Marisa Peer explains how self-talk shapes your mind, fears are learned habits you can reframe, and self-praise works better than self-criticism. She uses examples like stage fright and workplace stress to show how your internal voice either holds you back or pushes you forward.
Chapters
Your mind does what it thinks you want it to do. This is probably one of the most powerful rules of the mind. Here's your mind's job. It's got a very clear job. I'm your mind and I'm going to do what I think you want. And when you say, oh, this commute is killing me, my boss makes me want to die. My kids are making me go up the wall, I am stressed out of my mind by the freeway, your mind goes, oh, you keep telling me that something is killing you. It appears to be your job or your commute. Why don't I just give you a lovely ulcer and then you can stay home and avoid that place that's killing you. That's its job. Why don't you do your job and talk to your mind better? The commute is a pain, but I have great CDs to listen to. I have stuff to do. My boss is difficult with everyone. It's not me. He's not there and having sex with my wife. He's not in the room and having a lovely dinner. This is temporary. He's an unhappy person.
Do it better.
You will get what you want when you tell your mind what you want. But here come the words. Let's imagine you're going to give a speech and the words are, oh, my God, I'm freaked out.
I'm terrified.
I'm going to go bright right over my mouth and go, oh, I haven't got the time right.
I'm so nervous.
Your mind goes, do not get on that stage. If you walk to that stage, I'm going to give you a massive panic in the middle of the room because you told me you don't want to do it. And I've got to do what you want. Or you can go, I am fantastic at speaking. I've got something to say. People like me. What I have to say is of value. Speaking to a stage is like speaking to my wife or husband. And then your mind goes, get on that stage and do it. You always have a choice, but your mind's job is to do what it thinks you want. When you go, I want a week off. Who's ever done this? What I would give for a week off lying in bed, Your mind goes, leave that with me.
Now you got the flu.
How cool am I? I listened to you. You wanted a week off lying around watching Netflix, now you got it.
So we have kind of what I call external fears. What if I go out with this person and they dump me? What if I ask that person out and they go, ugh, I don't want to go out with you. What if I go for an interview? And they go, no, thanks, we're not looking for you. So these external fears, disappointment, rejection, hurt, pain, it's okay to go through those experiences. They mold you, they shape you, they grow you. And then we have internal fears which, you know, we have a fear of falling. We go to the edge of the building, look down, our stomach plummets. I go to speak on stage and my fingers feel kind of tingly because I decided there's excitement or I would say I'm so nervous. And so we have that inner nervousness about doing things. Then we have fears of dogs and cats and bees and lifts. But these are all learned fears. For every person who fears cats, someone else loves them. All of these fears hold you back. And they don't have to, because every fear you go through teaches you something. You see, if you go to a fun fair and go to those loop the loop rides, you can scream in terror or you can scream in excitement. And the fact that people put themselves through those rides means that at some level, we quite like fear. It challenges us to do more. It challenges us to grow more. So don't fear fear. Remember, the only fear to fear is fear itself. It always amazes me and saddens me too that so many people I see put so much effort into trying to make someone love them by trying to change, when if they put half that effort into loving themselves, they would attract so much love. You see, when you're trying to change yourself, that means you must be criticizing yourself. I'm going to punish my body so it looks better. I'm going to put myself down in the hope that I will get better. I'm going to look at all my flaws and try to get rid of them. Don't be your own worst critic. Be your own best friend. What would you say to a best friend? Darling, you're amazing.
You can cares if you've got a bit of cellulite.
That has nothing to do with how lovable you are.
You're a great guy.
You're interesting and funny and any girl would be lucky to have you. You know what you would say to your best friend? Say that to yourself. Do not get sucked into being a critic. You know, so often I work on the radio. Maybe I work with a big group. And I always want to give my group a takeaway. I want to give the audience something, some little thing they can do straight away that I know will change their life. And I always say to them, do not let in destructive criticism. Don't beat yourself up. Don't feel bad about yourself. Instead of criticizing yourself, praise yourself. I know for a fact there is nothing that can build you up the way self praise does. Self praise boosts your self esteem and criticism withers it and diminishes it.
