How She Healed, Found Herself, and Created a Conscious Relationship

Hello, heroines! I feel like I was just here, and that's because I was just here, just with a different guest. So now I have the pleasure of welcoming Rhi Duong to the group, and Rhi is a relationship expert. So I know we're kind of all in a different stage of our pre-divorce, post-divorce, in the middle of divorce, or uncoupling situations, but I had a lovely conversation with Rhi yesterday and I thought the best thing I could do is just bring her into the group. So, Rie, welcome.

Thank you so much. I just adore you, Alex. I am so happy to continue our amazing discussion yesterday. I couldn't get enough of it. So yay to booking some more meetings to continue that beautiful discussion.

Awesome. Awesome. So, you know what, let's just get started really easy. Tell us where you're from and what you do.

Thank you, I would do that. So I'm actually born in Cambodia. My parents escaped— yes, my parents escaped the Cambodian genocide in 1975. So of course in our country it wasn't safe to be there. So soon after I was born, we lived for 9 years in the Thai refugee camp, and then after that we were graciously accepted in Canada, uh, US, And Australia rejected us. So luckily we were accepted by Canada. And my business is Eternal Love. The reason why I started this business, because 5 years ago I lost my baby sister to depression and she suffered from a heartbreak as well as other factor. But one of the big reason was the heartbreak itself, um, through betrayal and whatnot. And she knows how much I love love. And that really hit home for me is that I realized life is really short. She was only 30. And she accomplished so much, can take anything with her. And I thought to myself, I have to take a hard look at my life, where it's going. And unfortunately, I realized I was in a 17-year marriage that was not a healthy one. So I filed for divorce, and I created this business because both her and I said we promised each other we would start a woman empowerment group or community organization to help people find their purpose, to live a thriving life. So here I am, continuing on with the legacy, even though she's in heaven kicking ass over there, I'll be kicking ass on Earth.

And one day you guys will be reunited anyways. But what a lovely tribute to, to your sister. So it's, uh, I mean, I have not lost a sibling. Um, I mean, eventually I know I will, but yeah, so my heart goes out to you. And thank you to your sister. So, uh, tell us a little bit about your personal divorce story. And like, because I'm trying to understand how it's— aside from the relationship with your sister and the promise that you made, yeah, your sister— how, how it shaped your life moving forward. Yeah.

So looking back, because I, uh, I'm gonna be launching my book on June 6th, Choose You, Choose Happiness. So proud of it. Took 2 and a half years to write the damn book, and the constant editing, it's nonstop. You want it to be so perfect. I really wanted people to be able to take the lessons out of my journey so they don't make the same mistake and go through the heartache that I've gone through for 17 years. But in my relationship, when I was writing that book, I was an inexperienced person. I was 21. I've never dated before. I met my ex-husband who was my first boyfriend, became my husband. He had 19 years different with me. And so here I was, 21, raising 2 kids that didn't belong to me and I mean, I was always up for the challenge and stuff, but the challenge was pretty big, um, and I thought love will conquer it all. But unfortunately, I learned it takes more than love to make a relationship work.

Yeah, and we wish it was that easy, right? Love will conquer all. And unfortunately, there is a bit more that goes— that goes into it. So With your experience, what would you say are the key elements that make a relationship work and that make a relationship strong?

