Rewriting the Rules to live an intentional life with Alex Starr

You are listening to episode number 47, Rewriting the Rules to Live an Intentional Life with Alex Starr.

If you're someone who wants to make major changes in their life, someone who wants to achieve their goals, or maybe you're someone who knows this is not as good as it gets but you have no idea where to start, on the Reinvent You podcast, we explore different types of people their successes and failures, and how they reinvented themselves to create the life they love. It's our hope that from hearing their stories, that you too may have more insight into what it takes to build a life that you envision for yourself. Here to help you do that is performance and life coach Travia Steward.

Before we dive right into the episode, I want to talk briefly about how much I love that Alex and I have so much of our methodology in common. And so I read his book in one night. It was— I loved it. I just connected with it so much. And so the reason why I connected with it, because it has so many similarities to my coaching. With being intentional, focusing on mindset, recognizing when your intuition is guiding you to make a change. And so part of the Reinvent You process is being able to notice when it is time to make those changes and taking the action in order to create that intentional life that you always dreamt that you were meant to live. One way that I knew it was time for me to make a change, and I wish, you know, I probably would have made that change sooner. I noticed that as a teacher, I felt like I had plateaued. I wasn't being challenged anymore. I wasn't growing as an instructor. And then I also felt like I, I'm, I've always been a firm believer that everything has a season, you know, is a season. So the season for me teaching and impacting students was coming to a close. You know, also I'm an old school teacher, you know, I'm an older— I was an older teacher now. And so I wanted it to be a place of, you know, a place where you felt like you mattered. You felt like you were still making a difference in the lives of the students. And, but it got to a point where I felt like I was, and this wasn't every student, but I'm thinking, I'm just talking about how I felt as an educator. It just got to a point where I felt like there were more days where I felt like I was the more prepared in the room. I mean, even the most prepared in the room. And it was such a task every day to play cheerleader, to play motivator, to play, come on, let's just get it, you know, that kind of thing. And I felt like I got to a point where I wanted it more than they wanted it, whatever that was, whether it was a performance, whether it was grades. But I knew I had gotten to a place where the signs were written on every wall of every room that I went into that, okay, Trey, it's time for you to do something else. And so recognizing that I was no longer challenged, I was no longer growing, was a very, very big step. And then we have a tendency to ignore that, talk ourselves out of it, because who's going to leave a job after 24 years? Who does that? Most people are getting ready to retire. Here I am starting another career. So there we go. So if you are noticing that your growth has plateaued, you're not challenging, you're not being challenged, and it just feels like you're just going through the motions, this could very well be an indication that it's time for you to make a change. I hope you listen. All right, as we get into it today, my guest is a former wildland firefighter and now a best-selling author whose mission is to help people redefine what success looks like to them and the simple steps to make that life happen. Love that. He is also the author of Rewrite the Rules: An Unconventional Way to Build an Intentional Life. He also hosts the Rewrite the Rules podcast. And today on the podcast, we are going to delve into his book that he just published, also how to start and build better relationships. And we're going to touch on mindset and intuition. So get your pen and paper ready. I hope you're able to find some value from this episode. I think you will. I got a lot out of it.

So here we go.

Let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen, today I have an author. He has put out his first book. Welcome to the Reinvent You Podcast, my man Alex Starr. Alex, how are you doing today on this Monday? It's going to come out on a Thursday, but how are you in Austin, Texas today?

I'm cold. Yeah.

Yeah.

We were just talking about it. There's a foot to a foot and a half of snow. The cars are completely iced over. They don't have any— they don't have salt, they don't have sand they can put on the streets. There's no snowplows here, right? I think everyone's just waiting for it to melt, but no one can drive. It's—

I mean, it's fun because everybody's slip sliding, right?

Everybody's slip sliding. Yeah, there's videos online of like people just literally getting on the highways and just, right, just sliding to the other side. But my fiancée and I literally just like lit candles last night. We put all of our couches together to make it like a giant bed in the living room. We're not like having a sleepover, and then just with the dog, we just put on movies and like have slumber parties.

Oh, that sounds so good. That, that's so perfect. So yeah, I know about the ice on the roads in Texas. I used to live in Longview, Texas for like 14 years, and that's when I was still teaching. And it was, you know, it wasn't a snow day because they didn't know, you know. So I drove to work slid, totaled my pickup truck, and it was like, it was almost like somebody picked it up and put it between 3 trees. No. Yeah, but you know, I, I bumped my head, that was it. Pickup truck was totaled, but it was like, so that fear of ice living in Texas is like still with me.

Yeah, yeah, I bet, I bet. Yeah, yeah, I know if you're not used to it, I'm from Northern California, but the like kind of in the foothills. So if you're not used to it, it gets kind of scary really quick.

It does. It does. Well, so cool. So let's go ahead and dive into it, Alex. I would like to, like for you to share with my listeners, put some context as to who Alex Starr is, how he came to be today.

Sure, sure. Yeah, the like, why should I listen to this guy?

Right, right, exactly.

Podcast section. Yeah. I mean basically what happened was, you know, like most people, I followed a script through life, right? I was kind of blindly going through my life on autopilot through high school. After high school, you go to college. After college, you're supposed to get a job, get a stable job hopefully. You get money into a 401, probably marry somewhere in there, pop out a couple of kids, and then that's your life. You know? And in the meantime, you pile on a bunch of debt and you try and fill that emptiness with products and consumerism and alcohol or whatever your substance is that you choose, right? So It was like, it was after college where I was, I was really looking back now, I was, I was depressed, you know. I was using, um, you know, chasing girls and alcohol as just my main source of entertainment, so to speak, right? And just wasn't at all fulfilled in even the slightest bit and was lost and kind of rudderless in a lot of ways. And, uh, after college you get a job, like I was mentioning. And I just, I didn't know what I wanted to do. I just knew I didn't want to do that quite yet. I didn't want to just jump into a job. I wanted to go experience the world, give back if I could.

