The Power of Solitude | How She Turned Silence into Self Love

Hello, heroines! This is Alex. I hope you guys are having a wonderful day, and today I wanted us to have a quick chat with Sanna Kettunen. So we were just talking about Sanna's name, and so maybe we'll share a little anecdote around, around Sanna and, and how she says her name and whether she uses her full name or just her first Last name. Anyways, on that note, I just wanted to welcome Sana. You'll find, I think, that Sana's story is absolutely a story of inspiration, a story of resilience, a story that I think will resonate because I think it's the story of many women, although it takes different shape. I think we all have that story of strength and courage and resilience inside of us. So, Sana, welcome.

Oh, thank you so much, Alex. Amazing to be here. Love your group name and your mission.

Ah, thank you, thank you. So why don't we start, Sana, by— why don't you tell us a little bit about who you are, where you're from, and what you do?

Sure. So my name is Sonja and I'm living in Finland close to Helsinki, the capital, half an hour from it. And I am a graphic artist, a brand designer, an author, and I'm passionate about self-love. And that's what my book is all about too. And it's all of these things that I mentioned. Yeah, The Best Is Yet to Come: Rediscover Who You Are. And all of these things that I mentioned myself to be, I haven't for that long time. They have all come together as a result of my own journey of finding myself again. Didn't even know there was anything else to find, but little did I know, I'm still finding all the time, discovering myself, and it's been a beautiful journey, but Didn't feel like that in the beginning, for sure. So my story basically has been in all its simplicity, which it hasn't been, has been me reconnecting back to the little girl I used to be, remembering her extremely strongly, very creative, very intuitive, in tune with everything, nature. Myself and the world around me. Then I just started with life happenings and traumas, you know, gathering them as little drift away from my truth and started to hide and not believe in my creativity and stuff and went against myself in all the ways that I could possibly think of, escaped and hid myself and got in to a lot of trouble. Um, one was, um, getting into unhealthy relationships, which I didn't even understand that I was in. And the root was my own unhealthy relationship with myself. That was the cause of everything. So that's basically it.

And this is exactly the reason why I wanted to bring you on here, because one of the things that is key for me, especially for women coming out of a divorce, um, because sometimes people will ask me, what's your recommendation, right? What do you say to a woman coming out of a divorce? And the first thing is always learn to be okay with yourself, learn to spend time with yourself, be with yourself, and be okay with, with who you are. And I think you go even deeper than that, because you talk about really self-love. So tell us a little bit more about that.

Yeah, that was you mentioning to spend time by yourself. That was the thing that I came to realize that I was escaping, like in every single way. And even when I was alone, After my second divorce, I wasn't. I was escaping in every single way. I wanted to kind of have the peace of mind and the quiet and space for myself. But when I had it, I had, I couldn't handle the silence. I was always activating or calling someone or arranging some activities or whatever. I could not stand the silence because I couldn't allow myself to feel and process and think like I, it was so uncomfortable and so scary to go there. But I will say that the only way to learn to love, that I came to learn to love myself, was to just do that and not to be afraid of spending time in silence. And I mean, I had to practice. It took years gradually to learn to to be comfortable with it, learn to relax into it. But it was worth it all. What I wish I could have had someone say when I was like in the beginning of it was that it doesn't feel so comfortable now, but it will feel better and better. And you give the time that you need, but you cannot simply go wrong. With not finding the best feeling ever, because you're gonna— you're meant to love your own company, and you simply just keep on doing it, practicing until you are there. It's as simple as that. I wish somebody had said that to me.

I can, I can totally see that, because it's just like anything else that we do or that we experience that is uncomfortable. It gets better with time, and it's a practice, right? We just have to keep showing up and keep showing up, even in the moments when it's, when it's difficult. Because like you said, if, you know, because you, you said you, you were always, you know, running away, running away, doing things so that you wouldn't have— just like career women, for example, who are coming out of a divorce. I know I experienced that after my divorce. I buried myself in my work because I didn't want to feel, right? And it's the thing that we run from the most is the one thing that we need to feel whole.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And I think that one reason why it was so difficult was because I was so used to asking advice, and I was searching for cues— how, what was appropriate, what is the right thing, how should I like be— and how, not in a way where I would ask someone, I wasn't that bold, but I was observing all the time, and I was just like, give me some cues, like, you know, facial expression or something, you know, that what is like acceptable, how should I be, and is someone happy and stuff. And when I didn't have that, I was like, oh my God, I don't know how to, like, I don't have answers. I didn't think that I would have them. I wasn't ever learned to think for myself and stuff. I'm scared of it. Oh yeah.

