115: What Would Great Look Like? One Question to Stop Drama in 10 Seconds or Less

So, you're looking for the one coaching question that will move someone beyond drama in 5 seconds or less? Well, you're in the right place. Welcome back to another episode of the Reality Based Leadership Podcast. I'm your host, Alex Storer, CEO of Reality Based Leadership, and so excited you're joining us because on this podcast, This is where we learn how to lead without drama, build alignment in our teams, and call those that you lead to greatness. And so, every single episode, we are looking at interferences, challenges, places where teams get into drama consciously or unconsciously, and then what you can do as a leader to be able to move beyond it, to coach beyond it, to get results even within the typical drama that comes into a workplace. And we don't have to be the victim of our circumstances. We can look at the challenges or the things that are affecting our organizations, our businesses, and we can adjust our approach and lead differently. And it's all right now about evolution, and this podcast is no different. And so, I promised you the question. It's my favorite question that all leaders, especially reality-based leaders, should have in their pocket at their disposal Ready when you need it. And so, what's the question? What would great look like? Or sometimes I ask it, if you were being great right now, what would great look like? Or my favorite way to ask it is, if someone else was being great right now in this situation— I'll agree it's unpreferred, we're not in an ideal situation, this is not great— but if someone else was being great right now, what would great look like? That's the question. So powerful. And I just want to jump in. I think it's easier to go right into a story where this really hit me and I felt this for the first time, make that shift for myself, and then how I really learned to trust it with my team as I coach and train and do keynotes and as I give this to other leaders across the country that are using it with their teams and why it's so powerful. And so, we had years back now, My step into our certification program, which we still have the program. We actually have one coming up here in June. We also do another one in November. And certification is one of my favorite events. And I had just stepped into the lead of it maybe 7, 8 years ago. And that's where people come to learn our material. And then they train the content in their organization. And they have the workbooks and everything to scale. get the tools to all their leaders and teams. And so it really is where people that are one step below, like me and Laura on the team as speakers, that's basically where they're at as far as their understanding of the philosophy. And then they take it back to their organization and we help them implement it and scale it and, and get the information out there. So people are ditching the drama across their entire enterprise. And so this event is big. We had an awesome class coming in. We had done a ton of work to update some of the materials and it was going to be a great group. And all had looked perfect. We had great announcements out there, logistic emails, all was out there. And it was like the day before the event, and all of a sudden, we get a call at the office. And we realized that it's a client. They brought 2 people that has shown up early to the event. They're like, we're at the venue. Where is everybody at? And so, we're kind of like, can you hold for a second? And we immediately, and I immediately go into panic mode. And so, I'm jumping in as kind of the head of this thing. To look at what happened, like what happened in our communication emails. There's been 12 of them. We've been dripping when to get there. All of the dates look good. All of the marketing looks good. The website looks good. So everything's perfect. So what is going on here? And sure enough, I see an invoice and it's from our billing person at the time. And I did not always love his attention to detail and what he had done probably quickly. I noticed the time was super late at night. had put the wrong date on the invoice. And that's what the client used to book their travel and come to the event. Not our 12 marketing emails that we spent so much time on. They're on brand. It was the invoice and the notes in the invoice. And so, I immediately get so frustrated. I do what I call toggle down into low self, kind of go into spiral. And I am going to go find my colleague who's been in the organization for a long time and was my leader at the office in that space that I was in before I was CEO. And so, I storm into her office. I basically kick the door open. She was, thank goodness, not on a call, but getting ready for a call. But I was basically at this point blacked out in the situation. And so I go in there, I go, you know, this is absolutely ridiculous. Like, I'm surrounded by idiots. Like, nobody cares anymore. They don't even know what we do in billing. He has no clue what's going on. This is such a mess. How are we going to clean this up? We got 2 people in here early. There's probably like 14 others flying in. We're going to have to like lose all this cost. Everyone's going to think we're unprofessional. This is an absolute disaster. And it's going to be like a great event just totally ruined. And this was an interesting moment because my colleague, I'll be honest, she tended to be a fixer. We are still a small business. At the time, we were a small business. So it was really like when something like this happens and it's kind of a crisis for us, so to speak, in this moment, not the worst crisis, but it's not great, jumps into fix, like basically