AITA Bridezilla or Crazy Sister?? | Wedding Planner REACTS

Am I the a-hole for telling my sister that I can't go to her wedding without my son? Reddit says you're not the a-hole, but we'll see about that. I have a 5-year-old son named Sam. I had my son at a very young age, as did his father John, with whom I have a healthy relationship to this day. John is American, I am not, so we got married when I got pregnant so we could all live here in the US. My family is not happy with my pregnancy and pretty much shut me out of their lives. Oh, I'm so sorry. John's parents very happily accepted me, but they are very old and all the responsibility of caring for Sam falls on us. Which means no nights off, no frequent dates, and nothing that generally can't involve Sam. The responsibility falls especially on me since I take care of the household while John works long shifts. 6 months ago, my mother called me to tell me that my sister was getting married. During a video call, my sister asked me to be her maid of honor, which I excitedly accepted. However, when I received the invitation, problems arose. The wedding was to be in my country, and each guest was required to cover their own travel, lodging, and clothing expenses. John offered to work overtime so that Sam and I could go. And after months of extra work, I managed to buy a nice dress and book a simple hotel room. A month before the wedding, I called my sister to confirm— oh no— our attendance, and that's when she informed me that children were not allowed at the ceremony. I told her that wasn't specified on the invitation. It literally wasn't written anywhere on the invitation. Um, you don't have to necessarily specify child-free if you specify who is invited on the outside of the envelope. So if it only said like sister and husband, Mr. and Mrs., if they're still married, if it said that only on the invitation envelope, the outside of it, that would indicate that. However, if this is your nephew— if this is your nephew and that's your sister— you might owe them a phone call. This is one of the reasons why etiquette is extremely important when it comes to your overall invitations, so you don't end up accidentally uninviting or inviting someone who you don't want there. Okay, um, and she— so sorry, I told her that it wasn't specified in the invitation. It literally wasn't written anywhere on the invitation, and she said she hoped Oh, everyone would take that for granted. Like, take it like a kid night off, like a child-free evening. What? I explained that I didn't have anyone to leave Sam with and reminded her of our financial situation, and she suggested leaving him with John or hire a nanny. This is such like a normal you-don't-have-kids line of thinking of like, well, what, can't you just, can't you just leave him with someone or like hire somebody to do it? Or like, is his dad busy? Can, can his dad just do this? Like, I don't, I don't understand. John works long shifts and we don't have the budget for a nanny for so many days. Just for a wedding. She compared the situation to when I hired a nanny during my father's hospitalization, which seemed pretty stupid to me since it was a medical emergency and not a social event. After an argument, I told her I would have to decline my role as bridesmaid since I couldn't leave my son. I want to clarify that I never asked her to make an exception for Sam because I understand that weddings are not places for children. LOL, I'm not an idiot, just a person who doesn't take things for granted. I don't— what, what, what? I feel like we're using that phrase incorrectly. I just wanted her to understand my situation after I told her I couldn't go. She called me selfish and mentioned that she had already paid for my place in the wedding. I offered to reimburse her with the money for the dress, but she just hung up. Now there are 2 weeks left until the wedding, but I keep getting messages from her, calls to insult me, and emails arguing that since I live in the US, I should have enough money for a babysitter, which at least in my opinion, is totally ridiculous. Just because you live in the United States does not automatically make you wealthy. Don't get started in the comments, okay? I got the money back for the dress and the hotel, and I plan to give it back to John unless my sister claims it to cover wedding expenses. But if she doesn't, well, I don't know if I should offer it to her again. Okay, hi, if you're new here, my name is Jamie Wolfer. I'm your online wedding planner, but you're probably not new here. You've seen these videos, and we're back with another AITA baby. Also, if I keep showing up on your feed, you should probably just— you should just subscribe. Like, just jump on down there and subscribe, okay? Because we do videos like this every single week. Okay, with this particular situation, one, I just want to call to attention, like, I love children at weddings. I love them. I absolutely love them. I will die on this hill. One of my husband's biggest regrets is not having more children at our wedding. We love kids, which which is a good thing seeing as we just had our 5th child. So, so, uh, we don't mind being around them. We find them hysterical. We love spending time with them. We love watching them interact with people. We love kids. Also, having done this in a professional capacity for 10 years now— guys, guys, my very first clients posted something about their 10-year anniversary on Instagram and I was like, how? My first clients got married 10 years ago this month. That is crazy to me. So having been in this industry for a decade, I can tell you it's very infrequent that a child does anything to quote, ruin a wedding. I love children at weddings, but if that's not your cup of tea, we've talked about kid-free weddings here before. I totally get it. There is a way to communicate this to people, right? Typically, we covered one of them earlier. Typically there's a couple touchpoints for where you should be communicating this to people. One, on the envelope outside the invitation. Two, on the invitation itself. Some sort of cutesy little like, we love your kids but don't bring them vibe. Okay, you can Google it if you're