Two Flowers Talking Podcast: Conditional vs unconditional love

I wanted to take some time to talk to you about your thoughts on conditional versus unconditional love. Unconditional love is like thrown around a lot in terms of especially family in terms of friendships, when you say if that person is loyal to you, that they are unconditionally loving of you and everything that encompasses you, right? And then at the same time, we hear the conversation about boundaries and how we're supposed to set boundaries. And so I think there's some confusion there, and maybe something that we can talk about to maybe provide some clarity when it comes between that type of love. So what are your thoughts?

Yeah, so my thoughts on it are oftentimes we're raised in the dynamic of both. We're told we are loved unconditionally. This is— I'm starting from when we're children in some families. I'm not saying this is across the board, but for some families it's like, I love you no matter what, I love you unconditionally, which can be true. And then there's more of like this mental energy and emotional energy of, but here's how you are to be a human, a good human, a good child, a good sister, a good daughter, a good son, you know. And there's this concept of like, here's how the blueprint of how to do this. And so we're taught like what's good and bad, what's right and wrong. We're told do this, don't do this. And that can be confusing when we're smaller, when we're like a little soul learning how to have a body again. Because we're told, "I love you unconditionally," but then we're treated a certain way, you know, sometimes negatively if we don't, in a sense, fall into line within our family unit or system, or this can bleed into like our school life or culture or society in general as we grow up. To me, that idea, it's confusing in your humanness to be told one thing, but then you're feeling another way. And so then on some level, you start to think to yourself, hmm, am I worthy of receiving unconditional love? And maybe that's stored subconsciously, because if you don't do what you're told, then oftentimes it's like, oh, well, I'm not going to love you. I'm going to be— they don't say that to you, but you're going to be put in the corner or timeout or whatever it is. And then you feel bad and you feel sad. And sometimes there's not an allowance for like processing the feeling of what actually happened. So that would be kind of my experience of like unconditional and conditional love and how like both can exist at the same time. Because on a soul level, we do love unconditionally. But then there's that like human element of like people have expectations on us. And so it's like, how do we navigate that? Right.

Yeah, well, and then I'm thinking too, as we get older, we go through more experiences that change us, right? So for us to think that relationships that were once fostered when we were children are the same when we become adults, and, you know, for example, like especially family is a good example because as you get older, of course your parents are always going to think of you as your little toddler self running around, or maybe you were a wicked teenager, and these are the things that they think about instead of, um, now you've matured and now you've gone through other experiences and now our relationship changes.

Yeah.

And I think change and unconditional love, it's a difficult concept to match the two. You because maybe you did things in the past that were not nice, you know, or maybe you said things that were hurtful. And so then it's hard to move past some things, I guess, especially when it comes to family, uh, because friends, I mean, you can— you talk about sometimes where we— you can just walk away from certain people who are not on the same path, you know, you just part ways in a way. You are moving forward in a different direction, then that person is either staying where they are or trying to figure out where they go, that's one thing. But with family, I think creates a little more— there's more of an emotional tie, you know. And I think it's challenging when there's not something so horrendous, you know, like if, if, uh, if the relationship went bad because of bad actions, you know, like abuse or something like that. I think it would be in some ways easier to let go of somebody who doesn't treat you with love at all, but it's more challenging when it's not so egregious. It's just subtle little things and you still care for them, so walking away isn't really an option. So is that unconditional love or are you putting conditions on that as well? Like conditions that your relationship change or else I'm going to leave. Is that a condition?