Yeah. And I think The, the most of what you hear from society these days, I think the encouragement is to look outside for the answer when we actually have the answer in here the whole time, right? Because you go to Instagram, you go to Facebook, you come here, right? And it's, this is what has worked. For other people, right? And it's a good place to start because when you don't know where to start, then you start by experimenting with what's worked with other people. But at some point, you also have to do your own inner work and say, okay, does this work for me? So how do you, how do you start that discovery process?

Um, it's so individual, and, uh, depending on in what stage one is. And you were mentioning to— I, I would say that in any ways to just build your own supportive environment, even if you don't have— because for me it was really difficult, um, finding the answers. I had no idea what was happening. Like all that, like, you know, going through a spiritual awakening and then going through challenges that I was facing that I had no one who believed in my, like, my people in my life. Nobody believed what was happening. And then to be in that situation, to not have that support or anyone believing in you. I never thought I would be in that kind of place. I had to start to learn to trust myself and believe because I was like, okay, so no one, I've been now quite a long time in this space. I better freaking start to give it to myself because I'm, where am I going otherwise? So then I started to, you know, like you mentioned, Instagram and stuff like that. Like I just immersed myself with positive information in any way I could. And guided meditations were, for me, that was like the most greatest thing for me to learn to relax first. Because there was no way I was going to sit and meditate in silence. Uh-uh. There's like no way someone could get me 5 minutes to sit still. I couldn't even watch a movie. It was horrible. Like, I always had to do something. So guided meditation—

Always have to run.

Yeah. My boys were like, what the heck? Sit down, like in a movie theater I would sit still because I wouldn't, I can't go and empty a dishwasher if I'm there. But I guided meditations, I was like, it was a great amazing feeling when I fell asleep to them. That was like gradually. And then I started to really love them, listen to them. And then after a long time, I started to be in nature and just lay down in nature and just like listen to no music, nothing, just my breathing and all the sounds and touch everything. And then I started to little by little to just be able to— and I actually loved then the silence, something I was escaping, and now it's so important part of having every day, that for me.

So would you say it's a question of developing trust?

Yes, and I probably, I probably didn't answer at all your question.

No, it's fine.

But absolutely, it is. That is what it all comes down to, and it's something we have to practice continuously. I do too.

Yeah, no, and, and I'm, I'm with you because I think it's something we— that's a continuous practice. And the funny thing is we seem to trust more outside information than inside information, right? Especially when we're starting in this journey, you— you're— I find I'm more likely to trust what other people are doing because, well, if they have it figured out and I don't, then they must be doing something right. Rather than—

I am, I think I'm a little bit opposite of it actually. That's why probably I've been alone so long time.

But it's, but it's good. And I think again, I think it's a process of, you know, outside in, outside in. Because this is truth. And to me, that's how I make, kind of make that, that distinction.

Yeah, it's so important. Every single one should trust themselves. We all need to trust ourselves. It will reflect outwards, for sure.

Yeah, and it's, it's an energy, right? It's an energy that we, that we radiate, and it's, it's trust and confidence at the same. I think they're closely, they're closely related. And if we don't trust ourselves and if we don't have confidence in ourselves, then it's difficult for other people to feel that for us, right? Because it's not the energy that we're, that we're putting out there.

Yeah, yeah, that is true, and it is very powerful. And, and you're— I agree with that. I came to understand that having also the trust then for others, um, is extremely important. And the same goes that others trusting us because that gives— if I feel that somebody trusts me, that gives me also, then amplifies the confidence. And I'm just thinking as, as a mother in the mother role, that when— if I— and I used to be a crazy worrier. That was like part of me, why I couldn't relax. I don't anymore. I've let go of that. I still worry, but not in that way that it takes over my life. But I came to understand that, oh my goodness, how can that give confidence if they feel the energy that I trust in them and trust, like, no matter, like, do your thing and I trust. And that's what they need to feel. And that's what I want to also feel if I go and do something like, oh, what are you doing? Of course it's going to freak me out. And I'm like, oh my God, oh, maybe I'm not after all. So honestly, This trust is mega big thing.