looking for a different, um, phrasing to use that softens the terminology a little bit. And/or 3, you contact each parent individually if it's a small enough pool to say, hey, love you so much, we're not having kids at the event, so just wanted to give you a heads up so you're not surprised by this when the invitations come out or anything like that. And you can also make an exception for immediate family members, ring bearer, flower girl, anyone like nieces and nephews. No other kids are allowed to come except for a handful of family members specifically. Most couples will kind of pick an arbitrary age, like no one under the age of 16, no one under the age of 12, no one under the 18, 21, etc., to kind of demarcate, at least on their end— they may not be publicly saying this— who is and who is not invited. Um, and then there can also be exceptions to that rule. So across the board, I'm not villainizing kid-free weddings. I'm just helping you figure out what your parameters are and what your rules are going to be when it comes to having kid-free weddings. I've actually— I've done a whole video on it if you want to check it out right here. But this idea that this bride was like, well, I just hope people would be excited about having— or take for granted, uh, having a child-free evening— you need to communicate that it has to be a child-free evening. I think there was a lot of assumptions that happened on the bride's part here. That's why we make these videos, even though it's silly AITAs. It's so we can talk through etiquette and we can talk through wedding planning courtesies when greeted with awkward situations like this one. Okay, if you are a wedding couple, do not assume that everyone you know and love already knows that you don't want kids there. Okay, we cannot make that assumption, so you need to be very on the touch points that we talked about earlier. And also, in this particular situation, I think the bride's being a little bit of an a-hole when it comes to having her own nephew come. I understand that there are family feelings about it. Trust me, I understand this deeply. I think in a situation like this, if we're extending the olive branch, asking sister who we have not talked to— OP who has not been spoken to in a long time because of this pregnancy, because of this child— that if we're really trying to warm up this relationship again, that, that olive branch should also be extended to little Sam, and Sam should be allowed to come as as well. So that's my personal take on it. Maybe it's just because I'm emotionally attached to this kind of storyline, but to go as far to say like, well, you live in this fancy country now, you must have lots of money— logical fallacy. That's not, that's not accurate. That's not an accurate argument. She's in front of you saying, no, I don't have this money. I don't have this money. Well, why don't you just hire a nanny? I can't. I don't have the money. Well, you did it before. I don't have the money. Like, at what point do we accept someone's no as a no? I can't do it. I can't do it. I think OP had every right to say, you know what, I'm out, I'm out. And I think what's probably deeper here, a more underlying, more sad issue here for OP specifically, is she probably thought, you know what, this is it, this is it. I finally get to reconnect with my family. I get to bring Sam to see them. I haven't been home in years. Like, this is going to be so sweet, and I cannot wait to have this experience with them, and I can't wait to bring Sam with me. Like, probably amping him up to be able to go on this vacation with Mama and like enjoy going to her home country and experiencing the culture and meeting people. I mean, assuming that he hasn't been. So that's already soul-crushing in and of itself. Like, you're gonna go home, they're excited to reconnect with you, you're bringing your baby with you. Oh no, you can't bring your baby. Uh, oh no, you can't afford for anyone to watch your baby. Oh no, you're not reconnecting. Oh no, this was a superficial reach out, this wasn't a real olive branch. Oh no. Oh no, this hurts. Like, this is so much more than just like, well, you can't bring your kids, so I guess we'll see you at the next large family event. It's— I thought this was getting repaired and now it's not. And I don't have a box to put this in emotionally. And it really hurts. And I think why OP is talking about sending the money back is she's really hoping— and this again, this is just my interpretation of it— she is truly hoping that that money will still solidify that olive branch, that moment where the bride, her sister, kind of kept pulling things back and she goes, okay, if I pay you back, will you keep talking to me? If I— if I give you the money back, can we rekindle this relationship? Can we reconnect this? And I think at one point the bride wanted that, right? At one point the bride was like, hey, I think it'd be great to like reconnect. And maybe her selfishness popped up again and she was like, oh nope, I can't, I'm not capable of having a relationship with you, um, because— because I'm an idiot. I don't— I don't know, that's just my take on it. I think it's even more irksome that the bride keeps calling her sister just to continuously berate her. At that point I'd be like, hey, I've said my piece. If you really want me to be there, you're showing it in a very weird way. Way, um, in a way that doesn't make me feel validated, loved, seen, heard. I don't want to continue to communicate with you. I've stated my reasons, I've said my piece. Unfortunately, it sounds like it's just not going to work out. So unless you have something else to talk to me about, or you're going to start talking to me in a more respectful manner or a more understanding tone, I no longer want to be speaking with you for the foreseeable future because I can't control how much money I have, okay? So you calling to berate me about it is not helping any of us. Anyways, to the comment section. 