Breaking Free: Overcoming Limiting Beliefs with Vin Infante

Welcome to the Amberly Lago Show, stories of true grit and grace. Thank you so much for tuning in to the Amberly Lago Show. I have a real treat for you today, especially if you're anything like me. I've had the confidence knocked right out of me. I have struggled with limiting beliefs and a lot of times self-doubt. Especially when I was like turning in my new book to the publisher. So I am really super excited to have our guest here today with this. His name is Vin Infante, and y'all, let me just tell you about this man. He's amazing. So he's not only a licensed psychotherapist, he's a master mindset coach, entrepreneur, and he's got over a decade of experience helping individuals transform transform their lives. Now look, he specializes in guiding people to break through limiting beliefs. Uh, I think we all need that. Embracing personal growth and to really unlock their full potential. He's passionate about empowering others to live more fulfilling lives by building resilience, clarity, and confidence. Y'all, he has been featured in so many things. He's got a top podcast, but he and I have the honor of being on his podcast. Just saying. So y'all go listen to his podcast too. But he's been featured in Forbes, Entrepreneurial, New York Weekly, USA Today. That's just to name a few. And I'm so excited to have you here, Vin. Thank you so much for joining us.

Well, thanks so much for having me and for such a glowing introduction.

Oh, well, you're amazing. We got on the phone and just were talking and really connected and hit it off. And then I was like, man, you should come to my conference. And I think you are. Are you coming?

Oh, yeah, I'm 100% down.

Okay. Because I have your name on my whiteboard, just so you know.

I love it.

I'm serious. But I have so many questions to ask you. And look, I think we all struggle at times, or maybe— and I know I'm not the only one because one of my friends who's a very successful entrepreneur, she just messaged me this morning and she's about to do some really big things, and she is in a season of self-doubt. And I think that a lot of entrepreneurs, it's like the ups and downs of being an entrepreneur. Um, and I think maybe a lot of people look at you and they're like, oh, well, he's got it all figured out. But what I love about you is that you not only have, like, the, you know, the brains and the studies with the psych— you know, coaching and mindset and the whole therapy side of how to level up, But it's because you were there. Like, you really struggled through a dark time. So before we get started in giving some tips and tools for people to gain confidence and shatter their limiting beliefs, can you tell us a little bit about how did you get out of that dark place and decide that you wanted more out of life?

Well, you know what? I'll preface the story with one of the biggest things about what I'm currently doing. Why I stopped being a psychotherapist is because I feel like the system fails a lot of people. And to be fair, I'm not fully not a psychotherapist anymore. I just don't subscribe to the traditional methods and modalities anymore. I refuse to diagnose people. I refuse to tell people they need medications. And that's a big part of actually what helped me transform. Because my story was— Yeah, I think that that's the biggest issue is that people hold on to their identities when they get diagnosed. Yeah, it's interesting. I think it— what are we like, the Gen Z when you're 30 or younger? Is that—

I don't know. I always get confused. I don't know what I am.

So you got— let's just say it's Gen Z. If anybody, any of the listeners want to correct me, you're welcome to do so. I don't care. But let's just say it's Gen Z. Everybody's like excited nowadays to go get a diagnosis to figure out what's wrong with them.

Exactly. And then they Pride themselves. They label themselves. That's why I, you know, I was diagnosed with CRPS. I refuse to call myself like CRPS warrior. I have CRPS. No, it's something I was diagnosed with, but I don't claim it or own it.

Exactly, exactly. So a big part of what I say is ditch your diagnosis and. That's a big part why I wanted to start with that and preface that is because that's a big start of a big part of my story. So when I was younger, I was that outcasted kid. I got bullied and it was always innocent at the start. And then, you know, it grew throughout the years. And it's funny because when you start really thinking back, you maybe weren't bullied, but you definitely knew you weren't really fitting in either. And I could think all the way back to when I was in kindergarten. And we play make-believe and we play house and people would tell me to go be the dog. And what the dog did was just laid in the corner until somebody, until somebody called you and said, come here, I wanted to pet you. So, right. It's just, I never really fit in even since that. And, you know, we look at that and that's very innocent and it's very fun, but it was the pre— the prelude to what I did wind up going through. And so as I got older, progressively the practical jokes and the pranks got harsher. They got a little bit more targeted. I mean, in middle school, I, I was thrown down steps before. I had my middle school crush pants me in the schoolyard. I really liked her, so that wasn't cool. And then as we started getting a bit older, now in high school, it was more interesting. I used to get thrown into trash cans. I've gotten pushed into lockers. It was this thing where you've seen those bullying movies?

Yeah.

That doesn't happen to kids. And we all laugh at it because it's so exorbitant. You're like, Who's the kid that's actually getting shoved into a locker?

Yeah.

And there is really very few of them, but I was one. And so with that being said, you're going through all of this. You're not really sure where you fit in in life or school. You have a little bit of trouble at home because, you know, your brother gets involved with the wrong kinds of people, and now there's a little less peace in your house. And so where do you go? What do you do? Well, for me, I got really addicted to video games. They became my escape from reality. And my therapist would clinically diagnose me with depression, anxiety, panic disorder. I had a lot of self-harm. I had suicidal ideation. And these were just things that I would deal with. These were just ways that I had, you know, coped, or at least the self-harm was right. Not, not the other stuff. That was just what I had. And it was interesting because I didn't realize it, but I was living in victimhood. For most of my life.