Right.

And anyway, not knowing what I didn't want to do led me towards the other direction. And I stumbled upon AmeriCorps, which is like a domestic Peace Corps. And it was through that and that year of really kind of opening my eyes to the world, really meeting all these people, helping out in homeless shelters, seeing people from all walks of life. I got trained to be a wildland firefighter within that program, and, and that's what really set my life in motion. That's what really set my life in motion, seeing all the possibilities that we have, how I could kind of break free of the status quo. I didn't have to follow along with it just because that's what we were told to do, right? Um, and, and kind of through that is when I, you know, the podcast is what came out of that. I started meeting all these people that were rewriting the rules, right? They were leaving their accounting jobs to become a firefighter because that's what they'd always dreamed of. They were people that I met that were living in a van and saving money doing that. There were people that had kind of given up money. There were Navy SEALs, there were entrepreneurs, just all these people who were like taking life by the horns, so to speak, and were making it happen, weren't drifting on autopilot. They had intention behind and deliberate about the way they were living their life. And I just kept hearing these stories and I thought, I got to get these out into the world. So I was going to write a book then, but I was like, ah, fuck that, it's— that's a little too much work right now, right? So I'm just going to— I'm just going to make it a lot easier on myself and record these conversations in the podcast. Got it. Um, and, and that's what has led me down, yeah, this whole path to now putting out the book as like a guidebook for people, um, to be able to do that in their own life.

Right. Thank you for that. You know, that was a nice snippet. But what is it that— I know we're going to talk about intuition. We're going to dive into it a little later because I want to talk about that story in Antigua. My God. Um, but what is it? Because, you know, I did, I did some research. I listened to a few podcasts. You are but a little young buck of what, 31?

I'm 30. I just turned 32 now.

Yeah, 32. And so it's like It took me probably over 40 years of my life to have that burning desire that, is this it? What was it that planted that within you at such a young age?

I don't know. That's a really good question. I've never thought about that. Um, but now that I am, I would probably say, um, I don't know, I've just been a very— always like a goal-oriented person. And then, you know, part of it was that I just, I just so strongly knew what I didn't want to do. Once again, I didn't— I had no idea what I wanted to do. I just so strongly knew deep down that there was— yeah, this is— this, this can't just be it. I do not want to go down the path of just getting a job at like Enterprise. And I use that as an example just because a friend of mine from college got a job at Enterprise, and I remember thinking like I just don't want to do that right now. And a big part of it, I think, too, intertwined in that was my ego as well, because that was also telling me, you know, that I wanted to be a little different, right? I didn't want to just join the crowd. And there's the ego kind of saying, you know, you're special, right? Like, you don't need to just do what everyone else is doing. You're going to do things differently. So there's always like the ego component of any decision that we make that's in there. But Yeah, I was just, I was just strong-willed in like the fact that I didn't want to do a certain path.

Right. Now, were you going against the grain of your circle of friends and your acquaintances and your family? Or were you witnessing other people, you know, paving and trailing their blazing their own trails?

No, I wasn't. No, I know, I really didn't know anybody else blazing their trails at that point. Like when I was graduating college, once again, yeah, I just saw what everyone else was doing. And I just had that realization that sounds like you had, you know, after 40 years saying, this can't be it. I— but if this is it, then I'm in for a really rough future here because, um, there's nothing about this trajectory that excites me in the least bit. I'm not happy where I'm at. I'm not satisfied with getting a somewhat meaningless robotic job to pay the bills when I'm— at that point I was 23. Yeah, I was 23 years old, 24 years old. And I always say like, man, if I had, if I had messed everything up, Travia, and I was stuck under a bridge in a box— yeah, it's just me under that box. Like, it was, it's just me, you know. Now I have a fiancée and a dog and stuff, but back then it was just me, just you. Everything went to complete shit. Okay, right. It's not like it's doing amazing right now. And I have— I'm not making a million dollars and have a family of 5 right now that I have to lose. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain by at least trying it out for a little bit.

Right. Oh, I love that. You know, and I press on that because I want other people to, you know, if you recognize that you're unhappy, this is like, oh man, I'm 21, I'm graduating from college next year. Is this all there is? You know, because I wish, you know, I try not to look at it as regret, but I wish I would have had this burning desire in my 20s. You know, I think everything comes around for a reason. Everything happens for a reason. And I totally wouldn't have the life lessons that I have, which makes me, I think, a really good coach now. But I do feel such urgency because I'm older. And so like, there's a little bit of envy that Alex found that early at a young age.

I will say, I can't take credit for all of it because I think the big difference in that decade is the internet. I truly think so. And when I was going through college, YouTube was really just starting to catch fire. Podcasts were kind of a thing, but there was definitely like a palpable excitement and a feeling of like intellectual expansion going on during like 2010 to like 2015 because media was really starting to pick up and we were really being exposed on like a mass media level to all these different ways of life. Like I remember listening to like Joe Rogan's podcast back then was like, like him talking about, you know, DMT and him talking about psychedelics and him and the people that he would have on that. Then I would start to follow like Aubrey Marcus and some other people. The things they were talking about that we consider now as normal, like even like using shrooms as an example, or psychedelics is a good one.

Yeah.

Now it's somewhat in a lot of circles, it's kind of normal to talk about psychedelic experiences. It's not so crazy anymore, right? But 5, 10, 10 years ago, it was a different story. And so I think me having access to those types of people is what kind of like expanded my mind that you didn't have. So yeah, there is that, there is that, there is that.

Yeah, because I still have people— I went to get my first shot of the vaccine and the guy's like, what's your email? And I was like, you know, latise1@aol. He goes, AOL, what? Like, I remember it's like, you're online, you know? So crazy.

