthy for me. So after work, as I stated, like in December, I came home and this was about 5 or 6, and I knew like the new Adele album had dropped. And everybody knows that when you listen to Adele, I mean, you go there to, I mean, feel it. I mean, so I hadn't listened to the whole thing yet. I said, tonight I'm going to go home. I'm going to pour myself a bourbon. So I walk in the door. I put everything down. I feed my loud-ass cat, Jacob. He's very happy to see me. I am for him too, but he's loud. So I pour my bourbon on the rocks, and I start from the beginning of her album. I mean, it sounds silly, but I was like, this is going to be a moment for me. I'm just going to listen to it and feel it out. And so I listened. I listened to it all the way through and ended up drinking a lot, a lot more than I had anticipated and getting really, really sad. Not because it was like— the album itself isn't super sad. But I knew that what I wanted to do that night was drink and be sad and cry and be by myself, feel sorry for myself, let myself have that. Because I'm like, oh, I'm doing so well, I'm holding it all together, this is good. I'm not even like holding it together, but like, I'm just like, I feel so good, but it feels so familiar for me to just be at home and do something that I felt familiar doing, which was throughout the pandemic, just, you know, we all sat at home and a lot of us ended up drinking a lot more than we should have, but we found a way to cope. But this, it was comfortable for me to do this thing, to listen to this album, to feel sad and to keep drinking. And so I just kept drinking at my computer and I was just sitting there drinking a ton, listening to the same song over and over again, this song called To Be Loved. And making myself look back on, look back on this relationship that I had that I don't even, I don't even think about this guy. And when I do, it doesn't even, he's like a stranger that I have memories, shared memories with. And yet I made myself think about that time and feel sorry for myself. And what I realized is that I wasn't longing for this person anymore. I was like longing to just feel sad over that guy that was me, that was in this relationship with this person. So kept drinking and drinking. I drank like half a bottle of bourbon that night. I was like, what am I doing? Why am I Why am I doing this? And the moment I started doing that, I started to like— I wasn't like stumbling around, but I was drunk enough to like go into the bathroom and vomit. And then I looked at my face in the mirror. I was like, just like tears running down my face. And like whenever, whenever I throw up, like the— these like, like the blood vessels break under my eyes. And I remember looking at myself and thinking, what am I— what am I doing? Why am I? Why am I doing this? Why didn't I have a perfectly great day? Like, felt really good. I was excited about Christmas, excited about the holidays, excited about the life that I had at this moment. I come home, it feels good. I have this foundation. And yet it felt like I was choosing that night to, like, give myself a sad night, which is good. Give yourself— I like to give myself room for emotions. But I chose that night to be sad when I didn't need to be. I chose to like dive back into these, into these emotions, into these stories that I used to tell myself, because somehow it felt like control or power or something. Where sometimes I just wasn't feeling control or powerful, finding like a semblance of control by making myself feel a certain way, by choosing sadness. And that's what I learned, is that that night I was choosing to be sad. I chose it. And that's when I realized, well, the next morning after like, you know, wiping the vomit off my face and washing my face and looking at this like $50 bottle of bourbon that I drank half of that should have lasted me like 3 weeks. I mean, let's don't get me wrong. I love, I love to have a nightcap, but those nightcaps shouldn't be a night like, but instead of a nightcap, it shouldn't be like a night bucket hat, just like a big, like fill it with bourbon. So the next morning I woke up and I was like, what the fuck? Why? I felt like, Daniel, like, you're hungover right now. You didn't drink because you were sad. You drank to make yourself sad. I was like, what? How does that add up? Why would you want to do that? And it felt like meeting an old abusive friend that felt comfortable because you knew him, which I'm not downing being sad. We need to move through our sadness, but to make yourself feel sad, that's— I had a bit of a breakdown. It just felt good. I knew I had to move through that so that I could realize that I had the potential to to do that. And what I'm noticing now is that I have patterns that I do that. I make— I'm like, oh, but you know what happened to you, right? And it just feels comfortable to be sad. It feels comfortable, especially when I'm starting to feel happy. It feels comfortable to make myself feel sad, to remind myself, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're gonna be sad. I'm happy that I did that. I can listen to Adele now without— well, there are other reasons why I listen to Adele now that makes me feel good, but I think it was just, I made that night to choose sadness. And I realized that I can do that. And it's not that that's disappeared, but I realize when I do it now, I can hear it, hear it start happening.