Yeah.

And this was a big, big problem for me because I couldn't see that. Because as a young kid, you don't realize you're in a state of victimhood. You just know that you feel helpless and powerless. And, you know, for me, I was so young, I didn't have the tools or the training. So I'm just sitting here thinking, well, I'm depressed because I keep getting thrown in the trash can by this kid, or I'm depressed because that one's making fun of the fact fact that I'm chubby, or I'm depressed because I can't get a girlfriend, or whatever you want to assign to it.

Yeah.

So I lived in this state of victimhood for most of my life. And funny enough, I like to tell people this now, is that I'm 33 currently. I didn't start really transforming my life and breaking out of victimhood until I was about 23. And so I actually lived still to this day longer as a victim than I did as somebody who's empowered and understands how to master their life. And I'm still on that journey. So I like to really make that clear to people. It's not like, you know, oh, you're this empowered person for X period of time. I'm, in my opinion, I'm still sort of coming out of victimhood.

Well, yeah. And you know what, I still have, I still have nightmares sometimes, where I have that bully in school who said, things and did the mean things, they still creep up. So it's still there in my subconscious, even though I'm in my 50s. And so thank you for sharing that. You're still like, we're all a work in progress. And I think, you know, despite your luminous accomplishments and success, that you're so relatable and you're so humble about everything. And I love that. Um, you get people out of that victimhood. I see a lot of that victimhood mentality. Um, and it's almost like people don't want help. They don't want to do the work. And I love that you talk about mindset because I was in a support group for CRPS and I had a lot of people get upset with me because I use mindset to get through. days of, you know, every day I have chronic pain and I use my mindset. I refuse to be a victim to this nerve disease. I am going to move forward with grit and with some grace, hopefully. But when you come across somebody that is in that victim mentality, what's the first thing that you do to get to have them break free and become the victor of their life?

That's a great question. You know, one of the funnier things about this, this victim mentality is, have you ever heard negative people have a problem for every solution?

That makes sense because I know some negative people in my life and I swear it's like talking to a wall. I could say I won the lottery and they'd say, oh, but you're going to have to pay taxes on that. You know, everything is negative.

Yeah. Right. And, and that's kind of the funny thing. That's just a, a programming. So when we talk about like the subconscious mind and how people are programmed to work, we're typically programmed to be in a survival state. Most people in today's day and age are living in survival state, whether they realize it or not. The way that we've looked at dangers in the environment, because that's really what it is, is very different right now. We're not being chased by a saber-toothed tiger. We're dealing with, I don't know, a jerk of a landlord. We're dealing with a boss that we hate at our job that pays us too little or doesn't give us time off when we want it, whatever the case may be. And so, I think the first key is to recognize what puts you in that survival state, what narrows your field of view, what stops you from seeing possibilities and potential, which in my opinion is a level of honesty, a level of ownership over your own life. that you need to find. And that was a big, big, big part of my transition. So you've ever heard of that saying, up shit's creek without a paddle?

Yeah.

That's one of my favorite sayings. And why? Because what does it signify? Well, you're up this river, you have no way of steering the boat. Now, what if your life was proverbially this river and you were the boat? And if you're up this river without any type of steering device, you're probably going to be screwed. You're destined to go wherever the current pushes you, wherever it takes you. And now you are a victim to circumstance. Life is happening to you instead of for you.

Oh.

But what if you had an oar? And if you had an oar, you could change the trajectory of your life because now you have a way of moving that boat. And what I like to call the oar is my own little methodology of starting to take more control over your life, which is Ownership, accountability, acceptance, and responsibility. And if you get that, or you could really start making drastic changes, or at least that's what helped me. And this is what I now help others with.

Oh, that's so good. And I always say the beginning of any transformation starts with taking, like, being radically honest with yourself and being in acceptance. Love it. Love that you just shared that. And there was one of your Instagram posts, and y'all need to follow him on Instagram. And the links will be in the bio or in the show notes. As you talk about people that really take ownership, they never place blame on others. And I think part of being in that victim mentality is always blaming someone or something, and it's not focusing on what you can do to— like, what are your options? What are the possibilities? What's the potential? So If somebody is constantly blaming others for stuff that's going wrong or blaming, saying they're a victim of their circumstances, because I always say you can be the victor of your life and you don't have to be the victim of your circumstances. You can choose to be a product of your resiliency. Um, how do you break somebody? Because let me tell you, I got somebody in my life who's always blaming everybody else. For the problems, whether it's the doctors or people in their life. And it's like the same old story. What would you do? What's the first step if you want to have a relationship with this person, but they kind of drive you crazy because they're always placing the blame on everybody? How, what would I say to them to break them from that? Is there a way to break them from always placing blame on everybody else or everything else?

