Ep #030 | How to Summon Your Soulmate (Attract and Keep the Love You Deserve)

Sitting with me here today is Katherine Woodward Thomas. And those of you who know me and have been following me on social media know that conscious uncoupling was a process that I just went through with my incredible ex wife Christina as we wrapped up a beautiful 19 year relationship. After one goes through conscious uncoupling, you end up being single again. And it's a frightening place, I can tell you that. So the next step in this journey is about calling in the One. It's about finding the next person that you might want to be with. Now, it doesn't mean that you immediately rush into another relationship. I don't plan on it. But all of us who are single are often seeking to find that one. So if you are looking for a beautiful, healthy relationship, you and want to figure out the best way to get in the right mindset so that you can call in the one. I want you to take good notes on this episode. Welcome to Mindvalley. Katrin.

Oh vision. Thank you.

So tell us about calling in the One. Cause you've got an incredible story about this.

I was in my 40s and I had never been married. I had wanted a family for years, really for like two decades by that time. But I had a very difficult romantic life. I was accomplished in other areas. I was a therapist, I had a nonprofit. I worked with people who were homeless for 10 years. I was a singer, a songwriter. I had a very rich life. I'd done decades of spiritual development work already. But the one area of my life that was not working consistently was relationship. And I had a particularly painful pattern of attracting in unavailable people. So like married men loved me, engaged men, commitment phobic men, alcoholic men. I used to joke and say gay men who wanted to explore had a real thing for me, like any impossible kind of situation. And I seemed to be a magnet. And it was confusing. Like, we're giggling now. I'm giggling. But it was actually very painful and very confusing. And I didn't understand why other people seem to just partner up fairly easily without a lot of drama. And I think that my quest for finding that one person I could really build a family with was almost like the main drama of my life. And when I was in my early 40s, I was in a state of, I think, grief that I thought, okay, I'm going to need to accept this. I'll probably never find a person to be able to build a family with because I'm aging out of childbearing years. And you know, I think we make the best of things. But I was sad about it, but I happened upon a group that was setting intentions with each other, and most of the people in the group were setting financial intentions or business intentions. So I took a friend aside and I said, I know this is a crazy intention, but I'm going to be engaged by my 40 seconds. Now. That was eight months away, and I had no prospects at all for a husband, let alone a great husband. So I started every morning on this meditation cushion, and I would just meditate in the way that we're kind of now taught to meditate, which is, imagine that it's. So imagine that you already have it. What does it taste like? What does it smell like? What does it feel like? You know, all of the. You know, imagine that you're holding a bouquet of roses that he just sent you, you know, and how does that smell? So you're engaging all your senses. But at the end of the meditation, I actually used what Michael Beckwith created in his visioning process. And I said, what would I need to let go of in order to manifest this vision? And what would I need to embrace or become in order to prepare myself to receive this vision? And I find that when we ask the universe for questions like that, that we begin to get very, very specific answers. So every moment, every single day, I got something. So I got simple things like, oh, I noticed for the very first time that even though I had a double bed or a queen bed, that it was pushed up against the wall so it could only be gotten into from one side, and I had only one bed table. So I was feng shui incorrect for that future. What I really got vision were very deep insights into how I was the source of this pattern of unavailable men.

And how were these insights coming to you? Was it true self reflection? Was it true journaling or meditation?

All of it. All of it. You know, I just decided to empower my intuitive knowing. It was just something like I'd have an idea or I'd have a thought or an insight, and I would follow that thread. Now, I said, I'm a psychotherapist, right? So I know the difference between kind of following a thread from a psychological perspective versus this transformative perspective I was in. So if I saw something like, I had a tendency to be defensive rather than ask myself, you know, where did that come from? Why did I feel that way? How did that moment feel for me when I was three years old? You know, I didn't overanalyze it, in other words. But what I would say is, like, okay, what Would it look like to drop the defense? And how else might I keep myself safe? So it was more developmental because I was living into a future. I think a lot of us are trying to figure out our romantic lives by digging in the past. And I'm obviously an advocate for therapy. I think there's a time and a place. But when you're up to creating a miracle, like you're in any area of life, you're up to creating something that you've never had, you really are gonna stand for a breakthrough. I'm gonna be engaged. Even though I hadn't been engaged since I was, you know, 18 years old, I had a high school boyfriend I was engaged to. So then you're kind of being pulled into that future. That future is something you're living into. It's almost like if you took a stand to run a marathon, for example, but, you know, you were kind of a couch potato. Like, there's now action that's required to bridge that gap. So when I would see certain things about myself, I would just try on something new. So I kind of got out of my comfort zone a lot. I began to show up, letting go of who I'd known myself to be for the possibility of who I might become in order to kind of meet that date with destiny and to be who I would need to be on my 42nd birthday.

