AITA for this WEIRD Dress Code? 🧙‍♀️ | Reddit REACTION

Am I the a-hole for giving my wedding guests a dress code? Reddit says no, you're not the a-hole, but you don't get to like 4,000 upvotes and 3,500 comments from having something that's, you know, not slightly controversial. Hi, if you're new here, my name is Jamie Wolfer, and every once in a while we dissect an AITA from the interwebs, which stands for Am I the A-hole, um, wedding edition. And this one obviously has to do with wedding dress code. So let's see if we agree with Reddit or not, because oftentimes I don't. Oftentimes I don't. So without further ado, let's just jump right on into it. I am getting married to my partner and we have planned a fantasy/renaissance-themed wedding. Okay. Um, by the way, I love ren fairs. That's not what that okay was. It just was like, oh, I see the direction this is going. We are massive fandom nerds—books, video games, movies, comics, etc.—and actually met at a ren fair and wanted that to be part of our wedding. No joke, I literally, we went to Ren Faire, what, 2 years ago, I think, like a year and a half ago, and I met a fan at this Ren Faire in Central Texas, just randomly out of nowhere. This sweet gal was like, Jamie Wolfer! I think Ren Faires are awesome. I loved it. It was a great experience. It was a little far away from home and having a toddler who still naps, who had to skip her nap in the middle of the day, probably won't do it again for a while, especially because as you're watching this, I'm on maternity leave with yet another child. So I do love them. I think they're great. I think they're quirky. I think it allows people to express themselves. I think one of my favorite parts was watching my teenage daughters really like get into it and plan out their costumes. There's so much that I loved about it. So that's where I'm at as a baseline. A lot of people would not also agree with that. A lot of people judge Ren Faire people. Okay? Okay. We discussed it with our close friends and everyone thought it was a great idea. Are they also Ren Faire people? Because usually they travel in packs. So we sent out the invitations plus an attached letter that explained why we wanted to have a themed wedding and examples of the type of things we wanted people to wear. Just Google "Ren Faire" if you want to see. Mmm, how did you write it though? Was it in paragraph form or bullets or was there a Pinterest board attached with ideas? We included photos! Descriptions, budget categories that went from how to DIY a costume using old/thrifted clothes to just straight out buying something online. We also asked people to reach out if they had any worries we could work something out. We have received a few messages from my closer friends saying they've heard other people, including some me and my partner's family members, calling me a bridezilla. Oh, saying we are being unreasonable, that this is ridiculous, that they don't want to go if I'm going to get all up in arms over clothing. We need to see this letter if we can determine if you're being all up in arms or not. My soon-to-be mother-in-law and sister-in-law are especially pissed. I reached out to them after their names were mentioned and they said I am ruining what is supposed to be happy day by demanding people dress up like idiots. I was wondering if that's where this would go. They said everyone should be allowed to dress in what makes them feel comfortable and I'm being very controlling. My partner says not to listen to them, but there are so many people saying it. I'm feeling pretty hurt by all this. I assume people would react like this if I said everyone needed to go out and spend hundreds on costumes, but we went out of our way to include pictures and suggest as many very low-budget options as possible. I honestly didn't think it was a big deal, but now I'm having second thoughts about this whole themed wedding idea. Am I the a-hole? Okay, we got a couple edits, but before we get into those, I'm just going to kind of give like my off-the-cuff knee-jerk reaction to this. One, sweet angel baby nugget, I don't think you were trying to be an a-hole, and I don't think by having a ren faire themed wedding you are being an a-hole. Okay, those, those two, those two are not not making you rude, not making you controlling, and absolutely not making you a bridezilla because you want to have a themed wedding. Anytime we step outside of allowing people to dress how they want to dress within like a certain category, a certain socially normally accepted category— and yes, I, I am using that terminology intentionally because not everyone feels that way about ren fairs— if they're in that category and they can dress however they want within that, okay, listen, you'd probably get complaints from people, maybe even from your future in-laws, about a black tie event or black tie optional if it's too fancy, they might have opinions on it. We also don't know how opinionated these family members are in general, like, period, point blank. We just don't know. So take everything with a grain of salt when it comes to their feedback specifically. But when