So if I look at my— I was blessed to have a third chance at love, so I am so grateful for my wonderful, wonderful boyfriend, Leandro Alvarez. And so he came in my life after doing all of the work on myself. You need time to really heal, to really work on you, to know your patterns, your trigger, you You don't want to bring those baggage into your new relationship. So I worked hard on me to show up in the best version that I can. And he also came with baggage of his past relationship, had to learn from that and grew from that. So we were both two whole people coming together to join force, to create a vision for us as a team, but we kept our individuality. We did not want it to dilute our personality because I was lost. He was lost in his relationship. We didn't know who we were anymore. So all that just to say, to make a good healthy relationship, it has to be intentional. We have to prioritize our relationship above all. And I used to have this debate: your kid comes before you, or does your relationship come before you? Any man that tells me it was his kid, although I admire that, I would not date them. Yeah, I was like, nope, not for me, done that one. For 17 years, he prioritized the kids, and we were kind of left behind, and the gap got bigger and bigger, and we couldn't find each other after that. So in relationship, we really make it a priority. Yes, our kids are important, but it has to come from the leadership. The two people that really makes it all possible needs to nurture. So we make sure that intentionally every single day during our day that we stay connected, wishing him an amazing day at work, checking in around lunchtime. Depending on each person, people check in more frequently, less, but you have to work with together with your partner. And we also do little things to just show each other that we love each other, that we choose one another. So for him, he always clean out the kitchen, does the dishes for me in the morning so that I can wake up when I'm ready to work. I have a clean kitchen. I'm ready to tackle my day. I feel like I can conquer it all. And what I do for him is when he comes home from work, supper is cooked. I mix it in. I can't do it all the time, but we are so flexible with each other. So, so, supper is cooked. The kids come home. He doesn't have to rush and cook. So we do all these little things. He'll bring me my favorite coconut drink. When I'm feeling down, he'll make sure he'll go turn on the spa so that I can go and relax. When I'm busy working on my business, he'll keep himself busy, and I do the same. Yesterday, he was so tired, he was so exhausted, and then he had the kids and all of that. And even though I was extremely tired, had a really busy day, I knew I had more energy than he did. So I let him be with his kid because he hasn't seen his kid in a couple days, tend to his kid while I'm busy cooking meals and prepping, doing the dishes and making sure all of the foods are cooked away, and he's so grateful. And one of the other things that we do is we always say thank you to each other. It's such a simple thing, but it's important to recognize and show appreciation.

I love that. It sounds like if I was going to condense it into a really— it's you guys are in the relationship to serve each other.

Yes.

Because through service is how you show love to to each other.

You're dead on on that. Like, I had a— the last partner I was with, he was looking to be served. He was like, what you bring to the table? I bring a shitload of stuff, but if you can't see it, dude, get the fuck out.

But that's, that's part of it, right? It's knowing, knowing who you are and knowing your heart and knowing what your value is, right? What you do bring to the table, because When we know that, we can draw boundaries, right? When we're not sure, it's easy for those boundaries to be crossed. But when you have that certainty, it's like, not today.

And don't let those self-doubt come and dictate it, because we'll always have doubt. But really stay anchored with it and know what you're truly worth. Like, I know I'm a quality woman. I'm very rare to find. I'm extremely loyal, very hardworking, and I will not like once I'm in a relationship, there can be very handsome, prestigious men and all that. I don't see them. I don't know, my eyes are blind. I don't— the only person I see is my partner, and that is a choice that I made because I can have an eye that can look and, you know, be tempted by all of these different flavors and all of that stuff. But I honestly choose as a choice that I'm gonna be a loyal person and I'm gonna commit to only my one partner and be in awe and being in love with him. So because I practice this, I only see beautiful quality in my partner.

And I love what you said about it's a choice, right? Because it's not, you know, good relationships don't happen like this. They don't happen because, you know, we're breathing. They happen because we do the work.

Yes.

And we make sure that we show up for our partner, but we also show up for ourselves. Yeah. So what would you say to a woman who is come, you know, who was like me where I gave everything to my partner, but it was very much a give-take, right? So I gave, he took, instead of a give-give where both, both people give to, to the relationship. So How can a woman who is in a situation like that open up the conversation with her partner to say, you know, this isn't working? Like, how do you start engaging in that conversation?

