Feedback Isn't About You—Here's Why

What if the feedback you dread the most could actually be the key to your personal and professional growth? Have you ever felt like the feedback that you received from coworkers, from your partners, was more of a personal attack? Well, you're definitely not alone. I know I have felt that way. Today on the podcast, we're gonna explore why that happens and how we can shift your perspective to handle and maybe even embrace criticism and feedback on a much different level. Welcome to Lead with Confidence Now, the podcast dedicated to helping you grow your confidence and live your best life. I'm Travia Steward, and for the last 27 years, I've been on a, I've been on a mission to transform lives. My goal with this podcast is to help you eliminate self-doubt so that you can improve your self-image and perform better in all areas of your life. And today, We're gonna dive into how we're going to be able to do those things. You'll learn how to turn those defensive reactions into growth opportunities and basically see how this change can help make your relationships and your personal growth much, much better. Before we dive into it, if you're interested in one-to-one coaching and you want me to personally help you boost your confidence by eliminating self-doubt and improving your self-image, stick around for the end of the episode and I'll share exactly what you need to do next. All right, let's go, my peeps. All right, my peeps, what's happening? Happy Podcast Thursday. So before we dive into it, I want to share with you where the motivation for this episode is coming from. And so I remember early on, in my teaching career. I would get evaluated on my teaching. I would get evaluated for my one-act plays as a director. And I remember the very first time that I directed a one-act play and we were competing against other high schools and we advanced out of, you know, in Texas, what you do is it's just like, you know, sports. Where you have, you make the playoffs and you go against other schools and at every level, other schools are eliminated. Well, that's how it was with one-act play. So, we had in Texas where you would compete at zone, then you'd go to district and then area, then regional, then state. And this particular year that I'm talking about, I had, I was at Harleton High School and we had advanced from zone, which meant we were now going to district. So zone is if there are 8 schools in your district, you break it down into 2. So Zone A is 4 schools, Zone B is 4 schools. So we advanced from zone. Now we're going against another set of schools in the district. And I remember we were performing a show and we did not advance and we received alternate that year. And that was my very, very first year of competing as a director. And I remember, you know, and so in Texas you have critic judges, like these are the evaluators. And when I was still directing in Texas, it was just one person. Now if you go back and you're competing, there's a panel of 3 people. And so, but— there, it was this one person's opinion that basically determined your fate. And I remember we did not advance. And this guy, the judge, he, you know, gave us our critique after the performance. And I remember receiving that feedback because I remember saying, you know, tell us what was it? I mean, you know, because critic judges have a way of, basically saying it to where it's so nice, we're sugarcoating things. I'm like, no, no, tell me what we need to work on so that we're not in the same position next year. And I remember him saying to me, Travia, you had actors on this stage who weren't in character. They didn't even have a character. They primarily walked to the edge of the stage and just delivered lines. Now, initially, I felt some kind of way about it. Now, I did ask for this feedback, but when I received the feedback, it was like, "What you mean? You know, we work, we've been working on this show for months." And I took it a little personally. Again, my peeps, even recognizing that I asked for this feedback, but I remember going, "Okay." What was it that he said? We didn't advance. I don't wanna be in this situation next year. So how can I take this feedback, this constructive criticism, so that we are better next year? And so that was one of the first times I remember receiving this type of feedback in my professional career that I'm like, initially, it hit me the wrong way. And initially, I didn't know what to do with it., but it took after reevaluating what, you know, I could learn from this. How could we apply this and be better? You know, one of the things that was before I recorded this episode, and this is something that Shelly and I talk about all the time, but before I recorded the episode today, I, we were talking about something that she, you know, receives feedback on. So she's an administrator. And she is a director, an associate director of a big school at ASU. And so part of it is she's always doing something and opening herself up to feedback because you pretty much don't have a choice. And when I was talking to her, she shared that, yeah, I receive feedback. I think I'm doing, I'm working my ass off. I'm doing this, I'm bending over backwards for this person and that person. But yet, there's still emails that are coming in going, you're not doing enough. You ignored my feelings. You did not consider our input when you made such and such decision, you know? And then another thing with her is I admire this so much because, truth be told, I don't know if I would have as thick a skin and the tenacity and the grit to keep doing it. As a researcher, she's a microbiologist, so as a researcher, she has to apply for grants, grant after grant after grant, because she employs people in her lab. And in order to do that, you got to pay those people in your lab. And in order for her to pay those people, she's got to apply for grants, NIH grants, you know, small business grants. But she writes so many grants during the year, and, you know, a lot of times