Facing Addiction, Healing Your Shame, and Standing for Others with Omar Pinto

Welcome to True Grit and Grace, a podcast designed to empower you to claim your resilience and thrive through life's challenges. I am Amberly Lago, a mindset coach, fitness expert and bestselling author. Each week, I'll dive deep with the world's brightest thought leaders and elite performers to share tangible tools and practical advice to inspire you to keep your eyes on the prize and forge ahead. So get ready to conquer your fears, heal any trauma, lead with your heart, and elevate your life with grit and grace.

Hi, and welcome to True Grit and Grace. I am Amberly Lago, and I'm so excited about today's guest. I have my friend Omar Pinto in the house. I always say change is possible and hope is available. And after meeting Omar, boy, did that ring true. He is a coach who helps individuals overcome unhealthy habits so they can achieve their dreams and have the time and the freedom to enjoy things that they love most. He's a keynote speaker, an addiction recovery specialist, a very gifted storyteller, and the host of one of the most successful podcasts on iTunes called The Share Podcast. He's won the battle with addiction and is now transforming the lives of millions around the world through his coaching methods, support group, and leadership. Omar, I'm so happy you're here. Thank you for being on the show.

Amberly, what an incredible introduction. Wow. I feel so honored.

You know what? I said that you're transforming lives, but I don't think that's enough. You are really saving lives with all that you do for people around the world. And I mean that. I was so grateful that my friend, my really good friend Stephanie, told me, hey, have you— do you know Omar? You got to meet Omar. He's amazing. You got to meet this guy. And so I listened to your podcast and then I reached out to you on Facebook and we were able to connect. And you asked— I actually got to be on your podcast, and it was instant connection because I think that we can relate to each other and really going through some hard times, but turning that pain into purpose. And that is certainly what you have done. Can, can you tell us a little bit, or the listeners a little bit, about who you are and When I say all this pain to purpose and, and because it, look, a bio looks very, it's almost intimidating. You're so successful to some people like, oh, I could never achieve that. Or I could never do that. But it wasn't always so easy for you. You really turned your life around. So can you tell the listeners a little bit about you and kind of where you came from to where you are now?

Sure, absolutely. Um, and it really goes in line with what's on your hat, you know, grit and grace, which there's a lot of that. I would say that the majority of my life has been about grit, grinding, and struggle, and sacrifice, and hurt, and pain, and, um, ultimately finding, finding that grace, finding that, that grace.

Mm-hmm.

And I'll, and, you know, I'll, I'll I'll get to that. But let's just talk about the grit part first. You know, I was— I have like 2 versions of myself. Like, I've got like 2 personalities. One personality I identify as soft Omar and the other personality as like authentic, true Omar. I would say that they're all authentic because they're all inside of me. They all serve a purpose. But I used to, I used to blame my parents. I used to blame religion. I used to blame God. I used to blame the school system for all of the horrible things that I, and I call them horrible things, right? Um, in my life, because I chose a very long time ago to take on this role of being the victim. Um, and as many of you know, when you, when you find yourself, Taking the role of the victim, it's very difficult to overcome. It's very difficult to find find solutions because you're so busy wallowing in your own self-pity. So I you know as a kid my mother was a Jehovah's Witness, so I was born in a very religious, very cultish type home. My dad is well both my parents immigrated to the United States when they were teenagers. My dad from Colombia, my mom from Cuba. So it's a very, uh, Latino—

I didn't realize your mom was from, uh, Cuba. My husband's Cuban.

Oh, really?

Yeah. Yeah.

Did he come from Cuba or was he born here?

His parents did. His parents did. And then he was born in Florida.

Okay.

And then, yeah. Yeah. But when we go to visit, you know, it's, it's his whole family is Cuban. We always kid around. I'm the token white girl in the family.

Boy, that's, and that's really putting it lightly. I mean, you couldn't get more white.

We keep it real here on this show. He, you know what, I need to learn to speak Spanish. And I used to beg him to try, you know, to speak Spanish to our daughter and stuff. And then I don't speak a lot of Spanish, hardly any. But I know when he's talking about me because he'll say gringa. And I'm like, I know you're talking about me. I know you're talking about me.

'Cause you're the only gringa in the family.

That's right, that's right. But I love the culture, you know? And so, yeah, I love the culture. And I didn't know that, I didn't know that your mom was Cuban. And I didn't know that you were raised a Jehovah's Witness. My ex-husband was raised a Jehovah's Witness.

Oh, okay.

So he always forgot my birthday.

Wow.

And blamed it on the fact that he grew A Jehovah's Witness.

Oh, so I'm sure he's got his— all his own war stories as well. A lot of resentment.

Yeah, a lot. And actually, one of the first things he said to me when we were out on a date was he said, I don't believe in God. And I was like, whoa, that's pretty heavy. Where'd that come from? Like, and then later I found out, oh, there's a lot behind that. Yeah, because it's a lot. It's a lot. And I noticed one thing that you talk about a lot is the difference between spirituality and religion. And we'll get into, we'll get into that too, if you like. Um, and I didn't mean to interrupt you. Your story is just so— every time I talk to you, there's just more that I learn and it's so interesting. So, and so go ahead. You were telling me how you were raised and, and that must've been, Was it hard when your friends were all celebrating, you know, with parties?

