Give The World The Best Example Of How To Love You | Lisa Nichols

I'm so, so excited to be back again. Earlier I was here and I just enjoyed listening to Vishen talk about how he asked me the first day I was free. It literally happened just like that. You know, it was in, like, April, and I was like, I'm free in December. He's like, perfect. And we've been together ever since. And just looking at the journey today was so, so wonderful. And I love the topic, talking about love and relationships. I think that before you can truly love humanity, love your neighbor, before you can love someone, regardless of their religious beliefs or their political beliefs or their economic status, whatever those things are, you gotta not only like you, but you gotta love you, and you gotta fall madly in love with you. And that's not necessarily a fast journey, you know. I know for me, it wasn't a fast journey. It didn't happen overnight. It didn't happen every day. I wasn't loving Lisa. Some days I wasn't liking Lisa. And so I thought that the contribution that I can bring to you is really to talk about what does it look like to love you in your now, like, madly, to the point that you become a magnet for those people who are around you, that you begin to attract the very partner, business partner or life partner opportunities, consumers, customers, players, like, just because of the energy that you're giving off. So can we talk about that? Can we take that journey? Hey, sweetie. And so first, I want to start with a couple of things. Vishen told a story today about a gentleman who met a woman here and he kept calling her the wrong name. Remember, he talked about that earlier and they just got married. Well, that gentleman, I had an experience with him as well. And some of you were here. So yesterday I taught the workshop, the Day Zero Bonus workshop. Some of you guys were here for that. Did you guys enjoy it? I was teaching the workshop, and this gentleman is his name. He was sitting, like, right there and. And the room is intimate. There's about 100 people in the room. I'm teaching, and he's sitting on the front row like this. I'm like, he look a little upset or something, but it's okay. He'll start liking me later. So I keep teaching, and I look over at him in about an hour, and he's still like this. I'm like, dude's pretty much holding on to that frown. He's really committed to that frown. So I keep teaching and people are warming up, they're engaging. And I look around again and he's still frowning like, just, like, just Mad dogging me. I'm like, what is. I don't know him. Why is he so mad? And I'm trying not to get hooked. You know how sometimes you can get hooked on somebody's energy? I'm like, do not get hooked. Do not go in on dude right there. Like. And when I say go in, it's like trying to get them to like me. How many of us are codependent? We want everyone to like us. So I'm always trying to unhook from wanting everybody to like me and just kind of leave you with whatever your experience is of me and I'll let you have it. But here I'm like, getting hooked. Like, I'm standing closer to him, trying to. Hi. And he's just like. So I'm like, okay, now I'm going to ignore him because now he's distracting me. So then I start ignoring him the whole time. Now, mind you, it's like only 100 people in the room. We're intimate. I'm walking down here and so I'm just like, this big energy right here is happening. I'm like, what is going on? So the workshop ends. It's the pre day workshop. Like it was yesterday. The workshop ends. He never says anything to me. I see him get up and walk out, and I'm kind of looking at him like, why? At any given time, dude, you could have left. You were with me for four hours, not liking me. And so he gets up at the end and he leaves. And I'm just like, okay. So later that night, I can't remember what country we were in. Wherever we were, we're at the party, the party like we had last night. And I'm walking in, and he's walking in at the exact same time. Like. Like we almost bump into each other. I'm like, oh, it's the mean guy. And the music was so loud that I'm trying to yell indiscreetly, yell my business partner's name so that they can like, not grab my hand and pull me. And I didn't catch her. She's gone on. And he gets in front of me, he says, I need to talk to you. I was like, I know you don't like me. He goes, no, I need to talk to you. Let's go outside. I'm like, oh, my God, he's going to kill me. So I go, I go outside with him and he says, I'm so disrupted right now. I said, why? He said, because I was in military in South Africa. And this is just humanity. This is love. I was in the military in South Africa for 20 years. Over 20 years. So I was there doing apartheid. It was my job not to like you. And I did that well. And then today, all I saw emanating from you was the presence of God in love. And you contradicted everything that I've been taught in that skin. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't prepared for you today. I love you and I don't know how to deal with that because I wasn't taught to love you. So I just want to thank you because if I left today, I got everything I was supposed to come for. And Anton and I have been dear, dear, dear friends. When he comes to California, he comes to my offices, we do barbecues together. Like just a life changing experience. And so strange things do happen at a fest and beautiful things and beautiful, beautiful things happen at a fest. So I'm super excited of the conversation we get to have. You know, I don't know if Vishen is still here, but you know, this morning I normally come in for the opening ceremonies and the last, I think two, I wasn't able to, I still had business I had to finish up. So I sat in this morning and Vishen is like going down the line of all the people who met their husbands here, met their wives here, and it's like, and oh, they got married here. And oh, they got married. I'm like, where have I been? I have been working too damn hard when I get here. So I'm just saying I'm ready, I'm not leaving. I was like, oh, I didn't know all that came with a fest makes it more exciting, right? So, you know, when you talk about the journey of love and you know, love is such a big word that I think is overused. I think love is a very endearing word. I think we say we love things that we don't love. Like, oh, I love that movie. Oh, I love those jeans. Oh, I love that car. Oh, I love him. Sometimes it just gets so good. You think it's love in the moment? Did I say that? Was that my outside voice? So I think that love is a sacred experience, but I think that love for other people only follows and chases a love that we have for ourselves. And I think one of the best journeys that I took was the journey to fall back in love with Lisa. And I didn't know that that journey would take so much. I was in South Africa and I was rocking my fro and this woman Stood up and said, sister, how do you wear your hair like that? That's my African accent. And when I do my accent for Budapest or Slovenia, it will sound the the same. It's it. Sister, how do you get your afro like that? And I said, how do I get my afro like this? I'm in Africa. You guys all have afros. It's like, I was wearing your hair because I was coming, I was coming home. No, you, we are wearing an afro. You are wearing a crown. My sister and I thought about it for a moment and I said, oh, oh, I get it. See? And I said to her in front of 500 people, I said, while wearing my natural hair is the easiest thing of all to do, getting to the point where I was comfortable enough to wear my natural hair was the longest journey I ever took because it was the journey back to me. And so what happens when you take a journey back to you? So many of us are busy being busy being busy. One hand up if you're busy being busy. Two hands up if you're really busy being busy. Two hands up and stand up if you can't even remember what you're being busy with, right? You don't even know what you were doing last week this time. But you know you were, what, Busy. So we're so busy being busy being busy that we get disconnected from us. And I know, I'm not sure about other countries, but in America, everything is from your head. And all of a sudden you start disconnecting from your body and from your heart. You're analyzing everything and over analyzing everything. And something happens when you get past the age of 12. All of a sudden you have to be responsible for, when did that happen? Like, that was like killing my spirit. But there was this dance that's supposed to exist between your head and your heart and your soul and falling madly in love with yourself on a daily, weekly basis. And somehow that gets lost and then you have to revisit it again and then again and again. I remember there was a time when I didn't love Lisa. I didn't see anyone that looked like Lisa beautiful on television. I didn't see any Miss Americas rocking a fro, having hips like this. Mocha skin, full lips, round hips and kinky hair. I just didn't see them. And so I had a hard time embracing my own beauty, embracing my internal beauty and embracing my external beauty. Like, I look at my life today and I go, wow, that's pretty breathtaking. It's pretty exciting to travel the world and Run my mouth and autograph things and sit with some of the queens and queens around the world. But this was a long journey. It's not over yet either. But I remember it couldn't stop until I fell in love with me. I remember in the Secret, the part that everyone loved in the Secret was the part I talked about, before anyone else can love you, you gotta love yourself. So full circle, 11 years later, I'm having the same conversation on this stage with you. And some of you first met me in the Secret, and the same conversation is relevant that when you can love your now, and I mean love your money now, your bank account, where it is now. When you can love your weight where it is now. Did you guys see. Y' all saw those pictures of me earlier? Were you guys looking like. I was looking like, my God, there's a lot of you to love, girl. It wasn't until I can fall in love