121: How We Could Book Series Part 1: Love People Up - Sharing Favorite Insights and Quotes from My New Book

Have you ever had that perfect leadership moment where you know that that new leadership tool or technique is going to free someone up and get past their barrier, and then it fell flat? Well, this episode talks about why that probably happened. Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of the Reality Based Leadership Podcast. I'm Alex Stohr, CEO at Reality Based Leadership, and we are 2 weeks from the launch of How We Could, my new book that's all about the framework to lead without drama, build alignment in your teams, and call those you lead to greatness. 2 weeks. I can't believe it. I'm freaking out. We just had the official books come in. That's why I have this. I did an unboxing on social media and I was literally shaking as I finally see all of the creation and the design and the work that I've been trying to put into this book over the last 3 years. Has now come together and I have it here in the flesh. And it's been so fun to start posting on social media. We got our advanced reader copies out for those that are certified in our work and have been supporting us a long time. And so they're reading the book for the first time. They're experiencing some of the new work and the tools. And there's just a lot of buzz that is really rewarding because of the impact that people are saying it's already having on how they're going to lead their teams moving forward in these really challenging and disruptive and different times. And so with all of that being said, this podcast, I really wanted to take some time before the launch to do a 3-part series because the book is divided into 3 parts. And I thought that'd be really fun to go through. And I had just recorded my audiobook. And as I was doing the audiobook, I had obviously written the book and then certain chapters, you, they don't need as much work. So you put them aside. And so you don't look at them for a while because they're done. And then as I went back through the audiobook or practiced to get ready for the audiobook, there was times I was reading a paragraph and I'm like, like highlighting. I'm like, man, that's going to be so good. Or man, I just had 3 clients last week talk about this exact problem they're having as they go through this restructure or this change or this tech modernization. And so feeling those quotes, I'm like, I want to share those. Like, I want to go through and for the audience here, my listeners and viewers, like, share some of the things that stand out to me. And this might be different than others that have read it, but I want to share those quotes that really I think are important. And then I'm just going to let the podcast flow to why I feel like that's a, it's a relevant quote. And then what really sparked all of this besides that experience with the audiobook is I had someone that's been certified, which means they have the credentials to train our material and our programs with our workbooks in their organization. Which, by the way, if you're interested in that, or you'd love to get certified to deliver reality-based leadership in your organization. We have another event November 12th and 13th in Dallas, and it's one of my favorite events of the year. So let's, let's get you certified. But this individual, she, she reached out after one of our quarterly calls and said, hey, I have to tell you something. Like, what's going on? And she said, we just had this massive, like, surprising leader that, that transitioned out. And for our team, we were a little bit just taken aback and everyone was kind of you know, rattled, and it was a big restructuring. There's this whole new vision, and it was basically, you know, came out of nowhere. And they had 9 days before this leadership event where she was going to facilitate a session or a workshop. And they were even thinking, because it was such a surprise, that they were going to just cancel the event and just let everything, the dust settle, and let everyone kind of process and absorb and really take in what all this change was that was really rapid. And I'm like, okay, like, I'm so sorry to hear that, you know, you know, how can I help? She goes, well, what I want to tell you is because I had just read your book about a month ago as part of the advanced reader, it didn't hit me the same way. And then I thought, this is a moment for leadership. It's an unpreferred reality. They're offering to cancel it. And I just went in there and said, no, let's have a, a working session where we help people work through this unpreferred reality and determine what's next right action. And it really was where she said, I didn't call it the 5 steps to the framework in your book, but I made it a PowerPoint that went through the 5 steps but went through the process in my own way. And I grabbed some quotes that I really loved and kind of put those on the slides and just put it together as an experience to support everyone that was a little bit rattled. And I'm like, Okay. You know, and how did it go? And she said, I couldn't believe it went phenomenal. Like, like people felt supported, they felt listened to, they felt empowered because it got them into the space for impact. You know, I'm getting goosebumps just saying it, but this really was one of those moments where in a really tough, tough, tough moment, it shows the framework working out in real time and someone else facilitating it with their teams, fairly new and fairly messily. And it was that helpful. And some of the things she said was, and we're going to get