YES Talk 306- Why Avoiding Confrontation Is Holding You Back

What you focus on is what you bring into your life. This is the law of the vortex, or what is commonly called the law of attraction, and that is that you get into your life, you bring into your life, you attract into your life what you don't want. So the more you focus on your problems, guess what? You're going to create more problems. It's magic. So tell me about a problem that you've had that's hung on for a while, that's bothered you for a while, that you did not, like, turn around and fix right away because it was a big problem. Like, shit, I don't know what to do. Maybe didn't know what to do. I know I don't like confrontation. Okay. Now, is not liking confrontation a problem? No. I think so. Who else? Who besides him does not like confrontation? Shit. Motherfucker. See, I was taught confrontation was a sin. I was taught, turn the other cheek, which is a good way just to spend your whole life avoiding ass whippings. I did it for three marriages. Three. Three marriages. And by the time in the third marriage, I was willing to actually stand up, the marriage was already destroyed. And my wife had no intention of being a bully. That was not her intention. That was not her thought. She was not thinking she was bullying me. I just wouldn't stand up to her. Why? Didn't like confrontation. I didn't like confrontation. So. And you do this over and over. So why do you think you're afraid of confrontation, Aidan? I'm comfortable. Not.

Comfortable.

Not less comfortable when you're not arguing with somebody. So have you seen confrontations that were uncomfortable, like they were bad? Yeah. You've seen this? Have you been in one? Probably. Have you been in a confrontation where you confronted somebody with something and it didn't go well? I'm not sure. Can't think of a single time. So we have a virgin. We have a confrontation virgin. I'm not. I mean, this is not. I'm not making light of it. I'm just like, no, he's 17 years old. You live at home. Okay, so he lives at home. So he's in a protective environment. At school. Did you ever avoid confrontation, or did you ever have a confrontation with, like, nobody at school? No. Not one? No. Well. Oh, so right now his mama is raising her hand and say, yeah, I think we've had a conversation or two. Have you ever confronted your mom, or did she confront you? Back here, Back here, guys. Back here, back here. Did you ever confront your mom? No. You've never confronted your mom? No. So you're the confronter. He's the one that avoids confrontation because you don't enjoy it. Oh, you don't have. Come here, Trinh. Come on up here, ladies and gentlemen. Come. No, come here. This is not so. She. She was one of the people that texted me and go like, something about your class. And I'm like, this is not a fucking class. Don't ever call it a class or I will kick you out. I had this conversation with them, but you're new, so we didn't have this conversation.

I just wanted to give a little background.

Okay, hang on. So this is. This is Dr. Trinh.

Hi.

She is a chiropractor.

I don't need that.

Welcome. We're glad you. No, you need it because all these people out there in Zoom Land cannot hear you without it.

So I think a lot of our upbringing and our history, how we were raised, brings a lot into what our fears are. And so Aiden's non confrontational because I'm a very confrontational person. And so he sees me attacking people all the time. And if we're going to talk about marriages, I am the confrontational problem. And so I think he avoids it at all costs because he was raised with it his whole life.

Okay, give it to him. Is that true, you think that's true? Yeah. So you think her confrontation, what is it called? Confrontational personality. You think her confrontational personality makes you avoid it? Probably. So does she confront you regularly? Like whenever? Like she's not. She has no problem going like, Aiden. You call him. What do you call him when you're pissed? Just Aiden. No middle names? No. Like three. Jeremy Alexander Newsom. I'm like. I'm like, that's the coolest name. And he goes like, well, that's what I go by. Because that name I heard more than any other when I was growing up was, I was not Jeremy. I was Jeremy Alexander Newsom. Because every time my mom was mad at me for being a bad boy, that's what she called me. And he said I got called that a lot. So it's just Aiden. Yeah.

Okay, Aiden. It's not Aiden. It's Aiden.

