Get The Woman & Life You Want with Apollonia Ponti

Thank you for tuning in to the True Grit and Grace podcast. I'm Amberly Lago, and I'll be sharing inspirational stories of resilience and empowering ideas to elevate your business and your life, ignite your passion, and fuel your purpose. Thanks for tuning in to True Grit and Grace. I'm so grateful that you're here. Before we dive into this week's episode, I want to share something that I wish that I had when I first started out. So when I had this big dream of writing a book and I didn't quite know how to do it, but I really had this dream of doing it. I barely had any social media following, and all truth be told, I barely even knew how to post anything on Instagram. Fast forward to today where I've got a bestselling book. Thanks to you, you've made this podcast a top 1% podcast. And I have built my Instagram up to over 220,000 followers. Thank you if you're following me there. I love being connected. So I want to share all the tips and tools that I've learned along the way because you can learn 2 different ways. You can learn from your failures, which can cost you a lot of time, money, energy, or you can learn from the experiences of others who are exactly where you are and they are where you want to be. So I've put together a mastermind with experts in their field of publishing books, motivational speaking, podcasting, branding. And we're coming together and we're opening up our playbook and our little black books, and we're sharing everything that we learned so you can time collapse your journey from point A to point B. So if you're a success-minded female and you're ready to level up, if you're ready to increase your influence impact so you can make a bigger income, This is the mastermind for you. We kick it off in Dallas at a 2-day event. It's a year-long experience. And then we have another 2-day event where you will get on stage and you will get to share your message. And it's going to be videoed. We're going to have a photographer there. So you'll get lifestyle shots and stage shots. Just email me, amberly@amberlylago.com. All this information is in the show notes where you can also find truegritandgrace.com to get more details on the event. But Email me if you're really serious about increasing your influence. We can get on a call and see if this is a right fit for you. So let's be unstoppable together. We need more female leaders stepping it up and having bestselling books, getting on the stage and sharing their message. I want to help you every step of the way. So just email me again, amberly@amberlylago.com. And now on to the show. Hello and welcome to True Grit and Grace. Today I have one of my really good friends that we met at a speaking event that we were doing. Apollonia Pointy is here. She is a certified coach, an incredible speaker with a heart of gold. She's an expert that specializes in coaching men and dating and relationships, and I am So hooked on her YouTube channel, which she has hundreds of thousands of subscribers to and gets millions of views. So I'm talking to a real superstar here. All of the coaching programs that she offers, I actually want my husband to, to start those too. I think everybody needs to learn from you. I'm so grateful to have you here on the show. Thank you for Being here. I know you have so many things that you do, so I appreciate you spending some time with us. I'm so happy to see you again too.

Me too. I'm so happy to see you too. And for your community that's listening, you know, I meet a lot of people in the industry and I always tell you this, I meet so many people, but with you, you've made an imprint in my life. There's not a lot of people that have such a big open heart and loving heart as you do. And I just appreciate what you do. And I appreciate you as a human and a person. And you really, really, really do this from your heart, but also too, You live and breathe this work, and I just want your community to know that you are just exactly as they see you.

Oh my goodness, I just love you. And we were at Stephen Scoggins' event and had such a good time. I mean, on, on the panel, on stage, of course, but backstage hanging out with you was a blast. And I was just like loving learning all about what you do. And I just want you to share with the community, like, how did you get to be this expert in coaching men?

I came from a family where my mother and father never really had a relationship. So a lot of people would call this a broken home, right, where their mother and father were divorced. And I didn't really— I wasn't raised with a father. So my life growing up with my father was Very hot and cold. My father suffered from substance abuse. I didn't know it at the time when I was younger. He was very narcissistic. He manipulated me a lot as his child, and he definitely wanted to have children to fill his happiness and for them to love. So, um, it was a very hard relationship with my father. And so my mother always supported me as well. And, um, The one thing that I remember growing up is I always tried to fix my father, because as a young girl, your first relationship is your parents and your father, you know. And I was always exploring at the age of like 7, 8. I remember my mom telling me one day, at 6 years old, you asked me, what is the meaning of love? Like, this was a question for you at 6 years old that just dropped— my mouth dropped, Apollonia, when you asked me this. And I would always study and read books. I would just like try to understand, but back then there was not a lot in the '90s. The only thing was Dr. Ruth and Loveline.

Oh, yeah.

Remember? And this is when I was in high school. So definitely giving away my age if people do the math. But I was, I was interested in understanding love and relationships and why my father would treat me this way and why my mother would cry and why he would cry. And so I dove in. Um, in school, I would fail school because I would literally be reading, pretending to be reading a literature book, but inside was a relationship, dating, love book, um, infidelity. Like, I was reading books at the age of 10 to forever on love.

Wow.

And so I graduated from high school and, and so on. And, um, long story short, Got into banking industry, noticed that wasn't my passion. Thought I wanted to do matchmaking because I always wanted to do something in the realms of love because I couldn't help my father. So I wanted to be able to help a lot of people out there because I learned so much from my troubling relationships, my troubles with my father, and my friends would always come to me. So the bank hired me to do speeches. I loved that. And I said, I think this is enough. I'm gonna start coaching in dating and relationships. Like, I think I want to do spirituality. And so I started dabbling, and I didn't— I knew, like, spirituality I loved, but it was more of my sacred space. Then I started day, um, coaching women in dating and relationships, and I loved it, but it wasn't the best. I knew it wasn't like, oh, it's in my soul.

