Your Best Friends Are Limiting Your Potential

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to effortlessly achieve their goals while other people struggle and never hit the outcomes that they really want? It could all come down to the company that you keep, the friends you spend the most time with. So stick around for this episode as we explore your friends and your associations, how they can either propel you closer to your goals or actually hold you back. This is Lead with Confidence Now, the podcast dedicated to helping you grow your confidence and live your Best Life. I'm Travia Steward, and for the past 27 years, I've been on a mission to help you reinvent yourself, to help as many people as possible reinvent their relationships and their careers. And my goal is to show up for you every week so that you can rock your world with the confidence to make the big changes and decisions you need to make in your life. Before I jump into this episode, I wanted to share with you, my peeps, that I am recording this episode from Bruges, Belgium. We are tomorrow, we will have been here for a full week and we spent the first couple of days in Ostend and it was so cool. We were right on the coast, the Belgian coast. The water was, it's, you know, reminded me of California. The water was cold, actually not quite as cold as the Pacific Ocean, but it was still too cold to like, and we didn't bring, you know, swimsuits swimsuits or anything like that, but it's just to hear the waves and the ocean sounds, you know, that is, you know, a point, a place in our lives that we just absolutely love. And at the beginning of the year, we always set these goals with, you know, like for instance, Shelly's thing is she wants to get to the water 4 times a year. Well, this is only our second time, and it's— the year is halfway here, but you know, it's, it's her second time, and then we have to put, uh, make sure two more times happen. But we started off the trip in Oosten, and then we are now in Bruges, and we're going to go to Antwerp and then Brussels. And so this has probably been the most relaxing, rejuvenating trip that I've taken, and I, I don't know if I can say ever, but in a very, very long time. And as you can see, I'm recording not from my office where I normally do my podcast, but I'm in a hotel in Bruges and I don't have my mic set up. I'm just using my Apple Podcasts, my Apple mic headphones as a matter of fact. And this is my third time recording this episode because I tried using my little speaker mic and it just sounded like crap. So you know what, I'm going with this one and I know the quality of the sound, it's not gonna be as, you know, good as I think it is, this on with my podcasting mic, but I want to be here for you and I don't want to skip a week, you know, because of, you know, some technical glitch or whatever. But, um, but yeah, I'm recording this, this episode from Bruges and it's been such a great experience being here. I traveled to the Netherlands last March and there were just some places in Belgium that we weren't able to, to visit and spend enough time in because we love to come, you know, visit places and immerse ourselves. Like, we don't have to see every single thing there is to see. My experience, my favorite part of being here is actually sitting down in the pub, sitting down having a, you know, a glass of beer, you know, a mug or whatever. And if I want to take out my computer and do a little bit of work, I can. And that is on my terms, and I love doing it. And I find that the people here have all been, you know, people pretty much stick to themselves, but everybody is nice. Like, if, you know, they share the road, there are, you know, if you are, you know, if someone is like bumping into you, whatever, you know, everybody says excuse me, that kind of thing. But I find them to be a very polite type of people, and I love that every— there's so many people, you know, It looks like it's a very active place, you know, where a lot of people are on bikes. You know, I don't see like a ton of cars. I mean, this is a small town. And so lots of people are out in the shops getting a drink, getting a bite, those types of things. But I tell you what, what I have noticed is there's a shit ton, a lot of people who smoke. And it's so crazy because in the States when we're sitting, you know, not necessarily like in the restaurant, we will, you know, not be surprised by someone at the next table who is like, you know, lighting up a cigarette. But here people can light up anywhere at the table next to you. It's not like there has to be a smoking section or anything. Sometimes I think I've sat down in the non-smoking section and then someone asked for an ashtray and it's a smoking section now. So I have found that to be, you know, I don't, I don't do cigarette smoke. So just, you know, to inhale that is, I don't love it, you know, but you know what, I'm in the people's land, so I gotta go by the people's rules. So anyway, I just wanted to share that little bit of information with you while I am here in Bruges. So what I really wanted to talk about today was, you know, everything that I, I do these podcast episodes about, or things that are prevalent in my life. There are reasons why I do these podcast episodes, because I always think if I'm going through it, there's one other person out there who is going through and needs to hear this, this experience as well. So we're going to talk about right now the people, the friends, the associations