Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce: 5 Steps to Perseverance & Resilience

Oh my God, I thought my divorce was never going to end, but in reality it was pretty quick. It was less than a year and a half. I know some people that have gone years and years and years before their divorce was finalized, but there are two things that kept me going: perseverance and resilience. So I want to talk a little bit about what the difference is, right? So perseverance, if you think about the salmon, they're going upstream because they are driven to get to that end spot where the— literally the survival of the species is depending on them getting to that end spot. So they persevere, they navigate around obstacles, they go upstream in a journey that is extremely difficult, they avoid the bears. I mean, that journey is just relentless. Resilience is like a rubber band. The rubber band stretches and stretches and stretches and stretches. The thing is, with humans, the rubber band, I feel, at least that was the case for me, doesn't snap. It just continues to expand and expand, and it comes back and it contracts and expands. And that's kind of how I'm looking at the difference between perseverance, and we need both. As we're going through our divorce and coming out on the other side of the worst divorce, because it's not an easy journey, but it's a worthwhile one. Because do you know what the number one thing is that most people regret at the end of their lives? Not living the life that they wanted to live, but instead living the lives of the expectations of others, that others had placed on them. And there's so much pressure for us to do that, right? How many times have you heard marriages for life, divorce is failure, you stay together because of the kids, we don't divorce in this family, and like divorce is traumatic for kids. Yeah, it's traumatic for kids, but it's not going to be nearly as traumatic as the people in the marriage staying together for the sake of the kids. Not when there's fighting and arguing and negative energy all the time. So the good news is I've seen a lot of women, I've known a lot of women who have gone through divorce and who have not just survived but thrived. And it may be hard to see that that is available to us where we're in the middle of the storm, when all we see is all this stuff flying around and we're consumed by the worry and the emotions and the anxiety and thinking about the future and what that's mean for us. But there are not just the women that I know, but there are many women out there that have thrived and that have actually gotten and had their best life after their divorce. Think about this: Martha Stewart, she built her media empire after her divorce. Tina Turner had a killer career after she left an abusive husband. The things that we can do when we decide that it's our time. And maybe divorcing is not the end of your story, but the beginning of a killer story for yourself. As you're going through your divorce, or if you're coming out of your divorce, I wanted to share 5 ideas to really help to build perseverance and resilience. And the first one is this: Believe that what is happening to you is happening for your greater good. Maybe there's a reason why you're getting divorced. Maybe it's because you're not on the path that you were destined to be on. And yeah, it sucks, and yeah, it hurts, but what is going to be the gift that is going to be yours at the end of this journey? Maybe this is your call to live your life to the fullest, not living your life according to somebody else's expectations of what your life should look like. Number 2: Build your circle. Bring people in your inner circle that are going to be supportive, that are going to be cheering you on, that are going to be supporting you as you go through this journey, because maybe they've been on a similar journey. They've certainly had challenges of their own, so they know how to build that perseverance and that resilience muscle. So make sure they're in your corner and that they support you Become more mentally and emotionally savvy. We have so many tools at our disposal. You can journal, you can meditate, you can go to boxing class, you can eat right, you can exercise. There are so many options for us to become emotionally more fit and mentally stronger. Maybe a boxing class is what you need right now to release the emotion so that you don't let the emotion control how you think and how you see things. For me, it was crying it out. I cried it out and cried it out and cried it out, but I needed that to let go so that I could make decisions from a place of calm and peace and certainty versus a place of, oh my God, I can't believe I'm going through this. It's a very different different type of energy. Number 4, remember to be kind to yourself. As high-achieving women, as high-performing women, as women who are mothers and sisters, we can be pretty darn hard on ourselves. We're really good at beating ourselves up. It doesn't work, it's not going to make us any better. How about you try something else? And the last one is to become flexible and adaptable. Because things are going to be super fluid and one— something that works one day may not work another. And nothing ever remains the same. Things are constantly shifting and changing and morphing. And to expect things to be one way and to continue to be that way, that's a lesson that I had to learn, is that yes, on this day it was like this, But things change. That doesn't mean that because it was like this today that it's going to be like that tomorrow. So being flexible, being adaptable, using these situations when things are in flux as a way to learn more about ourselves and as a way to adjust so that we get to our ideal place, our ideal self, is going to be oodles better than putting a stake in the ground and saying, this is how it is and it's not going to change. We all have to be flexible because the only thing that we know for sure is that things are going to change. Even after your divorce, you're going to go through every emotion imaginable. I did. There were days I was ecstatic and there were days I was sobbing in my pillow. So I'm going to invite you to be your own hero. Superwoman, Wonder Woman. Be your own role model. Know that you're smart enough, you are strong enough, and you are more than capable of getting through this challenge. You've made it through others, even if it feels like it's hurt more— it hurts more than the others. Even in your darkest of days, know that there's always tomorrow. Tomorrow will look different. Tomorrow will feel different. Maybe tomorrow you get a sliver of hope, a sliver of happiness, just a little taste of things to come. You are worthy of whatever challenge comes your way. Divorce is a challenge. It's not the only one you have faced, and it's not the only one you will face. You got this.