So do you believe then, that love, that attraction, is energetic, that it is beyond just what we do in the physical?

I definitely, definitely love an attractions beyond, you know, the concrete you're talking about, the energy that we're creating.

But as a psychotherapist, how would you explain that?

Well, I look at. I look through the lens of identity. And as I've been developing the calling in the one work, what we mostly look at is what we call the transformation of your core love identity. And that's another way of saying beliefs at the level of identity and that beliefs don't actually live in our brain. They're not conscious thoughts. They're actually an energetic. And they usually have an emotional center. And I think we all know that phenomenon of when someone, you know, if you're in a crowded room and someone walks into the room, you already know a lot about that person. You may never have met them, but, you know, if they live in a friendly universe or a hostile universe. So when we're looking for love, we want to be in the. In the center of our value. We want to be in the center of our worthiness. We want to be in the center of Possibility.

In your book, Calling in the One, you talk about a seven step process. Could you give us a preview of the seven steps?

Yes. I mean, what I think is more helpful is to talk about certain distinctions that people can start to do now. Because the last part of the steps are really the integration and the living of it. Calling in the one is an orientation to life actually. It's a way of being in relationship to life. So for example, first thing that you wanna do when you wanna manifest a miracle in your love life is you start from the future you're committed to creating. And I encourage you to not make it a predictable future, but actually to make it a future that isn't going to happen unless you take a big bold stand. So you might wanna look at your patterns. And for some of you, it's I'm alone year after year after year. Or for some of you, it's that I end up with narcissistic people and hurtful relationships. And you say, I'm going to set an intention that is a complete departure for that. So for example, if it was narcissism, you say, I'm going to be in a mutually empowering, mutually honoring and respectful, thriving, flourishing love relationship by the end of this year. That whole piece about the by the end of this year. I like it because it's urgency, but you don't have to do it, you know, you don't have to do it with that time element. But the point is, is to really stretch and to go for the gold because you're gonna now you want a future that's gonna inspire you to rise. The moment you get that future, you're like, wow, I have some cleaning up to do. I need to suddenly get rid of all sorts of things that I've been tolerating in my life. You know, I've been living with resentments and incompletions towards a past love. Or I've been being codependent with my sister and I've got all sorts of toxic dynamics going on there. Or I've been living with false belie and having me show up as less than who that I am. So these are now all the things that you want to be cleaning up. So we're looking for the areas in your life that are inconsistent now with that future.

And so what you're saying, what it sounds like you're saying, is that most of us, when we are struggling to find a relationship, are so immersed in our own, in our own complaints and our own worldviews. Men are this or women are like that, that, that actually limits us. But by changing that orientation and painting a picture of a future, even if it seems counter to our belief system, because we've taken on these hurt beliefs, we reorient ourselves. And that's when we start stripping away the stuff that may be holding us back.

I'm so happy that you're speaking about this because what you're talking about is breaking up victimization. And I think that, you know, even those of us on a conscious path, it's very easy to slip into victimization. The moment you say men are like this, women are like that, or my childhood. And so I'm like this. You're kind of in reaction. You're at the effect of you're kind of powerless against that. What we're looking at and calling in the one is, where's our access to power? And that's always gonna have to do with a self as source conversation. How am I showing up in a way that is perpetuating this? Like, look, we can have a conscious. We can have a conversation for days about, you know, are there as many conscious men as there are conscious women? And I teach a lot of women, so they're always, you know, having that convers say, look, you only need one, you only need one person. So I'm just saying, like the place of power is to look outside of victimization. So step one is preparing for love. And that's where we're looking at your pattern. We're looking at what it is that you are going to stand to create. And we're starting to look then at the source, how you're the source of the pattern. It's a different way of looking at it. You know, we've been trying to figure out why it's like this and why we're having problems. So we have all these external reasons. We're looking for yourself as the source. And it could be very subtle. Like if you have an alone pattern, maybe you just, you know, are kind of an introvert and you don't push yourself to go out very much. And so you're not socializing very much. Or if you have a pattern of being with very narcissistic people, you might start to notice that you tend to not talk about yourself very much, but that you, the moment you meet someone, you say, oh, I'm doing fine, but tell me about you, you know, how are you doing? So you want to start to really train yourself to think in that regard. Like, how am I actually generating the pattern myself? Step two is to complete the past. Now, we have a lot of tentacles in the past. And the truth is, is that if we want to create a miracle in our lives, we need all of our energy in present time. We need our energy moving into the future. But a lot of us are actually kind of anchored into the defining ourselves by the past. We have agreements that we've made in the past that we're kind of living into. And when I say agreements, I mean those, you know, those agreements. Like, I'll never be happier in love than my mother has been. So I'm God, I don't want my mother to leave.

