The Legacies We Leave: Kristin Laurette

Hello and welcome to The Legacies We Leave, conversations on fulfillment, joy, and purpose. This week I am happy to bring you my friend, an incredible woman, mother, leader, and coach, Kristin Laurette. Kristin holds a graduate degree in coexistence and conflict from Brandeis University. She has taught, trained, and coached in the US, Europe, China, and the Middle East. She's a certified feminine power leader and is currently completing her feminine power coaching certification. Kristen's work as a coach, trainer, and leader focuses on creating transformational opportunities for women to rise into greater love and leadership. She has worked as a leader and changemaker in over 3 dozen organizations and communities around the world. Welcome, my friend.

Thank you, Alex. It's so great to be here with you.

I'm so happy that we can finally make this happen. You and I have been trying for a little while, so this is, this is good.

We have, yes.

So you know what, I'm just going to jump right in and, um, ask you to tell us a little bit about your entrepreneurial journey, how you transitioned from the more traditional career path, corporate path, to where you are now, and why did you decide to go that way?

Well, just a little background about me. Um, I started out in intercultural communication and conflict resolution, so that's where my journeys have taken me, in different organizations, primarily nonprofits and NGOs, and working in universities and colleges. So I did that work for Gosh, almost two decades in all different parts of the world. And one of the things that I saw again and again and again was the way that women are such powerful leaders in communities and in organizations, especially in relation to conflict resolution work. Some of the best peacebuilding work that I saw being done in different communities around the world was really being done by women, led by women. And yet I also saw this constant push and pull and struggle for women between this desire to have an impact in the world and really be a part of the change that we need in this world, and all of the demands of their personal lives, of their families, of cultural expectations, and all of that kind of push and pull that kept a lot of these women who were just doing amazing, brilliant work in a, in a less impactful role than they could potentially be, and in also a state of sort of stress and this sort of tension between the two. And so I had this sense of what it would look like for women to be reaching toward leadership in a way that allowed them to continue to really serve their communities, be a part of this deep connection to their families, um, and along the way to create new structures where women are supporting women to lead in a way that is uniquely different than the way that we see traditional male leadership. Take place. So that was my inspiration, and that's what really led me to make the transition. And that was what, about 3 years ago?

Okay. And I love that because I think, you know, Tony Robbins always talks about, you know, men aren't hairless women and women aren't hairy men, right? I love that, in a way, that analogy, because I think there, because we are so fundamentally different, right, men and women, the way we approach things, men being more, you know, the kind of hunter piece where we're more the gatherer, nurturing, caring. I think that brings completely different dimensions to the party, right? And both are valid, both are good, but when you can use both of them at the same time, I think, yeah, brings huge— a completely different dimension to, to whatever it is that's being worked on.

Yes, that's so true. And I, that— I think that's one of the pieces that is, um, in my perspective, really missing. Not completely, but there's that sense of much of what we see in leadership and corporate and government, even in, you know, social local endeavors, is is really male-led in many ways. And when women break into leadership in those structures, they're sort of leading in a male way. And it's not that one is good and one is bad, like you said, and it's an either-or thing. It's that we really need both a feminine approach to leadership and a masculine side by side working together to be able to solve some of the big problems that we're facing in the world. So my passion, my commitment is really to supporting women to rise into— I like to call it loving leadership, a leadership that's not disconnected and cold and push. But it's coming from a deep-rootedness in what it means to be a woman in the world today, which is distinct, as you said. I mean, some of us are hairy women, but it's distinct from the masculine approach. It really is.

So what you say for us showing up as women in the world today, what does that look like for you?

For me, it's how I create a balance in my life. It's how I bring the fullness of my resources and who I am as, you know, as a mother, as a spouse, as a friend, as a daughter, as a community member, as someone who has a deep desire for impact. And I bring all of this together in who I'm becoming as I lead, as opposed to kind of creating these disjointed realities of like, this is part of my role over here and this is part of my role over there. I think as women, we have so much more to bring in terms of connection, in terms of collaboration and understanding and empathy. And compassion. That is, you know, these are, these are critical skills, and a lot of recent studies really show that some of the things that are going to be most important going forward for leaders is this capacity to connect, this capacity to create understanding, and to really lean into collaborations. And these are skill sets that we as women, I wouldn't say we innately have them, though some would argue that, but we certainly cultivate them in ourselves quite, quite naturally. So it's something we uniquely have to bring to the table, and it's an important time for them to come forward.

Yeah, and I don't want the, the discussion to distract from, you know, I think we all have a place in the world. I think I completely believe in equal pay for men and women being paid the same to do the same job, whether you're a man or a woman. Um, but I, I do believe that we do bring something, like you said, unique to the party, and it's not something that we can ignore, right? It's not something that should be shunned. It's not something that should be looked down upon because we don't approach it in a more traditional masculine way. It doesn't mean it should be discarded because it does bring— it brings value.

Yes, yes. And that's— and I think that's the paradigm shift that we're really needing to lean into more and more, is, you know, moving from the sense that there's a particular specific masculine way of leading, and that's what masculine leadership constitutes, this particular way. And then there's this— all these other things that don't count as for leadership. Well, in actual fact, there's so many different ways we can lead, men and women. And there are unique feminine qualities and characteristics that we bring to the table that are a specific way of leading that, that is very much needed. So it's how we transition from this viewpoint of leadership as this monolithic, you know, it's this way, to, oh, look at all the ways we can lead, and look at all of the additional resources that we can bring to the table as women that aren't necessarily brought forward in the masculine approach, um, to the detriment of those, you know, who are being led or who are part of the leadership. So It is. It's really bringing that value forward, right? Part of the team. Absolutely. Organization, community, whatever it is. Okay.