That's so incredible. I love how you are so openly vulnerable with sharing that story with us. And this was during the time where Daniel was going through my Create Your More program. And, and we were communicating through Voxer and Daniel shared this experience that he just shared with you guys through Voxer. And he was like, and, and The realization that came through your mind was that, oh shit, I'm choosing this. I purposely put these things in order so that I could feel shitty and sad and relive all these things, right? And so a lot of times people do that in life, you know. I'm sure I've done it, you you know, decades ago, whatever. Because now I purposely choose to, like, I don't really like to listen to sad, slow music because I know that's the effect that it has on me. So I choose things like EDM, you know, where I'm always jumping, right? And so Daniel, looking back through that whole evolution of that experience of going through that breakdown, Who was it that like, when you looked in the mirror and you saw, you know, the capillaries, the veins and everything after you had thrown up, who was that guy? And tell me, what were the things that you were saying to him as you looked in the mirror? And then how did you come, like, what was the thought process coming out of that and who Daniel is now?

I said, okay, you're there, I see you. In front of me. Yeah, you've gone through a lot. You've been through a lot. But let me take the reins now. You're okay now. Let me let you be happy. You are too valuable to yourself and to others, to your friends, to your family, to keep doing that. And these opportunities that you want, that you want and that you see for yourself, how are you going to be available? How are you going to be available if you keep filling your time doing things like that?

So very powerful. And what I've always loved about you, Daniel, is that you are an open book. And I know you're an actor. You're a guy who is in touch with how he feels somatically in his whole body. Would you say there was an area of your body that was like, release? Like, and what I'm asking is, there are times when it's like, oh, you know, I have withheld speaking up for something that I believed in. And whenever I was around and in that space, situation, my chest would just tighten up again because I, it like, I, I emotionally locked that physical pain in my chest. Where did you lock those things in your body? And could you feel a difference after you're like, okay, I'm moving through this?

Oh yeah, absolutely. Even like thinking about it, like I, I feel, I do feel it like in my sternum. And I feel like, uh, I feel like the heat, I mean, there's a reason why we call it hotheadedness, right? Because the blood just really does— I feel it feels like everything's trapped here. It feels like something, uh, grabbing me here and feeling my ears and my eyes. And no wonder whenever I looked in the mirror and all the— it was all bloodshot. I mean, not bloodshot, but like the capillaries had burst, had bruises under my eyes. What I, what I've told, what I've told you before about like how I, how I ground myself and stuff, something that I've found especially through like trauma after I went, uh, had a breakdown, like a true emotional breakdown that you, that you helped me through, uh, I remember over and over again what I would do is touch my chest and sort of like there's like a rhythm that I would sort of just keep. It was like a sort of just opening myself up. And I don't know what, I don't know what it was, but I just kept hitting my chest like this just a little bit, just to get something back in me, have control over what was happening to my body. And that's something that I, I've continued to do. That's something that whenever I looked in the mirror, I realized I had my hand on my chest and It's just sort of where I go and what I know feels safe. And I know that since one of my biggest love languages is touch, I realized that I don't have to get it from a partner or from friends that I can touch. I can put my own hand on my chest and feel that and feel like my own love. Judging, I'm judging myself as I hear myself judging myself. Like you just said, like, okay, yeah, you're going to love yourself. Okay, fine. That's great. No, but like, I like truly practicing loving myself by touching my chest, checking in with myself and being in like, letting that unlock, massaging that out.

When you're talking about feeling safe, you know, what are the warning signs that you are aware of when you're not feeling so safe, when you're like, uh-oh, that snake's about to rear its ugly head. Have you been able to identify what those signs are?

Yeah, it is. Uh, there's a, there's a tightening in my chest. There's a quicker, there's a quicker breathing. My hands tingle a little bit more. And if I'm walking somewhere, I notice I'm shifting my weight forward a bit more. And I, I noticed that, uh, I have like, I have big calves and big, uh, like shin muscles. That's strange. Shin muscles on the top. And I think it was— what I noticed is that I was a very anxious person as a kid too. I remember I used to just walk, just try to get away as quickly as I could. Remember, like, my heels hitting the ground in a really hard way. And whenever your heels drive into the ground, your shins tighten up. So I noticed whenever my shins are tight, I'm like, no, no, no, dude, ground yourself. Slow down a little bit. You're still walking just as quickly. Just because you're leaning forward doesn't mean you're gonna get there any fucking faster. I mean, just— I'm just going. I'm just like, no, just chill for a moment. You're good. Just— there is like a, like a tingling, like a— in my, in my ears. I just feel myself like noticing that, like, tension, uh, and it's like a driving forward, trying to get somewhere fast, right? Um, Anxiety even comes out like that with me on stage. If I'm with an orchestra or something, I know that my impetus is to rush if I'm feeling nervous. And I'll always feel nervous. I'll always feel that adrenaline, you know? So I have to consciously let myself just relax, relax into it.

I would love for you to share as beautifully as you have been sharing who Daniel was before the man who's sitting across from me now virtually, has allowed himself to open up and receive love because it's been a minute since you've been in a relationship. And how is this time different emotionally?