Yeah, yeah, AOL and like Hotmail are kind of the old ones. Yeah, yeah, one. Yeah, but I— and I— yeah, I don't just say that to like make you feel better. I really truly believe that because there, there is a big component of that. Like, you probably had the same seeds that I did and other people other did, but like there wasn't the extra component. Yeah, that was, you know, actually seeing the guideline of a life that you could live and being pulled towards that. If you don't, if you don't see it, then you don't, you don't know it's even possible. Yeah. And it's like, it's like a fish who can't see water.

That's true. And then I didn't have a circle of people who were doing these extra things. I was doing pretty much what I felt everyone else was doing. You go to, you go to college, you get a degree, you get a job, you keep a roof over your head, food on your table, and then you hopefully find love. Yeah. So there it is. Yeah.

That's the play-by-play.

It is. It is.

It is. So Alex, you know, I did a little cheating with— I heard— I listened to your latest podcast and I love when you started your whole podcast were the 3 things you did in 2020 that made the biggest difference. I would love it if you could talk to that because, um, you know, I want to try that first one that you're talking about now, you know, um, I don't know about the third one, but yeah, but if you can talk about it. Yeah. The, the 75 Hard, the Saturdays and the shrooms.

Okay.

Yeah.

I thank you for saying those. So I'm like, okay, I think I remember the 3 I said.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was like, yeah. So yeah, basically what I was saying. Yeah. For, for 2020, every year I like to kind of do a recap, a review of like, hey, what, what went well? And not just so goals, goals are important, goals are important, but also like what were the supporting parts that just made my life better? Not so much I accomplished something to check off the box, but what made my life just feel more complete while I was checking off the boxes? So yeah, a couple, a few, 3 things I did last year that by far had like the biggest impact out of any year I've ever done. And then I have one thing I started doing this year that has been the most enjoyable thing I think I've ever decided to do in the past decade. That I'll talk about too.

Okay.

So first thing is 75 Hard. 75 Hard is, uh, it's by an entrepreneur called Andy, named Andy Frisella. For people listening, he's kind of a gruff, uh, very multi, multi, like 10-figure entrepreneur, owns First Form, uh, supplements and stuff like that. Um, anyway, it's a 75-day like mental, mental challenge and physical challenge. Where for 75 days straight you drink a gallon of water, um, you do 2 45-minute workouts, one has to be outside, um, you read 10 pages of a book, no alcohol, and then whatever, whatever diet you choose, you just have to stick to it. You can't do one cheat on it at all.

Wow.

Um, so yeah, and so really, like, each one of those isn't too difficult, and especially to do it one day is fine, and even 10 days isn't that hard. But as you start to stack it and you get to day 20 and day 30 and day 40 and day 50, and you go to a birthday party or you go to, you know, a friend's thing and, oh, you want to have a beer with us? And there's so many different temptations you have to say no to, right? That was such a pivotal 75 days for me. I'm actually on day 40. I'm doing it again this year.

Wow.

Um, I'll probably do it at the beginning of every year, and it's just such a— it is such a good reset if people are just looking for like, I could just use a more than just a like 30-day sober thing. If you really want to reset to like instill like a confidence in yourself again, really like they sell, they say like, you know, motivation and grit and all those things. This actually like built it for myself in a way that I'd never done before. And I've read all the books and I've done all those things.

Yeah.

This was actually like taking all those lessons that we read and like, okay, now you're actually gonna implement it for 75 days straight and instill it into your character. Um, so highly, highly recommend that. Yeah. Um, I think I have— I'm pretty sure if you go to alexstar.com/75hard, I've made a, like, a little quick little PDF to break it down for everyone. They can go find, like, the podcast and he talks about it and stuff like that. I'm pretty sure that's the link. I'm checking real quick. Okay, that's what I did. Yeah, that is alexstar.com/75hard. We'll, we'll give it to you. It's got my before and after picture there too, so you can see the results of those.

Okay.

Um, And then the second thing, which I'm still doing, and this is drastic as well, is I don't use my phone on Saturdays. So Friday night, I put my phone in a drawer. It has to be out of the way, right? The biggest thing you can do for yourself for building good habits, right, is physical placement. So that's why at grocery stores, you know, they pay big dollar to be at eye level, right? Right. They know if it's at eye level, you have to pay a premium in a grocery store to get that. They know if you see it, you're more likely to buy it, right? Same thing with our life. If I see a cookie on the counter, I'm gonna want that cookie so bad every time you go buy the cookies. Yeah, but if I don't see them, I really forget about them. Same thing with my phone, I realized. So Friday night, I put my phone in a drawer on airplane or, uh, usually do not disturb, so at least I can see the calls on Sunday. And then, yeah, all Saturday I don't have my phone with me. I don't have it on me. I all of a sudden find myself picking up my guitar. I start reading more books than I wanted to. I start meeting up with people that I hadn't seen in a while, start going for walks. So, um, that is a drastic way to like every week resetting yourself, giving yourself space to process the week in like a true, true way.

Wow.

Um, huge.

That's hard.

Yeah, but so yeah, it is. No, it is, because like Saturday morning you'll get up at least I do. And, uh, first thing I do is I keep my phone out of my room at night, but I'll walk out to like where I keep it, my office, and I'll go start, you know, I want to go look at it.

Yeah.

And I realize, oh wait, it's Saturday. Um, okay, all right, well, uh, okay, well let me find something else to do then.

Right, right, right.

Just, you don't realize how addicted you are to it until it goes away, so you don't have it, right? 'til you don't have it. But God, the best thing for my mental health that—

okay, done—

is to have that. And then, um, yeah, the last thing along with mental health is, is microdosing shrooms. So speaking of psychedelics, so probably 2-3 times a week I just take— I honestly don't know the exact dose, and this isn't me saying you should go try drugs right away because these are, you know, powerful, powerful medicines— but for me personally and there's a lot of research that backs up psilocybin for antidepressant and anti-anxiety, um, conditions. And I take a very small amount that, um, has no perceptible effect on my, my, on my perception, right? Like, I, I didn't take one this morning, but if I did, I really wouldn't be able to tell, and you wouldn't be able to tell. But it has very subtle effects over time that I just noticed I feel much lighter. I don't know how else to describe it except for I feel lighter. Things that had a— things in life that have a certain heaviness to them, right, that we seem to create the heaviness, they— I was able to see them much more objectively. And I just feel lighter when I'm taking those small amounts, like 2, 3 times a week.