Yeah.

And I had my first man client, um, a beautiful man, and I just remember I was like, after that call, this is it. I'm only working with men because it fed my soul so deeply because I was never able to help my father. And I have so many— I have great relationships with my sisters. They weren't either. But we're inseparable. We are like magnets, you know, we're strong. And my soul has been fed because just because I wasn't able to help him, now I can help Millions and thousands of men out here in the world. And just sometimes I get emotional thinking about it. And that's the reason why I'm here. And that's my purpose. Wow.

So is your father still alive?

Yes, he is.

How is your relationship with him now?

Um, we don't talk, you know. No, we— it's kind of one of those relationships where I had to just say goodwill, you know, and wish him goodwill and let him be. My sister talks to him every once in a while, but she also keeps him at a distance, you know, boundaries, our whole family. My younger sister doesn't talk to him at all. So it's a really tricky situation for the whole family. But I've helped everybody be able to manage him, the whole family, in order for us to have happiness and compassion for him at the same time. And, you know, my sisters still have their works to do around their father— our father, I should say. But other than that—

Well, it's— you know what? It's the relationship you have with your parents, that dynamic, it impacts everything that you do.

It does.

The relationships, the— I mean, even the men that you pick in your life. I noticed, you know, the— at first I was kind of picking the same guy in like a different costume. Like, I would get down to it and be like, oh, they're emotionally unavailable. Like every single one. Why am I picking this guy? Well, actually what helped me heal my relationship with my dad was when I wrote my book. and wrote about some really tricky, uncomfortable trauma and stuff that had happened, it allowed us to heal our relationship. And now we have such an incredible relationship. But that didn't start till I was in my late 40s to where we had this great relationship. Um, but I love that you just knew after that one man client that you had that like— It was That you knew. Now, have you told him that having him really inspired you to like keep coaching men? Does that client know about that?

Um, you know what, that's a great question. I don't think so. No, no. And it's interesting because that client actually found his wife, uh, 3 months after working with me.

Wow. Well, you, you have So much that you share, from everything about narcissism to how to get— know when your husband's cheating, or knowing they're cheating on you, whether you're a man or a woman. Um, but you did a post that I was like, ooh, that's powerful. You said, learn the difference between your intuition guiding you and your trauma misleading you. So I'm always like, I didn't trust my gut for a long time because I had kind of had stuff happen as a kid and was told, oh, that's how— that's fine, that's how a father teaches his daughter, that's the right thing. But I've learned to listen to my gut more. How do you differentiate between the two— trauma misleading you or your intuition guiding you?

Yeah, so I think it definitely takes a couple steps, and I want to be totally open and honest to your community, my community, anybody that's watching on the Instagram, my Instagram Live too, is it's a process to trust your intuition. You know, we are allowed to make mistakes because it is very tricky, tricky. And also too, till this day as a coach and doing and preaching all this, there's just recently, you know, I've had a situation happen in my life that my intuition was yelling at me and I didn't listen, right? So there's other times where I do listen. So it's okay to mess up from time to time because a lot of us want to perfect it. Right. And this is where it doesn't get exciting anymore. And I, the steps of understanding the difference between your intuition and traumas, the biggest one that overall is understand that you're okay. It's okay to mess up because it is tricky. 2 is we have to also recognize what are our traumas? Like, what are our traumas? What are our triggers and why? And typically people ask, you know, Apollonia, how do I know my trauma? How do I know my triggers? Where do I even start? Right. Majority, 99.9% of the time, all of these come from our childhood. or our past relationships as well. Right. So I always say, start on childhood, typically sit in silence or meditation, binaural beats, sound baths, and just go back into your childhood and just remember all the happy memories. And then remember the memories that probably stick out to you, you know, and a lot of us actually shut these memories off, the ones that are bad memories. And the way to open those memories up is just by walking yourself through a journey in your childhood. Right. And being patient with it, um, and understanding your triggers and traumas. And so once you understand, maybe your mother yelled at you really badly and something happened in that situation, let's say, well, that's probably a situation that you've gone through. So recognize maybe how did that make you feel as a child during that time, right? And start doing the work on the inner child, because if we don't recognize our traumas, we're not going to recognize and be able to separate the difference. Now, We don't have to recognize every trauma and every trigger, obviously, because things will come up. And as we learn, we're humans, we evolve, we're allowed to not know every single trigger at every, you know, as we evolve in life, but situations come up in order for us to learn. And so intuition is something that speaks to you. Once we recognize some of our traumas, we know that we have it in the first place and we're working through it. We have those tools. Intuition speaks to you differently. Intuition, the only way I can think of it is it's your gut. And it continues to remind you.

Yeah.

It needs to remind you. And so the thing that I always say too is the difference— how I know is pay attention to your nervous system. If your nervous system is overreacting and you're— that you're in trauma, right? And so typically when your intuition— intuition is soft, but it can be loud. It can get you to question things and it's composed.