So what is— actually, I'm going to leave that to the end because that coincides with my last question. Oh, good.

A surprise.

So how has your understanding of legacy and purpose evolved over the course of your life? And how do you see it, or do you see it continuing to change? In the future?

I love that question. So legacy is something that I only recently started really thinking about. It's not something that is a big part of how I orient myself, honestly. And I guess the reason would be that I always have thought of legacy as, you know, this idea of how people are going to view me, what I'm— what, you know, what I'm going to leave behind that people are going to celebrate me for, honor me for. And so that never really sat well in my system. You're probably not surprised. Not at all. That I'm taking issue with the legacy question. But as I reflect on it, purpose and legacy do very much go hand in hand because of course what we devote ourselves to in our daily purpose is what we do leave behind inevitably, whether we like it or not. So to me, it's really how— what I've come to, I think, today is how I grow and contribute day to day is both my purpose and my legacy. You know, the two really are closely correlated. And it's, you know, each day, how am I growing into a fuller version of myself, both in my love life and in my leadership life? How am I becoming more and more of myself as— and this is something that drives me every single day. And then how am I using who I'm becoming, or how am I taking the resources I have as I'm becoming this fuller version of myself to really contribute to the world around me. And anytime I'm able to do that, I feel like I'm on purpose. I feel like I'm leaving the best legacy that I can possibly leave, because what I hope to leave behind is all of the amazing connections, the love and deep connectedness, and also any impact, any leadership that I can create through my own growth and contribution.

So any examples that you can give of how you live that every day?

I guess the biggest way I connect in with it is through my vision, really connecting to my vision every day, whether it's at home with my family, with my kids, with my spouse, or whether it's in my business work. It's, it's really connecting deeply to the sense of what is it that I'm here to create? What is it that I'm here to give? What is it that I'm here to contribute? And how can I be more on purpose toward doing that every single day?

Okay.

So it's how I connect in relationship. It's how I communicate. It's how I, um, build the structures of my life that really are oriented toward what I'm most able to contribute. Yeah.

So it's intentionally connecting to your why on a daily basis.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay.

Yeah. Gets me out of bed even on the hard days. There will inevitably be those. Yeah.

Yeah. No, for sure. And I think that's one of the compelling things, right? Because we have things external that drive us and we have things internal that drive us, right? So if I have a job and I don't show up at 9 o'clock and I know I'm going to get reamed out by my boss, then I will do everything that I can to get out of bed on time so that I can make it to work. On time, right? But then there's the internal— still could be the same job, but it's more about the pleasure and the passion and what makes us tick in that job, that what we find fulfilling in that job that actually gets us there when we're supposed to be there.

Yes. Well, and just that sense for me also of the broader picture of what my life is about, you know, what it, what it is that I'm really creating momentum around, um, to be able to contribute more and grow more and how I'm doing that each day, whether I'm necessarily doing the thing I most love to do every moment. Of course, that's not the case, you know, but no matter what I'm doing, I can find a way to have this particular activity or experience or relationship or connection somehow be a part of my growth and contribution. So none of it's sort of for naught, none of it's wasted. So I feel like for me, I'm on purpose as long as I'm tapped into what's the growth opportunity here, how can I contribute through this? And then specifically through my business, it's all about supporting women who— and I have this, you know, my big vision is how can I support 10 million women to rise into loving leadership, to really bring together their deep connection to themselves and their families, their loved ones and communities, and then their leadership impact in the world and not have to kind of choose between the two and have an either-or experience of it.

Yeah, and, and I think often women feel like they have to choose, and I don't know, you know, it's like, because I've spoken with women in corporate who are, who talk about the guilt of not being, you know, the perfect mom or the perfect the, you know, employee, or the perfect this, or the perfect that, or everything else. And they feel like they have to choose between, you know, each of these different aspects of their lives. But at the end of the day, we can't be fulfilled really until all those pieces come together and they play not an equal part, not in a sense of, you know, time, but like we get what we need out of each of these individual individual pieces that make us feel whole.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, it's the wholeness, right? Because if you're always trying to like, how can I be a perfect mom? How can I be a perfect partner? How can I be a perfect— whether leader, employee, or team member, you know, how can I be a perfect community member? All the different things that we're doing in the roles, especially for women, we wear so many hats. Um, and if they always seem like they're pulling us in different directions and they're competing our attention and our energy and our time, it's exhausting. So it's really bringing them into this wholeness, you know, and I, I really deeply believe that comes from how we hold ourselves in wholeness, which is, you know, how we really connect in with our own desires, our vision, our priorities, and don't have this sense of being scattered in multiple directions or pulled, but really bring it all together. And I really believe that's the only way that women can thrive in the current world with all of its demands is when we are really deeply connected into ourselves first, and then we're able to go out and do great things when we're leading. We're able to do great things in our love relationships. But when we're constantly pulled between the two, you know, it's a— it's— there's no way to win that game. Yeah, it's a losing battle.

It's a recipe for disaster, exhaustion, exhaustion and burnout and all those—

not wanting to get out of bed.

Yeah, exactly.