that you are spending the most time with. Are they propelling you forward towards your goals, or they're taking you further away? And so we're going to start with first by evaluating your friends and associations, like people that you spend the most time with, because you guys have heard, you know, I, I'm a firm believer And research shows that you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with. And some people have even gone further with you're the average of the 5 people's expectations of you, right? So if you're hanging out with people who don't expect you to do more than you're already doing, that can have an effect on whether or not you achieve your goals as well. I want you to think about the people that you spend the most time with, the people that you regularly see several times a week, especially every week. Are they supportive? Are they encouraging? Are they inspiring you? Or do they bring negativity and doubt? And do they distract you from a lot of the things that you want to do? And so again, we want to do this audit, do this assessment, because it matters who we are spending our time. And sometimes we're giving our best time and our best energy to people who just drain us. And so I did some research before this episode, and, you know, there was a psychologist from Harvard who showed that people who habitually associate— like, people that you habitually associate with will determine as much as 95% of your success or failure. So when we're talking about hitting goals, they determine a lot of your success. You know, for instance, if you hang around people who are highly motivated, they're goal-oriented, their habits and their attitudes will naturally influence your behavior. Like, an example of this is a couple of weeks ago I was having dinner with like 4 other people who were like fit, like they had hit their fitness goals. They didn't have a lot of body fat on them. I haven't totally gotten there. And so I'm still a work in progress. But we had all, you know, had a few drinks and we had dinner. And then, you know, I love the pizookies at like this place in Arizona called Oregano's. Um, BJ's, I think they called it like a pizza cookie or something like that, but it's like half-baked, like chocolate chip cookie. You put some vanilla ice cream on top and it's so good. Well, that day I wanted one of those and I You know, had I been with probably 3, 4, 5 different other different people, I probably would have ordered it. But they all said no. And then I looked at their physiques and their bodies and went, that's probably why they, you know, have the bodies that they have and why I'm sitting over here admiring their bodies. So because of their habits and their behaviors, I did not get the dessert that day because I was influenced by their habits and their behaviors. To skip that probably, you know, $2,000— 2,000-calorie dessert, you know. And so I also want you to think about how we're influenced by others, you know, and just being able to bounce ideas off of one another, you know, having an exchange of ideas. And so when we talk about, you know, are we fueled by exchanging ideas with someone else, because there's so many times in life where You can't— you don't think of every single thing, and then one person can come in from the outside and go, oh my God, this is a great idea, right? And they give you an idea that fuels and catapults your success like rocket fuel, right? So thinking about these conversations and the people that, you know, inspire and motivate you to do better. The second part of that equation I want to talk about is When you're talking to these people, what are you actually talking about? When you're spending the time with them, these conversations with your friends, your significant other, your, your associations, people you associate with, do you find yourself reminiscing about the past or, you know, brainstorming about something that's going to happen in the future? Because we all know that sharing old stories can be fun. You know, this is what it used to be like, and remember when you did such and such, right? That shit's funny. That shit can be fun. But constantly dwelling and staying there in the past, that anchors us to the past. We're always trying to just stay there and relive the past. And I, for one, do not want to relive the past. I want to have future-oriented discussions with the people that I'm spending time with, which ignites my creativity and my ambition, and it just lights a spark under me, you know. Um, Another researcher that I researched talked about the quality of our conversations playing a significant role in the overall happiness success, right? Because we all know that when we spend a lot of time with negative Nancys and negative Neds, and then we leave that venue feeling drained, feeling burnt out, we don't feel motivated when we spend a lot of time with a bunch of negative people who just want to rain on your parade and piss on your fire. I don't know anybody who would be rejuvenated after spending time in that presence. Because when you talk about your dreams and your goals and your aspirations and your plans with other like-minded individuals, that can help keep you motivated and focused. And if they're motivated, that within itself is even, even more motivating. You know, when you think about like one of the examples I read about was Steve Jobs before he passed, before he even started Apple. He and Steve Wozniak would spend hours and hours and hours discussing the future of