Love and Marry Yourself First with Fabiana Dorea

This weekly podcast inspires you to step outside of your comfort zone. My name is Zaakirah Muhammad, and I'm your host of the Living Legacy Podcast. I am a cancer survivor, brand cultivating strategist, author, and world traveler. This Living Legacy Podcast features women of purpose sharing stories of resilience. They are single and married. They are artists and entrepreneurs who run businesses and juggle parenthood. If you are ready to hear interviews about professionalism, entrepreneurship, travel, life, and love, you are in the right place. They will share stories of how they overcame adversity while seeing life through a different lens. Let's get into it.

So today on the Live a Legacy Podcast, we have Fabiana Doria. She is a corporate lawyer turned life coach, writer, and public speaker. She considers herself a self-love expert. She taught herself how to become human again and and love her wholeness. She's of Brazilian descent and studied law in Brazil, then her master's in London in the early 2010s. She then became a transformative life coach in 2017. She writes about emotional health and gives insights for Brazilian magazine, which is distributed in London. How ironic is that? So aside from coaching, she develops her own workshops, which are based on her life experiences. Learning how to marry yourself first and learning how to be human again. To strengthen the relationship within yourself is the main motto. So Fabiana is great with empowering and awakening women to know and understand and practice their role in society. So everyone in life has one of those eat, pray, love phases in their life, and Fabiana did just that. So she left everything behind, um, 2 soul-searches. She didn't know what she wanted, but she knew she could not live in that phase of life that she was in anymore. So everybody thought she had it all, but she knew that's not what it was. And so it took a lot of self-love and self-exploration, which is always a painfully difficult journey and a painfully difficult conversation. But today we're going to talk about all of that. So Fabiana, thank you so much for being here. How are you? How is weather in Brazil?

Thank you for having me. I'm very pleased to be here sharing my experiences with you. The weather here, it's raining. It's super hot but raining. Very unusual. It's usually very sunny. But yeah.

How have you been managing? I think we're definitely going to talk about self-care. So how has your self-care How has your regimen been since, you know, 2020?

Wow, that's actually a great question. This pandemic for me has actually been a blessing. One, because it brought me closer to my family. I've been living in London for 11 years and I took this opportunity to come back. I'm doing home office. But in the beginning of the pandemic, because I didn't have to commute and I gained 2 hours of my day. I'm a doer, right? So I, I was doing everything you can imagine, all the courses online, all the self-development, learning a new language. And so I ended up so, so tired and just so bombarded with so many stimulus and information. That I was exhausted without going anywhere. So I had to actually get out of social media, take a step back, come back to basics, go within so I wouldn't go without. And now I'm just doing what speaks my language, but really restraining the information and the type of information that I digest, that I allow, you know, to read. So this is the self-care that I've been taking. It's not only— I've maintained my meditation, yoga, and exercise routine during the pandemic, but also health is what you see, what you read, what you do before you go to bed. So I had to pay attention to a lot more of that. So I filtered a lot of the information I was receiving.

Absolutely, absolutely. And so we all literally have to have that moment of quiet, of have that moment of clarity to really get to where we are now, get to that place of peace.

Yes, 100%.

So what was life like growing up for you though? Because it seemed like there, there was maybe a slight contrast and you literally had to do a lot of self-exploration. So what was life like growing up for you?

Life growing up was amazing. I am the youngest of 2 older sisters. I grew up in a very loving family. Obviously, it has its issues, as every family. You know, it's our biggest teacher, is our family. But I grew up very free, very free-spirited, between the farm and the beaches in Brazil. So riding horses, playing around with cattle. Very, very nature, but also coming from a very close-minded society. I only knew one type of reality, which was you go to a university, you find yourself a good man, maybe you buy a house, and if you're lucky, you get to go for holidays twice a year. But that's if you're really lucky, you know, and you have kids. You must have kids here in Brazil. And my sisters went that way. My parents are happily married. My grandparents are happily married. And I was going the same way. I was engaged to an amazing guy. I had a good job in law. But there was something missing. It was like as if that ready-made cake recipe, one fits all, Just didn't apply to me. And so that was hard, but that was more towards my 20s. Growing up, I was really free. It was amazing, very nature. But I had these existential questionings that started at 19. I think I had my first midlife crisis there.

So I feel like that's the thing. Water is, at least for us, for those of us who are empath, for those of us who love serving and helping people, water is amazing. For us within our healing journey.

Yeah, yeah. I think that there's a Chinese proverb that I really love that says, before I go out and change the world, go around your house 3 times. And that's exactly what happened to me. I did law because I wanted to change the world. I wanted to voice the oppressed. I wanted to be, you know, to give power back to the people. So I wanted to create change. But when I did life coaching, I saw that all that was in my power was to change myself. And that's why I got so frustrated with law, because I was going against the whole system. I wasn't changing anything, and I was getting frustrated, you know, with something that was already installed. And to perceive that and see that healers aren't creatures descending from the sky, they, they come from a great deal of pain of dealing with You know, the pain of existentialism, the pain of changing, the pain of serving. And I knew that was something much, much more bigger than me, much bigger than this physical body. But I had to really heal myself first. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to be there 100% to process someone else, to support someone else in their process.