those grants aren't funded. They're funded sometimes. And so when you receive the feedback on something, again, writing grants, like I watch her work on these grants sometimes on the weekend, sometimes late at night, in the morning, and I watch her pour her blood, sweat, and tears into these grants. And just to go, oh, it wasn't even discussed. What? It wasn't even discussed? And, you know, we talk about these things all the time. And so that would be like in my 24 years of teaching high school theater, that we would work on a show for months and months and months and no one comes. We just have a rehearsal and no one shows up. That's what it's like for her to spend all the time working on this grant and it not even be discussed. And so, This is something that she has learned to work through and go, how can I take the constructive criticism and the feedback from my peers, the peer evaluators of these grants, and improve the next time? Because what we don't want is to just linger in that place of where our negative beliefs come up. We're feeling some kind of way, we attach a meaning to it. Because when we really look at it, criticism and feedback that we receive is about our actions. It's about our work. Sometimes it's about our behavior, but it's not about who we are. Like we're talking about in the professional, it's not about, it's not a referendum to, I'm a bad person, you know, I can't do these things. Generally, the feedback that we receive is on how we basically did something, how we work through something at work, how the results that we got. So if we stick to the facts and we don't bring in the personal meanings and the personal feelings and the emotions, then we're able to look at that feedback and go, OK, what were my actions? What were the results? And how did I, and what did I produce in this situation? But what happens in turn is we sometimes take it completely the wrong way. And instead of taking it for our growth and our benefit, we believe it's attack on us personally. We believe it's attack on our, you know, profession, us as a person, you know, on my morality, on my values and who I am as a person. And when that happens, it's really our limiting beliefs that are coming in and, you know, basically misconstruing what that feedback was meant. Now, okay, I must admit there are just some people who will just tell you some stuff who are just going to be rude, who will attack your character, who will attack your person, who will attack your personality. Those are the times where you got to go, I'm just going to wash my hands. I'm not going to take that personally. I'm going to decide what is true for me so that I don't ruminate and get into a thought spiral over this one conversation that I had with someone who doesn't add any value to my life. I do acknowledge that those people do exist. Those people do exist to make us ruin our days, to, you know, piss in our Cheerios, all those things. But outside of those people who are just trying to be ugly, I'm talking about feedback in a professional setting, feedback in your relationship. And sometimes we view it as negative because when it's something that goes against what we, we're like, man, I really thought I did a good job with that. And so when someone goes, ah, but you could have done better, Now, it's what are we focusing on in that situation? Are we focusing on could have done better, and we're forgetting that we did a good job to begin with? Are we losing the positive and optimistic part of that equation? So now it's what are we making that feedback mean? Are we making that feedback mean we're a terrible person, we're not good enough, we're not worthy, I can't do as good a job as Paula does, I can't do as good a job as Jim does? It's what we're making it mean. And sometimes these beliefs can stop us from really seeing the heart of the valuable feedback. You did a good job, but hey, let's tweak this one thing. You did a good job. Hey, let's turn this one thing and let's really focus on this part. Keep everything the same in the beginning, but this one part and you are there. And so when we receive feedback and criticism, it doesn't mean that we should identify and label ourselves as a failure. I'm not saying that I'm immune from that because I've done that, but I do this work and I am able to sep— separate myself from, "I'm a failure." No, no, I just didn't produce the results I wanted. You know, I may have failed at getting that thing that I wanted, but I am not a failure. So if we can separate those things, and keep the thoughts that we have about the feedback receiving, we keep those things separate and, and, and not allow it to bring us down, then we can look at this feedback as constructive, as something that's going to help us grow. Because when you learn to handle feedback and constructive criticism positively, you open yourself up for growth. You know, if someone says, like, I remember, and we're talking about in our relationships, you know, I've shared with you guys that, you know, Shelly and I communicate really, really well and we do a relationship check-in and it's, we really do it whenever I feel like, you know, hey, we could probably use a relationship check-in 'cause we wanna make sure that we're on the same page. And it's easy to go, hey, How, you know, on a scale of 1 to 10, where do you rate our relationship? Now it's easy if, you know, she were to answer and go, I think it's a 7. Well, for me, a 7 is terrible. For somebody else, a 7 may be wonderful because it was a, it was a 3 last month, right? You wanna look at these things and go, okay, how can I not take it personally? And how can I look at if she said the relationship was a 7? My next question would be, what would make it an 8? What would make it closer to a 10? That's how we begin to grow and improve in our personal life. You know, the same thing on our job. You know, we wanna be able to handle all of this constructive criticism by pausing and reflecting on it, right? Because when we take a moment and process exactly what