How Lauri Broke Free from Relationship Patterns and Reclaimed Her Power

Hello, heroines. This is Alex. It's nice to be back after a, about 10-day break from my oral surgery. So A, I'm glad it's over, and B, I'm glad to be back with you. And today I have the honor of having Laurie McKean here with us. She's our first interview in the group since I went offline about 10 days ago. So Laurie, welcome. Thank you.

I'm very excited to be here and participate.

I'm happy that you're here. So why don't we just get started with the basics of, you know, where are you from and tell us a little bit about what you do and why.

Yeah, well, I am in Eugene, Oregon in the US, and I am a person— I, I work with women. I work with women to basically kind of around health and wellness and also relationships and to create a sense of empowerment and happiness so that they can really live their best lives. So I do that coaching one-on-one, and I do it also in some group act— group activities as well.

And I love that because it's totally in line with what the mission of the group is. We're all about empowerment and definitely not getting stuck in that icky victim kind of kind of a place. So absolutely. So tell us a little bit about your, your story. How did you come to do what you do?

Well, it's interesting because I have— I, I feel like I've, you know, basically been in the world of women's empowerment since, you know, I was in my late teens. I was doing a lot early on in the anti-sexual assault world And then I went more into healing. I was an acupuncturist, Chinese medicine practitioner, and I was doing, you know, and I was also a Tai Chi and Qigong instructor doing Chinese art. So I was helping women. I was, you know, doing all this work in the healing arts, and I kept running into the same roadblocks, the same obstacles over and over again in my relationships. And it ended up like I would be miserable. I would feel stuck. I would be like, you know, I mean, at times even like, just like, what's the point? I don't even want to live. And I just kept thinking, okay, well, if I could just get out of this situation, whether the situation was a work situation or with the relationship, if I just got to get out of this situation and then everything will get better. And it would, it would get better for a little bit, and then I'd go back into the exact same patterns, recreate it in a different situation. And finally, I mean, I was in 4 different long-term, you know, monogamous relationships. And after the fourth one ended, this was in my late 40s, uh, after the fourth one ended, I said, wow, this is— there's a pattern here, and I'm the common denominator. Um, I really need, want and need to look at what's going on underneath here because obviously just changing the external circumstances in my life is not creating long-term happiness, long-term sustainability. So I started doing, you know, out— going outside the, the healing work that I had already learned and combining it with more of the personal growth work as well, and more the psychological work. And that point I really started being able to change the underlying patterns that were kind of driving my life story. And huge, huge changes since then. So it's been a really wonderful and difficult journey.

It's not for the faint of heart, is it?

No. No, it isn't. These, these journeys, these human journeys are— they can really ask a lot of us. And but there's a lot of— so much beauty in the learning, so much beauty in the discovery as well.

So yeah, I agree. I noticed that in my own, in my own life as well. And I want to go back to what you just talked about a little bit earlier in terms of obstacles and roadblocks. Do you feel comfortable sharing what some of those things were? Maybe I'm thinking somebody in the group would benefit from, and maybe they would recognize themselves in what you might have gone through.

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, one of the, the primary ones— there were a number and they're, they're kind of intertwined— but one of the primary things for me, and, and you know, no perfection, no myth of perfection here, I'm still working on it, is that the sense of other people's desires, other people's concerns are more important than mine and that I need to just, I need to help other people. And, you know, I used to think that that was of service and it was noble and very wonderful thing and not to say that it isn't, But I started recognizing that underneath that noble cause was my own lack of self-worth and deservingness. And it was like, well, if I just keep proving myself to this person, like a partner or a relationship, if I just keep proving myself to them, to myself, then 'At some point I will feel like I deserve and I'm worthy.' And, and that was really the underlying layer that I didn't recognize for a long time. Yeah, so that would be one of the big ones, just being able to start saying, you know, to recognize my own strength, my own worthiness, and to recognize that my own needs and my own desires were as important as anyone else's. And I think you even spoke to this this morning on your livestream, in that being able to start to— being able to voice them to other people and express my needs and desires to other people, that was— that's really key and really important. And to not feel like that is selfish, but instead, you know, we have this idea that are, you know, it's selfish to put ourselves first. And really what I've learned and really love playing with now is how do we create the both/and? How do we create the win-win? It's not like your needs first, my needs last, but how can we really like find the balance and the place where, you know, especially in a relationship, both persons' needs are being met. That's where it's fun and juicy for me.