Yeah, it is. It is a mega big thing. And so I'm curious, um, because knowing your story and knowing what, what you've gone through, um, what is, what was your biggest surprise? Like, what was something unexpected that came from your journey that you just, I mean, obviously it's unexpected because you didn't expect it, but what was something unexpected that had had an impact on your life?

I mean, that is a great question. I have like in my mind, it's like coming plenty of different things. It's been like One thing after another. Um, but I will say that, um, I never knew it was possible to love myself. I never knew it was possible for me to be in this place. I never— I honestly, that I didn't read any self-love books or anything, self-help books or anything like that, because I did— I thought there was no hope. I didn't— there was not even a little piece of hope for me that I could ever get everything that I was holding inside, that I felt like that it could ever go away, that it was just a way of feeling like guilt and shame. That I had. So that has been like the greatest discovery ever that I never thought was possible. And it's like the reason behind everything, why I'm here now. And it's been extremely magical.

We love magic. Yeah, so, and I don't know if it's possible to do this, but can you— because you've been on both sides, right? You've been— you're today on the side of self-love and loving yourself and being graceful with yourself and understanding and all of these things, but you've also been on the other side. So how, how do you describe the difference in how you feel inside between, between those two, having that love and not, like, and not having it? Like, what's— I'm just trying to think of something tangible, if, if it's possible, that can resonate with our heroines.

Do you mean that how I feel now versus like basically how I felt then?

Yeah.

I would say that now, um, I would say joyful, blissful, peaceful. Harmonious. And then I would say that how it used to be— messy, chaos, um, anxiousness, sadness.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, and hopeful, hopeless. Yes.

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

So it's, it's completely different than I could add so much more into the better side of it, like, just excitement and, and just like, yeah, I obviously like if I mentioned harmony, it's like a constant thing that is like one of those, one of my keywords that I always direct myself or orient myself towards when I'm not in connection with myself. I know how it feels to be totally connected with myself, and it's then it's all like peace, love, harmony. But it, it's not like I'm all the time constantly there. I just know that, okay. You got a little bit work to do, or you got a lot of work to do.

And depending on the day, it might be a little bit more work or a little bit less work.

Yes, absolutely.

Because even when you're here, you still have those ups and downs, right? You just are overall at a different level.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And also it depends on what we are doing. Are we like, you know, peacefully, um, in a state where we're like just relaxing, tuning in? Or are we doing an activity that is also part of like loving and, and participating in that blissful like feeling of us being ourselves, but we are actually doing like some activity that can be like making our heart like beat like really like fast, but it's still like in harmony with our true essence. So in that way, it's very multifaceted. Yeah, yeah.

But I like that distinction. Thank you for, thank you for sharing that. Um, I have no doubt. So any, anything else that you wanted to share, um, for our ladies who are coming out of a divorce and starting this journey of self-discovery and rebuilding after the end of their long-term relationship? Anything that is important to mention that maybe we haven't touched on yet?

Well, plenty of things. To say, right? But I would just encourage to give yourself time and don't compare yourself with anyone, even if you are surrounded in support groups with others who are going through divorce. Just know that your journey is unique, that you have within you the wisdom to listen to that. How much healing time do you need? What do you need, need at any current moment? And just honor that and give yourself time. And also, don't be afraid to express yourself. That if anything I understood throughout my journey, even when I wasn't conscious that I was consciously understanding that I was like on the healing journey. I understood that reflecting back that the key thing was expression, to just find ways to speak out, write, through movement, any ways that you have to just express, express, express all the feelings. There's no wrong feelings, that that is the healer, is the expression. And you will feel when it's like out then it can come again, then it's again the same thing. And it's like we're all here to express. So that is like one thing that I would just really emphasize, and to just know that no matter how difficult or sad and, you know, things might feel, that it's just temporary. And the most beautiful discovery is there for you to get to, and it will all be more than, more than good. It will be all amazing.

Well, I think you're amazing. So, Sana, thank you so much for, for sharing your story and sharing your wisdom.