Austin Mao teaches how to turn relationship fights into connection. He uses a simple exercise: repeat "you" and "me" with different tones to shift the energy of conflict. Mirroring your partner with compassion, not defensiveness, makes them feel heard.
Chapters
What would be your advice for moments when you want to be so intimate and present with a partner that the moment just feels timeless?
Two scenarios, right? There's one scenario where things are going well, we have a date night and it's 10pm, we're lying in bed, there's a candle lit. That's one scenario. The other scenario is when we are in the suck, we have a fight, we have a disagreement, something is off. In the latter, when we're really in a challenging situation, I think what's of utmost importance is making the unconscious conscious, AKA revealing our experience. When I guide people through relationship dynamics, what I work to do is abstract, away from the story. If you and I are in a relationship and we're having a challenge, if I start telling you my side of the story or how I feel, it's super easy to trigger you. Okay. But let's go a layer under that. What if we started talking gibberish? What if I started going? It would disengage the mental side of your mind and you would just be dropped into your emotional body. But I have another exercise where this, the two people, all they can say is you and me. Because actually what's happening if I go.
You, you, you, me, me, me in.
A conflict, that's actually what's happening. It's saying, I matter. You want to try it on?
Let's try it. Let's try it. Let's give the audience a bizarre demo.
Bizarre. Okay. Okay. First, what we're going to do is we're going to point at each other and with intensity, the same level of intensity, we're going to say you at the same time, right? Okay, let's try it on. Ready?
And what'd you notice? As. As that went by, it almost got comical. It almost got comical. Right? Right. It's like, this is ridiculous. We're just pointing at you, saying you. Yeah. Okay, now let's point at ourselves and say me. Ready? Me. Now, how did that feel?
That felt pathetic.
Pathetic.
Felt so needy.
What was the energy curve?
You felt aggressive. Me. Felt needy. But either were like icky energy.
Okay, now you say me pointing at yourself. And I'm gonna say you with the same intensity, but with compassion.
You, You, You.
Me.
You.
Me.
You, Me, Me. You.
Me.
You.
That felt empathetic, felt loving.
How did that feel in your body?
Comfortable.
Comfortable.
Peaceful.
Peaceful. I imagine that you felt met.
I did. I did.
I felt heard, seen, like. And really what I'm saying is energy.
Transfer like this demonstrates how emotions and how we use words and our tonality can make such a shift in energy.
Exactly. My body is tingling right now. What I'm feeling is really connected to you.
Right?
And what I'm effectively doing is putting. Putting the energy of I care about you. How you feel matters to me. But how often does that get lost in translation when we're in the story of, like, you did this. I, I need this. You violated these boundaries.
Right?
It gets. The compassion is lost because we're in the mind, right. We're not present. This is a great exercise to do when you're in a charged place, because the you and the me discharges the energy. We're making the unconscious conscious that what we're really saying underneath all the words is, I matter. I matter. What I feel matters, care about me. That's really what we're wanting. And then when you meet intensity with compassion, here's the difference. Particularly the masculine. We're taught that when the feminine is in their emotion to just be stoic. And we often, we try to fix the problem, right? Which the feminine doesn't like, but that's our default way. That's how we grew up. I'm stoic and you're emotional. What happens? I'm effectively saying, like, calm down. No saying no to your emotion.