we're talking about ren fairs, there is an automatic association of it being uncool or nerdy. And I'm a proud nerd, and I raise nerds, and my husband's a nerd. His favorite— he loves RuneScape, he loves World of Warcraft, he loves League of Legends. He loves those old school computer games. They're just like, it's his favorite. And he gets really into Star Wars lore. And if you've been around long enough, you know I'm a huge Harry Potter fan. Okay. And I also just finished rereading The Hunger Games series. And I will occasionally admit my love of Twilight, even the blue tinted film. Okay. Is it horrible? Yes. Do I watch it every year? Also yes. So we have different brands of nerd, but we love it. We also are the type that would take our children to a ren faire, you know? We are the type that would enjoy something like that. There is also automatically an association that we're fully aware of that that's what nerds do. And while we think that's cool and we celebrate that, in fact, my daughters are trying to plan their very first D&D get-together and I'm like, this is the best. I never played it, but I love that they feel the freedom to play that. And I love that they just don't care. Bless them. They're so cute. That's not going to be a common association for a lot of people. So you are not an a-hole by having this request. The feedback that you might potentially be getting that's being masked, the original intent of these feelings that these people are sharing could be something along the lines of, I'm not wearing those nerd clothes. I'm not doing that. It's not the vibe. This is not what I want to do. So it doesn't matter how intent you were on providing options, low cost versus high cost. If people automatically assume that it's kind of dorky, that they don't really want to do it, that it's kind of lame, that there's this association of like, oh, oh, you're not going to catch me dead in a peasant top, which honestly I find quite flattering on most figures, to be fair. Did I look up and spend an obscene amount of time trying to put together my outfit and then waited too long to get anything shipped to me and had to do something thrifted anyways? Sure did. Sure did. Okay, I get it. I think that it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea. I think because there is this association with that style of wedding, it has to be the right vibe of people. So if you're going to your close friends who are also the people that would join you at a D&D party or go to a ren faire with you, or they already have their ren faire costume picked out for this next trip that you guys are all taking together, like, that's going to be a different pool of feedback that you're getting. If I got invited to an event like this, I'd be like, yeah, I'm going, heck yes, I'm going all out with my outfit. Even if I was working this event, I would dress up ren faire adjacent because I would be like, oh my gosh, this is so much fun, but I would still try to like look like I'm a professional, but like blending in a little bit, you know? I'm thinking like a, a black peasant skirt moment. So I'm still in my like all black, and maybe it could give like slightly pirate vibes, you know, just a little bit. See, like I could figure it out, and I would totally figure it out, and I would have fun with this. There are people who will not. So I don't think that you're an a-hole for suggesting this or for wanting this. I think it takes the right type, the right group of people to come together to do something like this. I think that you probably spent a lot of times putting something together because you wanted to make it easier on people, but I think it might have backfired on you a little bit because it looked like you were trying to control the situation. Which, to be fair, I do think that your mother and sister-in-law should know you well enough to know that that was not your intent and that's not what you were trying to do. I think they should know that well enough about you and your fiancé at this point. I think people probably are just worried that they're gonna look like nerds. I'm not. I think it's great. I married a nerd, we raised some nerds, I am a nerd. I think it's great. I love it. I love so many things about it. There are people who clearly don't. And I think you very intentionally, very kindly went out of your way to give a bunch of outfit ideas and it backfired. I think like maybe even like a Star Wars wedding where maybe it's a little bit more mainstream, right? There will be people who do not wanna show up wearing Star Wars themed attire. They just don't want to. We got married on Halloween and I had people say, "Is it a costume wedding?" And I was like, "No, it's not. You can show up as a wedding guest." And they're like, "Okay, good." That was not the vibe that we had on our actual event. But I do love dressing up and I do love costumes. So I think it's more the type of theme people are taking issue with than the fact that it's themed in general. And the fact that you went as far as to share outfit ideas with them where you thought you were being generous, it possibly came across to some