So two things in there what you said, so I'm going to tackle them. So the first one is, if you're a giver, if you're a big heart person, you love giving, find a partner that has those values. So I have been with partners who are takers, who loves to take and take and take take, and it's never enough whatever I give them. So I'm currently with a partner who is just as much of a giver as I am. We both love giving, we both love pouring love to one another. So you could be a giver and be with a taker, but as long as the taker show appreciations and don't overtake where it's— it feels aligned to you, you're not overdoing it. But me personally, I like to be around a partner that it's mutual, that he's also a giver and I'm a giver, and we just love pouring into each other. That's what works best for me. I don't mind if he takes once in a while, like I take it as well, but as long as it feels balanced. The second thing that you said is, let's say, how do you bring up these discussions with your partner? Something, uh, I'll give you an example. Um, I always believe that if something bothers you, you should always voice it. Don't put it under the carpet because those things linger and you don't know, all of a sudden he might have done something unlike like not purposely trying to hurt you, but you kept it in your mind, that thing he did not do for you. You did not bring it up and you couldn't let it go, and it explode. And I didn't think that was fair for my partner. I used to do that in my previous relationship, and I didn't want to punish my current partner for something he didn't know. Most of the time, we as women think that a man can read our minds. They cannot. They are simple creature. They need a road map. To the roadmap. So please be clear with them and be gentle and be compassionate. I would just bring it up very lightly in a very loving way. I look for the right timing to bring up these type of topic, and I say it from an energy because there's a difference. I used to be the type of person where I say the wording, it's nice, but my energy was frazzo and was nervous and was wanting to demand stuff. So what he sensed was a contradiction, so he didn't do what I wanted. So before I actually asked something, I actually had to work on my energy, like really truly coming from a place of love, of compassion. And then I am not scared or have anxiety to ask him what I feel I'm entitled to, and I'm not imposing nor demanding. I'm just asking and put it out there and let him do the work. When a man feels like he's safe to do it, and even if he makes mistake, you're gonna support him and accept him for who he is. He wants to deliver, he wants to outlive and really show you that he can be the hero for you.

And I love that because I feel exactly the same way. I think if you're with a man who is whole, with a man who is, like you said, safe, yeah, there purpose in life is to support women. That's what they're here for. They're here for us, to support us, to encourage us, to love us, to cherish us. And a man who's not secure in who he is, or who has had a less than favorable upbringing, let's say, can bring a whole lot of trauma into the relationship. And you and I were talking yesterday, but my boyfriend has a history of just not a good relationship with his former partner. But we were talking yesterday and he always talks about, I'm his oxygen, because this is a place of safety. This is a place where he can truly step into his masculine and be and be my guy.

Mm-hmm.

So what kind of— how does one go about making— leaving that space or making that space for our guide to show up and be able to really show up as his best, best self?

That's a really great question. So two things to mention, you kind of put your finger on it, which is men who are healthy, men who are emotionally intelligent and mature. If you pick the wrong one, you can do all of the right stuff and it will still be disastrous. So that's what I've lived through in my past relationship. But currently I'm with a healthy man who worked on himself, has emotional intelligence, doesn't always have all the answer or the right answer all of the time, but he has enough self-reflection to be able to take a step back, integrate the information that I'm sharing, understanding I'm coming from a place of love and non-judgment, and then, you know, learn from it and come back and propose a solution that works for the two of us. So that's very crucial, choosing the right healthy men. So I've been with men who are emotionally immature. They cannot— like, it didn't matter, I could script the right perfect script of what to say coming from a place of compassion and love. I'm constantly walking on eggshells, and no matter what I did, it always exploded in my in my face, and I resented that. I hated that I couldn't have an honest conversation with a person that I trust the most to protect me, to have my back. A simple bringing up a concern would explode in my face. That's not a healthy relationship. Okay, so second thing, how does one bring that up in a way that is soothing, that creates that environment that has trust and, you know, each person really truly feels seen. So it takes time. Relationship takes time. I say relationship is like an aged fine wine. You can't rush things. You need to develop it, you need to nurture it, you need to cultivate it. So every little thing that you do, it's almost like seeing a bank deposit into your relationship. So when he opens up to you, I let him speak. I try to practice to not cut a man off. As much as, you know, you think as a woman you're talking and you're sharing your point, you're cutting each other's off, that's how conversation should be. Men don't always open up all the time, so when they do, please give them the space to finish their thoughts. The second thing is we are so good at multitasking as women, doing so many things and rocking it all, and we're so good at but when a man does something, we get programmed. I know I was very guilty of this, like being an independent woman, I think I can do everything better, right? So I've learned that I need to let my man do his thing even if it's not always perfect. So it tells him as a signal, I trust you, I trust you to lead in this relationship even if what you're doing is not perfect, I will stand behind you. So what it creates is that she loves me, she me. She trusts me to be able to figure it out, and if I don't figure it out, we will work together as a team. That kind of environment creates safety for both people to show appreciation, to show love, and we can work together to tackle the problem together and not together fight each other as the problem.