Oh, wow. It is so much different emotionally because I noticed, well, A, of course, the person, his name's Johnny, But I noticed myself at the beginning opening myself up, and because I was a stronger person, I was really in tune with how my body feels because I had improved all of these relationships in my life, my friendship relationships, my familial relationships, my work relationships, my— just all of these— my teacher, my mentor-mentee relationships. I was more open that way, but I hadn't approached a romantic relationship just yet. But all of those, all those versions of Daniels and all of those relationships came together and was like, okay, no, no, no, you got this, you got this, you got this. And I remember feeling really scared. It was really tough being strong and being in my own skin and putting myself forward rather than someone showing up as myself rather than what I, in the past, I would show up as, I don't know, the guy in the suit and try to be that cool guy and fit into like these New York crowds and all of this bullshit, this noise, this static, and then ultimately not feel good enough. Showing up as myself, that was really, really difficult, especially those first few weeks. And I reached out to you and I was like, I don't know if this person likes me. And you, you asked me, what's the evidence that he likes you? And I said, oh, he's already given me all that evidence. Uh, I was like, okay, okay, I guess I can just keep showing up. The more I showed up as myself, the more vulnerable— I thought— we thought I was a really vulnerable person, but the more vulnerable I was, I— it was actually physically painful. I realized that I am a really fucking great partner. I, I can support I can laugh. What I realize is that whenever I show up as myself, I'm able to accept love more. And this person shows me so much love. I mean, he shows me so much love and takes the piss out of me, can make fun of me so much. But that's something that I need because we both just bounce off of each other in that way. It feels good to have met someone at eye level. And I think we've both met each other at eye level at the same time. There's not any looking up or looking down or looking. It feels good to look over and see him there. And even though he's in London, I do not second guess my trust for him, or that's not something I second guess. The things that I have to listen for are those old records, those old versions, and keep checking in because it doesn't just disappear. It is a practice. It's a constant and it is well worth it to do that. Because I mean, I told you like in class, like one of my, the things that I want in my life at some point, I said that I know it's gonna be accessible to me as a partner. And my God, like what was it? So we ended on the 8th.

Oh, it was the 12th.

Well, right.

Yeah, that Sunday was the 12th.

Johnny and I started talking on the 14th.

Wow. Okay.

Right after that. And I came out, I came out of the workshop with you knowing what my, what my purpose was, because that was just, it's because we wrote it down, we wrote down what our purpose was. And that sounds like, oh, I know what my purpose is. But like, no, you, you write down, you're like, okay, no, my purpose is to help people. That's what I want to do. I want to help people. And the more I was clear about the why of that, every, some, like clearing some static and stuff, I think I was Um, actually, I know I was more available to accept love, so it was the right time.

So Daniel, it was the right time, and I love this, this, this whole transformation that I— that, that you are evolving through. What I want you to dive into now is, you know, sometimes like some things like disappoint you, you don't get the yes for this, okay? So now we close up a little bit, and then something else happens, and then we close up even more. So coming out of that huge emotional breakdown. I want you to just peel back the layers right now of how all those things that you were going through emotionally were locking you up from acting and how you've been even opened up more and like, oh, shit, that affected that too?

Yeah. Oh my God. I was in a relationship with someone that was a part of my same industry. And I not only did I compare myself to other people in the industry, I compared myself to this person, which was unfair to both of us. So whenever I threw out the baby, when I threw out the bathwater, I threw out the baby with the bathwater. I threw out everything. I moved away from New York City. I moved upstate. I got a new cat, got all new furniture, got new everything. I was, Literally always at the Goodwill, always finding that furniture, furnishing my apartment. And then when the pandemic hit, I had time to step back and, oh, this feels good to not act. That's what I was thinking. It feels good to not act. I wanted to find what it was that felt good. And I think it just, it felt good to be doing something for myself. That's what felt good. And what I realized is that after like, making a complete career change. I told my agents, I said, I don't wanna act anymore. Pulled out of my union, or like froze my union or something. Got into all the schools I wanted to, was literally about to start school. And whenever I met this person, Jonny, I was like, it's like something opened up to me and all I wanna do is fucking sing. I just like, with my guitar every single morning, just like, what is this? Why am I just? Why am I singing? And there was some— there was something that was locked up in me, and I realized— and of course Johnny's like— I'm gonna butcher his accent— uh, he's like, whatever you do, don't stop. Don't stop. Even if you're at school, don't stop. Just keep it up. He's a casting director, um, so he's— so he's like— he knows his shit. So he's like, don't, don't— he's gonna kill me if he watches this. But then I realized something. There was— I was like, no, actually, I don't want to go back to school. I want to act, and that's okay. And acting isn't, isn't my ex's. Acting does not belong— just because he's in the industry and much older than me, even though he is in the industry, has done it much longer than I have, it doesn't mean he owns it. And I was doing it to get away from him. I was getting out of acting to get away from him. And I realized, no, no, wait. No, I'm safe now. So I pulled out of school. And I called my agents and told them that I'm committing to this. And somehow— I mean, I've had some good success. And I'm excited about some more stuff. I'm excited. I'm excited about it. I'm excited to see where it goes. I realized that in a career that feels so like I'm asking for permission all the time, I had to do something that felt like I was in control. I was like, nope. I'm not gonna do this off-Broadway show. I'm not gonna be with this agency. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do that. Nope, I'm not doing it. So whenever I've chosen to come back with, after this something, this like this love part of my heart has opened and I see this person also that's given me the space to do that. And I've given myself space to love. I think it's just unlocked something. And I love that I now know that I have access to that, and I have control knowing that I'm going back in, going back into acting. Um, I'm, I'm actually excited to audition where I was before. Um, I would dread it, and I think it was because I would always— I was always comparing myself. I just have air now. I've given myself space. I've given myself air, and I feel control, and I know that my, my, uh, success is not based on, uh, any person.