into it, and that's what I want to cover in part 1, is the whole mantra of the framework is loving people up and then calling people up to greatness. And one of the things that I wrote about in this book is so much of reality-based leadership that you all love and all listeners love is how much it is that succeed in spite of your circumstances and call people up to greatness and no venting and let's get into next right action. And are you impacting or are you letting it go? Like, we have really, really effective effective and practical and tools in the toughest of moments, in the toughest of industries to get into that next right action, that call to greatness. But at times, it can be misused without that love part, that I see you struggling, that empathy, that true empathy before I get into all the good stuff of RBL. So, what she said was the most powerful thing, that as I've set up that process with everyone there, all the leaders, We intentionally put a moment to validate their experience that this was surprising. This was maybe, you know, something you didn't expect. There's a lot of us feeling many different things. We're really, you know, this is a friend that is transitioning off the team, you know, all that stuff. And she just allowed that space to validate people's experience and let them feel their feelings before going into what's next right action and what's accountability and how can we succeed anyway. And what I love that she said is, it didn't take as long as I thought for people to move from validating the frustration into hopefulness about what we can do about it with our choices and the agency that we have. And that is, is so powerful because as I get into part 1 here, this really sets the stage for why I wanted to do this, is I was inspired by her approach and her courage, and then how just Even if it was messy, walking through the 5 steps of the framework in how we could, it helped. At the end, her final piece of feedback was the action plan for what our team with our space and our choices and our decision-making, what we can do to make this successful and respond to this change was so rich, so practical. People felt empowered and light after the session. And I just don't know what else leaders are asking for right now besides this way to absorb really hard change and disruption with love and hold space for people as they feel their feelings, psychological safety, and then not colluding with them and leaving them believing they're the innocent victims and having a really tried and true path that leads to calls to greatness, next right action, true empathy. And given that, what can we do about this? That empowerment there, it just for me is exactly what every one of my calls, every one of my sessions, every one of my keynotes, it's like the missing piece that people are, they're grasping for, but the tools aren't there. Like either the things they're given either enable or they sympathize or they leave people believing they're the victims and we don't have enough resources and staff and the circumstances are insurmountable. And, you know, once things change, we'll finally get results and Evolve and modernize. It's all once external things change, then we'll impact it. Instead of, as all of you know, RBL, that turns us in and says, given our unpreferred reality, let's name it. It's unpreferred. I want to validate it's not great with this is, you know, not ideal, but let's get together, find our space for impact, take accountability for our part, and then figure out our role and next right action. It's beautiful. And, and so with that being said, that it really is. Getting at what is part one of the book, and so as I as I mentioned in this three-part series, just going to the table of contents here in the book is part one's loving people up. Part two's called calling people up, and then part three is about answering the call. Love people up, call people up, answer the call. So that's the series, and and this podcast episode is is part one. And and so as I flip through here, I mean I'll get past the intro. Tons of good stuff there. Really, it sets the stage for where we've come with reality-based leadership, where No Ego left us, if some of you love the book No Ego, and then where do we need to go next to take reality-based leadership to the next level and what are some of the keys there. And to kick it off, the thing I highlighted here is leaders don't get permission to call someone up to greatness with the tools in this book if they haven't loved that individual up first. You have no right to call someone up to greatness or coach them beyond where they're stuck if you haven't loved them up first. You haven't built that relationship, gotten to know them, or at the very least beyond that, when they come to you frustrated, validating that, yes, this is a frustrating moment. I see why you're annoyed. I see why that's upsetting. It can be one sentence, but that validating your experience It's that human connection. It's that feeling, that feeling and validating that this is not ideal without colluding. And that's what this first chapter is all about, is being able to do that. And I already mentioned that so many reality-based leaders, if they have trouble every once in a while with using our philosophy, our tools, our techniques, it's they jump too fast to the call to greatness and they miss this loving people up first. I often joke that we've assumed And you would think that that makes sense to assume that you've already built relationships and you love your people. So we assume that's done. That's, that's the, you know, table