How One Moment of Self Care Changed Everything | A Journey from Trauma to Empowerment

Hello, heroines. Happy Friday. Today I have the pleasure of having this discussion with Denise. Oh God, Denise, I forgot your— Denise Day. I was trying to figure out which one came first.

So that's so funny. Whatever works. There you go.

So Denise is like me, an empowerment coach. So I thought it would be really interesting to bring her in and give you also an opportunity for her to share her perspective on things. So Denise, why don't we just get started with who you are, where you're from, and what it is you do?

Okay, well, I'm Denise Day and I live in Northeast Ohio, USA, and I always love to share that I live in the fourth largest Amish community in the world. Uh, so I always say, because now I always have a habit of glancing out my office window because I have two Amish farms right across the street from me. Uh, so I live in a very rural community, obviously, and it's beautiful and quiet and, uh, a lot of nature, and that's who I am. So yeah, I live in a beautiful area. I have a daughter and an 11-year-old granddaughter who is the light of my life and the love of my life. Um, so I want to give a shout out to them as well. And, um, Alex, uh, like you said, I am an empowerment coach and I love the word empowerment because I believe many of us amazing women need to understand that that's within us. Sometimes life just knocks us around. Not sometimes, most of the time life knocks us around and we forget. That we, we have, we have everything we need within us. It just kind of gets buried sometimes and things like that.

I fully agree with you. I feel like, and society also wants us to forget that we are as powerful as we are.

