How To Eliminate Damaging Belief Patterns | Shelly Lefkoe

Wow. So we all want to be free of our limitations. We all want to be free to have lives where we can express our passions, where we can love well and be loved well. That's what we all want. So in the next 30 minutes I am going to tell you not just how our beliefs get formed, how they manifest the specific beliefs that underlie our specific problems, but the best part is I'm going to tell you how to get rid of your beliefs. Sound good? So 34 years ago when we started doing this work, nobody was talking about beliefs. People would say what do you mean beliefs? Like as in religious beliefs? And then we say, no, no, we mean beliefs. And we can eliminate beliefs and people. You say oh yeah, because you could really eliminate beliefs. Even self help people used to say that to us. Oh, you can't really eliminate a belief. And we can and we do. So first of all, I want to start with what is a belief? So I want everybody to do the first exercise with me. Okay? And again, don't be enlightened because I swear you'll rip yourself off. I want you to close your eyes and I'm going to ask you to say a couple of things out loud to yourself and then just kind of sit with how it feels. Okay? So everybody say I'm not good enough. Now say I'm not important. Now say mistakes and failures are bad. Now say I'm a monkey. Good. Open your eyes. So when you said I'm a monkey, I'm going to keep trying to walk. When you said I'm a monkey, how did that feel? Silly. When you said I'm not good enough, how did that feel? How sad? Bad. Not good. Now I'm going to tell you a secret. I'm not good enough are just words. Just like I'm a monkey. So the first way you know you have a belief is it doesn't feel good when you say it because if you didn't believe it, it would feel like I'm a monkey. It would feel like just words. I'm not good enough is the single most common that people have around the world, in every country truly. I have clients now in Mozambique, in Uganda, all over the world. In Brooklyn, New York where I'm from. Is that shocking? No. So we all have these self esteem beliefs now what is a belief? A belief is a statement about reality that you believe is the truth. It's like being pregnant. You either is or you ain't make sense. That's what a belief is. I believe. Like Vishen said, I believe there is a God, and he's watching there. I believe that men are dangerous. Now, if you believe men are dangerous, what kind of. How are you going to act around men? Are you going to be open and available and trusting? No. If you believe I'll never get what I want in life, are you going to go for it? No. And I'll tell you something about beliefs. And again, Vishen has brought up a lot of this with you already. Peter Diamandis in his book Bold, says you should live a bold life and take chances and risks. And in Silicon Valley, the new mantra is fail often, fail fast and fail, fail forward, fail forward, fail often, fail fast and fail forward. So learn from your failures. Larry Page says that he wishes he could start his own schools because kids come out of school afraid to fail. And you can't work for Google if you're afraid to make mistakes and fail. Now, everybody in here is very evolved and smart, and you all know this, but how many of you deep down inside believe that mistakes and failures are bad? And if you do, what kind of entrepreneur are you going to be? Make sense. Now, how do you know you have that belief? Look at your life. When you fail, do you tell everybody, I got on the mat, I. I tried, I did it and I failed? Or do you beat yourself up and say, God, I'm so stupid? So we know that I have worked with Harvard PhDs. True, three of them who had the belief I'm stupid. They know they're not stupid. They have a PhD from Harvard, but down deep, they still believe it. And I'm going to tell you in a little while how that is possible. Okay? Okay. So that's what a belief is. Now we're going to look at how do our beliefs get formed. So I want to do a little exercise with you. Okay? Close your eyes. And I want you to make believe that you're a little boy or a little girl. Really do this. I promise you'll see something very illuminating. And I'm your mom, and you're about three or four years old, and you come running into the room and you say, mommy, Mommy, I cleaned my room. And I say, you did. And I come into your room and I say, you cleaned your room. The toys are sticking out from under the bed. Your bed's a mess, and the closet door is open, and I can see all the mess in your closet. And you go, oh. So the next day is your soccer game, and you're very excited, and you are playing soccer, and I'm at the game, and you score A goal. And you look up at the stands and you put your hands up and you're so excited. And at the end of the game, you say to me, mommy, I scored a goal. And I said, you did. And you know what? If you concentrate the way you did when you scored that goal, I bet you could score a lot more goals. Next day. You want to pour your juice all by yourself because you're three years old and that's what three year olds do. So you pour the juice and it spills all over. And I look at you and I say, oh, God, can't you be careful? Can't you watch what you're doing? I told you to pour with two hands. At some point, what do you think you're going to conclude? Shout it out. I'm not good enough. I can't do anything right. Okay, want to do one more? Close your eyes. Now you're a little girl or little boy again. Same thing. And really imagine. Remember back to when you were a kid and you wanted your mom and dad's attention? It's what every three and four year old wants. So I come in the room and you run to me and you say, mommy, I could do a cartwheel. I could do a cartwheel. I said, just a minute, honey, I just got home. I'm tired. Let me take my shoes off. And you say, okay. And then later that night, you come in and you say, mommy, I want to tell you what I learned in school today. I learned something so exciting. And Brittany wants to be my best friend. And she said she wants me to come to. And I'm standing and holding an iPhone. And I look at you and say, yeah, I'm listening, honey. Go ahead. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. And as you're talking to me, I'm playing with my iPhone. At some point, what do you think you're going to conclude? I'm not important. I don't matter. You can open your eyes. Thank you. So was that real to everybody? Did everybody have a sense of how our beliefs get formed? Where they come from? Yes. Okay, good. Now, we come into this world as a little ball of consciousness. Before you make any distinctions about yourself, life or people, do they exist? Think about it. You come into this world before you say, life is, I am, money is. Do any distinctions exist? No. And you don't know anything. You don't know if you're okay or not okay. You don't know if life is hard or easy. You don't know if money is scarce and hard to get or abundant so you watch these two people who seem to know everything. They're big and they drive, and they know the answers to everything. I mean, I don't know how old I was when I first found out that teachers didn't know everything. I thought that was part of the job. You had to know everything. So we certainly think our parents know everything. So if they look at us with annoyance or disgust, what is the one word question every little kid asks all day long? Why? Why can't I live up to their expectations? Why? Oh, I must not be good enough. Make sense if you come from a family of philanthropists and they donate money. If you're Vishen's kid and you see how he donates his proceeds, you think, wow, money must be abundant. Not something I have to worry about. There must be plenty out there. And it's a really good thing to give as opposed to watching your parents go. You have to save for a rainy day, like my father did. Now I want to tell you a story about my life. So I had a Jewish mother. Now, your mother doesn't have to be Jewish to be a Jewish mother, but mine was. And she loved me. I was blessed. My mother truly was an angel. But she thought that what would make me happy was having everyone love me and include me and invite me. So when I was a kid, I would come home and I'd say, oh, Sheila and Annie, my two best friends went to the movies and they didn't invite you. And I'd go, oh. And she'd say, you were invited to Debbie's birthday party. I'm so happy. What are you gonna wear? You weren't invited to Betsy's birthday party. The teacher doesn't like you. You think the teacher doesn't like you? She doesn't want to be your best friend. Oh, I'll get you a new best friend. So I asked, why is it so important to her that everybody loves me? Well, I guess what makes me good enough is having other people think well of me. The single most important common beliefs that runs us as human beings and as parents. So my life, I was a pretty confident kid. I really was. I was out there. I was always alive and all that. But, man, every time I walked away from an interaction, I'd say, did I tell her she looked pretty? Did I ask about her father? Did. Did I. You know? And then I would call people and say, what are you wearing to a fest tonight? Are you getting dressed or are you wearing shorts? Why? Because I wanted to fit in. Because I wanted to make sure that nobody said. Did you see Shelly last night? She was a little dressed up when my life. When I got rid of that belief, it was. I call it my Martin Luther King Jr. Moment, because I was free at last. Free at last. Thank you, Morty. I am free at last, truly. So this is how our beliefs get formed. Now I want to talk about how our beliefs manifest, and we're going to talk about what specific beliefs cause our specific problems. Okay? So. And I want to make. I want to actually make a distinction. A pattern or a problem is what you want to get rid of. Nobody cares about getting rid of beliefs. You care about getting rid of problems. Procrastination, anxiety, worrying about what people think, fear of failure, eating disorders, worrying about what you look like. That's what you want to get rid of. And underlying those patterns are beliefs. So getting rid of one belief is a nice. It's a nice thing. Depending on what belief, it could actually have a. An impact in your life. But until you get rid of all the beliefs underlying the pattern, the whole pattern rarely goes away. Does that make sense? Yes. Yes. As my friend Lisa says. Yes. Yes. Okay. So I'm going to give you an opportunity to make a lot of money, but you have to take my bet. Okay? I have two friends, John and Jane. John has the beliefs. You got to listen. I'm not good enough. I'm not important. What I have to say is not important. Mistakes and failures are bad. And if I make a mistake, I'll be rejected. And. And what makes me good enough is having other people think well of me. He has a fear of being criticized and judged. He has a fear of not living up to expectations and a fear of rejection. Jane has none of those beliefs. She believes she's good enough no matter what anybody thinks about her. And what she has to say is important, and she has no fear of rejection. One of my friends has a fear of public speaking. Which one of my friends has the fear? Huh? John. And how much would you bet that you knew that was true? Everything. You'd bet every penny. And you don't know. My friends and I ask every client I have, and they all say the same thing. I'd bet everything. So you can see how our beliefs manifest. Okay? Now give me one, because now I have to tell you how to get rid of your