I've come to find a few things about helping others that I will say are just universal truths. And if you want to ever help anybody, you have to understand these few things. One is you have no power to actually help anyone. You have potential to influence them. And what I mean by that is you can't change anybody. I thought as a young therapist getting into the field at 23 years old that I was about to come out and change everyone. I was going to be sitting with people and all of a sudden they would come to me after a week and they'd be like, Vin, my life is great because of you. And that's crazy because what you come to find is as a therapist, as a coach, as a mentor, as a friend, even any, any way that you might have to possibly and potentially impact people's lives, you don't actually have the power to change people, but you do have the power to create a space and facilitate a space for change to occur within. And that is one of the most interesting tweaks to ideology or language that I think some people need to embrace. Because we are out here getting frustrated because we keep trying to change people because we think they want change, or we want to help them because they say they want change. But it doesn't come down to you; it always comes down to them and where they're at in their lives. Now, to your point, if you have people in your life that drive you crazy because all they do is complain, or they are an asshole—I love assholes. I've had a few of those, and you have to be very, very firm with an asshole. So for those of you that don't know what an asshole. Yes. For those of you that don't know what an asshole is, it's someone that's going to consistently ask you for your advice about the same problem and never, ever, ever follow it. Over and over. Yes, over and over. And they'll never follow your advice ever, but they'll keep coming to you with the same intensity, the same problem, and ask you the same thing and waste your time just the same. And so you must be very, very firm with an asshole. I think it's so, so important. When you see all of these people is you have to just gauge where they're at. And your 2 choices are this: you either show up for them and you be that person that's willing to answer the same question over and over and over because you just want to have that relationship. Or you could also take a more neutral approach where you're just like, I understand this person doesn't want to change. I understand they just want to vent or validate themselves. And you can create a friendship that way. Or you have that last option of saying that I really just don't want to stay around somebody who has no desire to improve their lives. And you must be then okay with losing that relationship if that's also your desire. So I feel like those are those real few options because you can't make somebody change.

Yeah, it's so true. It's funny, on my website, when you first open it up on the homepage, I say you have the power to change your life. Me? But you. It has to be You willing to do the work, to follow through? I love working with people that are just go-getters, and you just tell them, hey, you make this and this and this suggestion, and they actually go do it and it works, and they start to really level up. Those are the best people to work with, like, for sure.

Hmm.

I'm curious, what do you do one-on-one? Do you do groups? Like, how does somebody start to work with you if they're like, you know what? I do want to shift my thinking and want to work— how do they work with you?

So I typically do one-to-ones. I have done groups, but groups is more if I'm working with an organization. My average client is an entrepreneur, a high performer of some type, like maybe a high-level salesperson. Could be somebody who's in real estate. Typically it might be a CEO or C-suite executive, or it could just be a founder of a company. It's always somebody that's in these positions of power, somebody who has a lot of potential or already operates at a high caliber and needs to continue to optimize themselves. And with that being said, we'll typically do some sort of one-to-one package where we'll work together for a 3, 6, or 12-month commitment. And in there you get access to obviously me, you get access to my resources, to my network. But what I love to do with people is it's very dynamic work. So we'll sit there and we'll do the 3 parts of what makes my service my service, which is I offer aspects of therapy, mentoring, and coaching. And what I think is really unique, or why I love doing this, is because one is not many people are doing this. And number two—

Because I have a separate mentor, a separate coach, and a separate therapist and a separate sponsor. You're like an all-in-one kind of deal.

Yeah, you know what? So I really wanted to actually dive into that with you because this is what I think is really important. I found that people could get great results if you can combine the services. And the reason being, and I'd love to hear your perspective once I, once I give this piece of info, because I think you could either validate it or challenge it. And I'd love that.

Okay.

So what I see is this, for therapists, therapy is great. Because of the fact that it helps people delve into their past, it helps you create awareness and understanding and learn how you've learned to make sense And most likely survive life. But a lot of the therapist work kind of stops there because that's the main bulk of it. That's really what you get mostly out of therapy. And so therapy could leave especially high performers feeling stuck. Now, when you look at the coaching side of things, coaching is really great because it focuses more on the present to the future. And it's about challenging you to take action plans, action steps, come up with a new type of, of tool or skill set so that you can really elevate your standards and go from here to here. But where that could get stuck is because they don't have the understanding of what your limitations are, why you've gotten stuck previously. And then when the motivation fades, because let's be honest, when we make a big purchase like a coach, we're motivated, but then we ultimately start falling back into our previous ways, which is how we've learned to make sense of life. And so a lot of coaches will get stuck with their clients because they don't really know how to take them from A to Z because they've skipped those previous steps and they don't dive in. And then the last component, that last piece of mentorship. Mentorship is great because you're going to get somebody with this practical experience, this knowledge that they could just pour into you. And what's really great about a mentor is they're going to be wise, maybe not always school smart or they learn the specific skill, but more so because they just have that lived experience.

Mm-hmm.

But what I've seen in mentorship problems is that a lot of the times, just because a mentor or somebody has a great experience doesn't mean they could translate it to you in a way that you could actually utilize that experience. It's the equivalent of Going to the gym, you see a guy who's ridiculously jacked and you're like, he could train me cuz he's jacked, but he doesn't know what to look for. He's not properly trained to actually help you absorb the info in the way to get the same result. Yeah. So what I found is when you combine the 3, you actually get all the benefits and none of the drawbacks. And so based on that description, what do you think? I'm curious to hear, cuz you have all of them, right? So tell, tell me a little bit about that.

