Punishment and Getting Angry at Speech Delayed Children | ww.agentsofspeech.com

Yeah, I've been, I've been muted for a long time. I finally realized that I had no sound anyways, so if you cannot hear me, just let me know here. Just let me know here if you can't hear me. And then what I want to talk about is punishment and getting angry at speech delayed children. The reason why I wanted to talk about this is because there's been a few. There's actually a video going around of a therapist in Singapore getting really pissed off at the, at the kid, right? And he's like, just holding, like, just getting like strangling him. Have you. Have. If you've ever seen it, just let me know in the comments so that we can have the same point of discussion. But basically the therapist was very, very angry at the kid, right? Was manhandling the child, you know, pushing and pulling really hard and then slapping sometimes. And, and this is actually quite a normal thing. Normal thing to see, you know, news coming out about, like, therapists hurting children and punishing them as they see fit. You know, they're. They're playing judge and they think that, okay, this thing, this is how I do it. They're at my place, they don't listen to me, I'm going to hit them, right? And so far from my, like, experience as a therapist, I've seen a few times already, like a few times in Hong Kong, in Singapore, this time in Indonesia. I've seen pictures and videos that parents send me as well. And I, I just want to tell you, if you're watching this right now, no matter live or recording on Facebook or YouTube, is that, hey, punishment doesn't work. Punishment really doesn't work. And especially hitting someone, making a child fearful of you doesn't work either. And it doesn't work on human beings either. Okay? So if punishment were to work, right? One of my videos I've made before was about, like speeding tickets and traffic tickets. So if speeding tickets and, you know, and tickets for, you know, crossing the lane and all that stuff would work, we would all be very nice and we would drive nicely, okay. Especially in Indonesia, you know, you wouldn't have a lot of the traffic jams if everyone was just sticking to the rules. So what works though is like in Canada, Richmond, they've been using like a positive ticket system. Meaning like, oh, if, if I see you using the lights, I'll stop you and I'll give you a coupon, you know, for, for movies, for pizza, whatever, right? And they, they've been doing it for their youth, especially those, you know, Those, those kids who skateboard across the street, breaking the traffic rules and sometimes getting into accidents. They've been stopping the teens when they actually get off their skateboards, waiting for the light. And they would give them like a ticket, a coupon per se. And when they start to do this, they actually started to see a decline in youth crime, youth crime rates, and also that they needed to issue less and less negative tickets. Okay, so what this teaches us is that if we're treating our delayed children, no matter if they're on the spectrum, they, they are like adhd, whatever disorder they have, no matter how bad it is, how severe the disorder is, if you treat them like a human being, then you shouldn't punish them. Are there times where we will use punishment? Yes, but I'll get to that in a little bit. So you see that punishment doesn't work. And this is also seen in Norway where people are put into jails that have a normal lifestyle inside. And it tells the people in the jail that, hey, if you, you know, this is the life that you can have, you know, and then once you get out, you can have that kind of life, that sort of life that you don't choose a life of crime. And actually Norway, or I think Scandinavia, meaning like Norway, Denmark and what's that other one called? I always forget that one. Switzerland. No, I forgot. Anyways, in Scandinavia they have really good prison systems, right? And when you treat people like human beings, they like it and they tend to get better. Okay, last example. And I'm gonna talk about what you can do at home. Okay, last example. One more example is on the streets of New York, someone is helping a hairdresser, a high end hairdresser. These are all real stories. You just search on Google, you know, a high end hairdresser helps the homeless to cut their hair. They cut them into like a really nice slick hairstyle. Hairstyle. And actually helps them to build up confidence to get out of homelessness. Okay, so was there any punishment towards homelessness? Yes, of course. They get reminded every day by the society that they're a failure. But someone comes over and cut their hair and rewards them and tells them that they can do it changes their lives. Okay, so the punishment, I'm against it. There are some punishment that will work on a short term, but on a long term basis, nothing much works. Okay, long term punishment never works