And you said something right there. It can get you to question things. I think that's key. And I think it's being still long enough, you know. I think nowadays it's just go, go, go. Everything's moving so fast and we're busy and our schedules are packed. But I really feel like when it keeps coming up, if you pause to ask those questions, or if you're, you know, you're like— for me, my gut will say Hmm, something doesn't seem right about this. But I'm just like, well, they're telling me it's right, it must be right. And they're telling me these things. But I think that is key, what you just said. That's so powerful.

And even with people, you know, like, I meet people all the time, not to say that they're a bad person, but do they have the best intentions for me in that moment? And you can feel that energy, your intuition will tell you Instantly. Um, and sometimes some of us fight that because when we're like on the outside, well, they're a nice person, they smiled, they gave me a hug, they offered me their home, they offered to go out to lunch, they paid for the bill, whatever we may say. Yeah, right.

I got screwed over recently, so I'm like, yeah, yes, I know. And then, yes, and then I was just like, wow, you know, my gut was telling me something was off. this didn't feel right. And I, I did ask some questions and I was like, oh my gosh, I cannot believe I walked into this trap. Like it, you know? And I was like, I've got to listen to my intuition. And also a lot of times mine boils down to my worth. Like maybe I didn't feel like I was worthy enough, or I, I don't know. But yes, I think you do feel that energy when you meet someone.

1,000%. And everything, no matter what. And so many of us too, what I've noticed is so many of us go through childhood relationships where we have friendships for a very long time and we give them the benefit of the doubt. But it is okay to outgrow because intuitively, maybe you know that that person's best interest is not supporting you and you will know. So many of us stay stuck in these relationships because it's like, but I can't let that go. We have so much time together. But here's the thing. It's the thing about relationships is the same as friendships. as a couple, as a romantic intimate relationship, you have a responsibility to grow together, right? Because the moment that you guys stop growing together, you guys can do different things, have different hobbies, but your foundation needs to grow together. The minute that stops, this is where couples start to have questions. People start to have questions about their marriage and they don't feel seen. They don't feel heard. And so much happens here. And the same goes with friendships. But friendships is different because there's not this contract of marriage sometimes, right, to let go of. And so with friendships, a lot of us stay in these friendships and say, well, I gotta make it work because this person has done so much for me, or I gotta make it work because there's so much time. But intuitively, what you're noticing is maybe there's something's wrong here. They're not— maybe your foundational principle is respect, and you're growing in life, and you're noticing that they're lacking respect for you in different ways that they respected you before when you were someone different. And this is not talked about often. And I think that it's really important that we start noticing the difference between intuition and trauma. And the thing that I tell my clients is ego lives in trauma. And remember, intuition is solitude, intuition is peace, intuition makes you question, intuition is alignment, intuition is awareness. But when you are in trauma, it can be like ego. And that's where the nervous system comes in. Oh, well, I'm better than this. And I'm this and I'm that. That's not peace. Wow.

My gosh, I am just hanging on your every word. I swear, every time I hear you— and that's how it was when we got together in person. It was just like I could feel your energy, like, amazing. And I just, you know, there's so much that you share, especially when you were talking about how you grow, but as long as your foundation Is growing together. How do you keep the spark in a relationship? So, you know, my husband and I have been together for like 17 years. And how do you keep that spark? I mean, he makes me laugh and he puts up with a lot. If the audience is like, oh, my relationship, I feel like we're growing apart. How do you keep that growing together? And how do you keep the spark?

I want to be clear to everybody, to your listeners as well. If you're in long-term marriages, I'm married myself. Like, I know how it is. My husband and I have been together for more than 7 years, and I know where this is. And here's what a lot of us tend to do in relationships, in marriage. Apollonia, my wife hasn't slept with me for over 2 weeks. Apollonia, my husband hasn't slept with me for over 2 weeks, right? What's going on? Okay. So there's things that we want to be clear about. Marriages and relationships go through seasons. Okay. A lot of us justify our intimacy as if that's the quality of our relationship.

That's so true.

Our physical intimacy. Right. And so this is where we have to be really careful because when we qualify our relationships off of physical intimacy, the moment something is off balance, We get into fight or flight, or we get into reactions and things like that because life happens. Hormones happen. Do you know now more than ever, men testosterone levels are their all-time lowest at the age of 28 years old?

Why is that?

I think it's just the world, the food, everything. I don't know. I'm not a doctor, but this, I'm actually having a doctor on my YouTube channel to just talk about this soon for men, but it's also happening to women too. Right. So, so many men don't know this. Their testosterone levels are down. Maybe they're, they're, they, they feel like they're not, they can't get turned on as easily with their wife. And they're like, but I— and then the wife takes offense to it. And it's like this whole situation that happens, but he's like, but I am turned on by you. It's just, I don't have the drive sometimes. Right. So this happens in relationships too. And what a lot of us do is we compare ourselves either to newer relationships or couples that are flaunting and saying, yeah, we have sex every day. Or once a week.

Or to their old self, to how things, you know, when you were in your 20s. And Mary, you know, I think that's so— and hormones do change, especially— look, I just turned 50. I'm like, my hormones are changing.

You're either going up or down or stay in the middle.

I know.