with Lisa at that size that the Lisa today can even emerge so often. We're waiting until something gets better, until it changes, until it transforms. And then I'm gonna play full out. And the universe is saying, I respond to you playing full out right now. I respond to you playing full out right now. Are you willing? Are you willing to be so radical that you play full out as you're evolving your life, transforming your life, stepping into your next best self? Are you willing to fall madly in love with your now? That's the cue. They want me to tell y' all, all the newbies. I gotta tell the newbies, right? Tell the newbies. All right. Tell the newbies. So two weeks ago, I was in a church speaking, and every time I said something they liked, they said, amen. I was in Chicago. So they was waving their hands, and they was right. And my first book was Chicken Soup for the African American Soul. And I did that book tour in churches because I wanted to make a bestseller. And the book, the Chicken Soup for the Soul team, said, no, we want you to do it in bookstores. I'm like, well, unfortunately, black people are not beating down the door. It's just the truth. It's just the truth. The truth is sexy. Try it. They're not beating down the door to go to the bookstore. I said, but if I do this book tour in a church, I was like, it don't matter where they were on Saturday night, on Sunday morning, they gonna be in church. Now, they might smell like Saturday night, but they gonna be in church saying, amen. So I did a 27 city book tour in 27 different churches. I didn't even know there were 27 different ways to praise God. They were like, amen. And then there was amen, and then there was just think amen. Don't say it. And of course, I'm still dealing with the last church, so I'm like, amen. And everyone's like, mm, mm. We're not in that church today, man. Like, I was all kind of violation on this book, too. It didn't matter. I made a bestseller. So when I'm in church, When I'm in church and I say something like, they say, amen. When I'm with my girls and I say something my girls like, they say, you go, girl. But when I'm with a mixed group like this, guys, I won't have you say, you go, girl. Though I think some of y' all Die Hards might say it with me. When I'm in a group like this and I say something that you like, I want you to say, yes, yes. But I want the second yes to be louder than the first yes. Let's try. One, two, three. Yes. Yes. Only at a fest do you do it right the first time. Damn, man. When I was at Wells Fargo, I was like, yes, yes. And they were like, yes, yes. I was like, loosen your tie. No. No. Every time I say something that you like and it feels good to your soul, I want to hear you say, yes. Yes. Every time you hear your truth, no matter what I'm in the middle of saying, I just want you to yell out, yes. Yes. Every time it feels good to you and it says, that is me, Lisa. I want you to yell out. Even if your neighbor's not participating, I still want you to say. I still want you to say. Even if it stings a little bit, I still want you to say. Even when you leave this room and something feels good, I want you to say, yes. Yes. Even if I'm not doing this with my damn hands, I want you to say, and when you leave Ibiza and you go back home and something feels good to your soul, I want you to hear yourself say out loud, yes. Yes. And the people at home will think you're strange, because when you left home, you only said yes one time. But I'm a true believer that really, when you want to get something different, you do something different, even if it's just one additional yes. And the reason why the second yes has to be louder than the first yes is because the first yes is to the thing that you already know you can do. You Already know you got that. But that second yes, it has to be louder because that yes is to the calling on your life, and that yes is gonna cost you something. That yes is gonna require you muster up some courage that you didn't know you have, that you say some things that you didn't want to say, and you do some things that you didn't want to do so you can be the man, the woman you've always known yourself to be. Yes. Yes. So that second yes is going to come from your conviction. Yes. Yes. That second yes is going to require that you walk by yourself for a minute, because no one else will get your vision at that time. And at that time, you recognize that no one else gets your vision because God the divine didn't give your vision to anyone else. God gave your vision to you. Yes. Yes. So that second yes got to be a little louder in some cases, a lot louder than the first yes. We got it. Okay, we ready? It's getting hot in here. Don't take off none of your clothes unless you want to. Unless you want. Okay. So I was on a plane one night on the red eye, flying to New York. And I was reading my book, no Matter what that I wrote in 2009. And there was a part in no Matter what that has you expose the lies. It's a book that has you actually do work inside the book, and there's a part that talks about