So it's Aiden. Aiden. Okay. And so because of that, you don't like the way it makes you feel? Yeah. So when you're unwilling to confront somebody else, what you're feeling is, I don't want to make them feel bad. Or is it that you don't want to make you feel bad or uncomfortable? Yeah, I think it's more on my end. I Don't want it to go bad for me. So you're afraid if I confront, there may be pain? Yeah. In the confrontation, Is that a possibility? Yes. So what happens if there's something that needs to be said or think of a time that you needed to talk to somebody and say something because they were doing something that was hurting you or something that was, was inappropriate and you were in a relationship, whatever that relationship was, parent, friend at school, teacher, and you're like, that ain't right. Can you think of a moment like that? All you guys understand this is uncomfortable, right? This is hard shit. But see what happens is in real life we are in the situation where we need to have a conversation, a straightforward conversation with we need to have this confrontation and it's uncomfortable and we are all alone and we get in our own head and this is why we don't do shit and so we don't do anything. So if we can take in a moment when there is an environment of safety like this and go like, okay, what would this be like? And what would happen if you actually did this? And what's the worst that could happen? What's the best that could happen? What would you do here? What would you do here? And walk through a process that simply equips you to, that equips Aiden to be able to go like, okay, I'm ready for this, I'm going to war. I'm standing up to the bully. Could I get my ass kicked? Yes or no? Yes, I could get my ass kicked. What's the worst that could happen? He could kick my ass. Can I live with that? Yes. What's the alternative? I run, I don't get my ass kicked and guess what I get to spend the rest of my life doing Running. So which would I rather take? Getting my ass kicked once and then the story is, but you should have seen that motherfucker. Or running for the rest of my life because it will not turn until you turn. This is what we talked about on day one. This wake the fuck up is and rise is. The first thing I have to do is wake the fuck up and face reality, face the truth. And a lot of times that means I've got to face myself and go like, what's happening? What is the cost of being non confrontational? It's becoming weak. I know this from experience, that when you are not willing to stand up for yourself, you become weaker and weaker. Because fear becomes now the wall that is actually the bully. The bully is no longer the enemy. The emotion that makes me Avoid the bully. Because when you can't fight back, what else can you do? Fear. It's fight or flight. Okay? So when they take away fight, you're already fucked. All you can do is flee. And when you flee, that is a flight. The flight response is a fear response. And so now that becomes the dominating emotion. And so guess what? It does. The more you give into fear, does fear get weaker or stronger? The more you give into it. Stronger, Stronger. And what happens to your response to fear? Which would, what would be the antidote to fear? What is it? Courage. So courage is the antidote to fear? Not being afraid is not the antidote to fear. Because, you know, years, several years ago there was this. The slogan became very popular on T shirts. No fear, no fear, no fear. Which is how people die, right? It's like, no, fear is insanity. It's stupid because you fear is designed to keep you alive. But the problem is when you start feeling fear, when there's no danger, there's no risk. It's like, oh, I'm afraid of that. What if it's electric? What if it shocks me and I get attached to this? It's just a, it's just a, like a little mat. It's like nothing, right? But if I give in to that and I think I have a fear, but it doesn't matter whether it's true or not. It's my belief about it and I'm afraid of it. And then over time every, I'm just worried about touching anything because that fear grows because I got no courage to go like, okay, what's the worst that could happen? Well, I mean if it's going to shock me, it's going to shock me. Okay. Oh, that was easy. If I'm going to break through this barrier, most of the fear is just like, it's like crepe paper. It's just like all you do is go like and it's gone. It's like a dog. The best way to get attacked by a dog that is not interested in attacking you is to run away from it. Because then their instinct kicks in and go like oh, easy kill motherfucker. Come on. And you're down. My little grandsons, when they came out, they got a 75 pound puppy, you know, with Leonidas and they're like, I'm like, okay guys, here's the rule. We trained them. And it's like you lean into him and you rub him here and he will lay down or you run from him and he will literally tackle you because he's bigger than. You know, he's bigger than all my grandsons, except for one. And sure enough, Kieran is like, oh. And then he starts running. And, I mean, it was like a form tackle. I can just still see. It's like slow motion. He's just like, woo. Just wraps his arms around Kieran, and Kieran just goes straight into the dirt. And it's like. It's. It's ugly. And that's. So that becomes the mo. Which is not the way you want to live, right? So here, I want you just to change. Take a. Take a frame here. Straightforward conversation. So what is that? Say it. Two people talking. No. What is. Just tell me what. What I just told you to do. What is it called? Straightforward conversation. A straightforward conversation. Not a fight. It's just, hey, I need to talk to you about something. Here's how I feel. This is what's going on, and this is what I think needs to happen. I need to tell you this. I need to express this. I just had that conversation. Is there anything right now that you feel like any place in the world, which confrontation is always going to be, typically a relationship. Is there any relationship where you need to have a conversation that you've been unwilling to have that you like? I got something inside of me that's not okay. Dude, I did this. I was a master of suppressing this for decades. Who right now? Maybe her. I mean. And you don't have to. We're not going to have this conversation. I'm not going to make you guys go into the confrontation right now. And it may or may not be. I'm not saying it is. I'm just saying it could be. I'm pretty sure she tries to keep the air clear by like, okay, I sense something. We're going to go at it. So, I don't know. Sisters, dad, stepdad. You have stepdad. You have stepdad. Had one. Had a stepdad. Dad, stepdad, kids. You got sisters, right? Sisters. I'm not sure. Everyone around me is pretty confrontational too, so. Well, so just because they tell you they're just. They tell you how they feel does not mean there's no need for confrontation. Because if you're not willing to confront back, all you're doing is suppressing anybody you're hurt by mad at something they do that bothers you. Even a little thing. Do you tell people what you want? No. No. Do you ask for what you want? Sometimes. Mm. But if you want something, you don't just tell people, hey, I want this. I want this. This is what I want. You don't say that. No. Why? Because you're afraid they could say. They could say no, and you don't want that. So this is the fear of rejection. Okay, so there's a fear of. I'm not saying that that's an issue, but I'm just saying that fear of confrontation is because I'm afraid of people judging me, attacking me back. Just the discomfort of that. So right now you can't think of anything. Help him out, Mom. Is there a conversation that you know that he needs to have with somebody because he told you there's something wrong? Okay, what is her face telling you right now?