Wow.

Yeah. So that, that's huge. Obviously, if you're going to go down that route, do your own research. You know, get it from someone you trust or grow it yourself. And then the thing I'm doing this year, Travia, that's been absolutely insane is I realized how I don't, you know, I was starting to make, you know, I like doubled or tripled my income this past year. And I still really wasn't giving much of it away because I still was in that hoarding mentality of just thinking, well, I still don't, I still have student I have debt to pay back. Like I can't give money away until I have my, I have to take care of my student loans first. Like all these different things. But I just realized that that was kind of dumb and silly and that I'm probably never going to get to the point, you know, where I don't have things to take care of or finance little things that I want to do. So this year I started implementing $100 a month that I have to give away mandatory. At least $100, have to give it away. I have to buy somebody a gift. I gotta do something like that. And that has been so much fun to do, making it that I have to give and I track it. And so like I bought, I visited my fiancée's nephews who are now, you know, soon to be my nephews. And they were talking about how much they love birds. So when I was at their house, I was like, you know, it'd be cool to get them, they make these really cool bird houses that you can actually suction cup to the windows and they have a double-sided mirror so you can see the birds like make their nest and raise their babies. They can't see you. Yeah, super cool. And I'm sitting there on the couch going, uh, you know, man, it'd be so cool that, you know, they would love that. And I was like, yeah, they would. Okay. And then I thought, wait a second, I have to spend $100 on other people. I'll buy them it and have it sent to them. Yeah. So that's been super enjoyable, much more enjoyable. Like almost like the best $100 of my month is— I'll probably— and I think in every 6 months I'll just raise that until I get to like $1,000 a month.

I'm right away Oh, that's so cool because nothing makes you feel better than contribution, right? Contributing to the lives of other people, you know, the 6 human needs.

Yeah. And like, I have always heard that and I understand that. And but I never really implemented that.

Okay.

Just, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, you know, Gandhi quotes and, you know, all those Instagram quotes and the books, it's like, you know, yeah, giving back is the best way to give to yourself and all those things. Now, okay, yeah, for sure. I know that, of course. But I wasn't doing anything about it. Right, right, right.

So cool. So cool.

Yeah.

So I know because you always get to a point, it's like, oh, after this, when I get this much amount of money, then I'm going to start giving back. It's always after this or when this. So, yeah, I love that. You know, it's just like if you're not religious, it's just like tithing, you know? So, yeah. So very cool. So Alex, I would love to dive into your book. I know you spoke a bit about it in the very beginning, but, you know, if somebody has, you know, the idea that they want to write a book right now, if you would just kind of quickly share your process, how long it took you to get it out, what did that look like for you?

Right. Yeah. So first of all, this is the easiest. If people are listening and you're thinking about writing a book, are you, Travia Steward, at all?

Yeah, I am actually.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

So I'll just tell you, this is all for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, it's good. Yeah, that's what podcasts are great for. You can have people on and learn a lot and learn stuff from. I do that all the time with mine too. Yeah. So it's never been easier to put a book out. Now, it's never been simpler. How about that?

Okay.

To put a book out. However, it's not going to be easy to put a quality book out. And I feel like what I— the amount of time I spent in my book is— I feel very proud of the book. Are there things that I wish I could go back and, oh, change this and change this, like any creative process. Sure, it's a quality book, um, and you can put one out for less money and less time than you think. Um, it is simple now. It's extremely simple, right? Um, what you want to do if you're— this is nonfiction, right? So nonfiction, it took me about 2 years total from like the day I sat down and started writing my first word until the day it was published was about 2 years. You can shorten that. Um, but really, just like any creative project, make a rough outline. And man, I— you know what's funny? I think I literally made another, like, uh, I think I made a, a guide for this too, if I'm not mistaken. I've been working on my website a lot. Okay, so if you go to, if you go to alexstar.com/bookoutline This is the outline that I used, um, and you can get it there. And basically, just like with any— if you're starting a business, if you want to start a podcast, you want to write a book, whatever it is, even like dating, you could do this, right? You want to set some general guidelines first, right?

Right.

The person I want to date, this is the type of book I want. The worst thing you can do is sit down and just start writing, and that's what I thought you were supposed to do, right? You sat down, just start writing, get the words out. My buddy Greg, who is a world-class editor, USA Today bestselling editor who helped me with my book, he was like, no, you're an idiot. Don't do that. I was like, okay. What do I do, man? So you want to use this outline. You want to use an outline that breaks down what your reader wants. What is the goal for the reader at the end of the book when they set it down? What did they get out of it? Break down the chapters. What are some of the supporting stories you're going to use? And so on and so forth. Then once you have the outline, right, same way that you know the type of partner you're looking for— I want someone with a good sense of humor, I want this, I want that— okay, now you can go start going on dates, right? Now I'll start sitting down and writing the book. So, um, you know, I word vomited stuff out for about 6 months to a year, small bits a day. The biggest tip for getting the thing done that is hard to get done The number one tip for that is do not put down your goal for the day is to write 500 words. I guarantee you, you probably won't get it done. Okay, if you do get it done one day, you won't be able to get it done consistently, right? Your goal for today— your goal for the day is to sit down and write one word. And that's what— that's what— that's what I told myself every day after I fucked up for like a month straight, right? So I'll do 1,000 words today, and it never happened, right? Um, I told myself, today is a success if at 7 in the morning you sit down, you write one word.

Okay. For the book.

Now, I always wrote more than a word. Sometimes it was a few sentences and sometimes it was a few pages, right? I always accomplished my goal. And then my brain started to say, oh damn, you're someone who does what they say they're gonna do.

Yeah, right.