Yeah, it's you and I against the world, not you and I against each other in our world. So, and it's interesting that you say that because that's something I I also had to learn over the years. And even to the point where when we talk about men being in service to women, if somebody asks if I need help, if I'm carrying groceries or if I'm, you know, trying to put the, the luggage up above in, in the, you know, in the airplane, and a man offers to help, I always say yes because it builds their It just, it makes them feel good that they were able to be of, of service. And I think, I feel like, you know, and we're all independent, right? Or we all can be very independent, but sometimes you don't have to be, and there's nothing wrong with that. So how, how do you then balance that? I can do it all because Yeah, I can do it all. We can all do it all. With allowing him to be of service as a way to show love and to show his, like you said, his ability to be your hero.

Yeah, because I remember when you do recipe or when you cook or when you play in a sport game Everybody has their position. His position is to be your protector. His position is to be your hero. His position is to serve you. So remember what that person position is and allowing them to shine in those beautiful moments, allowing you to be in your feminine energy of just receiving and embracing and saying thank you and showing appreciation. We have those identity— the polarizing of the feminine and the masculine allows me to know right now this is my man and I need to be able to support him, to let him shine. I know I got it all figured out, I know I can do all of these things, but gosh, does it feel good to see my man want to live up to those things and want to take care of me. And I do this purposely, I do it with intention. Like for example, when I went to a store, I saw this beautiful shoes that I was like, to have these beautiful flowery pattern with some blue and white. I loved it so much, but then I said we can't really afford it. So I walk out of the store. I didn't buy it. My man decided to surprise me by buying that shoe for me. He calls me up and he said, babe, I want to know what size shoes you wear because I'm gonna get you that thing, you know. And I was like, so what did I do? I came home, I thank him, and then in front of friends and family, I show the shoes, I put it on, I said, look at how amazing my man is. That boosts his ego. A man loves to be with a woman who makes him feel good about himself. Who wants to be around somebody that makes you feel shitty? Nobody does. Sometimes we tolerate because we don't know any better, but just as like you or him. So I really give him compliment where it is due, and he went out of his way to make me happy. So I really nourish that and show him, you know what, baby, this is your 'You do it so well, and I'm gonna brag to the world of how amazing you are.' Because they love to be celebrated, right?

They love to know that they did, you know, that they did something, that they did something good. And, you know, I don't want people to think that, you know, it's like a good boy kind of— no, it's not. It's an— it's— it comes from a place of wanting to just like showcase and just show the awesomeness of the person that we're with.

Yes, absolutely, because he really just wants to be there to make you happy, and like, what would it take away from you for highlighting him for the amazingness that he did, that he went out of his way? Because oftentimes men are reprimanded. We, you know, I used to be like that. I complain and I nag and all of that stuff. And I think about it, I want to pour into my piggy bank more of recognition for him because there's so many things I can pick that are not good or that he's not doing right. I'd rather focus my energy on what's going right in my relationship because ultimately I remember the big vision. The big vision is that this man is the love of my life, and if he's the love of my life, how do I treat him in a way that makes feel seen and loved. So I would rather pour all of the amazing— I actually have a journal. I track every single thing that he does right. I write it down that makes me happy. And every 3 months or so, we go on a date, and I just take out my journal. He's, he's never known this. And then I would read, on January 14th, you decided to buy me and surprise me with flowers, uh, the favorite blue flowers that I wanted. And then on February the 14th, you decided on this, this particular day to actually take me out and just really celebrate me. And he's sitting there like, my boyfriend, he's gone, you wrote all of that? I'm like, yes, baby, you're that amazing. And we forget if I don't put it on a piece of paper because it allows me to see how amazing he is, you know, because we get, we tend to remember more bad things than the good thing that people do.