Oh, well, I love that. And I love the analogy of you saying about the guy in the gym, like, he may not know anything. He may be just genetically a beast and may not know how to, you know, get you trained, especially if you have any, you know, preexisting conditions or something like that. Yeah, I do. Like, I really don't like going to a therapy session where they're asking you questions. Well, what do you think? How do you feel? I'm like, I need somebody that's going to— I'm a good soldier. Tell me what to do and I will go do it.

Yeah.

But I love coaching because I can mentor them based on my experience. I don't have college degree, anything like that, but I have my experience. So I know that I can. And I've been a coach for over 26 years now.

Yeah.

So I like the idea of combining them. And it just made me think when you were explaining this. So when I got out of the fitness industry, I remember having to— I was transitioning careers and having to tell some of my clients, some of which I had for over 20 years, that I was not going to be able to train them anymore. And I remember this one client goes, Well, you can't stop training me. You're my therapist. Well, that's a scary thought if you think I'm your therapist, but you know what I mean? But you have the background to go deeper with a client. So I love that you can combine all of them, the experience, the coaching, and really the psychology behind it all, I think is super, super important. I also just took my first test, the Gallup. test? Have you ever taken that test?

I have not.

Yeah, I'd never taken, you know, uh, I was at, um, an event called A Day With, and it was a day with John Gordon and Ed Mylett. And my friend, actually, she was in my mastermind. Um, she goes, oh, what are your 5 personality traits? And I'm like, I don't know. She goes, you mean you haven't taken the Gallup test? And I was like, no. And I took it and man, It is like right on. It's pretty cool. So I think that if you can, you know, kind of whatever you're going to do, if you're a coach and you're out there listening to this and you haven't gone to school to be, you know, a psychotherapist or counselor or anything like that, I think it might be helpful. Do you think it's helpful for somebody to take a test like that so you get an idea of their personality traits? Or what would you suggest for a coach who doesn't have your background and they're like, Well, I'm a coach and I don't have that kind of background. What can they do to become a better coach?

I think the biggest problem with a lot of coaches nowadays, I mean, if you look at the average coach, right, the stats are the average coach makes between $40,000 to $60,000 per year for their lifetime.

That's it?

Yeah, that's the average, the average coach in the US.

Wow.

Yeah, there's, there's, there's not many successful coaches out there. I mean, that's the funny thing too, right? Because Every time I meet a coach, they're always making over 6 figures, which is crazy because it's every coach I've ever met is always a 6-figure coach. And yet the, the whole freaking reported stat is that there's very few coaches that actually— like, you're a 1% coach if you're making over 6 figures. People don't even realize that.

Wow.

So yeah, it's pretty crazy. And I think that this industry is extremely saturated. And I think that the problem is that most coaches come into this industry Because they see what the potential is and they think because they had some sort of lived experience or because they really like something, they're qualified to be a coach. And that's not the case. What I've really learned, and I think this is what has made me excel now, yes, I have the therapy background, but I don't really push on it a lot. I say it's an aspect of what I do, but I am really mostly a coach at this point. And so what I do is I look for the most difficult problems and I figure out how can I be the guy to solve it? Like my pitch when I go into a room.

Yeah, that's good.

When I go into a room, I say, bring me somebody who's had some deeper interpersonal issues for 20 years. I will help them. That's my pitch. And I guarantee that. I'm like, if I can't, I'll give them their money back. If they work with me and I can't, I'll give them their money back because that's how certain I am that I could do it. Now, how many coaches do you think will do that? Less than 1%. So if—

Oh, I have to tell you, on my website for my mastermind, I'm like, Guaranteed results or your money back. Yeah. Because I know, and, but that's why I only allow people in my mastermind that I know that I can help. And I don't like selling. I don't like selling from stage or any of that. And I remember there was this one lady who came up to me at my event last year and she goes, well, I want to join your mastermind. I was like, great. She goes, You're just not going to sell me on this, are you? And I was like, no, I'm not going to sell you on it. But I know if it's a good fit for you, I will know. And I can tell you that I can help you. But ultimately, it's up to them to think, okay, yeah, I think this is a good fit, you know? And yeah, so I'm like, yeah, money-back guarantee because I know I can help you.

Yeah. Well, that's the biggest thing you have to As a coach, you need to learn to provide value. So there's a lot of people because they're desperate, they're chasing money, but money moves faster because money's also chasing something. It's like playing a game of tag. However, if you want to know where home base is, home base is value. Money chases value. Money's attracted to value. And if you become valuable, money comes to you. And I'm, I'm with you. I've never had to sell anyone on coaching. Every client I've ever had, Has been somebody that we've sat there, we've had a conversation. I talk about what the problems in therapy is, what the problems in coaching is, what the problems with mentors are, and then they get curious. Well, what do you do? Oh, how do you do it? Oh, interesting. Do you think it could help with this? Can we have a conversation further? Can I— what do you think of this? Can you help this? Oh yeah. Oh, you can. And, and that's it. Everything is a very natural conversation for me because I know how to provide value. I look at what are some difficult problems that I could solve. And that's the best advice to any coach out there. Like, if you really want to become a great coach, you have to put in the reps to figure out how to solve people's problems. One of the greatest sayings that I ever took to heart was, the amount of money that you will make in this world is directly proportionate to the difficulty of the problems that you solve.