Yes.

And it And it's based on me and the decisions I make.

Wow. So Daniel, as we wrap up this episode, is there one tool, like someone who's listening right now, what is the thing that you fall back on that you go, you depend on? It's like when I recognize Daniel is falling back in this place, what is that tool, that strategy that gets you right back out of it so that someone else who possibly is going through this is like, oh, I can do that too, because I recognize some familiarity in what Daniel's sharing.

Tool for me is unequivocally the ritual that I have that starts my day. I can always depend on it. I know that my found— I know that if I don't do anything else that day, I can do that. And I know that I'm going to feel like I did something because we all have tough days. I know that I get up, I open the blinds, I light a candle, light some incense. And if I'm feeling extra out of, out of my body, I go to something that makes me feel good as a kid. And that was watching cartoons and taking a bath. It's going to be different for everybody. But I will set up my laptop on the toilet and, and get in the bathtub and watch, watch cartoons. It's, it's really good. It's good to, to watch things that are predictable, that are— that don't have any kind of conflict, so that you can feel comfortable like a friend and you're doing it for yourself and with yourself. And I'll always have like a hot drink, a hot tea or a hot coffee, and I'm all about the coffee, so it just makes you look— but always lean back on that ritual of lighting a candle, cartoons in the bath, opening the blinds, feeling the sun on your face. And sometimes that's tough. That is really tough. But if you can do it, if you can get the lighter out, if you can just light the candle, and if you can just run the bath and get in the bath, you're gonna be okay.

You know, and that's starting your day with your safety. This is, it's fueling yourself with how you wanna feel. You know, as you know, you guys hear me refer to it, it's getting yourself up to a level of homeostasis so that you're aware when you fall out of it later in the day. And, you know, and like you said, it's different for everyone. So I know that it's taken you some time to find what is your morning routine and what is it that works because, you know, things, different things work for different people. So Daniel, thank you for sharing that. And thank you for sharing everything that you share. You know, I love having these conversations with you and you and I, I mean, we could get on the phone and talk for hours and hours and hours. You know, and I just love seeing this man today who is open for love, who is going to be on stage again, because I'm going to be waiting for— hey, Trey, guess what? I'm performing in Portland, wherever it is. We're there. We are there, my man. So yes, Daniel, thank you for how much you blessed this episode. I hope that lots of people are learning from it. And I thank you for the blessing that you are in my life, 100% in our lives. So I love it. I love the man who's sitting here who looks so happy. And you look happy and healthy. So I'm so glad you found that Daniel. Actually, you didn't find that Daniel. He's a better Daniel. You have created a better Daniel. Yeah. I love it. Thank you so much, Daniel.

Thank you for, for helping me get there.

Thank you so much for listening. If you're someone who's finding valuable from these episodes, I would love it if you would leave a 5-star review, and I would also love it if you would share it with someone else who also could find value in, in these episodes. And because it's March and because I have 2 open spots for coaching, if you If you are someone who has felt a gentle nudge, a little tug, it's like I, I resonate with what Travia stands for. I, I resonate with her style. If you are someone who would like to explore what it would look like to maybe go on a coaching relationship with me, go to my website, traviasteward.com. T-R-A-V-I-A-S-T-U-A-R-D.com. TraviaSteward.com, and just fill out the contact form, and I will contact you in like 24 hours. And so I would love to have a conversation of how I could help you break through your glass ceiling and create your more in your life. Thank you so much for being valued listeners of this podcast, and I couldn't be able— I couldn't do this without each and every one of you. So thank you so much and enjoy your day. Take care. Peace.