The Confidence Boost We Forget | Hidden Secrets for Confidence | Boosting Tips You're Missing

What's up, my peeps? Happy Podcast Thursday. Today we're talking about the thing that you probably didn't know, or maybe you knew in the back of your mind, but it probably was not on like the tip of your tongue. Like, this is an idea that I want to make sure I work. So I'm going to be talking about what is that thing that you didn't know that will also help you become more confident. Welcome to Lead with Confidence Now. I'm your host, Travia Steward, the reinvention expert and performance coach with over 27 years of helping people decide who they want to be and then step into that and live into it.

I will show up here to give you the tools to transform your relationships, your career, and your whole life by building the confidence you need to make those decisions. Today's episode will show you how confidence grows, not in isolation, but through community and connection. All right, my peeps, let's dive in. So to begin with, I know that, you know, a lot of people think, hey, confidence is something you're born with, or there are some people out there who, who think confidence, you're— that it's something that you're not born with. I am someone, you know, who believes that you're born with it. And then as you get older, I believe you're conditioned and socialized out of it. Like, I believe these things happen in our lives that, you know, form these negative impactful feelings within us that stop us from being confident about that thing. I believe that we are born with it. I believe that when we're born with it, it's always there.

Lying within us.

And then sometimes we just have to peel back that onion, peel back the layers of the social, the socialization and the conditioning that stole that confidence away. When I think about confidence, I believe that it is a skill. I believe it's a skill that you can enhance. I believe it's something that, that needs to be done through repetition. The more you go out and talk, the more you interact, the more you engage with people, your confidence absolutely grows. I believe also that confidence is not like a fixed personality type. I think confidence looks different on so many different people because I believe different people show their confidence in so many different ways. We want to practice connecting with each other because I don't believe that we were meant to be isolated and to be alone. And through interacting with other people, these repeated interactions, your confidence muscles grow just like your muscles grow. Like when you're going to the gym, we don't go out and talk to one person and go, oop, I've got a massive amount of confidence now. It's, it's a continual process, just like you don't go to the gym and then do 10, you know, 10 reps of bicep curls and go, oh, there's my bicep, here it is. Now we wish it would happen like that, of course. That's what the first point I want to make about, you know, that it is a skill. I believe we were born with it, but I believe that you can develop it and increase it and enhance it through talking and connecting with other people. The second thing I want to emphasize is that if we approach connecting with someone else as an opportunity to grow your inner confidence, I believe we're growing it because of the perspective that we're having. So when we're going into conversations, like there are some times when, when truth be told, you know, I will be like, ooh, I have to talk to this person today. And I don't, you know, that I don't want them to steal my joy, but you know, we're all in control. No one can make us feel any kind of way without our permission. So no one can steal our joy. Without us giving them permission to do it. So if we flip the script right from the beginning and go, I'm going to go into this conversation as an opportunity to grow my inner confidence, and then every conversation becomes an opportunity to grow. Even like the smallest conversations, the smallest engagements, whether you're walking your dog and you talk to a neighbor for 30 seconds, Just asking someone how their day is, complimenting, you know, a stranger, reinforcing even their sense of worth, that also helps to build your social skills. It helps to build your confidence. These small moments add up over time. I want you to think about, how do I do this? How do I get comfortable with engaging in conversation, For instance, if, you know, you identify as an introvert. I don't want to talk to people. I don't know what to say. I don't have anything in common with that person. Well, the thing that always works for me is you begin to be curious about that other person. Because people's favorite subject, most people, well, I don't know about most people, but some people will not admit this because we're all vain in a way. Every person that I know every person's favorite thing to talk about is themselves. So when you are going into that conversation as an opportunity to grow, and then you're being curious, you know, whether you start the conversation on, hey, where did you get that shirt? I really love your hair like that. Ooh, that hair color, you know, what is it? You know, what about, you know, tell me about your dog. If that other person is walking a dog, people love to talk about themselves and their lives. Especially if it's focused and they have a dedicated ear to listen to someone who is asking. People want to talk. They want to talk. And so using this as an opportunity to be curious instead of going into different situations, like, you know, I'm an introvert and I have anxiety. I don't know what to say. Focus on that small detail of being curious. Just being curious, simply asking someone how was their day, even something as simple like that. And then the third point that I want to make with this topic that I think is so important, especially in building confidence, is especially after COVID, you know, this started during COVID in 2020, that I believe that we, you know, so many of us got used to and got comfortable being isolated in our home. I was transitioning from high school teacher in 2020 to full coach and speaker. And I remember the students who I saw after the isolation, they're like, you know, these are theater students and they were like, "I don't feel like I know how to talk to people anymore. I don't feel like I'm as confident as I was when I was in school, when I was on stage doing these things." One of the most powerful things is that we have to recognize that we were built and created and made to be in relationship with each other.

