In-Law Drama, Wedding RSVP Dilemmas & After-Party Drinks

Well, hello, lovely humans, and welcome to Engage, a wedding planning podcast for the modern-day couple. I'm your host, Jamie Wolfer, and I truly believe that wedding planning does not need to be complicated or time-consuming. I kind of picture these episodes like jumping on a quick phone call with your wedding planner. You get your answers and you go on your merry way, because sometimes not all of us have an hour to dedicate to listening to super long podcasts or super long intros. So without further ado, let's just jump right on into it. Today's episode is going to admittedly be a little bit all over the place. You see, every single month I sit down with all of the I was gonna say constituents. They're not constituents. The people over in the Master Plan course and answer your questions in live time. So if you find yourself struggling and really need to sit down and speak with a real-life wedding planner, I would love to be a part of your wedding planning journey. Join us over in the Master Plan today to get your questions answered. Until then, take a listen. Um, Sierra has a little bit of a heavy topic, so, um, I just wanna take a moment and make sure I'm not being super goofy launching into this. My future mother-in-law has been disrespectful and cold to me throughout the entire relationship with my fiancé. We recently requested an opportunity to sit down with her and my fiancé's father to discuss the tension in the relationship between us. I told her that if I had done something to offend them, I can't fix it or work on it if I don't know what it is. Well, she disclosed that she doesn't like me because I dress too provocatively. For some context, this woman is my age. 36 years old. She's my fiancé's stepmother and has some deep-seated insecurity issues in reference to being overweight and not the epitome of beauty by societal standards. I'm very fashion forward, and I always mean— and I'm always— I mean always put effort and intention into my appearance to be presented appropriately in whatever activity, gathering, or event I'm engaged in. She made it clear that she doesn't want her husband, my soon-to-be father-in-law, to be looking at me. She went as far to say that he will never hug me because he thinks that he should never touch another woman's skin. My question is how to navigate this awkwardness on my wedding day. My family is lovely, affectionate, and over-the-top welcoming my fiancé, who they adore. They'll be hugging and kissing on us all day while his parents will be sat on the sidelines with sourpuss looks on their faces because my gown shows cleavage. Oh. The pearl clutching. My fiancé has mentioned, uh, wanted to invite them— uninvite them to the wedding, but I don't want him to have regrets about his parents not being present for our special day. First of all, Sierra, woof. I'm so sorry. That— there, there isn't like a book for that, right? Where you're like, oh, my stepmother-in-law doesn't like the way I dress. I would say, first of all, I already said first of all. I would do your best to try to separate yourself from that on your wedding day. I don't think you need to be worried about the look on their faces. I don't think you need to be worried about whether or not they're being hugged on or physically loving on people on your wedding day. I don't think that's the full question of what you're asking here, but I want to address that first. When it comes to your wedding day, love on the people that are loving on you. If he doesn't, if your future father-in-law doesn't want to touch another woman, cool, good. I mean, he'll, he'll stay committed to that. That's, I'm happy for him. Um, if you want to figure out how to navigate this relationship with this woman moving forward, that sounds to me like it's going to be a different conversation. So when it comes to the wedding day, let just, I was about to say, let it go. And that's, that's not my intent. Let it be what it is. You don't need to cajole them into hugs. You don't need to force them to be touching in family photos or anything like that. Um, I think that you are probably wanting to figure out how to navigate this relationship moving forward, because you're still going to keep dressing the way you would like to be dressing and the way that you feel good dressing. And if your future stepmother-in-law has an issue with that, she's already made that quite clear. And then it's just a matter of how much do you want to let these words affect you? Do you want to change what you're wearing when you go to their house or when you hang out with them? Because you can. And I get that from the perspective of being an Enneagram 3 and being like, you know what? I'm okay to put on something that feels less provocative just to not deal with the issue while I'm here, and on my own time I can wear whatever I want. That might be a choice that I would make, potentially hang out with in-laws if they had an issue like this, or I would have a conversation with them saying, you know what, this is who I am. I don't feel as though I dress provocatively. I, I hate that you feel that way. I feel quite confident in what I wear. I appreciate and understand the boundary of you You know, your husband not wanting to be touched, and I will honor that. That is not a problem for me. I can tell you with my whole heart, and I could say this with my whole chest, I'm not here for that version. I'm here for this version. So