For screaming at your kids or forgetting to show up at the meeting on time or failing on a project or just beating yourself up endlessly for not getting any of it right. Right.

So since we're on the topic of legacy and purpose, how did you, how did you find your purpose?

Well, I've always been growth and contribution oriented. And I, as a little girl, I always wanted to understand the world. That was my, you know, I was a bit of an odd kid. I was like, how does the world work? And so my—

That's a small question.

Yeah, right. For a small child. And so that was always my quest for as long as I can remember. My early, my first jobs were out of school were in Europe and in China. And then I went back to school and my jobs out of that were in the Middle East. And it was always this desire to understand how people work, how we can work better together, you know, how we can find ways to overcome our differences, how we can really live together. And this is how I ended up in conflict resolution and peacebuilding as a career, is how we can live together despite all of our differences. I grew up in Ireland at the end of the Troubles there between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland. And so I saw and heard and experienced that in my daily life as a child, as a 9-year-old kid. Um, and it just spurred me to try to understand how do people work, because I saw people on both sides that were great people, amazing, you know, good kids that I went to school with that were amazing people, and their parents wouldn't let them play with each other because of the conflict. And I could never quite get my head and my heart around that. Um, so I just constantly had this, like, this burning hunger to understand why is— how do we tick and how do we like, how do we tick together better so that there's not this constant push and pull? And then, as I shared at the beginning, as I worked in these various projects, I was just struck again and again by how the women in these communities were so strong and so powerful and had so much to give and were leading in so many amazing ways. And yet in the male structures, especially in, in certain cultures more than others, but, you know, universally as well, women's voices were excluded or women didn't have a seat at the table, or in the cases where women did have a seat at the table, there was just so much cultural burden that it was so hard for women to break into leadership. And so I began to see, well, the best projects that I've come across and that I'm involved in really are led by or inspired by these really amazing, powerful women. And what would it look like if we had more of these incredible women who are not held back by either these cultural external barriers or these inner barriers of, you know, self-doubt and shame and all of the things that hold us back. Um, so that became sort of my, my newer question. My, my question that's been driving me forward is like, how do we as women step into this place of, of leading powerfully from our feminine essence so that we can make a difference in the world? And that really is just in line with my, my quest to figure out how we can, how we can create a better world. I just, I think from, from childhood it was like, I think we can do better. I had this sense we can better, and we've got to figure out how to do it.

I hope we can do better, because otherwise we're in trouble.

Right? Exactly. We have no choice now. Back when I was a kid, it was more like, okay, we have some wiggle room, but not anymore.

It doesn't feel like we do anyways. So I want to go back to your transition from corporate into your coaching and what you're doing now. Tell us a little bit about How did that, how did that happen? What were some of your struggles, some challenges? Tell us, take us through that a little bit.

Hmm, COVID happened. So at the time I was teaching and training, um, in Florida. And, uh, so this is going back to the beginning of 2020, uh, end of 2019. And I was teaching and training in universities and colleges and organizations and in Florida, um, and we all were sent home and online like everybody else, uh, and I really didn't enjoy the online teaching as much as I enjoyed in-person teaching. Um, but, you know, we all have struggled a lot in various ways through COVID, and then many of us have also found that there have been some benefits at least, or some ways that we've managed to leverage that transition to being more at home and the lockdown and everything else, not for all of us, but we were fortunate. In my case, we were all home together, my family, my kids, my husband, my mom was there with us at the time. And we had, you know, the chance to spend more time together and more quiet and sort of a slowdown from the regular pace of life. And for me, it became a big reflection opportunity just to start to look at what I was doing. And I was very much in that place of running between my family needs and demands, trying to be a wonderful, amazing, perfect mom and spouse. And I was involved in a ton of community organizations and projects and supporting all the people around me, friends and family. And then I was working in a number of different roles as a consultant, as a teacher and trainer. And so I was just constantly running, really just always running. And it was exhausting, but I was doing what I love to do. So it was both and it was exhausting and it was inspiring. And then I'd be flat out on my ass. And then I'd be back up trying to do more. So it's like that roller coaster ride. And I, you know, the pause of COVID at least for us, um, brought me to really question what's, you know, what's that deeper vision that I have for my life? What is that thing that, you know, I, I love what I'm doing, but what's that, that a new level of that? What's something that I would really be able to passionately go all in on? Um, and I decided take, uh, some time to do some inner work to be able to develop myself as a leader. So I took a leadership, transformational leadership course and, and got a certification in transformational leadership for women. Um, and I took a number of different coaching modality trainings to begin to understand, you know, how I could play a role in supporting other women just as I was transitioning to this place of how do I support more women to rise. Um, and you know, I wrote a book which I'm editing the draft of right now, which is all about Working Title Women in Love and Leadership. And through it all, I, I thought to myself, you know, how can I be more supportive of women who are in this struggle, who are being pulled constantly between this desire to impact and this desire to really be deeply connected to their family, their, you know, their community, their friends, their loved ones. How can I play a role? Because I just kept hearing the same story over and over that so many women were just so strung out and exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed. And then COVID hit. And of course, now we're trying to do it all from home with our kids there and our work there. So it's even more crazy in a sense. Some of us had a bit of a pause because it was quieter. We didn't have to go as many places. There weren't playdates and like kids activities and there weren't community meetings and in-person meetings and And at the same time, I think it— for many of us, it gave us perspective on, you know, how much we do run, how much we are always pushing, pushing ourselves, how exhausted we allow ourselves to become. So I took the leap. I decided, okay, I'm going to figure this out for myself and then I'm going to teach it to other women. Because, you know, in my lifetime, I'm almost 42 now. You know, I have a deep burning desire to support as many women as possible to rise into a new version of leadership. I just I feel like we're at a cultural moment, both locally and nationally and internationally, where we really can't afford to sit back and play small anymore, any of us, but especially women. Our voices are needed. Our, you know, our vision is needed. Our skills and capacities and resources and brilliance and all that we hold inside of us is really needed right now. And so I thought, well, what if I can help more and more women to embrace the urgency of this moment where we need more women leaders and at the same time not have this constant stress of being pushed to our limits, trying to play in the old system, really trying to carve out space for ourselves in this old system, which is largely a masculine system. So I took that leap. Oh, it's been a little over 2 years now, and it's been a ride.