Yeah, and, uh, we need to let society know that's not going to happen anymore. Yeah, but, uh, I, I started on this journey a couple years ago, and it's actually— so I, let me backtrack a little bit. So I grew up as a chronic people pleaser. I didn't realize that that was what I was. I learned one of my poor coping mechanisms was manipulation, and I didn't even know that's what I was doing, uh, because I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. My dad was very abusive toward my, toward mom. And I have 3 brothers. I'm the only girl. Um, so, you know, I was, I was about, I think, 10 or 11 when my parents finally divorced. So, you know, here I am, this scared little girl, not knowing if Happy Dad's coming home. Is Mean Dad coming home? If Happy Dad does come home, is he going to become Mean Dad? You know, that walking on eggshells. That just wanting peace and calm. So that's where the people pleaser in me started to come out and manipulating, because I do not like confrontation. Scares the tar out of me. I get triggered. My whole nervous system goes crazy. Even if my mind says to me, sure, okay, you're safe, you know, it's, it's still getting, um, still sometimes that nervous system, you know, regulated and, and things like that. So that's how I became, um, a recovering people pleaser, I like to say, because I don't— like I said, I just wanted everything calm. So whatever I could do to make everybody happy, I am going to do that. Uh, so that's again how I, I kind of started out with some poor skills, but they worked for me at the time. That I needed them to, because, you know, we have that survival brain. And, um, so that survival brain was helping me survive and things like that. So I'm not going to bash that or anything like that. It worked when I needed it to work, right? And also, uh, just a couple other things to kind of let everybody know a little bit of where I was, even just growing up a little more. I was, um, sexually assaulted about the age of 11, 12 years old. Um, that was something that I just pushed away. Um, never really thought much about it. Or when that started to creep up, I was like, it's done, it's over with, Denise, you're strong, just keep going forward. I, I tell people that, um, my coping mechanism also was just push through, push through, push through. Take all those traumas that happened to you, Denise. You know what? They happened. It's over with. Just keep going. I tell people I was like a bull. I, I used to say bull in a china shop, but I'm not like— I'm athletic, so I don't knock things over. But I guess I kind of do if you think about it spiritually, mentally, emotionally. I was just knocking all those things out of my way because I didn't want to deal with them. So I just kept pushing and pushing. And you know, my mom tremendous role model because she ended up raising 4 of us. She worked 2 jobs to make ends meet. And so, you know, that's how I saw my mom. So I, I think— I still think about this— that's how I thought I should be because I just saw my mom as this very capable, strong woman raising us, um, again working 2 jobs. Just get food on that table and things like that. She always laughed, she always smiled, she never bashed my dad one day in her life. In fact, my dad passed, I think, 4 or 5 years ago, I can't remember now, and he was in hospice. Um, my two older brothers had nothing to do with my dad once he left. Um, my younger brother was kind of hit and miss, I was hit and miss. And, um, my mom looked at me when I found out my dad was in hospice, and she goes, you have to go be with him. And I was like, what? Why? You know what I mean? And I thought, well, if the woman that was so harmed by this man tells me I need to go be with him because that's the kind, loving thing to do, I went and did it. And I spent like 3 months you know, going to where he was. He was about, about an hour away from where I live. And I am so grateful I did that. I learned a lot of things about my dad, um, that may— that helped him become who he was. So, um, there was forgiveness in my heart that went on, and I got to see a dad that I never got to see before. So that was really awesome. So that was part of where I came from as well with that. So there was healing with that. I was there when my dad passed away, um, and I'm very thankful for that. And then I also— one of the other, um, big traumatic things that happened in my life was that I had, uh, twin daughters, and my daughter Brenna was stillborn. I'm gonna get choked up just for a minute because she would be 28 next week. So May can be really tough for me. Um, so I have my daughter Katie, who will be 28 next week, who has also had a lot of trauma in her life. She was a teen parent, so my granddaughter's 11. Katie was 16 when she had my amazing granddaughter. Uh, my daughter had been, um, horribly bullied in school. She's neurodivergent. We didn't know that at the time because that just wasn't a thing, um, when she was growing up. We just realized this about a year ago. Uh, she was sexually assaulted. So there's been a lot of things that I didn't even consider trauma in my life. I didn't have a whole heck of a lot of support from my husband. Um, in the areas I needed it going through all of this stuff. He is my ex-husband now, um, but one— he's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. He really, really is. But I, I reached a point where things weren't aligning anymore with who I wanted to be. And, um, on our 29th— the day before our 29th wedding anniversary, I left. I left and I never looked back. I just knew in here I was miserable. I was so unhappy. I was becoming somebody I didn't want to be. I'm like, I was snapping at everybody, and when I start snapping at my granddaughter, I know there's an issue, you know. And I've helped— I helped raise her, so it's like I'm more of a parent than a grandparent too. Which is fine. But when I started snapping, and I actually started— guess what? Now it's affecting my health. My stomach's hurting. I'm not sleeping. I'm getting headaches. I am not doing the things I love to do. I'm not getting outside. I, I, I live outside. I, I work outside when I can, take the computer out there. Um, I'm not happy, and I'm not used to that because even though I went through all this stuff, I have a tremendous sense of humor. I love to have fun. I love belly laughing. I love of experiencing life. Excuse