people as these are the options you can select from, not please wear whatever you're comfortable with, here's a link if you choose to go look on your own to be inspired by some ideas that we've put together. Uh, we highly encourage Ren Faire attire, but please wear whatever you're comfortable with. That's different. So I think when we kind of end up overexplaining things, which there was another AITA that was released recently where it was like, was I— am I the a-hole for my wedding rules? Where the couple was like, don't wear white, don't propose, no pregnancy announcements, if your kids are loud they go out, if you show up wearing white and refuse to change you go out. You know, it was just very much like we are trying too hard to communicate information right now, so much so that it comes across as controlling or patronizing. I think this is definitely a step down from that. I don't think it's the same level of intensity as that other AITA that we saw, but I think that it carries the same note. The same tone, the same pigment, if you will, where if we try to overexplain or over-manipulate guests' behavior, there will be some pushback. And I do think that we see an extra layer in this case specifically because we have an uncool association. And yes, I am using air quotes liberally on this, okay? Because I think they're cool. Other people won't. So anytime you get hyper-specific in any direction on your event, especially in a direction that some people might perceive as like not cool or not their vibe or not their style, you could run into a situation like this, right? Anyways, let's go ahead and read the edits. Edit: One of the low budget option was things like a normal floral spring/summer dress many people would already own with the addition of like a flower crown or belt or something. It went up from there. For more masculine stuff, it was like a linen shirt with a piece of fabric tied around your waist or a belt. It was quite low key and I'm not super strict about it. Just not things like a cocktail dress or a bodycon dress or formal suit and tie. Also just gonna add, excluding sister-in-law and mother-in-law, our closest family and friends haven't complained and several people said they're looking forward to it. My people. Those are my people. I love them. It is more so cousins, aunts, uncles, or those sort of level friends. They have also not directly contacted us with their concerns, and we are hearing it through the grapevine. Mm. How much of the— okay, okay. So the fact that you got some people that are excited about it and other people that are not, like, that's just— it's just— it can't— it's polarizing. It's polarizing. And that's the response that the OP is seeing in the situation, is this couple is just like, yeah, we're excited, we want to invite you into this experience, we think it's really fun. We give you a ton of different options to work with. Yeah, I do hear you. I do hear that you're trying to make things affordable. I just think that some people are not going to want to do this. They're simply not going to ever be the type that want to go to a ren faire. They're simply not going to be type that ever want to wear a peasant top or skirt or own a linen shirt that you can lace up, you know, like they just don't have it and they don't want it. And so we always see a little bit of flak, a little bit of pushback when people are required to purchase something attire-wise for a wedding. When it's a requirement, not a suggestion, a requirement. Please wear this color. Please wear one of these three colors. Please wear black tie, which I do think that that one's a little bit more acceptable simply because people kind of get excited about the opportunity to dress up. But there's also a fancier, cooler connotation with it as well. So when we have specificity, when we require guests to wear something, it's going to automatically ruffle some feathers. If we're requiring guests to wear something that would not get an automatic cool button hit from the Dude Perfect gang, Which I feel like, to be fair, I feel like they would totally dress up in ren faire attire if someone had a wedding like that. Right? Can you just see Ty just like showing up full ren faire? Done. Absolutely. You know, if there's a couple of people that are going to hit the not cool. I hope you understood that reference and I'm not just totally like— my kids really like Dude Perfect. Edit 2: We put in the invitation we don't expect or want people to buy us wedding gifts and would rather they keep their money for themselves or use it for their outfit. Again, great, great, better, better, moving in a better direction. If they don't think it's cool, they don't want to do it. Anyways, let's head to the comments because obviously people are voting that OP is not the a-hole, and I, again, I don't think OP is. I just understand where everyone else is coming from. There has to be like a little bit of acknowledging that it's not, it's not everyone's cup of tea. It should be because it's awesome. It's still not everybody's cup of tea. Okay. Not the a-hole. People give dress codes for weddings all the