And then it starts building this like very positive momentum and feeling within you that you're always making progress, which makes you sit down more and more every day and write more. Because I'm accomplishing the goal of just doing one word every day.

Absolutely.

So that's applicable to a lot of things. And then from there, you need to, you know, then you edit it and find a good editor and copy editing and proofreading and editing it yourself more and doing that. And then you find a good designer and cover designer and you self-publish. I self-published. I highly recommend that. I know people have gone the traditional route, and that's good for certain ways if your goals are a little more broad distribution off the bat. But you have complete control over self-publishing. You can make it look like it's published by a real publisher. Like, I mean, you saw my book on the inside, it says Wingrave Publishing. That's, that's me, right?

Yeah.

$5 to make that logo.

Oh, wow. Okay.

I bought wingravepublishing.com, and now I'm Wingrave Publishing. But no one knows the difference. Huh.

Yeah, I would have never thought of that.

Yeah. So, so it's very simple now. It'll probably cost to do it right $3,000 to $5,000 to do it right.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow.

Thank you for sharing that. I'm definitely going to go to your website, you know, Outline, Book Outline, and download that myself because it is so something that I have all these stories in my head that I was like, oh my God, these are such life lessons, you know, especially with things with my mom. So Alex, you know, one more time, I just absolutely loved your book. I love that you are a proponent for rewriting the rules for your life. You know, my whole thing is I help people reinvent themselves, which is, you know, just another one way of saying rewrite the rules for your life, you know, according to your own terms, you know. And so I love that you and I have that in common. So from the Alex Starr perspective, what would you say is the process if someone came to you, say, hey man, how can I rewrite the rules to my life? What, you know, where do I start? I have no idea what to do. What would be your suggestions?

I would ask, when's the last time you went a day without your phone?

Okay.

And I'm dead serious. I think a lot of times When I'm feeling that way in my life and I'm feeling a little lost and confused, most of the time it's because I haven't given myself space to let my intuition, my soul, my spirit, whatever you want to call it, to let that be heard. Because that's a, that's a very small whisper, and there's a lot of things in life that are very, very loud. Our phone is very loud, like Netflix is very loud. Our family and friends that are asking us for things sometimes are very loud, right? And, uh, you'll get lost in that if you let it. You'll get lost. You'll lose track of who you are and where you wanted to go in the first place because there's a million people that want your dollar and there's a million people that want your time. And if you don't separate from that, of course you don't know what the fuck you're doing or where you're at. So that would honestly be my first—

okay.

My first recommendation is put the phone down, take a day, take a weekend, go out for a walk in nature, go on a trip by yourself, go for a long walk for 3-4 hours around your neighborhood, right? It doesn't have to be anything complicated. Um, sit in your backyard and stare at the tree for a few hours, you know, and bring a journal with you, right? Just can't have any electronic devices near you for at least a half day, maybe a day. And, uh, and get clear on some stuff, you know, wipe the windshield a little bit. And I like that. The path becomes much more clear after that.

Right. So I know you're really, really big on intuition, you know, like, you know, I want to dive into, you know, the chapter is called Intuition. I totally, I love how you wrote that, you know, and this, this, this sounds so awful, but I laughed out loud in the book. Will you please, without giving away everything, but I want you to talk, like touch on your, you have this dance partner, you're in Antigua, right? Outside of Guatemala City. You get in a car with your dance partner and these other people. And you're like, you know, shut up, Brandon. I want to, I want to listen to my dick right now.

You know, it's like, oh my God. Basically.

Yeah. Talk to how did you, how were you able to go? No, no. My intuition. What is my intuition saying right now? Because that just could have been a good time, you know, What was it that you were going through mentally that helped you to make that decision?

I mean, it's, yeah, that's funny. Yeah. So as a little bit of a context, yeah, I was dancing with a long-haired brunette in Antigua, which is like kind of a somewhat, it's a very, it's a colonial town party destination outside of Guatemala City. I used to spend my winters in between firefighting, I would spend my winters going to South America to learn Spanish and travel around and things like that. And, uh, yeah, there was this, you know, pretty girl that wanted to go home with me, so, um, I said sure. And yeah, I found myself kind of like we were talking about, where the club was loud, right? Like, literally, we were talking about how life can be loud. Okay, well, the club I was in was literally really fucking loud, right? And there's all— and there's alcohol and there's girls and you're just dancing, and it's just so many things going on, pulling you in a million different directions like we were talking about. And then you get outside and she's like, oh, come hang out with us back at this party. Yeah, cool, awesome. And then it was really once that door shut of the car and there's now 5 of us in this car— same thing, very good metaphor back to the phone is left at home and you're out on a walk by yourself, right? And, uh, all of a sudden things got very quiet. And all of a sudden that voice that once again is a whisper compared to the rest of life, and especially a loud club and pretty girls and alcohol all of a sudden I could hear it, you know. All of a sudden it was quiet. The door of the car shut. I'm there with 5 people in the car that I don't know, speaking a language that I was somewhat beginning to learn. And we were now taking off to an undisclosed location that I had no idea where it was, right? And, uh, that whisper was finally able to be heard, and then that whisper grew into a loud enough voice to overcome my hormones and alcohol to get the hell out of the car.

Right, right.

And I don't know if anything actually would have happened in that case, but, but man, it was— by the time that we were like a minute down the road bouncing over those cobblestone streets, I— it was yelling at me to, to get out of the car, and I was actually able to hear it.

Wow. How did you learn to hear that? Like, like even today, there are some things where I go, I feel it in the pit of my stomach, but I want to fight against that. How do you know without a doubt? Just because it starts screaming so loud? How does Alex know?

Probably— I know more when the more I'm fighting against it.

Okay.

Usually, because usually the intuition for me, it doesn't mean that it's easy, right? And it doesn't mean that it's— I think sometimes we think intuition is rainbows and butterflies and unicorns.

Yeah.

