https://www.listennotes.com/e/ff2764d8375248e79ecae1ebd20ad01a

What you focus on is what you bring into your life. This is the law of the vortex or what is commonly called the law of attraction. And that is that you get into your life, you bring into your life, you attract into your life what you don't want. So the more you focus on your problems, guess what you're going to create. We're problems. It's magic. So tell me about a problem that you've had that's hung on for a while, that's bothered you for a while, that you did not turn around and fix right away. Because it was a big problem. Like shit, I don't know what to do. Maybe you didn't know what to do.

I know I don't like confrontation.

Now is not liking confrontation a problem? No, I think so. Who else besides him does not like confrontation? Shit, motherfucker. See, I was taught confrontation was a sin. I was taught to turn the other cheek, which is a good way to just spend your whole life avoiding ass weapons. I did it for three marriages. Three. Three marriages. And by the time in the third marriage I was willing to actually stand up, the marriage was already destroyed. And my wife had no intention of being a bully. That was not her intention, that was not her thought. She was not thinking she was bullying me. I just wouldn't stand up to her. Why?

Didn't like confrontation.

I didn't like confrontation.

So.

And you do this like over and over?

Yeah.

So, why do you think you're afraid of confrontation, Aiden?

I'm comfortable not confronting.

Yeah.

Okay. What's comfortable when you're not arguing with somebody.

Yeah.

So, Have you seen confrontations that were uncomfortable, like that were bad?

Yeah.

You've seen this? Have you been in one?

Probably.

Have you been in a confrontation where you confronted somebody with something and it didn't go well?

I'm not sure.

Can't think of a single time. So we have a virgin. We have a confrontation virgin. I'm not making light of it, I'm just like, no, 17 years old, you live at home. Okay, so he lives at home, so he's in a protective environment. At school, did you ever avoid confrontation? Or did you ever have a confrontation with, like, a nobody at school?

No.

Not one.

No. Well.

Oh. So right now his mama is raising her hand and say, yeah, I think we've had a confrontation or two. Have you ever confronted your mom or did she confront you? Back here, back here, guys. Back here. Back here. Did you ever confront your mom?

No.

You've never confronted your mom?

No.

So you're the confronter. He's the one that avoids confrontation because he didn't enjoy it. Oh, you have to come here. Trin, come on up here. Ladies and gentlemen, come here. This is not, she was one of the people that texted me and go like something about your class. And I'm like, this is not a fucking class. Don't ever call it a class or I will kick you out. I had this conversation with them, but you're new, so we didn't have this conversation.

I just wanted to give a little background.

Okay, hang on. So this is Dr. Trinh.

Hi.

She is a chiropractor.

I don't need that.

Welcome, we're glad you're here. No, you need it because all these.

People out there in Zoomland cannot hear you without it. So I think a lot of our upbringing and our history, how we were raised, brings a lot into what our fears are. And so Aiden's non-confrontational because I'm a very confrontational person. And so He sees me attacking people all the time. And if we're gonna talk about marriages, I am the confrontational problem. And so I think he avoids it at all costs because he was raised with it his whole life.

Okay, give it to him. Is that true? You think that's true?

Yeah.

So you think her confrontation, what is it called, confrontational personality? You think her confrontational personality makes you avoid it?

Probably.

So does she confront you regularly? Like whenever, she has no problem going like, Aidan, you call him, what do you call him when you're pissed?

Just Aidan.

No middle names, no like three. Jeremy Alexander Newsom. I'm like, I'm like, that's the coolest name. And he goes like, well, that's what I go by because that name I heard more than any other when I was growing up was, I was not Jeremy. I was Jeremy Alexander Newsom because every time my mom was mad at me for being a bad boy, that's what she called me.

And he said, I got called that a lot. So it's just Aidan.

Yeah.

Okay. Aiden, it's not Aiden. It's Aiden.

So it's Aiden, Aiden. Okay. And so because of that, you don't like the way it makes you feel. Yeah. So when you're unwilling to confront somebody else, what you're feeling is, I don't want to make them feel bad, or is it that you don't want to make you feel bad? Or uncomfortable.

Yeah, I think it's more on my end. I don't want it to go bad for me.

So you're afraid if I confront, there may be pain in the confrontation. Is that a possibility?

Yes.

