How I Managed My Dificult Divorce

This weekly podcast inspires you to step outside of your comfort zone. My name is Zaakirah Muhammad, and I'm your host of the Living Legacy Podcast. I am a cancer survivor, brand cultivating strategist, author, and world traveler. This Living Legacy Podcast features women of purpose sharing stories of resilience. They are single and married. They are artists and entrepreneurs who run businesses and juggle parenthood. If you are ready to hear interviews about professionalism, entrepreneurship, Travel, life, and love. You are in the right place. They will share stories of how they overcame adversity while seeing life through a different lens. Let's get into it.

Greetings and welcome back to the Living Legacy Podcast. So it's been a while since you paid for me, so I will admit that life has definitely happened. So since we last spoke. I have actually been going through a divorce, and as of the time of this episode being released, it had been a couple of weeks since the divorce had been finalized. How am I feeling? I am taking it a day at a time. Am I happy? Somewhat. I'm getting there. But the most important thing is that I feel very much loved. And it would just— even though the divorce itself took It took 2 months. Technically, it was 2 years in the making because we have been going back and forth about our problems and what was going right, what was going wrong, and going back and forth about the goals we did want to achieve together. And it just wasn't working out. So I've just been doing a few things to take care of my own mental health in the meantime. because it had also been 2 months since corona had been going around as well. I have been mad, I have been sad, I have been hopeful. I've, um, just been aiming for nothing but positive vibes. So it has been hard, you know, because my love languages, which is going to be a future podcast episode, is physical touch and quality time. Those are my top 2 love languages. So thank goodness for words of affirmation and acts of services. Working when the other 2 can't, you know, speak as well. But I'll admit that this episode really is to change the narrative of divorce, to change the narrative of the secrecy of divorce, behind divorce, because I feel like it's one of those taboo topics that people don't really talk about. You know, I mean, I've even started watching movies about divorce Parties. I understand them now, now that I'm going through it myself. So I'll say that I went to therapy. Of course, technically I was already quarantined because my car was not working for a month. Now thank goodness my ex-husband was willing to help me, you know, get my car repaired. But during that time I couldn't go anywhere, so I decided to use talk-based therapy. And even though I did stay busy, you know, with making sure that my website looked good and revamped just for you, and also continuing with book marketing and shipping out book orders that came directly through my website, I was also using the time to really work on the back end of my social media marketing agency called Phocus Media Group. Phocus with a PH. And I got to reconnect with my tribe, as a friend said. Even more in touch with my closest childhood best friends. And being in touch with them really helped me realize who's truly there for me and who isn't, you know.

Right.

