113: Why Great Teams Always Give Benefit of the Doubt

Of all the things I could have told this client to try when they were stuck, I could not believe that this was the breakthrough. Welcome back to the Reality Based Leadership Podcast. I'm your host, Alex Dorr, CEO of Reality Based Leadership. And I'm so excited you're here for this episode because on this podcast, first of all, We do all we can to help you lead without drama, build alignment in your teams, and call those you lead to greatness. That's everything we do here on this podcast. Each episode, we take 12 to 15 minutes and we try to hit on a topic that could be an interference or it could be a spot where your teams are stuck, or it could be a spot where even you're stuck and trying to figure things out as a leader. And we break it down for you. We look at stories that are happening from my sessions and workshops and keynotes out on the road. I try and bring back those patterns and those themes to be able to share here. Some of these I have really thought through and other ones I have some notes and I'm thinking through with you, which makes the podcast a little bit of a different experience. And which is why I love so many of you that are joining and then reaching out to me on social media and saying your perspectives, your ideas, or how that worked for you. And then even giving me more topics. And so in this session, I want to go back to that client that was really stuck. And this technique. And in these few episodes coming forward here, I'm focused on going back to the basics of reality-based leadership. And this breakthrough was actually me going back to the basics of reality-based leadership to help them. And that's really a lesson underneath the lesson in this podcast episode today, is that leaders want to get fancy and clever. There's a challenge and you're stuck and you're trying to figure out maybe how to coach this person or work beyond this resistance or try and get through this source of drama. And people reach out to me and And they're like, what is the fancy technique? Or what is the clever thing we can do? Or what is the advanced tool I could use to finally, you know, get people to like see the path forward or, or help unlock where we're stuck and get us going in a different direction? And I sometimes in the past, and it does happen still from time to time, go into like this fancy reality-based leadership tool. And it could work. But many times going back to the basics is a better way forward. And so, when this group was stuck, here's the technique that I pulled out, the technique or the concept, which is giving the benefit of the doubt. See, this group was looking around and they were starting to see like people were out to get them. Nothing was in flow state. Like every single step felt like they were running into a barrier. And even their colleagues or departments that were there to support them to deliver for their customers, their clients, their patients, They felt like they were a roadblock. They were the no people. Everything was getting in the way. And this is usually a sign that this technique we're going to talk about can really help. And so, the technique is giving the benefit of the doubt. That's it. The benefit of the doubt. And that's what I want to dive into is this idea of giving the benefit of the doubt, assuming noble intent, not taking the first story that comes to our mind about a situation, a colleague, a department, which is usually negative. And usually, it's the ego adding on a huge story about what's really happening that goes down the spiral. Watching for that pattern, which is totally normal. It's part of the human condition. It happens to all of us. Noticing that and then being able to call a timeout, recenter your team, and ask something like, if we were given benefit of the doubt, what could be another explanation here? And this isn't, you know, gaslighting. This isn't changing a situation and putting a false reality on it. We'll talk about the shadow side of this great technique and the edge cases for it a little bit on this podcast. But the idea of giving benefit of the doubt is so important because one, it's the definition of a professional, is that in the absence of information, I will choose to give you the benefit of the doubt. And I will assume noble intent for your actions or what's missing here. And I won't fill in that information with a negative story, judgments, assignments of motive. And we'll get into it in the podcast because that then, when I believe that, changes how I feel in my behaviors. And it usually creates even more problems because as I step into the situation, I could be wrong. And then it starts to get negative. And then I could be the one, chicken or the egg effect, That's creating a bigger problem. And so, let's look at benefit of the doubt and back it up a bit before we get into some of the things that are happening. And I actually want to not just talk about this concept, but talk about almost the slow it down for how the mind works that leads to different feelings, different actions, different results. So, you can interrupt this and actually make a pivot in your day or your team's day to use this technique For better, to get better results and to have more engagement or joy at work. And that's the real idea on hopefully every episode of