Wednesday Live: Why Your Delayed Child Doesn't Like Playing With You

All right. Oh, everyone, hi. Good morning. So good morning. And today I want to talk about why your child doesn't like to play with you. And the reason why I'm talking about this, I've actually talked about this topic a few times already, right? And the reason why we're talking about this is because yesterday I just got off a coaching call with a parent, just an online consultation, and she's like, hey, Aming, my child doesn't like playing with me. Whenever I approach my child, he says, mom, go away. You know, like. And that really breaks the mom's heart because all the mom's just trying is just trying to join in the play, right? And the reason why it's not working right now, there's a few reasons. Number one is because the method you're trying isn't working, okay? If you've been trying the same method, trying to join in for like, years, then, hey, it might not be the best idea to keep on going, okay? Because if you keep on doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result, that's kind of crazy, okay? And that's the hallmark of speech therapy or therapy, anything, is that it's a very systematic way to try different methods until work, right? And if you don't do that, it will be very difficult for your child to actually want to talk to you because it keeps on being the same thing over and over, right? And it becomes a very boring routine. Okay? And let's talk about what people have been doing first, right? Let's talk about what people are doing. So we've got that slowly, just sitting next to them and then just joining in the play, that kind of stuff. That stuff works for 90% of children if you do it slowly, okay? And the biggest problem that I see when parents do it, parents show me videos or I see them do it themselves in real life, is that they do not really. They do it too fast. So there are actually a few things you need to do you need to think about, right? So if your child right now hates being physically close to you, then that is also something you have to be careful, okay? So the parent who talked to me yesterday, she said that, hey, if I. If I touch my child and like brush him on the head while he's playing, he's like. Like that, right? So that means the child actually does not like physical distance whilst playing. So that's something that's rigid and it's hard to change if you're doing a few things at the same time. So let me explain so when you try to join and play, there are a few things that are involved. Number one, the distance with the child. Number two, what you're saying with the child. Number three, what are you doing in front of the child? And number five, number four, I'm skipping number four is that if you are manipulating the child in any way. Okay, so first of all, those four things, there's a lot I'm not going to repeat myself because it's a mouthful, but basically you have to only do one. And usually that one thing is always the distance first. Okay? If your child right now, when they play, they feel guarded, defensive against why you're coming towards them, the main reason is because they're playing, you're disturbing them, they think you're making them do some sort of therapy or they think that, oh, no, it's that time again. Mom comes again and tries to make a session out of my playtime. And that, of course, is going to make a child run away or tell you to go away because they thought that this was their time and it wasn't one of those training periods again. So what I intend to tell you is to only do the distancing slowly increase, sorry, decrease the distance between you and the child until he's comfortable. Until he's comfortable or she's comfortable. Okay? And when you put that, when you are at that situation where you just sit next to them and do nothing, it gives them a sense of security that, okay, mom's not trying to make me do anything. She's just next to me trying to accompany me. Once they understand that, then you can add more stuff. Okay? And the parent yesterday, she told me every time I make a remark about the things that he's playing, he tells me to be quiet. Right. So even if your child is okay with being you really close to them, what happens next is that if you talk, what's going to happen? Because frankly speaking, when you're talking, the kid thinks that you are trying to teach something. Okay, so how do you change that? How do you change that? One of my clients right now online, she is actually having this trouble as well. So she would spontaneously by herself, like naturally just ask a lot of questions and command a lot. That's why when you look at. When I was looking at the child's face on the video, his face was like, like this. He was like, like that. He was like moaning and nagging. Right? And the reason behind it is because he was playing, you disturbed him. And you're giving instructions for no particular reason. It's not fun for him. It's only the reason why you want him to do it is because you want it to happen. That's all right. There's no particular reason why you would ask your child to, oh, give me that hot dog, put it in the sauce and give it to mom. Right? This is literally not fun for them to do that. It might be if your child is actually, like, leading the play. But usually if we're talking about a delayed child, they like to play by themselves because they don't like to be disturbed. Because every time someone talks, they either don't understand it or it's just too much to process at that time. So therefore, I'm asking you to be a little empathetic, because I'm trying to be empathetic towards parents. Because, you