stakes for being a manager or a leader. So we figured that was all done. So now let's just give you all the tools to call people to greatness. But what we've realized is not everybody has done that. They just come in and they say, here's how it's going to be around here and here's the new rules and here's how we're going to call people up without getting to know their teams and really settling in. And so that was, that was that piece. And so as we get into loving people up, the first chapter is all about how do you do this? Step 1, how do you validate someone's experience or feelings without leaving them believing they're the victim or colluding with them, or what I call sympathizing? And so some of the quotes that stand out here is, I know this is a bold one, in leadership, nobody comes to you for sympathy. What they crave is empathy, and at the appropriate time, a call to greatness. And, and I clarify, empathy allows you to validate someone's experience while also fostering accountability and agency for the choices that could improve the situation. See how it's the, I see you struggling and there's choices available to you to impact this differently, to set boundaries, to, you know, let it go, to You know, change your approach. Sympathy starts on a similar path of validating someone's experience and feelings, but leaves the person struggling, believing they are the innocent victim and at the mercy of their circumstances. See the difference? They start the same. One's got that call to greatness. One doesn't. Why it's so important is that difference is I still see most leaders struggle with the difference between empathy and sympathy. And what they say is, if I use some of these techniques and tools with my team, They're going to think that I don't care, or I'm not loving, or I'm not, you know, there for them. And I often say, when you miss the tools and don't do this, you leave them believing they're the innocent victims. That actually shows you don't care. It's not real empathy. And as I'm searching through here, another quote that really stood out to me is, sympathy does create connection. It does. And bonding, but not in the way that is healthy, helpful, or productive in the long term. And this is what makes it so enticing for leaders to sympathize despite the destruction and havoc it causes. And it's missing that call to greatness. And here's probably the biggest thing, because it's a framework in the book and balancing that framework that's so helpful. We need a guide for us. It's something new. So what are the steps that I need to be thinking about to best coach through this and adjust my approach? But you want to watch for the rigidity. You want to watch where it feels robotic. Yeah. because that'll keep it from feeling caring and feeling like you're actually trying to help. And so this was the big quote here. When leaders skip the human work and jump straight to the framework, even the most effective leadership approach in the world applied without authentic connection can become a form of elegant manipulation. Now, let me say that again. When leaders skip the human work and jump straight to the framework, even the most effective leadership approach in the world applied without authentic connection can become a form of elegant manipulation. Now, this brings up so much for me because with our tools, if it's just used in a way to get what I want, or it's I just want to get this experience over with, or I just want the drama to stop, it probably is missing that authentic connection. And all leadership philosophies— I even remember Brené Brown's stuff, which I love, on empathy. I started to hear at conferences that that was getting weaponized and used for evil. Such good stuff on empathy and being an empathetic leader was getting used for, for bad things. And so even that, you know, easy of a concept as being empathetic was getting weaponized. So same thing can happen with the Call to Greatness framework if we're not intentional in applying it authentically. And I think about this a lot right now, some of us that are implementing AI and You know, I've had a few clients that basically they use Copilot to have an RBL coach with them in their own way. They've designed this themselves along the way. And they, you know, with the 5-step framework, you can basically say, here's my problem, put in the whole story, give me next right action at the end of it. But without that authentic human experience, it'll shoot out, here's 3 things you could do to add value in the situation, but you won't feel your feelings. You won't feel the frustration, what else it might be bringing up for you. You won't clean up your thinking and experience like a thought, judgment, or story you were believing about my coworker being an idiot that never gets anything done and doesn't care about anything. When I do the tool for cleanup thinking, that step, I feel as I cross out that judgment that I've been holding that story about them for 3 months and it wasn't true. Like, I just believe that story and that affects how I've treated them for 3 months. I don't feel that crazy experience of stopping believing everything I think. That's transformative. That is powerful. That's human. But if you just put it into the AI or the framework, it just shoots out next right action. You miss that in step 2. The next thing is seeing your part in the problem. Step 3, I— if I don't actually reflect and see What am I doing, not doing, helping, hindering? I'm missing that experience in my body and in, you know, in, in my human experience. It's just the framework with AI shooting it out. And