this podcast is not just conceptually talking about leadership, but really nailing it down into a framework or something you can see, and then into some reflection or tools you can use in your very next meeting or conversation when benefit of the doubt's not happening. And so, let's look at this. So, the first thing to know about benefit of the doubt is the stories behind it. If you're not careful and the ego's out to play, we get into the same 3 stories that are as old as time itself in the workplace and the workplace, which is the stories that people are feeling when they're not giving benefit of the doubt with their teams, when it feels like everyone's against them and things aren't working and everyone's putting roadblocks in, in front of us getting the work we need done. There's 3 stories. Yeah. There's the villain story, or, or sorry, excuse me, I want to start with the victim story. Then there's the villain story, and then there's the helpless story. So the victim story is, well, I'm the innocent victim, we're the innocent victims, people are out to get us, they don't really understand us, they're not trying to understand us. And that story always leads to, if I'm the victim, well then there's got to be a villain. And that's the people that are not seeing it like we are. They are trying to sabotage us. And then the last one usually goes into is the helpless story. Well, we've tried everything anyway. There's nothing we can do, and we're just the innocent victims here. And you'll know that the more that builds into those 3 stories, the more this technique can be activated to hopefully help, which is to take what we're seeing and try to rewrite that story with a better story and looking at Is that story over here true, which we'll get into next? And that's benefit of the doubt at a high level. And so, with this team that was struggling with this, and I've even seen it in myself and my own teams at times when I'm forgetting this technique, is it comes back to this idea, you know, back to biology in some ways, is that way back in like the cavemen, cavewomen days, when there was a, let's say I'm at a campfire, if we had fire, sitting by a bush, and there is, you know, something rustling in that, that bush over there. Now, if you look at all of us as— me as a caveman, I look at that and I think, oh my gosh, saber-toothed tiger. I just run every single time. Just why even risk it? It's like I see some bush rattling a bit, and then I'm like, oh my gosh, that's got to be a tiger. Look at the ruffling of the leaves. I'm getting out of here. And we just keep running. And now 99 or 999 times out of 1,000, no problem. Like it actually wasn't. But that one time that it was, let's say I'm now the guy that's like, oh, you know, let's give benefit of the doubt. What do I know for sure? It's, you know, all I know for sure is there is a bush there. The leaves are moving. There's some wind up and I stay there. Well, that one time the tiger comes and gets me and eats me. Hmm. My whole lineage is gone. Like, I'm the calm, somewhat calculated, self-reflective one. But back in the day, that didn't last very long. Like, I was gone. If I don't fear, fight, or flight, I'm gone. And so that is what you have to think about, is that's the lineage that survived out of all of us. So we're dealing with a little bit of biology against us here with that initial story and fear that comes with any single event that happens that's an unpreferred reality or we don't love at work Or that's not ideal, is we jump right into that, that old lizard brain, that, that, that fear-based response, and we want to run like it's a saber-toothed tiger. Now, the difference, as many of you know, is most of us in the workplace aren't running from saber-toothed tigers, although some of you would tell me, yes, if you met some of the people I interact with, we are. But we're not. And so, that first response, you have to be intentional with it. You have to notice it. And a lot of ditching the drama is first noticing how our mind works and how it jumps into fear stories, assignments, and motive, and how that creates some chaos moving forward, which we'll get into shortly. And what I mean by chaos moving forward actually is my next point is we're always co-creating in the workplace or in our relationships. And this is when we believe that first story, we don't give benefit of the doubt, we don't assume noble intent. It's usually a negative story, fear-based story. Yeah. It then changes our feelings and then our behaviors towards what's going on. And this is called co-creation. And a simple example I like to give is let's say someone walked by me and didn't say hello. Say it's someone I knew. Now, that happens all the time, not always with someone you know, but every once in a while, you know, in your neighborhood or wherever you live. And so, if I am reality-based, if I am assuming noble intent, I just go, you know, look, walk by, seen, no hello, noticed. I just conserve my energy, go on and add value here, maybe give benefit of the doubt that, you know, they were deep in prayer for peace on earth, or they were prepping for a presentation that they're nervous about. So they were going through the intro and some of their slides and getting ready for some of their rebuttals. And so they're just getting locked in for a great