time. Yeah. Also something they could rewear or something they feel good in. 2. Yes, it's strange for people not of the community. I am not into dressing up or nerd interests, but if someone I cared about wanted wedding photos to fit a theme, dang it, I'm matching the theme. I know someone who had a Halloween wedding. Did I want to wear a costume to a wedding? No. Did I? Yes. Which is— we just don't. Unless someone expects me to drop hundreds of dollars for a one-time outfit, I'm doing my best to support their dream day. I think all weddings can be a stupid waste of money, so I say make it what you want. It sounds fun. Unless someone expects me to drop hundreds of dollars for a one-time outfit, I'm doing my best to support their dream day. I think this right here is the line to where dress codes become a-hole behavior. I've been invited to holiday parties with color-themed cocktail attire dress codes which I thought was completely entitled of the host. This is different. They included budget-friendly options. That's also— see, but I would also love to go to a cocktail party with like a festive theme. And I think with the right group, it's fun and it's encouraging. And by right group, I mean, you know, people who can afford the outfits. I'm a big thrifter. This is thrifted. My pants are thrifted. Like, I do. I do love thrifting and I love a good challenge. And so that would be my goal, would be to find an outfit like this. Like a local thrift store. That's not everyone's vibe though, clearly. I don't think that this is coming from a place of entitlement. However, I do think that I might be different in this capacity or in this category, and I think that people might be thinking that OP is asking too much. Again, this does not make her a bridezilla, not even close, but this is pretty specific, and I think having some backlash or some like pushback a little bit is— I don't want to say understandable, but it's not surprising. However, as like also an additional quick aside, if this is coming through the grapevine, you have a couple of choices here. If people are not coming to you directly with this, you could do exactly what OP did and go straight to the in-laws and go, hey, I heard you're frustrated with this. Like, I'm bummed you didn't come to me first. That's— that sucks. Let's talk about it. What— what do you have issue with? What are you not comfortable with? Because I feel like OP keeps trying to make it about price point. We made it really affordable. We made it really affordable. We made it really easy. That's not what people have an issue with. You didn't make it cool in the eyes of people who already think it's not cool. So even if you have really cheap, really affordable, really thrifty options in there for people to do, they're still giving off the vibe of, you're not going to catch me dead wearing a flower crown. Absolutely not. Not happening. I'm not doing that. But instead of voicing the fact like, hey, we don't really feel like dressing up that way, are you capable to wear floral dresses instead and skip the flower crown? Instead of handling it in a mature and straightforward conversation, they're doing this like complaining to other people. And then calling OP a bridezilla and making her feel inadequate or like she's asking too much instead of just saying, hey, we don't feel like that, we don't feel like wearing those things, thank you for the suggestions, can we like opt out, can we just say no, can we just like show up wearing whatever we want? And then we can nip that in the bud. And then if they're doing the complaining thing or anyone's complaining with them, because usually those kinds of people like attract other people that complain as well, I don't know, they just like flock together, they could then communicate on your behalf as well to be like Listen, she said it's actually not— it's— she just gave suggestions. If you want to wear something different, totally wear something different. They just don't want like fancy cocktail attire stuff. So if you just want to wear a button-up and slacks, that's better. That's totally better. Leave the jacket at home, you know, just like let's bring that down just a little bit. So there's one situation of people talking behind your back. If you just like go straight to them or you just go, you know what, if they're not talking to me, they're not talking to me. If they don't want to show up, they don't have to show up. If they don't want to wear that, they don't have to wear that. I am not engaging beyond this. I tried to make it easy. If people misinterpreted that, maybe I can own some of that. Okay, but the rest of it, I'm gonna go, I'm not owning that. That can be on you. And if you don't want to wear it, or if you don't want to show up because you didn't hear my heart in this, or I didn't phrase it well enough, then so be it. But if they're not bringing it to you and they're not discussing it with you, then you can assess whether or not you want to do this triangulation of sorts of, I heard it from this person, heard that you were discontented, blah blah blah. It gets, it gets messy. It gets to be a lot. So just