And so here's the thing too, is like, we have to remember this, is that we can't judge our relationship off of how we physically respond to each other, because we all do things like— we're both entrepreneurs. We both know what it's like to come back from a speech, give your all to people. You are drained.

You're just wiped out.

Your relationship is not comparable to a relationship, and this is okay, where people are at home and not entrepreneurs and they come home every night at 5:00 PM possibly. It's different. And their relationship is not the same as an entrepreneur's relationship. So you have to have a contract with your partner. You have to understand this contract. Listen, We haven't had sex in 2 weeks, but that's because I've been traveling. You're traveling. I'm doing a book. You're doing a book. And by the time we get home, the only thing I want to do is hug you and love you. I have no much energy. Yeah. Right. And that's where you have that contract bond is where we keep the spark is by understanding one another.

Right.

Understanding one another. And also the partners has a responsibility for their own individuality. The moment one partner loses responsibility for their own individuality, meaning their growth, their alignment, their responsibilities— they can mess up, but they gotta get back on track— is where you are also doing a disservice to your partnership, to your relationships, to your marriage, right? And then also too, it is okay to not be attracted to your partner every moment, or for a week, or for a day. It will come back because guess what? There is a bond that you share with your husband. There is a bond that a man shares with his wife. There is a bond that you both share that you will come together, communicate, and remind yourself of why you fell in love with one another. And if you lose it, this is where couple counseling comes in. This is where doing activities that will come in that are different, taking time away from each other, talking about that. But one practice that I actually learned myself to do is Tell your partner once a day the reason why you fell in love with them in the first place. Every day, little or big. Okay.

I love that.

And it helps so much because think about it, when something happens in a marriage or relationship, you both want to fight for it. The only reason why you're having issues is because the both of you don't feel heard or seen. And then number 2 is when you're in an argument, You will typically— when we are communicating in partnerships, we're sometimes we're communicating to win. I want to be the winner. I'm right, right? The first thing a couple must do is find something you both agree on before you resolve the situation of the argument.

Oh, communication is just so important. What do you suggest when there's resentment in a relationship, how to let go of that resentment?

Yeah, um, this is a really personal question actually, and I just want to close off that. I think those are the principles we need to keep that spark alive, because spark isn't physical. Spark is, am I heard and am I seen in our marriages and relationships? That's what keeps the spark. Because if another man sees me— if my man sees me, no other man is going to be able to justify and reach the capability my man can. And same for a woman, right? Now, in regards to resentment, This is a personal thing, and I can speak openly about this because me and my husband overcame this. Um, my husband resented me for a little bit, and it came up in the way he energetically responded to me sometimes. And I remember we were in the car and we had an argument.

Did he resent you because of like, you are so— as an entrepreneur, you have so much on your plate, your business is booming, and you have all these coaches that work with you and all that?

Yeah, it's interesting because he's just as busy as me and probably bigger than me. But, um, here's what he resented me on is he helped me so much in my business that he felt that I didn't appreciate him.

Oh, that hits home for me a little bit too, just because, you know, I mean, I started getting comments from my husband. I don't know if he's going to listen to this episode. I hope he does. But he would say things like, Well, you have to— you have both of your legs because of me. I carried your bedpan for you for so long. And I don't feel like he felt as appreciated from me in the moment back then. Yes. But for other things that he did. So I felt like there was a little bit of resentment. So I want to know how you resolved it.

Yeah. So I think the biggest thing for me in regards to how we resolved this in particular I remember just being in the car and saying to him, babe, like, I'm not responsible for your resentment anymore. Like, I can't— I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to— we did— I communicated with him. And I think one of the things that got to him is like, you need to be responsible for your own resentment with me and figure out what you need from me and tell me.

Yeah.

Because if you don't, it will ruin our marriage. At this moment, I never said this to him before. I, I looked at him and I said, at this moment, I'm not responsible for it anymore. You have to show me how to help you. Right. And so through this, and so I think one of the best things in regards to this was, um, before this, you know, when it comes to resentment and relationships before this, um, he didn't really know what he resented me for. Right. So we could say, He resented me. Like I just said, he resented me because that, um, he was giving me— he didn't feel appreciated because he did so much in my business. Okay. But what's underlying that? He didn't feel appreciated. Okay. But he didn't feel seen. He didn't feel loved. He didn't feel heard. Right. Why? Right. So that's where it had to be. And so, um, you know, like for example, with your husband, you know, he's— it's right what he did. It's true what he did because Who knows, you know, God put him in your life for a reason, and it was to help you with this and to give you love, nurture you, and be your husband. And also, who knows if you had another husband if you would be able to prevail through this, right? Because it's a—

Oh, I don't think I would have. I mean, it was— he really did and still does a lot for me.

Exactly. And so we have to find how we can own that as wives as well. Like, how can I own my husband's emotions and say, he is— there is truth in this. It is right. And validate that for him, but then give him the responsibility to say, what do you need from me to overcome this resentment? And I need you to do that work because I can't read— you can't read his mind. And it comes down to childhood. You don't feel a certain way. You don't feel seen. He doesn't feel heard in some way. And so what is his resentment? Maybe he needs you to spend more time with him, right? Maybe that could be one of them. And because maybe his love language is not being filled and you guys need to talk about that or whatever the case may be. And that's where owning it, giving him the validation that he is right is really important. Remember, find something you both can agree on because that is right.