presentation. They just missed me in the hallway. See, that's benefit of the doubt. But if I am not giving benefit of the doubt, which is where most of us go if we're not intentional with drama, is we think, oh my gosh, that person, since they got promoted, they think they're all that and a bag of chips. And they don't think they have to talk to little people anymore. And they think they're better than me. And they got that status, you know, and a few of those credentials behind their names. So they don't think they have to even interact with us anymore. Can't even give us a wave. Now, the moment I believe all of that without benefit of the doubt, It then changes how I feel and it changes how I interact. I might go tell others that this person's now like this. I might, next time I see them, I treat them rudely. I avoid them. They say hi to me next time, but I got to prove that they didn't, so I don't wave either. And now we've created a vicious cycle. But how you can interrupt this in the same event— walk by, no hello noted. If I keep benefit of the doubt, some of those things I mentioned before, that they are, you know, deep in prayer for peace and, you know, awesomeness in the world, or they are prepping for a presentation. Well, then I go up to them and say, oh my gosh, like, I love your energy. How can I get involved in some of those good vibes towards helping others? And I love how focused you are on your work. And, you know, I noticed you might have missed me later, but I want to see how you're doing. Can I be in your sphere because you are just so locked in right now? And they're like, oh my gosh, I'm so glad that you said that. Like, I'm glad that you don't judge character because you missed me. And I'm like, well, you know, I, I don't. And you're like, well, you're a good judge of character. And I'm like, because I don't judge character. And all of a sudden we have a great conversation. But the key is it was the same walk by without a hello. I just gave benefit of the doubt in one case and not the other. So that person didn't even need to change and I was able to change everything. With benefit of the doubt. Now, I hope, you know, listeners, watchers here, you can see how this subtle shift can start to add up in the workplace and change how you reenter a situation that's not going well or it's off track. You become the one that puts a new energy out there, a new stake in the ground. And one thing I want to look at is the shadow side of this. And that's with any leadership philosophy, any technique, there's always an edge case shadow to watch for. Yeah. And with this, it's like we're not trying to deny reality. We're not trying to gaslight. We're just looking at actually the mechanics of our story because as the story goes negative, if we go into what do we know for sure, like sometimes I like to write my whole story out. And many of you that have been following a long time know this is our edit your story technique when you're stressed or you're really frustrated or you're noticing things that are annoying you in the workplace. You just take 5 minutes to write out the whole story in your head, and then you cross out what you can't know to be true. You're not denying it. The feelings will stay, but you get down to like, what are the facts? And just like someone walked by me, didn't say hello, I can't know for sure she thinks she's all that and a bag of chips. I can't know for sure she thinks she doesn't have to talk to little people anymore. Those start to be crossed out, and I'm just left with like 3 or 4 facts. And because of that mechanism, that way the mind works, and that edit your story, if you do enough of them, You'll notice the pattern. So, benefit of the doubt, the actual real way to do it, not conceptual, but touch it to earth, is I take that story and I cross it out. And I like to be neutral. This is reality-based leadership, which is neutral to the facts, and then I operate from there. But if I'm struggling with that, I need to encourage myself and my team to create a positive untrue story about the situation. Yeah. Now, notice I said positive untrue story about the situation because I already created a negative untrue story. And I often ask groups I work with in my keynotes and workshops, which one would you rather have people operating from? A negative untrue story, which leads to more negativity, or a positive untrue story, which doesn't always guarantee a better experience, but it helps us try and change the interaction moving forward to the better. I'll take the positive one in that co-creation cycle. And this is the key when you look at the stories. And so, I create that positive untrue story that is about benefit of the doubt. Simple example, if someone didn't give me the information I needed and it made me late for a deadline, I often use the benefit of the doubt positive untrue story instead of saying they're trying to sabotage my career, they're an absolute nightmare, they don't want me to get promoted so I look bad in front of the higher-ups. There's not benefit of the doubt. With benefit of the doubt, I say, you know what? This person has known we're working on resilience in some of my development and getting connected with my colleagues and getting better at not doing everything myself. So, they're trying to set up a chance for me to connect with