518 comments, goodness gracious. It would have been perfectly fine for the sister to not want her very young nephew at the ceremony. However, she should have looked for a babysitter for the day and welcomed that nephew for the visit. OP couldn't do that from another country. Fair, that's a great point. Sister is not someone I would travel so far and spend so much money to support. OP, give the money back to your husband. Are there any household expenses coming up? The fridge working well? Roof's good? How's the car? Is there something you two want that's too much for regular bills? Do you want to save the money for an emergency? Start a college fund for your son? Much better than wasting the money to see someone who just wants to be mean. Mm. Yeah, I feel like— I feel like OP thought that this was an olive branch. I feel like OP thought that this was the big break in the family, that she was finally being welcomed back into the fold. This prodigal feeling, this prodigal child no longer, that she is now accepted. It's been enough years. It's been enough years. And she's not. And that hurts. Yes. My sister and brother-in-law didn't want very young children at the ceremony and hired some very competent sitters who were also at the kid-friendly reception. I was maid of honor with 3-month-old twins and appreciated not having to deal with any diapers for a few hours. This is such a great— like, if they wanted to, they would, which I know some people have like issues with that phrasing. But if her sister, if the bride really wanted OP there, she could have said, well, let's figure out a solution, let's figure something out, instead of like, well, why don't you just have more money? Well, why don't you figure out having more money? Well, can you get more money? Well, what about more money? Have you looked at more money as a solution? It just is like such a Bizarre. What is this? What is this? This— it's not projecting, it's not deflecting, it's the nitpicking nature of like, well, why can't you do better? Why can't you do better? Which I'm guessing is probably something OP has experienced a lot in the past. Uh-huh, uh-huh. And the shame of having a child out of wedlock, um, or getting pregnant out of wedlock probably didn't help. I was real confused by OP's comment about giving the money to the sister. Um, what? It was because her sister was ranting that she paid for her seat at the table, for catered food, etc. OP is a far better person than her sister. Sister entirely unreasonable. OP may have been able to recover the cost of her dress and the hotel, but you know she didn't recover the airplane tickets. Those are usually non-refundable, so she's out of the cost of 2 tickets. Her husband is out of the cost of time he could have spent with his family instead of working overtime to get the funds for the trip. Good man, but it's time the money gets spent on them or their savings. Even a good steak dinner and the rest in an emergency fund. Yikes. Not the a-hole. Spend that money to hire a sitter and have a night with your husband. Best idea here. I wish I could upvote you several times. People who wait until last minute to share important details or to change their mind when it affects other people as full-grown adults are called a-holes. She doesn't respect you or your time or your family, which is why she didn't care enough to tell you. Now, I— she's wrapped up in wedding planning details. You might be right, but this is the part where I'm like, Reddit, you got to chill, man. Go off. And no, I'm not letting some random person care for my child without getting to know them and having a trial period. I would not go to the wedding and not feel a single ounce of guilt for not going. What? Wait, hold on. Lots of negatives. I would not go to the wedding and not feel a single ounce of guilt for not going the moment someone shows such lack of respect for me and my child and my time. If someone could translate that in the comments, that'd be great. And also, um, people do leave their children with, um, somewhat strangers, that babysitters— like, there is— there's like babysitters will come in. It's not uncommon, especially if someone has come recommended from, um, like a family member or friend who has used this babysitter in the past. So I— it's it's not unheard of. We're not having an extended trial period necessarily, but also I have two 16-year-olds, and so like, I don't need babysitters. I have friends that are from other countries, and they often have family and friends asking them to send them money, but when they tell them they cannot afford it, they say, but you live in the US, so you have lots of money. I don't know why other countries think that we are all rich here, but we are most definitely not. Not the a-hole. Also, as a grandmother myself, I would think that OP's parents would be excited about her bringing her son so they could see their grandchild. This is the part that hurts. I would have been over the moon that he was coming and would have told my other daughter not to worry about it. I will handle a sitter for the wedding. Let her bring him. I want to see my grandchild. As a grandma myself, I thought that also. I don't think they see this half-American boy as family. That's sad. My granddaughter is half-American, half-Guatemalan, but she is all of my granddaughter. We are very proud of both of our nationalities. I'm going to be real. I don't think the wedding is actually childfree. I think based on the fact OP's family shut her out when she got pregnant and are just now opening lines of communication, that there's something going on. Like they're trying to trap OP in the home country away from her child and spouse. I don't know. What? What? What? What? Okay, okay. That's— where do you guys come up with this stuff? Okay, okay. I vaguely remember seeing a post way back about someone whose family tried— oh, that's okay. So you saw another post and you assumed that this, this, this is like This is like the baseline. Okay. Whose family tried to— tried luring them to the home country to force them to marry someone the family had picked. I'm not saying that's what is going on, but something is definitely off in my opinion. Definitely not the a-hole. Stay home. Or it just could be messy family relations doing the things that messy family relations do. They're probably not trying to kidnap her. Okay. You guys need to watch a little less Liam