From Facial Paralysis to Global Stages | Zoe’s Story of Courage & Visibility

Hello, heroines. This is Alex. Welcome back for another interview. We talked yesterday, Zoe, about, you know, Tea Time with Alex, right? I don't know if the name is going to stick, but for now it's Tea Time with Alex. But I wanted to bring Zoe in because she has a very interesting story and really a story of resilience, which I thought would be really, really good to share in the group. So Zoe, welcome.

Thank you, Alex. Thank you very much. I know I love— I have to say, I love The Awakened Heroine. Just beautiful title.

Thank you.

Concept as well.

Yeah, you know, it's funny because I was trying to come up with a name and I had a different name before. And when my boyfriend and I were going back and forth about potential names and everything else, As soon as we came up with that, I started crying. I was like, okay, that's the name, that's the name, that's it. So yeah, excuse me. So, um, Zoe, why don't we start? Just, you know, tell us who you are and tell us a bit about your story.

Right, well, yeah, my name's Zoe. I'm British, or British German. I'm based in Germany. I've spent, oh dear, the last, oh, 20 odd years in Germany, based in Germany. I was born in Germany, but in between, and I spent— I studied, I studied and worked in the UK, also in Ireland, the Republic, and also in Japan. And I have— for everyone who's wondering why I look different, it's because I have a facial paralysis of a certain kind. So I was born with Moebius syndrome, or yeah, Moebius syndrome, and that's a rare disease— not really disease, a rare condition— and it means that two cranial nerves are not developed properly, and it means that Most people with this have very little to no facial expression. And studies show, for example, that facial expression, the lack of or very limited facial expression, is actually associated— there's a non-conscious reaction with many people where there is this assumption that the person in front of them maybe had a lower intelligence or has difficulty understanding things because, because of course they cannot react in the way that people are used to. They don't have this non-verbal, this hugely important non-verbal communication tool that Those people do.

So it's because they're not getting the feedback visually that they would expect to get in a normal, quote unquote, normal conversation.

Yes. Yes.

Okay.

Okay. Yeah. And, and so let's say I was used to, and I say sometimes if I had a dollar for every microaggression, every every look, every snide comment, or every remark like, "You don't belong here." If I had a dollar for all, every time that happened, I would probably be quite rich, and from a very early age. But for some reason, So I grew up as a child, I was still in the Republic of Ireland, and I, for some reason, decided very early on, well, I'm going out anyway, I'm doing what I want to do. There are things, fear, and also fear is not a reason not to do something. And sometimes there was fear of going outside. You never know, because of course, I had these daily interactions with people, say, ooh, and children, of course. And I thought, well, I'm still going out. And actually, a key, I think a key moment was when I left the Republic of Ireland. So when I was 9, my parents, my brothers and sisters, we went to Germany. For my father's work. And not until about 10 or 11, we learned, I learned the language very, very quickly because we had full immersion. And not until about 10 or 11 that I was, I went to a local little amateur theatre with my mother. And there was only 2 or 3 people on the stage, but it was fascinating to me. The scene scenery, all the scenery, the costumes, the dialogue, which I could then understand. And I thought, wow, and there was just this immediate reaction, I want to be on a stage like that someday. And there was no thinking at the time, there was no thinking, oh, I look different. I was aware that I looked different, but the wish to be on that stage overruled anything else. And my mother said, "Ah, well, if you want to be, then go." And she didn't do anything for me. And this was wonderful. I said, "Oh, if you want to go, go and ask that person over there. She looks like she's organizing things. Go." So I went myself. And I have to say, that was the beginning of a wonderful episode in my life. From about 11 till 18, 19 years before when I left school, I was constantly in this, I was in this group, and we would often be performing. Yeah, we had performances and sometimes did performances in other places as well. And it was, it was amazing because I felt in my element. I, I knew, of course I knew what, um, stage, let's say stage, a little bit of nervousness or excitement was like. But I also came to become worried on those rare occasions when I didn't feel anything, because I knew that was a warning sign. Oh, I need— so a little bit of excitement, I realized this is what I need, this is normal. And again, the mindset of any fear that you might have, okay, that's something to walk through, it's not something to veer away from. And today I realize, let's say, so not so, so of course I had this, I have a corporate job. I still have a part-time corporate job. But let's say I had some fairly unpleasant experiences there, maybe 15, let's say about 15 years ago. And let's say I don't want— I mean, we could go into detail maybe, but when I found a way to get curious and to find what can I do about this or what other direction can I go in, one of the things that came to me was going back on stage. But not in a theatre. But what happened was that I found, I found myself on stages being me. So I no longer had to play a role, but I am now on stages being me and speaking my truth and my vision. And it seems that I mean, this is the wonderful thing. It's not just me who's having fun. It seems that people around me come to me and say, wow, that was— thank you for sharing. So, and part of the things now that this going on stage thing is my purpose, because that is the ultimate a very clear way of being visible. And that was something I, I'm almost allergic to. I, I'm very introverted actually, and I just like to clear this myth that you need to be extrovert to be on stage. And so I am Absolutely not. I can be extroverted, basically I am very much an introvert. I get my energy from the quiet, from, but I love being on stage. And it's about, I've been made, I felt, I feel uncomfortable when I get the feeling that I am supposed to be hidden away. So I can hide away— sorry about that— I can hide away when I need peace and quiet, and that's absolutely fine. But I do not like it. It's, yeah, I do not like it when I get the feeling that because I'm different, because I'm a woman, because I'm this or that, that I need to be hidden away. I need to take a back seat. That's and going on stage and speaking about the things that I've experienced. I see this as a way of being not myself just being visible, but making this, these issues visible across the world. So visibility is key for me.