We were not made to be isolated. I believe that humans thrive, humans crave community and connection because we all crave love, right? We all crave love. We want love. We want to be accepted. We want to be, you know, we want to be safe. We want to feel like we are enough. And so through these conversations and interacting with other people, you know, especially in conversations that challenge us, that motivate us, that invigorate us. You know, I was just like, right before I recorded this podcast, I was like, this is the perfect time to record this podcast because as, you know, a speaker and a coach, I do a lot of my work from home. You know, there are times when I go, I'm out there and I do like a networking event or, you know, I will meet someone for, for lunch or, you know, grab a drink or whatever. But I know myself that I am more alive when I'm interacting with other people. Now that doesn't mean I don't need to fill my cup. I love to be, you know, I identify primarily as an extrovert, but I'm also an extrovert who knows when she needs to fill her cup. When I'm like, okay, I've been an extrovert for these straight up 3 weeks in the month. This one week, I don't need to go out there. I don't need to go hang out with people because now I need to focus on my self-care and what I need to take care of myself so that I could fill my cup so that I'm not coming from a place of, you know, I ain't got time to listen to you. You know, I don't wanna hear your problems. I got problems of my own. I'm tired too. And so when you're coming from a pure place where your cup is full and now you're interacting and adding to that conversation, I believe it's a powerful, powerful connection and love and connection. Connecting with other people is my second highest value. I love it so, so much. I, you know, it just, it helps me to become alive and I know that that is where My happy place is 100%. You know, I have a client who at first it was like, you know, I work with, with primarily women, you know, who feel like they have to perform when they go and talk to someone. They have to like put on a mask, a metaphorical mask. Who is it that, you know, they ask themselves, who is it that I need to become in order to converse with this person? Who is it that I, you know, what are the opinions and the perspectives that I need to omit when I talk to this person? And so when it comes down to it, you don't want to have to put on masks. We don't want to have to pretend to be someone we're not. And that is a battle that I have been fighting almost my entire life. And I, I don't fight that battle anymore because I embrace who I am. I know the path that I'm supposed to walk now. I know what I was created to do. When it comes down to connecting with other people, engaging and being comfortable, it's about being comfortable with yourself. Control the conversation, whether you're being curious, you know, if you're not comfortable with someone else asking questions about you, then you just be curious about them. And then maybe the next time you go out and maybe you see that person again, maybe you are like, oh, okay. I had a good conversation with, with Myrtle on the, next corner. And, you know, I like her. And so many times I walked my dog by her house and never said a word, but, you know, I stopped and talked to her that one time. And I think she was, she was, she was really nice and she was cool peep. And so maybe now we're feeling a little more comfortable and now we can go, okay, I can let my guard down. I can take that mask off and I can stop, you know, seeing red and full of anxiety and go, How can I again approach this situation with an, as an opportunity to grow and with curiosity? Because in conversations, when we remember that we don't have to impress anyone, that we're not there to be this person that we're not comfortable being. I know this from experience because I was a person who did all these backflips. We're like, you know, who do I need to be? I want people to like me. They're not gonna like me if they know exactly who I am. In these conversations and in my life, if people don't like me and want to be around with me, be around me when I am being my true authentic self, those people are not my people. And it took me a long time to learn that lesson. So I'm encouraging you, when you are going up to interact with someone, if you feel the slightest inclination to hide something, to twist something, to omit something in order to please the other person, I want you to think twice about that and go, how can I lean in through curiosity as an opportunity to grow and really and truly be myself? Focus on these things and start asking more questions in conversations and just start listening. You become interested about that person's life, their work. What are they interested in? You never know, you might make a new friend. And so when we start building this muscle by connecting with one another, I believe we are fulfilling a need that we all have. We were made to be with other people. We weren't made to be hermits in our house, in a corner by ourselves. We were, we were meant to be in connection with other humans. And I 1000% believe that. When you think about connecting with other people, I want you to know that you can take very, very small steps, asking about someone's day, complimenting them something, you know, just being curious. And we can take one small step and develop this muscle of confidence through repetition. Because again, every conversation is an opportunity to grow your inner confidence. And it doesn't matter how big or how small it is. Even if you're, you're at work and you're going to the bathroom and you pass someone in, or, you know, maybe you are washing your hands at the sink and the other person's washing their hands at the sink. Maybe there's an exchange of a few sentences then. Just getting more comfortable doing these things. And then last but not least, I want to challenge you this week to engage with someone that, that you feel, I don't know what to say to that person. You know, that person, I don't know if we have anything in common. If you notice that you are making things up, if you are creating a story in your mind without the facts, we all create stories. Oh, oh, that person looked at me a certain kind of way, so I'm not gonna go over there talking to them because I know what they're thinking. I want you to challenge yourself by engaging with someone you don't normally talk to, someone you don't normally engage with, whether it's a neighbor, whether it's a colleague, maybe it's a friend you haven't spoken to in a while, but getting— this also helps us get outside of our comfort zone. And it again helps to build that muscle of repetition that helps to grow our overall confidence. So you want to ask questions, you want to listen, and you want to find opportunities to be curious. All right, my peeps, we will talk again next week.

Peace.