Yeah, that's really where, when we— when I talk about playing the victim role, I really exponentially took that to like, you know, 10x. I was very angry as a child. It doesn't start out as angry. As the years go by, each year that goes by that you don't celebrate birthday, you don't celebrate your birthday, you don't celebrate Christmas, that you are not included in the activities with the other kids because during Christmas parties or at birthday parties, I'm not allowed to go. So—

Yeah.

If I got invited, it was like a double whammy because it was like, wow, I got invited to this party and I have to say no. And so, what's wrong with me? I'm not like the other kids. I'm different. So, that's really where it came from. A lot of, for me growing up, when I got— as I got older, I got more and more angry. I got more and more resentful, and I was very much mad at God, mad at the religion, mad at my mother. Why did I have to be born into this family? Why couldn't I— would have traded places with anybody when I was growing up? You know, I used to— I would see the gardener. I'm like, yeah, I'll trade places with him. Like, I'll trade places with anybody because I was so unhappy in my own life. And, you know, we all, we all to a certain degree, I don't even say certain degree, we can only see from our eyes. We can only see from our perspective. I could only see from my perspective. I don't know how anybody else goes through it. I've talked to plenty of Jehovah's Witnesses and the similarities are there, but it's still from my perspective. This is how I chose to walk into life. I chose to as the, as time went on, I chose to look at my life as this. I'm like, I'm a victim. I was born into this family. I didn't choose it. I don't want it. And I want out. Right? And so when I was 16 and a half years old, I went to my first house party and had my first beer. And I, in that moment, stopped caring about religion and God and what other people thought about me and what my mother wanted from me or What potential, you know, consequences could fall on me for being at this party with people who aren't Jehovah's Witnesses? Like, there was so much guilt and shame associated with being human, you know, as a child. Like, no, if you hang out with people from the world, you know, God is going to punish you. You will not inherit the kingdom of God. You will be sinning against God.

So there's pressure.

Fucking heavy.

Oh, heavy. So no wonder you had your drink and it was like relief.

Yeah, I stopped caring. Here's— and this is the point. Here's the really important big point in all this is that when you drink, when you take a controlled substance, what it removes is all of the programming that has been downloaded. Okay, so you get this programming that says you should feel guilty when you do something wrong. When you do not do what you're told, you are doing something wrong, which inherently makes you wrong. There's something wrong with you and you will be punished. And you actually, as that programming gets downloaded from your childhood, there's a part of you that believes it. There is absolutely no question about it. You believe it because it was— your parents taught it to you. So it's doctrine. When you drink, all of that becomes just dribble and crap. And as a matter of fact, it doesn't even exist. In that moment, in that particular moment, you are free. I was free, completely free to be me. And I just jumped into my personality. Like, I was loud and funny and gregarious, and I was talking to everybody, and I wasn't worried about how I look, and I wasn't worried about God punishing me, and I wasn't worried about anything. For whatever reason, all of the programming got blocked when I was drinking. And I— and at that moment, I realized, oh my God, this is it. This is the secret. And I understand now why they don't want you drinking, because when you drink, you realize that all of that stuff, it's not true.

It's crap.

It's crap. It's not true. Like, you can act like I'm having the time of my life. And I haven't been hit by a light bolt. So I have been fed a load of crap. And this is the magic, the magical remedy for healing that I needed. So I truly believe like alcohol and drugs get a super bad rap, you know, and I am, this is coming from someone who has 17 years sober, who spent over 10 years in 12-step recovery, who has sponsored a bunch of guys, who knows the dangers of alcohol and drugs. And I still tell you that when you are in that kind of pain, when you are angry and bitter and resentful and full of rage, man, that just— it allows you to settle. It allows— and it allows that authentic, that authentic version of yourself To, to, to show, to show up right now. Here's the thing, you know, depending on, on how much you drink, you've got about a half an hour to an hour window.

I'm just laughing.

1, 2 drinks. Okay, 1, 2 drinks, you got about an hour to be the authentic version of yourself. And then once you cross over to that 3rd drink, you, you transform into another version of yourself.

Mm-hmm.

And that's the version that gets into all kinds of trouble, that, that starts to lose sight of the authenticity and starts going into different directions. It could be a myriad of different things, but that's where the consequences happen. You have to recognize that there's a small window in there where you can actually go, and I call it the 15-minute version of you, okay? Which is you put in a controlled substance in your body, in 15 minutes to half an hour, You are your authentic you.

But, and when it becomes living hell is when you try to control that. Like, because I started drinking for pain, but physical pain. And I also found that it did numb out a lot of the shame and emotional pain too. But I originally did it for like physical pain. I was self-medicating. And I would try to control, like, okay, I'm good right now. It's working. And nope, I'm not good now. I am just not.

That's everybody.

And, and, you know, when you try to control that, it becomes— it's horrible. I mean, my, my life became completely unmanageable, and it didn't take that long. But pain is pain. And I believe, you know, and there's a lot. And look, I think it doesn't discriminate. Life, we have adversity, we have challenges. And, you know, if we don't deal with that pain, like all those years built up and built up and built up until you were like, I need relief. I just need— and that alcohol was your relief. And it worked until I guess it didn't. Pain is always there. And unless we take a look at it and really start to heal it and be gentle with ourselves, I think that it can turn to rage or anger or, or destroy us.

And so— Listen, the alcohol, that's just the awakening. Okay? That's all it is. The alcohol and the controlled substances is just the awakening. It allows you for a moment to get a glimpse of who you really are. It is not the answer. It is not the solution. It is simply an opening, okay, a doorway into the truth. Okay.

