Mental Resilience Pre & Post Covid 19 w Mollie Eliasof #MUIYB Podcast Ep. 60

So what?

What's going on with people? I mean, this pandemic has had such a psychological impact. What's your first impression of what's happening to society?

I'm so proud of people, and I'm going to tell you why. Because I think people have had to be so resilient, like beyond belief. Whether you've lost someone, you've lost your business, or you're just trying to manage how different life is. I think everyone has eventually buckled down and made decisions to figure out to move through this. And so I think there's a lot of rewarding we need to do for ourselves, for the ability to just make it through the next day. So that. That's my big takeaway. I mean, I think there's a lot we're grappling with, but resiliency. I'm just so proud of people right now.

That's totally. Molly. Not what I expected. I thought you'd say, because when you watch the news, it's a shitstorm. People are lonely, suicides are up. There's all this negativity I see in the news.

Yep. And that's real. Definitely.

But is that the minority, in your opinion?

I don't think it's the minority or the majority. I think we always have to look at something like suicide or extreme use of alcohol or substance abuse as a concern. Right. Whether the statistic goes up or goes down. We want to be concerned about how we're showing up for people who are struggling right now. And so many people are struggling right now at different degrees. And I think right now we. We have just a taste of what that looks like. I think as we move further and further away from COVID you know, knock on wood, that happens sooner rather than later. We're going to hear just like post traumatic stress disorder, how many people were really struggling right now. And I don't think it helps to buckle down on the negative. I think it's really important for anyone who's struggling to look at the optimism. So that's why I wanted to focus on resiliency. Right. If you're making it through the next day and you're just brushing your teeth, like, bravo, good job.

Right, Right. Yeah, I gotcha. I said, my wife says something in. She saw something in the news about positivity. But like this, this. This relentless sense of almost artificial positivity. I can't remember the phrase. Do you know what I'm talking about?

I'd imagine, you know, a lot of people focus on positivity in this way that feels Disconnected from reality.

Authentic thing.

Yeah, right, right. If we just look at it sunny and bright, like it all be okay, but. But that's. That's not all of it. Right. We have to deal with the realities of what happens when we lose our brick and mortar business or, you know, how we manage all of those challenges.

So. So let's. Let's put a little context for folks listening in. You own multiple therapy practices, I believe, throughout New York state.

So I am a private consultant and I work with CEOs, celebrities, professional athletes on how to get more out of life. And I also have another business where I have a therapy practice that has had multiple locations throughout New York City. We've since gone virtual, so that's pretty cool. And now we work again, same clientele who are based in New York.

Okay, so your own practice. Right. So your therapy practice, that was brick and mortar and it goes virtual. You felt the impact of this. How did you and your therapist deal with that?

Yeah, I mean, I was actually really lucky. You know, I can go really deep into my story or just give you the supervisual.

I want to know it. I want to know it.

But, you know, I really made a decision and as a small business owner a few years ago, that I did not want to keep scaling that way as a business. It really was too exhausting. So before COVID I had made the decision to slowly close offices and move more virtual because we were seeing a need. You know, our clients were jet setting and having to go to work, you know, and take travel trips for a month span. They were missing out on therapy. It was a perfect opportunity to move virtual. So we did have a little bit of a bridge in a different way, but it was a huge impact. Right. I had to help support my team and help them transition so that as I moved away from having that same setup, they found ways to professionally continue to catapult and launch.

Okay. So I assume they just, like most of us, had a normal. An expectation, and then that's ripped away for some of us literally overnight.

Yeah.

It's such an abrupt shift. When we have these abrupt changes in our expectations, is that what causes people to become distressed and respond with, you know, angst and anxiety?

Yeah. I'd like to say, like, in a way, I think the goal with life is that it's always changing. Right. And I think that it becomes our job to figure out how adaptable we can be. I think if we're not training for that, and I think many of us have not trained for that, we get Stuck in a rut of going, oh, my goodness, I. You know, what's going on? How do I make this change? What are the options? If you're someone who understands how to move fluidly, then the transition, no matter what that is, becomes a little easier, but it is jarring. Like, the emotions and the feelings are real. And I think that's really important to start. If someone is grappling with their feelings around this, to validate those feelings is the biggest step one.