me. And that was kind of going away, and my peace inside and my joy. And I'm like, what's going on, Denise? And so remember I said I was a people pleaser? And, um, and for my 58th birthday— so that was 2 years ago— my 58th birthday, there was an event coming on with Matthew McConaughey. Some of you may have been on it. It was called The Art of Living.. And I'm like, oh, I love Matthew McConaughey. I like looking at him. I like listening to him. So I'm going to do this. And it was like in the middle of my workday and it was falling on my birthday. So I said, I'm going to gift this for my birthday to myself and take half a day off. I was a manager, so it was very easy for me to take off. My team that I had was phenomenal. They didn't need me. However, I started feeling guilty. Because of that people pleasing and all that other stuff. And I almost didn't get on that event, and something inside was so strong and said, Denise, you, you, you're getting on the event, you're doing it. And thank God I listened because it changed my entire life. It really changed my entire life. And what— and I didn't even know, Alex, what the— what he was going to be talking about. I had no idea. I just think he's cute. It was like, I can look at him my birthday. You know, I not just his— I just like Matthew McConaughey. And one of the first things he said was, he looked in the camera and he said, self-care and self-love is not selfish. You have to prioritize yourself. And I was not doing that at all. Never in my entire life was I doing that. And I looked up, I said, thank you, God, for pushing me and hitting me over the head to make me get on this event. And then that led me to another event. And that is when I was like, huh, I am— I think I want to go into this coaching business because I really want to help women like me know that we have so much within us. We need— we have a voice. We're important. We're worthy. We need to prioritize our needs and our wants, and it's not selfish. It's not. And we've heard the clichés, put your oxygen mask on before anybody else, and clichés don't really resonate with me because they're clichés and we hear them all the time, right? So it was just like having— hearing this Matthew McConaughey— it wouldn't have mattered who it was— this person say this and I felt like it was directed right toward me. It was at the right time when I needed to hear it. And so again, I got on this other event. They're talking about, you know, developing courses, coaching, online businesses. And I was like, hmm. And I had a job and I loved my job. I'd been working. My brother was my supervisor. I had worked with him. I had flexibility, all this other stuff. I was a manager. It was wonderful. But there was something inside me going, but that's not your passion, and that's not your mission, and that's not what you're called to do, Denise. And I was like, okay, but what is my passion? What is my mission? What am I called to do? So it was funny because I actually looked at my daughter and I said, hey, I said, I'm thinking about going into this coaching business. I have no idea how to do it. I don't even know what it means. But there's something inside me that will not let this go, and I know it. And she looked at me and she goes, Mom, you've been coaching people your whole life. You've just never realized it. And I looked at her and I said, well, yeah, I've been a volleyball coach. I coached volleyball for years. And I always use the sport, though, as a learning lesson for life. You know, I'm like, these girls aren't going to be professional volleyball players, you know, things like that. So my philosophy was always, I'm going to use the sport that I love to teach life lessons to the girls and be a role model for them. And my daughter goes, well, yeah, Mom, that's true. She goes, but don't you realize whenever you're like up at our local coffee shop or, or other places, people naturally come to you and start talking to you, and before you know it, they're telling you their problems and you're talking to them about it. And I was like, I have noticed that. I don't know why people do that. Because honestly, Alex, at the time I was actually quite an introvert. I was okay one-on-one, but I'm not in groups of people. I would be the one hiding in the corner, like, please nobody come up and talk to me type of thing. So it was really quite fascinating. And my best friend told me the same thing. She goes, Denise, she goes, wherever we go, people just are talking to you and you're talking to them. And before you know it, you know their whole life story. So I thought that was really confirmation that wherever this coaching business is going to take me, this is where I was supposed to be. Um, and that's basically how I did it. I, I left my marriage and started a business basically all in the same time. I tell people I did a 180 in my life and I just jumped in with both feet, not knowing, scared to death. Um, not knowing what I was doing, but that, that, um, that calling, I was not going to let me go, and I knew it. And then God, the universe, however, you know, people interpret this, um, everything was just being put in front of me. The people I needed to hear from, the people I needed to learn from, other people who were, um, you know, a few chapters ahead of me. And all that other stuff. And then the more women I talked to, I was like, oh my gosh, women, we all need help, you know. And I'm sure I see that with the ladies, you know, you talk to, Alex. And I— and it breaks my heart when I hear women tell me, Denise, I don't even remember what my dreams or my goals are. And, um, I have a client, she told me the same thing, and it just rips my heart a little bit. Or when I hear her I'm just not worthy because I've been told I'm not worthy. And it just hits me somewhere inside. And even though I've never been told those things, there's, you know, we still, because of society, you already brought it up, Alex, society teaches us women that we're supposed to do all of this stuff, do it well, And when we have our meltdowns because we're overwhelmed, because we are doing everything, now we're crazy, now we're this, now we're an emotional female. And, um, just too many of us are going through this. And again, the more I get into this, the more women I meet, the more I'm— it's, it's actually quite amazing to me, um, how many of us need help.