And if it's your intuition, then it's, you know, go with the way that the, the direction that the world is pointing you, you know, things always happen for a reason. And a lot of those very fluffy things. Yeah. Your intuition might tell you you need a divorce. Is that going to be fun?

No.

Is that going to be easy? No. Intuition might tell you to write a book. There's a lot of ups and downs to that. Intuition might tell you a lot of things, right? And, uh, a lot of times when you hear that voice, it's a whisper and you don't want to hear it because it usually means it's going to be something that's going to make you uncomfortable. It's going to put stuff out into the light that you've been trying to cover up for a long, long time.

Yeah.

And so usually when I hear that voice and then I initially hear the other voice going going, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, uh, let's not do that. Yeah, that sounds petrifying. Then deep down I know that that is the action I need to take. Now I still will sometimes resist it for a year, 2 years, 3 years. I resisted going to Muay Thai class because I don't know, I had this weird thing about like going and doing fighting classes. I have no idea why. Literally for 4 years until last month, I put off going to Muay Thai class because even though I knew it's something I need to do, I put it off for 4 years I had some weird resistance to it. So I thought it was gonna be scary. Okay, finally went last month. So, you know, yeah, I think it's just knowing that it might be something you don't want to hear, right? I mean, you don't have to do it.

Yeah, I love that. Like, one of the quotes from your book is, we hide from the discomfort of hearing our intuition, because we don't want to hear the uncomfortable truth. What is that? That you're living the life— that you're not living the life you want. And so when you're like, put your phone away, you know, go sit outside, stare at the trees, and then let that rise, you're not living the life that you want. Oh my goodness. That, that's a powerful quote, Alex. I mean, that's where I was, you know, and it's sort of like, you know, how do you follow that when you have bills, when you have a family, you know, I'm not talking about being in the 20s now. How do you follow that? Not living the life that you want when you have responsibility.

I mean, I think a lot of it— and yeah, I mean, I, I'm not at the point that I have kids yet, but definitely more responsibility now than when I was 24. Um, but I think a lot of it too is like, like for instance, using my Muay Thai example, that makes no difference whether I'm 22 or I'm 32 or 42 or 52. Right, like we, we all have things that we— that I think we use our responsibilities as an out. And I think that sometimes is the most pervasive thing, is you use the excuse of, I got kids, I totally would. It's like, okay, it's like I have friends who do this all the time, right? You go to a party, you're at somewhere, or, or you invite some people to a party and they say, you know what, I, I can't make it, you know, the kids. And I, I think to myself, I'm like, I know you, and I know you're just using it as an excuse to not go, which maybe they don't want to go, and that's fine. But in the same way, I think a lot of times we use our kids, or we use the significant other, or we use our living situation, or we use a million other things that I'm guilty of as well, as like, well, that's why I can't do it. Yeah, that's why I can't make it happen. Like the Muay Thai one, for instance, I used money as an excuse for years. It's like $200 a month. I spent that amount of money on beer every single month. Yeah, myself. I couldn't afford to do Muay Thai, right?

What?

Every single month. So a lot of— 90% of it's complete bullshit, I think. Um, now can you go travel the world for 2 years straight with 3 kids? I'd probably— I don't know, that's going to be a little bit different story. But the little things that are going to make just as big of a difference without leaving home It's an excuse, I think. Mostly.

Got it. Okay.

Okay.

I get that. Yeah.

I don't have kids, so take it with a grain of salt. I don't know.

Right, right, right.

It's like, who is this guy? In 20 years, I'm gonna have a kid and then, yeah, I'm gonna be like, wow, I was an idiot. I didn't know anything.

But yeah. Or maybe not. Maybe the kids go with you. Right. So I love this.

Setting that example. There's always a way.

There is always a way. I love that. Another thing you talk about in your book is patterns of thinking that served you at one time. I, that is such a big foundation of my coaching because every thought or series of thoughts have something to do. They're responsible for the actions or, or the, the place where you are in your life. How did you get to a point of this belief? These thoughts are no longer serving me. How did you know that, that it's like, oh shit, it's this fucking thought I'm having. And I've got to now replace that. How did you know? Like, give me an example of maybe one thought, if one is popping up right now, when you're talking about replacing that that's no longer serving you, and how did you do that? Yeah.

I mean, one was a big one was, I mean, I have it. So I have a fiancée now, like I've mentioned. And a big one for me, from about 22 until I was about 28, I was single and loved a lot of it.

Right.

You know, and just, um, over, over time, being single for that long, just like with anything, you become that person because you are that person, and then you reflect it back to yourself. So not only was I literally single, but then I was also the single guy to myself, which then I then became the single friend to all of my friends. Right. So when I'd get invited to weddings, I wouldn't get a plus one because they knew I was Alex, who, you know, was always single. Yeah. And, um, friends, you know, friends' girlfriends and fiancées and wives would always be trying to set me up with their friends because I was the single bachelor that they wanted to set me up with. And, and then that's who I was, right? And then we start to, we start to build this identity and we build the story around who we were in the past perhaps, and who we think we are and who we are now. And it becomes a nice little solidified box, right? And so I met my fiancée when I first moved to Austin about 3 years ago, and we started dating. But, you know, I could tell there was a block in my head that was telling myself, well, you can't get a girlfriend because you're the single guy.

Mm-hmm.

Like there was that, that there was like that identity, like, uh, um, mental, uh, cognitive dissonance, you know, where I was the single guy that was now trying to be in a relationship. And my brain, I could tell, was kind of freaking out about that, you know? Right. This doesn't compute. This isn't who you are. And so, um, me doing two things. One, it's kind of like I've mentioned, taking a lot of time to like reflect on that. And then I did take a little bit of shrooms to like break I know I keep bringing it up, but like, it doesn't have to be shrooms. That, that's what works for me to get to that place much quicker. But it's just a way that you have to, like, you have to cut through the 10 layers that you've built up, right? And, and the mind's very complex and very smart way of contriving and putting together these pieces of your identity so you think it's really true. And unless you do something like that to, to cut through all that and, and, and kind of peel it all back and expose the inside and go, wait a second, I, I was the single guy for 5 years. It doesn't mean I have to continue being the single guy.