Yeah. No, and I've completely see what you're saying. And I feel like you talked about being on stage and coming kind of alive on stage. And I think there's something beautiful that happens when you're on stage because there's an energy transfer between you and the audience, right? There's a receptivity, there's an exchange, and it makes you come alive, but it also makes the audience come alive.

It's, yeah. So, I remember, I mean, something that was quite shocking for me. I did a bit of speaker training. A couple of years ago, I did a bit of speaker training, it was. And what we would do every weekend when we got together, this group of 15 to 20 people, we would give a 8-minute, 10-minute speech on a certain topic. And it happened regularly that people would become very emotional when I was on stage. And it distressed me greatly. And until the moment that my mentor said, you've reached them, you've touched them, your message has really, really landed with them. And yeah, and I sometimes think now, I feel very, very humble and think, wow, okay, this is out of my control. This is something that I just need to do the best I can, and that it's something that's sort of flowing through me towards the other people. It's, I, I guess I see it as an act of service of some kind or another.

Definitely, I can, I can see that. So I want to go back to what you said before, because for women who are coming out of a long-term relationship or a divorce, fear of not knowing, you know, maybe who they are or not knowing where to go from here. There's a lot of uncertainty. But you said before, fear is not a reason not to do something. So what are some easy things from your perspective that women can do to get over the fear of, I don't know what to do, or where do I go from here? Or whatever might be going through their mind.