Absolutely. And so I think that's important though. But how— Would you define, I think for me, it was really interesting to see that you are not necessarily a holistic coach, but a whole-istic coach with a W. So how did that come about?

So this came about actually, I think there is a saying that we said, oh, he's my other half. Or, you know, it's like you're half human being. And I was like, I'm not— I'm a complete human being with all my emotions and all of this array, this rainbow of, you know, sub-personalities. And it came from also watching the yin and the yang symbol, that they complement each other. And hence, when I finally understood the The difference between completing and complementing, that's when the holistic came. Be whole. Like, when you are whole, you will find someone else who's as whole as you are to complement you. But you gotta give yourself first that love. You gotta, you gotta be, you know, your first— the first love of your life is the only person you can never divorce. And also on my quest, I've always been very— coming from Brazil, I've always been very physical. So I've always took care of my physical health and of my nutrition, and then of the cognitive, of the emotional health. And then I came on my spiritual journey. It hit me in 2016, and it was also about the integration of this triad, you know, finding the balance between them. than 3, because for me, what I saw here in Brazil was a lot of people very happy with their physical body, toned, but then they couldn't sit with themselves for 5 minutes in silence. Or the other way around, I saw people that could completely enjoy their own company but didn't like what they see in the mirror, what they saw in the mirror. So it was for me becoming a complete, well-rounded human being in all areas. Having the balance between all of them.

I love that. Now tell me how— no, tell me why self-love, healing, forgiveness, compassion, all those, all the words have similar meaning, but why do you feel they are important?

I think that's one of the— I think that should be a compulsory subject in school. You know, they teach us everything in school except to love ourselves. And I think that's just crazy. And I've been there as well, actually, so many times. And this is also a little bit of my family that I carry with me. We always have to be the good girl and the one that always says yes to people, even when saying yes is detrimental to us. So I struggle a lot on saying no. I wanted to be loved and perceived as a good girl in the eyes of the other. But at the end of the day, I was feeling exhausted. I was feeling depleted. I was sad, and I couldn't love anyone else at that point because I was just exhausted. And so setting up boundaries and finding that love within Without— self-love is completely different from being egotistical. It's 2 different things. Like, when you have love for yourself, you just love the human race so much, you have so much love to distribute, and you cannot give to others what you don't give to yourself. And hence the importance as well of being complete as you are, no matter what the situation is, if you're single, if you're married. Because when you complete yourself, you don't look for someone else to give that to you. And so there's a lot of less finger-pointings, a lot less judgments, a lot less, oh, you're supposed to do this, you're supposed to do that, you're supposed to be a certain way. There's a lot more acceptance. When you accept yourself whole, with all your imperfections, you accept the other one.

Mm-hmm.

As well. So I think the relationship you cultivate with yourself ultimately dictates every other relationship— your relationship with your parents, with your loved one, with the world. So for me, it's very important.

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I, I definitely agree with what you said because I feel like everyone has to go through the opposite of those words in order to really get to that point of being compassionate enough for yourself, loving yourself enough to be able to go to the movies by yourself, to the gym by yourself, to the beach by yourself, things of that sort. Tell me about the time in 2015, 2016 where you really were overcoming adversity with resilience. Tell me about that time point of where you were mentally.

Oh my God. I think that was my toughest year so far. I literally hit rock bottom in 2015. I was, I didn't know what I wanted. I was still a lawyer back then. I didn't know which direction to take. I was one ocean away from my family, by myself, dealing with everything that was emerging, with all my deconstructions, with all my identities. And I didn't have a clue. I didn't know what I wanted. So I was just lost. And I kept asking myself, is that life? Like going to the office, coming back, paying my bills, going on holidays? I don't want to live that way. And I felt so lost. I remember actually opening like my window and just asking like for some extraterrestrial being to abduct me. Because I just felt there was a very big sense of not belonging anywhere. I didn't identify with all that identities that I was brought up with, and I was led to believe that that was me. And I didn't know where to turn. So it was a very, very dark period for me. I had to look in the mirror and say— and make a decision, because I was very scared to lose myself in the process and not finding my way back. Because I went— I dug so deep, like there were so many truths coming up and things I didn't— ugly sides of myself that I never faced. And I used to look at that, I'm like, no, you cannot be that human being. And then I'm like, you know what, I am that too. And that needs acknowledgement, you know, this emotion, this personality, whatever is coming up for me needs to be acknowledged and accepted.

And how did you— how did it— how did that experience transform you into who you are today, where you are today?