Okay, I wanted to get that. I want to give you a little context, and I wonder if this is a typical kind of human response. So I was traveling when the lockdown started. So say it was around March 15, 2020. So that day or the day before, I was actually on the road with other professional speakers. This one guy, John Jordan, he's written a book called Energy Bus. Very popular books. And he just looks at his cell phone. He goes, damn. I go, what? He's like, I just lost a speaking gig because they're. They're shutting down the event. I'm like, oh, that's kind of weird.

He goes, damn.

I'm like, what? He's like, just lost another one. And my face starts getting red. I'm like, what's going on? He lost during an hour period. I think five or six engagements shut down. I didn't get a single call. So at first I'm like, this is his problem. This is. This isn't a big problem. This is, you know. And then a few hours later, it's like, you lost the gig. I'm like, no. And then this. This dread and panic ensued. I'm curious as I reflect back upon my own experience with this kind of shutdown and how I responded. I went through denial and then anger. I went through the stages of grieving. Is that normal? What I experience is that other people are experiencing.

Yeah, of course. I think especially like I said, if you. If you haven't constantly and aren't constantly training yourself to be adaptable, that's absolutely what's going to happen. There's going to be shock from the major transition. Right? And so I like to really help people look at those moments and go, okay, big reaction. How am I feeling? Okay, I'm frustrated, I'm nervous, et cetera. Like, that's real. I get that now. What do I want to keep feeling like now? It's not that simple, right? But then that becomes the focus instead of just focusing on the, damn, I've lost it. Because now we're going into the negative energy. If you think about yourself, like, trying to tread water in the middle of the ocean. If all of a sudden you're like, oh, my God, there's no shore ahead, you start to lose steam. If you go, okay, moving closer, every inch, it's a little bit easier to move forward. So I really like helping people shift the perspective of going, okay, I feel this. It's out of my control. What do I want to feel next?

Okay, let's jump back to train for the change. Like you said, you know, if you're ready for the change, you'll manage much better. How do you prepare for change?

Yeah, that's a great question. I think all the time, right? Taking all these moments of a great example, right at the grocery store, you're like, okay, I have. For me, it's this one type of yogurt I can eat. Like, I really. I have a lot of dietary restrictions. There's one type of yogurt, and when it's not there, there's always like this, oh, right. But I have to decide in that moment, okay, well, what else can I have for that meal? And if I want this food product, how is it going to make my life not feel so intense? Like a win or lose every time I show up at the grocery store so I can have a different feeling? Well, maybe that means I order directly from the company and find the ability to get that more frequently. Right. How do I move fluidly, even in those small examples? So I would think about a moment where you constantly have that feeling. You, you know, maybe you go to Starbucks and you have to wait a little too long. Like, that's a good opportunity to train your brain. How can I be flexible and adaptable right now so I don't feel that anger, that angst, that pain?

You said, I'm writing this down, kind of that win or lose, is that kind of the root of that frustration, that pain, is that we're seeing any scenario. It's a simple. Either it works or it doesn't work. There's no in between.

I think that's definitely a big piece of it. Right. And I think people have trouble with the loss piece. Right. I also really want to validate, though, that there's feelings behind that. It's not just that you want to be a winner or a loser and you're frustrated that you're not in the winter camp. Right. It's also because what it means to you, right, when you have a loss, okay, I'm not good enough. My ideas don't work well enough. You know, Who I am as a human isn't valuable to the world or my family. Once you start going deeper into that diving hole, you get more stuck. It's harder to let people in and it's harder to keep thriving.

Okay, so I want a couple tools if we have here. So people right now are experiencing loneliness failure. I suspect some people are trying to get their business rolling again, but it feels stuck. So it's not this one time at Starbucks situation. It's a daily wake up and you're getting knocked down again. Are there some tools for when you're really stuck in a situation?

Yeah. So there are many tools. And the first thing you need to do is be patient with building your toolbox. Right. Because all of a sudden now you have an expectation that you have all the tools in your toolbox.