or is very short term. Okay, so what do you do? I know for a fact that, you know, when kids do stuff, you will get angry, especially as an adult. You know, you Wake up to, like, broken, you know, toilet paper all over the place, you know, money all over the place, maybe even money in the bin, you know, like burned money or whatever. And you just feel angry because you're providing for the family so much. And then your child doesn't even appreciate it. And they don't know how to appreciate it. And that's why it's frustrating. And that's why sometimes we choose to be angry and we first and we release our anger on our child. But the thing is, you have to remember, releasing your anger on the child is something selfish. It's not helping the end goal of getting to them, like, listening and being well behaved and everything, right? So what can you do about it? What can you do about it? So number one is to stop yourself, okay, Catch yourself being angry and then come to terms that whatever you do is not going to work. Okay? And I've tried this many times, actually, because my first job as an ABA therapist, I take care of children. The same kid for three hours a day, okay. And there were times where I got kind of, you know, quite annoyed by the child, but I couldn't do anything about it. Obviously, I'm not going to smack him. Well, there are therapists who smack your child. Yes, smack children. So. But I wasn't going to do it. I wasn't ready to do that. So, you know, I tripped because I was so angry. And then I hit my tailbone, and my tailbone was, like, hurt for a few months because I cracked it, right? Because I felt. And it was all because of me being angry at the kid for not listening to what I'm saying and choosing to do something. I told him not to. But the thing is, he. He was on the spectrum and speech delayed. Okay? And then I realized that, you know, this doesn't work because I'm just going to hurt myself. You know, if I don't hurt him, then, you know, it's very hazardous in a child environment. There's toys on the floor. You know, they spill water on the floor. There's food somewhere. You might slip and fall. You know what I'm saying? If you not careful. And you're like being very. You're being very. You're being very reactive to a situation. You know, it's just sometimes it's like that, okay, so what can you do about it? Yeah. Catch yourself. And then what else you can do is to start thinking about ways to praise your child and reward them whenever they're okay. So praising. I've talked about a lot in A lot of videos that I've been making. So how you do it is just as simple as whenever they do something, don't take it for granted, right? If you tell them to sit down and they really do sit down, don't go. Like, that's a very Chinese thing to do, you know, like, we would take it for granted, and we're like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then what you should do is to say, hey, nice sitting down. Thank you so much for listening. You know, you don't take it for granted because children on the spectrum, they do things by their books, right? They do things by their books, and they don't wish to. They don't want to listen to you per se. Okay? So whenever they do listen to you, you have to praise them. You have to, like, hug them a little bit, do something that makes them happy, okay? So that they know that, oh, when I listen to mom, there's a correlation between it, right? And so. And so this is the rewarding system. All right? So I'm sure you get it. And you might ask me, dude, how about when I really need to punish? How about, like, time out? I've been getting a lot of parents asking me, knowing or not, And I can tell you that timeout works on the short term, short term only. Afterwards, it still is up to you to reward good behavior until it becomes solid. And I see that Lynn, Lena is asking another question here. She asked how to make children understand what he or she is doing wrong or not. Right? Does he or she has to be a certain level of language? Well, the thing is, level of language sometimes doesn't mean that they will understand, right? Some children who have their language level is kind of bad, like, kind of low. But at the same time, they know what's good or bad. You know, when they do something bad, they'll look at you, right? So what can we do? How do we make them understand? Well, obviously, I mean, you must have done it multiple times, Leena. Like social stories, right? And also doing what we call teaching interaction, which I'm gonna do with your child, Lena. But later. Okay, but for them to understand the rationale of something is right or wrong is difficult. Right? So what you need to do in the beginning is to reward all the good behaviors until it becomes a moral code for them to understand. Oh, this I can do. This I cannot do. And why? Because of their rigidity, right? We're just using it to the best of our. We're just using their