Let's hope people listen to more of the podcast or they're just gonna listen to the very first, go, alcohol is a solution. Whoop, going to get me a 6-pack.

They can do whatever they want with this. It's up to them, right? And I, and I, and I believe that everyone has the right or deserves the dignity or the right to their own bottom. That's what happened to me. me. Like, you know, many years later, I was on the floor praying for death because the alcohol and the drugs had completely taken control of my life. You can— you listen, you can delude yourself into believing anything you want to believe. And if you want to listen to me and go, oh, okay, well, Omar just co-signed me to drink, then go right ahead. I will tell you this. Once again, I have 17 years sober from drugs and alcohol. Because those are not the solution. Nowhere in there did I say it was a solution. I said it was a doorway. And what it does is it allows you to see a version of yourself free from guilt, free from shame, okay? Free from the anger and the resentment and the bitterness that you have inside of you because you feel trapped, okay?

I like that you say it's the doorway. It is. Well, how long did you How long were you drinking until it became completely unmanageable? Or like this?

Right from the beginning. Right from the beginning, it was unmanageable. Right from the beginning. You see, what happens is you discover the doorway and then you start chasing the high. Okay, so first it's like, oh my God, like the first drink is like, ah, and then the, you know, the 10th is, you know, okay, so Here's, here's the thing.

And alcohol sales are through the roof right now.

Through the roof, through the roof. Here, here's the, the bottom line is this. It was always a problem, Amberly. It was, it was never the solution. Again, it's a doorway. You can, you can look at this any way that you want. Okay, but the truth of it is, for me, if I look back and look at what it allowed me to do was it allowed to see of me a version of me that was free of all the programming. However, if you keep drinking, it just sends you into this bottomless pit of despair and then ultimately sends you into different types of drugs and then you're addicted. And now instead of the doorway closes after a while, after a while the doorway closes and you go right into pit of despair every time you drink. And you use. But for some people, for some people that have not reached that level, there are those people that many of my clients are still very functional alcoholics. They have a family, they go to work, they have a job, they pay their bills. Like everything on the surface is manageable, but they're right on the, they're right on the edge. They're right on that. They know that if they, you know, just one, one false move and they could— their whole Jenga set could come crashing down. Okay? So in many cases I go, listen, relax, relax. Okay? There is something going on in your life. There is some trauma. There is some healing, emotional healing that needs to happen. And what's preventing you from having a complete nervous breakdown right now is you're being able to manage it. with alcohol. So let's work on this emotional— this emotional over— it's usually this emotional overwhelm that's preventing you from just being able to cope and deal with life. It's all it is. Like, I'm— I have a problem dealing with my life currently, but for whatever reason, I'm still managing. Okay? And so how do I— how do I get to this point where I don't have to manage with alcohol. So for me, in my story, it was all of the anger and the bitterness and the resentment, not just from, you know, being raised as Jehovah's Witness, but also believing the programming. So imagine that you feel all this guilt from abandoning your mother, abandoning the religion, abandoning God, walking away from everything that you were taught. You were taught to believe that there was a certain, a certain lifestyle or a certain, yeah, certain, a certain, yeah, certain, I guess, life. What's the, what's the word I'm looking for?

Expectations that you were, you know, expected to uphold with the family.

And great.

Yes. Okay. So this, that I am supposed to live according to these expectations that were taught to me as truths.

Mm-hmm.

Internally, there's a part of me that either doesn't believe it or doesn't want to believe it. And the pain happens when it's just, I don't want to believe it, but there's a part of me that does believe it. So here is me walking away from this. So eventually I'm going to be paying the consequences for abandoning God and abandoning this religion, abandoning my mother, right? Going my own way, doing my own thing. So there's this constant fear of impending doom all the time that even though I'm choosing to live my life on my life, on life's terms, I always kind of had this belief that some, that at some point the rug was going to be pulled out from under me. Right. There was—

And I think that we, we all as humans want to feel accepted and loved. And that was threatened when you chose to walk away. Uh-oh. My mom may not accept me anymore. God may not accept me or love me. That's a real— that's a lot of pressure. How old were you, 16, when you decided to walk away from— 16 and a half?

I was 16. I was 16 and a half. I was 16 when I told my mom I no longer wanted to be in the religion. Okay, I was 16 and a half when I had my first drink. Okay, and she said to wait till I was— she said, hey, listen, You're still under my roof. So, you know, you're legally of age at 18. Can you just stick it out till you're 18? And I said yes. And I think there's a part of me that's, that's resentful that I agreed to that because I didn't want to agree to it. I agreed to it because she wanted me to agree to it, right? So again, it was more of need for acceptance, people pleasing. That's what she would— that's what I was taught. I was taught to people please. I was taught to seek other people's approval. I was taught that other people's emotional states is my responsibility. So if my mom's not happy, it's my responsibility to make her happy.

Okay?

And so this is extremely painful as a child, and then you just carry this into your adulthood. So every time you talk to your mom, or every time I would talk to my mom, The phone will ring. I'm like, oh, it's my mother. And I didn't even know why I was in such distress every time the phone would ring, but I already knew, like, I'm gonna— she's gonna make me feel guilty. She's going to make me feel ashamed. She's gonna— she's gonna say something that is going to ruin my day.

Okay.

