Create New traditions After Divorce

Since my family lives in Europe, I got used to celebrating Thanksgiving with my ex-in-laws. We would drive down to Delaware and we would go antiquing, we would play pinochle, we would cook together, and it was a great time. So when my marriage ended, I felt a void. And I was talking to my best friend and I told her that I wasn't really doing anything for Thanksgiving. She's like, "Come to my house, come hang out, I'm having everybody over." That was 13 years ago, and it's a tradition that is still ongoing today and one of my favorite times of the year. Traditions are important family markers. They provide comfort, stability. It's an opportunity for the family to get together a few times a year. And when we lose those markers because of a divorce, we need to recreate those in a way that is going to help us to move forward. New traditions are a way to anchor in a new life. They were our anchor in our previous life, emotional anchors, and they helped to contribute to that sense of identity. But with the new landscape in front of us, they help us to actually begin a new chapter of our life. And the good news is we can make those traditions anything that we want them to be. But first, we have to acknowledge past traditions. What they brought to us, how they made us feel, the comfort that they gave us because they had value and they were dear to us. One of the traditions in my family was that when it was our birthday, Mom would cook anything that we wanted to, so we could ask for anything. And it's something that I've brought into my new life is to be able to have those moments where our birthday is a special thing. And when we can say, "This is what I want for my birthday," it makes it that much more special. When I couldn't spend time with my ex-in-laws for Thanksgiving anymore, I had to go through a bit of a process of letting go and finding my new markers with my friends. Friendsgiving was a great way to make that transition because I was able to still celebrate the holiday, but instead of feeling down because I wasn't celebrating with my in-laws, now I'm able to celebrate with other people whom I love. So moving forward, you get to decide what traditions you keep and what traditions you let go of. And if you have children, give them the opportunity to also participate in what those new traditions should be. It'll give them a sense of continuity and a sense of belonging. So you can look at traditions in a different way. You have solo traditions, like you might want to take once a year a 2-week trip by yourself, right? That's a tradition. You have family traditions. What are going to be those touch points with family when you get together? And finally, you have friendship traditions. What are the things that you want to do with your friends? I know many people who will take a week at the end of summer, they rent a house at the Jersey Shore, and they all go and congregate and they have a good time for a week. So many different ways in which you can look at traditions. Traditions, when I hear that word, I often think about holidays, but they're not necessarily the same thing. Now you're still going to have to recreate what you want your holiday traditions to be, but you get to choose how those are going to look like. And you might be sad at having to let go some traditions, which is perfectly normal, but also get excited about the opportunity to create new ones. Whether it's new traditions for yourself, for your family, or with your friends. And it's not always going to be easy, huh? You're going to face some resistance. You might be resistant to the change, but it's also an opportunity to create something new. And if you face that resistance, especially if you have children and they start asking tough questions, that's where your communication skills are going to come in handy, because you're going to have to go through those explanations. You're going to have to say, "This is the reason why we can't do it like this." So when they're asking, "Why can't we go to Grandma's?" or "Why can't we do this the way that we used to do it?" explain the change and at the same time ask them, "How can we do this in a way that's more fun, in a way that celebrates how we used to do it?" And again, I've said this in previous videos, if you feel overwhelmed or if you need to talk this through, with someone, whether you tap into your support system or you have something more structured. Either way, it's okay to ask for help. Creating new traditions is part of the healing and the rebuilding process after divorce. And you might try some things and they don't work out, and you might do something once and you're like, this is it, this is a keeper. So be curious instead of nostalgic. There's nothing wrong with being nostalgic, But being curious is going to help you to keep moving forward. It's going to help you to create this new life. And I love this quote from W. Somerset Maugham, who says, "Tradition is a guide, not a jailer." So have some fun and create the traditions that you want to create.