I believe it. I've been on that same ride, so I know how interesting it can get. So how do you stay motivated? And how do you, you know, when you're facing issues or you're facing struggles and, you know, what keeps you fired up, motivated, inspired?

You know, it comes back to growth and contribution. It really comes back to how can I grow through this? Every challenge I meet, it's like this has to be some growth opportunity for me. Somehow on the other side of this, I'm going to be a stronger, better, more amazing version of myself if, if I'm able to understand this as an opportunity for growth and really move toward it instead of pulling away from it. Which, you know, previously I would say, um, going back to when I first became a mom, it was always like, oh my God, challenges, like what am I gonna do? You know, because we all have problems, right? And they seem to pile up. The further along in life you get, there's, there's gonna be more and more of them. And so moving toward this orientation of seeing problems and challenges as an opportunity really keeps me moving. And then holding that vision of what's possible for us as humans, as women, you know, for my family and friends, what's that highest possibility? And I get excited because, you know, I have no idea what it's gonna look like in the end, but I know that if I show up every day and I put my heart into it, and I give it my all, then, you know, I'm going to be closer to that grand vision than if I stay small, if I, you know, stay in bed, if I allow myself to be, you know, pulled down by some of the challenges of life. So it keeps me on the top, you know, keeps me popping to the surface. It keeps you bubbling up. Yeah, absolutely. Cool.

So how have you changed since you started this journey? Like, what kind of— who have you become over the course of, of this journey? And related to that, because some of the points we talked about earlier, what I heard you say is, without using the words, is self-care is important. Right, we need to take care of ourselves as we're following our mission, you know, living our purpose, leaving our legacy. We have to take care of ourselves so that we can make sure we continue to show up, not just for ourselves but for the people that we want to show up with. So it's, you know, how do you then take care of yourself along this, this journey?

Just thinking about it, I'm like, I'm very self-centered, which is exactly what my parents told me not to be when I was a kid. So I'm a really bad kid, but I'm a really thriving woman. Um, you know, I, who I've become is what I, and I love this question so much because really my sense of growth is not really so much about what we do as who we're becoming along the way. And then from that version of who we're constantly becoming, contributing. So the doing comes from, you know, the being. It's not the other way around. Um, and I just, I think this sense that I have today is that I'm so much more self-connected. I'm truly, madly, deeply in love with myself, which I never thought was possible. I always was, um, in love with life and loving other people. And, um, you know, love has always been a big thing in my life, but it took me some serious work to get to the point where I was truly in love with myself. And from that well of self-love and self-connection, you know, I love to work from self-love, self-connection, self-containment versus self-care. Self-care is great, but it sort of sounds like, you know, Epsom salt baths and like yoga, meditation, all of which I love. But like, you know, a step further than that is how do we connect in with ourselves and really bring the fullness of who we are out into all the areas of our lives. And I think when we're really truly connected to ourselves authentically and we know ourselves, then everything else we do flows from that. So for me, it means I have more energy, I have more joy, I have more passion and courage and confidence in what I'm doing, and I feel more empowered because I think before I was always outside of myself running around trying to like please and do all the right things. And now I'm so much more at home in myself that when I go out and do things Yes, it may land, maybe not in some cases, but in either case, I'm growing as a person into a more and more full version of myself. So I think that's the fullest version of myself is the vision. And then, you know, I'm just continuing along that path each day, becoming more and more of myself. And how do I— I take time for myself. I prioritize myself like I never did before because, you know, we were raised in a culture where to take care of yourself, to be loving to oneself, especially as a woman where there's such a cultural model of, you know, we're supposed to take care of everybody else first, right? Everybody's needs can be met and then I can take care of myself, except that never happens. So that's an impossible standard, right? So it's really how I constantly prioritize really being with myself first. And it's in everything that I do. It's, you know, I do meditate, I do journal, I do do yoga, I do run, I do, you know, take time for myself to reflect and do the things that I love more and more. And it's a journey to continue to learn to do that more and more each day. But as I'm doing everything else, I am focused inwardly constantly on who am I being in this moment? How connected am I to my own feelings and needs and desires and everything I'm doing? And I'm able to show up with a lot more purpose and a lot more passion and a lot more love because I'm loving myself. I'm able to love others. A lot more understanding, a lot more energy, um, a lot more creativity and curiosity. I think I'm much more open than I was before, because when I was always at the effects of all the things around me, I felt like I was being pulled in a storm, you know, like the wind and the rain were, you know, back and forth all over. Yeah, I mean, it's like being on a boat in choppy waters, right? It's like, just hang on for dear life. And now I, I feel like I'm firmly at the stern of my own ship. So it's— I'm, I'm deciding where I'm going, and there's not that sense of being tossed and turned, which makes— it makes so much difference in terms of energy, in terms of joy, and in terms of just being on purpose in life.