rigidity to our sake, you know, not to do anything that's outside of that moral code. They don't get rewarded, all right? And that's exactly what we're doing, you know, that's exactly what we're doing for the toilet training. It's very hard to actually describe and explain why your child should, like, you know, take off her pants at a certain place, right? It's very hard to tell her that it's okay to use, like, toilet brands of other. Of other brands other than a certain brand, right? Or like, it's okay to pee inside the toilet, right? We're teaching these things by giving her reward at those times so that she knows that it's right. Okay? We're just hard wiring. We're just hard programming it into the brains. The, the description and the rationale behind it. Someone can actually disagree with it, you know, I'm saying, like, if I tell you that, you know, my rationale of thought is that, hey, you shouldn't. Let me think about it. You shouldn't use the. You shouldn't roll the tissue paper, you know, the toilet roll with the toilet paper hanging from the wall, you know, because it sticks to the wall, whatever. Some people will not agree with my train of logic. And you cannot really tell them what's right or wrong. Like, even us adults, we have a bad time. We have a bad time actually talking to each other and coming to a compromise. Some person will think that something makes more sense. Someone doesn't make. Someone thinks that something doesn't make sense. So if you're trying to put your own mindset onto a child, it's gonna be difficult, especially if they're rigid. It's not really about the certain language level, to be honest. It's about how good are they with accepting what you say to them. Right. I've seen children who are non verbal be very. Like, when they do something bad, they will look at the mom instantly and like, say sorry and like that. And they. It's. And you know that, and you know that they know. So it's at two levels. You know that they know that they've done something bad. Okay? So I hope that answers your question, Lyn. It really depends, okay? It really depends. I really think that most of the time when they don't know what is right or wrong is because of their rigidity towards something, okay? It's very hard for us to convince. Right. Therefore, we're trying. Okay? So let's go back to punishment. Does. Does timeout work? Yeah, of course it does. Timeout is one of the best tools ever to get some to let them know that they did something wrong. Okay. It's just how to say, we're just basically pairing the bad experience with the thing that they did wrong. Right. So once we do that, there's a link. Whenever you tell them to timeout, it means you're giving them a feedback. You're telling them, hey, you did something wrong. And it gives them a sense of, you know, it gives them a sense of, oh, so this is bad. I get it. Right. So it actually acts as a type of feedback to let them know that. Okay, so I can't do this. This is a. No, no, this is okay. And so on. When you pair it with systematically rewarding your child whenever they do something good, then they will know what's good or bad, to be honest, because that's how you react. Right. They learn by your reaction. Okay, so now that we've got that out of the way, how about scolding? How about scolding? Does that ever work? My supervisor, from my master's degree, the first time, she was scolding a kid, and her rationale was. I'm not gonna say her name right. Her rationale was, I just want to shock the kid, you know, just to get his senses back. He's been so bad. I just want to, like, shake his world and make him, like, suddenly like, that. I've seen it work. Yeah, obviously it did work because my supervisor is very experienced, so she did shake her world, you know, like, it's like that. Right. And this only works if you are. Usually you don't scold your child. You know, like, if you keep on scolding your child and you have, like, in Chinese, you know, you're very fierce to your child, and you're kind of like a tiger to them, it becomes a normal for the child. They don't want to listen to you when you're being angry, because you're always angry most of the time. So it doesn't make sense. So scolding only makes sense. Only reserve it for times when it's very dangerous. Right. So, for instance, I've taught a mom to, like, reserve the. No whenever the child runs away, because this kid is super, super naughty. Like, he would take someone's French fries from McDonald's and run away and laugh, you know? And he says, taking his French fries and run out and outside, it's all, like, cars and stuff. So it's pretty dangerous. So when we reserved the very fierce nose for those very situations and make it. Basically, it's like when my cats, they get into A serious situation, I go really loud, and hiss, they will stop. Right. So hopefully that is something that you would remember. All right. Reserve those. Reserve those for really