technology, you know, before they co-founded Apple. You know, Apple revolutionized the tech industry. And so having these conversations with people who fire you up, who go, man, this is so great. I, you know, it was almost like they were expecting each other like to bring them up more and more and more and more. And I want to have people in my life who expect more of me, who expect me to be the difference maker, who expect me to be the positive one, who expect me to, to walk in with joy and positivity and optimism and possibility. That's what I want people to see and expect from me and to make situations better. And so are you spending time with people who don't expect anything of you? Or who expect less of you, or people who expect more of you, you know, because that can help, you know, help motivate you to be better than you were yesterday so that you can be better today. And so the third part of this, this episode I want to talk about is finding the people in your corner, your tribe, your peeps, the believers, people who will believe in you no matter what. Because everyone needs a cheerleader. Everyone needs someone in their life who sees their potential when you doubt yourself. Everyone needs someone in their life that encourages us, you know, to take risks. Because I can tell you right now, there's sometimes— I, you know, I know I can talk myself out of something, and I know lots of people who can do that. But if you have that person in your corner who is like, hey, I believe that you can do this. I see the potential in this. They encourage you to take the risk that you probably or maybe don't believe in yourself enough to take on your own. And so sometimes, you know, with these other people and our peeps, our supportive tribe, we need somebody to, you know, when we're having a bad day, maybe I just need a shoulder or so, but there needs to be a supportive comfort— comforting place to land as well, a place that gives you encouragement, you know, people in your life who have unwavering belief in you and your potential. That is a significant factor in your level of success. And I tell you what, if your current circle doesn't include people like that then you want to audit and assess and maybe even seek out new connections. I'm not saying that you break, break it off with these people, but maybe you don't spend as much time with them. Maybe you go in and pre-plan, you know, this is what I'm going to get out of the conversation, not leaving it to chance, but planning in advance. This is what I'm going to get out of it and making sure that that happens, you know. And so the quality of the conversations, the quality of the people, the quality of the questions that we ask ourselves daily have a huge effect on our level of success that we achieve in our life. And so if you don't have these people in your life, you may want to seek out groups, meetup groups, other communities with other like people of, you know, that, that, that share some interests with you that can inspire you to keep going. Because I can tell you, having that tribe, having a group of peeps who believe in you can make all the difference in your journey. To success. So I know that I am blessed to have, you know, my biggest cheerleader in my corner who thinks I hung the moon, who thinks, you know, I can— I mean, she knows I can do wrong but sees the greatness in me. And we all need people in our lives like that, people in our corner who we can go to. So To sum up this episode, my peeps, I want you to take a moment and do an audit, do an assessment of your friend group, your associations, and are they in line to help you create the results that you want? Are they pulling you further away from the results that you want? And then are your conversations stuck in the past where you're talking about things that you did, you know, 15, 20, 10 years ago? Are they future-oriented conversations? And Are they taking place with a, a network of supportive believers and people who believe in your potential? When you think of these 3 things in your circle and being the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, by making these changes, you can set yourself up for a more positive and productive path. So do the audit and know that these conversations that you're having every single day, let them be what you want them to be. Let them be the topics of conversations that's going to inspire you to go back to, to your little office, your little work cave, and light a fire and get more done if that's what you want. But if you are like, you know what, I've been there, done that, I don't want to be around people who expect more of me, then that's fine too. I just want you to be cognizant of getting what it is that you want on purpose with intention. So that's what I have for you today, my people. I hope this discussion is inspiring you to take a closer look at your friend group, your associations, and then to make the necessary changes, because the right relationships can be a huge catalyst for your success or lack thereof. And so if you enjoyed this episode, please make sure you subscribe wherever you're listening to this podcast episode at, and I would love it if you could share it with someone else who may find value in this as well to help take their lives to a whole different level. So, all right, my peeps, this is me coming to you live from Bruges, Belgium. Well, I guess by the time you hear it, it won't be live. But here we are, my peeps. You know what? We'll talk next week. All right. Peace.