Because as I slowly began to tell, you know, some friends, some family, some acquaintances that I met either through the immigration process— because if you listen to the previous episode of, um, my podcast, one is the episode of how I met my husband, but 2, there's an episode where I literally interviewed an immigration consultant. You know that my husband is West African and we struggled through the immigration process. But even when I would tell them what was going on, the biggest, the most common response I got was like, I'm so sorry. But I'm like, what are you sorry about? You know, that's my mentality. I was like, what are you sorry for? And I'll rest assured that it definitely was not— it was not related to cheating. It was not related to any immigration scams. It was literally like my friend, family friend, said, that 2 people just trying to make it work and just couldn't. You know, we had different love languages of ways to show each other love and we just couldn't. But the one thing, the wording that just stayed with me was someone saying, how can I support you in this time? Right? That spoke my love language. That meant the most to me. So yeah, I mean, it's just the same thing of— it's still grief, you know. You still have to mourn what could have, would have, and should have been, you know. So I used a lot— utilized therapy, Talk Space. It helped me to— honestly, it helped me to plan my next chapter, which ironically has ended up being a full circle because I'm going to talk about that in a second, but There was something that I wanted to do for myself, uh, before I even got married that I tried to incorporate, you know, with my ex-husband, but it didn't work out that way, right? Yeah, so music was there for me. I, yeah, I would cry sometimes. I would cry sometimes. I would just not say anything sometimes. I would just do nothing but sleep sometimes. I would do nothing but eat sometimes. I wouldn't eat at all sometimes. I just literally just did nothing but binge-watch movies. And that's A-okay. You know, it's so funny that I was doing this way before everyone was mandated to do it. Facebook Memories really just reminded me that as soon as I moved back into my parents' household after living 2 years in D.C., it was about a month after that I really started taking monthly trips to the Atlanta, Georgia area. My brother and sister live there. My brother's 3 kids live there now. My childhood close friends live there, and it's an entrepreneur hub. I would say African American entrepreneur hub, and I am an entrepreneur first. I'm a photographer. I'm a creative. I'm a creative visual. So I was networking like crazy. I was there at many events, many. concerts. I was a press photographer for many concerts and red carpet events. I attended photography workshops. And it just had me realizing how often I was there. And so that's honestly— it's so weird to say, but so interesting to say that I am single again. But at this time to truly Focus, love myself the way that I want to be loved, right? Because I do want that 90 down below. But also just truly surround myself with friends and family and those who will help take me to that next level of these visions that have never left my mind. The things that I've learned from this is that, I mean, I have no regrets at all. I just have a lot of lessons to learn. What did you learn? Especially the 3 Ps that I learned was about procrastination. There are a lot of things I listed my own personal goals that I procrastinated on. Patience. I thought I was a patient person, but I learned I have a lot more, a long way to go even to this day. And then pleasures. I learned what I like and what I don't like, you know, and what I'm looking for and not looking for in, you know, my next husband. So yeah, I'm still very much hopeful about marriage. I just know that as of right now, I'm just gonna enjoy or remind myself of what it means to truly worry about myself, live my best life. You know, it's crazy. My mom even was saying to me when we were going through the process, she was like, I think you need to be practicing what you preach. You know, like right now, You don't seem to be practicing what you preach. Because I was visibly unhappy, yes. And it was just really hard to get out of my head of— I was in the Nashville, Tennessee area really for him, so he can be close to associates of his community, of the African community. I'm a nomad. I'm a Sagittarius. I can make nice anywhere I go. But if I want to truly fulfill all of my dreams, I know that Atlanta is the place for me. So yeah, I think, um, it took a while to process, but divorce does not mean failure. For a while, that's what I thought because I didn't want to be divorced. I wanted to be married once. But I mean, my own parents were married 3 times. So at least there's something I can learn from that, that there is always something And I feel like that's, that's, that was something I struggled with even in my marriage. I was always one foot in, one foot out, because I'm like, okay, the moment that I am unhappy, in the moment that I am expressing my desires and they're not being heard or fully reciprocated, you know, it always had me wondering. Um, so yeah, I'm gonna be giving myself life the same way I give Any of these men life, you know, not fake, not figuratively, you know, because yes, we did struggle with, um, having children, but I mean giving them life. Like, I literally was the one to help with giving a better life, you know. So I will say this, my ex-husband was a good man but just was not a good husband, right? How, how can you be if If you've never really had examples of a good marriage or good love, you know, how would you know to fully be one? And the same thing goes for fatherhood, you know. It's like, how would a father know how to be a good father if they didn't have one? I mean, most of the time, yes, you learn from what you didn't see, right? If you did not have your father, you know what to do, what not to do, right? That's the same thing when it comes to marriages. When it comes to intercultural marriages, there are a lot of different expectations, and it's just a battle of knowing what you grew up with and knowing what you live in the world right now, completely different. So yeah, I mean, it's painful, but it will go away. I believe that. I thank goodness for my girlfriends, really, because if it wasn't for them, I probably would Still be married in this situation. Because I will say that it was different because it was like a Band-Aid, a scab, just quickly pulling off a Band-Aid because it was like, ow, but then the pain slowly but surely going away. So even though it was in the makeup of marriage, and even though I technically walked away with nothing but lessons and Memories, both good and bad, and a few of my electronics and appliances. Every divorce is different because neither one of us wanted it to be a big old ugly fight because we've seen it happen over and over in our lives. Yeah, it's just, it's possible, you know, especially if you don't have kids and you don't have a house, and that's how it was able to be smooth. But most people have difficult divorces depending on the state they live in. Depending on how many kids, as well as depending on how many assets they had together. So we had none of that. So we were able to waive alimony, waive not going to court, waive serving each other, you know. So I'm grateful though that I did not have a child through this because it would make things so much more difficult. And I'm grateful that I didn't really legally change my name everywhere. So there's a few things I got to change and remove, you know, like— insurances, but it's not as much, you know. So I never really did change my name because even though Damba, D-M-B-A, was my married name, I just started using that as a part of my brand. It wasn't legally on my documents. So you may see some shifts. Eventually I will be rebranding myself a bit more. But yeah, I thank goodness for music. I thank goodness for friends, and that's what I'm going to focus on, getting closer to my purpose, you know. It's so ironic though that I realized that I met my husband in the month of March, the immigration process began in the month of March, we got divorced in the month of March, and his birthday is in the month of March. So you would think that I have a love-hate relationship with the month of March by now, but no, nothing but positivity, nothing but happiness, nothing but good vibes. So thank you for listening, and please continue to support the Living Legacy podcast, and I will continue to bring more interviews to you that will educate and inspire and empower women and encourage you to share your story. Because that's what this podcast is all about, all about sharing the stories of overcoming adversity with resilience, right? And through that, you're helping me to continue fulfilling and live my purpose. So thank you so much for listening.

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Thank you for listening to the Living Legacy Podcast. Be sure to subscribe, follow, and download so you don't miss the next episode. If you want to learn more, you can visit zaakirahmayar.com. That's Z-A-A-K-I-R-A-H-M-A-Y-A-R.com. K-I-R-A-H-N-A-Y-Y-A-R dot com. Do you have any suggestions on a topic you want to be talked about? Send me an email or leave them in a review. If you love this episode, be sure to share it with your friends.