So what happens if there's something that needs to be said or think of a time that you needed to talk to somebody and say something because they were doing something that was hurting you or something that was was inappropriate and you were in a relationship, whatever that relationship was, parent, friend, school, teacher, and you're like, I ain't right. Can you think of a moment like that? Now you guys understand this is uncomfortable, right? This is hard shit. But see, what happens is in real life, we are in the situation where we need to have a conversation, a straightforward conversation, We need to have this confrontation and it's uncomfortable and we are all alone. And we get in our own head and this is why we don't do shit. And so we don't do anything. So if we can take in a moment when there is an environment of safety like this and go like, okay, what would this be like and what would happen if you actually did this? And what's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen? What would you do here? What would you do here? And walk through a process that simply equips you that equips Aiden to be able to go like, okay, I'm ready for this. I'm going to war. I'm standing up to the bully. Could I get my ass kicked? Yes or no? Yes. Yes, I could get my ass kicked. What's the worst that could happen? He could kick my ass. Can I live with that? Yes, what's the alternative? I run, I don't get my ass kicked, and guess what I get to spend the rest of my life doing? running. So which would I rather take? Getting my ass kicked once, and then the story is, but you should have seen that motherfucker. Or running for the rest of my life. Because it will not turn until you turn. This is what we talked about on day one, this wake the fuck up, and rise is the first thing I have to do is wake the fuck up and face reality, face the truth. And a lot of times that means I've got to face myself and go like, what's happening? What is the cost of being non-confrontational? It's becoming weak. I know this from experience. That when you are not willing to stand up for yourself, you become weaker and weaker because fear becomes now the wall that is actually the bully. The bully is no longer the enemy. The emotion that makes me avoid the bully because when you can't fight back, what else can you do? Fear, it's fight or flight. Okay, so when they take away fight, you're already fucked. All you can do is flee. And when you flee, that is a flight, the flight response is a fear response. And so now that becomes the dominating emotion. And so guess what it does? The more you give into fear, does fear get weaker or stronger the more you give into it? Stronger. Stronger. And what happens to your response to fear, which would, what would be the antidote to fear? Courage. Courage. Courage. So courage is the antidote to fear. Not being afraid is not the antidote to fear. Because, you know, years, several years ago, there was this slogan became very popular on t-shirts.

No.

Fear. No fear. No fear, which is how people die. It's like, no fear is insanity. It's stupid. Because fear is designed to keep you alive. But the problem is when you start feeling fear, when there's no danger, there's no risk, it's like, oh, I'm afraid of that. What if it's electric? What if it shocks me? And I get attached to this. It's just a, it's just a, like a little mat.

It's like nothing.

Right, but if I give in to that and I think I have a fear about it, it doesn't matter whether it's true or not, it's my belief about it and I'm afraid of it. And then over time, every, I'm just worried about touching anything because that fear grows because I got no courage to go like, okay, what's the worst that could happen? Well, I mean, if it's gonna shock me, it's gonna shock me. Okay. Oh, that was easy. If I'm gonna break through this barrier, most of the fear is just like, it's like, Crepe paper, it's just like, all you do is go like, and it's gone. It's like a dog. The best way to get attacked by a dog that is not interested in attacking you is to run away from it. Because then their instinct kicks in and go like, oh, easy kill, motherfucker, come on. And you're down. I had my little grandsons when they came out, they got a 75-pound puppy, you know, with Leonidas, and they're like, I'm like, okay, guys, here's the rule. We trained them. And it's like, you lean into him and you rub him here and he will lay down. Or you run from him and he will literally tackle you. 'Cause he's bigger than, you know, he's bigger than all my grandsons except for one. And sure enough, Kieran is like, oh, and then he starts running and I mean it was like a form tackle. I can just still see it's like slow motion. He's just like, whoo! He just wraps his arms around Ciaran and Ciaran just goes straight into the dirt and it's like, it's ugly. And that's so that becomes the MO, which is not the way you want to live, right? So here, I want you to just change, take a frame here. Straightforward conversation. So what is that? Say it.

Two people talking.

No, what is it? Just tell me what I just told you to do. What is it called?

Straightforward conversation.

A straightforward conversation. Not a fight. It's just, hey, I need to talk to you about something. Here's how I feel. This is what's going on. And this is what I think needs to happen. I need to tell you this. I need to express this. I just had that conversation. Is there anything right now that you feel like any place in the world which Confrontation is always gonna be typically a relationship. Is there any relationship where you need to have a conversation that you've been unwilling to have? That you're like, I got something inside of me that's not okay. Dude, I did this, I was a master of suppressing this for decades.

Who right now, it may be her.

I mean, it's a, and you don't have to, we're not gonna have this conversation, I'm not gonna make you guys go into the confrontation right now. And it may or may not be, I'm not saying it is, I'm just saying it could be. I'm pretty sure she tries to keep the air clear by like, okay, I sent something, we're gonna go at it. So, I don't know. Sisters, dad, stepdad, you got a stepdad? You got a stepdad?

Had one.

Had a stepdad. Dad, stepdad, kids, you got sisters, right? Sisters?

