Reignite The Love And Passion In Your Relationships With This Simple Tweak

I'm here talking to Arielle Ford. She's the author of a number of just incredible books on relationships including Wabi Sabi Love, which is just powerful book that anyone in a relationship should read. Arielle's new book is called how to Turn youn Mate into a Soulmate. And you know, in an era where as the longer you are in a relationship, sometimes it can feel tougher and tougher and tougher to make that relationship work. This is a really important book. Now in this quote, quick little interview, Arielle is going to share some really powerful ideas. I wanted to record this because I've heard this from Arielle. That made such a huge difference in my life and I wanted Arielle to share this with all of you. Arielle, how are you?

Oh, I'm doing great, Vishen. Thanks so much for having me on.

So tell us about this key idea.

When I found this out, it was a game changing, life changing bit of wisdom that blew my mind. So one of the world's leading marriage researchers is man named Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington. And what he discovered. I'm glad you're sitting down for this because it's going to blow your mind. What he discovered is that every couple, not some, every couple has a minimum of nine irreconcilable differences. These are things you're never, ever going to agree on and that's normal. So we go into marriage and suddenly we're butting heads and we're disagreeing and we're responding as if something's wrong when in fact it's totally normal. Now how do you fix this? How do you deal with it? Well, first you decide. Decide that regardless of what your partner is saying or doing, you're going to love and respect them and then you're going to learn how to agree to disagree and, and you're going to learn how to have really potent, honest, deep communication so everybody can get their needs met in spite of the fact that you totally disagree on certain things. So for example, almost every couple I've ever met has a spender and a saver. So in my marriage, Brian's the spender. He grew up in a wealthy home. I'm the saver. I grew up in a relatively poor home and I came into the relationship with all kinds of, what do they call that, not just prosperity issues but, oh, poverty consciousness. That was one of my big issues. So I would watch what he would do with money. And in spite of the fact that money wasn't a problem, we both earned a Lot of money. I would just go bananas, like, oh, my God, how could you spend $2,000 on a raincoat, an Armani raincoat, when every raincoat I'd ever bought, I bought on sale somewhere. And that was not an effective way to communicate what was going on with me. I had to get really deep and really vulnerable and just say to him, listen, I know you grew up with a different set of values and that you really appreciate the finer things in life and we can afford them. But I am very afraid of becoming a bag lady. My biggest fear is that I'll be homeless someday. So spending that kind of money is an adjustment for me. I'm going to make the adjustment. I'm going to get used to it. But I just need you to understand, when you grow up in a home where you come home from school and the water's been turned off or the car's been repossessed and every fight you ever hear is about money, it's a different mindset. So once I was able to be vulnerable and share what was my reality around money, he had more compassion for my reaction. And once I came to understand that he wasn't being frivolous with money, that he's very financially responsible, but that's how he grew up. His mother taught him quality. He only knows from Armani. This is a man whose passion in life is working with the homeless in his Harmoni T shirts. Anyway, that's just one example of what happens. We come in with these differences, and then we learn to effectively communicate with each other. And, you know, one of the things that often happens is that women don't really understand that men's brains are different from theirs. So they think, you know. Well, I tell him all the time what I need to make, you know, what he needs to do to make me happy. I'm always telling him, but, yes, how are you telling? Are you yelling, shouting, screaming, being sarcastic? If you are, he can't hear it. So there's a way to actually get him to do what you want if you know how to talk to him. And I'm just going to give you one example that Vishen really related to when I shared it with him. So let's say you and I are married. And one of my big complaints about you is that one of your jobs, one of your chores, is to take out the garbage every Sunday night. Yet I always have to remind you, it seems like every Sunday night, Vishen, I'm like, going, did you take the damn garbage out yet? Oh, no, I forgot. I'LL get to it in a little while. And then you go play video games for a while and it's like, hey, it's almost midnight. Did you take the garbage out? And so for years I've been yelling, screaming, bitching, moaning, complaining at you. Take out the damn garbage. Okay, now why hasn't this worked? Because as soon as I'm yelling, screaming, bitching, moaning, you tune me up. Now, here's another way I could approach it. It's like, okay, there's a Sunday night. You take out the garbage, you walk back in the door, I come over, I give you a really big sexy kiss and a hug, and I whisper in thank you so much for taking out the stinky garbage. You are my hero. You have no idea what a relief it is for me not to have to put my hands anywhere near that smelly stuff. And by the way, I saw you helping little Johnny earlier today with his math homework. Do you know you're one of the best dads alive on the planet today? I probably don't tell you often enough, but I really love you. Now, do you think you're ever going to forget to take the garbage out again? Ever?

I'm laughing because it's so true. It reminds me of an article I read. There was actually a book on it. It was a dolphin trainer who started using the same techniques she used to train dolphins on her husband. And it worked. Basically, it's all rewarded. Ignore the crap. Reward the good stuff. So, Arielle, thank you so much. That was a really, really, really powerful tip. I think anyone in a long term relationship would find that remarkably useful. Your book is coming out December 29th. Could you hold up, please? Turn your mate into your soulmate. So right below this video there's a link. Go ahead, check out the book. I think it's something that you would really, really, really love reading. Arielle, just real quick, this book is for anyone who's in a long term relationship but kind of feels that things are fizzling out or getting boring or stagnant and want to create that spark of magnificence again. Right?

Right. Yes. Yes. And it's filled with 16 different exercises you can do to reignite and restart your love and your passion.

Right. And who wouldn't want that in life? Because I think all of us know that one of the biggest things that lead to our happiness is the quality of our relationships.

Exactly.

So thank you, Ariel. Those of you watching, go check out the book. I think it'll be something you'll enjoy reading. Thanks for sharing those powerful ideas and tips with us. Thanks.

Session.