Yeah.

And so solve difficult problems. I come in and I solve problems for people that are really, really difficult. And the reason I give that pitch where I'm like, I'll take a problem that you've dealt with for 20 years and help you with it is because those are actual testimonials I've gotten from my clients. Like, I didn't just come out with that bold proclamation. My clients were sitting there with me and they were like, Vin, 3 months with you has been better than 20 years in therapy for me. I'm like, great. Can you report, record that in a video for me so I could use that? Because you said it, not me. And so being able to do things like that will put you ahead. If you really want to become a great coach, just study and master it. Like, spend the hours figuring out, like, you don't need a college degree. I don't think that's something that's really viable. I don't even think I needed it, to be fair. I didn't learn crap in college. I learned everything on my own journey of becoming a coach, on my desire to learn how to support people better. And that's actually the reason I quit being a therapist, because I saw Tony Robbins. I was like, holy crap, this guy's doing something that I never thought was imaginable, which is helping people who have been in therapy for 20+ years with the same problems, and yet he's helping them in 15, 20 minutes. What the hell did I learn? And what did he learn? Because I need to learn that. Because what I'm doing is basically perpetuating the problems of the people that go see him. So how do I get to be more like him? And when you study the best in the world and try to learn like that and produce results like that, you're going to be successful.

Oh, you said so much pure gold. Like, first of all, yes, if you just focus on solving a problem and adding value, the money will come. For sure. And I have to say, I went to my first Tony Robbins event. Oh, did you? Yeah. And I was the next day, I felt like I had a hangover. Like, yes. And I called my friend and I was like, Sarah, how are you feeling today? She goes, I am like, I'm like a wreck. I feel like I'm hungover. I'm like, me too. What did he do to us? Um, it was. Unbelievable. And I just have to share with you real quick because I'm so excited about— I was so excited about this. So last minute, my friends called and said, do you want to go? And so it was like a Tony Robbins event with other speakers. And I was like, sure. And the tickets weren't even that much and didn't sit in like the platinum section up in the very front, but I sat in the section right behind. So here's the platinum. There's like 3 rows and then a little hallway or a little row And then we were in the first row of that next section. And let me tell you, Vin, Tony Robbins, I'm not exaggerating, he stood in front of me, like inches from me, so close to me, speaking that spit was coming out.

Don't you love it?

Oh my gosh, Tony Robbins is spitting on me right now. I mean, but it was, it was It was incredible. And for 3 and a half hours, he just poured into us. I mean, the emotion and everything was timed perfectly, like music was on cue, and it was up and down and up and down. And, and I— it really shifted my perspective in so many ways, like it did for you. You were like, how is he doing that? You know, I thought— Wow, I had a 45-minute keynote coming up. I was like, that's a piece of cake compared to doing 3.5 hours of what he just did. How can I be more like that? You know? So sometimes I think we need to have somebody like that that we see that does kind of shift our mindset a little bit. When you're working with these, like, high achievers, big C-suite clients, we— do they have some limiting beliefs as well?

Everybody has limiting beliefs. I have limiting beliefs. You probably have limiting beliefs. There's not one person here that doesn't have them, right?

So what's the most common one that you come across?

I've come to find that for high performers of all kinds, it doesn't really matter what industry, I've seen it as typically a lot of these people are doing what they're doing because they either believe that they're not good enough or that they've achieved something, but they're still not enough. And so one of it is the attainment of potentially being good enough. The other is the realization that they've achieved things that they've wanted and they're still not there.

Oh, so it's like Never satisfied with just being in the present moment.

Oh yeah. There's so many of these high performers that struggle with presence, and that's kind of the funniest part of it, right? Because it's the presence that ultimately will make their life better. You know, you're not guaranteed anything in your future. We already know that. But here's the really cool saying that I like, is that the only thing you ever stand to actually lose is your present. You can't lose your past. It's already done. However, you also can't lose anything from the future because it has yet to be created. The only thing you ever stand to miss is this moment in time that you're in. And then the question is, well, what are you actually missing? Or what are the things that you don't believe you have time for? I had one client, he was a very good guy, and he kept putting off dating. He was doing very well financially. He was crushing it. He just, he came from being broke. He came from this really hard life. He had a lot of things go on. And I mean, I'm Very proud of the man he is today and the man he even became. Right before we met, he still had this miraculous story of all the things that he'd done, and he's pretty wildly successful in my eyes. And yet he still was refusing to date because he had a metric. He said, I can't date, I can't find the woman until I get to X. I'm like, but why? I mean, I found out my girl was pregnant with our daughter when my business was in such a crappy place that I was like, I don't even think I could take care of myself. And yet here I am in a serious relationship about to have a kid.

Hmm.

And it's funny because as somebody who went through it, I could tell you it was just fear response because you figure it out, especially if you trust yourself, especially if you're willing to believe that you will do what it takes. And I think that for this specific client, that was where he was really hung up. He Believed he just could not have a serious girlfriend until he hit this income goal. And I told him, my forewarning was this, and, you know, we're not— we're no longer working together, so I don't really know what he's up to. But the forewarning was this: that number will always move. Your metric will always move because that metric is really just protection from you saying, I don't think I'm good enough.

Oh.