You know, my thoughts on it are is that like the relationship can always change. And like with family, that like you're saying, can be more challenging because there is that like whole history of like your life experiences. And again, everyone has their own perception of what went down based on their versions of reality and the roles that they're playing within that. And I do think that translates across all relationships as well as everyone's like in their own reality of like what's going on based on the roles that we're playing out with each other and the lessons there. But in terms of like relationships that we want to transition into something different, possibly, or, you know, with family, we're going to stay in touch with them possibly, or, you know, meet at the family event that's happening or that holiday. It's like, how do we navigate that? And that's the part where it's about us showing up and meeting the situation new and meeting them new. Like, can I get to a place within myself where I can forgive the past, where I can have gratitude for the lessons and what that taught me about how to be present with who I am today and how I'm feeling today? I think this is the key in this whole topic, is to notice how you feel. Feel in relationship to someone else. And then from that place, implement whatever boundaries that you need to. And I know that can be challenging when, again, there's like a dynamic or a looping pattern that comes up. And especially, you know, if it's someone who's really quick and knows how to push your buttons and they'll just go right to that if you're not like falling into line or doing— you're not doing what they want you to do. You know, in those moments, if we can just pause and take a breath and be like, just, can you excuse me for one second? And then like, go check yourself, take a breath and like, go to the bathroom or something and show up maybe in a different way than you have before. And that can be really challenging to like shift how we respond to a situation. But that pause or even that breath in that moment of the conversation is like, how do I want to respond now? What am I feeling right now? And you could even say that, you know, I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now, or I'm feeling like I need some time to make a decision about what you're asking, or I'm just speaking to different scenarios. But the core of what I'm saying here is checking in with like, what am I actually feeling now? And not what I felt all those years in relationship with that person, or what I think that person's going to think about me making a new choice for myself in the future. It's like, what am I actually feeling? And then it's about loving yourself unconditionally to make that choice for you regardless of how that other person will perceive it. And that's another hard part because then it's that judgment that feels— makes the love feel conditional.

So, um, yeah, yeah, it's a tough one. I, I think it's Um, especially because, like you said, being in the moment, you're trying to come at this in a new way, so it's new to you, right? So you haven't had to practice or be under that kind of— I guess scrutiny is kind of a tough word, but you're in that moment and they're seemingly in control. And so for you to pull yourself back from that situation and like I guess the boundary there would be creating the space you need to think, I guess. And so by just by creating that space for yourself is setting a boundary, right?

Yeah. And too, like saying, you know, if they're bringing up stuff from the past or something you've said from the past, you could be like, you know, that was me 5 years ago, or that was me last week, and I feel different now. I've worked through that now, you know. So try to invite them into the present moment with you too is another thing I like to do is like, yeah, I remember when I was feeling that way, or I remember when it was really hard for me to be, um, emotionally vulnerable, you know, in front of people. It was really hard for me, but now I'm doing— trying and working on being more open and wanting to share with you how I feel right now, you know. And so that's something that I try to like help when there's a lot of conversations going on about like what I used to do or how I used to be or all of those things or something I've done, you know, like, yeah, you know, take accountability for my role too if I need to in that situation or what I said or whatever. Like, yeah, I was saying that from a place of like what I was going through at that time. And I take full accountability and I'm sorry if that hurt or offended you, but this is how I feel now, you know, and I want to move forward with you in this way. You know, and that might surprise them, like, well, what is she talking about? Like, it might like throw them off guard too. And they'll then in a sense, like, have to kind of scramble of like, well, what do I do with this? That's not how he or she used to respond, you know? So anyway, yeah, no, I do.

I think it's, it's to be able to come from a calmer space if someone's coming at you like to fight, right? And then you bring your energy to fight, then there's going to be a fight, right?

Yeah.

But if somebody comes at you ready to fight because that's how they operate, you know, yeah, and then you don't, you come passively, it diffuses their energies, you know. And, and so, I mean, I don't know, like in some situations I'm sure I'd be excusing myself quite a bit. Yeah, I have to go to the bathroom now. I'm sorry, I need to go take a breath. I'm sorry, I need to go outside right now. But at the same time, I think that practice, um, is good. It's, it's practicing being a passive person, but at the same time being in the moment and actually being more in control, which is the— I think what people will find there's some irony to that, you know, that you're actually more in control when you're calm.