You know, it's funny how all of these things start coming up once you set that intention.

Exactly. Exactly. The intention is what's the catalyst for suddenly seeing with great clarity how you've been getting in your own way. All of those parts of that are not really on board with the having of that future. When we're talking about completing the past, you want to look for ways that you are still resentful and you still feel victimized because that means that you haven't taken responsibility for your part in that dynamic. Now, the beauty of taking responsibility for your part, and usually it's subtle, like, you didn't speak up for yourself. You didn't make your needs known. You didn't negotiate well for your needs. You know, there's probably good reason if you're resentful, the other person behaved badly. But where your power lies is in seeing your part and making a promise to yourself that you're going to show up differently moving forward so that you can let that resentment go and you can trust yourself to love and be loved. The other piece is to notice what agreements you've made with people along the way, including yourself. Like, I'm never going to let anyone hurt me like that again. Or maybe it was an agreement you made to a former love where you said right out loud to that person, I will never love anyone as much as I love you. Or maybe you kind of just are covertly staying loyal to somebody who is not well in your family, and you don't want to somehow leave them behind by being happy yourself in love. I always remind us that we don't want to placate to the weakest parts of other people. We actually want to show them and demonstrate what it looks like to be happy and well and see that you can create a new modeling to elevate them in response to that. It doesn't actually help other people for us to play to the weakest parts of who they are. And the third piece in this completing the past one is to look for ways that you are in relationship that are kind of toxic in their undertones, where you're perpetually giving your power up and you're showing up as a weaker version of yourself. You want to actually begin to clean those relationships up. Most of these relationships, we can't just let them go because maybe it's with your dad or your sister or your boss or your lifelong friend, but what you can do is you can either share with people the truth that you've been afraid to tell them because you didn't want them to be mad at you or disappointed, or you can set a boundary or some combination thereof. But the commitment needs to be to elevate the health of that relationship so that you are in the center of your power in all of your relationships across the board, because that's what's going to now leave your energy free to bring in someone new and to have an empowered partnership with that person. So that's really. Step two is this journey of completing the past so that you become internally congruent with the future that you're standing for.

So step one is to establish a vision for that future, even if it runs counter to your past experience. Step two is to become congruent with who you need to be within that future.

Yes.

And of course, within these, there are multiple sub steps.

Which is.

Which is covered in the book.

Yes.

What, what then?

Step three is about that core love identity, that core concept of self as it relates to love, as it relates to union. You know, a lot of us doing our spiritual work, we've got very open third eyes where, you know, our hearts are very open. We're even coming into our power somewhat. So, like, the upper chakras are doing just fine. But when you're talking about love and relationships, you're talking about the grounded nuts and bolts of reality. You know, you're talking about joining your finances, you're talking about sexuality. So it's kind of really getting into the lower part of our body. So transforming our beliefs has to be a holistic experience. And many of these beliefs really play out in our intimate relationships because they're so primal and they've kind of gotten into our core. So step three is about transforming your core beliefs about love. That which I call your core love identity, the way you identify what that is, is you want to close your eyes for a moment, drop your awareness down into your body, and think of your pattern, that thing that just happens over and over. Again. Or somehow you always wind up back there again where you're not the one chosen overcompensating all the time. You're the one who's doing all the work in the relationship, or you're just with unavailable people like I was. So you identify that pattern. Drop your awareness down into your body and imagine that the pattern is happening now. And notice where you feel that in your body. And then just asking yourself, what's the I am or the I am not that's being held in that center? Almost like that part of your body could speak for itself. You just say, what's your name? Who are you? I am what alone? I am not good enough. I am not wanted. There's some story that's in there. And then you want to ask yourself, how old are you? And just see what the age of that self is. When was the first time you came to this erroneous conclusion about yourself? And then, of course, you want to send love to that part of yourself. You're going to wake yourself up by saying, sweetheart, that's not actually true. That's just something that was happening, you know, when you were young, and it's not actually true. We have to wake ourselves up out of that, because identity and where we're centered at the level of identity is critical in the quest for love. The thing about the core beliefs is that if you look, they're always a younger version of ourselves. And that younger part of ourselves was just trying to make sense of what was happening in our world. But we didn't have the ability to think about what was happening with any sophistication or complexity. Right? We're just making everything mean something about me. I must not be good enough. I must not be okay somehow. So as adults, we can now go back and actually mentor that part of ourselves to more true meaning. You know, when I was able to identify that I didn't think I was valuable enough because my father left when I was a little girl, I was able to say to myself, sweetheart, that's not actually true. You are a woman who is deeply worthy of love. And you don't need to do anything to prove your value. You just are. And I know that that's actually true for myself. I know it's true for people who are with us today. You know, we have to not just wake ourselves up and then start living from that center, but it's also going back and scooping that younger self in and say, that's not actually true, sweetheart. And then when we fall back into that center, which will happen very often when we get disappoint to again talk to ourselves and wake ourselves up from that center. So that who we're being when we're dating, when we're navigating the early stages of relationship, when we're in a relationship, we always have access to the deeper truth and can navigate from the strongest, wisest, more mature parts of ourselves.