So this is right now, I feel like my— I spoke earlier about this, and I feel right now as if a marriage of mine is ending. So I am just a bit I married this year. However, I have been married to a company for the last 26 years. And right now, right now, I've got this feeling right with me right now. It's very present. And because there's the question, do I stay, do I go? Both very similar. And of course, part of me is going into the catastrophizing scenarios, and I'm sure that is something that if I was leaving a marriage, that would be something I would— if I was leaving or considering leaving a marriage, how do I survive? I don't know. I only know this. I only know what I've been And it can be more comfortable to stay in the relative discomfort rather than go out, outside into complete unknown territory. And what right now I'm doing is, and what I was doing in earlier challenges that I had was, this is so It is very difficult to bear. So to write about— the first thing to know is to realize we can get stuck focusing on the difficulties because they're very real, they're very present. But there we need— I hesitate to say this, but the word discipline, but Basically, what we also need to be aware of is that if we're just stuck here, and it's very normal, very understandable, that we need to find a way to focus on the what if, and not what if it goes wrong, but what else could be out there for me. And at the moment, I mean, so that could take all kinds of forms. And who am I? I mean, it could be identity work. I work with them. Who do I want to be? Do I want to be this wife? Do I want to stay this, just this wife? Or do I just have this identity as a wife, which And, or do I have other identities? What other roles have, do I have? What other roles might be attractive? And this can take, I mean, I would talk to people. I mean, I spend time, I'm very careful when it comes to spending time with certain people at the moment. And so in my case, people who don't have the experience— let's say, to make a similarity here, to make the parallel— people who don't have experience of being married, or let's put it differently, somebody who has the experience of being married but who also has never had the experience of leaving a marriage, they may tend to say, they may tend to veer on the cautious side and say, ah, what, isn't it, isn't it better to stay? And whereas it might be, and this is something I would do, and I do for my situation, I would see if you can find people who are in the same boat as you or who've been through this, who've come out the other side, to show you, because there are plenty of these people around, if you can find them, if you focus on finding them, because they will show you, ideally they won't push you in any direction, but they can show you that there is an alternative to what you think might be the only option right now. And so talking with people, sometimes writing about it. And also, I love meditation. I love meditation because it, because we can get very much into this fear and it's this bodily response. And there are exercises to help you understand that the fear that you're experiencing can be mitigated also by just something as simple as accepting the fear right now, but also changing your body posture. Just yesterday, I think I had a situation where I thought, I'm going into my head again. And just fantasizing, catastrophizing. I think I need a change of— I literally just got up out of my chair and out of the desk and went to the balcony here and just looked out and said, yes, the fear is real, and what if there's something else? And What else can you focus on? What could you do now to distract yourself? And I'm not saying that we shouldn't focus on the fear. We should take the fear seriously, but also breathe through it. So breathing somatic, sorry, breathing exercises, meditation, movement, drinking water actually as well. These are all bodily self-care to mitigate the feeling of fear. And not to say, oh, you're stupid, get out of that fear. Accept the fear because the fear is there. It is unfortunately there to be felt. But then it's a signal. It's a signal. Yeah. But to focus then, and in times of crisis, I go through this so-called peace process, which is essentially accepting, feeling the fear, feeling where the fear is in my body and allowing it to intensify for a minute, for 2, 3, 5 minutes, because it's like a fire. It's a fire. And if we allow it to be present for a moment, for 5 minutes or so, it will eventually die down if we can also be using breathwork, for example, to move through that fear. And eventually it will die down. But it's a process that I've learned, which has helped me enormously, also through the odd panic attack.

The breath is really amazing because it makes us pause, it makes us reflect, all of— and it can pull us away from the emotion in the moment of whatever we are experiencing. So it's really a wonderful way to reset in a way and to, to make things smaller and more manageable.

Manageable. Absolutely right.

So I want to go back to what you said before about the group that you found when you were in school where you got to be on stage, because it sounds like you found your peeps. You found a community that you could be a part of and that was that it sounds to me felt supportive and inclusive. How important is it for you from your perspective to have that community around you in time of need?

Um, it's— I was going to say it's almost— I'd almost like to say it's the be-all and end-all. It is so important, this sense of belonging. So, yeah, I mean, right now I have various people I have to interact with and I act at work who are quite okay, quite okay, but Right now, I've left work and I thought, like, I need to find my people, my entrepreneurial people, my speaker people. And it's so refreshing because I suddenly, because often if you're with the, let's say, the wrong people, people who don't quite understand what we're going through, or they have a certain opinion, of how we should behave. And yet you don't feel as if you belong, or you think maybe are questioning, is it me or is it them? Who's right here? And I don't believe, yeah. So finding our people is just so, it gives you back your sense of sanity. Literally, that is so important.

And I want to go back to also what you said about showing up authentically and being able to be yourself. When we find communities where we can be that, it's— it changes the whole dynamic of everything.