like, we're good. It's okay. And if it continues to be an issue, which this sounds like a pretty severe reaction, in my opinion, to something of this nature, if it continues to be an issue, then you need to decide what this relationship looks like moving forward. And this will be something that you invite your fiancé into as well. When it comes to the wedding day, I would not worry about the look on their faces. I would not worry about hugging them. The petty part of me, I gotta be totally honest, the petty part of me would be— I would have— would struggle with the family photo moment and them coming in close and being like, oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I know I can't touch you. I understand that we would want to do something like that, right? That's not going to do anything to help promote family relations for sure. Oh, I'm so sorry, do you want to put him in between us? So we're not, we're not close. Don't want a boob to pop out. I mean, like, that's not, that's obviously not going to be a healthy way of handling this. But I just want you to know that if you're feeling those feelings or just that frustration of like, I'm not dressing poorly, I dress wonderfully and I celebrate and I love the way that I dress. It kind of makes me mad that she's feeling this way or responding this way, that I would have the same feelings. So wedding day, let it be what it is. Love on the people that you want to love on. You know, maybe be aware of it in the family photos, passive-aggressively or not. I would recommend not because it's probably not going to get you very far. Passive-aggressive doesn't get, you know, the person who's feeling it very far. Right. And then decide what you want to do with the relationship moving forward. Maybe once she's said it, she won't feel as strongly, or maybe this is just the beginning and it will get harder as time goes on. That'll be something that you and your future husband will then have to navigate as those issues continue to arise. Or if you feel like, hey, we've kind of already had this discussion. I feel like I'm dressing more conservatively now. It still feels like you're kind of frustrated with me, and I don't really know how to please you. And at a certain point, I have to just dress for myself and not dress for your insecurities or your frustrations with how I dress. Maybe don't say your insecurities after I said that. Yeah, maybe don't use that one. Hopefully that gives you enough bolstering to move forward. I hope and pray that this does not affect your wedding day, and I hope your girls look great there. Sitting here listening to a podcast is all fine and dandy, right? But sometimes you need an actual person to be asking some of these questions to. And you may be sitting there going, you know what, Jamie, actually, yeah, that, that makes a lot of sense. I would love to be able to ask you these questions. Guess what? You need to join the Master Plan. You've heard me talk about it, but do you know why I love it so much? You get over 10 lessons that walk you through planning your wedding with videos and spreadsheets and other detailed resources along the way. Join me and my virtual clients over in the Master Plan and get all your wedding planning questions answered. Literally thousands of couples have gone on this journey with me, and I'd love for you to be next. Check it out at wolferandco.com/tmp. That's wolferandco.com/tmp. Listen, wedding budgets suck. They're just like the actual worst. And the hardest part for me is that weddings are not cookie cutter. They're not one size fits all. And I think it's important to make sure that you're budgeting according to your priorities. Build a budget that works with your vision, and you'll be on the path to planning a wedding that you Really want. So if you want my recommendations for making your perfect budget for you and your partner, head on over to weddingpriorities.com. I do not have any biological aunts or uncles. My parents were both only children, but I did have a frontie and a frunkle. I love that you spelled that out. Mom's friends from university, we would go visit them, their daughters my age, every summer and spend weeks with them. 16-hour drive. I've always viewed them as family. Last year we were out visiting and I told them I was engaged and gave them a save the date 13 months in advance. They told me they were thrilled and wouldn't miss it for the world. Now I'm 50 days out and just got their RSVP. I'm devastated. They said no. When my mom emailed them to ask why, they said, oh, you'll be too busy with family stuff to visit with us. We'll come out to visit another time. The only thing going through my head is, you are my family. I know other people have things going on in their lives. But if they had just said that something came up or any other number of reasons, I might be okay. But this just feels like a cop-out. I'm really struggling with it. Help. I, I'm sorry. I don't see harm in contacting them and saying, hey, I understand that you want to leave space for family. I just want you to know that you count. You are family. So if you have other things going on, I totally get it. I really want you there. You are my aunt. You are my uncle, if not in title, in spirit and in heart. And so having you present, respectfully, like, you are the closest thing I have to that. And of course I want you there. Of course I want your daughter there. Of course I want you experiencing this alongside me. That might help you