I just know this. And so this is why for so many of us We don't recognize that we have these toxic people in our lives, like our mother or our father or our brother or our sister. And in there, we have developed the belief system that just because they're our mother or father or brother or sister, that we don't have a choice in cutting them out of our lives. Like we have to accept this toxic relationship because we were never taught to set boundaries.

Yeah.

boundaries because we weren't allowed to have any boundaries. You just do what you're told. Okay? You don't know how to effectively communicate because there was no communication. You just do what you're told. And so there is this part of you that doesn't know what to do with this. So you just don't answer the phone. You avoid them, you know. And so that causes pain. That increases the shame. So it's just this compounded sense of shame and guilt and obligation.

Mm-hmm.

and despair. And so there's more drinking and more pot smoking, and then cocaine gets introduced. And the more these controlled substances come in, the more your brain just shuts off all that.

And then you become on like autopilot and you're just living life, uh, not really fulfilled, just living life. Now there may be some people listening today that are like, well, you know, I have a family member that drives me crazy and I don't really want to see them, but I've been stuck with them in quarantine. We're just now, you know, getting out of this COVID quarantine where a lot of people have been locked up with their family members for a while. And they're probably going, oh my goodness, thank goodness the stores are opening back up and the gyms are starting to open up. But what would you suggest to those people who are like, well, I can't get rid of my mom. How do I set a healthy boundary? What would you suggest for them to do? And by the way, I love my mom. It's her birthday today. And luckily I have a mom that I'm like, oh, I can't— that's my mom's calling, you know, because I know a lot of people don't have that.

No, absolutely. Yeah. And that's not my story. Every time my phone rings and it's my mother, I'm like, what is it now?

Yeah.

I'm 40, I'm 49 years old and the phone rings and I go, what is it now?

And I know a lot of people can relate to that. And I have friends that relate to that.

And I have set very hard, very hard boundaries with my mother. The thing is that in many cases, they don't know how to respect that. They don't, they didn't teach us boundaries because they don't know how to set boundaries or they don't know how to respect boundaries. They— my mother believes that, you know, as long as she's doing God's work, that, you know, the only person that she needs to respect is God's authority, God's wishes. So, if you have a problem with what I tell you or how I say it, then, you know, I'm sorry, but that's just— it's an excuse. So, here's the thing.

Here's what I was gonna say. It sounds kind of like a cop-out.

It's totally a cop-out. So, there's no easy answer here. If you're stuck with a family member that doesn't respect your boundaries, or more importantly, you haven't even set boundaries with them, now's the time to get into a fight. You know, I mean, at some point you have to stand up for yourself. At some point I've had to. I had to get— I mean, I literally had to stand up to my mom and say, this behavior is completely unacceptable. And if you do not respect my boundaries, which are these 1, 2, 3 things, okay, then we will not have a relationship, period, end of story. We will not spend time together. We will not hang out. We will not communicate unless these boundaries are respected. And if you're trapped in the house with them, then more importantly, if you keep this bottled up, it's going to come out in another way. Okay? If you're more of on a passive-aggressive note, you're going to snap eventually. You're going to blow up because—

I'm sorry.

I don't know, you lost the remote control from the TV, or the charger from your phone got misplaced, or, you know, the food got cold, or whatever the case may be. You will, one, at one moment, you will explode on this person on the most non-important thing. The other person is going to go, see, they're crazy.

Yes. So, right. But I think it's communication is key.

Like, I mean, Yeah, but, but here's the thing, Amberly. We know, we know this. Like, the question is not the communication is a key. The question is when you're in a toxic home environment, okay, the person listening right now going, my mom's not going to listen to me. That's what they're thinking. They're, I've tried to talk to my mom. And that's why I said you got to get ready to pick a fight because it has to be very, very, very clear. In other words, it's like, listen, we need to sit and we need to have a conversation. You have to set that tone because in many cases when you're the child, you could be 30, 40, 50 years old. When you have a toxic parent that does not respect boundaries, you're always going to be their child.

Well, what would you suggest to someone who's sitting there listening going, well, I don't like to fight. I don't like to cause problems. I would rather have a healthy relationship, but Omar's telling me to fight. I don't want to fight.

Yeah, I don't— I really don't have an answer for you. Okay, um, there is— I can only give from my experience and, and the people that I have coached, um, in my relationships with my sister and even with my, with my mom. Lots of dysfunction. And so they refuse to respect boundaries. So you're going to have to be prepared for them making excuses, saying they don't know what you're talking about. That's not true. Right? You'll set these boundaries. They'll say, of course I respect your boundaries.

Of course.

That's, you know, why you're overreacting. So my, my point being is there is, sure, there's this idea of, yeah, I don't want to fight and I don't want to have this kind of conversation, but Inside, you're eating it. You're eating the toxicity, you're eating it. So it's building, it's building. So what's happening is you're repressing and you're suppressing all of this anger and all of this resentment, which will eventually turn into rage. So first of all, you have to decide what are your boundaries. First, that's number one. So what is it about this relationship that needs to change for this to work for me? And then you have to be prepared to have this conversation where you sit across from your mother or your father or your sibling and say, listen, I don't want to fight with you. Okay, I really don't. But we need to have a serious conversation about how we're living together, right? We need to talk about some boundaries. We need to talk about respecting each other's privacy, talk about respecting each other's life choices. Okay. And That's the beginning. You set this tone, and you have to expect that someone who has never had this conversation is going to immediately take a step back. They're going to feel threatened. They're going to be like, "You know what? You know, I don't know what your problem is. I'm not ready to have this conversation." Blah blah blah. You have to kind of almost be ready for them to get on the defensive because they've. just never— they've never had this. Okay? And so you're like, we need— you're gonna have to insist and say, listen, we need to because it's really affecting me. Okay? Like, I'm getting upset. You know, we live together, we're in quarantine, we have to figure out a way to get along.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, we have to, we have to. Now, if they decide to sit and have this conversation, then what's going to happen is you're going to start setting down your boundaries. Once you start sending out your boundary, that's going to trigger them as well. Okay, I don't do that, and that's ridiculous, and I don't know what you're talking about. And then you're sitting there going, okay, here we go, we're kind of getting into this space. It goes, you have to be able to hold the line and hold your ground and say, I understand that you might not see this.