Yeah.

And then breaking through that with, all right, now what do we have to do? The responsibility of resentment is in your hands because you resent me. So what do I need to do to help you through this? And then you need to take responsibility in your growth and healing. Wow.

And I'm so glad that you brought up love language. Tell us what the 5 love languages are.

Yes. The 5 love languages are physical touch, acts of service, words of affirmation, gifts, and quality time.

What are you?

I am quality time. And words of affirmation.

Yeah.

And opposite, actually, he's acts of service and gifts. I'm in the quality time and words of affirmation are his last. Really?

Well, isn't that interesting? My husband's are physical and I think words of affirmation. I think I got to figure it out, but I know for sure physical. I'm like, I know that one for sure. Um, but I think it's so— when you can figure out what both of your love languages are, then you know how to, you know, make your husband feel more seen, loved, heard, appreciated. So I think that's important. Do you focus on those love languages a lot, like for your husband?

Oh yeah, I totally believe in it. Like, I 1,000% believe in it. It's a book called, uh, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and he actually has a free quiz. So I would encourage anybody to do it. Just Google Gary Chapman love language quiz and it'll come up. Um, and you and your partner can do it. Like, Alex, my partner, and I actually do this together. Sometimes we'll do it like after— we did another one like 3 years later. We did in the beginning of our relationship and then 3 years later of our relationship to see if it was still the same. Because they can change from time to time, depending on where you are in life, not so much. That's where they can find it. And this is something I think about all the time because I notice my husband's love language is acts of service. The moment I do something acts of service, he's like goo goo gaga. But the moment I'm like trying to be physical with him, like physical touch on the couch and stuff, and he's like, babe, like give me some space. Give me some time. Hold on. You know?

More physical touch. Wow. Yeah. And, um, I think that it is. I first actually learned about this from my little cousin who is, I think she's 17 years old, you know? And I'm like, wow, it's amazing. But I think that kids learn so much more now because of YouTube. And I'm gonna ask her if it was your YouTube channel that she watched. Okay. But now just a few more questions, cuz I think the men listening really need to hear this. So. all the men out there that are looking for love and they don't even know how to like text someone appropriately or talk to someone appropriately. So I want to get down to some things that the men out there can do if they are looking for love, you know. So first of all, tell us, how do you text a woman?

I'd love to.

Seeming like a stalker or saying the wrong thing. Can you give them some tips on just how to text properly?

Yeah, so one is the 3-day rule is non-existent. This was like old things, like wait 3 days to text a woman after you get her number. Like, don't do that, number one.

Yeah, that drove me crazy. My husband was not like that. He texted me and called me right after he met me, like 3 times. I was like, okay, he might be a bit of a stalker, but I fell for him.

He went after what he wanted. Exactly. He probably had charisma and confidence behind that. And that's the thing is like As long as you have charisma, confidence, and you're grounded as a human being, and you've done work on yourself, you've set intentions for what you want in life, and you aligned yourself to it, I feel like no matter what you're going to— no matter what you do say, you're not going to come off as a serial killer, obviously. And you'll be aligned with that person, and that person will like it. What we do wrong in texting is we overtext, or we're not patient if someone is busy. We have to understand, like, some people are not texters, some people are texters. There's People going through things. Also too, if you're not good with humor, don't try to be humorous through texts, right? Just call yourself out. Like, listen, I would crack a joke, but my humor is horrible right now. Maybe when we meet in person, I'll give you a dosage of it, right? Where just, if you can call yourself out, this is where women love. This is what women love because they get to see a true you, right? A lot of men are taught to be robots. Wait until 3 days to contact her. Make sure that you plan the date on the first text. Make sure your texts are business. Make sure that you flirt with her so she can like you. Make sure you touch her on the date because then she won't like you. You know, like all this stuff. And it's about getting out of that mechanical tactical advice and looking at this as how authentic can I be, right?

And also, I think we're craving authenticity. Like, that is actually one of the things that I loved about my husband. Well, his confidence, um, the fact that he was just Keep— like, from the moment I met him, he just opened up and was telling me, like, keeping it real, you know? Um, and still makes me laugh. But yeah, that authenticity, it's like people want to, like, really know the you, not the ego side of, well, you know, I've got this and I can do that. So yes, keep going. I, I love what you're sharing.