You're never too old to do that, right? In your case, you were in your 40s before you went through this process.

Absolutely. And truthfully, I will tell you that the biggest dating pool right now are people over 50. It's called single Silver Seekers. And because of the wonders of Viagra and hormone treatment, you know, and just even expanding lifespans, you were just talking about living to, you know, 120 or something. So, you know, our ideas about age are changing and so our expectations of having a lover going into our 60s, our 70s, our 80s, it's never too old to have that awakening and to outgrow toxic, painful patterns so that we can actually have relationships that are matching and mirroring the best of who we are.

Now, when you went through this process of this eight month transformation, were you able to remove and heal toxic patterns that you were carrying for 40 years?

Absolutely. So for an example, I was able to offload a lot. So one of the things I offloaded was I had a relationship in high school with a man for three and a half years and we were going to get married. And of course we were young. So you know, when it really came time to choose, he wanted to go in that direction, I wanted to go in that direction. And we parted ways and it was very traumatic. And inside of our traumatic breakup, I said to him, why don't you go and do your life, I'll do my life, but when we're in our 60s, we'll come back together and you know, we'll marry at that time. And of course, you know, he didn't pay any attention to that because he went and married somebody the next year. But for me, I dreamt about him for years and there was an incompletion around that. I literally grieved the relationship for 20 years. And it wasn't until I created calling in the one that I saw, oh, that's an agreement I made and I need to change that agreement. So I didn't want to call him because he was still married to that lovely woman he was married to. But I actually just did a meditation and I brought him in and I told him I wasn't Going to. Going to keep that agreement. And I completed it. And it was soon after that I met Mark. So we're carrying a lot of things. The pattern of unavailability. Because you asked about the patterns. What I discovered, this is how I changed that pattern. What I discovered is how I myself was unavailable. Now, it didn't occur to me that I was unavailable because I wanted love so much. But what I found out was that when I really like asked myself finally the question, like, what part of me doesn't trust love? What part of me is not available to this? It went back to childhood and having been the product of an ugly divorce and having lost contact with my father, which broke my heart to, you know, a decision I made when I was maybe 10, that I was never going to let anyone hurt me like that again. So all of those years I had created that pattern to keep love alive as a drama without the risk of anyone ever really getting in. That's actually what that was about. And when I saw that I could renegotiate that with myself, I had a heart to heart conversation with myself. I said, sweetheart, you're an adult now. You have the tools. You can tolerate the risk of having a broken heart if it doesn't work out. You have a lot of resources and a lot of tools. This is not worth love and I don't choose it anymore. And that's when the pattern changed. It just shifted on a dime.

This is not worth love. Now what is that fourth step?

So the fourth step is really about embodying your vision for love and really having an awakening around what it will feel like for you to have that experience and trusting your desires. Because before this moment, desire has been painful. If you're anchored in I'm not really worth this, or I'm just destined to be alone, or you have all of this ambivalence about relationship. Desire lives as neediness. It lives as already kind of a depression because you think you can't have what you want. So what we tend to do is turn away from our desire once you awaken to, oh yeah, I'm committed to creating this. I can have this. I have the power to manifest this. Now desire becomes something that we play with. So what you want to do is to ask yourself in meditation, what do I really desire to be experiencing with this person? And let yourself just imagine the energy of playfulness or sensuality or really being heard or thinking partnership. What do I desire to be expressing to this person? I desire to be expressing my passion. I desire to be Expressing my love to this person. What do I desire to be receiving, receiving from this person? And I desire to be receiving massive amounts of love, massive amounts of support. I desire this person to cook dinner for me. You know, all these things. So you're making it really real. And you just feel that again in your five senses. And then what you do is you say, and what are my next steps to co create this?