So, of course, I've been through burnout the last, or this is now the second time. This was a really fairly dramatic last year. And trying to be some, some of the people who were not, or trying to, this is a story of the last couple of years. I felt increasingly the need to perform in a certain way, and it has taken its toll in the form of burnout. And being able to be yourself and to behave in a way that is most authentic for you is also extremely helpful for your energy levels. I mean, And being with the right people, the people who understand you, who allow you to be who you really are, is inspiring for you. And it also gives you energy back. You can give them, to them, and they give back to you in terms of a huge energy exchange and Yeah, even that, that group, that theatre group, interestingly, it just happened to be— there was a theatre group inside the school, but I wasn't in that group. I was in a group outside of school. I had people of the same age, children of the same— teenagers of the same age, and we knew each other from different schools. But, and inside the school, I was having some difficulties. And if I hadn't found that theatre group, I would probably, probably have joined the school theatre group. But because I was already very much established in this outside group, that's where my people were. And they gave me strength. Even in school, where I had a few difficulties as well.

Yeah, the, the support that they bring is invaluable. I want to switch gears a little bit and ask you, in your life, because you've had such a rich life experience, um, we talked about working through fear, we talked about showing up authentically and being who you are. What are some other lessons that you think would be valuable for our heroines to know as they're going through this transition from coupled to uncoupled?

Um, so one of, one of the things as well is, um, looking so I don't know, of course, what, how much, of course, people are engaged, are doing with their husbands, but I would look for groups, I would look for activities that light you up, whether that is going back, maybe it hasn't been possible. Maybe the commitments have been such that it's been very difficult to go back to hobbies or pastimes or people, friends, old friends, or new friends. There hasn't, because there can be this, on the one hand, this sense of loss. Of course, it's a sense of loss. And at the same time, to get curious. And one of, so in my TEDx talk, I was talking about acceptance. And so I had these 3 steps. This was, it was about overcoming rejection in this case, but accepting the situation. And practicing acceptance, because it's quite dramatic. It's, let's be honest, it's a dramatic situation really, but especially if you've been married for 10, 20 years, you've maybe got children involved as well, but to accept this is the situation now, and because if we can come to a place of acceptance and self— no, not so much self-judgment. This is the way it is. If we can come to that acceptance, okay, this is how it is. And I do this with meditation, for example, or journaling to see, is it really worth criticizing the other side? It's horrible. It can be difficult, very difficult. Who's to blame? But Instead of focusing on that, to say, to accept where it is, and that opens the door, this acceptance can open the door to you then getting curious about, okay, if that door is closing or that door seems to be, well, I'm supposed to be going through this other door, and it can then open the mind to curiosity. What's next? What can I do instead? Or what's What can I do now, perhaps, that I haven't had time for, such as going on holiday alone? Now, I don't know, that can be quite, could be quite frightening. I've spoken to people who said, oh, I've never been on holiday alone. But to consider that, or to see, is there anyone I could go with? Because that is quite a step. But it's something that, again, it's fear. But if you can work through that fear to get the curiosity, to develop this curiosity, and curiosity can beat fear. And to take a tiny step, and they can only be, they can be tiny steps. Like, I'm just going for a night I'm just going to a hotel or to somebody's place for one night and out of my usual town, for example. But it gives you the opportunity to change your perspective, literally change your perspective, change your location. And so that one step may eventually lead to the next step. But take it gradually as well. Not, you don't need to jump in at the deep end. And because actually what I was talking about in my TEDx talk was acceptance, curiosity. So, if you've accepted, if you can accept it to some extent, you can develop this curiosity, what's next, and start to try out things. And what I was then talking about was connection. And because you've lost a huge connection, you're in the process of losing a huge connection. But what if there was something else out there? And I'm not necessarily talking about a new relationship, but finding a new, finding old or new connections in female friends or or even male friends or siblings even that you hadn't had time for.

Or even with yourself.

With yourself, with yourself indeed.

Yeah, well, I think that's a great summary of everything that we talked about today, Zoe. So thank you so much for having a TED Talk that you could deliver in a very short amount of time. So thank you. I really just wanna say thank you so much for being here and for sharing your story.