was said, before we react, right? We receive it so that we don't snap, so that we don't immediately get defensive because you are on automatic pilot. We have these things that we naturally react to, you know? And so if you insert that pause and go, "I'm gonna take a moment to receive and process what I've just received," Then we make space from the stimulus to the reaction. We make space right in between to choose our reaction. And then when you're receiving the feedback, we wanna ask questions of the person to make sure we fully understand the feedback that we are receiving, which shows again that we're open to learning and improving and growing. And then one of the most important things, and I said it a few minutes ago, we wanna separate the feedback from our identity. Remember, the criticism, the constructive feedback, it's not about you as a person. It's not about calling you a failure. It's not about calling you a loser. It's not about calling you anything negative in your identity. We just wanna focus on the action and keep our feelings out of it. And so we wanna keep Whatever it is we're concluding and making that feedback mean, we want to keep that out of it and just look at the facts. The facts is, I received a report on this program that I completed. I wanted the report to be 100, and the report was an 85. How can I close the gap between 85 and 100? Just looking at the facts. And then for so many of these things, you can receive the feedback. And to be perfectly honest, keep what you want and toss the rest. So if you're like, okay, I believe I did a good job, you know, on this part, this 85%. And if this one thing that, you know, you received the constructive feedback, this one thing doesn't directly apply to making this project better, but maybe it's down future. Maybe it's something that you don't excel at and you're like, I don't have time to learn this thing, grow into this thing. I don't have time to learn Excel right now. I don't want to do that. I can still do 85% good work and then add another 15%. Keep what you want and toss the rest. And so we don't have to. We don't have to do every single thing that someone else suggests because we want to be confident in our skills. We want to be confident in our ownership of what we bring to the table. And if 85% of it was good, then you're doing some really good stuff. You're doing some, you know, a lot of good stuff, 85%. Now we just want to tweak that 15%. So keep what you want in that feedback and toss the rest. Keep what you want that is going to help you improve and grow both personally and professionally. And so we don't want to give someone else the ultimate authority on, "So-and-so gave me the feedback, and I'm doing every single thing." We still want to have the confidence and the wherewithal of going, "No, no, this thing's for me. This is how I like to work. This is the ownership that I bring to this company, to this team." to this project. So there we have it, my peeps. Being able to embrace feedback and constructive criticism in a growth mindset way, positively, can really, really change your life. You know, it can really stop you from going to sleep with these things, putting these things that piss you off up on the shelf, and then one day the shelf falling down. It also helps you grow and improve in ways that you may not have even thought was possible. It helps us to clear that mental, you know, that mental mud from your brain of going, this is what so-and-so thinks, and I'm dwelling on the negative. We want to stop that and then weed out the weeds in our brain, weed out that trash, right? And so what you want to do is again, receive it, ask questions for clarity, separate the facts. Don't put your emotions and your feelings into it. And remember, this is a chance for you to get better. You can keep what you want. You can toss the rest. So overall, criticism is not a personal attack. It shouldn't be a personal attack. If someone is attacking you personal, personally, about your character and who you are at your core, that's not constructive feedback. That's not something that should be happening at work or even in a relationship. And if those things are happening, now it's time to reassess where you are. It's time to reassess if you even, you know, belong in that job, if you even belong in that relationship. And again, your limiting beliefs, what you believe about yourself, can distort your perceptions of that criticism. So we want to detach the meaning and again, just stick to the facts. Okay, my peeps. So that's what I have for you this week. And I want you to really think about how can I react differently if I know I have an evaluation coming up? If I know that I'm going to be getting, you know, this, my team is going to evaluate me or they're gonna fill out this survey that's gonna assess How I'm viewed as a leader. If, you know, my partner and I are gonna do a relationship check-in that is going to assess where our relationship stands, how are you gonna use that information? And remember, you wanna go, this is the stimulus. You wanna have some space to pause before you react. So the pause in reflecting and receiving it and going, Just think about the facts. We wanna keep it neutral and we don't wanna attach our feelings and our emotions to it. All right, my peeps, if you are looking for someone to help you eliminate your self-doubt, because so many times in life we don't believe we have the skills to do things. You know, we don't believe we're confident enough to lead a team. We don't believe we're confident enough to stand up for ourselves in a relationship. You know, just to really— and not fight for what we want, but set a standard for what we desire our lives to be. I'm ready to lead you on this journey. I'm ready to help you eliminate that self-doubt. I'm ready to help you boost your self-confidence so that you can get that promotion, so that you can create the relationship that you want, so that you can create the life that you want. Alright, my peeps. We'll talk next week.