And it's interesting because first of all, I want to honor you for your journey because it's absolutely an amazing story, not just of what you've survived, but how you're now thriving and using your own experience to support other women. So I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for that.

Um, but I agree, I think it's amazing how the standards that are— that we have to live up to, right? We have to be the perfect mom. We have to be the perfect wife, the perfect— and it affects all women. It affects career women. It affects stay-at-home moms. Nobody is immune from what I've seen. So when we begin this journey, because in order for us to be able to help other women through it, we obviously have to do our own journey, or at least begin our own, our own journey. Um, how do you then, when you work with your clients, get them to really kind of rediscover their— those desires that have either been forgotten or buried so deep that it feels like they're— they just don't exist?

Yeah, that's a great question. You know, one of the first things I walk them through is making sure that they learn to give themselves grace. And I tell, you know, I'm like, I'm pretty sure you give grace and forgiveness to everybody else, but we're— because I sure as heck didn't. To myself. Um, so they never think about that. Give yourself grace because we are our own worst enemies. We're the ones that bash ourselves because of what's— what we see in society. And, you know, when our brain starts to believe that and starts to believe it, tells those stories, you know, and that lizard brain of ours doesn't know what's true and what's not true, so whatever you tell it, it believes. So, when you hear that enough, see that enough, we believe it. So, again, the first thing I say is give yourself grace. I tell them, celebrate every single win. If that win means you got out of bed today, that's a win. And they don't think about that either because they're only thinking about the negative and the negative. So, I try to really start, obviously, with some positive things. And I also let them know about how to start, like, really, how do you start your mornings? My morning habits changed my life, and I do them 7 days a week, not just during my weekday. And I had to set up boundaries with my family. And I said, listen, and my granddaughter, I said, I get up before everybody else. And I have about an hour, hour and a half to myself every single morning. And they know, do not come through those office doors unless it's a 911 call. And those were my boundaries. So in the morning, I get up and start the coffee. I have some water, and then I come in my office and I meditate and pray. I spend about 20 to 30 minutes doing that. It depends. I try to read a little bit, maybe journal a little bit. I go through some power themes. I, you know, same thing as affirmations. But for me, being the tomboy and empowerment person, and for the word affirmation is a little too fluffy for me, so I call them power themes because I'm an empowerment coach. But my power words, my power themes, and things like that. So I also talk to the women about how are you starting your day, and it doesn't— you don't have to spend like the time I have. I have a little more flexibility than some women because I work for myself now, you know, so I do have that flexibility. And I talk to them about that. And first and foremost, find 3 things you're grateful for in the morning before you start your day. I've had women go, Denise, I can't think of anything. And I say, what do you want to be grateful for? Then just do it that way. What do you want to be grateful for? So that's really how I start them, Alex. And the other thing I like to, to start towards the beginning of my sessions is you have to have your reason why. Whatever the goal is in your life, whether it's in work, you know, a relationship that you may want, you know, um, whatever it is, if your why is not strong enough, you're going to stop every time the challenge happens to you and the obstacles put in front of you, because it's going to happen. That's life. That's how we learn. That's how we become better people, hopefully. So I, I, I help them. I walk them through to find out. So if this is your goal, Why? And if that, that why has to hit you so hard in your gut, in your heart, that it brings up such a strong emotion— because our emotions are what drive us, they drive us, and those are the emotions are the things that drive us to make the decisions and to make the choices. So I tell them, if that emotion or if that why isn't strong enough, when that obstacle pops up in front of you, you're going to give up. You're going to give up and you're going to backslide. So for me, my why with everything I do right now is I'm not going back to where I was. I refuse. I'm not just talking in that marriage. I'm in actually a really good relationship right now. It's the best relationship I've ever had because I found my voice. I found somebody who allows me to be who I am in my crazy times when he— and he knows I just have to vent sometimes.. And then I'm okay. Somebody who does call me out when I need to be called out, who's honest with me. Somebody who holds me when I need to be held. Somebody who lets me be who I am. And I never had that before. I wasn't even looking for it. Here we go. I wasn't looking for anybody. I was like, no. And here we go. Somebody put this person in front of me, but has helped me be who I knew I was. I tell people, Um, my married name was Nash, and I told people, because I'm a people pleaser, I forgot the day in me and I became a Nash. I don't know if that makes sense, but I forgot because I'm feisty. I am. And I don't— I'm not ashamed. I'm not— I'm not going to make an excuse for it. I'm just— I'm, I'm like this. Um, I'm not like hardwired or anything. But my ex couldn't take that. I was dismissed whenever I would get to be me. And not— I'm not even saying I'm directly, um, yelling at him or coming down on him. Maybe something happened at work and I come home and I'm just like, I just need to get it out. But I was dismissed. He didn't know how to handle me, um, my true self. He didn't know how to handle the true Denise. So when I say I was dismissed, it was something as simple as, like, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay. So what did I learn to do? Bam. And as women, we know when we get quiet, that's not good. Not good at all, because we left. We're physically here, but we left.

Yeah. And it's, it's interesting to hear you say that because I think And you and I have had a similar journey in terms of finding the right— finding our, finding our person, right, after our relationship. And I think that one of the reasons is because we got to know and reconnect with who we are and not stopped making excuses for who we were, but really allowed ourselves to be. And being able to do that invited the person that could handle that.

Yeah, we attract them.