The number is the deflection. You're saying, well, if I make this, I'll be good enough to have a serious relationship. But the truth is, That's an excuse because you're not there yet. So you could use that as a goalpost. And once you get there, you still won't think you're good enough. And then you'll move it further or you'll move to some other reason you can't have a girl. Well, now that I've made this number, I can't have a girl because I'm too busy. So once I get the business streamlined, then maybe I can have a girl. And then you'll get the business streamlined and then you'll say, well, you know what? I still can't have the serious relationship because even though I have the number and the business streamlined, now I have this other endeavor I have to take on, which is learning how to really manage finances. So Until I have a family trust and a family bank and all these other systems, I still— and the numbers will always move because I've seen this a million times. That's what people do. It's a defense mechanism to stop you from acknowledging that maybe you don't think you're good enough, or maybe you don't think you're capable of the thing you really desire. So, we put focus on something that isn't actually addressing the real pain. And to be fair, I mean, as I tried to dig into that more, he continuously pushed back and said, I don't think that's true. I don't think you really know what you're talking about here. That's not the issue. And I'm like, okay. And then sure enough, we discontinued working together after a period of time. And I'm very open and willing to share that because that goes back to what we discussed before. You can't change people. And so if someone comes on wanting to work with me, but it really is the wrong time because they're not ready to receive the info in here in their mind, They're going to leave by their own will. And that's okay, because you have to trust that you know what people need sometimes, even if they're not ready to receive it.

Yeah. And I really think that you have to work with someone who's coachable, is going to listen to what you're saying. And I mean, the lessons that I teach in my coaching is a lot about hard lessons that I've learned that I don't want them to make the same mistake. And I think so many people, what it comes down to when it's limiting beliefs, I feel like it's always the I'm not enough or I'm not worthy enough. I know that I have felt that way, like going, oh my God. I remember when I was doing my TED Talk, I was so— well, I was scared to death, but I was also like, oh my gosh, I'm the only one that doesn't have a PhD. Everyone else has a PhD. I'm not smart enough. Why do they want me on their stage? I'm not enough. I can't do this. I've never spoken before. Like, I— boy, the limiting beliefs were popping up. For somebody out there who does think like that, like, I'm not worthy enough, I'm just not enough, I'm just not ready yet, or they're making excuses, how— what is something you could suggest to break that cycle and shatter those limiting beliefs so they can start to Feel like they're worthy enough, know that they're worthy enough?

It's really funny. I, I think there's 2 kinds of people. I think there's some people that are very high on the emotional side and they really need to feel worthy. And I don't, personally, I don't understand it for me because I don't like feeling worthy. So I think there's a reframe that creates a great opportunity.

Wait, do you, do you don't, you said you don't like feeling worthy. Do you kind of like being like the underdog?

Yeah, I love like the, the, you, I mean, you could verify this when you meet my girl, when we come down to Texas, you could verify it. The best nights when I come home and she's like, how was your event? I was like, oh my God, I'm an idiot. And she'd be like, why? And I'm like, I don't know shit. I just met people that are so far past me. I don't know anything they're talking about. It's so fascinating. Like, I want to become their best friends. I want to learn everything that they know because I don't know any of it. And this is really exciting to know that there's this whole world of people that are just crushing it at this level, and I'm not even close.

Yeah.

of that. And that's really cool for me because now it's like, oh man, what kind of possibilities can I create from this? What are the new things I have to learn from this? And to be fair, there's like this unlimited world out there. And I think a lot of the times when I feel really demotivated, what I've come into— has come into my awareness is that I feel very successful.

Mm-hmm.

And I feel very demotivated when I'm comparing or looking at like what's going on in my life. And I'm just saying, well, I'm doing much better than I was last year. I'm crushing it now. A lot of the friends around me are doing probably worse than me in business or whatever the case may be. And there's no competition. I think that's a big part of it.

I love competition. You and I are so much alike, I swear, because I was the underdog. And I don't know why I am motivated when somebody says, oh, you can't do that. That's not possible. I'm like, oh, thanks for the motivation. I'm totally going to do it. Or also, then I have been asked to speak at a conference and they said, well, you know, we can't pay you because, as you can imagine, I've already paid Ed Mylett and Jesse Itzler, so I can't pay you. And I was like, oh, really? I am going to crush this talk. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah.