Right, right, right.

Step process. Right. So the first thing I suggest in building your toolbox is start simple. Right. So if you're someone who gets nervous when you fly or you get stressed out before, I don't know, a big exam, you want to think about the things that have ever worked for you. Maybe it's a certain playlist, maybe it's having, you know, the lights dimmed in your house, maybe it's not having caffeine. You want to jot down those things first because those are going to be simple things for you to integrate into your life right now. Okay. Number two, you want to think about the people in your life that make you feel thriving. And I know that's really specific because not everyone helps you thrive. Some people just love you. You want to think about who helps you thrive.

Oh, interesting.

Yeah. And write down that community and that list so you have a go to place or a go to person to call or text. And the last thing, and I mean, we could go on, but I'll just give you three just so you could have some fun.

I love it. I love it.

Cool. Is to start to think about the tools that really help you in general when life wasn't like this. Right. So I have trained as a professional dancer. Dance has been something that's been so important to me and it's for many of us been ripped out of our life because we haven't been able to be in studio. Right. But I've tried to find different ways that I can tap into it. Right. Going on YouTube, taking a dance class. And it's not about, you know, every type of training being as serious or intense, but giving myself the opportunity to do the thing that makes me happy. So you want to think about the things that give you joy and the small ways that you can access them so that you at least have something to go to when you're feeling stressed or at a loss or just really frustrated. What if?

Because this is how I respond. Yeah, I know. During frustrating period, I start working more intensely to resolve it. And I noticed I'm clicking and clacking hard on the keyboard and gritting my teeth. And I remember my wife on multiple occasions saying, just go for a walk, just go for a walk. I'm like, no, I don't have time for a walk. It actually frustrates me more now. She's 100% right. And when I do do it, I feel relief. It's like, oh, there's a bigger picture to life. It's not just my little cubicle here. But when we're stuck in that situation, maybe that person isn't there to intercept and say, you got to go for a walk.

Yeah.

How can we stop a pattern that's clearly a downward spiral?

Oh, I love this question. Okay, so there's a few different things that pop in my brain when you talked. Okay, so the first thing are sensory motor skills. And that's gonna sound really like a big thing, but it's really not. So you wanna think about things that help your five senses feel soothed. Right? So a visual person. So having a post it on your computer that's like, take a break. Or like a pop up, like an alert on your calendar that says take a walk now and could be really helpful. Right. If you're someone who likes to feel like the literal sense of touch that helps you soothe. Jump in a cold shower or a hot shower, grab a cold cup of water or a hot cup of tea and hold it in your hand. So the walking is another sensory motor skill that you're building to help you soothe. The second thing, if you're more of an intellectual person, a lot of our business people here are. We could talk about your book, right? We could talk about clockwork and really looking at breaking down your time usage. So when you're in that I gotta get through it moment, really, what are you doing during that time? How productive are you being? And if you're trying to problem solve, will walking actually give you the space away from all the distractions in your computer to do that work in a different way?

I love that. Now I want to talk about the loneliness aspect my own children are facing. Actually, as I think about a little bit of a goosebumps because it's very upsetting But I know my son, he's at college, he's at Rutgers. And he asked my wife and me, said, I don't think I should go to school right now, because you basically don't. It's all remote. I'm stay at campus and I'll start the next semester. We thought it was the best decision. He came home for a visit home after maybe two months of school. And he was. He was not himself. Like someone was different. And when we spoke with him, we had a great conversation. He's lonely. He's lonely. He's like, there's some days I wake up, I don't leave my room. I'm in my room 24 7. Food's delivered to the door because I'm really lonely. And that was actually scary. But I think this is a. There's another pandemic going on. A pandemic of loneliness.

Yeah.

Yeah. So how do we address this? Can you fix it for all of us, by the way?

Here you go. Boom. Done. You know, I. I'm really glad that you're calling attention to it. I know that I'm someone who likes to look at, I guess, some of the positive, like we're talking about earlier, you know, But I think at the same time, it's really important to look at the gravity of each one of these examples. Right. And loneliness, I think, is going to be something we continuously talk about because as we transition, the transition is not going to bring us back to what most of us know. So immediately. Right.