Mm-hmm. So, but I think it's really important to, to go back to what you said in the beginning of First, it's really important that you know what your boundaries are. What is, what is important to you? What are your values? Why something is triggering you? And even now, you know, when people are under so much stress from the economy, maybe some people still aren't back to work. Maybe they lost their job altogether.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe there is toxic— there are toxic relationships, people at home that aren't getting along because it's, it's hard. Homeschooling is hard. It is really hard. And they feel triggered that, oh, I just want to escape. I want to feel that freedom. I don't want to think about stuff. I don't want to think about any of the programming I have going on. And they want a drink. What would you do? How did you stop? How did you Stop going to that as your solution instead of going and then change your life around and start coaching people and coaching people through relationships and on recovery and addiction. How did you stop? How did you go, oh my gosh, that I'm triggered and I want to drink, but now I have to do something different?

Well, for me, it was the— I had just The consequences that I was— the level of consequences and the level to which I had destroyed my life was no— I was no longer able to deny how bad it had gotten. You know, you start just burning one bridge after another bridge after another bridge. So it was really at the end, my business partners had locked me out of the business, out of the office. They had told me I have to go to rehab. I have no business. I'm suspended from the business indefinitely until they see, you know, some sort of improvement. So, it was like, you need to go to rehab. My wife had kicked me out of the house. So, I was living on— I was basically living by myself. I'd been kicked out of my business. Most of my friends wanted nothing to do with me. I was really at this point in my life where I was alone.

Yeah.

Where no one— I was living in— I live in Costa Rica. So, you know, my mother and my father and my sister, everybody's in the States. And I was so ashamed of who I'd become and how horrible my life was. I didn't even reach out and ask them for help. I wanted to keep them as far away from it as possible.

Well, it's really hard to reach out for help when you're struggling, especially if you were raised a certain way for Like for me, it was, I was raised to, you know, it means you're weak. You know, if you show your vulnerability or ask for help, then you're not, you're not capable of doing that on your own. Well, you know, that somehow reflected back on me that I wasn't good enough. Like, and it, it all had to do with my self-worth. And so for me, I had to get humbled down. To go, I need help. And now I stay humble. But to me, when you ask for help, you, you grow so much and you get to do so much more when you have people support you through your struggles. And so it, although it took a lot of courage for me to ask for help, the more you do it, the easier it gets, I feel.

Well, absolutely. There's no way I could have done this alone. But I certainly wasn't going to ask anybody that I knew in my circle. I had hurt too many people. I really didn't even trust myself. I had not kind of really, I did not. I had lost complete faith in myself. And so there was, yeah, there was this, there was this evening, there was this night where You know, my wife was a few months pregnant at the time. We were separated, you know, for, you know, for all intents and purposes, you know, like everything was falling apart around me, right? And I just knew that, you know, I had a baby on the way and I couldn't stop using drugs and I'd lost the business and I was just, I was going nowhere. I had no idea what I was going to do, what value I was going to be able to provide. to my wife or my daughter on the way. And, you know, I remember one night I just, I had done so many drugs and I, I thought I was, I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack. I thought, you know, and so in that moment, I, I asked God for the first time because I had walked away from God. Now we're talking at that point, almost 15 years. So about, I would say close to 15 years where I had just walked away from God, walked away from spirituality. And there was a moment where I got on my knees and I said, I said, God, if you are there, if there is a God, then take me out of this world. Just take me out. I, I have no business being a husband or a father. I am just a waste of space. And, you know, I can't do this. I can't go on living like this, wreaking havoc on myself and others.

Wow.

So help me get clean or take me out of this world. And then the next morning I woke up and I remember that I'd gone to a therapist months, about 10 months earlier, who had said, have you ever tried going to 12-step meetings? And that's the only thing, that's the only thing that I saw and heard when I woke up that morning. I was literally lying in bed and I remember I could see the therapist's face and I could, and he was saying to me, do you, you know, have you ever considered going to 12-step meetings?

Wow.

And I got up, I got dressed, and I drove to his office. And I said, I need help. I need help. Can you, you know, give me directions to those meetings? He says, absolutely. I'm so glad you're back. And I went to my first meeting. And I said, you know, my name is Omar. I'm an addict. I need help. And they said, we can help you. Just keep coming back. I was desperate. I was desperate and I was alone.

And there's such a gift in desperation.

There is.

There is. Because I think it's that pain. And, you know, we are a lot of times pushed to change by pain. And when the pain gets too heavy or too great, then we are forced to do something different. And I think you were carrying so much pain, and you were— until it got too much, and you're like, oh, I need to change. And thank God you reached out for help and got help. And did you keep going back?