Absolutely.

And I do want to continue dating her, and all I got to do is just make that decision, and nobody else really fucking cares, right? Nobody else cares. Only thing that's holding me back is the, the identity of who I thought I was and who I think I am. And once I was able to like see that clearly and shine a light on it, then I just went, okay, well, I'm just going to make the decision to take this other path. Yeah, I didn't think about it again. And then all of a sudden now we're engaged. So that was a huge one for me.

Nice. Congratulations. Thank you for sharing that. Thanks. You know, I love the amount of metaphors you use in the book. So for just what you're talking about, where you said, It's stopping new trees from growing.

Yeah.

That's so powerful.

Yeah, that's true. It's like the fire, and I use the trees because of the firefighting aspect of it. But yeah, you know, in a forest fire, the reason why there's such huge forest fires, a big component of it is that we never allowed a lot of these smaller fires to burn. The forest have these massive amounts of underbrush, right?

Right.

And usually a small fire will come through, it'll light all of that underbrush, and it'll leave the big strong trees— want fire and they're used to fire. They got bark that's a thick, you know, wide or thick. And once you stop laying, those smaller fires go through and start to burn off some of that, that old dead wood. Then you have these huge infernos that just come through and wreck everything. So in the same way, yeah, we— if you don't take the time to do that cleaning, right? If you don't take the time to spend some time with yourself, go meditate, go for a walk in nature, do those things, then yeah, you'll maybe be 10 years down the road with waking up next to someone you hate with 3 kids you didn't want and 9 to 5 that depresses you. Because you never cleaned that stuff out and never burnt it off to leave, like, yeah, the strong trees of who you actually are left.

Right. Oh, that's so good. I love that. Yeah. I loved every one of your metaphors in the book.

Thanks.

Yeah. And so, you know, you gave a lot of good relationship advice in there as well, you know, meeting people, the whole saying yes. What I really loved was, you know, because I see this in so many of my coaching clients, was when people who are encountering new things and assuming they're either not good enough or they're not qualified enough, and then pretty much establishing that whole attitude, mental attitude and mindset. And then they end up, you know, struggling in that. Can you talk to that for a little bit? You know, just how did that, like, why was that such a strong topic or point in your book?

Yeah, I mean, interpersonal relationships have more of an indication for long-term health and happiness than almost any other variable. More than cholesterol, alcoholism, diet, exercise— they all pale in comparison to the strength of your interpersonal relationships. Yeah, and that by far, when I reflected on my life the number one thing in my life is really— and we all know that, but once again, sometimes we neglect it and we focus on other things that, um, we think will bring us that, that true hap— or just, just more of a feeling of contentment and connection. Um, and, uh, and I think a lot of people that I talked to were also struggling with that, and there was a lot of people You know, there's so many things that I suck at. There's so many things, Travia, that I'm not good at at all. Like chess is one, math, I'm terrible. I mean, that's just terrible. Yeah. And, uh, but building, building and making and keeping friends is not one of those things. And so though I realized that was one of the main things that people were coming to me asking, like, how do you, how do you meet all these people? And like, how do you stay in touch with them? I was like, yeah, text them and stuff, call them on their birthdays.

Yeah.

Um, and they're like, call them on their birthdays.

What?

Call them on their birthdays.

Yeah.

So, um, I just, I saw how much of a need there was for that and how much it truly changes everything about your life when you just got a few homies to hang out with and that, that you're connected with and you know you can count on. Uh, it makes all the difference in the world.

Yeah. Oh, I love that. I love, and I am going to I'm going to, well, should I say steal it? I should say steal it. Yeah. The say yes to everything. That is so like, like even if I thought of applying that to myself, I'm like, oh my goodness, because there's so many times that we stop ourselves, you know, cause I know you experienced the whole thing. I think it was, you know, was it, you were in your twenties probably. Tell us what it was like when you were saying yes to everything and what a profound impact that had on your life. And your relationships.

Yeah, the yes thing is like a, um, it's like a Snickers bar or something that you want to do, you know, it's like when you need that boost. It's not something that's sustainable. You don't want to be eating Snickers every day for the rest of your life, right? You say yes for like, you choose 30 days. I think in the book I have a 30-day like kind of challenge thing. And yeah, 30 days when I moved to Austin 4 years ago, I didn't I have a job. I knew one person from high school that was here really, so I had no network, and I was running on credit cards. I had no money at all, and I had no prospect of a job, and I just got done firefighting. I was going to try and go into the tech space, right? And so, um, I needed that boost. I needed like that Snickers bar. And so yeah, by saying yes to random things, literally like poetry readings, they were dates I went on that I probably shouldn't have been on. Um, so like some friends I just met said, we're going to salsa lessons on Tuesday, you want to go? And I said, sure. I showed up and I sat in my car for 10 minutes debating whether I wanted to go inside or not because I, you know, there's that resistance that comes in that's like, you're going to look like an idiot. And I did look like an idiot for sure. And I did. And all the other guys there were so good at salsa. And as the guy you're leading the dances, I don't know how to lead, and it's just embarrassing as a guy trying to lead salsa. It's just a— it's, yeah, it's very like, uh, emasculating to like to be in that situation. But, um, but yeah, each time it just like, it kind of just builds up your like courage reserves of like, yeah, I can do this, and oh, I didn't die, okay, cool, I can do this, and oh, look at that, I didn't die. And then by the end of the month, you know, that I, I— there's people that are invited to my wedding that I met in that month.

Wow.