exposing the lies, and you just write down all the lies that you believe about yourself. And I was actually reading the book and doing the book, even though I was the author of the book I had gone through. I need the work too. I only do personal development so I can stay in it. So cheating. And I had just. I had just broken up with someone, and I just needed to remind myself of who I was. And so I'm on the plane and I'm reading the book, and my head's down. I got a baseball cap on. I'm kind of incognito. And this woman sees the back of the book and sees my picture, and she goes, oh, my God, I love her. I had my head. I was like, okay, I can get away with this if I don't quite look up. I said, thank you. She says, you know, she has another book. Like, she's in the Secret too. I was like, oh, yeah, thank you. Yeah. And I'm just writing, and I'm actually crying. And she goes, so is that her? Is that another book? She asked. I'm like, would you stop talking to me? Lady. I say, yeah, yeah, it's another book. She goes, oh, do you mind if I read it? And the codependent part of me would normally say, what? Sure, take it. And I knew that at that moment, I needed to give myself oxygen. I needed to be my own rescue. I needed to put my own oxygen mask on. And. And I said, with all due Respect, it's on Amazon.com I need this book right now. And I think I looked at her just long enough for her to realize it was me. And I said, I'm doing the work for me because I need the work. I said, so I think it's a great book and you may want to get it, but right now I need it. And so I just stopped by again for the 12th time to ask you, are you willing to do everything necessary so that the best you show up to the world, Are you willing? Because there's so many things. Sweetheart. Doc, could you come help me down? You know, you sit here just so you can be by the stage, right? I'm practicing. I love singles. I love rapping. I love it. I said, I'm not walking around with my head down anymore. And so are you willing? Are you willing to design a future for yourself that demonstrates that you love you madly? Are you willing to forgive like you have never, ever been betrayed? Because that's self love. Are you willing to not hold your future hostage to your past? Are you willing to no longer keep score? See, keeping score is collecting evidence of why it might not work, while keeping track is taking notes of when you needed to step right and you step left instead. So the next time you step, you step in the right direction. Are you willing? Are you willing? Suppress, reset, and give yourself a thousand second chances? And every time you get to 999, you press reset again and you get a thousand more. Because that's self love. See, self love is not expecting your perfection to show up. Self love is falling madly in love with your imperfection like you're a better person because of the mistakes you've made. Oh, my God. My grandmother says, baby, mistakes are like seasoning. And who wants a bland dish? But she said a little different. She said, don't nobody want a bland man. We were having girl talk. You know, I look at my life and I'm blown away. I'm just blown away by it. I'm blown away that I. I can have the past that I have struggling in school for all 12 years. I mean, struggle. When I got a C, I did the happy dance. Go, Lisa. It's your birthday? Hey, it actually is my birthday tomorrow, y'. All. It's your birthday. I spent so many years trying to keep up, trying to be like the next guy or girl. Trying to prove that I was smart enough. Anybody there? Yes. Yes. Come on, you guys. Let me know I'm in the right room. Trying to prove that even though I was born in this particular city, I'm still good enough. Yes. Yes. Even though I was born in this skin, I'm still smart enough. Yes. Yes. Yes. Even though my parents don't have much, we're still keeping up with everyone else. Yes. Yes. Yes. And then I found that I was trying for many years after that to outrun who I was. I was trying to hold on to one more title, hold on to one more label, hold on to one more book deal, hold on to one more zero on my annual income. Come on. Am I the only one? Yes. Yes. I was chasing something, not recognizing that I woke up enough. Like when you get that and you arrive back to you, oh, wait a minute. I woke up enough that you woke up smart enough, brilliant enough, bright enough. That today you are young enough, you're wise enough, that you are enough. There's nothing to prove, there's nothing to protect, there's nothing to hide, and there's nothing to defend that you are enough. 159% enough. And if no one can get you, if someone doesn't get you, they weren't supposed to have you in the first place. And that man's rejection is God's protection. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying that you only want to play with people who want to play with you. And that every deal is not going to go through because every deal won't honor who you are and your journey. And every relationship is not supposed to last for forever. That it was a season. Oh, let me tell you the season. Can y' all see me up there? Y' all all right? Yes. Yeah. It's good lighting right here. It's a nice oil. I'm get that oil again. You like that? Touch it. Yeah. It's a new. I'm never flirty. I'm practicing flirty. Like, I've been a damn businesswoman for years. I'm like, I'm just gonna do woman. So I'm gonna share with you three types of relationships. Now, someone came just for this information right here. And everything else will be bonus. Because every relationship you carry with you, first the one with yourself, then the one with your parents, whether they were with you or absent. Then the one with the caregivers around you and then your friendships and then your romantic relationships. They hold a different space. So let me give some definition and texture to some of your relationships. There are three types of relationships. How many? There are three types of relationships and I promise you every relationship will fall in one of these categories. And I'm gonna answer some questions for you right now, really fast. And for some of you this won't be enough. You'll want more because that's how a festers roll. So on Friday night I'm gonna do a little bitty norell. Friday night we're in the lecture room at 6:30 and we're just kind of chatting. We're just chatting in the electro room at 6:30. If you want more around personal development, just an unexpectedness. So the first type of relationship is a lifetime, say lifetime. And a lifetime relationship is just that one person's gonna bury the other person. No matter what you do, someone's going to bury the other person. Lifetime. Right. The second type of relationship is life giving. Now this relationship will last anywhere from one night. Yes, I did say one night. To two years. It will last from one night to two years. And this relationship was designed to give you back life, to let you know you're still in the game. How many of us have had that? Yes, yes. And it just reminded you, oh yeah, I'm still here. And that relationship is full of energy, it's full of passion and it's full of chaos. And you can't keep up that level of energy. Right. Forever. Which is why it can't last past two years. You'll go crazy or somebody's going to kill the other person. Something's going to happen because it's intense. That's why it brings you back to life, because its intensity wakes you up again. It was life giving. It wasn't supposed to happen. Last forever. It was life giving. Yes, yes, yes. The third type of relationship is the type of relationship that has the most turbulence, the most frustration, the most breakdown, the most hurt, the most pain. And it's the relationship that we're in the most. It's called a purposeful relationship. A purposeful relationship is a relationship full of purpose. And the reason why we have so much turbulence, breakdown and hurt is because once the purpose is fulfilled, the relationship get this, forever takes a change. And we spend the next five years, 10 years, 20 years trying to make a purposeful relationship. A what? A lifetime relationship. Oh yes, yes, yes. Making sense. Yes, yes. And so you wonder what happened. How many of us have said what happened? What happened was you were supposed to have children together, you were supposed to raise each other, you were supposed to grow up together, you were supposed to start a business together. You were supposed to have that defining moment together. And then once it was complete, the relationship took a shift. Does it need to end? No, but you just need to stop trying to get back to where it was. Yes, yes, yes. Can people be together forever in a purposeful relationship? Yes. Just accept the new path that it's on. And when a relationship is complete, recognize that it's complete because it did what it was supposed to do. Now what I did is I made a list of everybody I'd ever dated. You cannot see it. It's locked away in a safe with a lot of paper. So I wrote down the people that I dated and you put them in two columns. You put the type of relationship and what was the purpose. So it's either going to be life giving or purposeful. And then you write down the purpose. And when you find the purpose, all of a sudden you don't think the relationship was a waste of time. Now it has a reason. There's something you learn something that you gain. In my perceivingly worse relationship where my fiance picked me up and threw me three feet across the room and choked me until I passed out. When I can figure out the purpose of that relationship now I can bring Lisa 100% fully forth so that my next doesn't pay for my ex. Hello. You like that, right? Right, Right. Right. Because until you are complete and whole in some of those answers, you're trying to avoid them in the future until you can be whole and complete with them. It's purposeful. Any relationship you're no longer in is either purposeful or life giving. Figure out which one and figure out what it gave you. What life did it give you, what purpose did it fulfill? And then move on into your breathtaking future. Yes, yes, yes. So one of the things I