beliefs. I need one problem that somebody has that you'd be willing to. Or your friend has sitting next to you that you would like to know what beliefs are underneath that problem. So that's a belief. Okay? I Asked for a problem. So how does that manifest? So if you I don't have enough money in my bank account. So do you not ask for the money that you're worth? Do you spend it before you make it? Why do you not have enough money in your bank account? I spend money before I earn it, right? As soon as I earn it, I spend the money right away. And I don't have enough money in my bank account. So she might have the belief money is scarce and hard to get, so when I get it, I have to spend it right away. But you also might have the opposite problem. If you believe money is scarce and hard to get, you're going to save it and never spend it and never enjoy it because you think it's not coming soon. Okay, what about a relationship problem? Again, a belief. So you guys problem. How does that manifest? Not great relationship with my daughter. Because what do you do or not do? What's your behavior? Oh, gosh. Okay. Because I'm not letting her just be who she is. Okay, So I don't let my child be who she is. I'm in, as my daughter says, I'm up in her business, right? So I'm responsible for other people's feelings or other people's experiences. So if we had a lot of time, I would go through every pattern or process, problem, and I tell you exactly what beliefs are underneath it. If you grow up and your parents fight all the time and you conclude relationships don't work, you'll probably be very busy working. Make sense? Yeah. If you believe I'm not good enough, but what makes me good enough are my achievements. What are you going to be doing all the time? Achieving. And you might say to me, shelly, I don't know my kids. My wife is ready to divorce me like my client just did. I'm worth $10 million. When is it going to be enough? The answer is never. It's never enough. It's never going to make you good enough. You can achieve and achieve and achieve. It's never going to make you good enough. Okay, now how do you get rid of beliefs? Anybody care about that? Yes. Here's why. Our beliefs stay with us through 20 years of therapy and every self help program under the sun. Okay? So I want everybody to close your eyes and I want you to go back to the time where I was your mom and I was criticizing you. And if you want to do this in your own childhoods with your own parents, you might actually have an amazing experience. So go back to a time where you Felt criticized or judged or you felt ignored by mom and dad? Doesn't it seem like you could see I'm not good enough? Look at my report card. Look at my father's face. Doesn't it seem like you could see I'm not important? Like, if I was there, you would point to it. Raise your hand if you get that. Awesome. Thank you. Now stay there. What I want you to look at is you never saw I'm not good enough or I'm not important. You saw your parents criticizing you or ignoring you, and the only place that I'm not good enough or I'm not important ever existed was where, huh? In your mind. So anything you could see, you can stay with your eyes closed. Anything you could see has a color, shape. Shape and location. Yes. You cannot see I'm not good enough. You cannot see I'm not important. If you were molested, you cannot see I'm damaged goods. I'm powerless. You see events and I'm not good enough. I'm powerless. I'm damaged goods. Was what you made up make sense? Great. Open your eyes. I'm powerless. I'm not good enough. Are beliefs. Now, how many people believe in Santa Claus? Cute. Always have one in the room. Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny. Here's why you cannot not believe something you think you saw. Right? So if I said to you, I'm really tall, you'd say, no, you're not really tall. And I say, no, no, I am. You'd say, shelly, you're not tall. Right. Because, you see, I'm not tall. So it is very hard to convince people, which is this is why we all have our problems with our beliefs, that what you think is the truth isn't because you think you saw Santa Claus. And one day you see you, your father in a Santa Claus costume. And in that minute, what happens to the belief? And does it ever come back? No, because when you get, I never saw it. I made it up. Now, I'm giving you, obviously, a very condensed version of our process because we do things to loosen up the beliefs. We make it very safe to see what beliefs are underneath the pattern that you've come to us with. But this is the reason I wanted you to see, to really get. Now, there's a very small percentage of people out there who are going, yeah, but I feel my beliefs. So you're a very miniscule percent of the population, and we have a different way of handling you. But for 20 years, we did. You know, if you're standing and talking to somebody and you, you have a belief. Vishen doesn't like you because every time he walks past you, he doesn't say hello. And Vishen walks past you and doesn't say hello. And you turn to your friend and you go, see, I told you he doesn't like me. Yeah, See, can you see he doesn't like me? No. So here's the deal. When you eliminate your beliefs, you have the space to really create the lives that you dream of. Helen Keller said, life is a daring adventure or nothing at all. If you believe failure is part of the game and I have what it takes, you can live a daring life. When my kids were little, I used to tell them, life is like a yardstick. Most people live somewhere in the first place. 2ft 11 and 3 quarter inches. What life is about is that last quarter of an inch. When you get rid of your beliefs. You can dance in that last quarter of an inch. And may you all dance in that last quarter quarter of an inch. Thank you.