know, it's very difficult for you to understand that, hey, sometimes. Sometimes you do get rejected by your child. And for me, I can be very emotionally detached, right? If it doesn't work, it's my fault, because, you know, I haven't been fun enough. I haven't been clear enough, and I might have put too much pressure on them, and I can adjust. But for parents, it's very, very important that you understand this as well, that you can go through everything like that with a heart that, hey, it's okay to fail. It's okay for them to ignore me this time. It's okay for them to think that we're very annoying, all right? Because, hey, all mothers and fathers and caregivers are annoying. All therapists are annoying. Hey, I do not stop until I get what I want. It's very selfish of me, okay? And that's because I know. I kind of know what's best for them. Okay, so what happens next after you get close and you can start talking? All right? This is where you join in the play. This is when you only join in the play when you're allowed to talk, when you're allowed to touch the kid, and then you can join in to play. So how do you join in? So usually when I talk about join in, do not take what's in your child's hand, okay? That's just. That's very rude in their mind. They're like, hey, you come in, you take my toys, you talk to me, what's going on, right? And it's not funner than it is, right? So how do you join in the play? So first of all, you introduce more things to him, and you don't, like, shove it down his throat. You tell him that you show him by playing with. Let's say he's just playing with cards, right? Yesterday, that client, that mom of mine was telling me that, oh, he only plays the train, like, with just going, like, back and forth like this for a whole 30 minutes. So she wanted to introduce some tracks to him. But the biggest problem was that she was holding the child's hand and made him go on the tracks, right? That's a big no, because once you do that, it disrupts the child's play pattern. And how do you sell. How do you make sure that a child wants to play with you? Is that when you do it, it seems like you're having more fun than him. So by the time you're sitting next to your child and being able to touch the child, you know, and talk a little bit, then the next thing is that you play with the same toy, but you are having fun yourself. Okay? And this is something hard to do. There's something hard to do. So let me show you. So let's say that I'm still playing with the train, right? So what I would do is actually I would go, like, I would make some noise. Not too loud, okay? Not too loud. Because some children are very sensitive with sudden loud noises. They would cover the ears and shut off and tell you to go away. So you want to try not to do that. You want to go like, choo, choo, choo, choo, choo, like that. Show them. You don't need them to respond. It takes time. And when they look, just keep on going. Don't change a thing. Sometimes when children get interested, the mother or the father or the therapist or teacher start to escalate. What to do. Excuse me, what they're doing. And that's not correct because they were interested in that level of energy, right? So once they look and then you up it, then you might have a problem. Because as I told you, most delayed children are sensitive. And you don't know what's the correct level of engagement. Like, some. Some people are very bubbly. They go, wow, like that. And then child's like, wow, I'm running away, you know? So you be careful. If you can find a sweet spot, just stay there. Just stay there and show them how to play it like that. And you don't need to give a command. If they really want to, they will join in, right? So what if. And you might ask Ming, what if I've done this, they're looking and they don't, and they won't join at all. All right? So what can you do? In this situation. So what you can do now is to slightly nudge them. Don't take their hands. Slightly nudge them. So what I love to do is to actually snatch them at here, the elbow. Just nudge them a little bit and tell them to go play. If they don't, then don't force them. Okay? Don't force them. Just keep on playing yourself. This whole process might take a whole week. All right. The last time we did it with physical, before the pandemic, it was with the mother and an 11 year old girl. And whenever she was playing, the mom wanted to join and she was like, yay, hello, hello. And then the girl's like, hey, mom, go upstairs. You know, it was heartbreaking. And how we did it was basically going through those steps, right? Number one is to increase the distance slowly until you can touch her. You can sit next to her without her being angry or telling you to go away. After that, you want to start talking. But nothing. No questions, no demands, no instructions, no whatever. Let them know that this is not therapy time. Let them know that this is not a teaching time and not a teaching moment, but a time to just spend together. Right? So distance. Okay. Can touch. All right. Can talk. Cool. Next step is to show them something that's more fun than what they're currently doing. So back then we were doing with like cooking toys. Cause the little girl, 11 year old girl loved playing with like cooking. So we taught her by showing her that, you know, using the oven, using the sink, using different things, making it into a sequence was actually more fun than what she was just doing. She was just only cutting it, you know, she was just like cutting and putting it down. Cutting and putting it down. We had a whole sequence. We showed her what was cool. All right. And