Yeah. And, and then also too is the authenticity, but also in regards to texting is a lot of us go, a lot of men, and I think people in general, but since I've worked with men, a lot of men clients is they, we go into with this with a lot of expectations, right? If I got her number, she'll go on a date with me and then we can get in a relationship, but maybe she doesn't call you back. Maybe she doesn't. And then you get so, you go down a downward spiral. Oh, dating is so difficult, blah, blah, blah. But whoever said dating was easy? Let's be honest, right? We all are a bunch of different personalities. We all come from different environments. It's not meant to be easy. It's meant to take lightly until the both of you have that conversation where you really see that you guys are aligned. I don't believe in text messaging when you're arguing. You know, I think that that can get misconstrued. The main principles that I always say with text messaging is if a guy is new to text messaging and he's new to talking to a woman, share 2 to 3 or 4 texts. With just personalization, talking how was your day, maybe talking about something you did and blah blah blah, and then go into setting and planning up seeing the woman. All right, well, I have a busy day ahead of me, but before we get stop texting, I want to make sure that we can link up together. Maybe this weekend or next week, I can take you out to dinner. I can take you out to lunch. We can meet for coffee. We can go for a walk. Whatever it is that you would like to do with this woman, when are you available? Right, and then ask her, and a woman will tell you, you know, when she's available. And then you just say, all right, I'll follow up with you the day before, or you know how. Have a great week, depending on how long it is set up for, and then that's it. I feel like you when we try to get to know a woman through texts, this is a big red flag. I have men that will text women all day, every day, and then finally after two weeks he has to meet up with her, and she's like no, or he texts too much and the woman just doesn't want to meet up with him. Right? I think it's really important to find a balance. It's okay to text each other, but find a balance. Make sure you set aside time for your work, and then come back to it later on at night and talk to her. Maybe pick up the phone and. Find out if you guys are a couple or attracted to each other.

Yeah, it's been— I mean, it's been a long time since, you know, I've dated. I mean, yeah, my husband and I will go out on a date, but I mean, since I've been in that whole dating scene or whatever—

did—

how do people communicate now? Is it like most the time through text?

Is—

or phone calls like not existent? People don't talk on the phone?

No, barely. Majority of them are texting or through the DMs, depending on the age, you know, like I would say 35 plus, um, more talking on the phone. I mean, for me, I would love when a man would pick up the phone, but I also think that there's younger women that like that too. Right. Um, men, just be prepared. Don't ever FaceTime a woman on surprise.

Oh yeah. What is that about? Yes, that is so—

Women want to be prepared if we like you.

Yeah, that FaceTime. I've got a friend that does that to me all the time. And then also something that I feel like is a little creepy is that Messenger calling on Facebook, like people that I don't know, that they can call you through and it's a FaceTime through Messenger. Yeah, like don't do that either.

Yeah, but you'll be surprised. I think for men that are listening, like Just gauge a woman and see if, hey, I would love to jump on a quick call with you tonight. Are you available? Right? A lot of women will actually find that very, very pleasing. The man that wins is the man that sticks out.

Oh yeah. Well, how do you— how does a man— this is all for all the fellas out there— how does a man get a woman to want him more?

By taking ownership of who he is, honestly. And that is a cliché, I get, answer, but ownership means this is no matter what you come from, what you've gone through in life, owning that is so attractive to a woman. One, because it shows leadership in who he is as a person and direction.

Mm-hmm.

Leadership, right? Women are attracted to a man that can step into his, his, his energy of leading and being resourceful for her, right? In some way or another. And same as vice versa. Also too is being able to be open enough and owning it, right? So if you mess up or if you tell a stupid joke and you And having fun with it, right? Not taking yourself so seriously, calling yourself out, giving a woman an understanding of what I call the magic carpet ride to my clients. Think of a magic carpet ride. Your goal is to have fun on your date with a woman. So if that's calling yourself out, laughing at yourself, flirting, sharing humor, however it goes, do it. But then when you do that, just don't do that. Don't stay there and be humorous. You also want to connect, have an emotional connection conversation. This is the way I teach my clients on how to do. Share vulnerability about you, you know, share a story where you guys can connect. I was just on a client call yesterday and he was like, for some reason I'm getting the women, but I can't take them to the next level. They end up actually going with other men and getting in relationships after, like when they're dating me. And I'm like—

So it's like they're in that friend mode. They can't break out of the friend mode.

He's intimate with them, but they're too casual. He's too casual. And what he's missing is he has everything else. So the woman is like, But I like him, but it's just not there. The connection's not there. And typically it happens because a man can't get emotionally with himself. He's not in tune emotionally with himself, or he can't be emotionally with a woman. So I gave him an example, and this was a great example. His brother was in the military— her brother was in the military. They talked about it, but he was just like, yeah, my brother's in the military. No, this is a perfect example to say, like, listen, doesn't it suck when you don't hear from them for a week and you're just going crazy in your head wondering if they're okay? And she's like, yeah, it is. And How do you get through it? And now he's sharing vulnerability. You know, one day, and he told me a story, he's like, one day I thought my brother had, you know, passed because I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. And he actually got promoted into a sergeant level and he was in training. And I just remember I was— he was in a deep depression for like 2 days, didn't get out of his room. He was telling me, I was like, this is where you share. And then you talk about what you learned from it. Because you never know if that woman went through the same thing and being like, oh my God, I went through the same thing. I was so depressed when I didn't hear my brother too.

Boom!

She feels heard. She feels connected. Oh my God, this guy gets me. We have so many similarities. A way a woman reaches attraction to a man is because she feels safe with him. What I call my epic effect in one of my programs physically, emotionally, intimacy, and communicatively, right? Safe with him in those four ways. A woman will always be attracted to a man. That is how women feed off of attraction. That's what makes us. stay good women, right?

Mm-hmm.