I'm not sure. Everyone around me is pretty confrontational too.

So, well, so just because they tell you how they feel does not mean there's no need for confrontation. Because if you're not willing to confront back, all you're doing is suppressing it. Anybody you're hurt by, mad at, something they do that bothers you, even a little thing? Do you tell people what you want?

No.

No? Do you ask for what you want?

Sometimes.

Mm-. But if you want something, you don't just tell people, hey, I want this, I want this. This is what I want. You don't say that. No. Why? 'Cause you're afraid they could say, They can say no. And you don't want that. So this is the fear of rejection. Okay, so there's a fear of, I'm not saying that that's an issue, but I'm just saying that fear of confrontation is because I'm afraid of people judging me, attacking me back, just the discomfort of that. So right now you can't think of anything. Help him out, Mom. Is there a conversation that you know that he needs to have with somebody because he's told you there's something wrong? Okay, what is her face telling you right now? She knows.

The only person he has to tell something to is me, and he doesn't want to do it. His life is, this kid's life is breezy. He doesn't, the only thing he needs to To have-- oh. The only thing he needs to have confrontation with is me and he doesn't want to do it. I know it. Like today I probably shouldn't have come because he doesn't want to have the confrontation with me. It's just with me.

So do you think that it was by accident that I called you up on the stage? I didn't do it. I had no-- I'm not sitting there going like, oh, I'm gonna pick on the youngest kid in the room and the new girl. Yes, we're gonna just bring them right up here and break them in. So I want you to be with this question today. Who do I need to confront? What do I need to confront? Just go with your mom. There's something inside of you that needs to be said to her. Does she love you?

Yeah.

Does she beat you or anything? I'm serious. Does she beat you?

Not recently.

Okay, good.

Not since he got bigger.

Well, I mean, we've had, I mean, what did Eva tell us? She was beaten literally to a pulp. She's like, I could have died the way her mom beat her. So this is, I mean, we're in a different world here. So good that you haven't been beaten recently. And he's a little bigger than her now, so there may be kind of like, okay. But I want you to be, what's the conversation you need to have with your mom? And there's a conversation. On the other side of it, there's two things happen. One, Liberation. And two, is a better and stronger connection with your mom, who probably still uses you as a little boy in some ways, but she did not raise you to be a little boy. What does she raise you to be? A man. A man. Now, I'm not sure if she was aware that who she is actually raising you to be is a king. Do you see that? So we'll talk more, I want to hear about this conversation. There's something that's kind of out for you, okay? As you're with, I just want you to be with it and you may already know, hey, I know what it is, yeah. Okay, good. Do you know what it is or you gotta think about it? I'm not gonna make you bring it out, but I want you in this conversation and I want this to go. Okay, because otherwise all this does is it makes you play small. It makes you play small. If you are unwilling to confront problems in your life, you're going to play small your whole life because you can't handle big problems. I did this over and over and over in my life. I would do great at any, everything I started, I was very successful at it, until the confrontation would show up. And then what did I do? I ran away. Every time. I did this with my first, my first dream for my life was playing college basketball. And I did great at basketball. I mean, it was just like, I was short, but I was athletic and I was quick and I could play and I loved it. It was my dream until my senior year, moved to a new school. I was the best player on the team for a team that was supposed to win state that year, Dalhart, Texas, 1980-82. And Coach Reeves didn't like it. New kid coming in and saying, people were saying, oh yeah, he's the best. He's going to be a team leader. And he's like, not on my team. But the problem was not that Coach Reeves didn't like it. The problem is when Coach Reeves benched me and said, you,'re never going to be a part of this team, but you can stay on the team if you want, but you're really never going to be a part of this team. Instead of fighting for my dream, I folded.

I was.

17. And it set me on a trajectory of folding. That's not what you want.

No.

Okay. I'm gonna turn the ship, bro. All right, work. Tran?

Thanks.

Thanks for letting us embarrass you. Yes, Masters, one, two, three. Boom, one, two, three. Boom, one, two, three.

Boom. So.

Guys, I'm gonna tell you right now, this is for all of you. And the reason we go through these conversations is not just for Aiden, is the conversation is for you and for you and for you, Lynette. Good morning. Good morning. Is for every single one, because you, this is where we get in this place of like, I am afraid, because confrontation always carries risk. Always. And going in, you don't know which way it's going to go or there would be no risk. So it requires courage. How do you get courage? How do you get courage? If you know the answer, type it in. How do you get courage? Anybody know the answer? Come on, just type in what you think's the answer. Facing your fears, just fucking do it. So how do I get it though? Like if I'm afraid to just do it, how do I need courage to just do it? How do I get it? Try. Proximity. Just how about this? Choose it.