Neeson. Okay. And maybe also read a little less Reddit. "Not the a-hole. If it was supposed to be a childfree wedding, that should have been said on the invitation. She can't expect everyone to know it's childfree without informing her guests." Agree. "Not the a-hole. I don't know where you're from originally, but many immigrants talk about how their families in their home countries think that everyone in the US is super wealthy due to poor understanding of purchasing power parity." Say that 10 times fast. "You might have to explain that the cost of living here is very high and may even need to prove it. That's if you want to bother. She sounds pretty awful." Nope, you don't need to prove it. You don't need to prove it. You— your no is no. No is a full sentence, baby. Okay, seems like we're really hyper-fixating on the US finances side of this, and I wanted to get a little bit more into the etiquette of things, so let's find some different comments. Okay, okay. Um, how did your sister expect you to just know children weren't welcome at the wedding if it wasn't on the invitation and she didn't use her big girl words and say so while you were making plans? You're not a mind reader, I presume, and if you were going back to your home country, you likely assumed your son was not only welcome but as a part of the family would be someone your family wanted there. It sounds like your sister is a little jealous that you live in the US. If she only knew the realities, she might feel differently. But at any rate, you tried your best. Her poor communication skills left you with no choice but to step away. But— and she has no one to blame but herself, not the a-hole. Info: if you bought your own dress, why would you offer to reimburse her for a dress you bought? I'm assuming this is in Mexico because you said you didn't need to fly internationally. This sounds so fake. Okay. Do I? Okay. My English is not perfect. Sorry. What I meant is I bought a dress, I returned the dress, and I got the money back. Okay. No, you explained that perfectly, OP. You're totally fine. Don't let them get to you. My sister spent money on food and seating for me at her wedding, so I was thinking, or I think of giving her the money I got back for the dress I bought. Hope this helps. No, you don't need to do that. You are so sweet. You are so sweet. I know you're trying to really make sure this olive branch stays extended, but you can't be the only person moving this relationship forward. That was not an olive branch. That was a Band-Aid over a very deep cut. That, and it's not resolution. Not the a-hole. She should have told you the second you agreed to the bridal party. Her decision to have a child-free wedding also means people with children are allowed to say no. Child-free needs to be specified on invitations. I do have a question. Has she ever met your nephew? Oh, I'm wanting to know this too. Has she ever put an effort in to know him? I am wondering if she is worried about him stealing the limelight. Oh, because he's new. Got it, got it, got it. Not new, but like people haven't seen— okay, whatever. She has met him, yes, but I wouldn't say she made the effort to meet him herself. The last 3 years we have visited my family for Christmas and my father's birthday, but so far there have been no visits from my family to me. This is— this one's hard because like just because one family is making the effort doesn't necessarily mean the other family is not. Although given all of the facts of the situation that we understand it, it doesn't— it's not appearing that the family that's out of country is interested in coming back to say hi. They're really not pursuing a relationship with OP or her child. That's not really happening, um, but they've met him, so that just makes the situation a whole lot more— it's just weird. It's weird. I wonder if the bride in the situation asked her sister to stand with her in the wedding party for optics, because maybe other people in the family are like, so are you guys like talking with her again? Have you rekindled things? What's going on? Is your sister gonna be there? We're so excited, you know. I don't think the child would steal the limelight, especially if he's been back to the home country, OP's home country, multiple times. Um, so I don't think that's it. I think it's just a matter of optics, really. I think, I think that that would be a really strong factor here. Anyways, anyways, let me know your thoughts in the comments down below. Is OP in the right? I absolutely will die on this hill. OP is not the a-hole in this situation. I think it's already really messy, and I already made my thoughts about it. Okay, on to the next one because we've got two today, baby cakes. Am I the a-hole for refusing to go to my sister's wedding knowing that it means most of our family won't attend? What? What? What? A-hole poo mode. Reddit is such a cesspool and I love it. Throwaway account. Okay, good, because we were gonna find you. We were gonna find you. No, there she's— okay, never mind. I, 40-year-old female, am significantly older than my sister, 25-year-old female. As such, after she was born, I was repeatedly looked over and parentified by my parents in favor of her. Examples of this include giving my old clothes and toys to her without my permission, Those are called hand-me-downs, babes. Rather than preserving them as a keepsake of my childhood. What? In short, my inner child has had to do a lot of healing over the years. I'm low contact with my parents and sister, but apparently she's engaged and wants me to be a part of the wedding party. What? What? What? What? You remember when I said I had 5 children? No ma'am, no ma'am, we are reusing those clothes, babe. We are reusing those clothes, baby. What? That's— but the fact that— that— I'm sure there's other traumas, I'm sure there are. Also, the age gap between my oldest, my youngest is 16 years, all right? 16 years. I'd say that age gap is working out just fine for us. Okay, okay, giving my old clothes to Toys R Us without my permission. Hey, now, I am not comfortable around children of any age. It is part of my trauma. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that your trauma is not simply because your parents had a second child 15 years later. I'm going to give you that. That wasn't the trauma that we're referring to. The clothes and the toys. Maybe there's something else. The way you've written it, though, makes it sound like it's the toys and the clothes issue that they didn't preserve it for you, which is super weird because you know how much stuff children have. Do you know how much crap children have? I will never forget going to pick up my twins when they were toddlers from daycare because I was working full-time out of the house at the time. And the teacher would give us just reams of paper that was their artwork for that day alone. And I'm not kidding. It would be like a piece of a singular piece of paper with one line of crayon on it. Just one. Just one. They're like, here's Isabella's artwork for today. And I'm like, wow. And I would turn around, throw it in the trash behind me. And one of the teachers was like, what? And I was like, do you expect me to keep every single piece of artwork that they have done through the entire school year? I can't. I can't. I can't do— I will not be doing that. Like, that's so sweet, but you are sending home 7 pieces of paper with each child, twins, every single day. I'm not doing the math. That's an obscene amount of artwork that you want me to save. I don't have capacity for that. I also don't have room in my home for that. Thank you so much. You can edit what you give to me, by the way. In fact, my husband used to tell the girls, he'd be like, okay, let's race to the car. Ready, set, go. And they'd run and he'd just like dump their stuff. We saved important things, okay? But we get to establish what's important. I might now, now looking at this, I might need to put another quarter in the therapy bank for them because I gave them trauma because I didn't save the artwork. Goodness, I'm so sorry. But also not being comfortable around children of any age. Do you leave your house? What does not comfortable mean anyways? Already, we already know OP is considered the a-hole here in this situation. Okay, okay. Being around them for me comes with a sense of responsibility that reminds me of the neglect I suffered at the hands of my family. Oh, it is all that same thing. Okay, okay. So again, I'm just gonna assume that, that, okay, that there's more that you— then you're not sharing. Okay. My sister knows this, so I assumed with her asking me to be in the wedding that the wedding would be childfree. Well, you know what happens when you assume. During a discussion, she mentioned her fiancé's best friend's daughter would be serving as a flower girl and her cousin's son would be ring bearer. I reminded her that I would not be comfortable around children and expressed my disappointment that she would invite me to be in a wedding that is not childfree. What? She looked sad for a second and told me that there were many young children and families that are close to her and her fiancé and the day would feel incomplete without them. And if I really wasn't comfortable around children to that extent, she would understand if I'm unable to attend. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Okay. I was shocked that she would uninvite me in favor of random kids. She just— she just said she's close to them. They're not— she didn't pick them up on the side of the road. She knows them. All these random children. I'm so sorry. Oh, I don't— I'm not on your side so far. I'm trying. K, and it reminded me of being thrown aside in favor of her when we were young. So I left to collect myself. You were— sorry, you were 15. I know that 15, when you're 15, feels very big. And 15, as a parent looking at 16-year-olds, they're definitely like— they're teenagers. They're not young, but they're not little. Oh, okay. I attempted to ask my parents to talk some sense into her, but surprise, surprise, they took her side. Oh, I have a feeling the comments are going to as well. At this point, I was deeply hurt and needed an outlet, so I did something that might make me the a-hole. I am friends with some other family members on Facebook, and I made a post about how my sister was kicking me out of the wedding and that my parents were taking her side, all because of the trauma they contributed to themselves. Oh, I'm sorry, but you— so sorry, I'm so sorry. People who use Facebook as their personal journal to list their grievances and emotional issues with their families, puh. I can't, I can't, I can't. And I don't think that that was the moment that put this over the edge, okay? I think we were— we already passed that line a while ago. A while— yep, okay. Okay, I didn't go into detail because I didn't think it was anyone else's business. I just wanted to vent. Don't post it. You vent to someone on the phone. You don't vent to all of your followers on Facebook and then tell them that it's not their business. You made it their business. You were like, hey, I have business, I'm posting it, don't ask questions, okay? I'm just venting into the ether. Okay. Oh my gosh. Now people are apparently refusing to go to my sister's wedding unless I am reinstated as a part of the wedding. She and my parents are begging me to come but still refusing to budge on children being there, so it doesn't make much of a difference to me. I do feel bad because I didn't know that our family would refuse to come, but I cannot go to an event that has that many children running around or retract my statement because I don't want the family to think I lied. Am I the a-hole for refusing to go? Edit: Okay, I can't, I can't skip this. It's really tiny. Edit: For those of you suggesting therapy, I am in therapy. My therapist is incredible and helped me realize how heavy my past has affected me. I have yet to discuss the Facebook post with her, but we'll see what she has to say. Who do you go in public? Do you go to the grocery store? Do you leave an aisle when there's a child there? Like, this is not reasonable. This is not a reasonable expectation. This is not a reasonable request. I am not invalidating your trauma. I can't— I can't understand it. I'm not intent— I'm not attempting to validate it. I, I don't understand