Um, uh, I, so yeah, I like, I like that. I love also learning about other people that are just, man, they're killing it in business. They're powerful. They're so smart because I like to know what the possibilities are. Now, I think some people start to get in comparison mode and they go the opposite way. For me, I look at it as what's possible and for others, I think they look at it as, oh gosh, I'm just not good enough, or I'm not smart enough. I look at it as, wow, there's so much more I can learn and so many more ways I can grow. And not to say that I haven't gotten in comparison mode before where I've looked and been like, man, they got that gig. I wanted that gig. How'd they get that gig? I wanted to speak on that stage. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I think that's where I've found a lot of the times that people use this term of worthy when they just— it's an emotional thing, right? Because if you really think about it, what is this ideology of being worthy of anything anyway? First up, you don't deserve anything in life. So what exactly are you worthy of? What do you try to translate that to? If you don't deserve anything, what are you worthy of? And when I say you don't deserve anything, what I mean is that you're owed nothing. You're owed whatever it is you want, which is something you then need to make happen. You're not just owed something because you exist. And I don't think that that's really fair. And I think a lot of people look at life that way, and that's why they're perpetually disappointed. It's like, well, I'm owed this. Why? Who says you're owed anything? Who says that you deserve whatever it is that you want? And I see that desire of worthiness as people are just looking for, in my opinion, right? I don't want to be too harsh, but But in my opinion, a lot of people that are seeking that worthiness is they're seeking some sort of undeserved recognition in their lives. And so for me, I really am attracted to the idea that I am not enough, and that's okay because you'll never be enough in the best way possible. You'll never be enough because you as a human have unlimited capacity for success, greatness, achievement, education, whatever it is. So stop striving to quote unquote be enough. Stop striving to be worthy. Get excited about the fact that like you don't know everything. Get excited about the fact that there's so much to do and so many places to go. And I don't really see it as a bad thing to know that you're far behind some people or you're a little further than others. It's really just about the way you frame it. And I think if I talk about myself in victimhood, I could totally say that in that state of mind, when you're a victim, you want, well, I should be worthy of somebody answering my text message because I'm a human and they're a human, and that's just respect. And that's usually the crap I used to say. But now as I get older, I'm just like, oh, you don't answer my message? All right, I don't give a shit. I'm pretty awesome. Sucks for you. Now we're not going to be friends. That's okay. And whatever. And you made space for people in my life. It's just about how we frame everything. So that's what I said before when I said I think it's a reframe. It's not a bad thing to not be enough. I think it could be the greatest thing ever if you want it to be.

Yeah, I love that you said that. I just love that you said that because I think so many people take it personally when somebody doesn't get back to them in a text message. And I know I have, I have a friend that, um, I'll text him and I'll be like, oh, I remember at first going, because he used to text me right back right away. And then, and this is a really very highly successful, very highly successful person, and I'm sure they're pulled in a million different directions, but used to text me and get right back to me and text me at like 5 in the morning, 6 in the morning. And then I texted him and I was like, huh, wow, took 2 weeks for him to answer my text. And I'm not gonna lie, I was Starting to take it a little personal, like, oh, disrespect. I was like, is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Am I not worthy enough for him to even respond? And I love that you said that. I'm like, oh, well, you know, and so now I have no expectations. So if I shoot a text over, it's because I genuinely wanted to support or show some admiration. add some value and I don't expect anything. And when I don't have any expectations, it just makes life so much better.

Yeah.

I mean, and that goes for business or personal. It's just like, if I can just be the best person I can be and I don't have expectations or I'm not doing it because I want something from that person, life is just so much Much easier. I, I feel like so.

Oh, you're right. I love that. I think that's super important. I— it's funny because, and, and people take offense to what they might see as offensive words, right? Like you say somebody, hey, you know, you're selfish, and all of a sudden they're offended. Or you say somebody, hey, you're being disingenuous, and all of a sudden they're offended. It's important to look at things as truthful. I've come to learn if you hold on to expectations A lot of the times that you— expectations are selfish, if we're being honest, right? Because expectations are, I'm going to measure you in my view of the world, not your view of the world. I'm going to measure our relationship based on how I think it should be, not what it is or what it can be or what it was or whatever the case may be. And so I've seen a lot of the times with these expectations, it makes us very disingenuous because I am in agreement with you. I have some friends that I will text multiple times. They won't answer me. And when they do answer, they don't even answer the damn question I asked or whatever I said to them. And then they're just like, oh yeah, like, I have a friend right now I've been trying to hang out with since June. I love him. I think he's a great guy. And I've texted him a few times and he hasn't answered. And then he will answer and be like, yeah, we'll definitely hang out. And I'm like, great, when? And then he doesn't answer that. And I'm like, you son of a bitch. But, but At the same time, then I just laugh at it. I'm like, that's him, or that's just our relationship, and who cares? And then again, you could also ask that question too, of like, if, if I know he's more responsive to other people, what is the way that they have a relationship that makes him more responsive to them?

Yeah.

Because maybe, maybe there's something that we have or have not done, or a metric we have or have not hit in their life. And instead of measuring them on what our expectations of our relationship with them is or things like that, it's about kind of looking at, well, how do they have these really responsive relationships with others? Do they? And if they do, what am I missing? And so I always try to bring things back to me. And then to that same point, it's like you also have the decision. You're not going to be allowed to get annoyed with this person if you keep choosing to have that friendship, knowing that that's how they are with you. And so I tell people too, it's like, what are you getting annoyed about?

Yeah, you gotta let it go. Yeah, gotta just let it go.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So expectations, I love that you brought that up because it's so important. People, let go of your expectations. Just be in the present. Enjoy what is.

Yeah. Oh, well, I have so many. I didn't even get to all the questions. I might— I think I need to have you back on the show because we're running out of time. And I hope so. You're just so amazing. Well, what's been some of the most, I guess, rewarding? What's the most rewarding part of your journey as a coach? What's been the most rewarding thing? Is it working with clients? Is it speaking on stages? Is it the breakthroughs or the transformations? What is it?

Speaking on stages was rewarding until I felt like it was hard to do with my young daughter, so I kind of transitioned and did that a little less. I'd still like to speak on stages, but it's not something I actively pursue at this point. Like, if somebody says, hey, Vin, I want you to speak, I got a cool event, I might say yes. But that has not been as rewarding as I actually thought it was going to be.