Yeah, no, totally. And I think when you were talking about having to prove yourself and feeling like you deserve, I get exhausted just thinking about that.

Yeah, it is exhausting. And I assume you too. I certainly know that from experience. And, um, and for women especially, I think it's just like, again, it's part of the culture, it's part of how most of us were raised, is that, you know, you just, you give, you give, and, and it is, it, even if it's exhausting, that's just normal. And I want to just say that that is not normal. And it's not only exhausting when you add in the resentment that builds up or add in the other stuff. It's like there's, there's, there's the fatigue and the exhaustion, but there's also just this dampening of our spirit, dampening of our joy, dampening of our passions that happens, and that really adds to the exhaustion. So Getting out from clearing some of that, just like, oh, it's life-changing for sure.

It is. And it also, I think, helps us to show up for others better. Absolutely. When we know ourselves and we know what makes us tick, we know when we can show up as really the best of who we are. Then everybody wins. But society has us conditioned to think that if you're not always serving— yes, that, you know, and I use serving in the grand, you know, with the bigger serving, but whether it's our spouses, our kids, you know, family and everything else, it's like there is that inherent worthiness attached to if you're serving, then you're worthy. If you're not, if you put yourself first, then it's bad dog, no biscuit.

Yeah, absolutely. And it, you know, it goes back to that, you know, that cliché of, you know, put your own oxygen mask on first. Because, you know, when we are resourced, when we are feeling in our strength, in our purpose, in our joy, um, there is just so much we can give from that place than from giving or serving from a place of like, I'm tired, I'm resentful, I don't really want to be doing this, you know. I mean, the energy of those two is just so different. And, and neither one— I mean, it's not more noble, um, to, to serve from the grumpy, tired place. It's just miserable, right? Like, what's the point? We want to be— you know, I personally want to be happy. I want to You know, and, and I know that my happiness affects other people, you know, and, and that's— it gives them permission to be happy as well.

Yeah, completely agree. And just to build on what you said, I think people feel it when you're serving from a place of obligation versus from a place of really coming from the heart. They, they feel that the energy is off. So it's also not as nice for them because then they're like, oh, I'm putting her out, and I know I am, but she's being nice and she's not saying anything.

Yeah, yeah. It's just, I, I wish you said that. I was like kind of envisioning this strange cycle between two people where they're just, you know, you're just kind of dancing in this quagmire of like, well, maybe she doesn't really want to be helping, or maybe I don't want to be this, or, you know, and they're just kind of this quagmire of energy of like unspoken resentments or questions. And it's like, yeah, when, when somebody knows that you're showing up fully happy to show up and serve, that is, is such a gift to them. And, and they, like you said, they will feel it, the whole dynamic, the relationship. The energy, the exchange between two people will be completely different.

Yeah, it has the potential to deepen the relationship versus potentially just drive a wedge, right?

Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that you brought that out, that the potential for, for deepening and true connection, authentic connection, and more understanding is so much greater in that, in that other dynamic of the, the serving, you know, out of joy and inspiration versus obligation. Yeah.

So when you work with your peeps, I don't know if you work just with women or men and, and women.

Um, primarily women.

Yes. Okay. So tell us a little bit about that. Like, what's a really, like, good success story, that juicy success story that you can share about just changes and evolutions that you've seen?