Oh, I just kept going back. I got myself a sponsor and started working the steps and committed my life to 12-step recovery in that moment. I just felt, you know, when I walked into that room, it was the first time in a long time that I had felt hope.

Mm.

And, you know, earlier we were talking about, you know, getting ready to fight and setting boundaries with your families. You have to understand something, that for me and for many people out there, we were stripped of our self-will and our authenticity and our right to choose. We were made to believe that we didn't have a choice in what we could do with our lives. That we had to do what we were told to do, or we were going to be punished by God. And so there was a big part of me that when I realized that it wasn't true, there's this anger that kind of comes, this real anger and rage that kind of comes. It's like, I lost so many years of my life. Part of, part of my life I lost when I was the victim. You know, part of my life I lost up until I was 16 and a half, you know, being told what to do and programmed to do what I was told. And then there was this time from 16 years old until 31 years old when I was brutally destroying my life with drugs and alcohol because I was trying to escape this.

Hmm.

I was trying to escape all this this, this programming and all this resentment and anger. And so, you know, you look and it's like 30 years of my life, you know, has been, you know, lost.

Yeah.

And so in this recovery process, what's really, really cool about it is that you really get to unwrap it. Okay? You get to tap into that anger. You get to tap into that, into that rage. You get to share it with someone who understands. You know, as I was sharing this stuff with my sponsor, he's like, man, I get it. I totally understand it. So, it, it, you need someone to validate that anger. You need someone to validate that despair because otherwise, it's gonna stay within.

Well, I have, you know, this is, this just made me think of something, you know, um, when I was in the process of writing my book, My editor was, he said, well, you need to write about how angry you were, or people are gonna think you're weird.

Hmm.

And I'm like, but I wasn't angry. He goes, well, you had to be angry in the hospital that that guy hit you. And I was like, but I really wasn't angry. And I haven't been angry. Yes, I have looked down at my leg, and I've been angry that it didn't work properly, but it's been more at the fact that it didn't work properly, or it couldn't— I wouldn't— but it's— I didn't— I have not had a lot of anger. And I've had people tell me, well, surely it's in there. Something's wrong with you if you're not angry, because all of these things. And I grew up very similar, although not a Jehovah's Witness. I grew up with a The God in my life, it was fear-based, like, oh, you better not do that. God's going to punish you or you won't go to heaven. You know, it was very, very a God fear, like, oh goodness, you better be a good girl or you are not going to go to heaven. But I didn't have a lot of anger. And when you're talking about the anger and stuff, I'm like, it brings up something in me that's like, well, what's wrong with me? I'm not, I'm not anger— angry, or I don't, I don't have that. But maybe pain is another level of anger. I don't know.

Well, here's the— and that's the big question. When you say pain, okay, like when I, When somebody says, I'm in pain. And they says, and if I were to say to you, Amberly, I'm in so much pain, what would you say to me?

Where do you feel it?

Right. So you would want to identify what's the pain? Where are you feeling the pain? Okay, so, you know, my heart hurts. Okay, so now we have an identification of my heart hurts. So now I tell you, my heart hurts. Now what do you tell me?

Well, I start asking why? What's going on? What does it feel like? No, describe it to me.

I've got a lot of pain in my heart. It hurts. It hurts. I don't know. I don't know how else to describe it. I just have this, this pain in my heart that really, really hurts. It's kind of like I'm having a hard time breathing. And it's bringing on some, some anxiety. You know, that's what it feels like.

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I mean, yes. Yeah, like for me there, and there's a lot of listeners that have a lot of pain, but a lot of physical pain, which then causes a lot of other kinds of pains because you, you know, there's pain that you miss time with your family when they're off doing something, but you are left behind because you can't walk.

Great. So now let's, let's boom, we just found. So that pain is sadness.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, so we just identified a feeling. So pain is too broad. Okay, so like, you know, I've had all this pain. I go, okay, great. So what are the feelings associated with it? Is it, is it physical pain? Because then that's a different— now we're talking about a different thing. You're talking about physical pain.

When you're talking to me in your heart, I'm like, is that, is it a physical thing like an anxiety attack, heart attack, or is that something emotionally you're trying to describe to me?

Everyone's different. Everyone's different. Okay.

And everybody experiences things differently and handles things differently.

For me, it was the anger. So, I believe that like so many of my clients, like the ones that come to me, I would say the majority of them are battling with this, with this anger.

Really?

Yeah, because there's almost every single time, right, we— I did— there, we're able to identify where the anger is. They're in so much pain, okay, emotional, emotional distress, right? And a lot of times it's, I'm just so sad, I'm just so sad, I feel sad because You know, I'm lonely and I feel like I was abandoned and blah blah blah blah blah. And I'm like, okay. And so tell me a little bit more about that. Yeah, well, I was sitting, you know, I was sitting waiting for my parents to come pick me up and they just left me there. And you know, it was just like I would get more and more sad. And and and so I want you to picture yourself. I want you to just kind of picture yourself kind of hovering over that little child. Right? And looking down and how does that make you feel right now? Well, a little pissed off. Right? And I go, okay, so let's, let's go there. Let's go there. Right? Because a lot of times what happens is I don't feel that I have the right to be angry or I feel guilty.

