How To Get Over A Breakup | Neil Strauss

I want to ask you this, Neil, because this recently happened to a friend of mine. So a friend of mine just came out of a 10 year relationship. This is an employee of mine. And he's absolutely distraught. Right. He's just really hurting right now. What would your advice be for someone who just went through or is going through a painful breakup?

Yeah, I think that painful breakups are the greatest opportunity for self growth. First thing first, by the way, is no contact. How's he been doing with that? Not very good, right?

I don't know yet. I'll have to check with him.

So no contact. No vicarious contact. Like checking their Facebook profile. Right. So the first thing is no contact because every time you contact someone after breakup, you're resetting the clock in your own recovery. It's kind of like we were just talking about the people who are in relationships. It's like you contact them and it feels okay and then five minutes later you need it again, it becomes like this. So it resets the clock. So you've got to like firstly, first do a strong no contact thing. Something I always advise people when they're breaking up is to actually say, hey, for one week we'll be available for each other. You know, if we're really going to make this decision, you know, we'll be available for each other anytime you're in pain or you talk or you know, let's just be there. And then after, at this date, let's just without any heart feels love, let's just not communicate until we're actually over. Until you're the other side of it, you can always be friends. I don't think there's anything wrong with being friends with an ex personally, but only when you can truly be friends with them with no expectations and let's say childish needs. So one is no contact. Second is that a breakup is a great opportunity to go explore. First of all, there's an abandonment wound being triggered. It has nothing to do with the person your friend was dating. Abandonment. There's an old wound being replicated that has nothing to do with this person because the truth is, I'm quoting my mentor in the book again, but she's great and I wish she let me use her actual name in the book. She didn't, which is just a shame because she's a genius. But she said the only people who can be abandoned are children and dependent elders. You know, as long as if you're an adult, then no one can abandon you but yourself. And they say the word abandonment and I couldn't. I want to put this in the book, but I couldn't get it down for a fact, like 100%. I'm meticulous with facts. They say the word abandonment comes from. I think it comes from passion. I think it comes from passion. So you're actually. I forget the root. And maybe that's why I didn't put it in the book. But when it's not abandonment at the end of a relationship, you're actually returning to yourself. So it's not abandonment that occurs at the end of a relationship. You actually lost yourself in the relationship. The passion. The passion was the abandonment. And now that the passion is over, you're returning to yourself. And if that's painful, it means there's a relationship with yourself that you need to work on. So my answer to your friend is, everything you just said about self love, they need to go do, and then they can be ready for the next relationship and be sort of centered enough inside that when. If a breakup or a fight or separation occurs, it doesn't send their whole sense of self into a downward spiral.