my colleagues, ask for help, use some of my resiliency boards and my network that I've been creating to figure out this without them. And when I lead with that, I go up to them and say, thank you for that test of my resilience. I was able to make it happen. But can we talk a little bit how we're able to hit the deadline moving forward? And that might change the whole interaction. Big stuff when it comes to benefit of the doubt. And so, to finish with this idea, I want you just reflecting on where your teams with— it might just be one person, a certain group, one part of what they do. Have gotten into a pattern of no noble intent, benefit of the doubt with a group they're working with. That's the thing to think about where could we create a positive untrue story, reengage with that group, and try and start a new conversation. And that would be the call from this podcast. Now, to finish, I want to draw up at least for the viewers here on what is really happening with a simple reality-based model with all of this to show the final piece here because I call it event cycle, event, thinking, feeling, action, result. And I know those that are listening won't be able to see this, but when it comes to benefit of the doubt, it looks like this for those that are watching. Just put it up here. You see event leads to our thinking, which leads to how we feel, which leads to those actions, which leads to the results. And you could see we start at the event, somebody walks by and doesn't say hello, and we get to a result. And there's a lot of steps in there as part of co-creation. And so, a lot of people, when they get into that thinking, I'll circle it here, that's that story, that's the saber-toothed tiger. They almost go— I'll go one side here is the negative story. And that's the spiral because then once we're spiraling in the negative, then we feel bad, we're frustrated, we're angry, we're trying to get revenge basically. Which then we take an action that we're probably not going to love, which leads to a poor result, and the relationship gets worse. Where at the same side, if you catch this, and it'll feel like stress, the benefit of the doubt is this positive untrue story, assuming noble intent. Again, I like the facts. I'm not talking about toxic positivity. Again, I'm not talking about denying reality. But now, we get into, from that positive untrue story, I have a different feeling. And it leads to a better action. And I try and connect and turn towards that person instead of the other side, which leads ultimately to a better result. Now, this is one example throughout the day. I want you to think about how many times this process is happening with or without benefit of the doubt. And the more you can stack up catching this— and again, it's the human condition. The human condition, it takes practice, will move us into the negative. Catch it. Call timeouts, yourself and others. Give benefit of the doubt. Look at that story. Get it down to the facts. If you're struggling to get down to the facts, create a positive untrue story and then take action from there. And so, hopefully, this thought cycle visual, you can even draw it up for people. This is a way I coach sometimes when someone comes to me feeling really frustrated with someone. Notice how they're coming at the feeling. Most people are like, well, take action. That'll get rid of your stress, your anxiety, your overwhelm. But I often say, before we take action, let's look at our thinking. What do we know for sure? Are we assuming noble intent? And from there, that comes with a more neutral feeling or a better feeling, which leads to next right action instead of next wrong action. And next wrong action, next wrong action, which leads to better results. And so, just wanted to break this down, go from conceptual down to what's really happening moment to moment. When we're not giving benefit of the doubt. And so, reflection for the teams, and hopefully you're passing this along to your teams to have conversations about this, is I already mentioned it. Where's a place that we could lend a better story? Pass along some benefit of the doubt, and then stop judging and start helping and try and connect with that person, department, or group to start a different conversation more towards how we could. That's today. Benefit the doubt. Thank you so much for listening. I hope this got you thinking and intrigued about a simple shift that helped this group that you can use as well. If you're loving this podcast, please give it a review. Those five-star reviews with a with a comment or a written review helps so much. And most importantly, the most helpful thing is to share this with your colleagues. Have a conversation. So many people always ask me like, what is free sustainability? What's a free training? This podcast is a great way to for those that listen. Those that watch, we got it on YouTube, and we got it on any podcast platform that you love. So thank you so much for all you do out there. Keep leaning in and loving your people up, holding those relationships, and building those relationships. But remember, our job as reality-based leaders is to call people up to greatness, show that we believe they're capable, find that next place that they can evolve, and issue the call to greatness. I look forward to seeing you on the next episode.