it based on the writing that you have shared with us here on this post. There might be more, um, and you're probably posting this here at event, and anything beyond that is none of our business. Probably, uh, you made it our business, but anything beyond what you've posted is none of our business. So I don't— I try to understand where people are coming from. That is one thing that I, I definitely try to— I hope comes across when I make these videos. I do want to see where you're coming from. This doesn't make any sense. This is not a logical request. It's especially given the little, the little baseline that we have. Because my parents had another kid 16 years later, gave her my hand-me-downs, um, and my toys and didn't preserve them for me. Um, I'm mad. I'm mad. And I have been low contact with them for a long time because of how they treated me as a child, because a new baby popped up. Let me tell you, when a new baby comes into the picture, everyone gets really excited about the baby. My teenagers are very excited about the baby. In fact, they fight me for her. They want to hold her. They want to be with her all the time because she's precious. She's delicious. Okay, I don't blame them. But that also took a lot of work my part as a parent to make sure that they still felt seen and heard, um, and they weren't being replaced by the baby, but that a baby inherently brings a whole new dynamic to a family. So it makes me wonder how much work the parents didn't do with the teenager when baby came around, right? Like, you're still loved, we adore you, we want you to be a part of this baby's life, etc., etc. You know, like invite the teenager into the fold, or was the teenager just like, you— I mean, you got pregnant, so clearly like you just don't even care about— the angst might have already been there, I don't know, I don't know. But for that to be the trauma that you are citing, and that's the only details that you are giving us for the scenario, this is not okay. This is not an okay request to place before your sister, especially when it sounds to me like this is an olive branch scenario where she's like, hey, come back in, we want you to be a part of this, I want you to be a part of my wedding, I love you, please come be here. Again, I might be, um, you know, overglamorizing the bride in this scenario. She might not have been that kind or that generous about it, but even the way OP is describing how she responded sounded kind. Sounded fine. I guess, I guess what I'm saying is if you want to be considered not the a-hole, um, you've not given us enough information to pull that off, okay? To reasonably give that response because it's, it's not looking good, friend. It's not. How do you exist in society if you cannot be around any children? And also, how do you work on letting this go? Because simply because children are there doesn't mean that you're expected to watch the children. Their parents are there. Like, what? You are taking a lot of ownership for something that you do not need to take ownership of. So Okay, okay, currently you're giving YTA vibes, okay? To the comment section! Okay, okay, okay. You're the a-hole. Your parents giving your hand-me-downs to your sister is not parentification, it's economics. You didn't lose your childhood because your sister wore your old sweatshirt or played in your old playpen. One could easily turn things around and your sister could complain that she was treated worse because while her older sister got all new things, she had to make do with 15-year-old leftovers. Mm. Just because your sister has asked you to be at her side on one of the most important days of her life does not mean that she and her partner need to cater the entire event to your preferences, especially when they're kind of weird. Their wedding's about them and what they want. Your sister didn't uninvite you. She accepted that you declined the invitation because apparently being within 100 feet of anyone under the age of 18 gives you hives. Blasting her all over social media, deliberately omitting details so that she would look like the villain, is the true cherry on the cake. That's it, that's it. My sister wanted children as a flower girl and ring bearer for her wedding, as is customary for almost every Western-style wedding. I'm gutted that she would dare to do this because I once babysat her as a teenager. Also pretty standard. Okay, listen, I understand that this is like again where Reddit like commenter escalates things, but the I do like this take. Okay, okay. Look, maybe there are details that you omitted where you were actually neglected and abused by your family in favor of your younger sister. Yes, is what we were saying earlier. But the fact that you would choose to omit them rather than include them to support your point of view suggests to me that you know that you were not nearly as hard done by as you want people to believe. You're just selfish. Okay, absolutely. This OP reeks of manipulation and entitlement. Clearly didn't cope well with not being an only child anymore. I'd love some examples of the parentification too. At this rate, she was probably paid to babysit. Okay, I also pay my children to help with babysitting. They get paid for animal chores because we have a little homestead. We have milk animals, we have chickens, we got the whole kit and caboodle. We practice rotational grazing, so we have to move the pastures around every once in a while. They get— there's a lot happening here, and they get paid for those things. Okay, but also, she probably got paid for babysitting. Uh, OP did reply down in the comments, and it seems like once asked to watch her then 9-year-old sister overnight during a family emergency, and she as a teenager and adult was expected to do more chores than her sister— a child! Wait, wait, wait, wait, I'm reading that again. You're coming with me. OP did reply down in the comments, and it seems like once was asked to watch her then 9-year-old sister, so she's 15 years older. Do the math with me folks, that's 20— she's 24. Overnight during a family emergency? And she— As a teenager—an adult was expected to do more chores than her sister—a child! I would love to find this reasoning somewhere... Mmm... It's childhood straight out of Dickens. Wait wait wait wait wait wait so 24-year-old woman who lived at home was asked watch her 9-year-old sister overnight—and Sister was probably sleeping all night?! They are very bad parents. Poor 24-year-old kid had to help on an emergency and to have more chores. The atrocity. The 9-year-old should have done everything. Sarcastic, of course. Listen, we've actually had to work this through with my teenagers. We have pretty relatively large age gaps, um, secondary infertility, lots of stuff happening. So, um, they would get frustrated that their brother, who is— what, how many years younger? 