I can, I can see that. And what I'm hearing is that self-care is really more about who you are being than it is about something you're doing. To be better, feel better, take care, kind of take care of yourself.

It's, it's a muscle, and it's not even a mental muscle. It's a, it's a somatic muscle and a heart muscle, I feel like, to, to learn as women especially to be with ourselves first. No matter, you know, I might be in a meeting, I might be with my family members, I might be amidst strangers or in some kind of event, and no matter what circumstances I'm in, I can always be with and hold myself first. And it's a muscle that we develop because I think we're trained as women especially, but as humans, to always be outside of ourselves, always be engaging outside and then maybe engaging inside. And so it's sort of flipping that on its head and learning to engage and connect inside first so that then when we go outside, our experience is so much different. It's richer, it's more authentic, it's more on purpose, it's more energized. So it's just, it's learning that flipping on its head of the cultural model of always do everything outside first. Yeah.

And it also, it helps you to make better decisions, right? And connect, like you said, connect in a different way. Because if you know yourself and you're looking out for, in a way, looking out for number one first, right? Then what you or how you engage is going to be different, and what you engage with is going to be different, because then you make better choices in terms of doing this supports who I am or who I am becoming versus it doesn't. And if it doesn't, that's easy, then I'm not going to do it. Right.

Whereas, yes, well, if it's not mine to do, if it's not, if it's not really mine, then someone else will do it. And I have a lot less anxiety and stress about making those decisions. Um, and it's interesting, like it's a very fine line, I feel like, because in culture there is this, there's both this aversion to selfishness or self-centeredness. And there's also this tendency to say, well, we're an individualistic culture, especially in the US, we're in the West and it's always me first. And it seems like it's either or. Either you're everyone else first or you're me first, right? There's sort of this weird paradigm that's a push and pull. And to me, me, it's not so much just looking out for myself first as being centered in myself, knowing myself, connected to myself, which is not at the expense of other people. Yeah, it's not to say I'm more important than everyone else, but it's giving me at least as much space in my own experience in life and inner world as I give everyone else around me, and maybe a little bit more because I'm me. So, you know, it's that, it's that prioritizing of knowing ourselves and holding ourselves before we go out and try to, or as, you know, it's not like, stop, I have to figure this all out for me and then I can deal with leadership challenges or deal with relationship issues. It's how am I being in myself, most connected to myself as I'm engaging in relationships with a whole lot of love and compassion. And as I'm going out into the world to contribute and lead and have an impact. So it's not, I feel like it's not an either or stance. We have a bit of an either or paradigm in culture where it has like, you're either doing this or you're doing that. And it's both and it's like, I can hold myself and then I can go out and hold others at the, you know, but it's not that I have to hold them and then sacrifice myself or just be focused on myself. Who cares about others?

Right. They're not these two things. They're more like these, this one thing, right?

It's not a competition. It's not, you know, For me, it's how can I remove that constant push and pull that culture puts upon us by being first and foremost in and with myself and then really expanding that to include other people and other relationships and other opportunities to contribute. So it doesn't become this constant fight.

Yeah. Yeah.

The clash.

Yeah. So how does intentionality— what kind of a role does being intentional play into, into that dynamic?

I think it's all about intentionality. It's all about, um, you know, because so much of what we do is just for doing's sake, either because we feel that we have to do it, you know, someone demands it of us, someone outside, or some system, cultural expectation or norm, um, something we were raised with, something in, in the system that we're operating in demands it of us. Or a lot of what we do is, is almost on impulse or because of habit, right? Our habitual ways of handling things. And it's not that those are inevitably any bad. It's just that there, there, there's a lot of wasted energy and time. And there's a lot of, um, you know, I've experienced at least, and I've heard this from others, the sense of heaviness and even pain and suffering that comes from feeling like We have to do all these things, or we should do all these things. And if we don't do them, we're not good enough. We're not smart enough. We're not, you know, hardworking. We're bad. We're whatever, you know. So when we're really intentional about where we want to go and what we want to do, it is so much easier to make good choices and we save our energy, right? It's like my yes, maybe somebody else's no, and that's okay. Right. And, but I have a strong reason for it. It's not just a random thing. It's not something I'm just arbitrarily deciding, oh, this, I'm not feeling like this today. I'm not feeling like that today. It's really being on purpose in all that we do. And the results are so much more impactful because yes, we may end up doing less, but we're being more of ourselves while we're doing less. And so the impact is greater. The depth, you know, it's, it's like, if you think about it, you can use 10,000 words or you can say the same thing in 200 words. And there's a way where if we're really intentional with our words, the 200 words are going to be so much more meaningful. I know this from parenting. Like, if you just go off on your kid and give them a lecture about all this stuff, like, they shut down after the first 500 or 1,000 words. And like, everything else is wasted space, you know?

And everything else is just filler words.