know that this would be an excellent opportunity of flexing those big old boundary muscles, right? And being like, you know what, we're not I'm not playing this game. Like, I oopsied. I might have made a request that people are uncomfortable with. I might not have phrased it the right way. I might have added too much information. I might have overwhelmed people with this. The theme that I selected, people aren't considering cool. Okay, it is what it is. I did what I could. I'm just going to wash my hands of this and simply just like walk away. Enough about me. Let's, let's get back to the comments. Yeah, they can have flower crowns and capes on hand. Those will easily add a whimsical vibe to someone who comes in a more traditional guest attire. This is the way. Guests can pick their awkward. Look like party poopers or wear something they wouldn't have picked. Yes, I like this. This is good. Accessories will be provided should you want to. You know, we'll have like fabric for sashes for the dudes in place of belts. We will supply flower crowns. We'll have a flower crown making station because who knows, when they get there, they might be more excited or more keen to doing it if everyone else is doing it. You know, like this is one of those situations where the social pressure might actually come in handy. Okay, I like that. I like that idea. That's a good way of negating this. This makes sense. Like the closet at a ren faire for people who want to rent the clothing, but of course free for the guests. If we still had awards, you'd have mine. Oh, that's cute. Why not have a make your own crown station at the wedding? Just tell reticent guests to wear something long and flowy and not worry. There will be crown station. I don't know. What do guys do when that's equivalent? What? Have swords and sword belts they can strap on? Yeah. "THAT'S GREAT! Not the a-hole, but I hate this kind of stuff and would politely decline to attend your wedding. So be aware that this isn't something everyone wants to participate in." We did already cover that and we did discuss that, but now we have someone being like, "Yeah, that's great. I'm not doing it, but love that you're gonna have a vibe for your wedding. I will not be participating." "Me too. If the bride wants a theme, why not just get the bridal party to wear it instead of everyone? I'd rather just decline the invite than have to wear something I'm uncomfortable with." This person responds in all caps, "GUESTS ARE NOT PROPS." I don't think that this is OP's intent was to turn people into props. I think they're trying to create a vibe. They're trying to have a ren faire wedding. They get it. She probably overexplained, but a wedding is absolutely not about the bride and groom only. It is a hosted event and the comfort of the guests is absolutely an important and relevant factor. Like any hosted event, extending the privilege of an invitation is akin to saying you are valued and we are acknowledging your relationship to the bride and/or groom. Is important to us. That's why X amount of random people off the street aren't the invitees, and why you see so many questions and dilemmas regarding wedding guest lists. Guests aren't important, why have them? Okay, we're taking this really far, guys. I feel like we could just pump the brakes. The idea of inviting guests at your wedding is that you want them to share your celebration, not serve as props that is part of the decor. It's quite literally the point that you are honoring with an invitation, and they're honoring you with their presence. Goodness gracious. If you are imposing your own aesthetic on them, which isn't the case with a more vague dress code like cocktail dress. Fair. That's some serious I'd pay for your supper, jump when I say energy. This person replies, are you serious? Imposing your own aesthetic? It's a wedding. Obviously they are crafted around the bride and groom's desired aesthetic. Like, hello? It's completely normal to have a dress code for your wedding and expect your guests to follow it. Like, have y'all not watched/read anything about wedding planning? This is normal for weddings, and believe it or not, a lot of couples have themed weddings. Don't like it, don't go. It's that simple. That's— that's— yeah. That's not— I feel like we're not arguing this correctly. Okay. The average wedding attendee is not going to want to bother to dream up and gather supplies for even a cheap ren faire costume. If I got this in the mail from a relative I'm only slightly fond of, I'm noping out. Yeah. I don't know the context, but as I'm scrolling, I saw someone comment said, unless they dressed up as a leper. Okay, wait. Okay, hold on. Okay. People are just lazy to put a little bit more thought into what to wear. It's not a big deal. Their arms won't fall off for wearing a costume for one day unless they dress up as a leopard. Okay. Edit: Do correct mistakes. And to add: Okay, sorry, it was rude to say it's laziness, but I still think that the options are perfectly reasonable. It's— yeah, sure. Again, I think we're hyperfixating on the wrong thing. The outfits are reasonable. They're