recognized was that it's our job to recognize that your love doesn't belong to you. That someone's gonna cross your path tomorrow, next week, next year. And they need the love that you have. But in order for them to get it, you need to filled your cup up and you need to be in overflow. Because you can't love them from your cup, you gotta always love them from your sauce. Saucer? Yes. Because when you love them from your saucer, you never ever run out. You never love on an Empty tank. Love never hurts. A lot of times when love is hurting, it's because you haven't given you everything you need yet. And you're trying to give other people what you still need. You're trying to give them your oxygen, which is why you're sitting around going, hurry up, right? But if you, you know, I'm crazy, I'm drama, I'm visual, I never made it to Broadway, so this is my best damn stage. And so recognizing that when you love from your overflow, that's the most responsible thing that you could do. And that the greatest love that you can ever give the world is the demonstration of what loving you looks like. Because somewhere there's a 14 year old girl, there's a 6 year old boy, there's a 60 year old man, there's a 46 year old woman who hasn't discovered herself yet. There's a 63 year old woman looking to redefine herself. And they're all looking at you. They're not looking at the way you love them, they're looking at the way you love you. And they're looking at your examples and they're saying, well, if she can do it, I can do it. If she can give herself a thousand second chances, then I can give myself one more. And if he can give himself another chance, if he can get up after that financial fall, if he can get up after that divorce, if she can get up after that breakup, if he can get back up after having to leave his children, if she can get back after up after having that child and she can define herself, then what can I do? See, we don't think about what we can do based on what we hear. We live inside possibility based on what we see. And so your demonstration of how madly in love with you you are helps me to recognize how madly in love with me I get to be. And then when I love myself enough, then all my extra just oozes over onto you. And when you let your light shine like that because you've fallen in love with you, all of a sudden you get in the corner and that light for a moment brightens up someone's momentary darkness. And then you've been a blessing to someone else. Humanity. Humanity doesn't start. Thank you. Come on, give me my yes, yes. Give you your yes, yes. Humanity doesn't start with everybody. Humanity starts with somebody. Humanity isn't many. Humanity is one and one more and one more and one more. Sometimes we make it so big, it becomes so ambiguous. We never have to touch It. Humanity is the sister at the grocery store. Humanity is the black man that's walking down the street who looks like he can use a hello and a smile. Humanity is the Asian woman who's in the corner who can use some love. Humanity is the white man who. Who's in the corner who might not say hi to me, but if he sees love on my face, then he knows that I mean him no harm. I'm his sister. Humanity is each one of us. Humanity are the Trump voters and the Obama voters and the people who want to defect from us, like some of us, because it's crazy. Humanity. Humanity is all of us. Humanity is all of us. That's who we are. You know, I'm starting a seven week vacation now for the first time in maybe ten years. And I'm staying in Spain until June 6th, just hanging out. And that was a big demonstration of love for Lisa. And as a business owner, yeah, it makes you a little nervous. My company went public three years ago, and so now it's all about, you know, it could be about the numbers, but it's not. It's about the quality of life for me. It's about loving the moment. I don't want to love the arrival as much as I want to love the journey. I want to love the journey and I want to feel the journey. And in order for my yes to have value, my no needs to be said and I want to exercise my no and my yes. I want to dance until my knees hurt. I want to say, stay awake until I doze off in the middle of a sentence because the conversation is so good, you know, I want to laugh until my belly aches. I want to sleep until the sun wakes me up. I want to find out what does my song sound like, even off key. I want my heart to skip a beat and I want my stomach to turn in knots because he just took my breath away by the way he looked at me. I don't want to miss a moment of this life called love. But every time I look in the mirror at Lisa, I want to look at her and I want to say, God, I love walking with you. I love holding your hand. I love this journey. And I'm proud. I'm proud of the way you wear imperfection. And so I say that love starts with self. Love. It starts with being willing, being willing to recognize that the greatest love of all is inside of you, that it's always been inside of you. It's always been what you need. It's always been where you were it's always been.