Yeah, exactly, because when we can't show up authentically, then the universe will bring us people that are going to fit that energy. But the moment that we give ourselves the freedom to be really who we are— and there's a whole rediscovery process that needs to happen after you know, after divorce or uncoupling. But it's so worth the journey.

And it is. And, you know, and I know it's hard. And a lot of people, men and women, because it's painful and it takes work and it takes discipline and it takes time. And, you know, in this world, a lot of people don't like that, just having to take discipline and taking the time and putting the work into it. And just real quick, um, something that happened to me actually last summer was, um, best way I describe it is I was brought to my knees. And I was waking up every single morning in anxiety, and I didn't know why. As soon as I woke up, my eyes, my heart was racing. I was sound asleep. I was sleeping really well. So it was very odd. My heart would race and I would immediately cry. And I'm like, like, this happened for weeks and weeks and weeks, and I was like, what is wrong? I was in anxiety all day. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I'm trying to focus on this business, and I thought, what is wrong with me? So, ladies, community, like-minded people, use them, reach out to them. In this amazing Awakened Heroine group reach out. I had to reach out to a community of people. I, I have, I have a coach and a mentor, and she has developed a phenomenal community, men and women. And I reached out to a couple of the people in that community, and I said, I don't know what happened, I know what's wrong, but I need some support, encouragement. I need some help. I need some mentoring. And that's when I discovered, Alex, that I did have PTSD from the things I experienced, because I didn't My daughter had told me that. I looked at her, and maybe that was my ego, I don't know. I'm like, no, I don't. Why would I? She's like, Mom, you lost a child. You grew up in an environment that was not safe. You were sexually abused. And I was just like, yeah, you know, huh, let me check that ego of mine, or denial, and/or, or all the above. And so that was really life-changing for me last year. And what you were just kind of going back to, what you were just saying, Alex, it was like God took every trauma that happened to me and brought it on me all at once and was like, you're not going anywhere now, Denise, because you have to go through this to become that person that you want other women to be. You can't ask them to be that if you're not there yet. Again, just be a chapter or two ahead of people and be honest with yourself and be vulnerable because that's what we need to hear from one another. You know, I tell people I'm in this empowerment coach and I am, and I've come a long way and I'm flipping proud of where I am right now. But I also want people to know that I still have hard days. Obviously, I don't myself. I wonder, am I worthy of what I'm doing? Um, my biggest fear isn't fear of failure, it's fear of succeeding, because then I know I have to level up again. And will I be able to do this again? And here comes this work again. So I don't have a fear of failure, mine's the opposite. So I just, I needed to get that in for last year because that was really life-changing for me. And I reached out, like I said, to communities, to people that I trusted and I knew that were, had the same stories I did. And we just need to do that. And that's why these groups like you have, Alex, are so necessary. And these— the coaches and the mentors and finding those people you resonate with and be able to have that relationship with, because that's where the magic happens once you can have those people in your life.

Completely agree with you. And I think piggybacking on what you're saying, yes, it's being empowered and being an empowerment coach is kind of like leading the way, right? We have to do our work first. But that also means we have to be willing to be vulnerable. We have to be willing to show when stuff's not working, when we're struggling through things, because it's part of the journey. And we don't just work on the surface stuff. We have to go underneath because if we don't get the stuff that's underneath, then the stuff that's on top isn't going to stick. Absolutely.

And that's what happened to me last summer. That was like, you know, Denise, you got to work deep, deep, deep that stuff that you never wanted to work on because it scared you and it hurt too much. And to be honest with you, I felt weak, and I don't like to feel weak. Who wants to feel weak? I don't like to play victim, and I do not like to feel weak, but it wasn't weakness. You know, it was just my mind, maybe society and the things like we talked about. I had those horrible, bad, wrong stories in my head. So, you know, empowerment isn't, you know, like this. Empowerment is empowering yourself to have that voice, to know you're important, but also to know that it is a journey that will never end. You know, that's why we're here. You know, it's a constant learning and growing. And evolution and everything like that. And then hopefully to have that ripple-down effect in the world. The more people we touch, maybe that ripple-down effect and that love and peace and all that other great stuff happens around the world. Agreed.

Fully, fully, fully agreed. Denise, thank you so much for so courageously sharing your story and your journey.