She knows the only person he has to tell something to is me, and he doesn't want to do it. His life is. This kid's life is breezy. He doesn't. The only thing he needs. The only thing he needs to have confrontation with is me, and he doesn't want to do it. I know it. Like today, I probably shouldn't have come because he doesn't want to have the confrontation with me. It's just with me.

So do you think that it was by accident that I called you up on the stage? I didn't do it. I had no. I'm not sitting there going like, oh, I'm going to pick on the youngest kid in the room and the new girl. Yes. We're going to just bring him right up here and break them in. So I want you to be with this question today. Who do I need to confront? What do I need to. Well, just go with your mom. There's something inside of you that needs to be said to her. Does she love you? Yeah. Does she beat you or anything? I'm serious. Does she beat you? Not recently. Okay, good.

Not since he got bigger.

Well, I mean, we've had. We. I mean, what did Eva tell us? She was beaten literally to a pulp. She's like, I could have died the way her mom beat her. So this is. I mean, we're in a different world here, but so good that you haven't been beaten recently. He's a little bigger than her now, so there may be kind of like, okay, but I want you to be with. What's the conversation you need to have with your mom? And there's a conversation on the other side of it. There are two things happen. One, liberation. And two is a better and stronger connection with your mom, who probably still uses you as a little boy in some ways, but she did not raise you to be a little boy. What does she raise you to be? Man. A man. Now, I'm not sure if she was aware that who she is actually raising you to be as a king. Do you see that? So we'll talk more. I want to hear about this conversation. There's something that's kind of for you. Okay. As you're with. I just want you to be with it until. And you may already know. Hey, I know what it is. Yeah. Okay, good. Do you know what it is or you got to think about it? I think about it. I'm not going to make you. I'm not going to make you bring it out, but I want you in this conversation, and I want this to go okay. Because otherwise all this does is it makes you play small. It makes you play small. If you are unwilling to confront problems in your life, you're gonna play small your whole life because you can't handle big problems. I did this over and over and over in my life. I would do great at any. Everything I started, I was very successful at it until the confrontation would show up. And then what did I do? I ran away. Every time I did this with my first. My first dream for my life was playing college basketball. And I did great at basketball. I mean, it was just like, I was short, but I could. But I was athletic and I was quick and I could play, and I would just. I loved. It was my dream. Until my senior year, moved to a new school. I was the best player on the team for a team that was supposed to win state that year. Dalhart, Texas, 1981. 82. And Coach Reeves didn't like it. New kid coming in and saying. People were saying, oh, yeah, he's the best. He's going to be a team leader. And he's like, not on my team. But the problem was not that Coach Reeves didn't like it. The problem is when Coach Reeves benched me and said, you're never going to be a part of this team, but you can stay on the team if you want, but you're really never going to be a part of this team. Instead of fighting for my dream, I folded. I was 17. And it set me on a trajectory of folding. That's not what you want? No. Okay. I'm gonna turn the ship, bro. All right, Tran, thanks. Thanks for letting us embarrass you. Yes. Masters. One, two, three, boom. One, two, three, boom. One, two, three, boom. So, guys, I'm going to tell you right now, this is for all of you. And the reason we go through these conversations and not just for. Not just for Aiden is the conversation is for you and for you. And for you. Lynette. Good morning. It's for every single one. Because you. This is where we get in this place of like, I am afraid because confrontation always carries risk. Always. And going in, you don't know which way is going to go or there would be no risk. So it requires courage. How do you get courage? How do you get courage? If you know the answer, type it in. How do you get courage? Anybody know the answer? Come on. Just type in what you think is the answer. Facing your fears. Just fucking do it. So how do I get it, though? Like, if I'm afraid to just do it, how do I need courage to just do it? How do I get it? Try just. How about this? Choose it.