Yeah. And I even like would suggest using like that— it's not even being passive, it's just like observing the situation in the moment. So you're still in a sense being assertive by asserting your boundary of not going into whatever like thing they're trying to draw you into, you know. So you're not like just letting it happen, but you're just observing it. And then it's like, it takes so much courage. This is the other thing that, as you were sharing, like, you know, it takes so much courage to just stand in that role of the observer regardless of what's going on around you. And again, that can like extend out into like world situations and everything. So, you know, it's really, it really becomes this practice of like, can I show up in my truth, the truth of who I am, and in unconditional love in my heart for myself and all those around me. And that means we have to free ourselves from judgments, from expectations. Judgments on ourself and others, expectations on ourselves and others. And this is the hardest one I think that we're talking about, is like attachment, even to ourselves and to others. Because that's the whole thing, is like, oh, I don't want to let go of this person. I don't want to like lose my mom in a sense, or whatever the role is. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be a loss in a sense, but there's again that this language of like a transformation that can take place within the relationship as you bring it to the present and slowly, maybe over time, find your voice and way of communicating in a new way that invites this person into where you want to be met and where you're loving yourself at, at this moment and what you're willing to accept in and around your energy field, um, and emotional energy and mental energy and all of it, physical as well. So yeah, it doesn't have to just be physical space, but there's a sense of like protecting your emotional energy too, or your mental health. Um, if someone is getting into this like looping pattern with you, it takes some courage to like confront that within yourself of like, whoa, this has happened, and then in a sense confront this situation with love and approach that person. I'm like, I'm really feeling this way when this is happening, and I would like it to shift into this direction. Here's how I think that can happen. Are you willing to meet me here and see what happens?

I guess it kind of brings up everyone's personal definition of love, right? Yeah, the kind of love that you feel for friends, the love you feel for family, how you feel towards one person versus another, right? Versus universal love. And I was thinking while you were talking about that, it's like when we say I love you or I'm releasing you with love, like, is that— do you— are you really feeling like that you're giving love by doing this, or is it just something that we say? It's a nice thing to say, like, um I don't know, like, you know, when you're at the grocery store, for example, and someone says something obnoxious or whatever, and, you know, you wanted to say, I release you with love and light, you know, like, it doesn't have to be to their face. But is that really love, or is that just a way of you convincing yourself that you should be exuding that more positive energy, I guess?

Well, I mean, that question and that, like, conversation again is like We love all beings unconditionally because we are all one. We're all from the same source, universe, God, whatever word you want to use it. Like, we're all that energy. So honestly, like, when we talk about different roles— and this is something that's been challenging that I've shared with a few people in my life— but it's like, I really practice unconditionally loving and letting go of like all roles and attachments to roles. Because yes, I have closer or deeper connections on some level, of course, like with my child or with people who are really close to me. Um, it's a different connection because there's a different purpose there, but the love is unconditional for all beings. For the person who was mean to me at the grocery store, like there's this unconditional love of like, wow, he or she must like really be hurting or struggling or going through something in their life. So I can have compassion where they are, but I'm still going to create that space between like, wow, I'm going to like get out of here as soon as I can because that doesn't feel— there's that like feeling word again. This energy that's being projected towards me is not feeling safe or comfortable for me, so I'm going to remove myself from the situation, leave the store. And that one, it's easy to do. And release that in a sense of like, oh, that experience happened, and like, I'm just gonna send unconditional love and release this whole situation from my energy field at this moment in time. So yeah, to not bring down your day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's, um, that is definitely something that requires a daily practice. Like, yeah, by putting yourself into situations daily, we're constantly practicing unconditional love.

Yeah, but it starts from within yourself, and I think that that is the place to begin, like self-love, unconditional self-love. Because again, like how we started earlier in this conversation, like that's where we— the origin of like when we come into this world and we learn how to navigate it is like, I'm worthy of love. When I do this, or I act this way, or say this, you know, or I perform in this way, you know. And so it's coming back to this like universal truth that just your pure existence of being makes you worthy of unconditional love. And to start from there, and then as you find that within yourself and release all your tethers to, again, these judgments, expectations, and attachments, As you find that within yourself and love yourself unconditionally, then it becomes easier to love others, everyone outside of you, unconditionally, and then still maintain that, again, boundary when there doesn't feel like there's alignment or purpose or positive connection in the direction that you as an ascending soul or spirit want to be going in. And if that's your goal or that's your intention, to have positive, loving, supportive relationships holding that energy of intention and then feeling, oh, this environment, this relationship feels positive, loving, unconditionally loving and supportive to me. And then the ones that don't, that's where we give less time or energy or attention. But it doesn't mean there's not love there. And that's where I'm saying, like, relationships can transition over time. So Yeah.