You ask yourself that question.

Yeah, you're asking yourself, what can I do now to begin to co create this vision? And then that day you go out and you start taking these risks that you got in your meditation. You listen to your hunches, you listen to yourself. And sometimes they're simple, like go take that class or clean out your closet. But sometimes they're big risks, like, you know what, go back to graduate school. It's been on your mind for five years now. It's time for you to go or start those adoption proceedings. You really want to be a parent and you know, you've been feeling this for a long time. I have people talking to me, writing to me all the time about that. Calling in the one actually changes their entire life. Because really it's calling in yourself on some level. You want the best relations.

When you read reviews of the book, that's what comes up. This book is transformative at a core level.

Yes, it's.

And it's that transformation that is bringing in the One.

Yes, it is.

So would you recap the four steps for us again?

So in week one, we're setting our intention for love. And that means we're looking at the pattern and you're setting an intention for a wild, bold, unpredictable future that you're gonna start living into. And then you're looking at how you're the source of that pattern. Step two is to complete your past. So we're looking at the ways that you're still feeling victimized, you still have resentment towards other people. You can take responsibility for your part, you can make an amends moving forward to yourself. We're looking at any agreements that you've made with yourself and others. Sometimes they're agreements with go. So you want to actually make those conscious and then complete them. And then the third piece of that is the toxic ties. Just cleaning those up, getting more empowered, creating more health in the relationship by looking at what truth needs to be spoken, what boundary needs to be set. The third week, we're looking at transforming your core love identity. So we're dropping down into the body for this one. We're looking at the pattern and where that lands in the body, how you feel about that. And then giving voice to that feeling. I am, I am not. And we want to start walking around from that deeper truth. And then in week four, what we're doing is we're deepening into our vision and we're becoming a co creator of that vision. So you're dropping down into your desires, what do I really desire to be experiencing in this relationship? And then you want to ask yourself, what can I do right now to begin to weave this vision into reality. And you want to actually take action on your intuitive knowing about your next steps in finding your way to that future. And a lot of times people get a little bit stuck as what will come into the vision as a former love and they get a little. And so then I always say, what were the qualities you loved about that connection? Thank that person for reminding you of those qualities that you want to keep. And you can ask them to now lead to make room for your beloved.

Right?

The book is called Calling in the One. I recommend it highly. Kathryn, thank you so much for joining us here.

Thank you Vision.

Thank you and thank you guys for being part of this program.

So I hope you enjoyed that episode with Katherine Woodward Thomas. Now, Katherine Woodward Thomas is one of the most incredible teachers on mindvalley, especially in the area of relationships. We have two programs by Katrin which are absolutely world class. And both of these are the official programs of their genre. The first is Conscious Uncoupling. Now this is a beautiful program based on the book by Katrin. That book, Conscious Uncoupling gave us a new word in our cultural zeitgeist. And it is the idea of divorce or breaking up with someone being done in a fully conscious way where you stay as friends and allies for life while ridding yourself of any trauma that you may have taken on during the relationship. If you have gone through a divorce or you've gone through any type of painful breakup, the meditations and the exercises in conscious uncoupling could really help you heal yourself and make you ready to step into your next relationship. And that brings us to the next program by Katherine Woodward Thomas that you probably want to check out, calling in the one. It is a 49 day approach to manifesting your soulmate. Now Katrin spends the first few weeks of this program, so it's seven weeks, helping you heal yourself, discover yourself, understand exactly what you're looking for. And then as you go deeper into the program, you go through a series of exercises to put you in a position where you are ready to attract the right person. This program was put together by a member of my team who was helping Katherine with editing the videos, and as she was going through this program, inevitably she ended up listening to Catherine's meditations, going through Catherine's coursework. Within a month, this woman who had gone through a breakup about a year before, had met the man that she ended up moving in with, and she is now in a beautiful, committed relationship with this man. This is just one of many crazy stories of people who have gone through this program and then ended up just manifesting Mr. Or Mrs. Right into their lives. So if you find this idea interesting, you can learn more about Calling in the One. You can also learn more about Conscious Uncoupling. It's all available on mindvalley. You do not have to buy these programs separately. Mindvalley is sort of like the Netflix for the world's best online courses. So for a small, low annual fee, just a couple of hundred bucks bucks, all of these programs are unlocked for you. And if you're looking to summon your soulmate, this program, Calling in the One is really going to transform you. The beauty of it is it's not just about one thing. It's not just about bringing in that soulmate. It's a program that gets you to step into your best self. And for that reason, it is absolutely transformative. Go to mindvalley.com and check it out.

SA.