feel better, and that might invite the opportunity for them to say, Yeah, we had something else come up. We just thought we'd be burdensome. We thought we just, you know, were these— or we thought we were these people that you visited. And yes, we, we love the connection we had with you. We just, we didn't want to intrude. Um, but it opens the conversation up. If you're like, you know what, I just don't think I could have the conversation, I get it. Um, but it's not going to go anywhere unless it is addressed. So it could be one of those things that just kind of feels like a thorn in your side for quite a while if you don't have a conversation about it. And for some people, they're like, that's okay. I'll let it be a thorn, and then I will bless it, and I will move on. Other people might be like, I can't. I don't know if I can. I can't picture my wedding day without you. So I just wanted to call and double check and make sure that you know the spot that you hold in my life, and you know the value that you have in my heart. So you don't feel like you have to skip it simply because you're not quote unquote family, because you are to me. And if they're like, no, we did have something come up. We just, we felt like we would be in an imposition and we figured we'd just go do this. That is, um, that is a separate conversation. So I am sorry. I hope that helps. My partner and I are having a very small destination ceremony and reception. Think like maybe 35 guests total. We've decided to have our reception dinner at a mom-and-pop diner for lots of reasons. We know that the majority of our guests won't want to drink or party, but a few, including my partner, will. So we've decided to have an after-party at a lounge within walking distance of the reception. We are paying for the dinner at the diner and would like to pay for the first round of drinks at the after-party. What is the best and most polite way to communicate to staff and guests that we are only paying for the first round? Well, communicate to staff, that's a separate conversation. That's asking them, right? That's going to them and saying, hey, we would like to come with a small group, probably X amount of people. To have drinks after our event is over. I think the best— I think where it gets to be difficult is gauging each person's individual drink. You are in a very fortunate position of having a smaller guest list. So let's say a 3rd of the people come and you're looking at 10 to 12 people, right? And so then you could tell your guests that are there will purchase your first drink. So say for first drink, put it on our tab. That, that could be one way to handle it. If it is larger than 10 people, or you feel like it's gonna be too unruly to try to manage your guests self-moderating that, then you might need to go to the staff or to the bar, wherever you're having this, and say either this is our cap. Once it goes over this amount, we're done spending. But it's gonna be really hard to track Who is your guest and who is adding to your tab from a staff perspective. So I'm kind of processing this out loud as we're talking. I would say if it's small enough, if you feel like it's gonna be a small enough group, just go, go with the version of telling the guests, hey, first drink's on us. Now that seems more conversational, right? That isn't something that you would put on an invitation or something like that. So if you do want to make it more formal, I would suggest putting it on the website saying after-party at this location, first drink is on us. You can, you can literally put it that simply, um, and it should get the point across. I don't think of any— I can't think of any other etiquette things that you'd need to check off or say or do, because what you're doing is, um, slightly different, which is fine. I think it's a great way of making sure that you are treating your guests but also not overspending. So hopefully that answers your question. I think it depends on the amount of guests that you have, and I think it depends on the place that you're going to afterwards at the lounge. You know, do you want to do a limit? That was going to be the other thing that I was going to say, or you could have like drinks that you'll cover, we'll cover like 15 margaritas. And once we've hit 15, we're done, but it's hard to define what that cap is from a staff and/or lounge perspective, as opposed to from a guest perspective. So either you need to find a way of delineating that with the staff, type of drink, type of 3 different types of drinks, whatever, or a cap, a financial and monetary cap. Or you go to your guests and say, we'll cover the first one and just hope everyone listens. You could also do tickets in an environment that has done tickets before or is okay with doing something like that. But then again, you're asking the staff to kind of monitor that administratively if it's not defined by a cash cap and/or a drink type. That was a very roundabout answer. Hope that helped, Allie. If you are struggling with wedding planning and you have questions and you just need someone to listen and to chat with, come join us in the Master community over at themasterplanwed.com. I would love to have you in there. Thanks so much for listening. If you haven't done so already, subscribe, jump on over to wherever you're listening to this podcast and leave a 5-star review so we can let the podcast people know that Jamie knows what she's talking about sometimes. And until next time, bye guys!