In any other relationship, right? If you're with your partner, spouse, if you're at work and you're that person who stands up and diatribes, everyone's gonna pay attention and then you're just gonna lose them. But if you're really intentional and really clear and really purposeful in how you engage, right? And that's whether you're speaking, whether you're acting, if it's coming from a deep connection and conviction of who you are and what you're about, the impact is just so much bigger and you save yourself so much energy and stress and that sense of exhaustion that comes in when we just overdo, overdo, overdo. When we're intentional, we don't overdo, is what I've found. When we're being fully ourselves, we don't overdo.

Yeah, and no, fully, fully agree with you. I was just thinking about, because you talked about, you know, 10,000 words versus 200 words, or, and, um, I've encountered many people in my life who will tell you what they want to tell you, and then they'll say it again differently, and then they'll say it again differently. Got it.

Yes, I have a fam— I come from a family of talkers that where repetition is a version of like, um, you know, beating it into you. It's like by the 10th time you hear it, it's fact, it's truth, it's, you know, it's undeniable. And I think when we're, um, I fortunately I married someone who's an engineer who likes to use fewer words, which used to infuriate me. Like, I really was like That's all you have to say, or you're not going to say more until you've thought about it. What? But over the years, I've learned that, um, being purposeful in how we engage, intentional, you know, on purpose, and it doesn't matter really if it's at work, at home, with strangers, right? It really, it really is the same posture. It's the same stance and it's the same, you know, because when we overdo or we overspeak or we act out or we, you know, go wild and crazy over something that's probably not that big a deal, a lot of times it's because we're disconnected from who we are. We're disconnected from our core. We've deprived ourselves. So, you know, we've neglected ourselves. We've avoided ourselves. And so we're, you know, somewhere out there in outer space, disconnected from ourselves. And, you know, anything goes. And we live a little bit in that culture of anything goes right now, I, I think. So, you know, bringing it back to how can we be more intentional, how can we be more on purpose in our daily lives, it brings a lot more joy. Yeah, we have a lot more fun.

You're right, you're right. So in with everything that's happened, um, what has been your biggest lesson Mm, trust.

It's really been trust, um, trusting in myself, trusting in life, trusting in others, um, and just the ability to remain in an open posture when challenges come my way, uh, versus shutting down, you know, which is really a skill set. It's something that we develop. It's a muscle we have to exercise. Um, because the human animal, our instinct is to shut down when there is a potential threat or, you know, assault of some kind, no matter what it is. It could be on social media. Um, but just to remain open and really to trust that there is a way through, and that, and trusting in myself that I can find the way through, getting curious about what it means, what the possibility is, and then really trusting that, you know, life is, life is part a journey. It's supposed be ups and downs. It's a growth path. So how is this moving me forward on my growth path? Yeah. And I, I think the end result for me has been just resilience, you know, having so much more resilience in the face of the hard stuff. Because I think previously, if you'd asked me this 10 years ago, I would have thought, well, when I, when I get to the point where I really know stuff, all the hard stuff will go away. Like, the shit will go away, the problems, you know, and it'll be smooth sailing. And that's my goal. And it, you know, and I think Now I feel like, oh, when the challenges come my way, this is an opportunity. So the goal is not to get rid of them. It's to begin to see them as openings and to not cut myself off or blame myself or blame others, but to see the opportunity for growth for all of us.

You know, what you just said reminds me of a quote, and I'm, I'm going to butcher it for sure, but it's something along the lines of, don't pray for your problems to go away, just pray to be better, right? So because we don't learn when it's smooth sailing, right? We don't learn when everything is going great. Just like when I was in corporate and we would, you know, when we won a project, everybody was, you know, super excited. When we lost a project, that's when we went back and said, okay, what, what could we have done differently? But we never asked that question when we won the project because, oh, we were too busy patting each other on the back and saying, hey, great job, all right, great. You don't know, you don't know whether or not you could have done something better. So when those challenges come into our lives, it's a way for us to test our mettle, right? And be like, okay, can I handle this? And for sure, you know, we've survived every challenge that we've ever faced up until now, and we've become different people and we've grown through the challenges. So I think you're right. I think staying open to say, okay, this is here for a reason, what am I meant to learn? Because then that opens up that curiosity versus that fear of shit, I gotta deal with whatever this thing is.

Yes, yes, absolutely. That's exactly it. And it's— and I, and I wouldn't say I'm 100% there all the time. Yeah, well, however, we never get there 100% of the time, maybe. But as we both know from, um, the entrepreneurial journey, I think, um, you know, it's amazing when things go well, you know, when, when client work goes well or enrollment goes well or, um, you know, some sort of, um getting your message out there, uh, goes well. And, and so that's great. It feels good, right? It's like I did something well. We all are told as kids we're supposed to do good, you know, be good kids. So it still feels good for us. We're like, yeah, I'm good, I did a good job, you know, I get an A or a star. But it— as we go through this journey in entrepreneurship, I think it's one of the biggest tests of your mettle, right? It's like of what you're made of. Is, um, that the challenges and the things that we don't succeed at, the things that are really hard and we fall on our face and fail at, are actually, you know, my, my desire is to be in a posture where I am looking for those and welcoming those more than the good little pat on the head moments, because those are the things that fuel us forward. Yeah. If we're really looking to supercharge our journey, it's by seeking out the things that we don't know how to do and the things we're going to fail at and get messy and in trying to do and doing those instead of the things that are super easy. Because we all have the things where we're like, oh, I'm good at this, I'm going to stick to that. Um, I think if you ever try to have an impact, you can't do that. Well, we do. We need to feel good about ourselves. Yeah, exactly.

