The Impact of Divorce on Friendships

When we talk about divorce, we tend to talk about it in terms of the people involved, right? You and your partner, the kids, the immediate family. But we forget that there's a whole other group that is also impacted by the end of the relationship, and that is your friends. And aren't the friends the family we choose? Shouldn't we also honor what they might be going through, but also share what we're going through and how they can help to support us in a difficult time. And in my experience, you have 3 different types of friends: the friends you brought to the relationship, the friends that your partner brought into the relationship, and the friends that you made together while you were married. When my ex and I got divorced, I lost half my friends. But the interesting thing was this: I didn't lose any of the friends I brought into the relationship. I really essentially lost the friends that he brought in the relationship because somehow we never made friends as a couple. And the friends that I held on to were there when I needed them. They had my back, they supported me in my worst of times, and they were also there to celebrate the best of times. But it wasn't just the friends that were close to me physically, it was my friends overseas and also childhood friends that I hadn't talked to in a long time. And knowing that they were there and that I could count on them was an absolute blessing. The other blessing, which is a bit of a double-edged sword, is that we didn't have kids. So I was able to, in a way, make a clean, a clean getaway. But today I want to share with you ways that you can help to navigate the change in friendships and also how you can have your needs met, how you can ask for the support that you need as you're going through these changes. While we're experiencing a lot of different emotions, maybe they're also experiencing some emotions, although probably not with the same level of intensity. And what you're going to find is they're going to deal with this in a couple of different ways. You're going to have a set of friends who are going to get closer to you and they are going to support you. You're going to have a set of friends for whom nothing is going to change, the relationship will remain the same and the dynamic will remain the same. And you're going to have, unfortunately, another set of friends that are going to step away from the relationship. And there might be a lot of different reasons for that. It could be that they're not able to handle the flow of the intensity of your emotions or even their own emotions as you guys are navigating this together. They might also not know how to support you in a way that doesn't cause you more pain. The level of support you need might feel overwhelming for them. Maybe they're afraid of saying the wrong thing and risk either coming across as insensitive, or maybe they fear making the situation worse by what they say. They also may feel pulled in different directions, right, and feel like they are forced to make a choice that they don't want to have to make. If they're in a stable relationship, they may be feeling guilty about what you're going through because they're not sharing that experience. And lastly, they might choose to walk away because you guys were kind of like the couple that they did things with, and now that you're no longer together, the relationship doesn't have a reason for being. So consider too what barriers you might be putting up. Maybe you're suffering from something called support fatigue. This is when you might feel embarrassed or guilty about the emotions that you're feeling and sharing those emotions with your friends. And that might cause you to inadvertently pull back, retreat, go into self-isolation, because for us, especially women who are used to taking care of others, who are used to taking the burden from others, to find ourselves on the other side where we're— we may feel like we're burdening other people, it's not a comfortable place to be. But if there ever was a time where you need someone or a few someones to carry you, along the way, this is it. This is the time where you want to be able to rely on those friendships and all those friends because they're the ones that are going to help to pull you out of it. And of course, you want to make sure that they support you in a way that honors your boundaries as well. You may be putting up a barrier because you feel that someone's lack of responsiveness, if they're not responding like this to your texts or to your phone calls, means that they don't care. That's not it at all, but that can cause friction because, as we say in French, your nerves and your emotions are right under your skin. And there might also be a mismatch between what you expect from them and what they're able to give. So all of these things can create different barriers for you, but it's really easy to recognize the friends that you can count on. Those are the friends that are there no matter what. They're not afraid when that torrent of emotion comes their way. They become your rock. They're there because they know they have a purpose they're there to support you, and their shoulders are broad enough not only to provide a place to cry on when you need to, but to handle the heaviness of the emotions that you may be feeling. My bestie was like that for me. We went through, both of us, a very difficult time in our lives. Mine was a divorce, hers was something else. But the one thing that was great is that whenever we came together, we just listened. We gave space for the other person to share and to exercise those feelings, to be able to let them out so that we could move on, because doing that is what helps you heal. We gave each other space to be angry, resentful, to cry without passing judgment. So how do you avoid the mess of your divorce maybe messing with your friendships? By clearly communicating your needs. If you know what is going to most serve you in this time of need, tell them. They're probably in a place where they're thinking, "How can I help? What can I do to make this time feel better, be easier?" Give them the solution. Tell them, "This is what I need." By you telling them that this is what you need, they're going to be able to tell you whether or not they can meet you there, and if they can't, what exactly they can do so that you don't feel alone, you feel supported in a way that honors where you are but also honors where they are and what they can do to help you. And sometimes you might have to say things like, "You know what, I'm really having a hard time right now. I just need some time for myself. Is there any way that maybe you can take the kids and take them to the park so I can just work through some of this stuff by myself?" Maybe you need to say something like, "I can't thank you enough for everything you've done. I so appreciate you being there for me." but I need a little bit of alone time. Would it be okay if we caught up next week? Nothing wrong with that. Putting it that way will help them to understand what you need, but they won't feel hurt and they won't feel slighted and they won't feel confused about what the best way to support you is. And you may need to set some healthy boundaries for friends who just are interested in, honestly, the gossip and just want to walk right off the cliff with you. That's not what you need. You need to protect your emotional well-being, and you do that by letting people know what is okay and what is not okay. And if you have someone in your life who's constantly asking for the gory details, you might want to say something like, you know, I appreciate your concern, but I'm really— I don't really want to dive into these details right now, if that's okay. And make it okay. By setting those boundaries, you create a space that is safe for you and that is also very clear for your friends so they know how far they can go and where they need to go to meet you there. The end of a relationship is difficult for everyone, including for your friends. So be aware of what they may be going through and let them know what you need. And lastly, don't take anything personally. We're all doing our best. We all make mistakes. And this is an awkward time for everyone, and they're trying to navigate what the best way to support you is. And honestly, maybe some people were in your life for a season or for a reason. And maybe just as it is time for you to let your relationship go, maybe it's time for you to let those friendships