if you really want to know how to make a sequence, we have a video on YouTube or on Facebook. It's called like how to play with your child. How to do sequential play. I think. Yeah. But if you have any questions, do DM or PM me, my email is minggiansofspeech.com and you just tell me what was happening at home, Tell me what's going on and you know, I'll be very happy to help out. And so after we did that, the girl started to like engage. She started to understand, hey, actually playing with mom having this sequence is much more fun than playing by herself. Because then we can do a lot more like pretend play and everything like that. So you need to go through those steps slowly. Don't be hasty because yes. We all want our children to, like, get it instantly, right? But sometimes going fast doesn't work. Going slow is the best way to do it. And by systematically increasing the level of difficulty, the level of intrusiveness, right? It becomes easier for us to trust someone. All right? And I've made this analogy a few times already. So just imagine that, you know, right now you're asking too much of a commitment for your child. It's just impossible. They've been very used to being alone, playing alone, saying stuff alone, singing alone. But when you add yourself to the equation, it doesn't work. So the analogy is, imagine you're dating someone, right? It's not the first time you see them. It's not going to be like, hey, man, you want to go out to a movie or something? It needs to be something lower, just for a phone number. Something that is a little less commitment. And it's the same with playing with children, okay? And the worst part is, is that if your child has gone through therapy and you've been trying to teach your child for a long time, they've actually learned to build a defense when they know that you're trying something, okay? And there are a few cues that make it very apparent, very apparent to kids when you want to try to, like, teach something. Okay? So number one is your tone. Be careful of your tone. Do you go up? Okay. Do you do that? Do you have a certain way of saying things? You have to catch yourself. Okay? The best way is to take a video. I've done it myself. Obviously, it's very painful to watch yourself on video, especially when you're doing therapy. You catch on things that you think you're really stupid. Why would you even say that? Right? So be careful of your tone. Do you suddenly have a tone that indicates to your child that you're going to ask a question or teach them something? All right, that is a huge turn off. Okay? Do you have a lot of physical touch when you try to teach your child something? So, for instance, I've actually pointed out this to the mother, that whenever she tries, she has a few things going on. Her tone goes up. He goes like, let's call her Tiffany. It's not her name, okay? Because Tiffany, like, once she does that, Tiffany runs away, okay? So when she does that, it means that she wants something from the child. So catch yourself. Do you have these cues? Does it, like, happen? All right, you can ask your spouse. You can ask your spouse, either the mom or like, your wife or your husband, they will know. They Will catch it. Okay. And then do you have any physical touch? So back then the mom would go like Tiffany and like tap her on the shoulder or like, you know, be really close to her. So that becomes a cue, a prompt towards the child thinking, dude, you're going to talk to me and teach me stuff now you're going to disturb me from my. For my play like that, Right? Okay. So we've gone through all those things. That's a lot of fur for my cat. Anyways, so we've talked about all these things, right? And decreasing the distance slowly. And then what we do is like we start talking to see if we're. Oh, no, no. We start to touch them, see if we can touch them. We start talking, see if we can talk. And then we show them how to play something without being intrusive. Right. We just play something, have our own fun and see if they want to join in. Right. So these are the things that you need to do. Are there any other reasons why your child doesn't like playing with you? Well, there are a few. Okay, first of all, let's talk about two. Okay. First of all, they don't like. They might not like what you like or what you think he likes. For the example about the parent yesterday asking me, the child likes to play with. Play with trains, Right. But doesn't mean he likes the train tracks. Okay? So that's why if you keep on selling the same thing, that doesn't work, you have to change it. It's like selling a comb to a monk man. I mean, if he doesn't need it, why are you selling it? Right? Or he doesn't want it, why are you selling it? Why are you trying to push it on someone? Okay, There is a limit to where we change. We will give up on our toys and try something else. Okay. So other than the tracks, you can try slides. Does the slide work like a car slide? Right. Or you can just use a piece of long board and put it against the sofa. See if he likes the train going up or down that slide. Another, another thing is you can use things together. Does he like to. Can you blow bubbles on the train? Right. Can you use play Doh. And make. Make things. Make stamps of the train wheels. Does he like that? Right. These things are. You need to try. You keep on trying until you get the attention of the child without forcing it down the throat. Okay. And the second reason why is because they don't know how to play. Their imagination hasn't gone up to there yet. Okay. And. Or they don't have the world knowledge. They don't understand that. Oh, actually train those on tracks. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Of course, it's not fun if you don't know that. Yeah. And I've said it multiple times here. If you're watching this for the first time, thank you very much for watching. I do this every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, as much as I can because I'm more free now because of the quarantine and I'm not going to work anytime soon, probably next month, but needs to be very safe. But anyways, I've been talking about how, you know, if a child doesn't understand or has that experience, it's very hard to enjoy something. All right? And it's the same for us. If I don't know about basketball and I watch a basketball game. Super boring for me. Don't understand it. Right. Don't understand how computers work. You talk to me about computers, I'll instantly just shut off. Okay? So it's the same. So you need to make sure that it's something that they understand. If they don't understand, make sure they. You try to teach them not by forcing it down their throats, but at least during those therapy times that you've locked down. Those are the times that your child is actually okay with you disturbing. Because they're used to you disturbing. All right? So this is. These are the reasons why your delayed child doesn't like playing with you. All right? It's not because you're not fun enough. It's not because you're not bubbly. It's not because you're bad or anything. It's because you give off a vibe, give off a feeling that you're trying to teach something when they are playing. Okay? So remember that. Remember that to catch yourself, try to analyze the situation. Take some videos. I know it's very difficult and it's time consuming to watch yourself over the video. It sucks. I know it. When I first started as a therapist, my boss, my supervisor asked me to record myself to let her seat because we were very busy back then. You know, we had like back to back therapy. And basically I fell asleep every day at 9pm nearly. It was really bad. So after that she made me watch it. She made me watch the videos and it made me realize a lot of things. And I still do it to this day for myself. Okay? And I also ask parents to do it for themselves as well. So when you take videos of you interacting with your child, it's much Easier to see as a third person where, what's wrong? Why did they run away? Why are they not interested? Why did they not learn? Right? And most of the time, it's because we are too pushy, okay? And we. It's not your fault, obviously, because, you see, therapists are very pushy people, all right? And you need to understand why. I can be pushy and you cannot, or someone else can be pushy. You cannot. First of all, you're the mom, you're the dad. You're a provider, not a teacher. In their minds. That thing needs to shift a little bit. It's going to take time. Number two is that those toys are mine at my place, all right? I can push them. Dude, they don't own it. But at home, everything, they think it's theirs, all right? That's the main difference. I can push them because they're using my toys, Right? You cannot push them at home because those toys are theirs and they like to play it any way they want, all right? And so what you need to remember or think about in these situations is that if they don't want to play with you, they don't want to learn from you, they don't want to read with you. Are you being a little too pushy? Can you step back and chop the whole thing into different slices, into smaller chunks? And to do one thing at a time, is it the physical distance that's a problem right now? Is it your tone that's a problem right now? Is it your actions are too bubbly to make them feel like it's like that? Or are you too fierce Sometimes that's also a big issue, especially in Asia, because you're supposed to be playing. You're not supposed to be, like, commanding and being fierce at the same time. But sometimes it's just in our DNA to like, hey, you didn't do it. Just do it, man. Even I do it sometimes. I'm like, hey, you didn't listen. Take it over, put it on the bowl, put the sauce on. But that's not the way how you should play. That's a tone for, like, telling them to do something. And of course, a lot of children who are very obedient will listen very nicely, but their faces will tell everything because they don't really enjoy it. Okay? So if you have any questions, do put it here. If you're watching on this recording, do put it in the comments so I can read it. And I'll get back to you asap. And at the same time, thank you so much. For checking out these lives. I don't have much to say about this. I basically summed it up pretty well this time because I've actually said it yesterday already. So it's much more clear in my mind now and I can just share with you. Okay. If you have any questions about it or anything specific, you can DM me, PM me or just email me is the best. Emailing is the greatest thing. So you can email me@mingagentsofspeech.com and you can ask me anything there and I'll try my best to answer you. Okay? With that said, thank you so much. This will be the end of our morning Live today. We'll be going live again on Friday. On Friday again. Okay, and I'll see you then. And for this week, we haven't been putting out new YouTube videos. And the reason why is because I've been thinking about what's the best videos that are have the best results for parents because some of them are too theory heavy, I believe. So if you have any questions or any suggestions, just put it here, let me know and I will know what to do. Okay. So that's it. Thank you. I'll see you on Friday. Bye.