Yeah, that So like I said, I had to make a decision. So I remember in 2015, on the New Year's Eve, I remember clearly, I was spending with my family in Brazil and I had to— I said, we retired, and I went to meditation. And I had a very honest conversation with myself. Fabiana, you don't drown by jumping into the water, but you drown by remaining. Hmm. And I was a whole year during this already on this process. So I said, you now need to go to surface and breathe a little bit, and then you can, you can go back, but now you need to breathe. And just like magic, I, as my birthday came along, I got a ticket to India, which was truly a dream. And just there I had so many awakenings. I don't know, everything just came together. And I decided that it was really time for a full self-acceptance because it's really easy to accept ourselves and find self-love when we have a good relationship, when we have a good job, when everything's turning out right. But in my case, everything was completely off track. And I had to pick up my pieces and say, you know what, girl, give yourself a little tap in the back. You've done well and Let's keep moving, you know, just ask for guidance, you're gonna find it. And so I started to befriend my demons, to befriend that denied aspects of myself that I didn't like, and I started to actually like, you know, there was a side up there, the angry side. I started to live and coexist with it, and I really started to find love to every aspect of myself, really.

I love that, and I think it's very important The important key that I took away from that is to be gentle with yourself because yes, you could have it all. Yes, you could look good in the eyes of your family and your significant other, but if you know you don't have it all together, so the most important thing is to be gentle with yourself.

There is— I do an exercise usually at my workshop that is just to establish the quality of that internal chatter. And I asked my, you know, the attendees to go see the quality of the chatter, the tone of voice, how does that make them feel. And then I asked them to close their eyes and ask themselves if they would ask— they would treat a loved one the same way that they treat themselves. And the majority of the time they say no, because we're so much more critical with ourselves than we are with other people. It's so much easier to forgive thy neighbor than to forgive ourselves. So finding that compassion and that kindness that you just said, it's really, really, really important.

Definitely important because most of us as women are natural nurturers, natural caretakers, and we want to make sure everybody else is good before us. Okay, so there's this quote I got from one of your websites. I'm going to read it to you, and I want you to just tell me what it means to you, why you chose it, the aha moment, the whole bit. OK, so here's the quote. It's by Rumi. This being human is a guest house. Every morning there's a new arrival of joy, depression, meanness. Some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all, even if they are a crowd of sorrows who violently sweep the house empty of its furniture, Still treat guests honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark, the shame, the malice— meet them at the door laughing. Invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes because each has been sent as a guide beyond to you.

Rumi, I love him. That's beautiful. I love his poetry. So this came from experiencing all this range of emotions. And there's a saying in shadow work that says, whatever you can't be with won't let you be. So this being human came because especially now we have this wave of positive psychology where people are namaste and positive vibes only. And I think that's criminal. I think that is as criminal as being angry all the time. If you see nature, everything is cyclical. You have night, you have day, you have winter, you have spring, you have moon cycles, we have menstrual cycles. It's— everything is cyclical. So if flowers don't blossom all year round, you cannot expect that from yourself. We can't expect to be, you know, proactive and producing all the time, high, you know, in high vibes. So I identify myself so much with this poetry because It's energy. It's— emotion equals energy in motion. And everything, that's the law of nature. Everything is transitory, is passing from time to time. So us as human beings, we gotta be complete and whole and accept that we have a whole range of emotions to go through, you know. And it's not fair to you to Just shove it down, the anger, shove it down with the uncomfortable emotions, and try to be happy all the time. It doesn't work like that. It will become a snowball, and that will come back at you at some point. So this is just acknowledging, you know what, I'm sad today. It's okay to be sad. It's fine. I'll, you know, I'll nurture myself a little bit today. I'll stay with myself, and that too shall pass. Or I'm super happy today. I'm vibing high, and that's amazing. It too shall pass. Let me enjoy this moment, you know, let me make the most out of it. And so it's just welcoming all. And also, energy is energy. We are the ones that give the judgment and the quality to the energy. We deem anger as bad energy and happiness as good energy. But for— in the practical side, energy is energy. So the energy you get from anger could be channeled to do amazing things. If you just— if you're able to feel it and let it pass through and then channel it, you know, to complete a project or something else, it can do wonders. So it's just the human mind giving the quality and the judgments, but in the practical side, it's just energy, you know.

Now, where can we find you, um, on the web? Where can we find your services? How can we all work with you?

So I'm mainly on Instagram and on LinkedIn. I took my website off for now just to focus on one thing at a time. But usually I do my lives on Instagram. Yeah, I'm more active there, I would say, than on LinkedIn.

So it's at— the handle is?

Fabiana Doria, and the Instagram is fabi_doria.

Well, speaking of energy, I definitely love your energy. Uh, you are definitely a ray of light. So thank you so much for bringing that on to the Living Legacy Podcast.

Thank you so much for having me. It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much.

I look forward to, uh, having the US and Brazil come together and just, you know, be in unity, be in harmony with this podcast episode.

Yes, 100%. Thank you so much for your time.

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