You still need to have those moments where you're like, you do something really good and you celebrate that. Because if all you're doing all the time is challenge, challenge, challenge, challenge, yeah, you might grow, right? And you're going to get out of it what you need to get out of it, but it's like you're going to be looking for those moments where you can just catch your breath.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And yet, if you're getting straight A's on all the tests, metaphorically, you're studying at the wrong level. Yeah, true. You're, you know, you're staying small and you should be playing a bigger game. So you're— I agree. I agree completely. There's like the posture somewhere in between where it's like we don't have to grind ourselves into the ground to try to find— like, don't fight the battles just for the sake of fighting. Fighting for fighting's sake is really not a valuable way to approach life. I don't think it's not a great strategy. And so avoiding the battles— if I go this direction, I can keep getting my little gold stars, and that feels good. That's not it either, right? So it's somewhere in between.

Yeah, because some of the battles that you might like want to fight might actually not be yours to fight.

Absolutely. Absolutely.

So, and that goes back to that being connected to yourself so you know which battles to take on. And which battles not to take on.

And I would, I would say that for most of us, and especially for women, our intuition is really powerful. And when we tune into it, we can see very clearly, you know, great if we can find the path of least resistance, that's amazing. And then sometimes along that path there is going to be an obstacle, and there's a part of us that probably is going to want to go a different direction, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. And yet if we're wanting to stretch beyond our current comfort zone at at some point we're going to have to open to the possibility of getting uncomfortable. And so I think part of, for me at least, part of leadership is becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable and not making that mean that I'm doing something wrong or that I'm a failure or that something is out of whack in my life. Um, and if you asked me 10 years ago, I would have said every time that things aren't going well and I feel intensely uncomfortable, I'm screwing it up, right? That's, that's something that we, you know, that we feel we learn. It's like if you were doing it right, things would be going well. And then there are just times where things are challenging, and finding the way to be intentional and on purpose and joyful and open in those moments is what really, I think, allows us to stretch into growth. It's not that we have to live that way all the time, but we do have to have those moments as we're stretching to new levels of ourselves.

Yeah, and I like to think of it as We're on this road, right? And we don't know what the final picture looks like. But I think we— you were talking about trust before. I think we have to trust that the things that we're doing here are going to help us to get us to that final picture, whatever that final picture is. We just don't have that visibility. Yeah, but everything that we are doing, we may not realize or want to accept in the moment that this difficulty is something that's good for me. I mean, you can't tell somebody that's just lost their job, this is a good thing for you, right?

Well done, you're gonna get stronger, good job. Exactly. Easy for you to say.

When you're able to take that step back and you look at the, the bigger picture, so to speak, You know, that's when maybe you can start to see, okay, you know, what good can come out of this situation that can help me moving forward? And it's coming from a place that you might not have ever thought of because you were not put under that stress and under that duress.

Yes, yes. And so much of our experience is how we frame things, right? How we hold perspective around things. So, you know, for some people— and it's not to say that losing something that's important or someone that's important is not going to be hard and painful. It's just to say that as we go through life and we learn some of these harder lessons, we're able to reframe things. We're able to see things from a new light and a new perspective. Um, and that does help us to leverage whatever we're, you know, to alchemize whatever situation is in front of us to create something better. And I think that's what I've striven for in myself. And it's still a work in progress always, is to be so grateful for when times are going wonderfully well, smoothly, beautifully. And it's like, I'm so grateful every single day that I have my health, I have my family, I have my home, I have my community. I have, you know, I'm just incredibly grateful. And then on the hard days to be able to still be grateful. Yeah, not that, oh, I'm so grateful this is a shitty day, but I'm grateful for all of the good. And yes, this is a hard situation. And to be able to stand that posture where I can be grateful on the good days and the easier days, and I can also be grateful and open on the days that are more challenging, you know, and not to hold them as I'm all after the great days and, oh God, I hate the, you know, I can't stand the pain of the challenging days. Because as humans, we're going to have both. There's no way around it.

No, for sure. All right, so what would you tell a woman who is struggling to find her purpose?

Trust her desires, trust yourself, um, you know, because we have this sense sometimes that we're supposed to know all the answers and it's supposed to— I remember working with a client who said, I just want like a billboard I want somebody to just like shout it from the sky at me and then I'll know, I'll know this is the right way to go. And I, you know, maybe some of us have those moments of revelation that are just like, boom, you know, the clouds open up, the light shines down and it illumines that perfect purpose ahead of us. And we're just like, let's go. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I imagine for most of us, and I know for me, it's something that we grow into along our journey. So I would say, you know, trust what is in your heart's desire. It's trust what's in your heart. What is, you know, when you, when you're with yourself in those quiet, calm, happy moments, whether you're outside on the beach or in the woods or on a mountaintop, or you're just sitting with yourself in a quiet place, what is it that comes through to you that's most important to you? That's a guidepost. And then be willing to get into action to create something based on that desire before you have all the answers. Because I think what we do is we wait for that. Flashing light that, you know, that flashing neon sign that tells us this way. And until we have that, we don't want to move, and we're uncomfortable, we're unhappy, we're not, you know, on purpose in our lives. And then we just want to wait around for the answers to come. Um, and, and really, in the process of moving into creation and action is where we start to figure out those answers, you know, in the struggle. It's like, don't avoid the struggle, try to find joy in the struggle, you know. If you're struggling with purpose, try to find joy along that path. Try to, try to find ways to get into creative action that give you an opportunity to test it out and see if this is for me. And, you know, we don't know. We think about it, you know, it's the analysis paralysis that we get into where we just turn our wheels and we just keep thinking it through and we can't figure it out. And it's a puzzle that you'll never solve. But once you get into action, you can start to trust, you know, how do I, what does my body tell me in this moment about what I'm doing? You know, am I able to be myself in this? Situation? Am I able to get the feedback that I need to know whether this is for me or not? Am I able to access resources that'll help me to develop myself and grow with the gifts and the skills that I need to be able to pursue this? And is this for me? I'll figure it out as I go, versus sitting and waiting for it to become clear. Um, very good. Trust yourself. Trust yourself.