I think it's hard to travel, and it's the preparation before. And I mean, look, I just got back in town from Nashville, and And I am in January, I am going to be gone. I'm going to be all over the place. I feel blessed that I have the work and I have these speaking engagements, but it is hard to be away from family.

Oh, yeah. And I refuse to do that. So that's why either my child is going to be coming with me or I'm just not going to do it. It's funny because what I found to be valuable is, well, it's always in flux. I think that's the interesting thing about values is values change often. I hosted my first event in Miami. I think it was the one I invited you to. I hosted that event and I know you forget.

I was out of town.

Yeah, yeah. No, I know it didn't line up, but you'll come to the next one. Yeah. And I hosted my first event and this is what I could tell you has been the most valuable thing that I've done. Is really being able to make connections for other people.

That is— I love that.

Yeah, I think that's been the most rewarding thing I've been able to do as a coach is I've been able to really just understand people, look at them and say, I have somebody you need to meet. Yeah, because part of what I really love about my coaching is like, I know what I could solve, I know the problems I'm good at, but I also really love being able to be a person that, that someone could reach out to even if they don't need coaching, be like, hey, Could you connect me with X, Y, and Z, or do you know anybody that could help with this? And me, probably 90-something percent of the time, being able to say yes. That's one of the biggest value adds you could have as a coach. And that's something I've really transitioned into learning because at first I thought it was the coaching and I thought it was being there for people's transformation journeys. And those are amazing feelings to see people go from X to Y. But I think that other feeling is being able to know that you just have a whole group of people that could help your people. And that's really freaking rewarding in and of itself to be known as a connector of sorts.

Oh, I think so too. I think that's how you become the most valuable person in the room is you genuinely care about the success of others and how you can connect people with others, you know? And I've had people tell me, wow, you're so generous with making these Connections and stuff like that. But I believe in abundance, and that you know what's meant for us is meant for us and will come to us. And so I I love being able to help. And I see you and I are a lot alike, and we were connected by Luke. Yes, who is awesome. He's like, "You gotta meet Ben." I guess he just knew. I guess he knew we were gonna hit. We're going to hit it off. Well, what is your definition of resilience?

Resilience is an interesting thing. So, you know, it's funny, I learned— I took courses and I learned positive psychology through my self-study. And the whole freaking thing about positive psychology is actually resilience and grit. And resilience and grit is really talked about. Oh, yeah. Yes, it's talked about by Angela Duckworth. She's a doctor, I believe. She's phenomenal. And I think that that's the interesting thing about resilience. Resilience is really about finding solutions because that's actually what positivity is. Positivity thinks— people think positivity is just people smiling and being like, oh, I got stabbed in the arm, but at least I didn't get stabbed in the heart, right? That's stupidity. That's not positivity. Positivity is really being able to be a solution-oriented person. And I think that's actually the essence of resilience, because your ability to bounce back is your ability to reframe, create new meaning, and find a solution to what could otherwise be some sort of a debilitating problem. So that's my definition of resilience.

Oh, that is so good. And you know what? I remember after I wrote my book, True Grit and Grace, my first book, somebody had sent me an email saying, hey, have you read the book Grit by Angela Duckworth? And I was Well, dang it. No, I didn't. I wish I did before I wrote my book. But I had a lot of misconceptions about grit. I used to just try to grit it out and I was just hustling and go, go, go. And I was hitting roadblocks. I was hitting the wall. I was hitting rock bottom.

Yeah.

And what I realized is grit, yeah, it's about working hard for long periods of time, but grit without connection is resistance, and grit with connection is resilience. And I think that together is where— and that goes back to you being a connector and connecting other people. It's like when we come together, we can get through hard times. We can get through the entrepreneurial journey. We can get through anything. We can be unstoppable. And so I love that you shared that, and I can't wait to see you in Dallas in April at the Unstoppable event and meet your wife too. So I want people to be able to work with you, get a hold with you, get a hold of you, uh, follow you, listen to your podcast. So what is the best way for people to reach you?

Best way is, uh, honestly, you could shoot me a DM on Instagram, which is vin.infante. Or you can email me at vincent@vincentinfante.life. And there's a whole bunch of cool stuff you could do on my website too. I got a whole bunch of free resources people should grab. Like I do a free newsletter, I have a free men's group, and I have a free mission board template, which is to help you basically plan and create templates to, well, challenge yourself to change your life. So I would love for people to just even get all the free stuff. I honestly just make it because I want people to have access to me even if they can't work with me in a professional capacity, but still want to. DIY life-changing results.

Wow, you're amazing. Thank you so much. You offer so much. And y'all, I love binging your stuff on Instagram, by the way. Thanks. I love it. Appreciate it. Thank you so much for being on the show, and I cannot wait to see you. And y'all, thank you so much for tuning into the show. Take a screenshot, whether you're listening on Apple Spotify, watching this on YouTube, and tag us. When I see that on Instagram, I always share it onto my story as well. I appreciate you tuning in. Y'all come hang out with us in Dallas in April, April 25th and 26th for the Unstoppable Success Summit. And, um, we will see you next week. Thank you.