So.

So the loneliness is not going to change right away. You know, this is where community is so important. And virtual communities have never been more accessible, which is really amazing and a blessing right now, you know, so being able to tap into people again, that help you feel like you're thriving. So let's break that down a little bit. You know, if you really start to think about who's in your camp, who are the people you call, who are people you text, who are the people you spend quality time with, you want to think about what it serves you or what it gives you while you communicate with them. Right. I feel like I'm getting a big hug when I hear them on the other side of the phone. I feel like they help me problem solve. You really want to think about how people serve you so you can think about who's helping you thrive versus who's just empathetic and there. Right. And that way when you're feeling lonely, you can think about the type of loneliness you're experiencing and try and Tap into specifically who you need right now, you know. But I do think there is a deprivation of touch. There's a deprivation of just getting hug. Right. That high five that we're missing, and there's no immediate solve for that, but I think it's a huge reason why people have started to move back home. Right. Intergenerational families have really started to like, spring up all over again.

Yeah, actually I have noticed that. And I wonder if the impetus behind that to some degree was financial, but now it's really. There's something more important going on.

Yeah.

What about drug and alcohol abuse? So I was talking with someone offline and I've heard that drug and alcohol abuse is going up. This person is a recovering addict and I guess you recover for the rest of your life, but this is increasing. So people are reverting to drugs to maybe mollify some of the pains they're having. Anything we can do to not do that and find an alternative path?

Yeah. You know, I think this is a time and an opportunity for us to think about what is health for us. You know, I think before all of this there was a huge discussion around like, self care is health. Right. I go to the gym, I have my water, I take them, get a massage. You know, this is what health looks like. This is your opportunity to really go way deeper into what helps me feel balanced. Right. And I think when we don't have that checklist or we just go to the things that we have historically known, it's a lot easier to just get pulled. Pulled into something based on pattern. Right. And a lot of it, especially drug and alcohol abuse, can be much more like genetic than just a habit. Right. So there's a lot of security that we're really sweeping over in this discussion. But I'm glad you're bringing it to the surface because it's something people have always grappled with and are really grappling with right now. It's never been more important to have supports in your life. So this is when you know, if you have someone from AA who you talk to, like a sponsor, you have therapist in your life, you have a group therapy that helps you feel supported by peers. This is where having support systems are so important. And I know people have always been nervous to tap into that. This is your time, and so many places are doing it on sliding scale and at a lower rate or for free. This is a great way to try it, even if you've been so nervous about attempting it in the past.

Yeah, I love this Kind of recurring theme. We need each other. So there's one person I'm thinking of specifically who is an addict. His camp is all other addicts. And this isn't a support group. This is, you know, peers.

Yeah.

What if your camp is a. Is a shitty camp? How do we build a new one?

Yeah, that's a great question. You know, I think pre Covid or during quarantine, it's, it's a hard thing to do. It's a challenging thing. Right. And it takes a lot of risk and vulnerability to tap into new communities. I would have you start by thinking about what kind of healthy activity has community that means something to you. Right. So if there's a little thing you do in your day, like you take a 20 minute walk, can you look up meetups or online forums where people like to take walks in your local area? And can you just learn from them? What are their local walking paths? Maybe you can't go for a walk with them right now, or maybe you can do it socially distanced, but how can you tap into things that make you feel good and find more people who enjoy that too to at least start looking for community that matches your desire and your like. And also what exists out there is.

This thirst from some people to go back to the old normal. Sounds like it's unrealistic. How do we start? Or maybe it is realistic. So is it realistic or not in your opinion? And how do we navigate to a new normal? How do we accept this new world?

Yeah, well, that's a big question that I can answer.

Again, save all the world's problems. You need to solve them. The loneliest pandemic.

Fixed.

New normal.

Fixed.

Yeah. So how do we do we. Is it really going to go back to something in the past? And how do we adjust and feel comfortable with what the future may hold?