People, yeah, legitimately, um, like probably 5 or 6 people. And, um, it really just— because the yes just creates a spiral of momentum that you can launch from. Once again, I didn't keep it up forever because I also spent way too much money in a month. Yeah, I didn't have— but, um, you just build so much momentum. You build so much momentum with yourself doing new things. You build so much momentum on taking action. You build so much momentum in like building confidence and courage. And you build so much momentum in meeting new people and hearing about new things. It literally is just like a shot of adrenaline for almost every aspect of your life to do it for a short amount of time.

Right. Very cool. I love that. Absolutely love that. So just two more questions before we wrap it up. So, you know, you said you sat in that car and you were like, oh my God, I'm going to look like an idiot. Did you have a little bit of that imposter syndrome in writing your first book?

Yes. Oh, for sure.

Yeah. What did that look like? How did it— how did it come to the surface?

It didn't come to this. It didn't need to come to the surface. I think it just hung out at the surface for a long time. Yeah, I mean, it, um, it's, it's kind of like, you know, the hero's journey, or just like the creative process, right? Where you first you're excited, then you realize how hard it's going to be, then you start to doubt everything, then you start to make progress, then you kind of hit the next peak. And definitely, probably after like the first 50 pages that I wrote, um, I hit up my friend Greg, who's the editor and was walking me through the process. And I said, dude, I'm over it. And he was like, he's like, go on. Greg's always so good about this too. Go on. Yeah, he doesn't, he doesn't give you his opinion until he's done asking you a lot of questions to like get you to say it. And I was like, dude, I hate it. It's stupid. No one's going to want to read it. It's like the same stuff. I simul— it's simultaneously like too different and weird while being the same thing that everyone's already, already read before. It like, I mean, just going on and on and on. And there was silence on the phone, and Greg went, mm-hmm. And I was like, yeah, that's about it, man. And he goes, perfect. And I'm like, what do you mean perfect? And he said, if you weren't having these feelings, I'd be concerned that you weren't writing anything worth putting out.

Got it.

And I said Really? And he said, yeah, you're definitely on the right track, keep going. I gotta go, bye. And that was it.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, and so it can't— yeah, it comes in stages, you know. And even right before I put it out, like really launched it to people, it, uh, it came out then too, you know, like, oh my God, I'm about to put something out that's going to be out for the rest of my life. My grandkids read this thing, you know. Is it really perfect? You know, do I— maybe I should go change I was sitting up, my friend saying, I think I need to change, I need to change this paragraph, I need to change this wording. Like, no, you don't, don't touch it, no, don't, don't do anything. Um, and then even now sometimes I look at it and I'm like, man, is that— God, I wrote a good— so some days I wake up and I go— so sometimes I'll look at the book and I'll go, I'll read a section, I'm like, damn, I'm good, I wrote that so well.

Yeah.

And then other times I pick up the book and I look at the same section, I'm like This sucks. I should have— I didn't write that good enough. This is terrible. Yeah, this is a garbage book. So it just kind of, you know, depends. But yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Oh, stuff comes up.

Yeah, totally get that because I'm still experiencing that myself, you know. So, Alex, what's next for you? You've written a book, you're lowly 32. What's your next big thing?

I'm, I'm super excited about launching a, basically a Rewrite the Rules community. So if you go to alexstar.com, I'm putting together a way, you know, there's so many people that they want to rewrite the rules, but they don't know how to implement it in terms of their finances, how to like actually build the money that funds that type of lifestyle, and then be around a community of people like we were talking about earlier that are actually doing that as well for support and really you know, just taking those steps to kind of get off of autopilot. So I'm launching that. And so if you go to alexstar.com and if you join the newsletter, I'm going to be announcing it, you know, throughout that in the next few months here.

Cool.

And then besides that, probably starting on my next book and getting married this year. So, you know, wow, that's— those are the big things.

That's big.

That's big. Yeah. And then, yeah, selling, you know, 10,000 copies of the book is the goal. I'm at about 1,000 right now. So, just, yeah, selling enough books as possible and getting as many hands as possible.

Boom. Well, I'm hoping that this podcast episode helps with that because I think it's a fantastic book. You know, I've learned that I don't like to open a book and physically read it anymore. I listen to audiobooks. But of course yours— so this is what it's saying, this is how big this is, because I haven't physically read a book probably in over a year. And I was like, shit, there's no audio version, damn it, because it's too new. And I was like, I gotta really flip the page— well, it's Kindle, but you know, like swipe, you know. But I read it, yeah, I read it in one night and was still just going like— I mean, I think it was like 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm still—

I'm, I'm in bed with my phone, you know, of course I'm going Oh yeah, yeah.

And I mean, I just, I loved it. All caps, loved it, you know. So kudos to you for writing such a great book.

Thank you so much. I, I, I truly, truly appreciate it. Nothing makes me happier than that. Like, I have done so many times lay in bed trying to finish a book that I was really enjoying, that what you just said, like, just makes— yeah, that makes me very happy that you were late at night trying to finish my book is so cool.

Yeah. Toothpicks under my eyelids. Yeah. Well, Alex, you know, as we wrap up, what is your preferred method if people want to contact, connect with you? Like all the links that you've dropped, I will include those. But what's your preferred method of having people connect with you?

Instagram. I try and just only be active on Instagram because the rest is too many to manage. So Alex H Starr with two Rs. And then, um, you know, yeah, I have my podcast is Rewrite the Rules, um, with Alex Starr. And then yeah, the, uh, I put out a weekly newsletter where I have tons of the same type of mindset things. I put books and people I'm listening to, um, that'll help you kind of live on your own terms. Um, so you can get that at alexstarr.com too and sign up for the, for the email.

Nice. I love that. Hell, I'm gonna go sign up too.

I love that.

Well, Alex, thank you so much. This This has been such a great conversation, such a privilege for me to get to— I enjoy nothing more these days than talking about this stuff now. And these are the kinds of conversations that I've always wanted to have just with friends, hanging out or having a beer. But they're like, what? That's too much. I love the conversation that we just had. So thank you so much for this.

Me too. Yeah, thanks for having me on. Very well done and like great questions and everything. So I really appreciate it. It was fun.

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