Yeah, I— it's, it's so interesting because, um, you know, I'm thinking of one woman I've worked with just very recently, and, uh, and she you know, came to me partially because she could sense, um, that there was more. She was like coming out of just in that phase of going into retirement, and so like she came partially because of like, I'm, I'm in this transition, I need some support around what that means. And part of what she wanted was actually to be able to feel more joy in her life. And more happiness. And she had a sense of needing to hide it from like her spouse or other people because they were kind of in more of a kind of grumpy, hard place. And, um, and so being able— for her, I work a lot with people energetically, um, so not just cognitively but energetically and emotionally. So we cleared out a lot of the old patterns from her childhood, her Catholic raising in childhood of like, you know, guilt and blame and, and having to, you know, take care of her family because her father was alcoholic, you know, all sorts of, you know, factors that were, were in there. And so we, we worked kind of moving through those and then really worked with her kind of staying in her center energetically with what she wanted and not, um, coming out with her husband, like trying to fix her husband or fix other people, fix things for them, make their lives better, but instead to like be there at present for them, but very different than trying to fix things for them. And it's great because her kids, her girls are now in college and her girls are like, "Yeah, Mom, we don't need you to fix us." Like, you know, so she already was beginning that mirror, right? And so the interesting thing was, you know, of course, yes, her happiness and her sense of purpose and all of that sense of power and empowerment really did change. And the interesting thing that she really didn't expect was that her relationship with her husband really started shifting. And it was not because she was trying to get him to do things differently. It was simply because when she was able to really stay in her own energy, in her own power, and claim what she wanted in the relationship, his defensiveness, you know, all of a sudden was just like there was nothing for it to attach to. Like, he might still have a moment of defensiveness or like lashing out, but then he would be like, it would just kind of deflate, and there was a softening. And so they're in this whole new dance together of, um, you know And, and it's in process. Of course, it's not just like, yay, and everything's perfect now, and we, you know, but there's an— there's a change where there's now openings for her, the, the conversations to happen, that those openings weren't there before. It was— it was— he was creating like walls. And instead of her saying, you're creating walls and you just stop creating walls, we need to take down your walls, she simply rested into a different place in herself. And the walls— she was just like, I can't believe it, the walls are coming down. So yeah, that was, that was one of my favorite. It's been just such a joy to, to work with her. But that's, that's an example of some of the magic that can happen when we really start to align again. You know, my— the name of my business is Aligning to Love. And it's like, it's all about that alignment mentally, physically, emotionally, and energetically and spiritually to ourselves, loving ourselves. And then that creates a whole different dynamic with others.

Yeah. And I love that story because I think a lot of women would believe that if we do for others, if we try to fix things for others, that we are, and it comes from a good place, right? It comes from a place of service. It comes from a place of, absolutely, of wanting to support the people that we love. And I noticed that I did it in my previous relationship, and I have to catch myself not to do it again here.

Me too.

It's incredibly disempowering for the guys.

Yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. I think there is a, um, you know, I could talk for hours about that masculine-feminine dynamic and, and yin-yang dynamic, energetic dynamic. And, and there is a, you know, when we as women, um, kind of, kind of go in and be like, tell the guys you got to change things, you've got to do this, we've got to do this, and instead simply say— really honor our own truths. Not the like, you need to do this. It's more of, this is what I need, this is what I'm feeling, this is my experience. That is a very different dynamic for, for the masculine to respond to when it's like Simply, we are so anchored into our own experience and expressing our own experience and emotions. That changes. But instead, we have gotten in the habit— often a lot of us have gotten in the habit of like, I need you to do this, you need to change, you need to, you know, and, and that's, yeah, as you said, disempowering for them. It may feel empowering temporarily to us But again, we want that win-win. We want that both and. We don't want to feel empowered because somebody else is feeling disempowered. We want both sides to feel empowered to have true change, sustainable change happen.

And I would even say, I don't— at least for me, I didn't feel empowered. I didn't, because I didn't want to always have to tell him what to do. Like, that's not— I'm not his mom, right? So it's really— it changes the dynamic when we can be in our feminine, right? In our being. In that when we can show up like that, guys want to serve us. Yeah, I want to be there. They want to support us. They want to give us what we want. But when we go like this, then they're like, nope.

Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, it is. When I said it feels empowering, or it's a temporary— for some women who haven't been able to speak up before, to even speak up feels like empowering. And but it's a temporary empowerment. So, you know, if it's, if it's a kind of a nagging, you need to do this kind of energy behind it. Yeah, yeah.

But so much, I think— go ahead. No, I was just gonna say, I think you can— I could talk all day about this stuff. This is all the juicy stuff that, you know, we don't often get to talk about, but Laurie, I just want to say thank you so much for being here and for sharing your story and your stories with your peeps.