all these steps, my point is you can shoot it through a machine or a— you can be rigid with it, but you're missing the human connection piece and feeling it yourself. It can backfire. It's not really loving yourself or others up. With this first step of the framework. The next thing that really stood out to me here that I got highlighted is the keys to validating the experience for someone. Your job is to act as the initial soft place to absorb the frustration and then to help point to the choices available to help in any given reality. It was sitting with me a lot in this book is leaders are that soft place to land where there's no drama or unpreferred reality that's not welcome. Now you have to do a lot of your own personal work and understand the framework to know that when drama comes your way, no matter how big it is, it really is just a few goes through the 5-step framework and you'll get to next right action on what we can do about it, even if it's a really hard action step or choice ahead. So you can trust in the framework. You have that anchor, that backbone, that core that it doesn't matter what comes your way. You know you can help because you have the framework. And so you're that soft place to land where anyone can trust and bring something to you because you're not going to judge. You're going to validate the experience, and then you're going to go through the 4 additional steps after that. And we're both going to be shot out at next right action until we move forward and experience a different unpreferred reality or a new unpreferred reality. So, you're that soft place to land. I was thinking about that a ton with this chapter, is that's the role of leaders, at least at step 1, is that place where drama can land, and then knowing we're going to have an intentional way to clean it up. And I find that the real stress comes when people come to their leaders and they don't have a set framework. They don't have a method to their madness about how to move through something. And they just tell or fix or, you know, they have the answer for the other person. But then the other person's like, where did you get that answer? How do you get there? What— how do you think through these things? You're not transferring your approach and knowledge over to someone. So, it's really stressful. I have to then only come to you to get what I need. So, I'm overly dependent on you, and this creates a bad dynamic, codependency. And so, this is where that soft place to land is really the spirit of this. I also loved this as a similar quote, but it says it a little bit clearer, I believe, is a leader's aim shouldn't be to keep people feeling safe and comfortable where they are currently stuck. It's to create a space safe enough to offer the invitation down the path. of growing beyond it. And that really is loving people up, is creating that space safe enough. But I'm not going to keep you stuck. That's sympathy, is I don't know how much time it's going to take. It takes a little bit of a read, and we'll get into that. But I'm creating a space safe enough that you can trust my consistency, that then I'm going to invite you. I can't push you. I can't force you. I can't talk you into it. Then I invite you to— here's a path forward. Here's a different way to look at it. Here's a thought we haven't questioned in a while. And this is really that relief is here's how we grow beyond this. And that, I just, I will die on this hill that that is what people really want from their leaders. Not the answers, not an easier, you know, go at it. They really want that coaching, that support, and that call to greatness in an intentional way. The next couple of sections are fascinating for me because they're about the pitfalls of validating an experience is just when you're staying on the validation too long and people are avoiding. Given that, what can we do about it? What would great look like? You know, it's important to size up the problem and have people feel their feelings. And we talk about why that's frustrating. But you'll start to notice we all can feel that this time where it's like we're hanging on it too long. Let's like, what are we going to do about it? We are, we are in our organisation. We're asked to get results. We got to deliver return on investment. Like we have people that need our care, our, our services, our products. So now how are we going to move forward? And so it talks a little bit I love this quote. Simple. We all know it, but we forget it sometimes. Every time you rush in to fix a situation instead of calling someone to greatness, coaching, getting them reflecting, you rob someone of their chance to evolve. The irony of this fixing reflex and heroic leadership, where I'm the hero because I saved the day, is that it creates more helpless teams. And so many leaders I still see rely on their technical skills and jumping in to fix, and they give the answer. And then they get frustrated that their team's helpless or can't get anything done. And so, this becomes a vicious cycle. And now, one of my favorite questions here was for this chapter is, when is enough validation enough? And I have a lot of reality-based leaders, and I can be this way as well, being so deep in reality-based leadership, is I just want to get to the tool. I want to get to next right action, problem solving. Like, let's make something happen here. So, One of the questions is, okay, when's enough validation of someone's experience or feelings enough so we can get on with it, basically? And what I wrote here is a leader once interrupted me mid-session and jokingly asked, Alex— I think it was an engineer, by the way, but I'm not judging you, my engineers. They said, Alex, we get it, we get it. Can we just settle this? Is it 38 seconds of validating and listening to feelings? 