In this self‑help monologue, speaker Alexandra Niel guides viewers through the emotional aftermath of divorce, emphasizing that anger, grief, shame, and guilt are normal reactions. She clarifies that forgiveness is not condoning harmful behavior nor a sign of weakness; rather, it reflects personal strength and control. Niel stresses the importance of forgiving both the ex‑partner and oneself, explaining how holding grudges harms mental and physical health, citing research linking chronic anger to depression, PTSD, low self‑esteem, and illness. She outlines five practical steps to move toward forgiveness—acknowledge feelings, identify the source of pain, decide to forgive, empathize with the ex‑partner, and release the resentment—while recommending tools such as journaling, meditation, or professional help. After completing these steps, she advises setting healthy boundaries, focusing on personal growth, and re‑engaging with children, community, and future relationships. The overall message is that forgiveness unlocks freedom, improves well‑being, and paves the way for healthier future connections.
Chapters
It's perfectly normal to be angry after a divorce. You've just been through a trauma and you need to heal. And anger is part of the grieving process. When I asked my former husband for a divorce, I was angry. I was angry that I didn't find a way to make it work. And I hated that despite everything that I had tried to do, we still had gotten to that point. And if you're on the receiving end of a divorce, of course you're going to be angry. That's also perfectly normal. But it might not be the only emotion you feel. You might feel some sadness, resentment, shame, guilt. But what's also an important part of the process is letting that anger and whatever other negative emotion run their course, because by letting them run their course, that's how you're able to heal, and that's how you come back stronger than you were before. So what really is forgiving? Forgiving is not about condoning bad behavior. It's never going to be okay or right for somebody to cheat on their spouse, for somebody to be emotionally or physically abusive. Forgiving somebody is also not a sign of weakness. When you are able to forgive the person who wronged you, you show strength and you show courage. It also shows that you are in control of yourself and your emotions, and because you can do that, you're not giving away your power. But it's not just about forgiving the other person. It's also about forgiving yourself. When I asked my former husband for a divorce, I knew that I was hurting him, and I carried a lot of blame, and I carried a lot of guilt because I knew how much I hurt him. And I carried that guilt and that shame because I couldn't find a way to make it work, and because I knew I was hurting him. And I had to learn to forgive myself for that, because holding on to grudges takes an emotional toll. Do you ever remember a time where you might have been really mad at somebody for whatever they did? Do you remember how that felt? I've in there. And I remember I was feeling exhausted. I was— my nerves were always on edge. It's not a pleasant place to live. It takes its toll not only emotionally, but it also takes a toll physically. It warps our view of the world. But over time, think about who holding grudges hurts more. Does it hurt the person that you're holding a grudge against more, or does it hurt you because you're holding on to that hurt and to that pain. And I've also seen how anger spills over and how we talk to our children. We may be so mad at our former spouse that we can't help but talk poorly about them, or we get mad at our children because they say something about the other parent, especially if we feel like, or if it looks like, maybe they're happier than I am. Holding on to those unresolved emotions really doesn't help you and it actually holds you back from moving forward with this new chapter of your life. You can't really open yourself up to new opportunities. You can't get excited about what life has to bring now that you happen to be on your own again. It's hurting not just your mental health, but it could hurt your physical health as well, because studies have shown that when you hold on to that pain, when you hold on to that anger and those grudges, You're more likely to face depression, to have PTSD, and to actually get sick. And that in the long run is going to turn into lower self-esteem and chronic pain. Is that what you really want? But there's so many benefits to forgiving. When we learn to forgive and to let go, we experience a tremendous amount of freedom. We're no longer held back and dragged down by that anchor of anger and negative mindset or negative feelings. Our mental health improves, our physical health improves, we have less stress, less anxiety, other relationships improve because we're not sour, and we improve our self-esteem, and we also open up the door for personal growth and self-improvement. And how about a more positive outlook on life? That said, along with forgiving somebody else, you have to be able to forgive yourself. It really is counterproductive to walk around beating yourself up. We've all done this where, you know, we self-flagellate. Who does it benefit? It doesn't benefit anyone. It does you no good, and it does you, in the context of your other relationships, no good either. So what's the point? The best thing that you can do is to release the anger, to release the resentment, the blame, the shame, the guilt, all of those things, so that you can move on in a way that is positive and constructive, so you can rebuild your life in the way that you want to rebuild your life. So how do you do that? Well, there are 5 things that you can do that are going to help you to move forward. So the first thing is acknowledging your feelings. Be honest with yourself and accept and understand that you are having these emotions And it's perfectly okay. You just experienced or have just finished your divorce. It's totally normal to have those emotions. But like we said before, it's not okay for you to live there. And knowing where you stand and where you are today is a great first step to know where you need to go from here. Number 2 is to understand where is that pain coming from. What is the source of the pain? Do you feel betrayed, hurt? Are you angry? Do you feel stupid for what happened? Write it all down. Capture all of those emotions. Emotions. Just the fact of being able to write them down is going to help to untangle all of that knot of emotions. Number 3: make a decision to forgive. It's that simple. It's not easy, but it is that simple. Forgiveness is a decision. You can choose to let it go, no longer let those emotions rule your life, because they're not only ruling your life, they are ruling other people's lives. And it's not going to be a flip the switch kind of thing, right? It's a process. It takes time. You just have to chip away at it little by little to eventually get to the outcome that you're looking for. Number 4, which might be a little bit more difficult to do depending on where you are in the process, is really trying to empathize with your partner. Try to see where they might have been coming from. What might they be thinking, or What could they have felt? Being able to step into their shoes is going to give you a greater understanding of the dynamic in the relationship, and it's also going to open up the door for you to show a little bit of compassion. Just like you need to show yourself some compassion, it's important for you to show your ex-partner some compassion as well. And last but not least, release and let go. Let that stuff go. You don't need it in your life because it keeps you trapped. It keeps you in a box. And you have many resources available to be able to let that go, whether it's journaling, meditating, seeking professional help, whatever it is. Find a way that works for you so you can just release it, let it go, and move on. Okay, so you've done the work. What's next? Setting boundaries, because you need to protect your peace. You can focus on more positive things, your personal growth, how you can engage with your kids in a different way, if you have children, how you can engage with your community, your friends, in a different way because you're not holding on to all that anger and all that rage. And the thing is, when you're holding on to your emotions, you're actually not emotionally available for the people in your life and who you want to be close with and connected with. So I encourage you to really take that first step to forgiveness and to forgive not just them, but forgive yourself. We're all human, we all make mistakes, and it's okay. It's part of life, and it's what helps us to learn so that we don't make the same mistakes more than once. And the more you can learn about yourself as a result of what you're going through now, the more likely you are to have a significantly better relationship in the future.
