Confidence in Relationships

I used to think that to be in a successful relationship, I had to hide parts of myself. I needed to kind of be this chameleon that could morph and twist into whatever other people expected of me. And what I found as I was doing my work was that doing that left me with very little confidence because I couldn't show up as my authentic self. The more I showed up true to my voice, true to who I was, the more my confidence grew and the more I was able to really take my power back. And going through my divorce was kind of the permission, in a way, that I needed to recalibrate and to rediscover really who I was so that I could become that confident person that I knew was there. And now I'm in a 12-year relationship. I don't have to pretend. It is so freeing. I can just be good, bad, ugly, it doesn't matter. He shows up the same way for me. We're both able to be authentic, which means our confidence is much stronger. So I wanted to share 5 ways in which I was able to look back and really understand what I needed to do differently in order to really tap into and be more confident in my relationships. And the first one is know your worth. I married in my early 30s and I had very little experience in long-term relationship. My role model was my mom. I saw her devote herself to her husband and to her kids. Now, I knew I brought good things to the table, but when those things conflicted with what my former husband wanted, I basically self-effaced. But when you know who you are, then you can show up more confidently. So here's what you can do. Hold yourself accountable to yourself. Be true to yourself. Take that power back. Realize that what makes you, you is your uniqueness. It's the fact that you are different. And being different You complement each other, you fill in those bits where he's not as strong, and he fills in those bits where maybe you are not as strong. So it's putting that picture together and making the pieces of the puzzle fit. Number 2: Communicate openly and clearly. My dad was a yeller, so I try to avoid that in my own life, but there is a way that you can communicate and let your feelings known without the emotions taking over and taking control. And the more you're able to communicate in a relaxed and steady way, the more easily you get your message across because you're not bogged down by the crazy emotions. So what to do? Just practice sharing share your feelings, share your ideas, share your thoughts. Because when you can communicate better, when you can address issues early, you prevent them from mushrooming into something that becomes out of control. So, addressing the issues when they're small is a surefire way to success. Number 3, don't forget to do you. You have your own interests, you have the things that you want to do, the experiences that you want to have, you have strengths that you bring. Chances are you got together because you're different and your differences make you stronger. Being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you do everything that they want to do. It's a give and take, everybody does their piece, everybody has the opportunity to do the things that they love. It's never one-sided. It's a partnership for a reason. So what can you do? Keep doing the things that you love, because when you get to do things outside of the relationship, the experiences and the connections that you bring back into the relationship actually make the relationship stronger. It brings excitement, it brings novelty, it brings variety, which are all things that are needed in order to keep a relationship vibrant. And the more The more you're able to contribute in that way into your relationships, the more confident you're going to feel. Number 4 is to set and respect boundaries, something that I really sucked at, I'll be honest. Either I didn't set the right boundaries or I wasn't strong enough and confident enough in what I needed or what I wanted to have people respect those boundaries. So, The first step is obviously to know what it is you want, to know where you want that line in the sand to be. And once you know that, be clear about these are the consequences and communicate those effectively so that people know they can't cross this line. One of the reasons why people would cross my boundaries all the time was because First of all, the boundaries were in my head and not communicated, so how could I hold anybody accountable, or how could I hold him accountable for not crossing the boundaries when he didn't know where the boundaries were? So setting and making sure that we have systems in place to correct the behavior will help you to feel more confident. And then the last one is Keep growing. There is one thing in life, and that is that things change. That's the one constant, is that no matter what, things are going to change. In nature, they say if you don't grow, you die. Personally, it's the same thing. If we don't continue to look for that next level for ourselves, it's like we're falling behind. So, understand where maybe you need to grow. What are the things you're good at, but also where are the places where maybe you need to learn more? I could have stood to learn more about communication. I have since learned. So identify those areas where you're not as strong because you don't feel so confident, and lean into that because the more you lean into that, the more you practice the more confident you're going to be, and the more confident you are, the more likely you are to continue to practice. And it's that virtuous cycle of confidence and competence. The better you are, the more confidence you have, the more confidence you have, the more you're doing it, and it feeds itself in a positive way. So if you are just coming out of a divorce or of a long-term relationship and you are looking for a supportive community, I invite you to join my Facebook group, Brave New You. We'd love to have you.