2 minutes and 17 seconds? 5 minutes and 49 seconds? I need the exact threshold where I'm allowed to move past this feeling stuff and into solving the problem. And this is the big insight, and I wish it was more clear, but I can't give a silver bullet answer, is if your heart and mind are open and you sense you're connected to those involved in this problem, you're most likely close to the bullseye. Like, I cannot give you the exact timing and answer. The length of validation isn't about scripting perfection. It's about authenticity. One genuine sentence, a reassuring breath with eye contact, or a connected moment of silence that acknowledges reality while not closing out possibilities for how we could is worth more than an hour of commiserating. And this is really fueled by— I was taught from a mentor of mine. I love her stuff. Her name's Byron Katie. But at her workshop, you really work through limiting beliefs and things that are causing you suffering and stress. And people would share like these really challenging things they're going through, really like life unraveling things. And they would share it to set up her worksheet that she does to help them work through some of the thoughts and the stress around the situation. And they would share like, she's like, give me the situation. It was like this horrible stuff that like, I'm like this in the audience. Like, I can't believe this is such a stressful thing to hear. And she'd just be taking it in. She'd be like, Yes, honey. Okay, let's do, let's do your first part of your worksheet. And no one in the audience, 200 people, was like, oh, that was uncaring. Oh, she didn't, she didn't give him time. She didn't feel that and empathize with that. It was just this breath. And sometimes she would say, yes, honey. And I think that's so interesting because so much of, you know, empathy can take 10 minutes, 30 minutes, a week. a month, you know, it's like, we got to empathize, we got to really, you know, settle in and hear people out and all that. And I get some of that, but I think the delta is good for us to push on as reality-based leaders and get skillful at truly connecting. Feel— you might not have been in the same situation as that person, what they're going through, the disappointment, the frustration, the fear, but you felt elements of that in your whole experience from, you know, childhood to Whether you're late in your career, you know, retired, you know, any of that is— I can feel elements of fear, disappointment. So I can tap into that and say, you know, I can see why that's frustrating. That's tough. And then it doesn't have to be rigid, but eventually we'll get into the next step, which we'll talk about in the next part of the segment of the podcast. But that is the idea. So I love that. That clarification that it's— you're never going to get the answer for how long is enough validation. It is a feel thing. Another thing I wanted to clarify from an experience in the book is a quote here. The key is recognizing that this framework, like any leadership approach, operates on a spectrum. Most workplace challenges, project setbacks, interpersonal conflicts, process frustrations are sufficiently addressed with what I call a touch-and-go approach, which is a quick Path through the 5 steps of the framework. It might be a 5-minute interaction, 10-minute interaction. And I had someone that we were going through these steps, kind of early days of building out this content, and it happened to be a respiratory therapy group. And we were going through like some of the coaching questions, calls to greatness, and they stopped the session a couple hours in and go, so you're telling me that if I have a nurse of mine that loses a patient and the family's really, you you know, very, very, you know, broken about it. And I'm just supposed to go in there as a leader and be like, what would great look like, Molly? And, and she's going to answer the call to greatness. And, and I just called a timeout with everyone there and I said, let's back up. Do you think that's a moment for more loving people up, or is it time with discernment for that call to greatness? And to her credit, she just smiled and said, I think you're talking more love there. And I go, exactly that, where it It is situational. There's discernment. And that led to this next sentence, which is, but we can't let the existence of rare or outlier cases, or I called them rare profound moments, invalidate a framework that serves us all well in most daily leadership interactions in many high-impact situations. And the ego does that so much. It's like, oh, that would work on 98% of the situations that I'm enabling drama right now, and it's leading to 2.5 hours a day of of just chaos. But what about this one thing that happened 12 years ago that ended up in a million-dollar lawsuit with 3 court cases? Would it have worked for that? And the answer, honestly, between you and I was yes. But they're trying to use that edge case that never happens, one in a million, to then invalidate trying any of this. And so that's the idea of loving people up in this first step and a little bit about the framework. The last few quotes that, you know, I just got highlighting a lot here. I don't know if you could see this, but it just, You know, felt like it was flow state for— I think it's because a lot of my initial people experiencing the book are talking about how this fits