7 years younger than them— doesn't have the same level of chores. And I'm like, we don't have the same expectations of like a 23-year-old. On you, right? We have expectations of a 16-year-old, so we're not gonna place higher expectations, higher age range expectations on you for where you're at right now. It's the lack of logic in all of this is astounding. Like, I understand at 16 or 15 or 12 how that needs to be explained, like, hey, your brother is too young, he's 5, he can't do these things. I get that. Uh, but when you're a whole adult— well, I mean, part of the brain still isn't developed, but legally an adult, um, and this needs to be explained to you, then I would, I would, um, suggest that you've got a little bit more to work on. Okay, maybe bring that up therapy. Opie said this in another comment, several that I was not able to share due to word count. I attended a community college and lived at my parents' house during that time. There were repeated instances of my having to pick up my sister from school or activities on my way back with no regard to the fact that I may have work to do at home or want to relax. I was once left alone with my sister for 2 days and 1 night after my grandfather died. And my parents had to leave the state. I wanted to be with my grandmother and family too, but my sister, who was 9 at the time and easily could have stayed with a friend or something, obviously just had to come first. I moved out of my parents' home at 26, and for the whole 11 years I lived with her, I was expected to help around the house with common tasks like dishes or vacuuming, where she was only responsible for her room and cleaning up after herself. I could go on. This is not real. You lived with your parents until you're 26, okay? And you had chores to do, and you were— okay, okay, we're gonna give you the benefit of the doubt in this scenario. I understand that you wanted to be with your grandmother, okay, after your grandfather had passed. I don't— I don't know why everybody didn't go. I— but I get where you're coming from. That's sad. Sad. Sit in that sadness. Let, let that feeling happen, okay? But everything else we're serving here is bizarre. It's all— this is all very logical. Like, you're living at their house, I'm gonna presume rent-free, because you didn't bring up the fact that you paid rent, um, which would make for an excellent point to bring to this relatively bizarre argument. Hey, I pay rent. Like, I, I, I am contributing financially, so I don't understand why I'm being treated like like, um, I'm not a tenant. Why, like, other expectations are being put on me when I'm already, like, I'm already paying them and having to do the stuff on top of it? Which in my opinion is just family. This is just what family does. Of course, in a scenario like this, we're giving grace and we're giving room, um, but no, family, family helps. Family helps, at least when their boundaries are being respected and their thoughts and feelings are being taken into account. How many times during this do you say, hey, I just, I just can't pick her up? Okay. 'Um, I just need time to myself.' How much of this was communicated during this time, and did they continuously ignore you? Also, this is not parentification when you're in your 20s. I could be wrong, correct me in the comments if I am. Oh my gosh. And she lived there for free. What? I mean, what the heck? OP is truly one of the biggest 'you're the a-holes' we've had. This is what really bothers me. OP was a whole adult for 8 of the 11 years she lived with her sister. If it was really that traumatic Wouldn't you effing move out? This has to be rage bait. There's parentification and then there's just being an older sibling and a part of a family unit. I had a brother 2 years younger and when I was able to drive, you bet my parents asked me to bring my brother home since we went to the same school. They gave me the car and it's literally the least that I could do. The best part is she wasn't uninvited. She was simply told that there would be kids attending, that they would understand if she felt she couldn't attend, but that they would not uninvite people that they care about just for her comfort. Effort. She was always welcome to come. And then she went and told everyone about her meanie little sister and parents. And since it wasn't relevant, I'm guessing the family didn't get any of the details we got. And now the sister whose only crime was to— checks notes— have children at her wedding, who wasn't even the one to parentify her sister, is missing out. But of course she deserves it for daring to have small humans in the presence of her sister. It's giving, it's giving like, what's the lady's name? The bad lady? Jamie on Snow White. It's giving that vibe. She's giving that. What is her name? Info: What other examples do you have of being parentified? Okay, and this is where we see OP saying several that I was unable to share due to word count. Repeated instances of having to pick up my sister from school or activities on my way back with no regard to the fact that I may have work to do at home or want to relax. Okay, blah blah blah blah blah. Uh, someone replies, that's not being parentified, that's being 15 years older than your sister and helping your parents out on occasion. You clearly need a new therapist as she she is feeding into your delusion. Listen, listen, I don't disagree. I don't disagree. Okay, edit. Okay, OP, regardless of your childhood trauma, the fact that you assumed that your sister you are low