Yeah, that's, I think, human human nature. And I just want to go back to what we talked about earlier, that what you and I are talking about can happen with a man who is healthy. Yeah, not with a man who hasn't dealt with his triggers and his traumas. Just like it is difficult for a woman to show up like that for her man if she herself hasn't done her own work.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

So it really is about going in and, you know, learning from the experience, knowing what our triggers are, dealing with those so that we don't keep repeating the same, the same patterns that can be very destructive.

I actually, like, in this relationship, I had to look, uh, somebody said something that was really important, is like, before you go into relationship, don't ask about what can he offer me and what I can offer in the relationship, is what insecurity do you bring might destroy this relationship. So that really stayed with me. Then I actually had to— yeah, I actually had to look, oh my gosh, shit, I have— because yes, I'm a relationship coach, yes, I've done a lot of work on myself, but I still got some crazy shit I gotta figure out. And so I actually had to look at myself, like, what are some of the triggers, what are some of the insecurities that I can nurture and tend? And I am extremely kind to myself. I know I'm not always perfect, but every mistake I've learned, that is like showcasing me how to choose a different option to not repeat those same errors. So oftentimes when we make a mistake, we start bashing ourselves, we start like putting ourselves down, there's shame, there's guilt. Don't do that. The one thing I've learned that made a huge difference in my relationship is how kind I am to myself, and if I learn to be kind with myself, I can actually show that kindness to my partner. So that's how I do it, and And so I think about, okay, there are things I need to work with. I like— my partner is not— he can disappear for a whole entire week and not speak to me. He's totally fine. I cannot do that. Like, I need check-in. Like, I need you to tell me you're alive, what you're working on, and type thing. I don't need like a detail list. I just need an approximation, like a general overview. And so we work at each other. I tell him, babe, this is what I need, and he explained to me how his mind works when he's actually at a job or he's away. He's like, you know, I'll know, I'll see you after a week, so I don't have to worry about anything. He's so secure in himself that he's like, I'll see you in a week, that's totally fine. So we work— when I go away on different things, different trips and like that, he'll check in, he'll make purposely. And I also do my part of not constantly texting him, what you doing, where you're at, and all these things. So we find a middle ground that works for the two of us. And on my own, I didn't tell my boyfriend. We don't have to tell our partner all of our insecurities, all the things that we're working on. And I'm going to get to the body image as well. That's another part that we tend to do, you know, asking our partner, do I look fat? Like, he probably loves you just the way you are, and all of that meat, he loves it. But if point out all the flaws. He's gonna— is there something I should know of? Maybe now his eye is gonna start radar-ing, picking up these things that wasn't even there in the first place. Anyway, so coming back to the other is that I've learned with my partner I don't have to tell him every vulnerable part of me. Yes, there is this— it's good to be vulnerable with each other, but if there's things that you can work on your own, you don't have to always express it. So one of the things that I do is I know that I constantly need to text and check in on my partner I know that that's something that I must conquer on my own. So I've learned that, you know, I will start gradually. Like, I'll text him at the beginning, like the first 10 minutes, and then wait for another 10 minutes. I put a timer, and then the next day I'll practice 15 minutes, and then the next day another 25. So you go progressively, and I have to learn to self-soothe. So what I do is I WhatsApp, um, uh, like texts of him that says, I love you, baby, and how amazing you are. So when I start to feel unsafe and insecure and wondering where he's at and all these things, I read his text and I'm like reminded my man loves me, and at the end of the day he'll be back home. So I self-soothe. That is my way of self-soothing, as well as listening to music, as well as going to play sport, because my mind is distracted by other things. Today I am kind of like at the level where if he doesn't really text all that much, I'm like, thank God, because I got shit to do.