fine. They're not difficult to pull off. People don't want to wear them. Because it's nerdy and not cool. Again, I disagree with their assessment, but that's where they're coming from. It's not a price thing. It's not a guest dress code thing. It's literally— I think it's literally a themed, a hyper-specific themed nerdy-associated wedding theme. Sorry, I don't like dressing up in clothing that makes me uncomfortable. It's not lazy. I just don't care to spend money on clothing I'd wear one time. My money can be better used for my bills or savings. Well, sure. Okay. I'm not going to spend my free time sorting through thrift stores for a costume. I just RSVP no immediately. They can dress up themselves and have to wedding— and have to wedding party dress up. Can we proofread before we hit post, guys? Like, as a collective rule? Guests shouldn't have to buy a whole new outfit for one day that won't fit any other wedding dress. Okay. It's kind of crazy to expect elderly people or parents' generation to dress up like garden nymphs and swashbuckling swordsmen. But they're not! They said just wear a flower dress and the crown. I see what you're saying. The ones she wants to frolic and play with after the wedding will be dressed in their finest ren faire garb. The rest will be background visuals. It's rude to expect this of everyone. They better prepare for a significant number of people declining the invite if they hold a hard line on this big ask. Okay, we're going to go ahead and wrap this one up. I think, I think that dress codes are very divisive. I think some people love them, some people hate them, some people want it for the aesthetic. And want the group photo of like everyone wearing the same color. So it's really tonal. There are people who want that, which I understand and I appreciate. I love good like color palettes for an event. I think that managing the emotions around asking guests to adhere to that is, is beyond my taste. Like, I just don't want to do that. That sounds mentally and emotionally exhausting to me, but I get where people are coming from that I wouldn't do it. I get it. I also wouldn't have a Ren Faire wedding. But I get where people are coming from from that. You're going to get people who say, please don't determine what I'm putting on my body, and honestly have every right to say that, and every right to say, I'm gonna RSVP no because your rules are too specific, and as a guest, I don't feel like an honored attendee. I feel like a prop, or I feel like, uh, a marionette in your plan, and I don't, I don't want to do that. I don't think that's what OP's trying to do here. I think they're trying to create a really, really fun experience for the guests to participate in. And I think maybe they just didn't— they didn't phrase it correctly. And I think you have to take into account that a lot of people don't understand ren fairs or don't want to go to ren fairs or dress up like they're going to a ren fair. And I think that's okay. And so I think that if you are in a situation like this, instead suggesting something along the lines of, we will be in ren fair attire and highly encourage you to follow suit. Oh, and here's a link should you want to go check out a board with some inspiration and ideas. Should that not suit your tastes, please keep your attire simple. For dresses, think floral and comfortable and flowy. For suits, skip the coat. We want casual and comfortable with just a little bit of dressy in there. Something along those lines would have allowed for people to wear what they already have at home instead of sending them a laundry list included in the invitation, a laundry list of ideas and options for their attire in general. So this is one where I'm like, uh, getting a little bit more everyone sucks here vibes than I am like, you're the a-hole. But if you are going to try to pull off a hyper-specific and/or themed event, please bear in mind that people will RSVP no if they don't want to buy those things, or if you get to be too regimented on what that looks like, on what other people are wearing. Because I do agree, guests are not props, and I don't think that's your intention. I think you're trying to invite everyone to enjoy the experience that you enjoy alongside you, but you can't make people like the things that you like. So you kind of have to take everything with a grain of salt. So that's what we have for today's video, guys. Thank you so much for watching. Are you having a theme for your wedding? Are you having a color palette for your wedding? Are you having a dress code for your wedding? That dress code could be colored. That dress code could be cocktail attire or black tie optional, or what is it that you are hoping that your guests show up wearing at your wedding day? Or is it just, uh, I hope they don't wear, um, cargo shorts and a Hawaiian shirt? That's the baseline. Nobody wear jeans. Thanks. Go ahead and divulge in the comments down below. If you like the video, jump on down there, like the video, and while you're down there, subscribe to this channel for more tips and tricks for the modern-day bride. And until next week, bye guys!