contact with, uh, would base her entire wedding around your aversion to children and then was angry that she chose some random children over you despite the fact that if they are in her wedding, they are not in fact random children to her— she didn't kick you out, she just didn't do what you wanted, so you chose to leave the wedding party. And you, a 40-year-old adult, chose to be petty and lie on social media because your sister's wedding isn't revolving around you, you're the a-hole. All right, last comment. I have a hard time believing this is real because your stance is so unreasonable and narcissistic that it sounds like rage bait, but in the event that this is genuine and you still don't know, then yes, you're the a-hole. Your sister doesn't want a child-free wedding and it's her wedding and her choice. You don't like it, you don't have to go. You are free to make that decision. You don't get to dictate the invite list of someone else's wedding and then try and sabotage it out of spite. You can't be that dense that you were on here trying to justify your behavior and ask with sincerity if you're an a-hole or not. If your childhood trauma is so bad that even being in the same vicinity of a child triggers you like this, then that is unfortunate, but that is your issue to deal with and yours alone. The world isn't going to bend to you like this. What do you do when you go to a supermarket or a restaurant or anywhere where a child may be present? How do you live like this? This is exactly what I was talking about. Also, it's very common for younger siblings to inherit hand-me-down clothes and toys from older siblings who no longer need or use them. I certainly they did. Are your parents supposed to keep them in a shrine in memorandum to your eternal brilliance? Get over yourself. Yep. Okay, okay, fine. One more, one more. You're the a-hole. You are 40 years old. You need a better therapist because it appears yours has not helped you at all. You have had decades to come to terms with your childhood. Also, you're traumatized by hand-me-downs? Really? The entitlement you're displaying by being upset that your sister invited you to her wedding that wasn't childfree is absolutely astounding. I don't know how you get through the day. Okay, listen, listen, listen, people be peopling, okay? And this is why I did a video called The Dark Side of Wedding Planning. It's a couple years ago, I'll going to link it up here because there— this— the crazy comes out. Now the family might have already seen the crazy in this one, okay? This might have already been pretty, pretty, um, pretty well known before this instance. And maybe this was like, well, it's a wedding, it's a really big deal, we're going to invite her anyways, we're going to hope that she enjoys her time with us, and like, we don't want her to miss out on my wedding, so we're just going to do it even though she's already low contact. We're just hoping things are going to be okay. Okay, Great. So they might have already known things are weird, but there is specifically something about wedding planning that brings out the crazy in your parents, in your future in-laws, in your friends. The people who you thought would show up for you aren't showing up for you. Or, uh, now notice I'm saying this for the bride in the scenario, not OP in this scenario, because OP is abs— OP's the a-hole in this. If you could help me see, uh, her side feel free to let me know in the comments. All right, I would love to give a little bit more perspective to this, but this— I'm— I can only work with what I got, okay? And it's not great. This is definitely an a-hole mode, okay? But if you find yourself in the bride's position in this story and you find that people are reacting to how your wedding planning is going or what you're spending money on, unfortunately this is common. It's quite common. I wouldn't say it's normal, and I'm definitely not saying you have to deal with it and/or put up with it. But if you find yourself in situations where you're like, wow, my mom's really heated about how many hors d'oeuvres we're serving, or wow, Grandma has a strong opinion in on the start time of my event, or, um, I thought my friends would be a little bit more excited for all these bachelorette activities and they are kind of crickets in the group chat. A lot of this stuff does happen, and so I just want you to know that you are not alone in this. And this is an excellent opportunity to lean on your fiancé, have really great conversations with them, and practice clear communication, uh, being honest but kind, and then also placing boundaries when people are repeatedly crossing into territory that they are not invited into, whether it's their opinions or their strong emotions that you do not want to receive, you can communicate that. Wedding planning, in my opinion, planning an actual wedding is not hard. Like, you find a place, you get some food, you walk down the aisle, flowers, like DJ. There's the, the mechanics of an event are not hard. And in fact, if you want to learn how to plan your wedding in the cheapest way possible with a professional planner— me— come join me in the Master Plan. I walk you through everything that you need to know, point A to wedding day, as stress-free as possible. Okay, literally so cheap. It's the cheapest professional wedding planning service you will anywhere. But the act of putting together the event, not hard, not hard at all. It's the emotions, the finances, and the expectations that get in the way, because people have a lot of those. People have a lot of those. Anyways, what a nice long juicy AITA after what, we haven't had one in like 2 months, something like that. I don't know. Anyways, it's good to be back with one of these because these always spice up the content a little bit. So that's what we have for today's video, guys. Thank you so much for watching. If you like AITAs, jump on down there, hit the like button, okay? Like really Just like, let me know, because we do about one a month of these and they are absolutely thrilling every single time. Okay, um, and subscribe to this channel for more tips and tricks for the modern-day bride. And until next week, bye guys!