That's what makes us stay to a man is when we have these 3 components that a man meets with us. And so vice versa, I talk about with men what they should be looking for in women, because it's not just about men have to do this in order to get the woman. It's also the both, right? Um, those 4 elements are so critical to keeping long-term attraction, maintaining long-term attraction in your relationships, but also short-term Mm-hmm.

Oh my goodness, I remember the moment that I was like, oh, with my husband, I was like, he is the one for me.

And what was that moment?

That moment was, um, we was our first trip together, and I was really nervous because we had only been dating about, you know, it was like 30 days we'd been dating, and he asked me to go away with him, and he had jet skis. And so we were at the river doing jet skis and stuff, and I looked back and he had his shirt off. He was taking care of the jet skis, wiping them all down, and he looked really good. But the— what I was attracted to was I felt like safe because he had everything under control. He could take care of himself. He could take care of all this equipment and loading it all up. And I was like, oh my gosh, like he has got it together. We had fun. We, you know, and so it was everything. But in that moment, I thought, I finally found a man, like a real man. And, you know, before that, he was, you know, he was a cop and he— a sergeant when I met him. He had promoted to lieutenant commander. But I just remember, I felt safe for the first time. It was the first time in my life because, I mean, when I first moved to LA, I'd been mugged. I'd been through some crap, and I always kind of felt like I looked around to make sure everything was okay. And when I was with him, I finally felt like I go, yes, he's got me. I don't have to like watch my back and look around. Like, he just was everything wrapped into one, you know.

And I love that you said that because it shows— like, and I talked to my MEB community about this— is women are literally, when we walk out of the house We are trained to be like, what's surrounding, what's my surroundings, who's behind me. Men don't do this, right? Like, you don't go on a walk in your neighborhood at midnight without being like, maybe I should take my dog or my husband with me. But a man could just go out at midnight, right? So there's— we have to think about that too. And this is the way women are wired, is it's not about the physical. A lot of men think, oh, well, physically, I'll beat up a man if he tackles. It's not about physical safety. Physical element is that situation that you were talking about. Women just want to feel safe and heard. Men want to feel respected and seen.

Say that again. Women want to feel safe and heard. Men want to feel respected and seen. Drop. I need a mic to drop. Now that is— oh, that is So if you just do those things, women, men, did you hear that? Yeah. Treat your partner like that. I'm going to start working on it. I'm also going to start saying something that, um, every day, like you suggested, um, why I fell in love with him and why I love him.

Little things. And maybe he can do it too. It's going to help you guys do, you know, even little things like I fell in love because your butt, you know, like even little things and then a big thing one day. And one thing that I always do because of the respect thing that I talk about, men want to feel respected. Once a month, I send my husband either a voice note depending on where we are, if we're traveling, because you know us, we travel so much and he's doing so much with his business, but, or face to face. And I'll say once a month, I always say, babe, I think you are an incredible husband. You are the most amazing husband. And in that moment, I'll tell him why. And maybe it's something that have gone up that has happened that month that he supported me in. And I noticed like it helps our marriage so much because, you know, with my motto, I feel like men do just want to be respected and heard and, and, and seen, you know. And women want to be safe and heard. And so, um, the element of that is, you know what they say here, men are so easy, just feed them and love them and do this. Do I believe that? Not to an extent, but I get why people say that, right? And I feel like if You know, and that's for anybody that's watching under after this podcast, even if you're going through a hard time with your partner or anything in your marriage, relationship, whatever, you know, just take a moment and just share appreciation for your person for and tell them why. And I take a moment once a month to tell my husband why I feel that he's a great husband, not a person, why I feel he's a great husband to me.

That's powerful. Um, there we— I, I just have a couple more questions because I know we're running out of time, but I just, I, I want everybody, seriously, Apollonia has this YouTube channel and she is amazing. I, I mean, you can just binge watch her videos and you will learn so much about relationships because she talks about everything from like Intimacy in the bedroom and how to seduce your partner and the way that women, girls want to be kissed. Um, codependency, narcissism, you name it, she talks about it on her YouTube channel. So go subscribe to her YouTube, follow her on Instagram. If you're outside for a jog or you're at the gym and you— this will be in the show notes, so you'll be able to find all her links to her courses, her website, her YouTube in the show notes. But before we go, I want to ask you a couple more questions. First of all, there's some— what you talked about earlier is women want or are attracted to a guy who's confident. For the guys out there, and this could go for women too, how do you start to build your confidence?

What we've been taught and acknowledged is confidence is this, the surface, right? I gotta look like I'm confident. Yeah, I mean, shoulders back, chin up, that's great. You know, they taught me that in modeling school when I was in like 10th when I was 10 years old. But that's not confidence because I'm still insecure, right? Think about it.

Mm-hmm.

You know when, and this is what I tell a lot of my clients too, is, you know that moment when nothing has changed about you? Your hair is still the same. Your weight is still the same. You dress the same. Your eyebrows are still the same. Everything's still the same. But the only thing is you've been maybe meditating a little bit more. Maybe you went to therapy. Maybe you hired a coach. Maybe you're doing some personal work. And someone's like, there's something really different about you. I can't put my finger on it. And you're like, nothing has changed.

Right.

People see energy. It is a proven fact. Confidence starts from within.

Mm-hmm.