Well, that's interesting. And that's why I asked you about that because I'm like, do I not feel like I have the right to be angry? Is that what it is? So that's why I was asking you that and bringing that up and telling you that because it's like, yeah, why am I not angry? Is it, is it in my programming so much that that whole hide your crazy and be a lady, that it's not proper for me to be angry?

Interesting what you just said there. What'd you just say there?

Hide your crazy and be a lady. Is that a—

When did you When was the first time you heard that?

Oh gosh, I don't know. I was probably in the womb.

So you were not allowed to get angry, Amberly?

Probably not. Probably not. No, I was not. It wasn't okay to cry. I didn't cry, Omar, until— completely shut— did not cry until I think I was 25, I think. And I was running through the airport and my oldest, my oldest daughter, she was like a little kid, maybe 5 at the time, something. I'm getting there. Anyway, she was little. I was young myself. I was a young mom and I missed my flight. The doors, they shut the doors to the airplane and I realized I had just missed my flight and I dropped all my bags that I was running with and I cried and my daughter was like, Oh my gosh. Oh, mama, I didn't know that you knew how to cry. And I realized at that moment it had been years. I hadn't cried since I was a little kid. And so I did a lot. I remember when, when I started drinking, I realized that alcohol helped me stuff things down a little more. And when I got sober, and I've been sober for, for a little over 4 years now, I think the whole first year of my sobriety, I think I cried. I think I was like the most emotional person. I'm always blown away when I see people that are newly sober that look like they have it pretty together because I was a mess. I mean, a mess. That was definitely a saying growing up. It's a process of unlearning a lot of programming or things that you learned or things that you thought well, this is just how it is, or this is the way. But, but I always felt a little different. And that's what, like you said, when you grew up, you felt you were different.

Mm-hmm.

I always felt a little different. And that's one of the reasons I moved as soon as I graduated from school. I wanted to pursue my dreams in my career, but I also didn't feel like I quite belonged. I knew that I wanted something more and I wanted— that just wasn't the life for me. And so I think that, but for me, I did always have a connection with God until I started drinking. And when you numb out the pain or the feelings or the shame, you also, I feel, disconnect your direct line with your higher power. And thankfully when I got sober, I have a direct line again, because I think there's no way I could get through so much of what I go through without the grace. That's what the grace stands for— the grit, and then by God's grace. And so thank goodness for that and for community. And you talk a lot about religion and spirituality in your support group, and your support group is just growing by the minute. One of the things, and this is totally, uh, kind of changing subjects, but I wanted to ask you before I forget, how do you— you know, you're in charge of this, you know, you run this big support group, you have a successful business, you're doing speaking everywhere. How do you balance your, your work life? And your sobriety and your family time?

Well, Google Calendar.

And you stick to it. So Google Calendar. But I'm sure you have a ton of people pulling at you. And that's got to be hard when you want to help people and you're an overcoming people pleaser. How did you— was it just really sticking to those boundaries?

It's, you know, you throw yourself into the fire. Started when I first started this, it was, you know, it was a podcast 5 years ago that I started. There's nobody pulling at you 5 years ago. So, it takes a while for that momentum to build. So, before you know it, you're kind of there. Before you know it, you're getting emails and private messages and I want to be on the show and this and that and I need help and this and that and it's like, oh my God, like— What do I do with all this? So eventually, I started to feel this overwhelm, like, I don't know what to do here with, with this thing. Like, I have this podcast and I have all these people reaching out. I can't, you know, help everyone. The idea is that, you know, you listen to the podcast and you get some help from it. But, you know, when I started the community on the Facebook community, it really started to grow exponentially.

And so, I can help each other, I'm sure, too.

Just, well, that was really the, the, my first step. My first step was to get the people that were really involved in the first free Facebook group. I made like 10 of them admins, right? So, I empowered them to, to make decisions and to, you know, I encourage them to answer posts and to be there to support the other members. And so as those people were posting and commenting and supporting the other members, the other people that said, well, it's not just Omar supporting people, it's all these people supporting, why can't I? And so their level of empowerment started to bleed into the regular membership and they would chime in. And before I knew it, it kind of took care of itself.

Mm-hmm.

And so in the meantime, while that's happening, while I'm getting control of this, you know, of this platform and empowering people and getting people to help me, um, I got, I hired a coach. I hired a coach and I joined a mastermind community for business, for businessmen, you know? And I said, I've got this podcast and I've got like, you know, 30,000 downloads a month. And I've got this Facebook group. It's got like 5,000 people in it. Like, you know, what, what can I do? How can I launch, you know, how can I launch a business? They said the best way to kind of put the brakes on things and to be able to set boundaries is to start charging. As soon as people have to pay, you're going to get a lot less people that are going to be coming your way, right? And I'm like, oh man, that makes a lot of sense, right? If they don't have skin in the game, then, you know, you are going to just basically drown in all of these people that are going to come to you and ask for help. So it's like, great. So that took about a year for me to really work through all of my own imposter syndrome and my own fear of charging in the recovery space. And, you know, what are other people going to think? So, there's all of those limiting beliefs that are also part of the program. What are other people going to think? Am I— who am I to do this? You know, what qualifies me? So, there was all this kind of these what I call limiting beliefs that was preventing me from launching. But as soon as I got a coach and as soon as I joined the mastermind, I got the right coaching that I needed. I got— they were like, listen, if you have people that are currently listening to you right now every single week, they know, like, and trust you, or else they wouldn't be coming back. They're probably dying for you to put something out so they can connect with you on a more intimate level. And so that's what I did. That's when I launched my coaching practice and I launched the membership community and immediately just started filling up. Like, this was 2 and a half years ago, and there was people that were like, like they said, they were like, yeah, man, absolutely, I want to get in there, I want to join. And they actually wanted something more intimate. You know, if they're paying for it, there's gonna— there's a lot less people that are gonna pay than not pay.