gets me out of the way and goes and fix things. Like she's been a fixer. And she really did a few things that blew my mind. So the first thing she did was she said, Alex, let's take a deep breath. Take a deep breath with me. Your brain needs oxygen. My face was super red. Anybody who ever played sports with me, I played a lot of basketball. Like my just cheeks are always rosy red. I got that from my mom. And when I get really fired up or stressed, they're going to get more red. And so she knew that was a telltale sign that I am like out of control. And so take a deep breath. Your brain needs oxygen, which is so evidence-based, so true. And I think I did need that. And so, I played along with her. Now, real quick, what I want to add to this story is we had a pretty good relationship. I think at the time, we'd been together maybe 6 years. And so, she had that core foundational of loving me up relationship. We had built that foundation. So, this technique and this question, what would great look like? You don't use it right away on someone you just met, although it might work, but it helps to have that relationship. Love you up before you call people up. And so I'll get back to my story here. She said, "Take a deep breath. Your brain needs oxygen." And they'll never forget. She goes, "Alex, this is not ideal. I want to validate that this I see why you're frustrated. This is really frustrating. But if someone was being great in this situation, like the best employee you could ever imagine, what would great look like given this situation?" And you could see I felt myself go from like scowling and looking down into up, like reflecting. Like it was almost like the question like popped my chin up like an uppercut, and it toggled me up into high self. And it was like, I remember my ego wanting to say, and I can't remember if I even said it, was like, well, what would great look like? It'd be like we fired this billing person, we never had to work with them again. You know, that's like the ego's version of what would great look like, and it's kind of just more venting. But I finally went into reflecting, and I basically, after a few moments, said, you know what would great look like if someone else was doing it? They'd probably be back on the phone with the client, not over here venting to you because they're still on hold. And they'd be letting them know honestly that we made a mistake. They would be apologizing and they would be figuring out a way that we can make it better. They'd be thinking of ways we could maybe schedule an awesome dinner, get our founder involved at the time who they had a relationship with. We could spoil them with a great dinner in town. We could actually revisit some of the research that had been stalled out. that was going, and then all of a sudden, we, you know, it had slowed down a bit. We could get that back on track, get it back on the timeline, and that would help the business. So we could be thinking about how to talk about that at the dinner without being too pushy. I had 100 things that great would look like. And after I got done talking out what great would look like, my colleague who just sat there in silence looked at me with a smile and a smirk and said, sounds like you already know what great looks like. Why don't you go be great? Meaning, go free, little bird. You already know the answer. And so instead of having her jump in and fix, take the call, do all of this, she did this incredible thing as a leader and stayed back and coached and called me to greatness and then saw if I had it in me to be able to follow my simple instructions I'd already been trained on and was capable of. And so I went back, got on the phone. It probably wasn't perfect. But in my own authentic way, apologized. We actually got the dinner set up. It was amazing. We got our founder to stop by. We got the research caught back up. And they actually were kind of tired from traveling in. And they loved the extra night in their area they were staying. And so all of that interaction took about 5 to 7 minutes. And it was all ROI positive, return on investment positive. And for us, client, Amazing. Now, my question is 5 to 7 minutes ROI positive. My question for you is how long are your typical, hey, do you have a minute meetings, especially when it's a situation like that or similar? We did the research on this. Typical, hey, do you have a minute meetings are, you know, 25 to 40 minutes. Typical topic is hearsay, speculation, things that never happen, things that probably would never happen, people not present. And the typical conclusion is, please don't do anything. I just wanted you to know. So now I feel better. And this is the power of a what would great look like, timed well, really authentic with empathy, because it shifts that situation that's spiraling into our place to contribute and how we can impact the situation. Now, some of you are thinking, but what about billing? Did they get away with it? Like you just over-function, figure everything out and billing gets, you know, gets away with getting, you know, You know, accountability. After that, there's the self-reflection that leads to impact in the moment. And then there's a bit of time for contemplation. And so we got the event done. I was able to simmer down. I did some contemplation, which is looking a little bit more at patterns and how do we typically get into situations like this. And I had gone up to my colleague and said, this always happens to us. Like, billing's always trying to mess up our lives. And it only happened like 1 or 2 times in like 6 or 7 years. And so always becomes a couple of challenges here. And so what I did midterm is I took a look at our process. Where was the communication gap? And was there anything that was my part in the situation? And I found a few things that I could have done differently into the workflow of billing to make sure the error didn't happen. There was some times we had changed the dates in the past, way in the past, and I hadn't updated all the things I could have in our system. And then long-term, it was looking at, is there's something to do differently in our entire workflow. It's more continuous improvement. And so midterm and long-term, I set up a meeting, got clear, and came in neutral instead of righteous and judgy with billing. And we had a great meeting to figure out the challenge moving forward. And so all of that short-term, midterm, long-term was ROI positive. It didn't create us versus them, me versus billing. It helped me to toggle up And get into a better place of helpfulness, not hurting moving forward. And so this is why that question is just probably my favorite coaching question we have. There's many of them. All of them can work. But I want to back up and with that story as our anchor, look at why does that question work so much? Why can it immediately shift drama if done well with someone that happened to be willing, which thank goodness. By the grace of God, I was willing there to be able to toggle up because some people, I call it the light switch on our forehead. If you've never heard of us talk about this at Reality Based Leadership, is we have low self and high self. And when we're in low self, we are just basically unable to see a path forward. We are, the ego's out to play. We're venting. We're really stuck. We are spiraling and we feel like we can't fix everything. So how can I impact anything. So, my only option is to disengage BMW drive, which is bitching, moaning, and whining, and vent. And that's what I was doing. But in the same moment, there's access to toggling up. And I know that concept's a bit cheesy, but it's a great 2 words that you can use on your teams is like, or sometimes just give the motion of light switch up on your forehead. For those that are listening, just toggle up, look at someone that's struggling. You can toggle up. And if you've had this conversation about what that means, it's basically saying, ask yourself, what would great look like? I hear you. It's not ideal. This is not a perfect situation. A few balls have been dropped to this point. But we got a customer right in front of us. And you have a chance to serve and get this experience back on track. What would great look like? If someone else was being great, what would it look like? Let's toggle up. Let's use all of our skills to be able to save this experience. And then midterm and long-term, we'll talk about what got us here and account for that with accountability and great conversation. Later. And so, this high self, getting into your high self is where you're naturally collaborative, you're innovative, you give benefit of the doubt, you really turn towards your colleagues and try and be on the same team. But you can't be in low self and high self at the same time. So, this light switch, this limitation in our brain, it's the brain science. That's what was going on. And that's what I was forgetting in the moment that Sarah, thank goodness, as a colleague, was reminding me of. And so that's what's going on here in the brain is this toggle switch. Now, going deeper into the source of drama, it's the ego. The ego loves venting. It loves blaming other people and circumstances. It loves being the innocent victim, which I could easily step into in that case, which I was doing. And so this coaching question moves us from ego and venting into self-reflection, which is— What would great look like in this moment? What's the next thing we could do to help? What do we know for sure? Like, I'm surrounded by idiots, billing doesn't clear, they're trying to sabotage my event. All I knew for sure is we had an error in the billing, we had 2 clients there that were early, and they were on the phone asking a question. Now, given those facts, what could I do to help? What would great look like? This self-reflection helps us see the problem clearly Helps us get into personal accountability and see our part in how we can contribute. Now we're no longer the victims or the helpless one. And then I can step into impact, which we all crave impact. And that's what— and engagement and getting results. So this question is also like a portal to engagement if you're feeling disengaged. And I think that's a separate podcast, but so much disengagement, the human condition and unpreferred realities at work disengage us momentarily. Yeah. But we shouldn't stay chronically disengaged. So, there might be something that I thought I had answered or done, and I get a question back in my email, and I'm like, seriously, again? Like, I gotta— I already answered this. So, I want to disengage for like 3 or 4 seconds. But then I use that question when I'm feeling stressed, disengaged, like I want to just check out. And I go, okay, deep breath. What would great look like in this moment? Someone had a question. They wanted an additional clarification. What could I do to help? Maybe explain it differently, and I'll go be great. And so just having this question with you, walking with your teams, able to interrupt that pattern, you're not using it as a weapon. You're not using it to call people out. It's just a gentle timeout and return to center. And so that's what the ego— the ego loves to vent. This gets us into self-reflection, which is the portal for accountability, which leads to happiness and results. All beautiful stuff there. And that's why it's so powerful. And that's why it worked here. Now let's look at a few other notes I have here. Leaders often as well, if you are a leader or manager and there's a little bit of a situation that's out of nowhere, or you're, you're really into the helpful part of your, your, your spirit, which we always are. I know this group really is that listens to this podcast. I know you are that listens, is we want to fix. We've came up the ranks as doers and we see someone struggling. We're pretty good at what we do. We've solved other issues like this. We're a firefighter. We love the adrenaline rush of that, some of us. So we jump in and fix. But if my colleague would have done that, it would have left me believing every time there's something that's not normal in my circumstances or a challenge, just to pass it off to her or just to get her involved. And there are some things that, that really needs to be escalated. But there was some action I could take in here. I wasn't fully innocent, or there's something I could do in the short term as she's thinking of other solutions, but I wasn't taking that. So if she would have jumped into fix, took away all of my ability there, it would have created a codependent relationship where moving forward I would probably take that temptation because something's hard. I have the human condition. I'm just going to pass this mess off to her. And she's going to do her magic and firefight and fix it. And so this keeps us, for some of you that are fixers over functioners, from overstepping and not calling your team to greatness and testing their capabilities when these things come up. And if you find yourself always like being the martyr after you've, you know, fixed everything and you're thinking, you know, this place would fall down if it wasn't for me because you're doing this, sometimes you're missing a lot of what would great look like moments that Give you a moment of space to see if the person knows what great looks like before you jump in. And so remember that and try and catch one in the next week or so where you jump in and you could, what would great look like, that coach, so to speak. My favorite thing about that question to ask it if someone else was being great, I see a lot of groups that are spinning into like, what's wrong, why we shouldn't be here, why it won't work, why we can't, you know, why that, that's like a bad situation over there, why it's an issue. And they're just stuck in arguing with reality and just frustrated. I like to— it's third person, like if someone else was being great. So, someone that, you know, just anybody went and handled this and they were just following what we would view as great, what would it look like? So, that takes a person or us out of the situation and makes it kind of third person. And so, then we can see it. And the thing about humans that I find fascinating, and myself included, is we all know what great looks like. It's the standard in which we judge others. You want to know what great looks like? It's what that person's not doing. It's what that department's not doing. It's what operations isn't doing. It's what R&D's not doing. It's what, you know, the field or the office isn't doing. You want to know what great looks like? It's what everyone else isn't doing. Like, we always know what others aren't doing that's not great. But I like to say, with What Would Great Look Like, you see it, now step into it. Go be great yourself. And that helps us depersonalize it and just get clear on what should be happening. And then we formulate it together. And so, here's your takeaway. I think it's our assignment for self-reflection. First of all, share this with your teams. If we're missing what would great look like moments, know that the workplace is designed to get into these unpreferred realities. Like, there is just things that come up. The world's uncertain. There's ambiguity. There is people really juggling a lot of things. And so, it's going to happen. And this question can get us right back on track. And turning towards our colleagues, our other departments, our teams, and even our customers and our clients and our patients to be able to— it's not just take the high road; it is add value in a messy world. And so be thinking about those places where we miss the call to greatness, where you're jumping in to fix, and where you could just put on a sticky note this question close by, or put it, if you're working from home, near your computer. Yeah. Write it on your hand. Keep it in your notebook if you're walking around your office, your area, your hospital. And just pick 1 or 2 times in the next week to ask someone, what would great look like? Now work with your allies, not your toughest case. Work with people that are open to coaching. And I think you'll be surprised how much people already know what great looks like. You just need to call them to it so they can step into it and trust their capabilities. So thank you so much for listening to this podcast. I have a ton of fun doing these. Please send over any topics to our team info@zakariyya.com. @realitybasedleadership.com. And we'll take those topics and put them in the podcast, in the hopper, as they say. And I'm happy to go through topics that you're struggling with out there. If you can review the episode, as always, 5-star reviews go a long way with, with your comments on what you're thinking about these episodes. It really helps others to find the podcast. Thank you for all you do out there. Keep leaning in and loving your teams up. But remember, it's our job as reality-based leaders to call people up To greatness. You got what you need in this episode to do it, and I look forward to hearing how it goes for you. We'll see you on the next one.