Yeah. So let's go back to what I talked about in the beginning, which is adaptability. Right. We don't know what tomorrow brings. I don't know. You don't know. No one has the answers. If we had the answers, I think all of us would sigh with relief. We would go, okay, I have to wait three more hours. And then I can feel like. And if we had that, all of us would feel so much better, which is a huge part of why this is so challenging. We just don't know. And so what you can do for yourself right now, no matter what happens in the future, is practice that sense of adaptability. How do I be okay with today, even if it doesn't feel like yesterday. And how can I do one small thing that's going to make me feel lighter, more relieved, a little better, a little bit more cared for today than I did yesterday as an ongoing practice.

You know, Molly, another thing that's gone away isn't just our business, our connection with other people financially. Some people are ruined or on the verge. What about that consequence? We're hand to mouth now. Or maybe you don't even have that. So how do you deal with the financial consequences?

Yeah, again, I wish I had all the answers for you. Right. But I think emotionally I can speak to the fact that like just looking at the fact, if we go back to that ocean analogy that you're drowning in the middle of the ocean is only going to make you see sink faster. Right. So really being able to think about, okay, what did I do for my family today that helped them financially? Well, I looked at all my expenses again and I found another way to cut things. Well, we had a family meeting last Sunday and we talked about the ways we all need to tap in to reduce X, Y and Z thing within the home. Any small thing you do that's working you towards feeling more at ease is progress. That resiliency is important. Important to celebrate. Because when we don't feel like ourselves, right. When we don't feel financially accomplished or even just stable, right. It's really easy to again get self deprecating. I'm a bad person. I'm not a good enough parent. And that's not going to serve you, your emotional health or anyone around you who you love. So really trying to go, okay, I appreciate me for making progress in this way can be hugely transformational.

And I've noticed in my own life this confirmation bias, whatever I believe to be true, I'm like, yep, I suck at math. See, messed up again. So when we have that downward spot that we're struggling and so forth, we seek it out. But it's also really hard to fake it till you make it. I hear that all the time. Well, you are successful even though I'm not. You are good at math even though I suck. Is there some trickeration as that?

Who said that? Was that the.

Yeah. Do we have to trick ourselves into believing a new truth or is there a way to actually speak truthfully about a new truth we want?

Yeah. By just saying this is the truth. Today I am financially struggling. That's a reality. Right. My business is not bringing as much revenue in and that makes me feel what? That makes me feel scared. That makes Me feel alone. That makes me feel like I'm failing. All those feelings are super real and really valid and they're really difficult to manage right now. That is my current reality. That does not need to be my ongoing future. I have had the skills before to figure out how to make revenue for my business, how to feed my family, how to be a good parent. Right. All of those things. I have the ability to do that all over again. I don't know how. I'm really confused, lost, et cetera. Again, all those feelings are real. But right now, right now, today, I know that I have the ability to do what I've done previously just based on that history and that information. It's not everything. It's a small step.

Yeah, I like that. It's small bite sized pieces. Let's wrap up on this. What do you see the future being, you know, two, three years from now, kind of on the global level. How are we doing in dealing with this?

I'm hoping that everyone really starts to invest in mental health. I think that it's always been something that people have had mixed feelings around. And if you haven't reached out to someone and you're feeling any of the things we talked about today, I would highly encourage you to reach out to someone who is trained, trained, licensed, who's a specialist, so that you can get not just support from people who love you, but people who know how to manage these challenging moments. And I think that's going to become the norm. I think everyone's going to start to feel more and more comfortable having emotional support. Not just logistics support, but emotional support so that they can keep thriving. And I'm excited for people because I think that we're going to keep seeing ways people continue to be resilient and therefore creative and innovative. And I think it's just going to really start to blossom for right now is difficult, painful and awful in a lot of ways. And that's real. Right. But it doesn't need to be our future also.

Yeah, I love it and I can testify to this. I work with a therapist today. I WISH I did 15 years ago. I went through depression and thought I was stronger than this and realized that was a fatal belief. What a great outlet that's been for helping me achieve what I want to achieve. Molly, thank you so much for joining me today.

Thank you for having me.