dangerous situations. And, Juliana. No problem. No problem. You're welcome. Yeah. So you need to have, like, let's say that, you know, one of my clients. All I do ever is just to praise and talk nicely to them. And when I become, like, a little bit angry, they are really scared, you know, because the contrast is very, very big. Right. Whereas the dad, whenever he's, like, shouting at the kid, he don't care. The kid doesn't care. But when I. Or the mom, because my mom's been working with me a long time, when we get angry, slightly annoyed at the child, and we want him, and we know that he did something, and we just go, like. We just. Basically, we don't even talk, and we look at him without, like, any smile. Like, very neutral. I would say, come here. Like that. He's already, like, putting his head down, you know? So you have to have a big contrast. Okay. Do not be so fierce all the time. Doesn't work. Same as when I was talking about in another video. You know, when. When you keep on calling your kid his. His or her name, like, 100 times, it's not gonna work because it's the normal. No matter what they were doing, you were still taught. You were still saying their name over and over. Right? Let's say your child's name is, like, a very common name here called. What's that called? Enzo. Yeah. Enzo. A very common name in Indonesia nowadays is Enzo. Let's say you keep on saying Enzo. Enzo. Enzo. Enzo. Enzo. Come on. Enzo. Enzo. Enzo. Enzo. Enzo. Enzo. Enzo. It doesn't work because it just keeps on repeating for no reason. And the same is happening to my cats. So if my girlfriend is calling for my cats, they don't care. But if I call them, they mail back at me. Obviously, I'm not going to show off here, because they're all sleeping. But what I wanted to say was you have to keep your normal. Your normal way of speaking as a way of reward. Okay? And if right now you are having troubles with this, you should comment and let me know. Tell me what questions you have about teaching your child. All right? And punishment is always not the way to go, all right? It never works. In fact, this is how exactly I do a lot of my therapy. I don't even use punishment at all. And I get to my objectives very fast. Such as, like, toilet training, cutting their hair. These are also due because, you know, it's. It makes the parents lives better. Right. And also meal times. You know, I have a client who wouldn't eat, you know, by himself, fast, in a fast pace, just like put stuff in his mouth and that's it. So all these kind of behavioral problems, you must use. You must use rewards. Doesn't. You don't have to reason with them. You have to say, oh, you got to eat because you're growing up. It don't matter. Just reward them. Okay. It's just as like us adults. We know that we have to work out because it's good for our bodies. You don't need to tell me the rationale. I know it, but I'm not going to do it. Right. It's just human behavior that if you don't reward something, that behavior will not go continue to happen. All right? That's just the end of it. If you punish it, then the behavior stopped a little bit and goes back up. Okay. It's just like that. Okay. So if you want to know the system we use for rewarding, especially for toilet training, we're doing a workshop so we can go to agents of Speech.com toilet to learn the exact blueprints that I use, I taught my clients to use to achieve toilet independence without Pampers. That's pretty cool, right? So go there. Agentsofspeech.com toilet and this is a rather short live video. I'm sorry about it. And I'm really happy that everyone here on Facebook and YouTube is hanging out with me, and I'll just answer, like one or two more questions and I'm gonna be off because on personal matters, and that's why I'm kind of late today. I'm so sorry. And Juliana asks what reward that works best for a toddler? The best reward for a toddler is usually a snack. Right? It's a snack. Because, truth be told, rewards that you cannot take away from a kid is very hard. Let's say you give him a toy. Like, when you take it away, they get angry. But for food or drinks, they eat it or they drink it, it's gone. They want more. Right. So it actually works better. And don't mind if you're treating them like an animal. You might be treating them like a cat, Right? But at the same time, it's okay. It's okay. We're going to get rid of that. And sooner or later, it's going to be just toys. So I'm going to end my life right here. If you have any comments and questions, do put them here. And if you do want to another plug. If you do want to join our online workshop for toilet training, you can go to agentsofspeech.com toilet check it out because I'm going to share the exact stuff and you'll get worksheets and you can ask me questions at the live and you can also watch it as a replayer. Okay, so with that said, thank you so much. I'll see you on Friday morning, 9am no hiccups this time. Bye Bye.