I mean, it evolves as the relationship evolves, right? As we put money in that trust bank, right, then we feel like we can be a little bit more open and a little bit more for lack of a better word, a bit more trusting.

So this is one thing I wanted to share. I didn't want to cut you off. One thing I wanted to share, when you're in a healthy relationship, you can voice just about anything, and somehow the two of you guys will be able to find a right solution for the two of you. I used to be like something, you know, like, um, mother-in-laws and all of that stuff that just takes so much time out of the couple and, you know, he has to tend to his mom. He wants to be a good kid and all of that. And I always thought, oh, that's like a zone I can't really speak about because it's so taboo. But I thought, that's not fair because I'll feel resentment if I don't voice it, and then he can't figure it out what is making me upset. So I decided to practice and say, you know, this and this things. I love his mother to death, but there's some things, there's certain stuff I was like, it bothers me, you know. And so I can voice it out, but I say it in a soft manner. I'm like, you know, I love your mother and I want you guys to spend time together, but sometimes the, like, the plans that you guys make will actually infringe on our plans. So how can we find a solution together where you win and I also win, where I don't resent you? And because we have such a level of trust— and these take time. Don't bring those things up about his mother early in the relationship, you know, like when you're have a solid— there's a timing for everything. I don't bring my crazy shit to my boyfriend early on. He's gonna go like the other way. So I, I take time, let him discover all of the beautiful things, and once he sees all of the different potential, then I can start like dropping a little bit, and then we have enough level of trust that we can work through it. But if you're early on the relationship, they don't really know who you are, and you drop your craziness, there's a good chance he's gonna go, I'm gonna go elsewhere.

And that said, I also think it's important for our ladies to understand we're not talking about being fake. Yeah, right, because there's, there's a difference between being fake and putting on that plastic smile and being genuine but looking for the right moments to bring things and put them on the Absolutely, because relationship needs time to build.

There needs to be a foundation. If the foundation is not solid and you bring heavy stuff into it, there's a good chance that that foundation can break. So it's not a question of being fake or pretending to be. Some people do that. I don't suggest it at all. I, when I went on my relationship, I was 100% as fully open. You either like what you see or move on because I don't have time for you. I don't have time to sell myself to some person that is not ready to buy the amazingness I have to offer. If you're too blind to be able to see this amazing person that's standing in front of you, then boy, go elsewhere.

So when, when And women are ready to kind of re-enter dating. Yeah, right after they've, they've recovered, they've done their work. Um, what do you think is most important for them to know?

I always say live your best life. Don't wait on a man. Like, you know, like really fully be in love with your life. When you're so in love with your life, it is magnetic and extremely attractive for the male, the opposite it sucks to go, ooh, who's she? Like, I really want to get to know her. I want to be a part of her world because she's living her life. Like I always say, yeah, I always say with my man, I love you, baby, but I don't need you. Like, uh, you're here with me, it is a plus in my life, but I would do my life so perfectly happy me on my own. You are just the extra icing on the cake that makes it so much more amazing. But if life would ever happen, one day you're not here in this world with me, I can still be fine on my own. But I choose to be with you, just like he choose to be with me, and to pour into this relationship. So do your life. The big thing that people did that I made the mistake of doing was, as soon as I get into a relationship, I started stop going to my gym class, I started slacking off on my business that was my purpose. I was making it all about him. I was hanging out only with his friends. My friends, like, because he didn't really get along with my friends, like, I barely see them. And when he vanished, what did I have? I lost my friendship because I didn't nurture it. I couldn't do my activity that I used to do before. I lost myself in it. So please don't lose yourself. A man will be in love with who you are because the reason why he fell in love with you was you were doing You, you were doing all your amazingness, and all of a sudden, just because he's in the picture, you start neglecting yourself. Nah, I like— I go and work out, I stay fit, because if a man leaves, I'm gonna be this badass hot shit that you ever meet. He's like, next.

You crack me up. I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it. All right, Rhi, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom