What most leaders get wrong about communication | Monty Moran

A trick that will make you a better communicator for the rest of your life. Don't let people's words distract you from what they really mean. It's kind of funny because we've been taught our whole lives, listen, you've got to listen. Listening is important. Listen. Listen to what I'm saying. You didn't listen in order to really listen, don't listen so carefully to someone's words. If you really want to understand people, we need to stop listening so carefully to their words, because words are often misleading. At the heart of excellent leadership lies this amazing skill of communication. It's the most important skill a leader can have, and it's one that requires a lot of training and effort. Since most people in a supervisor role are not good communicators, and since this skill is so critical, most people will see enormous rewards by improving their ability to communicate. What do I mean by communication? Well, communication includes all of the ways that people and animals share information. So I mean a very broad definition. All the ways we share information, that's communication. But speaking and words in particular, while they are our most familiar form of communication, are really only a small fraction of what makes up communication as a whole. And often they're not the most powerful or reliable parts of communication. So instead, communication is made up of a whole bunch of verbal and nonverbal techniques. And one of my goals for this lesson is just to ask you to become more aware of all these different kinds of communication. Verbal communication, for example, includes words. The cadence with which you speak them, the pace, the volume, the space between words, pauses, silence, laughter, tone, and the choice of words. Nonverbal communication includes touch, absence or presence of eye contact, gestures, body language, spatial proximity, so how close you are, silence, ignoring behaviors or a person's presence or absence, posture, facial expressions, actions, and even pheromones and smells can be a form of communication. But all of these many types of communication are so critical, so critical, in fact, that I want to tell you a trick that will make you a better communicator for the rest of your life. Don't let people's words distract you from what they really mean. Yes, you heard me correctly. I said, don't let people's words distract you from what they really mean. I'm actually asking you, in order to really listen, don't listen so carefully to someone's words. If you really want to understand people, we need to stop listening so carefully to their words, because words are often misleading. As everybody, all of us, succumb to certain societal Pressures about what is and what is not appropriate to say to someone. We've all practiced being deceptive with our words. You know, just give you some examples. Because it's not deceptive. Not deceptive in some hostile way, but it's just sort of make society run smoothly. But for instance, pretending to have a good day or to be happy. How are you doing? Oh, I'm good. I'm good. When maybe you're not, you know, thanking someone for a gift that you don't even like. Oh, yeah, thank you. It's really nice. Yeah, I like it, you know, but maybe you don't like it. But you get good at saying that. Oh, thank you so much. Always. Wonderful. Favorite thing I've ever seen. Okay. You get good at that. Okay. Even if you're not a liar, you get good at being deceptive in some ways to make things go smoothly and to be polite and so forth. It's not a bad thing, but it's something you need to be aware of. But okay. People are not so skilled at being deceptive with the other non verbal forms of communication. So the other methods are much more reliable to really listen to or to look for, because it's not all through your ears. You're going to see some of this too, of course. When you ignore someone's words in favor of really listening and then respond not to their words, okay, but to what they're actually communicating to you, it's very powerful. You get immense credibility. When someone knows they can't bullshit you because you're really listening. You're looking deep into their heart and soul, way beyond their words. It's almost as though you're reading their mind. They can't help but respect you when they know that you're paying such careful attention to what they're saying. When they know you're understanding what they really mean, even if they didn't really want you to understand what they mean, you're understanding what they mean. And this causes them to feel seen, valued and understood. They feel affirmed. It catches them off guard, but in a good way. When I was CEO of Chipotle, I developed quite a reputation, okay? So I'd go into these restaurants, I'd talk to, like I said, 25,000 people. And a lot of times when I would sit down and talk to someone who I'd never talked about before, they'd tell me, I've heard there's no point trying to bullshit you. I heard it so many times. And to me that was an immense compliment. It meant that they knew I was there to really listen and that I really cared about getting the truth, understanding what was really going on with them. Let me give you an example. When I did these restaurant tour interviews at Chipotle, I'd always sit down with the entire team, one on one, and ask a lot of questions. Okay? So, for instance, you know, I might ask someone, if I'm sitting down with a crew person, I might say, so how do you like working with your manager? I mean, it wouldn't be my first question, by the way. I'd ask lots of questions to get to know them, ask them about their life, ask them where they live, where they come from, how they liked it here, how they got to get their. How they came to get their job at Chipotle, whatever. But then I might say something like, you know, so how do you like working with your manager? And they might say something, listen to the words, but then listen beyond the words. They might say something like, oh, it's pretty good. Or they might say, oh, it's good. Well, those. The tone with which I just said that made it totally obvious that they didn't like it at all. So I'd say something in response like, oh, so it's not that great. Why not? And they'd usually laugh at me. They'd be like, what? I didn't say that. And I'd say, yeah, you did. And then they knew I'd caught them, but they wanted to be caught. Okay? People have a huge desire to tell the truth. They want the truth to come out, but only if there is someone on the other end of their communication who's really wanting to know the truth. I wanted to be that person. I wanted to work really, really hard to earn that reputation of being a person who really, really listened and really cared. Because I did. But I wanted that reputation. I was glad to have that reputation. I didn't want people to try to bullshit me. I wanted to know what was really going on. And again, when you really, really listen like this, people feel seen and valued and understood and loved, and that's what everyone in the world wants. They're flattered that you care enough to really want to know when what's in their heart. But this work of really listening, I mean, it is work. It requires attention, it requires presence. It requires vulnerability, like a sense of openness, like you're ready to listen, you're ready to watch, you're ready to really be attentive. It requires you to be observant, and it requires intense curiosity, and it requires your cell phone to be off. Okay. And the ringer off. And maybe turn it face down or just put it in your briefcase or your pocket or your purse or whatever. Get it off the table. You can't be distracted and still listen effectively. You can kind of listen, but you can't listen super effectively if you're distracted. Next time you talk to someone, watch for evidence that their words are not conveying what they really mean and call them out on it. Okay? Could be as simple as, hey, how are you today? You know, how are you doing? Good. Well, that means they're not that good. Call them on it. Hey, it doesn't sound like you are that good. What's going on? Can I help you with something? Everything okay at home? You know, so as you listen to people in your daily life, identify occasions where you can tell that someone's underlying meaning, what they really mean or what's really going on is inconsistent with their words. And in some way, any way you want, make it clear to them that you're listening deeply enough and that you know what they're really communicating. Okay, so that's number one. Try that exercise. Go ahead and write it in your journal. Write, you know, what you said, what the response was in words, and what led you to believe that the words weren't accurate. Were not accurate. Okay? And write down why you thought they were not accurate. Then write how you called the person out on it and then what the result was. I think what you're going to find is that the person's like, whoa, that's cool. You're really listening. You really cared about what was really going on with me. Okay, next. This one's kind of funny. Okay, but try it. Say the words I love you to someone that you love. Okay, but say it as a question. Okay, try. Would look like this, I love you. Like, maybe like that. Okay, try that and see how they respond. The point you're going to see is that the words I love you are obviously very flattering, loving words. Right? People like to hear that, at least from people they want to love them. Okay, they're nice words to hear, but if they're set as a question, they're not nice to hear. And the person will be like, you know, you'll probably get a look from someone that's pretty curious. Write down who you said it to. Write down what their reaction was. Okay, last exercise and please try this one. Even though it's a little bit nerve wracking, pick someone who has a moment to sit down with you. Okay. A minute and look at them in the eye without speaking for a whole minute. Okay? So before you do this, you'll tell them, hey, I've got this exercise I want to do. I'm going to. Let's sit down. I just want to look at you in the eye, and you look at me in the eye for one minute. The only rule is we can't speak, okay? And just look at them in the eye. Watch what happens. Okay? Do this for a minute and watch what happens. Is it possible to avoid communicating with them while you're looking at them in the eye? Go ahead and journal and write what happened during that minute. What feelings did you have? Was there a tendency to want to look away? Did somebody giggle? Did somebody sort of smile? Like, this is weird? You know, the point is looking someone in the eye. Tons of communication is taking place, even without words, even without tone or intonation or anything. Just eye contact. And what this brings up is the point that it's really almost impossible to not communicate. Almost impossible. So go ahead and write in your journal what your experience was with that, Sam.