Okay.

So you automatically are with a different group of people, people willing to invest in themselves, people willing to pay to be in a more intimate you know, group. And also, they have direct access to me. Like, the people that are in the smaller group, they can private message me. I'm on weekly calls with them. So, they have much more access to me. And then, I continue to empower them in that group. So, really, that was the way that I started. And then, they were like, you need to block out your day. You're like, the week before, You need to have everything scheduled out. Whatever the, the universe abhors is a vacuum. So, if you've got space in your calendar, it's gonna get filled. So, make sure—

And I can't agree with that more because if I don't write in my calendar that this is the time that I am working on another course, one of my courses, then I will fill that with a client. If I don't block out a time where Amberly's workout, I will fill that with a Client. And so I get carried away talking to you, right? When I said that, I'm like, oh my goodness, I just looked at the time. I'm like, oh yeah, see, I've got to, I have to look at the time and, and gosh, this goes by so fast with you. I could talk to you all day. But yeah, but we have to get going.

Yeah.

But, but before we go, I do want to ask you a question. What do you think the definition— what is resilience to you? What is the definition of resilience to you?

Fall down 7 times, get up 8. There just isn't— you never, ever, ever give up. I mean, I remember one time I was talking to one of my coaches who's known me for many, many years, and he said— and I said, I think it's time for me to write, write a book. Or, oh no, we were working on some different public speaking topics. And I said, you know, I'm— I want to make up a list of some public speaking topics so I can work on some new speeches. And I said, I'm kind of stuck though. And I go, you've known me for so long, what would you, you know, what topics come to mind? He goes, the first one that comes to mind is perseverance. Oh, you've never ever given up. And that's something that you not only have learned on your own, but this is something that you can teach people. You've never given up. I've watched you fall down and get back up and fall down and get back up and fall down and get back up. You do not give up. And every time you get up, you're a better version of yourself. You know, so—

That's the key right there. Get back up and being a better version of yourself is where, because that's where the magic happens. That's where good things start to happen. So, I love that. What is the best place for people to find you? I mean, of course, your podcast, but then if they want to check out your courses, where's the best place to reach out to you?

Best place to find me, 2 places. Go to www.theshairpodcast.com. Share is spelled S-H-A-I-R. Or just go to omarpinto.com. Both of those pages, one Primarily features the podcast. The other one primarily, you know, features my coaching. Each one of those websites, you can get a hold of me. I'm on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Omar Pinto. Just, there's not too many Omar Pintos out there.

No, I think you're the one and only. I mean, your name pops up the minute you—

Yeah, my little bald head pops up when you type in Omar Pinto. You know, I'm easy to find.

Well, I just appreciate you taking the time to come on and share your inspiring story and what you've done to transform your life and how you're sharing so many tools and nuggets of wisdom to transform other people's lives. And you really got me thinking about that, that whole anger thing.

Really?

My husband better watch out.

Yeah, I may just I'm gonna give you, I'm gonna give you a little tip, okay? Just a little, a little tip. Grab a piece of paper, okay? Breathe deeply, okay? Sit down, pen and paper, and just start with, I am angry because, and just see if anything comes up, okay?

I did do that with my leg.

Okay.

And my best friend was like, she thought that I was gonna write like a love note.

Mm-hmm.

To my leg. She wanted me to write something. So I let her read the paper and it was like, I hate my leg. It doesn't work right. I mean, it was— and she read it and she was shocked because those kind of words don't come out of my mouth. Like, hate is like a 4-letter word in our house. And she was like, oh my goodness, I had no idea. But it was very healing for me.

I did.

Good start. You know, it was, it really was. And I was able to let those feelings come up and process that and then learn to love my leg. And now I look at it with gratitude for all it does for me instead of for what it— it's, it's the victim mentality versus the victor mentality, you know. And to be a warrior, you have to— I mean, embracing gratitude changes So much. It's changed my life. So—

Try that out. And when you're done, light it on fire.

That's what I did. That's what I did with my friend.

Okay, perfect. You know exactly what to see, what else you can tap into, because it really pops up. And it's not about— it's— the thing is, you think, well, I don't— it's about release. This is your opportunity right here to release any anger that's inside. And like you said, once that happens, that gratitude comes to the surface, the relief comes to the surface. What's underneath there is probably a lot of passion, a lot of intensity, a lot of joy. Okay, as you, as you allow this to just be released.

I think it's love is underneath all the layers. And the debris of pain and shame and anger. It's love. So, and we certainly need a lot more of that in the world right now. So—

I agree.

But thank you so much, Omar.

Thank you, Amberly.

I just appreciate you. Thank you. And enjoy that Costa Rican weather there. I have to come see you sometime.

Please do.

Okay.

I'm enjoying it every day. Love ya.

Love you.

Thanks so much for joining us this week on True Grit and Grace Podcast. If you like it, please rate it or share it with your friends.

That would help too.

If you're not yet on the newsletter list, come over to amberlylago.com and jump on it. While you're there, you can grab a free free downloadable gratitude journal, and you might just want to check out my book or even check out my monthly motivational membership. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next week.