The biggest thing, and, and I think it goes back to what you were talking about earlier, is being able to know yourself and love yourself and be centered in who you are, because that'll help you also to figure out what, what your purpose is. So I think those elements kind of fit very well together.

Yes, yes, yes. Well, and it's— I also feel like we don't have to have it all figured out to get moving.

Yeah.

You know, we— it's like purpose is such a big thing. And if I look at my own life trajectory since I graduated from college, it's like I've had, I've been on purpose in my life, but there have been many ways that I've been purposeful. It's not all one. And for some people it might be, it might be like you were born to be a musician and that's the, you know, but even with that twists and turns along the path, they're going to take you to different venues, different audiences, different, you know, styles, whatever it is. But it, I really sense that it's in the doing and the being, it's in the process that we really discover our purpose. And it's not a once-off thing for most of us. Yeah. And so being willing to kind of get in the game and try it on, you know, like when we were kids trying— like, what do you want to be when you grow up? And we— like, one minute you're going to be a firefighter, the next minute you're going to be an astronaut, the next minute you're going to be a teacher, the next minute you're going to be whatever, I'm gonna— an ice cream shop. And it didn't hurt to try to figure it out, right? Or to play dress-up. It didn't bother us to try on different costumes. But as we become adults, we're like, oh, there's there's a part of me, my identity is tied to this, so it's more painful or it's more of a struggle. If we bring in that play and that joy and that fun and that curiosity of like discovery, what can I discover about myself through this, then it's a lot less painful. Yeah, beautiful.

All right, so, um, I'm gonna ask you a couple more things. Um, are you willing to share a recent win?

Oh, um, oh goodness, a recent win. I feel like I celebrate wins every day just by like taking the next step forward. Um, I guess the biggest win that I would celebrate is, um, let's see, well, two things. One is I'm almost, uh, completed with editing my book, so that's exciting because it's been— thank you— a work in progress for over a year and a half. Um, So I'm very excited about that. I'll be even more excited when it's complete. Um, and I guess the other one is I've been finding that, um, as I'm more on purpose and intentional and really connected to myself in my own experience, that in my business, the clients that I'm working with are more and more, um, just aligned, you know, that I'm having the opportunity to work with amazing clients who are um, sort of seeking me out to be able to work together because I'm clearer and clearer on what it is that I'm here to do and what I'm here to give. Um, and so that's been just a huge gift and blessing, uh, an opportunity for me as well. Um, you know, and every time I'm in contact with these amazing women, it's like I'm living, I'm living my dream life and doing this work. So nice.

Awesome. And what are you grateful for?

Oh, every day, every breath. Oh, the trees outside my window. My family, my, my people, my, my— the support of my family who are so amazing, who have invested in me and trusted me and supported me and been up under me as I'm, uh, have taken this entrepreneurial journey. Um, the amazing friends and business sisterhood. Like you love that I've been able to connect with. Um, yeah, just the opportunity for growth and contribution every day.

So where can people find you? Do you have any upcoming master classes or challenges or anything that you want to share? How do people stay in touch with you?

Uh, let's see, my website, uh, if it is— I can drop it somewhere, but www.womenloveandleadership.com. Com. A bit long. Um, Facebook, Kristen Larette. Also on Instagram, that's new for me. Um, and I— the Facebook private community, um, that I, I love to be in and with, uh, Women Rocking Love and Leadership. Feel free to join.

Cool. And I'll put all that information in the, uh, in the notes. And, uh, but before we go, I'm going to ask you one last question. Um, what does living a purposeful life mean for you?

It really is, you know, all that we've talked about and shared today. It's really that sense of waking up each morning connected to what I'm here to give, how I'm here to grow, and really aligning my day-to-day actions with who I'm becoming and the contribution I'm here to make. It's really prioritizing very intentionally what I'm doing each day along that path and who I'm becoming as I'm doing these various activities. Nice. And trying to make the biggest difference that I can along the way.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's about the footprint that we leave, right? It's, you know, that's the important thing.

So, yes, absolutely. Well, and, and being an example, I, I've learned over the years that in all areas of our life. It's what, what, who, how we're able to connect with those around us, the relationships we build, and how we're able to connect. And then how we're really able to lead and, um, and model our best version of what living looks like so that it inspires and supports others. And if we're able to do that, those two things, if we're able to connect deeply, it's a win. Inspire others with our, our way of living, then That to me, you're on purpose, you're on the right path.

Awesome. Well, Kristen, thank you so much for spending this time together. Thank you, Alex, and, uh, it's been so fun to be with you. Yeah, and it's been fun having you, and let's stay connected.

Absolutely.

All right, take care.

Bye.