Vanessa Van Edwards argues that "just be yourself" fails people who dislike themselves, often leading to manipulation. Instead, she suggests identifying "micro social strengths" - brief moments where you feel genuinely good - and amplifying them to build confidence and likability without faking it.
How can you be yourself if you don't like yourself? If you tell someone to be themselves and they don't like themselves, it's cruel. That advice makes me upset because I'm thinking you're telling someone to try to show up as something that they don't like. And so yes, I think that there's a very fine line between being likable and being authentic, and the line is manipulation, right? Like, it's easy to tip if you are trying to find these moments where you feel actually good about yourself. Most of my students are very smart and very talented, but there's a part of themselves that doesn't like themselves. By the way, that's everyone. It's everyone, right? So if I can say, when is a moment in conversation at work or with your friends where you feel really good about yourself? That's what we're looking for, is like you feel really good about yourself. And yes, that's a little bit selfish, but that also is going to trigger more confidence. It's going to trigger more flow. And so these micro social skills, these micro strengths, are actually just a way for me to say there are parts of yourself that you can like, and that's what we should be highlighting.