into those nuance, maybe things they hadn't had answered with the philosophy over the years, 25 years of doing this. It fills in those final gaps. What I finished with is it's important to keep in mind that someone may never feel they're fully ready for a call to greatness because the self-reflection involved often creates moments of discomfort. While you do have an enormous responsibility of trying to meet people where they're at, I know we've all heard that, like, meet someone where they're at. Waiting for someone to be ready for evolving beyond their limiting belief is often enabling their resistance to reality. And again, that's going to be a feel thing as well, but I want to push on that respectfully. If we wait for someone to be ready, they might never be ready. And the reality is, if the call to greatness is in front of them, like your circumstances are your assignment, I would argue they are ready. They just need that person to Grab them and say, I see greatness in you. Let's rethink how your limiting beliefs around that. Let's look at some of the stories around that. Let's find your part in it so you can break that cycle of just blaming others. All of that's right there. They just need someone to see greatness in them. And that can be you. That can be us. That can be colleagues. And then last 4 heavy hitters here. And that's the end of the chapter. And I hope you've enjoyed this. It's been kind of fun for me and just riffing on why some of these quotes are in there and what it means. But while every frustration your team encounters may not need intervention, Every frustration does have a call to greatness embedded in it. Now, that's my firm belief is that every feeling of drama, not flow state, unpreferred reality, disruption to your day, you'll see it all over once you read this book. Like, every single moment there's a leadership opportunity. That doesn't mean you have to intervene in all of them. You only have so much time, energy, you got your work to do. But just know it's there. And no good news about the design is if you miss one opportunity to coach someone beyond that step of where they're stuck, it'll come back around. Like, once people are stuck, they're stuck till they grow beyond it. And so, the call to greatness is immovable. I love the word immovable. It's always there. There's kind of 2 worlds. It's like the world beyond drama and in drama. And you can, with this framework, pop in and out of it, and that gives you peace. But you might not be able to get to everything. Like, there's only a certain amount of time in the day. But know that every day it's there for you and for others, which I think is weirdly peaceful. But I wrote, a general rule of thumb is that people often won't engage with your solutions until they feel fully seen in their struggle. I'd even admit that I haven't always been great at that because I was so excited for the possibilities if they just would accept the invitation to one of our tools to see next right action and get to that innovative idea that I maybe didn't show that I'd fully seen and held space for the struggle. So, I think that's That's a really big thing that all of us as reality-based leaders can add to our spirit. And it, you know, it can change our worlds. It can change all the groups that you influence. I know a lot of you influence so many people doing great work out there. And then the last thing I said here is the most profound way to validate someone's experience isn't to agree with their interpretations of the situation, especially if it's causing suffering and drama. It's to believe so deeply in their capacity to transcend it that they begin to believe it too. And that comes from us absorbing and being in that safe space, from having a consistent framework where we love people up and then get to the call to greatness at the appropriate time. That's that transcend piece, and that's showing our belief in them because we know that if they're willing to go through the framework, they will get beyond where they're stuck. And I just think all of this, the word that comes to mind is, is hope. So, uh, that ends Part 1 of what stood out to me in the first part of The Call to Greatness. And so I'd love to hear your takeaways and what stood out to you. And again, shameless plug here, if you haven't preordered, I know so many of you have and I'm floored, like beyond grateful at how many have said, no, we're getting 75 for our team, we're getting 750, we're getting 300 for our next event. We want 400 now. We're going to save that and do an event next year, but we want you to hold them till then. All of this is doable in the last 2 weeks as we get into pre-orders and we're chasing that bestseller and just trying to get as many of these books out there with our discussion guides. We have all new resources. There's a bonus chapter, tons of cool things going on. So, I'll put the link to pre-order. I would really appreciate that. It'd be amazing. And, I think it's a great way to revive RBL in your teams. It's a way to start RBL in your teams because of those discussion guides. And, it really is A book that will fill in those interferences that a lot of us are going through and our teams are struggling to shift and respond to, whether it's change, lacking accountability, not aligning with some of your new strategies, some of your new executive teams, some of your new change that you're implementing. It's all there for you in a simple way. And so that's the end of part 1. We'll see you shortly on part 2 as we go into calling people up in the book. Thank you so much. I'll see you on the next one.