Understanding and better relationship with your trauma and triggers, understanding your limiting beliefs, understanding why you don't feel like you're enough, working on your inner child, working on the stuff a lot of us suppress.

It's so true. And everything changed for me when I started to let those feelings come up and deal with them, because I stuffed everything down. I mean, I just tried to keep a lid on it, and I would just— I literally ran from everything. And it wasn't until I started dealing with it, you know, um, instead of, uh, healing— instead of dealing, I think I should say— uh, things started to show shift. And it's not like all of a sudden I've healed from all that trauma and I'm good and confident. I feel like, man, my confidence can get knocked right out of me. It's something that I have to work on all the time when it comes up, you know?

And, and we're ever-evolving as humans. And this is what has to be so important, cuz now we have the internet, everyone's talking about trauma healing, all this stuff and motivation, all this stuff. And, but you have to remember, like, it never goes away. Your journey of healing does never stop. I just overcame a new moment in my own journey, in my business, in my life that I had to like literally heal from and show up today. And I did it. But imagine if I didn't do in the past, I wouldn't have the tools to know what to do. Right. And I still have now from this to process and journey, but I'm, I did it enough where I can show up and do what I need to do to fulfill my job, be there for my clients. Right. It's not meant to be easy, and it is okay to make mistakes. I mean, because even people in your life you have to get rid of sometimes when you heal. You're like, oh my gosh. Yeah.

You know, and I'm so glad that you said that because, I mean, it— I cried for like a year straight almost every day. I swear I was in the middle of writing my book when I started. It was a I had no idea. I thought I had, you know, healed a lot of trauma. Wasn't until I started writing it out that it really started to come up. And I started— and it was hard. I had to take a break from writing just so I could process a lot of it. So I'm so glad that you brought that up and that it's never ending. And sometimes we think we've healed and done something, but then we get triggered and we're like, ooh, what is that trigger coming from? But it is having the tools to get through it, but also It's because you show up, you know. You, you show up, Apollonia. You are— you show up for everything you do in your life, for your clients, for your friends. Um, you're one of these people that even on stage, you know, when you're hired to do something and go speak at an event, you show up fully with everything that you've got and just such an incredible speaker. And so I hope that we get to do another event together because I just— you're just so incredible. And I hope that we get to see each other in Dallas.

I do too. Me too. And I want to like leave— I want to also too say this to your community because we're talking about healing and overcoming betrayal. And something's just calling to me to say this is, um, you know, I've done some work this weekend and a lot of revelations. And I sometimes write down in journaling, and that's why you reminded me, and I have something on my notes. And I put, God's blessing is also a blessing of guiding you and making you stronger through the pain. Because a lot of us ask, why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Right? We always go there. But we have to understand something, that sometimes the blessing is guiding you and making you stronger. That is your blessing. You had to get this to experience and make you stronger through this pain. And another thing I put is, God blesses me with the strength. God bless, instead of Saying, make this problem go away. Maybe we need to look at it as give me the strength to bear this pain, because there's a lesson in it. And then I wrote, pain is a part of life. Every possible blessing is every possible pain.

Oh, that's beautiful. I don't know, that just really got me emotional. I mean, it just, oh, it just hit home. Because I think there is a blessing, and sometimes it feels like, oh, a hard challenge or pain. But man, that just hit home. Thank you for sharing that.

Yeah, thank you. I just felt it in me intuitively to do that.

Yeah, I, I think we all needed that because we all go through those challenges, and that really touched me. Um, I just love you.

Um, so much.

Oh, can't tell everybody the best place to, to find you. I mean, I, I love your YouTube. And, and you know what? I'm so inspired by all the courses that you have created to help people in relationships. I mean, you have— how many courses do you have?

Oh gosh, good question. I think I have over— definitely over 14.

Oh, I'm blown away by that. I am blown away. And you have a, like, a coaching community where people can just hop on and And join your community. I'm inspired by that. Tell people where they can get connected with you and learn from you.

Yeah, of course. So, um, my community is— you could honestly just go to my website, apolloniaponti.com, and everything will be there. I always tell people, just start and explore there. Um, my YouTube channel, it can redirect you there. My membership and my programs, everything is just on my, um, um, website. Just the biggest way and the best way is just Google me any way that you think that you can spell it. It'll still come up. Apollonia Ponti. Um, and then just take it from there.

Yeah, yeah, it's like it comes up. Just Google that. And you know what, take a screenshot, uh, if you're on YouTube or on Apple or Spotify or wherever you're listening or watching, take a screenshot and tag us. I love if you heard something that really touched you. I love to see that it really moved you. So take a screenshot and share it on IG, Apollonia Pointe. You always say your Last name's so beautiful. I'm like, I try to say it as I practice trying to say it as well as you. And tag me Amberly Lago Motivation. So when I see that you've tagged it, I share it in my story too, and it just means a lot. So I appreciate you so much for taking, you know, some time to share your wisdom with us. Thank you for everybody who's tuned in to True Grit and Grace. Because of you listening and subscribing, you've made this podcast a top 1% on Apple, and that is like mind-blowing to me. So I appreciate everybody for tuning in. Apollonia, thank you so much. I love you. I can't wait to see you and hug your neck soon.

Me too.